numb

My female owner cried today, finally. After numbing herself for the past few weeks (her self-protection defense mechanism), she managed to de-numb herself and allow herself to feel raw, human emotions for about ten minutes. Then, she snapped back to being her usual self.

This programme has been a test of her mental strength, abilities and resilience. If she knew that it would be this tough, she might have seriously considered taking up a sponsorship with her former organisation. As she put it, if she’s going to get tortured, she might as well be paid for going through it.

The more she does, the more lost she becomes. The more she reads, the more ignorant she finds herself to be. The more she reflects, the more incompetent she realises she is. Everyday she’s left wondering if she did the right thing but there are hardly any answers. Each supervision session, although power-packed, would leave her feeling stupid: “why didn’t I think of that?” “why did I do/say that?” “why didn’t I notice…?” “oh no, I did the wrong thing and I can’t change it anymore…”

She chose to go to UQ and she believed that God made it possible for her to go to UQ, despite the various barriers that stood in her way. My female owner is finding it difficult to meet the demands of this programme and the lack of control and certainty is driving her…. numb.