miracle

My female owner just received notification that the results for her thesis would be released in 2-3 weeks’ time. That means that the only way she can graduate by this year is if she clears it at first review – a feat that is rare and almost impossible. The only person who achieved that was this student whose supervisor was the Clinical Director – the person who gives the stamp of approval on all theses.

My female owner has almost given up hope and while a miracle is still possible (after all, God is bigger than the clinical director), she has resolved within herself that life goes on. Interestingly enough, Mr S is still holding out for a miracle and has actually booked a flight back to his home country after her scheduled graduation, so that he can attend it should she graduate this year.

Whatever will be, will be.

usual

My female owner had another emo moment today as she grappled with her insecurities, self-doubts and fears about the usual things concerning her thesis (will she get it passed by Nov?), her future (to stay or not to stay), her finances (will she be able to get a casual job in Sept, and eventually a professional job?).

Strange but true, my female owner was just surfing her usual news websites when she suddenly found herself on seek.com looking at available jobs in Brisbane. She apparently clicked on some advertisement about furthering your studies in psychology and somehow landed there within a few more clicks. Is that a sign that she better buck up? Even stranger is that the private hospital where she is supposed to be running group therapy is looking for a psychologist (needs to be fully registered though).

She just did some financial check on her bank accounts and realised that her money is running out. Probably can last her for about 6-9 months. This increased her sense of urgency (and poverty) and fantasises of her taking a long road trip vanished quickly. In the first place, she don’t think she can find anyone to travel with and she doesn’t want to do it alone.

And Theseus is giving her problems, no thanks to her supervisor who keeps changing his mind and has been slacking for a few weeks. She ends up writing and revising but not really progressing ahead.

Emo.

graduation

My female owner attended her first convocation of her friends today. She had never been able to make it for previous ceremonies. It was a heart-warming experience, as she soaked up the celebrative and joyous occasion. Behind every happy graduand’s smile lies the untold stories of undying support and faithof much-treasured family and friends. The pride of these supporters shone radiantly on their faces as they pose for photos with the graduands.

the round bonnet - remember my female owner likes round things?

Finally, graduation becomes a reality for my female owner. Seeing her Therapist Fren don on her magnificent gown and cutesy (probably not the right word to use here, since its supposed to be grand and scholarly) bonnet was a good reminder for my female owner that she is getting there. Much closer to the finishing line than ever before. She just gotta keep going and soon, she can say that she has arrived.

what is a graduation without props?

perk

My female owner finally spent a good day with Theseus yesterday. After getting rid of her RA work and folio write-up, she could focus solely on Theseus. It was a slow process, but nonetheless significant, coz this probably going to be her new routine for the next two months. And she might as well start getting used to it now. There were a few perks in her otherwise cerebral day – being able to catch up with Onli Fren, having I-Fren pop over for an impromptu visit (and walk), talking to Fated Guy via email throughout the day, having her housemate cook dessert, practicing flute, having a super funnie FB pooing session with two gal-frens, not needing to cook (since she had leftovers and lifegroup at night). She had a jio to go to Bribie Island today, she struggled between wanting to go, and knowing its best not to go. And, she ended up not going. So, it’s a new day with Theseus for her today. Hopefully she gets some perks today (already there are plans for running at 4pm.. hmm.. dunno if that is a perk or a stressor).

just

Tomorrow, my female owner starts a “new lease of life”. She has no other mega commitments except “just thesis”. Telling people she has a “thesis to do” seems to trivialise the enormity of the task ahead.

“So it’s only a thesis for you”

“So just a thesis ah?”

“even though your thesis is big, at least you completed the rest of your coursework”

“you only need to work on your thesis?”

“so what do you have for the rest of the year? Thesis? Just that?”

Come on, it’s not “just”. The thesis is worth 16 credits, which makes 1/3 of her programme. 16 credits is like doing 8 average-sized modules. Her five placements were worth 12 credits altogether. About 40000-50000 words, that’s about eight to ten 5000-word essay.

Yah, just a thesis. Easier said than done.

winter

Winter started a few days ago.

My female owner had been a little blue recently but surprise surprise, she woke up with a cheer on the first day of winter. I think it helped that the weather looked promising – cool yet sunny, with clear skies and white clouds. So anyway, the end of autumn and the start of winter. Time to put her placement behind her (soon) and start exclusively on her thesis.

By the way, her supervisor told her that he is 90% confidant she will get her DCP, and this was based on one completed study and a first draft of the second paper. Supposed to be reassuring, but my female owner is still having doubts about her “dodgy thesis”, to the point where she said she wanted to write up three studies, even though her supervisor thought that two studies were sufficient. My female owner also started to ruminate about whether she can complete her thesis by 31 Aug, to which her supervisor said "you will".

Seriously... I reckon she has an anxiety problem.

bariatric

My female owner is in this mode of being: piaing work - the final lap of placement which involves doing up her folio. She has completed most part of it except the organisational project worth 200hrs of work. With little time left, it means doing intense literature review and write-up on bariatric surgery patients. Apparently the operation is for morbidly obese people to staple their stomachs so that they will eat less and lose excess weight. Hopefully she doesn’t try anything funny on Nanook or me.

With her regained focus on work, the unintended consequences are firstly, she has stopped exercising (so that she can conserve mental energy and not listen to her mind and body argue about whether to exercise) and secondly, she has starting on her junk food routine. That means…. potentially gaining weight (again).

It’s a cycle isn’t it? Sometimes she relishes jogging and is disciplined in her food intake, at other times, her healthy lifestyle just goes pear-shaped.

Oh yes, and she has reduced her social outings by choice, i.e. actually saying no to people, and not appearing too much on MSN. The few treats she retains – flute (she actually reported having withdrawal symptoms for not practicing for three days) and her nightly dose of Masterchef.

Theseus

And his name is Theseus.

The name of her thesis that is. My female owner has declared war, cold war, on Theseus since last week. She is still in the midst of regaining control.

In the same vein, she declared that she would be in an exclusive relationship with Theseus for the next three months. A “short but intense” relationship.

Hmmm… how confusing and inconsistent!

With no real deadline imposed by the school (usually in Oct actually), my female owner is finding hard to get her act together. She wants to complete the thesis as soon as possible. End Aug to be exact, so that there would be ample time for the markers to mark, for her to make changes etc and still be in time to graduate at the end of the year. This has important consequences on her other endeavours, which include national registration, application for permanent residence (she is NOT coming back to us???) and job application.

Oh well... Let me mope in my corner for a bit.

war

My female owner has declared war on Thesis - a cold war that is. Wednesday is usually her “free” day where she gets uninterrupted time (in theory) to work on her thesis. However, for today, she scheduled in a brekkie with Therapist Fren and a lunch with Fated Guy in uni. She had some vague intention to “do some work” in uni in the afternoon before going home. What really happened was:

Brekkie with Therapist Fren
Lunch with Fated Guy
Tea with Therapist Fren and other Asians
City Market with Therapist Fren
Grocery shopping at Sunnybank
Flute at home
Dinner at home

Told you she is winning the cold war!

compartmentalise

My female owner had a surprise visit from a friend today. He’s Second Onli Fren’s ex/not-ex boyfriend. Anyway, that’s besides the point. This friend is an avid angler and wanted to pass (heaps of) stingray to my female owner. His generosity extended to essential ingredients such as limes and onions. Yumz. I can predict sambal stingray to be coming out of her kitchen pretty soon.

Anyway, they had a short catch-up session and he asked the inevitable – “so what have you been up to?” And my female owner gave an unexciting account of her current state of being. And his response was “so your life now is work, placement and school?”

Such a neat summary of her unexciting, compartmentalised life.

intellectual

My female owner engaged fully in her catastrophising exercise today. This is how the story goes. She completed (again) the first study of her thesis (with the purpose of publication) and submitted it to her supervisor for comments. Her supervisor then forwarded the paper to another academic staff (a young but high-flying associate professor) to see if he wanted to be part of the authorship. This was possible because this high-flyer and her supervisor were co-sharers of the research grant.

And at last minute’s notice, my female owner found herself in a meeting with these two brainy people, one a clinical psychologist and the other a social psychologist. Experts in their own fields and right, each tried to assert his (valid) intellectual spin on the paper. My female owner got lost (and possible shot) in the cross-fire. You know, the saying “you don’t even know how you died”? Yah, that was how she felt. She couldn’t quite understand the essence of their bone of contention over choice of statistical analyses.

Bit by bit, she felt herself being more and more vulnerable. She felt that her bimbo-ness was going to be exposed sooner or later. Especially when high-flying professor said he wanted to meet her another time to go through the data more thoroughly. My female owner didn’t think she would be able to handle that level of intellectual scrutiny and debate. And of course, she has to rewrite the paper again.

Hence her catastrophising.

derail

My female owner is feeling blue over the state of her thesis. She is still circulating around the same data analysis she started on one year ago. She was so close to finishing one chapter of her thesis when her supervisor told her to redo the second part of the analysis. This yielded an entirely different trend of results, which also means that she did much writing up in vain too.

She says that doing stats is like a dull, numbing pain. Sometimes, she feels it as a stab to her heart. Literally, a sinking feeling as she sits in front of the computer wondering if she is doing the right thing, checking that her syntax is written correctly (checking all the dots and lines), and hoping that she gets some decent results.

She cries out for somebody to release her from the bondage of statistics. So ruminative, she says. My female owner tries to find some joy in her stats but is unable to see the light out of the tunnel. She is so ready to derail.

group therapy

After 4 weeks and 8 sessions, my female owner finally completed her maiden course of CBT for anxiety disorders. As an observer, that is. She was observing how her research supervisor ran a course of CBT and she says that in the process, she probably had some vicarious therapy done on her.

For starters, she finally could feel the “pain” of having to attend therapy consistently, twice a week for three hours each time. My female owner said that every time she woke up on those mornings, she struggled to get out of bed. The first thought would always be, “I want to call in sick” but her commitment to her supervisor always cried out louder in the end and she would somehow be able to get her grumpy body out of bed.

Some takeaways my female owner got from the course:

Be kind to yourself.
Be willing to pay the minimal cost – e.g. tolerate some level of anxiety.
Take credit for any improvement – don’t say the environment got better.
It is not the situation you are afraid of, it is the consequences of the situation.

vicarious therapy indeed.

deadlines

My female owner is swarmed with deadlines, deadlines that she wants to meet in order to graduate on time, get registered as a psychologist and apply for PR. Hence, this is her rough time-line (subject to changes)

April/ May:
Apply for full registration (if she qualifies)
Check out new registration guidelines for nation-wide registration procedures

June:
Complete final placement
Check out new immigration guidelines and respond accordingly

Aug/Sept:
Submit thesis
Sit for English proficiency test

Oct:
Job hunt

Nov:
Officially complete studies (when marked thesis is returned)
Health check for PR application
Submit application for PR

Dec:
Graduation ceremony

complete

My female owner had her first “working week” in a long time (since her last job). As per previously announced schedule. Quite quickly, she felt her energy level depleting towards the end of the day and all those effects associated with working. My female owner described it as a familiar old feeling. Back to that part of her life where weeks flew by her because of work routine and her happiest times/ memories were drawn from her night activities and weekend appointments.

Yet, my female owner knows that this is the last opportunity for her to develop her craft as a student and she doesn’t want to complete her responsibilities just to “get it over and done with”. The process is as important for her as the outcome. 4 Jun, she says. When she will complete her final placement.

schedule

After two weeks of ding-donging (a fave civil service term), my female owner finally sorted out her schedule for the first half of the year. It’s probably going to look something like this:

Monday: Full-day placement
Tuesday: Morning – work; afternoon – research meeting
Wednesday: Free day – for paperwork, thesis writing, reading etc
Thursday: Morning – work; afternoon – flute lesson
Friday: Full-day placement

Weekends!

My female owner was also toying with the idea of doing tutoring on Wednesdays, for extra money. She hasn’t quite decided if she want to push her limits, coz technically, she has to set aside time to write her thesis and do up a big organisational project (that amounts to 200hrs or 25 days or 1.5 day/ week till the end of her 17-week placement), along with her fixed commitments.

Hmmm…. Methinks she will be stretching herself too thinly (as usual). But my female owner’s argument is that she probably won’t be needing to work every week, so she might not be as taxed as it looks.

Anyway, my female owner, in her rare moment of inspiration and passion, did up a timeline for her thesis and aims to submit the completed work by early to mid September. One month ahead of the deadline that most people would seek an extension for anyway. She says that she needs to make sure that she can graduate by December…. And get her doctorate while she is still in her 20s. Haha..

whim

My female owner’s latest whim: she wants to postpone her return to Brisbane, given that she wasted about two weeks in distress over the decision.

There are a few factors to consider in extending her stay and I think she is going to sort them out fairly quickly. After all, her days in Singapore are numbered. If she doesn’t sort them out fast, she can’t make changes to her flight.

Sometimes, I think she is operating younger than what’s expected of her biological age. She used to say that it is a miracle that she has lived until this age, given her blurness and poor planning. I can’t help but agree at times.

debt-free?

My female owner once took further maths at junior college and mathematics at undergraduate level. And also considered taking up accountancy. Once. Now, her maths is really bad and her accounting/ budgeting skills leaves one to wonder if she was really once a maths guru.

Anyway, no thanks to a super “gao” coffee she had at 2300 (my female owner says it is the equivalent of drinking 70% cocoa dark chocolate), my female owner is still up at such an unearthly hour. This also means that most of us turtles would be threading the boundary between slumber and wakefulness since the Balcony will be blasted with light from the living room.

My female owner decided to do some accounting of the expenses incurred for her postgrad studies. She did a very rough calculation based on her mother’s declaration that she had spent S$113k so far. Subtracting the amount my female owner currently has in her Aussie bank (converted back to Sing dollars at a much more favourable rate – my female owner assumed that she won’t need this money if she takes up the offer) and the sponsorship amount offered, my female owner realised that actually, she probably spent about S$15k of her mother’s money after all.

And she started calculating how long she might need to repay S$15k… (with a sinking feeling, she worked it out to be 6 years) and suddenly remembered that she actually did pump in more than S$20k of her own savings for her postgrad studies. Which means… tada! She doesn’t owe her mother anything if she takes up the offer!

But then, some things just didn’t seem to add up, no thanks to her non-existent book-keeping efforts. For one, after taking away course fees, she ended off 2009 with more money than she started. Even though she supported herself with part-time jobs, my female owner thought that correspondingly, she spent a lot more, especially for the short trips she made around Australia. Perplexing.

My female owner reckons she needs to do more detailed calculations to ascertain how much of her mother’s money she actually used. How cool would it be, to end off her postgrad studies debt-free. Such a different scenario from when she first started out in Brisbane, thinking that she would need S$150k from her mother to cover expenses.

coursework

My female owner finally completed her couple therapy assignment. Two days ahead of schedule in fact, and with that, she completes the coursework component of her programme. Congratulations female owner! So proud of you.

It is only at milestones like this, that one takes a moment to ponder about the journey that transpired thus far. The ups and downs of the road less travelled, the different seasons weathered, sometimes unexpected lonely segments where no one knew the pain and agony that she was struggling through, at other times, tranquil stretches where she could reduce her pace of work and savour the beauty of the journey. The process, as my female owner always say, is as important as the outcome.

Suffice to say, my female owner came out of coursework stronger, more insightful, sensitive and knowledgeable. This journey is still not over yet. There are so many things awaiting her to explore, learn and develop. I’m sure she will make the best out of it.

essays

Well… today marks another mini milestone. My female owner completed all her extra-curricular activities such as marking and research work. All she has on her plate now are two essays. One is due next Monday and she is almost done. In fact, she has reached that neurotic stage of wondering, how good is good enough? What else should be changed?

The other essay is due next Friday, and she intends to continue working on it next week (maybe 30% done?). A fairly straight-forward essay that requires little research but more application of knowledge (i.e. come up with treatment plans and intervention strategies). She is quite reluctant to put the final full-stop on these essays, coz these two essays actually mark the last of her coursework. After next Friday, she would have completed the coursework component of her programme. Time flies!

Believe it or not. After completing her marking just now, she felt lost. The “what’s next?” feeling. Huh? Just essay? And so, she started procrastinating and spent more than an hour talking to Onli Fren. Was a good chat nonetheless.

And yes, time to start on the essay now. Stop avoiding it!