could be

My female owner got herself into an emo frenzy just now. Well… a frenzy that lasted for a couple of hours. It all started with a comment she made to Onli Fren… that she “could have been in Singapore” now. Onli Fren got puzzled, coz she thought that my female owner was at peace with her decision not to return to Singapore. My female owner responded that it is harder now, coz this is the period where she would have been back in Singapore, if she had bought a ticket home. And everytime she sees a plane in the sky (for some reason, they fly low enough for her to identify the plane as a Qantas carrier), she wishes pensively that she is onboard that plane..

And the two of them got into a “could be” exchange.

“we could be having dinner together now” (Onli Fren had dinner near my female owner’s house just now. Hey! That means that she was near us turtles just now.)

“so near yet so far”

“we could be having high tea together tomorrow, … with Second Onli Fren”

And Onli Fren changed her “TGIF” tagline to “we could have been shopping together on Friday”.

Oh well… that’s how my female owner is. She takes ages to make a decision, accepts it somewhat… but still pokes herself once in a while with "hypotheticals" (as what I-Fren terms her fantasies).

together

My female owner had a nightmare this morning, when she was snoozing and rolling about in bed. She dreamt that she was still together with ex2! And in her dream, she wondered why she agreed to get back with him coz he was pissing her off as usual.

She had no choice but to wake up.

exhausted

Yes, I know. I haven’t been updating this Turtle Pad. It has been hard to get hold of my female owner, even though her exam is over and things at her placement are winding down.

My female owner had been occupied with her church conference which started on Friday evening and ended this afternoon. Despite having a regular sleep pattern (12midnight to 0800hr), she reports being exhausted by the end of the conference. She reckons that it was partly because she was constantly surrounded by people. Hence, she used up lotsa energy being with people (sign of being an introvert) and the anti-social side of her is protesting at this overdrive.

She says too that she learnt a great deal over the weekend. So much that she can’t provide a decent summary. Hence, she needs some time to consolidate the learning points and pick out aspects to focus on.

For now, she is really exhausted. Her thoughts are swirling in her brain and her vision, foggy.

lentils

My female owner hasn’t been cooking for a while because of her schedule and soon-to-expire Mee Goreng (which necessitates urgent consumption). So anyway, she finally managed to crave out time to cook tonight. She was all set to do a macaroni in chicken and vegetable soup when she remembered that she had previously identified a soup recipe from Coles Winter Magazine as a new dish which she would try (remember she wanted to expand her cooking repetoire?)

And so, she learnt about the existence of a commonly used ingredient in soups – lentils. Yah, that’s the ignorant Singaporean gal for you. Even her Mandarin-speaking housemate could identify lentils by its English name when she saw my female owner washing it! Lentils are apparently good for you and my female owner reckons that she had eaten it before, without knowing its name. As you can see from the ingredients list, my female owner merely channelled the intended ingredients for her chicken and veg soup to this recipe.

Vegetable & Lentils Soup

1 ¼ cups green lentils
3 stalks celery, with leaves,chopped
2 carrots, peeled, chopped
1 onion, chopped
3 cloves garlic, chopped
400g can diced tomatoes
3 tbsp olive oil
1 tbsp tomato paste
grated parmesan and celery leaves, to serve

1 Wash lentils under running water. Drain well. Place in a large saucepan and cover with water. Bring to the boil on high heat. Drain, rinse and return lentils to same pan.
2 Cover with 8 cups of water and bring to the boil again on high. Add remaining ingredients, except parmesan. Season with salt and pepper to taste. Cover and simmer for 1 hr, until the lentils are tender and the soup has thickened slightly.
3 Serve topped with grated parmesan and a few chopped celery leaves, if you like.

This is how the soup is supposed to look like.

soup

The sudden death of Singapore’s Father of Counselling sparked off a conversation between my female owner and Counselling Fren.

My female owner always had high regards for Counselling Fren’s counselling skills. And she found out that he had actually received clinical supervision from the Father of Counselling. Now, that explains something, doesn’t it?

So my female owner asked Counselling Fren what the main lessons he learnt from him were. Without hesitation, he listed the following:

· just be urself
· u are the most effective tool in any therapeutic r/s
· doing nothing is actually doing smthg
· always ask the reasons behind every actions

Ah, chicken soup for the counsellor?

living

Took me a while to do this, but I finally managed to wrestle my female owner’s pet peeves about sharing house with others. The scenarios below are true.

Leaving unwashed dishes in the sink or around the sink overnight (and longer)

Leaving laundry in the washing machine or on the laundry line longer than necessary

Having house parties without first informing other housemates

Having house parties during examination periods

Not clearing up after guests leave

Not disposing bags of rubbish after house parties

Allowing fresh food to rot in refrigerators and not clearing them even when they have decomposed

Not replacing toilet paper when the roll is finished

Making a mess of bathrooms

Leaving mess in common areas like the living room or dining area

Smoking in the house (includes balcony)

Exhausting internet download limits before the month is up

One that she will always remember: Burning housemate’s plants

plan

For those who are wondering what my female owner is up to, since it is post-exam and she is not coming back to Singapore (BIG WAIL! Apparently she made the final firm decision not to come back this July because God told her not to go back… why???), I managed to get a little update from her.

Her main work now concerns her dodgy placement. Her supervisor had assigned extra work to the externs by insisting that they run another group (can you believe it?!). This time, it would be on memory enhancement. Two sessions. So the whole cycle starts again - advertisement, recruitment, background reading and research, session planning, consolidation of tipsheets.

She also needs to consolidate a placement folio consisting of the following:

• Update of hours (clinical, supervision, administrative)
• Reflection statement (time to be diplomatic… and euphemistic?)
• N=1 case study (like a journal article of a case. She is going to write on her group therapy. Nothing much to shout about, she says).
• Organisational project (she hasn’t started on this and her last day is next Friday! She needs to do some research to come up with a tipsheet differentiating between dementia and depression)
• Written samples – three psychological reports (my female owner is not looking forward to doing this, because she hasn’t really done real psychological interventions so she needs to cook up some story with the meagre ingredients she has)

Next, her research work. She has been claiming 10hours worth of work per week but seriously, hasn’t done much for her supervisor yet. She needs to start writing papers or crunching data for him, just that she hasn’t gotten a clue of what he wants. And he hasn’t kept in contact with her either, except to approve her hours! How strange is this culture?

Finally, she has to work on her personal goals for winter 2009. This includes play and non-play stuff.

If all things go well, her second placement will start in mid July. This gives her two weeks of REAL break. So there, her holiday plans mapped out.

back

My female owner found out that one of her bible study group member is going back to her home country for about 6 months. And she might not return after that.

This news came as a shock to her. I think my female owner had somehow taken for granted that given their “working” status, her bible study group members are staying in Brisbane for the long haul.

She then realised that people come and go and this is probably something she has to get used to, being surrounded by international students/ friends. Although my female owner only knew this person for about 4 months, she has grown attached to her and knows that she would miss her when she leaves.

Yah, and my female owner starts to wonder about her own eventual farewell to Brisbane. The people whom she would leave behind, the lifestyle she would have grown to love, the weather (so shiok, she says) etc. Oh well, I better stop talking about this, before I make her sound as if she is living in the past, catastrophising about the future, and missing out on the present. All I want to say now is that my female owner is sorry that half of her programme is completed and she has only another 1.5 years to go..

rocky

Have you ever quarrelled with your parents? What do you do after that?

My female owner was reminded of her rocky relationship with her mother today. From a young age, mother and daughter had problems getting along. Each outing they had would usually end up in a quarrel. This trend was so predictable that her father would instruct her before they went out “don’t quarrel with mummy”. Hardly works. He should have phrased his words positively. Instead of telling her what NOT to do, he could have taught her what to do instead.

During the all famous storm and stress adolescent years, conflicts ran aplenty and there were episodes of shouting matches which sometimes ended with the slamming of doors (only my female owner, not her mum. I wonder where she picked that up from). My female owner had a lot of pride in her and she would NEVER say sorry. She also lacked skills in conflict resolution and her main way of coping with the aftermath of a full-blown argument was … a cold war. Her father, a man with strong linguistic ability and wide general knowledge, had a term for this behaviour. He called it the “non-talking technique”. So there you go, not talking to her mother while she was still seething inside. And when her anger had dissipated, pride prevented her from making the first move to talk to her mother (even casually). Her mother was most certainly the first one to say something to her. Of course, my female owner would reciprocate with an appropriate response.

Thank goodness, these tensions peppered out over the past few years. In fact, non-existent to the point that she literally forgot that they once had a rocky (but strongly bonded) relationship.

derogatory

My female owner was peeved yesterday. I think she was just projecting her annoyance about the aged care placement in the situation.

First of all, she didn’t feel like going to school at 1730hr (in the cold) to have clinical supervision. The last few sessions had been a waste of time. She was clocking supervision hours for the sake of hitting 50hours. She wanted to call in sick/ busy/ forgot but stuck to going, because of the conviction she received after reading I-Fren’s blog on how he handled his less-than-impressive placement woes.

So, she went for supervision, still disgruntled inside her.

During supervision, her clinical supervisor told them that she attended an aging talk delivered by an Associate Professor who is an expert in aging issues and there was an exchange that went something like that:

AP: “How many of you expect to die in a nursing home when you grow old?”

5 hands (out of 25 people) went up.

AP: “All of you should put up your hand, unless you want to be a burden to others.”


My female owner, normally placid and quiet, spoke up without much hesitation.

“I don’t think I agree that taking care of our aged loved ones should be termed as a burden (silently: And AP’s words contradicts her actions. Her choice of words only reinforces negative perceptions about aging and this contradicts her outward efforts to advocate for older people). I mean, in my culture, we see looking after our older people as an honour and duty, after all the years they spent bringing up us. Difficult to look after maybe, but no, not a burden.”

Yes, she was upset with the hypocrisy. What’s this nonsense (note: original word was censored) about needing to provide better psychological care/ services to older people, when aging experts when speaking from their professional capacity, uses derogatory terms to describe older people. No wonder there is a lack of healthcare workers in this field.

practice

My female owner says she had an awesome worship practice last night.

Okies, this is the background. A while ago, she agreed to help out with playing music in her bible study group. They decided to start her off on guitar first, even though they needed keyboardists, because she was more familiar with guitar. However, because she played the instrument sporadically over the past ten years and was/ is in need of more consistent practice, the decision was made for her to play alongside a seasoned guitarist first. So that’s what they did last night. Two worship leaders, two guitarists and one extra guitarist (who happened to be in the house).

And you know my female owner. She enjoys playing music with people. Just adds to the synergy, she says.

For example, there was a slow song where the lead guitarist starting plucking the strings. On hearing that, my female owner switched from strumming to just using her pick to go down the strings gently. This resulted in a quiet and soothing mood. The two of them became so caught up with the music that they totally missed the worship leader’s hand signals to increase volume and finally, out of exasperation, she had to verbalise her instructions “go louder and strum!” Always fun to play differently but complementary (just like her flute and piano pieces).

And of course, working in a team with like-minded people who are forgiving and tolerant of her inadequacies was uplifting and inspiring. Correction was done in the spirit of love and pain (on the part of the guitarists mainly!) was endured willingly for the greater objective. In spite of time pressure, the session was marked with laughter, joy and energy. Even though my female owner had rehearsed for worship with other people in her younger days (think: more than 10 years ago), this was an eye-opening experience. She saw that her friends were not doing things as a matter of routine or mere practice. They were striving for excellence in the way they conceptualised the worship session, great attention to details and persistence in working out the stuck points, with the sole aim of leading the rest of the group into an intimate time of worship on Friday.

It was a refreshing change for my female owner as well.

Having been casted in a helping role where people look to her for help/ direction and being on her own (i.e. independent) for so many years (yah, she felt that she couldn’t depend on her ex-boyfriend to fulfil his promises), my female owner was thankful that she could “sit back and relax” while the lead guitarist figured out the technicalities of the songs and modified the level of difficulty to suit her proficiency (the Chinese sometimes call this “eat snake” but she begs to differ, she is just allowing someone better to take the lead). She didn’t have to find a solution to any issues and left the “hard bits” for him to play. Even something as simple as tuning the guitar, my female owner felt so relieved that she could just hand it over to someone to do it for her. Ah, basking in the shadow of someone else’s talents.

two

My female owner has been preoccupied with her coming examination and her chronically-depressive placement that she hadn’t had much time to think about other things. This afternoon, she decided to sneak in a short snooze (i.e. 5mins) before carrying on her revision. Just as her head hit her pillow, her memory suddenly reminded her that tomorrow is the 16th of June.

What’s that?

That’s the second anniversary of her break-up with ex number 2 aka the best thing that ever happened to her in recent history. Without realising it, two years had flown by.

She spent the first year reeling from the effects of the doomed relationship. The support from her friends was instrumental in accelerating her re-entry into singlehood. She embraced singlehood with vigour, glee and liberation. Half a year later, through God’s provision and grace, she ended up in Brisbane, pursuing her long-time dream of postgraduate education in psychology. Good Friday 2008, she received a revelation of God’s promise of healing from the relationship and that set her free. 16 June 2008, she set herself free from one year of mourning (not of the demise of the relationship, but of her stupidity).

And tomorrow concludes the second year of her singlehood. Over the past year, she has seen God’s slow but sure restoration and healing in this area of her life. She is “not there” yet. Occasionally, she still gets the urge to sprout some feminist comment but more often than not, she is able to hold back such unedifying comments.

My female owner reckons that although she is not sure if she is ready (psychologically, emotionally and spiritually) for a relationship, at the end of the day, she would prefer to get married and have a family, than to remain single. At the same time, even though her biological clock is running out of battery, my female owner would rather let it run out and be single, than to settle down for the sake of settling down with an incompatible man. Not worth the heartache! So yah, this area of her life is now in God’s hands.

Hillsong Live - Desert Song (This Is Our God)

My female owner had always liked this song and the lady who led in it. However, this is the first time she heard the painful story behind this song. Knowing the story makes this song even more meaningful for my female owner.

volumes

My female owner remembered the first time she attended her new bible study group (the working group) in Feb this year. Before she got to the house, she was already distressed by the journey she had to make. It was a short bus ride to a nearby suburb, but the peak hour traffic jam was excruciating. Reaching the house, my female owner was overwhelmed by the number of new faces she saw, in comparison to familiar people.

My female owner remembered asking herself why she chose to leave the student group when the location for bible study was just a ten minutes walk away from her house.

Four months on, my female owner says that she is very happy with the working group. There is a mutual fit, in terms of the group meeting her needs and her contributing to the group.

Already, my female owner can see what she is going to miss if she leaves this group. Yes, for the first time since she arrived in Brisbane, my female owner is publicly admitting to developing a fondness for this current season in her life.

The awesome bible study meetings on Friday. It never fails to amaze her that there is nearly full or full attendance every week for bible study and church service. These people are so committed to their faith and their example encourages her to strive forward too. The environment is simply so nurturing for growth and development.

The yummy dinners prepared by the food team before each meeting. You won’t believe what the members are able to prepare – bak ku teh, home-made deep-fried wantons, curry chicken, green bean soup, mango pudding, cakes!! etc. With foods like this, who needs to go back home to have them?

The spontaneous hanging out sessions on Saturdays and public holidays, often to catch the latest movies, dine at affordable Asian eateries, indulge in DVDs on large plasma TVs and even hotpots. Just simple fellowship with no strings attached and no dodgy agenda.

And most recently, the weekly guitar lessons that someone organised, so that more musicians can be trained up in the group. Not to mention the flow of fellowship, food and fun that saturates each gathering.

I think more importantly, the friendships have blessed my female owner greatly. People are genuinely supportive, caring and encouraging. My female owner needed a guitar and someone lent her one before she could even ask around. After service, she wanted a muffin from outside the lecture theatre but she was too lazy to fight the cold and someone went to get it for her after she made a passing request (my female owner actually feels bad about this). My female owner was cold and someone took off his scarf to lend her. When she was not feeling well and sneezing countless times, someone went to get a cup of hot water so that she could clear her system. She is having exams and someone arranged for her to be sent home early after gatherings so that she could study.

Just small gestures like this. But they speak volumes into her heart. Coz for my female owner, action speaks louder than words and besides quality time, act of service is her next love language.

While I'm Waiting by John Waller (Fireproof)

A song from Fireproof which speaks a great deal to my female owner as she is currently waiting on God to move in various aspects of her life. God has already shown her that some things take time and this song is a good reminder of what she can do meanwhile..

Casting Crowns: Slow Fade (Fireproof)

Be careful little eyes what you see
It's the second glance that ties your hands as darkness pulls the strings
Be careful little feet where you go
For it's the little feet behind you that are sure to follow

It's a slow fade when you give yourself away
It's a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray
Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid
When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day
It's a slow fade, it's a slow fade

Be careful little ears what you hear
When flattery leads to compromise, the end is always near
Be careful little lips what you say
For empty words and promises lead broken hearts astray

It's a slow fade when you give yourself away
It's a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray
Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid
When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day

The journey from your mind to your hands
Is shorter than you're thinking
Be careful if you think you stand
You just might be sinking

It's a slow fade when you give yourself away
It's a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray
Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid
When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day
Daddies never crumble in a day
Families never crumble in a day

Oh be careful little eyes what see
Oh be careful little eyes what you see
For the Father up above is looking down in love
Oh be careful little eyes what you see

Fireproof

“How can you love somebody again and again and again when she keeps rejecting you?” cried a frustrated married man who had reluctantly agreed to take on a 40-day “The Love Dare” from his father, in a final attempt to save his marriage. The man had taken steps to demonstrate his love towards his estranged wife and each attempt was met with either hostility, indifference or rejection.

My female owner saw herself in this film, Fireproof. A sobering re-enactment of her relationship with God. Time and time again, she rejected God’s love. She has told Him that she does not trust Him fully or to stay away until she is ready. Time and time again, God still reached out to her. Tireless and steadfast. Faithful and patient. Love personified.

My female owner is starting to understand more about God’s love. Love, she realises, is not an emotion. It is a decision to demonstrate, through acts of kindness whether the person deserves it or reciprocates your efforts, your commitment to the person.

A very touching film.

The film also spoke to her in many ways.

Don’t follow your heart, coz it can be deceived. Instead, lead it.
Following your heart implies acting on your emotions. Emotions are fleeting. They fluctuate like the weather. People need something more definitive and sound to guide them in life. Acting on feelings and impulses is detrimental for the moral fabric of society (“I did it because I felt like it”). My female owner decided that she will use the word of God to lead her heart. And even when she doesn’t feel like it, she must take the effort to lead her heart in the right direction.

You cannot give what you don’t have.
The man was trying to love his wife with his own efforts and met with frustration when she did not reciprocate. His turning point came when he accepted Jesus, the ultimate source of love. Henceforth, he was able to demonstrate his love to his wife despite her icy responses. His acts of love started to come from the heart and he was able to give, without receiving anything in return. My female owner finally understood the verse, “We love, because He first loved us.”

God’s standards are so high. Hatred is considered murder and lust, adultery.
Thankfully, God made a way for everyone to be saved, through Jesus Christ. The film brought out the simple truth that people think that doing good deeds will bring them to heaven. That concept is based on their standards and interpretation of what doing good will bring for them. In reality, whatever good deeds we do will not earn us a place in heaven. Jesus, the only Man who met God’s standards, died for us so that by accepting Him, we receive salvation (and not earn it).

My female owner has always set high standards for herself and other people. She gets peeved with slipshod work and people who “talk big” (those who do not deliver what they promised). Today, she realised that because God has such high standards, whatever He promised He will do is surely going to be of excellent quality, amazing and mind-blowing. My female owner has imposed her negative experiences of man’s work onto God and has been insecure about whether God will deliver His promises “properly”.

One for the guys:
Women are like roses. Treat them right and they will bloom. Treat them wrong and they will wilt.

Selah.

Live Worship @ CHC - God of my Forever

Verse 1:
God Of My Youth I Remember
Your Call On My Life Took Me O'er
Your Love Has Seen Me Through All My Days
I Stand Here By Your Grace

On This Altar I've Written My Life
Tells Of The Story I Have With You My Lord
I Want The World To Know

Chorus:
God Of My Forever
And Forever I'm With You
My Life Is Saved With A Price
Your Sacrifice Redeemed My Soul
God Of My Forever
And Forever I Will Sing
My Greatest Honor Will Always Be
To Serve My Lord And King

Verse 2:
God Of My All I've Surrendered
My Heart Finds Its Rest In Your Word
Praises Will Not Be Enough To Show
How My Love For You Has Grown

Nothing Matters When You're Here With Me
In The End Just To Hear You Say Well Done
Bowing Before Your Throne

Bridge:
Forever And Ever
Jesus You Alone In Glory Reign
Forever And Ever
With You I Walk This Narrow Way

God of my forever, 我永遠的救主

我年少時候的救主
因你呼召讓我不同
你愛陪我走過每一天
全充滿你恩典

刻下一切在這祭壇上
生命故事願世界能看見
与你一起向前
我永遠的救主
一輩子不離開
你因你付上了代價
贖回了我能為你而活

我永遠的救主
一輩子要歌唱
何等榮耀能全心擺上
服事我主我王

掌管我生命的救主
有你的話語心安息
所有讚美都已不足夠
表達我又多愛你
有祢同在我別無所求
只願意能聽見主祢對我說
祢何等喜悅我

從永遠到永遠
我主耶穌祢做王掌權
從永遠到永遠
我要緊跟隨不改變

cherry-picking

My female hasn’t had any counselling sessions for a long time. There was supposed to be one session last Friday but her Counsellor did not turn up. My female owner didn’t feel like asking her what happened and assumed that she had forgotten about it. Having been seeing her own clients, my female owner has always been on the side of waiting for people and chasing them up when they default/ cancel, so much so that she can’t bring herself to do the same thing as a counsellee.

And so, my female owner flitted along with life, with a nagging voice at the back of her mind about this issue. Yesterday, the voice manifested as an email from her ex-leader who wanted to know how things were going. My female owner typed off an email summarising her life over the past 1.5 months and ventilated about the dirty old man. She hasn’t gotten over the incident and her disgust with him actually escalated yesterday when he sat in for her group therapy and was highly disruptive.

Ex-leader replied with some of his thoughts about the way forward, a few of which are my female owner’s stuck points. So my female owner’s reply was “blah blah blah… not ready yet..slowly” or something along those lines. Before she slept, my female owner went youtubing on Pastor Prince (coz her neighbour had told her that the clip on humorous bible illustrations was so entertaining that she herself went around looking for more). Lo and behold, my female owner found, under the information section, a description for a sermon clip which was exactly what her ex-leader was telling her in the email (regarding satan and his ploys). Obviously she listened to it and tried to absorb the essence of the message.

Well well… time to stop cherry-picking the Bible and submit totally to God.

eroded

My female owner realised that she is traumatised by the OM (outrage of modesty; police speak) incident at the placement. She was back at her placement today and definitely queasy whenever she saw that dirty old man. Save for the cursory Aussie greetings (“hi, how are you?”), she avoided him like the plague.

She did a fabulous job of preventing herself from being in a compromised situation with him alone… until the end of the day. Read on to see Murphy’s law in action.

She had just left a resident’s room with the intention of leaving for the day, when of all people who could walk by, it was him. Seeing her, he asked for help…. with something in his room.

My female owner tensed up immediately. Her breathing quickened and she felt uneasy all over again. Reluctantly, she followed him to his room. He needed help in fixing up the board at the foot of his bed. My female owner fumbled her way through this unfamiliar task, being mindful not to turn her back towards him or to allow him to come too near. She was jittery and on high alert.

The board was fixed fairly easily and quickly. Wanting to make a quick escape, she realised to her horror that he was standing between her and the exit. Dirty old man extended his hand towards her. He wanted to shake her hand by way of saying thanks. Oh no. My female owner could just envision history repeating itself.

She hastily took his hand, shook it fast, said “I’ve got to go. See you.”, squeezed past him in the hope that he would not do anything with his hands. Thankfully he didn’t.

It didn’t matter that the offender was old and that his actions were not “invasive” as other forms of sexual harassment. The very fact that your personal space is violated and your sense of safety is eroded lowers the threshold for alarm bells to be set off. Darn the dirty old man.

Humorous Bible Illustrations

Who says church sermons can't be funnie? My female owner stumbled upon this as she was taking a short break from studying.. Brought back good memories of the times she visited this church in Singapore.

meals

My female owner always enjoyed one-to-one meals with people as it gives her an opportunity to get to the other person better and relate on a more personal level. Not surprisingly, different people elicit different responses from her.

My female owner met B for dinner last night. B is a fellow Singaporean friend who took care of her when she first came to Brisbane. They meet up for dinner once every few weeks. Although my female owner appreciates his friendship and kindness, she got bored quickly. As usual, B talked about how much he earns doing research and tutoring, statistics/ econometrics and Singapore drama serials/ artistes. Frivolous and/or out of her league. On a better day, he would talk about politics. Not really my female owner’s area of interest, but better than the other usual topics.

My female owner had a totally different experience with W whom she met for lunch today. W is a PhD psychology student. Due to their busy schedules, they meet for lunch once every few months. The lunch turned out to be more than a catch-up session. God was clearly involved in the conversation as it steered naturally from coursework and exam woes to how they need to choose to honour God even when they face pressure from others to conform to worldly standards in their training. The two of them started sharing testimonies of God’s relevance in their training and how some of the “scientific knowledge” of the field contradicts the Bible. Psychology, if not harnessed in the right spirit, can actually turn people (psychologists and clients) away from God. Christian psychologists are in a dangerous position because of the self-centred nature of the discipline and do need to be able to discern the Truth from deception.

My female owner went away, feeling more convicted of the need to meditate and apply the word of God in the different areas of her life. It is so easy to fall into the trap or routine of gathering knowledge, without testing it against what the Bible says. This conversation was spiritually stimulating for my female owner as it stirred up a fundamental issue that not many had been able to identify or engage with her.

So there, two different meal partners, with different outcomes.

Eternal Blossom - City Harvest Church

My female owner has been youtubing for non-English Christian songs. She stumbled upon this song, sang by Pastor Sun of City Harvest Church. The person who put up the video does not know Chinese, but added in her own translation, which adds to the charm of this song.

end

And so, semester 1 of 2009 ended last Friday, with the submission of her assignment on grief and loss. This semester has been wildly different from the previous two semesters. With only two modules, summarised by three assignments and one examination, my female took the chance to recuperate from the obscenely hectic schedule she had last year.

She stared off not liking the counselling module on domestic violence. Towards the end of the semester, my female owner grew to enjoy the module and to appreciate the lecturer’s style of teaching. Nonetheless, she still has issues with some of the smart alecks in the class who make unnecessary stupid comments. All in all, she doesn’t regret taking the course, as it has opened her eyes to a common but often silent phenomenon lurking in families.

Right now, my female owner is revising for her examination on clinical health psychology. A module which she has no complaints about. She enjoyed the course contents and hopes to do a placement in a hospital eventually.

The bane of the semester is still her placement at the aged care facility. It is not so much about working with old people that frustrates her. In fact, it has widened her horizons both personally and professionally. My female owner had always felt that she was stuck with this placement because she did not obey God’s prompting. Her first allocation was at Ipswich (about 1.5hr away from where she lived) at a disability service provider. For many reasons, my female owner finally decided to reject the placement even though she felt God saying to take it. A month later, she was offered another placement, working with children with trauma history. The arrangements didn’t work out and she ended up with the aged care placement with dodgy training arrangements, making her feel like an absolute guinea pig.

You can just imagine her mulling over the “if-onlys” and “I wonder”. One day, God told her that even though it seemed as if she got the placement out of “no choice”, He wanted her to know that He had arranged it and that He was still in control. My female owner hasn’t worked out the reasons for this placement and at times, she feels crossed about it. She reckons that one day, she will finally understand how this season of her life fits into the whole picture.

So there, three modules (including the placement) for Semester 1, almost completed. Technically, she is at about the half-way mark in fulfilling her dream… wow.

scroll

My female owner had an emo moment just now where she couldn’t sort out her thoughts and her feelings. She couldn’t figure out what exactly she was upset about and well, just started crying.

She calmed down after she stumbled upon a song on Youtube (The God I know). The lyrics took her focus off her volatile emotions to the steadfast nature of God. Yes, it is time she stopped being so inward-looking.

Anyway, after a long while, my female owner was able to put a finger to her earlier distress. For some reason, once again, she had felt alone (nothing actually happened). That same sense of aloneness she kept feeling years ago, when she scrolled down her mobile phone and couldn’t find anyone she would want to call to talk to in times of need. And perhaps, the only person would be her Onli Fren. Even then, my female owner hardly called her (if she ever did in the first place).

My female owner feels ridiculous for her outburst actually. Her bible study group has been such a tremendous blessing. She knows that there are people who will be willing to support her through emo moments. Yet, she also knows that she won’t approach them. She knows the problem lies with her, not them. She is not opening up to them beyond the social level. Yet, she finds such interactions meaningless after a while, in the absence of deeper, more intimate interactions.

I think my female owner became even more distressed when she realised that she is her own obstacle, that unless she removes whatever that is maintaining her aloofness, she will be struggling with this ambivalence.

The God I Know (Live) City Harvest Church

When the stage is bare tonight
There’s no one else
Just You and me
When the curtains close behind
There’s no pretense
I’m on my knees

I will lay down my life
For the love sacrifice
You gave to me
It’s all because of You
All because of You

The God I know
Righteous and holy
The God I know
Faithful and true
The God I know
My tower of refuge
Hearts are healed
Christ revealed

The God I know
Light of the city
The God I know
Strengthens the weak
The God I know
Your heart beats within me
As You are
So are we
So are we

This is my cry
My one desire
More of You
More of You

The church He knows
Light of this city
The church He knows
Strengthens the weak
The church He knows
Is strong and mighty
As He is, so are we

wholesome

Last night, my female owner’s bible study group friends told her that after church service today, they would be going for dinner then karaoke. My female owner was not so keen to join them for karaoke because she knew that they would stay out till late (2am?). While she normally enjoys hanging out late, she felt that she shouldn’t do it this time because of her upcoming exam. The group then told her to “study from 8am to 3pm on Sunday” so that she could stay out later at night.

Unconvinced, she said she might do that and then decide if she would give karaoke a go.

As it turns out, she got out of bed at 0900hr today (after snoozing for an hour). First sign of failure. Then she received an impromptu jio by I-Fren to pop over to his sister’s house to cook lunch together with two other friends (a male and a female). My female owner had such a experiential learning experience, just watching the two guys put together the yummiest meat bolognaise pasta she ever tasted (reportedly cooked with tonnes of TLC) and the gal concocting the most impromptu but delightful double choc chip muffins ever (no weighing scale or measuring cups involved). Just instinct?

The wholesome meal (yes, muffins are good for you) was topped off with anti-oxidating fruit juice and pinky Turkish Delight ice-cream…. And a short street-fighting Wii session. My female owner could not make head or tail of the game but well… she missed us, so she chose a turtle character and squeaked in delight when the turtle turned into a ball (she still likes round things).

What an eye-popping, mouth-watering gastronomical adventure! (Yah, she couldn’t really contribute much, so she gingerly helped to prepare the ingredients and did some washing).

Needless to say, my female owner’s half-hearted plan to study from 8 to 3pm didn’t work out and in a way, that made it easier for her to say no to dinner and karaoke at night (she didn't really want to go in the first place).

blessed

My female owner says that it never rains but pours. There are some Saturdays where she would spend the whole day at home because she has no social appointments and there are some Saturdays where she is totally “socialised”.

Today is one such Saturday. In fact, a Saturday where she felt extremely blessed and taken care of. Her first appointment was at 0930hr. She walked over to a church friend’s house for some informal guitar class. She was quickly showered with food (snacks, cookies, instant noodles, tea) and engaging conversations by the occupants of the house. Guitar class was fun, with four people learning from one another. One person (Mr Nice Guy) left just before lunch to get something from his house in a nearby unit. He never returned.

He later called to say that he cooked lunch for everyone, so could they go over in ten minutes? Wow! And he is the Mister Chef of the bible study group. Yummy fried rice and potato cakes. So the four of them had impromptu lunch, watching Running in Heels on his widescreen TV.

Blessed by the lunch, my female owner then left for a BBQ birthday lunch party (chicken wings and mushrooms!) at South Bank. The birthday gal was her ex-bible study group member from the student group. People came and went and eventually, there were about 11 people who remained. 10 of them were from the student group (before it split three ways). My female owner had a great time just catching up with them over random silly topics (chest hair and third nipples?!) and yummy food (mango pudding and brownies!). That session left her with a “meeting up with old friends” kind of feeling. Because of the rare opportunity of meeting them in a group setting, my female owner decided not to watch Terminator (around the same place) with her current bible study group members (working group).

After the party ended, she dutifully went home to study and even had a three-way MSN chat with her Onli Frens while she was studying.…. but not for long.

The movie had also ended and her current bible study group friends called her out for dinner. Because she needed transport to wherever they were going, one driver came to fetch her. The heartwarming thing was, the driver was not even going for dinner. So he made a detour just to bring her to the others before heading home. Mr Nice Guy who was also in the car had no intention of going for dinner. But because the driver didn’t know the way to the dinner venue, he decided to go along for dinner in order to direct the way.

Dinner was nice, with a cosy group of friends. And to top it off, dessert at Sunnybank! What a blessed day, full of fellowship and yummy (home-cooked) food.

Okay, I think it is really time for her to study now.

only

My female owner finally completed her final assignment for this semester. The deadline had been extremely generous – last day of the semester but in her usual “I need adrenaline” working style, she completed it on the day of submission.

In addition, she multi-tasked and had decent MSN conversations with four individuals while she worked at her assignment for six straight hours. One of the individuals was her Onli Fren, whom my female owner had not spoken to for ages. For certain Frens, ages mean “about a week”.

Through the long chat (no thanks to Onli Fren’s constant disappearance!), they realised that Onli Fren had forgotten how the term Onli Fren came about! How upsetting for my female owner who had real, emotional reasons for coming up with such a term. Onli Fren also got upset coz she felt that “Onli Fren not necessarily only friend”. Ah… someone’s jealous and insecure.

Anyway, to set the records straight, I’ve clarified how the term “Onli Fren” was birthed.

There was a period of time in my female owner’s life when she felt really down and out. However, when she looked through her handphone contact numbers and the friends she had in her life, she realised that there was ONLY one person whom she MIGHT call if she needed to talk to someone. Yes, only one person and that was Onli Fren.

There you go, short and sweet history.

My female owner knew that the reverse was not true. That Onli Fren had several other close friends whom she could turn to in times of need. For instance, Onli Fren had a best friend and other same cohort friends. But for my female owner, Onli Fren was really only friend then.

equilibrium

My female owner is ambivalent about whether her current placement is a bane or boom. Now that she has only 8 more days to work there… she can’t help but try to salvage the placement by focusing on the positive takeaways. Her newfound equilibrium was shaken today because of a dirty old man (W). Now, the CB-therapist would say that it is the interpretation of the situation that made her upset and not the situation itself. Well… I leave it to you to decide.

My female owner had always known W to be a little disinhibited with his words and actions (i.e. oozing with sexual innuendoes). Today, he was in pain due to his urinary tract infection. In a bid to distract him from the pain, my female owner decided to chat with him. W generally mumbles and half the time, people cannot really understand him. Anyway, through that short chat, he asked my female owner if she would come to bed with him that night!? Of course, she laughed it off. And later, she offered to get him a cushion for his back, he asked if he could lie on her. Just verbal teasing you might say.

My female owner then brought him back to his room. In his room, he put his arm around her waist when her back was facing him (he had previously tried to put his hand up her back, under her top). She almost wanted to aikido him and pin him to his bed. Her trauma didn’t end there. He tried to pull her towards him to hug her. Of course my female owner was strong enough to resist him and even overpower him. However, she was mindful of her strength and…. his feelings.

She ended up giving him a half-hug sort of thing. W persisted by refusing to let go of her hands. Oh my goodness… my shell is rattling even as I write this. My female owner tried to wriggle her way out. And W pulled her towards him again so that he could kiss her cheek-to-cheek. She had no choice but to reciprocate. Not to mention that he kept holding on to her hands even afterwards and she tried to move away tactfully.

My female owner didn’t really know what’s the best way to deal with such a situation actually. She just tried to escape as quickly as she could. She doesn’t even know if she’s warranted to sprout some hokkien vulgarities in the comfort of her own room. This man’s brain may be malfunctioning due to his age and multiple illnesses.

ticket

My female owner has been missing Singapore recently. Having made the decision earlier this year not to return home in July (despite great offers by SIA), she is now emotionally processing (or regretting?) her decision.

If she had booked a ticket back, she would be able to say “I will be home next month!”. Right now, all she can say is, “six more months before I get home”. What a difference that would make for her morale! In fact, her ideal window of travel would be around 26 June till 12 July. But she only managed to work out this information today… by now, the fare is about AUD1100. By manipulating things however, she found a way to make a trip back for S$860..

Oh yah, that’s another thing. My female owner has been surfing the various airlines websites in the hope of getting cheap flights… It’s becoming an obsession I must say. She even thought of taking a cheap flight to KL and then grabbing a plane from KL to Singapore.

wish she is coming back... six months really sounds like a long time.. even to a long-life turtle..

serenity

Did you know that there is a second part to the all-famous Serenity Prayer? My female owner found that out today, when she was trying to construct a tip sheet for her elderly clients.

The Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change;

courage to change the things I can;

and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;

Enjoying one moment at a time;

Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;

Taking, as He did, this sinful world

as it is, not as I would have it;

Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His will;

That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely

happy with Him forever in the next.
Amen

16 months

My female owner has spent 16 months in Brisbane. This is exactly the same length of time she spent at her first full-time job as a health promotion executive.

Same length of time, but different experiences, memories and development.

One is her maiden job, throwing her into the intricacies of the “real world”. Though naïve about how to navigate office politics and boss manage, my female owner won the favour of her lady boss. She also quickly developed strong relationships with her immediate work team. Her only regret is that she is no longer in contact with any of them. My female owner left because the work was under stimulating (she could go on leave for a week and come back to find that she had nothing much to follow-up on) and she wanted to pursue a psychological career.

The other, an undeserved overseas education, exposed her to a richer spectrum and intensity of emotions and experiences than the entire 6.5 years of her second relationship put together. Her learning curves were steep, so steep that at times, she felt as if she was sliding backwards. Character development (or character confrontation if you will) was, and still is, the call of the day. I might have said this before, but I shall say it again. Brisbane has a calming effect on my female owner. It could the lifestyle, context or weather, but her neurotic emotions took a back seat.

Unlike her first job, my female owner cannot leave her studies after 16 months. Her programme takes three years to complete. That is exactly the same length of time she spent at her second job. Now, that would call for another comparison when the time comes. Suffice to say, three years at her second job went fast… but painfully, with lotsa tears, anger and bitterness. My female owner is determined not to allow history repeat itself.

Brisbane, a unique season of her life. Making it count.

Yiruma - Ways going to school

My female owner is experiencing resurgence in her love for piano music. Some of you may know that she learnt to play the piano from a young age. What you may not know is that she was traumatised by her piano teacher. She was an old cranky lady who suffered from epilepsy. My female owner received home lessons and was often alone with the teacher. Hence, on the few occasions that the teacher suffered a fit, my female owner had to cope with the distress of seeing an unpleasant event by herself.

Certainly not a good way of nurturing a love for music in a young child. In addition, the teacher used to sing the melody line loudly into her ear (might have contributed to her tone-deafness!) and pinched her for fun or to get her point across. The teacher also did not believe in preparing her for music theory examinations and you can just imagine the shaky foundation her knowledge of music was built on. What unorthodox methods of instruction!

Yes, my female owner totally place the responsibility of her undeveloped/ suppressed/ traumatised music genes on this music teacher. Anyway, my female owner has been listening to Yiruma’s music on youtube and she is totally in love with his music. One of her favourite tunes is “Ways of Going to School”. Not only is it different from the rest of his music, it is played by four hands (she has always enjoyed duets more than solo performances). The precision of the two pianists simply amazes her.

withdrawal

My female owner is in her withdrawal mode these days.

She hasn’t really spoken to her housemates for days (maybe only three lines?). Traditionally, she does not really communicate much with housemates (no thanks to her upbringing where she hardly speaks to her brother). I think she has a big personal space radius. In fact, she would rather close her room door when she is at home, but knowing that they prefer to be “open”, she decided to compromise on that.

This is how she avoided talking or seeing them for days. In the mornings, she either leaves the house before they wake up (during working days) or snoozes in bed until they leave the house. Actually, maybe they are actually snoozing in bed until she leaves the house on her working days!

At night, if she reaches home before them, she will hole up in her room when they arrive home. Although her door remains open, she would not go out of her room until they have retired for the night. At other times, she reaches home late enough to know that they have retired for the night.

Not a very fun or engaging housemate to have, I must say. I think she functions better as a travelling partner, since the duration of close physical proximity is short-term and the common activities are stimulating and non-routine.

Hillsong - Centre of my life

One common prayer that Christians make to God is that they want God to be the centre of their lives.

My female owner is no exception. Recently, God showed her the image of a photograph and asked her “Where am I, in this photograph?”

My female owner knew what God was saying. The photograph represents her life, different elements that make up her life. Her family, her friends, us turtles, her studies, her different interests (e.g. aikido, outdoor activities, music etc), her dreams, experiences, fears … and God.

For a long time, God had been tucked in one corner, far away from the centre. Despite her spiritual upheavals over the last decade of her life, my female owner cannot deny the realness of God. At the same time, for many reasons, she had allowed other things (tangible and intangible) to take centre stage in her life.

She is now in the midst of “photo-shopping” this photograph. To remove those elements which had overstayed, to prune away others which had grown weeds and uproot uninvited residents. To increase those elements which deserve a bigger and more prominent position in her photo and even add in missing elements!

lessons

Lessons from the dying:

I have listened to many people at the end of their life’s journey. From them I have learned how precious each breath can be, how wonderful it is to have people who love you, how delicious a cup of coffee can be, how blessed it is to be without pain. For the dying, I have learned much about the details of life, looking and really seeing, listening and really hearing, touching and really feeling. I have learned about not wasting time, I have learned about focusing on real needs. From the dying, I have learned about courage. I have learned about seeking meaning and purpose in my own life. I have learned how important it is for me to acknowledge that my own life will come to an end. I have learned about a deeper spiritual consciousness, realising that our world is so much more than what we can touch, see, and measure. And yet, all of that, the dying claim to receive from us when we are congruent, empathic and show unconditional positive regard. All of this is healing in the midst of woundedness, healing in the midst of loss and grief.

- D.C. Smith (Living with grief: Who we are how we grieve)

melody

My female owner thinks that I-Fren and F-Fren should just talk to each other. Over the course of the past year, at different points in time, both of them had brought up different aspects of her level of functioning with her. While they sing different melody lines, after a while, the melodies harmonise into one coherent minor key song (songs in the minor keys are generally melancholic and sad).

Their song reached a crescendo last night, when their timings finally coincided and they literally sang the same tune in two different parts. First it was F-Fren with the remnants of Monday’s conversation. When that ended, I-Fren (intuitively?) took over and kept the music going. After that, even Potahto took over, as the sound mixer that gelled the different parts together.

Has my female owner been that easy to read and decipher? I don’t think so. If she is, her previous partner won’t have kept saying “I don’t understand you anymore”?

doubts

My female owner has great doubts about her abilities. She keeps thinking she is never good enough, the work that she is doing is never good enough, she will never be good enough. This is exemplified in her recent assignment, where she spent hours writing and re-writing the essay, because she felt it was not up to standard (well… she could be right actually).

Among many things, Functional Fren urged her to look back into her past experiences and achievements to understand where such self-harming thoughts originated. With skilful questioning and emphasis on certain words she used, he led her to understand how unhealthy vicious cycles had formed in her life. He also helped my female owner to separate herself from her thoughts by pointing out that there was nothing wrong with her as a person... the problem was with her thoughts. In challenging her to work on her dysfunctional core belief, he spelt out her reluctance to move forward “not that you can’t, you won’t”.

Such irony.

A trained counsellor doing CBT on a trained psychologist.

directions

Within her limited circle of friends, there are a few people who, from time to time, confront my female owner on her issues. I use the word “confront” because that is exactly what they do. They see a problem and they bring it to her attention directly without being euphemistic. Sometimes, she does not even know what her issues are until they start. When she tries to escape or divert the topic, they tell her straightaway to stay the course.

Tonight was another one of those (unexpected) times. This time, it came in the form of her Functional Fren. The MSN conversation started innocently with “how have you been?” She probably pressed his button when she started to say that the life she is living now is like a form of escapism for her. That she will be confronted with the harsh reality in two years time, with no career or savings or direction in life, and the only medal to her name is the title Dr.

Functional Fren then proposed that it was not that my female owner had no directions in life. It was more that she refused to receive directions. That got my female owner confused and she asked for clarifications. It came fast and strong, in the form of questions:

• how are u taking the fact that u are getting ur Doctorate?
• how do u feel about u not having much family obligations ( as compared to me) and leave singapore to pursue ur studies
• how do u feel about you actually the only one following the psych path as compared to your frens here in singapore
• how do u feel abt given the opportunity to study in UQ and best part of it.,. excelling in ur studies
• the thing is.. u need to be contented with all the blessed things u are given with.. and how u want to return God's favour..
• all ur frens here have been giving u the support that u need.. but u kept thinking u CMI..
  so isnt that refusal to receive directions in life?

Confronting but necessary. The conversation then steered towards other pertinent issues that he saw as a “big bloody baggage”. Cyber CBT. My female owner reckons that she needs therapy in addition to counselling...

yield

My female owner reported having a really fun weekend of escaping a looming assignment deadline. She had her schedule planned out for the weekend. It goes something like “Spend Saturday doing essay. Use one computer to read PDF files and the other to type essay. Meet Bxx for dinner if it doesn’t rain. Go to uni early on Sunday to print out essay to proofread and make final changes.”

Her intricate plans were disrupted with an impromptu jio from Mr Nice Guy (note: new friend label) to watch Star Trek at South Bank. Having been unable to join him in previous jios, she decided that she could well-afford this mini detour. They ended up watching A Night in the Museum with two other church friends. And movie extended to dinner at Runcorn at a Taiwanese restaurant called Green Tea Garden or something. The interior of the restaurant was painted a strong green! Poor female owner!

And the four of them had a whaling good time going gaga over their bubble tea. With names like First Kiss, Angel’s Kiss, Romance and Random, you can just imagine the jokes that crack up over statements like “I wanna enjoy my First Kiss”, “My Romance is too sweet for me!”, “I’m going to bring my Romance home”, “Look! Your Romance is getting diluted..”, “Mine is so Random!” They also had a pseudo-intimate sharing of their previous relationships and reasons why they ended. My female owner reckons that it was cathartic for a couple of them.

Saturday night escapade was supposed to end then. Except that Mr Nice Guy and Mr Romance wanted to rent DVDs to watch. My female owner put her foot down to say that she couldn’t join them because she had an assignment to do. Alas, under the combined persuasion powers of the two Mr, my female owner yielded to her true self and ended up watching Eagle Eye on a wide-screen plasma TV (so shiok she says!)

She ended up reaching home at about 12midnight…. But hey! Her conscience spoke up real loud (or it could have been the caffeine working in full force) and she worked till about 0400hr.

Sunday started late for her, at about 1100hr. Almost immediately, my female owner got her engine running and continued working on her violent essay. She had half a mind not to go for dinner with her church friends after church in order to make up for lost time. Ah, you got it right, she ended up going for dinner even though her conscience was tugging at her really loud. And what a dinner it was, with an impromptu addition of her I-Fren who drew out the often-unseen side of her (reserved only for selected categories of friends) in front of the rest of her bible study group friends. In her words, she probably has to do much damage control afterwards.

Once again, history repeated itself. Yielding to the combined persuasion powers of the two Mr, and she ended up watching Body of Lies. Reached home at 2300hr and worked till about 0300hr on her assignment.

There you go, a weekend with three movies and two ticklish dinners, right in the heart of Brisbane. Re-enacts part of a familiar lifestyle which my female owner left behind when she went over to Brisbane to study.

weaknesses

My female owner just had a MSN conversation with Mr Squabbles (after a really long time). She found out that he had always credited my female owner and another friend (her Librarian Fren) for being the two persons who jumpstarted his return to God.

My female owner was astonished at his revelation. Two years ago (before Easter 2007), when she jioed the both of them to church, she was actually lost herself and simply trying to get some church kakis. At that time, my female owner was still attached but she was not being supported in her quest to rebuild her relationship with God. She asked the two of them coz they were relatively close and were fellow Christians who had stopped attending church for one reason or another. Well, after a shaky start, the three of them established a regular Sunday routine for a few months before Librarian Fren left Singapore to further her studies.

Ah, as what my female owner said, “God can work with our weaknesses and make something good out of them”. Happily, two years later, the three of them have made progress in their Christian walk. It warmed my female owner’s heart to learn too, that Mr Squabbles had been praying for the both of them. Without doubt, his prayers have made a difference to their lives.

beloved

My female owner has been nursing the feeling that she is losing her friends in Singapore. She hasn’t heard from many of them for quite a while and wonders if this is the sad consequence of being away for too long. It has come to a point where she wonders if there is any point going back to Singapore since she has “no friends” anyway. Yes, she is still in her “no friends” mode for some reasons.

Anyway, what perked her up today was that her beloved aikido sensei wrote her a nice email to update her of his life (good news all the way!) and she even managed to have a short chat with him on MSN.

She misses him. He was someone who believed in her and never failed to encourage her through tough times (whether on the mat or at work). Knowing him changed her life for the better. His kind words, sweet gestures, fabulous story-telling abilities, sincere heart, unending energy, sensitivity and care made it difficult for her to leave Singapore.

Some people and some experiences are just irreplaceable.

milk

My female owner had another session with her Counsellor. Left her feeling depleted, coz she ended up crying (again). This time, the dams opened when my female owner was praying and renouncing her negative experiences and thoughts.

My female owner is getting somewhat frustrated with herself for being such a cry-baby. Just get over it, she says. No point crying over spilled milk! Somemore, so old already.

consolidate

My female owner couldn’t believe what she heard yesterday.

Despite the storm which was allegedly the worst South East Queensland had experienced since 1974 (In her usual oblivious state, my female owner didn’t realise that fact, until someone told her that the ferry services were cancelled and many places were flooded. She actually thought that heavy rain was similar to those she experienced in Singapore during the monsoon season), she went for a coordination meeting for externs who were also involved in the residential aged care placements.

The project coordinator updated that one of the externs who couldn’t make it for the meeting sent an email to tell her that “the externship had been very good and he was getting a lot of unique experiences”.

My female owner couldn’t believe her ears. Is that guy for real? Very good experience?

My female owner tried to consolidate some of her thoughts on the placement but didn’t get very far coz she was tired. Here’s part of what she says:

The placement at the residential aged care facility provided me with learning experiences that most other clinical psychologists-in-training would not have access to. The project coordinator affirmed us that we are the experts in this area, and that we are the trailblazers in providing clinical interventions to a population that has never had access to psychological services. I’m not sure if I agree with her.

From the word go, I was faced with the challenges of introducing the concept of psychological services to a cohort which has survived two world wars and are used to being fiercely independent and also, to gain the support of the staff at the facility who had little clue about our purpose. I learnt quickly, the need to be creative, flexible and patient as I adapted my textbook knowledge of psychotherapies to the raw reality of working with old-old adults (above 85 years old). They often do not understand the role of a psychologist, and tended to regard me as one of the volunteers/ staff whose job was to listen to their stories. They were not interested in therapies or working on their issues. They had reached a point of their lives where they were no longer interested in self-improvement. Rather, they were either looking back into the past to recount the days of youth, or in one of the residents’ words “just waiting to die”. Besides the physical barriers of ill-health, poor sight, bad hearing, cognitive impairment affecting communication, I also had to try to neutralise my accent so that I could be understood. So much to overcome, just to have a decent conversation, what more, therapy.

For a long time, I struggled with my professional self-concept. What could I value-add to these residents that volunteers and staff are already not doing? What more could I gain in terms of clinical training, besides active listening, reframing and reinforcing desirable behaviours? I was not developing my skills in assessment, formulating and treatment. I was frustrated at my non-learning.

Many times, I felt stuck and helpless as residents told me about their pain, their disabilities, their losses, their grief and their unmet desires. How do I respond to such pain? There is so much truth in their sufferings that CBT (“you need to change your thoughts”) feels so much more cold and heartless. You can only listen up to a certain point. After that, you start to wonder if this is all you can do. Listen and....? If I had a magic wand, I would not hesitate to wave over them, so that they could experience less pain, physically and emotionally. Working there, I reached a point where I do not wish to grow old. Let me die before I lose my functioning.

disturbing

My female owner finally received her marked assignment on “workplace bullying”. Students had to write a 1500-word essay on the topic (covering definitions, risk factors, consequences and implications for counselling practice) and a 1000-word personal reflection based on the research done/ personal experience.

Well, my female owner actually finished her personal reflection (centred on her personal experience with workplace bullying) before she completed the research writeup. Her lecturer graded her kindly for this section, with 28/30 and his comments were “I find your personal reflections a little disturbing… like you said, ‘ain’t psychologists supposed to help make life better?’…”

Oh well…. My female owner had been very disturbed by her experiences too.

waste

I wanted to come up with some random facts about my ex-male owner aka my female owner’s second ex, just like what I did recently about her first ex, but my female owner didn’t like the idea of me wasting time and cyberspace writing about him.

Oh well… Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.

Better do as she says, otherwise she might send a message to her parents to “starve the fat yellow turtle” My life is at stake!

boundaries

My female owner is traumatised. Her mother has just set up a Facebook account with the help of her brother, and obviously requested to be her friend.

Now, as with a paternal auntie who requested to be my female owner’s friend (my female owner hasn't approved the request), my female owner thinks that this is over-stepping the friends/ family boundaries. My female owner is racking her brains to explain this to her mother tactfully, without her feeling offended.

Any suggestions?

My female owner thought of “we can always talk on MSN… so no need to put you on FB.” Or “FB is more for friends and colleagues, very strange to put family members.”

help!

first

Random facts about my female owner’s first BGR.

They were classmates in junior college.

My female owner liked him the moment she saw him (“her type of guy”). 一见中情

He is shorter than her.

He later became her Onli Fren’s grandson (or something like that).

Because of him, she adopted the practice of eating from a bowl and with a pair of chopsticks... until now.

Because of him, she started to like round things and sometimes emphasises her “o” using capital letters, e.g. rOund, hellO, nOOki.

She loved him more than her second ex.

My female owner never thought that he had feelings for her, although they spent hours after school every day in fast-food restaurants doing homework. How oblivious.

Jealousy was the catalyst that made him ask “will you be my girlfriend?”.

The relationship was the beginning of her spiritual downfall, coz she became too distracted.

They had a rocky relationship. She became depressed. He became withdrawn and isolated. But they still tried to make things work (I wonder why).

They are still on talking terms.

sneezing

My female owner had an “ill-week” which started on Wednesday afternoon when she went to talk to one of her residents. Within 30 minutes, this guy smoked two cigarettes right in her face. That started a sneezing fit that extended till Friday. Yes, she is hyper-sensitive to cigarette smoke. She doesn't mind friends smoking but not in her face!

By Friday, her sneezing fit morphed into a headache that consumed her energy. My female owner hardly gets headaches so this was peculiar and distressing for her. She even thought that she was having a fever as her extremities were icy-cold. Anyway, after taking some panadols, my female owner was knocked out on the bed for a few hours before going for bible study.

During bible study, her sneezing fit got worse and she started to get a blocked nose which made her breathing difficult. Her throat also became sore from the sneezing and she developed a dry cough.

Hopefully she gets better over the weekend as she has to submit two assignments shortly.

self

Do you know who you are? Do you know what you like and what you don’t? What makes you happy and what makes you sad? What your personality is? What kind of people do you get along well with? Do you know why you make certain decisions or what motivates you to do/ not do certain things?

A while back, my female owner realised that she doesn’t really have a strong sense of self. Passive by nature, she has been accommodating to people’s preferences and inclinations. Hence, she tended to go along with the flow so that consensus can be reached faster, or as the cross-cultural psychologist would say, highly collectivist in nature. She lost herself after years of living this way.

Didn’t help that she has a domineering and over-protective mother who made as many decisions as possible for her. Even the portion of noodles (not instant noodle) for meals! To the point that if she had to make a bowl of noodle for herself, my female owner didn’t know how much to take for herself, coz her mother had been deciding how much was enough for her all along!

Oh well.. my female owner has been stuck in memories. She had been very self-focused as well. “I am fat”, “I am a dodgy psychologist”, "I am so useless... still using my mum's money at my age", "I have no friends" (???), “I used to be this”, “How I wish I am that”, “If I could relive my life again, I would…”, etc..

She has been reading a few books recently and one of them was talking about being self-centred. My female owner never saw herself as being self-centred (coz she would willingly give up what she wants so that people could get what they want). But now, she realised that she had been centring her thoughts and energy on herself. That’s self-centredness too. So, she has resolved to be more God-centred and if those ruminative thoughts come round, she will replace them with “I am a child of God”. There, she found her self-identity. Being fat is no longer her self-identity.

accident

My female owner was involved in a 4-vehicle pile-up accident just now, on her way back from a church event. The 4th (taxi) driver hit the 3rd car which hit the car she was in, and then her car hit the first car.

Although no one was injured, the unexpected turn of events left her shaken and stunned.

The heart-warming thing was that some church people who were driving by, on their way home stopped to check if my female owner and her friends were ok. One of them even sent home the three girls who were in the backseat. My female owner chose to stay behind to support the driver. Other church members soon arrived to provide support and care. Some also called my female owner to ask about her. Such strong community spirit.

My female owner needs time to process this event. She is still in shock.

brains

My female owner has been thinking a lot recently. She just cannot work out some things while at the same time, other stuff caught her by surprise (and she can’t work them out either).

Anyway, speaking of brains… she stopped at Goldcoast over the weekend to buy bottles of Salmon Oil from the chemist for her family. They have been taking these health supplements to manage their chronic illnesses. It seems like Salmon Oil is good for the heart, cholesterol level, cognitive function and memory. My female owner was tempted to use one bottle for herself to boost her brain power. She pinpoints her decline in cognitive functioning to the following: drinking, aging and lack of fish in her diet (too expensive, she says).

However, my female owner then decided that her brains can wait (hmm.. I see this as a clear sign of cognitive impairment: not being able to prioritise what is most important and getting distracted by peripherals). She chose to get a bottle of Glucosamine instead. Apparently, it helps to:

• Relieve the pain caused by osteoarthritis
• Increase joint mobility and reduce joint stiffness
• Reduce joint inflammation and swelling
• Reduce cartilage wear
• Protect from deterioration of joint damage in osteoarthritis

Yes, she wants to do something about her dodgy knee before it gets too late and she ends up limping all her life. Ah, the perils of aging, random taste-buds and uncontrolled weight-gain.

churn

For a large part of this semester, my female owner struggled with emptiness and disengaged from her coursework. Maybe it is burnout from her gruelling lifestyle last year. Out of the three courses she is taking, she is only enjoying one of it (health psychology). She has issues with the counselling module (on domestic violence) and her externship. I think as you get older, you get more fussy and demanding about getting quality service.

Anyway, her to-do list for her modules is relatively short, compared to last year’s.

• Three essays (one submitted)
• One exam
• Folio/ paperwork/ record-keeping/ general reading for the externship (similar to last year’s internships).

There are only four more weeks till the end of semester (2/3 down!) and yes, the time has come for my female owner to pull up her socks and start to churn out those papers for submission. A painful, agonising and time-consuming exercise. A necessary evil, I suppose, in order to graduate...

Quick quick finish and quick quick come back!

The Mom Song--- With Lyrics

Something which was screened in church today. Really funnie. Wonder if my female owner would be like that if she is a mom.

doors

Been exactly a month since God spoke through her ex-leader, to reveal to my female owner that she had locked up some doors in her life, some so tightly that He would like her to open those doors and allow Him to heal her of past hurts. One month on, my female owner has a better idea of what those doors are and have managed to locate some of the keys to unlock those doors.

Over the course of the month, my female owner took several steps to open her heart to God again. She spoke first to her ex-leader who supported her through what he calls her “awwing and hmming”. The prayers he made for her soothed the tempest within her and opened up some spiritual blockage. Moving on, she shared some bits with her Functional and Potahto Frens who responded with much appreciated cyber-support. Despite her reluctance, my female owner then went on to set an appointment to with Counsellor, someone with whom she has no personal relationship with (issues of trust screaming out loud) and dutifully met up with her. My female owner posed some theological questions to Counsellor. Her responses opened up my female owner’s spiritual eyes and she started to see things through God’s heart. Counsellor asked her to write down her convictions about who God is to her before the next session. Doing that exercise was painful for my female owner and she was shocked by the answers she came up with. So shocked that she cried even. My female owner never thought she would do it, but she also opened up to I-Fren who already intuitively knew her issues. Was good coz she had a good cry over selective aspects which she had never spoken about.

Such an eventful month for my female owner. Her thoughts are still muddled up but there is greater clarity. The internal pressure that has built up within her is slowly being released as she spends more time in prayer and reading the Bible and as God brings different individuals into her life to support her.

intense

My female owner has been pretty occupied lately, with her assignment deadlines coming up and her Second Onli Fren’s boyfriend being in town. Not to mention, she is putting in more time and effort to socialise with her bible study friends and praying/ reading the Bible more. Yes, no time for exercise!

Been an emotional and thought-provoking weekend for her. It started with the counselling session she had with someone from church (let’s call her Counsellor) through to Saturday where she went for a road-trip to Byron Bay (2 hour drive away.. in New South Wales actually) and God spoke to her through a rainbow and right up to Sunday night, where she had an impromptu catch-up session with her I-Fren. She had intense moments. Questions which bug her for years are being answered, not in a direct way but with answers which give her a peace of mind. Emotions bottled up for years were released openly and safely.

The beauty of retrospection is that you see how things connect. My female owner is beginning to see how the foundation that God started laying last year through different people and incidents helped her to be more receptive to the plans He has in store for her. Only now, my female owner sees how God used different individuals to carry the same message to my female owner (yes, she’s that kind of person who needs to be persuaded a few times before agreeing to trying something outside of her comfort zone).

There is no denying that God is a patient God. He prompts and He urges but never forces you to do anything you are not ready to. All this while, God has been waiting for my female owner to be ready and willing to re-dedicate her life to Him. My female owner has (happily) taken the first few steps of faith and slowly but surely, she will see Him moving in her life. The journey has just started.

service

My female owner has been playing her flute more often these days (thank God she’s out of range of the Balcony!). She only plays the flute during the day and when no one is at home. That’s a small window of opportunity isn’t it?

Anyway, she was just surfing the internet when she chanced upon an Australian website for Flutes and Flutists. How apt, coz she has been wondering whether it is time to service her $3000 (?!?!) flute (like cars, instruments also need to be serviced regularly) and if yes, where she could do it. The company claims to be “Australasia's leading specialist flute supplier, offering a large range of student, intermediate and professional flutes. It also offers a leading edge flute repair service, all under the direction of David Leviston.”

For her flute, which is a Yamaha 500-series and classified as a”handfinished flute”, a general service will cost $340, repeat service, $280 and overhaul, $995. Quite exhorbitant prices, considering that she once sent in an intermediate model for servicing (or was it an overhaul?) in Singapore and the bill came up to $200+.

Whats in a service?
Replace missing corks and felts,replace up to 4 pads, general pad work& shimming,clean polish oil adjust, remove minor dents, 3 month warranty

Whats in an Overhaul?
Replace all corks & felts, remove scratches & dents, complete polish of body & keys, clean oil adjust, remove wear from mechanism 6 month warranty

Hmmm.. like it or not, the flute is assessed to be still in good condition..

out

My female owner is meeting the person whom she is supposed to get help from in less than an hour’s time. Yah, after a long-winded attempt to set an appointment, the two of them finally arranged to meet today at my female owner’s house.

When the appointment was settled last week, my female owner sent an email to her leader, requesting that he prays also that her house-mates would not be home (As you may already know, Female Housemate tended to stay home these days, leaving my female owner feeling frustrated).

On her own, my female owner made some half-hearted prayer for Female Housemate to be out of the house today. I say it is half-hearted, coz my female owner was already mentally prepared for Female Housemate to be home. Anyway, last night, my female owner informed her that she would be having a friend over for lunch and asked if Female Housemate would like to join them for lunch.

Her reply was “Oh, I will be going to school tomorrow, I’ve already cooked our lunches.” Amazing coz she is usually home during lunch-time.

And indeed, this morning, she was out of the house by 0900hr. My female owner is amazed at how God would answer her simple prayer.

hard

My female owner says that it is harder for a person who has low morale to work than a person who is physically ill. In a split-second decision made last night, she decided to call in sick at her placement today. Not the most glamorous thing to be declaring but my female owner just couldn’t face another day of wandering around and trying to make herself believe that she is doing psychological work. Like what Onli Fren says (after her initial shock, and possibly disapproval), if skipping one day can boost her morale, then why not? For the longer good.

This is also in line with my female owner's decision to work smart rather than work hard. So, rather than clock long hours doing work (i.e. "work hard"), she is trying to strategise and rearrange her work so that she can achieve more in a shorter time. Not sure how working smart is connected to skipping work, but apparently, my female owner thinks that going to work today is a waste of time as she can make up the missed "clinical hours" another time by clocking more hours within a day. Something like that.

And so, my female owner woke up today feeling like a little caged bird being set free for a day. She spent the day working on her 3000-word assignment on domestic violence and sneaked in a 2-hour break to try out a curry veggies recipe. Yes, no cheat sauce involved. She’s reportedly quite pleased with the outcome.

unexpected

My female owner met up with an unexpected person from Singapore yesterday night. Her Second Onli Fren’s boyfriend! Yeah, he is now in Brisbane for business and was under instructions from Second Onli Fren to pass a gift she bought from Bali to my female owner. In true-blue Second Onli Fren's style, she only told my female owner that he was coming on the very day of his arrival.

Check it out! So sweet of her eh. Yeah, the picture fits nicely onto the existing nail in her wall, and finds a footing at the adjacent wall!

Yah, I know that turtle looks like me.

Anyway, my female owner said that she enjoyed the chat with the boyfriend. They were later joined by one of her church friends who happened to be at the same restaurant. In case you are wondering, what a coincidence! You need to realise that Brisbane is so small and sedated that there are limited choices for eateries which remain open after 2200hr.

My female owner couldn’t help but wish that her Second Onli Fren had came along for the trip. Would have been so much fun (and distraction!).

online

Been a while since I heard my female owner on video-cam. Her (partial) abstinence from MSN has been in effect since she came back from Melbourne and her cyber absence, noted by a few people. For example, the first time she appeared online after a few days, one of her friends, who was actually invisible, immediately sent a message “you are finally online!” Wahaha. Hmmm… The MSN season of her life seems to be over…

solitude

After three weekends of procrastination, my female owner finally brought herself to school to clock some hours for her paid work (hmm… sounds like my female owner has been “clocking hours” for various segments of her life).

She succeeded in spending the day entering data and organising the data files. Free from gastronomical distractions and resources, she finds that she is more productive in her humble office in school.

Also, the office offers her solitude. For some reason, her housemates (or at least the wife) are at home more often than before. Although they leave her alone, she still feels stifled, knowing that there is a high chance that she needs to make small talk with them. Already she doesn't like to make small talk. What more, if she has to do it in Mandarin! Plain torture.

Yes, still the anti-social her. Gotta accept her for the way she is.

pandemonium

My female owner finally recuperated from her accumulated sleep debt. Or at least, she “clocked the hours”. That’s why I can get some updates from her.

She says that she is fitting in better with her bible study group friends. For one, she introduced the art of impromptu mass-emailing and replying. This is a practice common in Singapore among close colleagues and friends. Or at least among her Impromptu Frens. One person sends an email regarding something. Someone (the catalyst) replies with a not-so-relevant comment. The ball of random replies starts to roll and the fun starts.

Apparently, her friends have never done such things before and they are highly amused by firstly, the mountain of emails which flooded their inbox and secondly, the witty correspondence. Imagine the pandemonium as 20 people try to add their 2-cents worth over email.

The group also went out for supper last night after bible study. Supper in Brisbane takes a different form because not many places are open after 2200hr. They ended up drinking bubble tea. Sitting around a small table, they spontaneously churned out topics to laugh and tease one another about. Been a super long time since my female owner had this type of brainless fun and laughter. Good for her.

ageing

With her 30th birthday just round the corner (up to you to picture how big that corner is), my female owner feels old and tired. She notices that her body and mind being less vibrant as before. Processing speed slows down. Memory becomes unreliable. Concepts float over her. Skin wrinkles. Body takes longer to recover. Fats pile on quicker than a Singaporean digging in at a buffet table – a lump of lard she calls herself.

Really, once she believed she would be forever young. She took it for granted that her body and mind would continue working as efficiently as how she had known them to function in her prime, her teenage years. Now reality hits home and ageing is the new game she has to play.

Could it be the effect of working in an aged care home? By the way, her charming resident passed away yesterday and my female owner is upset with the sudden turn of events. She was not mentally prepared for deaths.