annoyed

Ok. My female owner is getting annoyed with me. She says that aging is not an excuse for not writing. Neither is the stormy weather. Oh well. So I decided I better pull up my (invisible) socks and start updating my TurtlePad. How else can people get richer updates about my female owner? There’s only so much Whatsapp can do.

But come to think of it, there’s really nothing much to update about my female owner. She’s still in the waiting stage of her life – waiting to go home, waiting for thesis report to be released, waiting to start moving in her professional life. Waiting for her prince charming to appear. She conceded that she would rather go through life with someone than to remain single all her life. She realised that at the end of the day, she feels more secure with a (intelligent) partner who can complement her with her blind spots and other stuff.

My female owner thinks that the following statement might apply to her: “God takes a long time to do things suddenly”. She senses that this is the preparation stage where she is being positioned for greater things to come. Her outwardly stagnant life is actually gaining momentum inwardly. Her mind is being renewed, her spirit refreshed and she is ready to go, when the floodgates open.

pours

My female owner says that she had a long week that ended only today. It was just a series of (un)fortunate events that built up all at once, the concept of it never rains but pours. First, she started part-time work and worked for 3.5 days. Then, she had to house-sit for the TV man, Stove man and electrician to come and check out the ailing house she is currently renting. She also had to juggle her English test (and the lack of preparation), helping a friend with his English, providing a listening ear to his gf woes, two evenings of jogging (one more time than usual). Peeking into her schedule, I realised that she had company at her house every evening till night. So come Friday night (night before her English test), she was glad that she was home alone (although she ended up talking to different friends on msn). She almost agreed to go out for supper with a friend but decided against it coz of the test.

So today, she was relieved when she completed her English test and was happy that she found a friend to chillax with – just nibbling on random food and watching the newly restored TV. Totally brainless, she says, but pure bliss.

hunt

Okay, it’s like officially the third day of “nothing to do”. My female owner was already bored to tears yesterday. Luckily it was Terrific Tuesday yesterday, so she was able to rent cheap DVDs at $1 each (with some spillover effects today). She has a backlog of movies to catch up on.



Really being idle is not her style, but yet also her style. How shall I put it? My female owner struggles to cope with having nothing purposeful to do, but yet there are some things waiting for her to attend to – like writing manuscripts, checking up on PR/ registration matter, practicing her instruments etc. I guess she just needs to have some kind of deadline or event to look forward to, or she will end up feeling lost and meaningless.

On the job-hunt side, my female owner has sent in 11 applications for temporary administration positions. She has received three rejections and non-responses from the rest. She reckons that she is not selling herself right. She knows that she is “overqualified” but has already customised her resume to highlight her relevant administration skills.

She is also trying to hookwink herself into a temporary locum position at a local hospital. Not sure if things will work out because she has not graduated yet. Worse comes to worst, she will just count down to her mother’s coming on 4 Dec. But that is like 2 months away! What a waste of time not to be doing anything constructive.

concrete

It’s a new month, and new challenges beckon for my female owner. For one, she started losing her voice and is now, officially a frog. No thanks to her inability to take precautionary measures and innate tendency to test her limits – think going out, consuming chilli and other heaty foods, talking in crowded places… and alcohol! She is a little upset at having to cancel her Byron Bay plans at last minute.

Also, she has little concrete plans about what to do, moving forward in her life. I mean, she has formulated in her head, an “ideal” plan but whether it works out in real life depends a lot on opportunities, favour (or connections?) and divine intervention.

There are some things waiting for her to do, most definitely. These include tidying up her room, sorting out her photos, doing up journal articles for publication etc, the last of which is the most annoying of course. Looks like there is no better time to do this than now. All she has to do is probably to stop procrastinating and get herself moving.

Over the past two days, the most significant thing she has done was to apply for temporary administration positions. She has not heard from any employers yet and in the midst of her anxiety, has to remind herself that she has barely started and needs to be more patient.

oxymoron

I suppose its time to update this Turtle Pad. I have no excuses for my long absence, except that I have been very lazy and in a hibernation mode. I guess the Aussie laid-back lifestyle has finally hit me.

As you all know, my female owner has submitted her thesis and over the past two weeks, she had indulged in several things. The big one would be that she went off for a holiday to Adelaide, Sydney and Canberra. Despite her incessant comments about her not having enough friends, she still managed to pull together this 9-day post-thesis tour. And it could have been a few days longer, had she known earlier that another pair of friends were going to be in Sydney at the same time as she was. Anyway, she also did a 3-day escapade to Coffs Harbour, which is 6hr drive from her place, and in New South Wales. In the upcoming days, she has tentative plans for Byron Bay, Whitsundays and maybe a lone road trip to Northern Queensland.

Even though she looked like she had heaps of getaways and fun with friends, my female owner actually struggled to relax initially. Sounds like an oxymoron actually. Struggling to relax? Anyway, her anxiety acted up and she felt an internal pressure to quickly get on with life, job applications, registrations and the like. Everyone around her, literally everyone she spoke to told her that it was time for her to relax coz she had worked so hard over the past few months. However, my female owner felt that she did not actually work very hard and hence, did not deserve to relax. It got to a point where Mr S remarked that there was something wrong with my female owner.

In the midst of all the conflicts within her (i.e. authentic relaxing vs finding work), my female owner actually managed to do clock a few RA hours (she still has about 120 outstanding hours to fulfil) and update her resume. My female owner is trying to apply the principles of mindfulness, where she soaks up the present, relish in the experience and not fret about the future or ruminate about the past. Getting the hang of it, she says.

spring

Today my female owner celebrates the first day of spring. She woke up in a super happy mood coz God really surprised her. (She had been praying recently, asking God to surprise her). For one, she finally booked a ticket back to Singapore at the end of the year (yay!). And then, she found out that her friend is also in the same flight as her. Double yay! And more importantly, her housemate told her last night that she didn’t need to move out of the house at the end of the year, because the mother decided to continue renting the house to her. YAY!!!! Such an unexpected turn of events.

And it’s spring today and somehow, it makes things better, psychologically for my female owner. Like a new beginning for her, as she embarks (prematurely coz her thesis is not yet submitted) on an ambivalence phase of life. She is looking forward to more surprises from God. She knows He has more in store for her.

obsessing

Technically, my female owner was supposed to submit her thesis yesterday. But yet again, another man has failed her and she is still waiting for him to revert with the drafts she sent over the weekend. Fed up, she decided to start partying anyway and didn’t care two hoots about the broken state of her thesis. For the past two days, she had been obsessing with planning for short travels around Australia. She also toyed with the idea of returning to Singapore and doing a short travel with Potahto. So many options, so little cash. The only thing she confirmed was a getaway to Adelaide with Therapist Fren, and possibly Canberra/ Sydney with Stats Guru… Oh yes, Whitsundays with Emo Sponge. At press time, she is still obsessing with flight plans.

surge

My female owner had this sudden surge to just pack up and go home next week. I think she has reached a point where she does not want to think about what to do anymore. Singapore, she says, is the easiest and most straight-forward option. Go home, and find a job. Rejoin the rat-race as a spectator.

She was sharing with one of her friends about her fleeting thoughts today and he wisely said to her to stay for the right reasons or to go home for the right reasons. Ah, an act of impulse doesn’t seem like the right reason eh.

Maybe she needs a personal retreat for this. You know how they say, never make a major decision when you are not feeling right. Thesus has taken a lot out of her and she probably needs to replenish herself before moving forward.

escapism

The latest (but boring) update is that my female owner has finished the first chapter of her thesis. i.e. her supervisor’s last comment on her draft was “congratulations, you done a good job”. The empirical chapters are still on his end, so she can’t really move forward.

The latest (less boring) update is that my female owner feels very sianz about staying on in Australia. Surprise surprise! Besides the usual apprehensions about whether she can find a good paying job, getting her PR application and registration sorted out, money issues, car licence etc, the latest thing on her mind is that high likelihood that she has to move out of her current house by the end of the year, coz her landlord wants to rent out the whole house. Another big uncertainty coz it is hard to decided where to stay if you don’t have a job. My female owner’s usual catastrophising mechanism kicked in and her first response was to return back to Singapore. Oh well… escapism in its full glory.

Anyway, she decided that she can think about that later. Right now, its really just Theseus and her, working (hand in hand) to complete each other’s misery.

usual

My female owner had another emo moment today as she grappled with her insecurities, self-doubts and fears about the usual things concerning her thesis (will she get it passed by Nov?), her future (to stay or not to stay), her finances (will she be able to get a casual job in Sept, and eventually a professional job?).

Strange but true, my female owner was just surfing her usual news websites when she suddenly found herself on seek.com looking at available jobs in Brisbane. She apparently clicked on some advertisement about furthering your studies in psychology and somehow landed there within a few more clicks. Is that a sign that she better buck up? Even stranger is that the private hospital where she is supposed to be running group therapy is looking for a psychologist (needs to be fully registered though).

She just did some financial check on her bank accounts and realised that her money is running out. Probably can last her for about 6-9 months. This increased her sense of urgency (and poverty) and fantasises of her taking a long road trip vanished quickly. In the first place, she don’t think she can find anyone to travel with and she doesn’t want to do it alone.

And Theseus is giving her problems, no thanks to her supervisor who keeps changing his mind and has been slacking for a few weeks. She ends up writing and revising but not really progressing ahead.

Emo.

balance

My female owner had been striking a reasonable balance between Theseus and personal time-out over the week (in her opinion – considering that she completed a paper and watched two movies, all episodes of Masterchef, had dinner with Mr S three times, coffee twice, jogging once, shopping once, lunch with uni friends once). As usual, she felt that she could have done more, but nonetheless, a good start for a cerebrally intense July. Unlike last weekend, she declared this weekend as Getaway WITH Theseus. She intends to work really hard (and efficiently) on her General Introduction and aims to write about 10000 words (how many blog entries is that?). Already, she had made progress in the right direction by firstly, coming up with the skeletal framework of the introduction (and discussion) and secondly, transferring all her existing references to Endnotes (whatever that is, too high-level for a domestic turtle to interpret). Now all she has to do is to keep writing, reading and thinking. Her goal for today is 1500 words and she has 491 words already. Sounds like progress.

happen

So the flavour of the month is “believe in yourself”

My female owner’s research supervisor told her that today, that he wants to increase her sense of self-efficacy and reminded her not to be overly critical as she starts to run therapy with him. Seems like he is more forgiving and trusting of her abilities than herself!

Her clinical supervisor who heaped lots of praise onto her during their final externship review, saying that she had to increase her self-confidence. This mirrored her previous clinical supervisor’s words too, who told her to trust what she knows and to recognise her strengths.

Then, I-Fren, with whom she started a very random conversation today coz her friend just named her new baby withhehe same name. His messages over the past two years had been consistent, persevering and instinctive. My female owner had, with the same vigour, consistently, persistently and instinctively pushed him away psychologically. I think he decided to just “wait and see”.

Special Fren did his counselling spin on my female owner too. More sporadic than I-Fren but still nicely timed (they seemed to take turns actually). Until finally, he kinda indicated that he had done all he could, the rest is up to my female owner. He also pointed out the contradiction that my female owner needed a lot of affirmation but at the same time, rejected them all.

And Fated Guy who actually only entered her life two months ago but seemed to hit the nail on the head quickly with her issues. Passed her a movie which removed the scales from her eyes.

Topping it off, Therapist Fren who had the misfortune of putting up with her endless whines and self-doubting statements, and providing those assurances that soothed her anxiety (or maybe just reduce the intensity).

It’s time for my female owner to believe in herself, to take an active part in her life and make things happen. No longer saying, “let’s see what happens and I will deal with it when it comes” but “this is what I want, because I know I can achieve it and I deserve to have it, and I am going to make it happen”

*breathe*

Takes a lot of energy to type that out! Hopefully, she starts to live a more convicted and intentional life, to learn to ride the currents but not just float along. Time to move on!

living

My female owner always enjoyed talking to friends who are in the helping profession. Recently, she had been talking to Fated Guy and enjoys the fact that their conversations can range from random day-to-day events to quiet reflective existential questions about life.

Mental health-trained, he understands her professional issues and struggles fairly quickly and through his responses, broaden her perspective and understanding of her situation. Today, he shared with her how she could build confidence in her clinical skills (coz she said that her supervisors had told her that she had good clinical skills but she could not bring herself to believe them).

At times, he would ask her deep reflective questions that makes her stop and ponder and search deeper with herself. Today, he asked her “what is your dream?”, “what inspires you?”

My female owner struggled with those questions. The truth is, she is too afraid to dream. Then he asked “so you mean you had a dream, but you stopped dreaming? Or you are suppressing it?” She never realised it, but yes, she probably had a lost dream. Lost in the day-to-day struggles of life, lost in her own insecurities and ruminations, lost because she was blinded by the now.

Thinking a bit more, my female owner realised that she is actually living her overseas postgrad dream in the now. The tediousness of writing up a thesis had taken a toll on her, to the point that she had forgotten that this, the thesis writing, is part of her dream.

Becoz of this revelation, my female owner decided that she will start to enjoy living her dream more.

compartmentalise

My female owner had a surprise visit from a friend today. He’s Second Onli Fren’s ex/not-ex boyfriend. Anyway, that’s besides the point. This friend is an avid angler and wanted to pass (heaps of) stingray to my female owner. His generosity extended to essential ingredients such as limes and onions. Yumz. I can predict sambal stingray to be coming out of her kitchen pretty soon.

Anyway, they had a short catch-up session and he asked the inevitable – “so what have you been up to?” And my female owner gave an unexciting account of her current state of being. And his response was “so your life now is work, placement and school?”

Such a neat summary of her unexciting, compartmentalised life.

respite

My female owner finally had time to slow down and be by herself. And not be too heavily stressed by her thesis (it’s called avoidance, but at least now she has the chance to avoid). The previous week had been another social week. A new Housemate moved in and that meant having to adjust to a new person in the house. New routine, new habits, less space. With three gals in the house, it somehow became easier for people to come over for casual dinners and fellowship. The last I checked her diary, she either had friends over every night of the week/ home-cooked dinners/ DVDs/ went out for dinners and such.

So many social events. She started to wonder how much is too much. The house was a constant buzz of activities. She really liked the people who were coming over for fellowship so that was ok (unlike the first house she stayed, where she didn’t know more than half of the people who streamed in on an almost daily basis).

It’s just that her quiet self suffered (in silence, no less). Passive and shy, it didn’t have the opportunity to connect with her other selves. The social self that makes people think she is fun to be with. That professional self as she interacts with patients and supervisors. That intellectual self that kept the rest of her selves awake at night as she ploughed on to develop a decent looking thesis.

I think my female owner needs respite from social interactions. E-communication is fine. Just not face-to-face.

intense

My female owner had an intense week. For this week:

Monday – full day at placement, with little break, resulting in an early night
Tuesday – trod off to uni to meet her supervisor, help him with random stuff and the rest of the day is spent recovering from the intense meeting or damage control, prayer meeting at night
Wednesday – stay at home day, running statistics till night (coz of personal inefficiency, not that there were heaps to do)
Thursday – ½ day placement (extra, to clock more hours), flute, dinner and movie
Friday – full day placement, bible study at night

She ended up sleep-deprived, a little burn-out and just plain grumpy by the end of Friday. She ended up sleeping earlier to recuperate from the strain and woke up refreshed on Saturday.

My female owner says that this Saturday had been one of the best Saturdays for a long time. She did a bit of work in the morning and went out for the rest of the day. First to dinner with an intimate group of friends, followed by a dodgy movie (Alice in Wonderland). After that, a good-size group of friends went to Mount Cootha to see the city lights and to star-gaze. Mount Cootha holds happy memories for my female owner, coz of the friends she went up with in the past. The night continued with an adjournment to a house for supper and more meaningful interaction (where everyone actually gets to talk to everyone).

A good way of releasing tension, relaxing and cooling off from the challenges of the week, says my female owner.

reality

When my female owner quitted her job two years ago to pursue her post-graduate overseas education dream, she knew that she was paying a high price for this decision. By deviating from the norm and possibly regressing into studenthood, she would inevitably be “left behind” in many aspects of adulthood – career, family, finances.

So you might remember that my female owner took a long time to adjust to this detour in life. Eventually, she got used to life as it is, not as it was, or could have been. And she floated along, in bliss, happy to be where she is.

Until come this year, when reality is starting to hit home, that she is really going to graduate and rejoin “adulthood” that she is feeling “oh shit”. No use denying her current state of being. The disparity that was created between her peers and her when she left the cushy life is now even greater and the contrast more stark. Even within her bible study group, people are building futures for themselves through financial investments, property purchases and career advancements.

She has nothing but a doctorate to her name. People try to encourage her that with her qualifications, she can quickly build up something for herself. She knows the reality better than them. She knows where she is, what she has and what lies before her as a new graduate. Hence, it is cold comfort, in fact, she might even consider them as words spoken with good intentions but out of ignorance. The feeling of having to start from scratch again. Of maybe having to make do with small goals or not being able to plan for greater things, given her practical constraints. Sometimes, she gets a little sad thinking about it. But this is the path she has chosen for herself and she will stick by her decision. While the feeling sucks, my female owner says she would still choose to pursue post-grad, but perhaps, with better forward planning, using a different route.

godmother

My female owner was moping around the house yesterday evening. Her friends had gone out for KTV but she had chosen to stay home (after her short short run – not even 20mins she says) to deal with her never-ending stats. Her housemate was also moping around because of her assignment.

Even though she arranged with Emo Sponge to pop over after KTV to cheer them up, my female owner eventually cancelled the jio coz she decided that she wanted to sleep. However, my female owner ended up watching Korean DVDs (yes, the same series she was watching last weekend) and then surprise surprise, one of her long-time friends started an MSN chat with her (just a side-note, ever since my female owner got iBliss, she feels as if MSN is passé).

The conversation was worth it, she says, to have skipped a social appointment.

Firstly, she found out that she is going to be a godmother soon! Yes, her friend is expecting a baby and what an honour to be the first to know about this (besides family). Her friend and her hubby had agreed a few years ago that my female owner would be the godmother to their first child and they are honouring their promise.

Hmm.. i wonder what kind of godmother she will be. If looking after us is anything to judge her by, my female owner is likely to be largely absent and laissez-faire, giving the child lotsa freedom to explore his world. Ah, but if he falls ill or get into trouble, would drop everything to take care of him.

Secondly, her friend, despite not being a Christian, actually encouraged my female owner with Christian truths. Being caught up with her current situation, my female owner had lost the bigger picture of the current season of her life and through her friend, she was reminded of how God brought her to Brisbane, took care of her and in the process, transformed her life. The transformation must have been so obvious, coz her friend noted that she is much happier now. Ah, such heartwarming feedback, given at a low point of her life, just cheered her up.

Today she woke up, determined not to let her circumstances get her down. After all, doctorate stress is transient (and to be expected, really) and the process of going through the situation is character-moulding.

stress

My female owner described her weekend as stressful and sleep-deprived. Friday ended as per normal – she went for bible study and got home early. Since she felt that she worked hard all week, she treated herself to unlimited Korean DVD, until she fell asleep at 0100hr or sth like that. She woke up at 0800hr coz her housemate was having a brekkie party with some people and she promised to help to cook. Well, my female owner didn’t really do much but she couldn’t sleep after waking up anyway.

She hitched a ride from a friend to the shopping centre to sign up for a mobile plan. While all logic and rationale thinking supported her intention to get a one-year plan at $29, my female owner ended up on an impulse buy of an iphone with a two-year plan. It was impulse because it was only in that shop did she realise that she could get onto a two-year plan even though her visa is valid for only one year.

That purchase threw her off track for the rest of the weekend. She found it extremely stressful switching phones (the last time was in late 2007) and had to spend some time making the new phone usable at least. Then her laptop probably got jealous of the attention of new kid on the block that it went bonkers on her stats programme, causing her to scream “just shoot me”. At 1700hr, she dutifully went jogging with a few friends. The leader was merciful and they did a fast but short round around his house. (Phew!)

Dinner was meant to be a cosy group of friends but people started pulling people and the group exploded (to 15 pple?) with very random people (here’s more stress). Ended up with differences in opinions about where to eat and where to have drinks. Didn’t help that food was bad. My female owner kept emphasising to her friends that it’s the company that matters. That might have calmed some nerves.

Thankfully, a small cosy group later (literally later) adjourned to someone’s house for slow drinking and chit chat. At least the night ended better than it started. My female owner ended up sleeping at about 0300hr coz she was “counselling” someone over iphone (?!).

Come Sunday, my female owner was woken up by messages to her new phone (think: not enough sleep). She also couldn’t sleep in coz she needed to do work/ flute etc before church. Because she couldn’t bear the thought of an extra big group of people going for dinner, she ended up not going for dinner with her friends (again).

Flat out, she says. The most stressful weekend for her. She ain’t sure why but she reckons its her conscience at the back of her mind, reminding her that she had done nothing for the weekend, plus poor sleep.

seasons

Heavy rains ushered in the start of autumn. My female owner says it is not a nice feeling at times, especially if you gotta walk 15mins in the rain to get home from the bus-stop. Anyway, my female owner reckons that she will live by the seasons for a good part of the year. This is what she means:

Autumn (mar till may): Ride out the final placement and get herself out without any drama.
Winter (jun to aug): Work exclusively on thesis. Aim to submit 31 Aug. (squeeze in a getaway?)
Spring (sep to nov): Season of new beginning, get paperwork done for PR and job-search.

Sounds like a plan?