winter

Winter started a few days ago.

My female owner had been a little blue recently but surprise surprise, she woke up with a cheer on the first day of winter. I think it helped that the weather looked promising – cool yet sunny, with clear skies and white clouds. So anyway, the end of autumn and the start of winter. Time to put her placement behind her (soon) and start exclusively on her thesis.

By the way, her supervisor told her that he is 90% confidant she will get her DCP, and this was based on one completed study and a first draft of the second paper. Supposed to be reassuring, but my female owner is still having doubts about her “dodgy thesis”, to the point where she said she wanted to write up three studies, even though her supervisor thought that two studies were sufficient. My female owner also started to ruminate about whether she can complete her thesis by 31 Aug, to which her supervisor said "you will".

Seriously... I reckon she has an anxiety problem.

mse

My female owner had another fulfilling day at placement yesterday. The Singaporean working ethics was unleashed in her, as she worked tirelessly from 0800 to 1830hr. Her official hours are 0830 to 1730hr. She was so busy, she didn’t even have time to read her work emails and lunch was just a 15min refill, just to keep her stomach from growling. Engaging in meaningful work kept her adrenalin going and she would have gone on, if not for the fact that she had a dinner appointment to rush to.

She also had her first supervision session where her supervisor and her went over a needle-phobia case. Although my female owner had heard mixed things about her supervisor (which made her a little apprehensive), my female owner said that it was one of the most educational sessions she ever had with any supervisor. Even running through MSE (or mental state examination) – something that is often overlooked by clinicians – was a novel experience. No one ever taught her the nuances/ art of doing an MSE, not even during her coursework.

Sounds like she is enjoying herself pretty much.

review

My female owner enjoyed her second placement at the private school tremendously. She had her end-placement review last week and her clinical supervisor played the role of a mirror, helping her to reflect objectively and accurately, her qualities as a therapist.

For a long time, my female owner had looked at the qualities she appreciated in her numerous helping friends and wished she had those qualities as well. She realised now that she had those strengths she yearned for and it was more of a matter of being confident in her abilities. Some aspects of therapy came naturally for my female owner that she had dismissed it as things that anyone could do. Her supervisor ended up saying that she hopes that my female owner would begin to realise what she knows. Even something which my female owner felt was a weakness, her tendency to self-reflect, her supervisor wrote it down as one of her unique strengths and something to keep doing, as part of her professional development.

Sometimes, it felt for my female owner, as if she was going though therapy herself. Those weekly sessions of CBT, changing her perfectionist thinking (which her supervisor said it was stronger than other students she had met) and addressing her low sense of self-competency. At the end of “therapy”, my female owner was able to let go of some of her unrelenting high standards (as Young would put it) and make them more adaptable for herself. In fact, her supervisor was glad that my female owner was taking time to explore Queensland and not be too stuck with work. Obviously she also grew in her sense of competency as a therapist.

PhD

“I know something which you probably don’t want to do”

So said my female owner’s thesis supervisor. Besides being surprised by his statement, my female owner can’t help being amused by the way he framed his words. Indonesian Chinese man.

Using a pencil and paper to illustrate what he was going to say next, he wrote “DCP”, crossed it out, and wrote “PhD”.

“I’m wondering if you would consider changing your DCP to PhD”

He’s right. This is something which my female owner would probably not do, not that she has even considered it. Nonetheless, they spent the next 5 minutes exploring the feasibility of this option (graduate with a Masters and go on to a PhD? With a PhD taking just 1-2 more year?). In a way, my female owner was touched that her supervisor was thinking ahead for her. She had told him before that she would like to teach in a tertiary institution and with his depth of experience, he felt that the best way would be through a PhD and not a DCP.

“But only if you want to teach full-time teach at NUS”

just

My female owner had a bad-der day compared to yesterday. It was not as if anything bad really happened. She was just plain moody and emo over little things. Objectively, things went well for her:

• She completed some statistical analyses for her supervisor and sent it over to him for comments.
• She started on the journal publication that he wanted her to write and realised that it was not as tough as she thought it would be.
• She completed a large chunk of research admin work, something which she procrastinated for three weeks or so.
• Her placement was more or less confirmed.
• She managed to have a super light dinner (think diet plan) despite feeling emo.
• She managed to psyche herself to go for a quick run despite feeling hungry (c.f. consequence of the light dinner).
• She caught up with a fellow coursemate.
• Her friend called to check on her even though she said she was ok and didn’t need to talk.
• Her Singaporean friend shared some news with her which made her feel happy for her friend (vicarious happiness).

Yet, my female owner was moody and she amplified the odds and ends that happened today:

• She completed the statistical analyses but one imperfection in the results might mean that she had to redo the entire thing.
• Writing up certain parts of the article was easy for now but that was because she hadn’t started on the Introduction and Discussion sections.
• Her placement, though confirmed, was not what she wanted. Seems as if she has to conduct a lot of group therapy (think training!) with older adults (think weird accent for the clients!). And the supervisor is a neuropsychologist (?!!). My female owner had a crappy clinical supervisor the last time round. Recently, he avoided replying to her emails requesting for telephone supervision for an outstanding client. My female owner was and still is peeved at his lack of professionalism and ethics. She certainly hopes that this new supervisor will be better.
• To cope with the absence of externship, my female owner wanted to start on her first assignment over the weekend (she has no intention of going to school tomorrow) and decided to go to the library before it closed at 2200hr. Unfortunately, the library had a new closing time – 2000hr. Ah, another potentially unproductive weekend, unless she makes a special trip down to school…

It was just one reason after another to feel emo. My female owner whines a lot when she is distressed and sometimes ends up laughing at her childishness. My female owner also feels bad for feeling so emo, coz she knows that there are greater issues in life to grapple, and not whether you get a good placement/ supervisor.

Oh well.. justified or not, like what her Therapist Fren said, with a day like today, tomorrow can only be better!

high

My female owner is having a packed week. She went to NUS twice this week to meet her supervisor and did some freelance work at another place which ate up a good part of her Wednesday.

In-between her work obligations (which included doing up lecture slides and sieving through SPSS data), my female owner also managed to catch up with some friends e.g. her Impromptu Frens in different combinations, a former colleague, a Brisbane Fren, a long-time friend from secondary school.

My female owner is one to feel anxious if she does nothing for more than a day. So even though this week had been hectic and a little sleep-deprived as she juggled work and play, my female owner felt more accomplished as compared to last week. Last minute work is her drug, it just gives her the adrenaline rush and gets her high.

I think she is mad.

blonde

My female owner is very peeved with her second supervisor. So peeved, she is seething with anger inside her, but with the picture of calm on the outside.

Given that he is one of her first contact with a male Aussie blonde, my female owner has almost sworn off Aussie guys.

All guys are bad. ALL. GUYS. ARE. BAD.

Includes everyone, of the male species, still true in the present, not an historical fact, that they are NOT good.

Okay, I think she is catastrophising and really mad.

bar of soap

My female owner felt that she had the best research supervision session today, ever since she started meeting up with her research supervisor (RS). Three times in all, if my maths don’t fail me.

Happy to say, he scaled down her project even more. She originally had to conduct two studies, one with questionnaires and one with an intervention. Today, he said that she can do without the second study (which is much harder to complete). By playing around with the various data she will be collecting from the first study, he showed her how she could expand her study into three studies. Amazing! Without doing more work! Grinning, he told her that the good way to say it is “manipulating the variables”, and the bad way to say it is.. (are you ready?) “mind masturbation”, where you just keep thinking about how to relate all the variables. Wahaha. My female owner couldn’t stop laughing at his “bad” term.

RS went on to share with my female owner many things about being a postgraduate and working in a university.

Among many of the things, he told her to have more confidence in herself (“you are good, so show it”). That she is already a postgraduate student, so she needs to think and behave like one (e.g. be an independent worker). He also said that she should not be afraid to show her intelligence (which he reckons its because of her being an Asian, and a female and having worked in other settings) or else the university cannot distinguish her “from a bar of soap” (?!).

For the third time, he offered her a job as his research assistant and my female owner finally accepted the offer, with details to be confirmed. And he asked her for her previous assignment (which she submitted to him last semester) so that he could use it for his upcoming teaching trip to Beijing. He also spoke about looking for opportunities to publish her work (not that she has done any!).

My female owner realised that RS is a strategist (he taught her how to present her research proposal to “shut them up”). She’s convinced that she would certainly benefit from his supervision and under his guidance and mentorship, develop her clinical maturity.

Thinking about what he said and what he did during the session, my female owner realised that RS is probably the first person in authority who showed so openly that he believed in her and her abilities, without her having really proven herself (e.g. through his class in the previous semester, her grades (of which he contributed a good one) and her research write-ups) Is that what Carl Rogers meant when he said “unconditional positive regard”?