a tribute to the fairer sex

A little boy asked his mother, "Why are you crying?" "Because I'm a woman," she told him.

"I don't understand," he said. His Mom just hugged him and said, "And you never will."

Later the little boy asked his father, "Why does mother seem to cry for no reason?"

"All women cry for no reason," was all his dad could say.

The little boy grew up and became a man, still wondering why women cry.

Finally he put in a call to God. When God got on the phone, he asked, "God, why do women cry so easily?"

God said:

"When I made the woman she had to be special.

I made her shoulders strong enough to carry the weight of the world, yet gentle enough to give comfort.

I gave her an inner strength to endure childbirth and the rejection that many times comes from her children.

I gave her a hardness that allows her to keep going when everyone else gives up, and take care of her family through sickness and fatigue without complaining.

I gave her the sensitivity to love her children under any and all circumstances, even when her child has hurt her very badly.

I gave her strength to carry her husband through his faults and fashioned her from his rib to protect his heart.

I gave her wisdom to know that a good husband never hurts his wife, but sometimes tests her strengths and her resolve to stand beside him unfalteringly.

And finally, I gave her a tear to shed. This is hers exclusively to use whenever it is needed."

"You see my son," said God, "the beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair.

The beauty of a woman must be seen in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart - the place where love resides."

well-being

You haven’t heard from me for a long time and that’s because I had been living in fear and on tenterhooks for the past 2 weeks. You see, my female owner was busy preparing for her flute exam and she spent all her spare time at home, practising her songs and other requirements. Her practise area is usually the living room, right next to the balcony. How is this connected to our (I speak for my siblings as well) psychological, mental, physical and emotional well-being? Lots, I must say. Firstly, she plays terribly. Or rather, she screeches, especially on the higher notes. And, being a high grader, she has tonnes of high notes to play. That affects our hearing as we endure the noise pollution. As a result, we get a headache and we can’t rest because of the headache. Secondly, sound produces vibrations and we are sensitive to vibrations. The sound or rather noise vibrations travel through the air and strike us through our shell (which happens to be made of the same material as human being’s fingernails). The end result is that our shells start to experience tremours (think earthquake) and our sense of safety is compromised. Imagine, our shell has always been our source of refuge and protection. To feel it shaking all the time is certainly testing the limits of our psychological well-being. Thirdly, being so miserable, we start to feel depressed and lose our appetite. Not only do we feel vulnerable, we are also low on energy… Nah, this third point is a bluff. We will still eat no matter what. Got you, didn’t I?

ranking system

Women like to complicate matters.

My female owner always put my male owner in a difficult spot by asking this question "You like which tortoise most?" By asking this, she is essentially forcing him rank the four of us in order of preference based on a certain criteria. And what is this criteria? It can be anything that he deems important in ranking us. Say there are four simple items in the criteria - sex of tortoise, size, colour and weight - my male owner still has to decide, are these items equally important? Or is colour more important than the rest? Or is there a ranking among the items too?! And what if she disagrees with his ranking criteria and thinks that he should rank the four of us according to what she thinks is important?

Anyway, my male owner's answer has always been consistent - "I like them the same, because they are ours". Wah.. so sweet and reassuring for us.

"But they are different, there must be some that you like more than others!"

"Each of them is cute in its own ways".

That usually leaves her speechless, unable to continue this one-sided debate. You know what is our answer for which owner we prefer?

"We like them both, because they are our owners."

one lesson learnt

my female owner came home very late last night, so i was kept in the Sick Bay for a really long time. My prolapse was out when she released me from the bucket. Once out, I was so relieved and happy that my prolapse retracted naturally. It's definitely stress-induced. And stress is confining me in one tiny area the whole day.

health scare

my female owner had a health scare this morning. She visited us as usual just before heading off for work. She found me in the feeding tank. This is unusual because I would always climb out of the tank within hours of feeding (you will find out why soon). Anyway, she brought me out (so thankful for that!) and walked away. When she returned, she found out that my prolapse returned. She almost went ballistic. Sheesh. I was trying to hide from her, coz I knew she would turn hysterical. Women. So hard to hide things from them.

Anyway, being the well-heeled turtle nurse, she went to fill up this round bucket with water. I always call this round bucket the "Sick Bay" because she keeps us in it whenever we are ill. It's high, so it prevents us from climbing over and mixing with the rest of our siblings. But it's also cramped, we dont even have leg room to stretch. So we feel even more sick being kept in there.

By the time she came back with the water, my prolapse was gone! Really, honest to God, I managed to retract it back in and I was so relieved. Heh, no Sick Bay for me! Alas, my female owner had other plans - she put me in the bucket, as a "just in case" measure. My heart sank all the way to my prolapse.

The only thing that cheered me up was that my elder brothers, Dodo and Dona, left their morning basking spots immediately to check if I was ok. They hovered around the bucket, trying to look in to see if they could do anything for me. I felt so touched. For all the hours I spent talking with Nanook, my sister, she didn't leave her favourite corner to show me some sisterly care. She wore her usual "did-anyone-call-my-name" look on her face. In times like this, I start to understand why my female owner is so exasperated with her.

why i enjoy being a turtle

Ten reasons why it's good to be a turtle.

1) We are expected to be slow, so people have little expectations of us. Hence, life is less stressful for us.

2) We are hardy. Think stone-age. We are likely to survive any drastic climatic changes in the environment.

3) We do not need to do silly tricks to entertain our owners, unlike our canine or feline counterparts.

4) We don't have to care for our young. Just lay the eggs and leave the hatchlings to fend for themselves.

5) We help our owners to save money. We don't need an elaborate living environment, are simple eaters and don't need grooming.

6) We are quiet. Hence, we don't annoy ourselves or others.

7) We are always home.

8) We have minimal pet obligations to fulfill. It is perfectly legitimate for us to bask in the sun the whole day and to hide in dark corners at other times. No sweat.

9) We have good temperaments. No matter how you try to scare us, we won't bite. Hence, we make good companions for men who are traumatised by their overbearing partners.

10) Finally, we are the colour of nature. We blend in with all things natural and brings healing to the injured soul.

"to lose weight"

ever heard of how pets will resemble their owners? for example, if the owner is gentle and kind, the pet is likely to be so. if the owner has curly hair, the pet (if possible) will also have curly fur. i think i take after my female in one area - the uncontrolled eating... and natural consequences that follow (being fat/ lazy). even though I’m saying this, I’m not admitting to being a greedy turtle. Read my beak (I don’t have lips). What I am saying is, if anyone (including my female owner) wants to accuse me of being fat/ lazy/ greedy, he or she needs to realise that I’m merely taking after my female owner. So it’s not my fault. I’m just predisposed to looking fat/ lazy/ greedy, because of my family background. Yah, I know, some of you might be saying “but you were the one who tried to charm your way to your male owner’s heart at the pet shop” (read the blog “my cute and happy wriggle”). That’s precisely my point, I wasn’t trying to seduce a female human being! Let me fish out one simple example before I go to bed. Ever since I entered this household (about 4.5 years ago), my female owner has been consistent in one aspect – she is always saying that she want to lose weight. So far, no results. Recently, she went to the USA for a 2-week holiday. Before she left, she started eating all sorts of local delights, because, in her words “I don’t know if I’m going to come back alive, so this may be my last chance eating local food”. Over there, she lived on instant noodles, canned tuna, biscuits and instant soup. As a result, she came back (yes, she came back alive, so all that gorging was uncalled for) lighter by 2 kg. Ah, her lose-weight-plan has finally kicked into action and bore fruit. With this newfound weight (she had never been so light for a long while), she went on an eating spree! You know what’s her reason? “I missed local food and it’s time to catch up!” There you have it, she always has a valid reason to indulge in food. I believe that the smaller number on the weighing scale contributed to her current spree. I think her mantra for the next 4.5 years will remain the same – to lose weight.

the unexpected feast

Remember my last entry when I talked about my owner and her parents going away for holidays and leaving us turtles at home to fend for ourselves (okay, the last part is my own perception)? My brother, Dodo, chided me when I whined about my insecurities about being left at home alone, with no one to feed us. Usually good-natured and even-tempered, he told me to be more trusting of my owners. After all, they brought us up when we were still tiny and never once did any of us starve. With such good track record, I shouldn't fear that we would be left uncared for.

My brother couldn't be more right - not only were we well-taken care of by our temporary turtle-sitters (they cleaned the balcony regularly), we were definitely well-fed. A container of turtle pellets (see photo) usually lasts us for more than one month (under the strict ration of my female owner). However, this time, we finished one whole container within a span of 13 days! It’s like being able to indulge in buffet everyday, rather than subjected to limited ala-carte fare.

Yum.