teary

My female owner had a teary week. It started on Tuesday with the bombshells her supervisor dropped on her. She ploughed along on Wednesday, heavy hearted. Had a brief chat with Mr S who asked if she was ok. Thursday came, and she was still ambivalent and distressed over the happenings on Tuesday. However, she kept working on her thesis. Grateful for Mr S who sent her emails reminding her of what she had to do (coz he knew she would forget) and encouraging her to be more proactive in getting her supervisor to play his part. Emo Sponge came over at night. Had a brief face-to-face chat with him and my female owner almost teared again, talking about her problems. Friday. Emo Sponge had been faithfully whatsapping her to cheer her on and support her efforts in taking care of Sayang. When my female owner remarked that she feels as if she is having post-natal depression, he promised that he (being the god dad) and the father of Sayang (a friend who self-confessed to be her father) would be supporting her emotionally, financially, spiritually and physically. Ah, sweet words. Late pm, my female owner dragged herself to school to return an overdue book and to meet Mr S (how funny, both of them had to go to school but were too lazy to do so, unless they had other additional reasons to go out, hence they agreed to meet). Was meant to be a brainless evening but Mr S asked her again about her coping and emotional well-being, commenting that she was “flat”. He found out that it was very important for her to graduate by the end of the year and through his persistent but therapeutic probing, sussed out the deep seated reasons for her relentless pursuit of a ridiculous deadline… and in the process, she teared again. My female owner had never been teary over a stretch of so many days before. This is new and rightly distressing for her. However, after Friday's guided soul-searching, my female owner said that she is clearer of her irrational thoughts and inflexible beliefs.

sleep

It’s the time of the night again, when my female owner wonders if she will be able to sleep properly. She changed her sleeping pattern somewhat last night. She decided not to set an alarm for waking up this morning, so that she could reduce the pressure of having to sleep soon enough in order to sleep at least 7 hours. That could have worked, coz she fell asleep in no time. The only trouble was that she ended up sleeping till about 10am. But she celebrated the fact that sleep came easy and undisturbed for once. In her words, better to sleep more and sweetly, than to sleep just nice and poorly.

My female owner says too that suddenly, her friends had been rallying around her. Second Onli Fren called her out of the blue from Singapore, coz she noticed that my female owner had been absent from MSN for a while. And has still been calling her. Special Fren sensed that she was feeling stressed one night and encouraged her not to lose heart and think positively. Then Emo Sponge, who had been missing from her life for a number of weeks now, messaged her randomly to ask how she was coping and affirmed her fighting spirit. He also pointed out everyone goes through bad seasons and this just happens to be my female owner’s time. Mr S also did his part in dispensing sleep hygiene tips and reminded her not to work on Theseus just before bedtime. And out of the blue, Therapist Fren also sent an email to cheer her on in her journey with Theseus, offering her listening ear in dire times.

My female owner was so touched at these gestures of love and encouragement that erm, she actually teared twice on two different days. She felt so undeserving of this outpouring of support. After all, she hadn’t exactly been the best company in recent weeks.

triggered

My female owner had an emo day, being triggered by past memories. She met Mr S for coffee in uni and he asked her the inevitable “you look unhappy today, what’s wrong?”

She struggled, but eventually got some old stuff off her chest. Took a long time. Not that he was able to do anything but just sit with her until she was ready to move on. Then he kindly offered to meet her afterward for dinner, because she didn’t want to go home and interact with too many people (there was going to be a jogging group tonight).

For this, she is grateful.

crankiness

My female owner found out something new about herself. It’s nothing earth-shattering. She felt really grouchy and anti-social yesterday and couldn’t believe what was happening to her, especially since she is NOT hormonal now. She had a really bad day at placement, that’s for sure, with a marathon 2.5hr session with a weepy patient who kept going “yes-but” all the way. My female owner doesn’t want to talk about that patient now coz it still irks her whenever she thinks about it.

At night, she dragged herself to some church event (combining 5 bible study groups) so that was some big social exposure for her. Reaching there, she wanted to leave immediately. Simply put, she felt “off”. But she stayed because the reason she went was to support someone who was part of the organising team.

My female owner kept trying to trouble-shoot the emo-situation coz she couldn’t accept that she is dysthymic or depressive or have regressed to how she was in the past. Finally, she figured out that it was simply because she had not enough (and broken) sleep for the past two nights. Hence, she was functioning at half-tank and feeling the crankiness (and not the teariness that comes with being hormonal).

Such an easy explanation (hopefully!).

answer

My female owner had a super emo Sunday, she couldn’t figure out why. She didn’t even have an inkling of what was going to happen.

She attended church as usual. Felt a bit sedated during worship but still ok. Come sermon, she listened as usual. Then about 1700hr, she received watapps messages from her Librarian Fren and Emo Sponge. That is, one from Singapore and one from someone who was in the same room as her. Librarian Fren broached this topic about parents getting older and something in my female owner just snapped. She started to feel sad about being away from her parents and guilty that she has thoughts of staying in Brisbane when just yesterday, her father said to her over video “after you graduate, everything will be ok”.

She continued watapping them on this topic and suddenly found her eyes welling up in tears, so much so that she had to leave the room to avoid unwanted attention. As usual, she went to the toilet and sat on the toilet bowl, crying and wondering what in the world was happening to her. Emo Sponge, true to his name, supported her through the outburst via iPhone(power of technology? Well, it made her upset in the first place). My female owner went back only when she thought her eyes looked normal but unexpectedly, a guy whom she was not close to ask her outright “why you cry?”

Well… what if she doesn’t really know the answer?

godmother

My female owner was moping around the house yesterday evening. Her friends had gone out for KTV but she had chosen to stay home (after her short short run – not even 20mins she says) to deal with her never-ending stats. Her housemate was also moping around because of her assignment.

Even though she arranged with Emo Sponge to pop over after KTV to cheer them up, my female owner eventually cancelled the jio coz she decided that she wanted to sleep. However, my female owner ended up watching Korean DVDs (yes, the same series she was watching last weekend) and then surprise surprise, one of her long-time friends started an MSN chat with her (just a side-note, ever since my female owner got iBliss, she feels as if MSN is passé).

The conversation was worth it, she says, to have skipped a social appointment.

Firstly, she found out that she is going to be a godmother soon! Yes, her friend is expecting a baby and what an honour to be the first to know about this (besides family). Her friend and her hubby had agreed a few years ago that my female owner would be the godmother to their first child and they are honouring their promise.

Hmm.. i wonder what kind of godmother she will be. If looking after us is anything to judge her by, my female owner is likely to be largely absent and laissez-faire, giving the child lotsa freedom to explore his world. Ah, but if he falls ill or get into trouble, would drop everything to take care of him.

Secondly, her friend, despite not being a Christian, actually encouraged my female owner with Christian truths. Being caught up with her current situation, my female owner had lost the bigger picture of the current season of her life and through her friend, she was reminded of how God brought her to Brisbane, took care of her and in the process, transformed her life. The transformation must have been so obvious, coz her friend noted that she is much happier now. Ah, such heartwarming feedback, given at a low point of her life, just cheered her up.

Today she woke up, determined not to let her circumstances get her down. After all, doctorate stress is transient (and to be expected, really) and the process of going through the situation is character-moulding.

rut

My female owner is slowly sinking into depression she reckons. She went running with some friends just now and while exercise is widely regarded to be the best (and quickest) remedy for lifting low mood (due to the release of dopamine and all that), my female owner found that she was even more blue afterwards. It didn’t help that the run reminded her of the good times she had with her jogging kakis.

Ah, she needs to get herself out of this rut, most definitely.

off

It’s one of those days when my female owner feels mega-ly off. First, she didn’t want to go to church because she felt off. Funnily, she ended up reaching in time for pre-service prayer and that helped. Then, she didn’t want to socialise with people, so she sat at the side and of course she didn’t go for dinner (having spent all her money on drinks the night before).

And today, for the first time, she mulls whether taking up this doctorate programme is a mistake. That perhaps, if she could turn back time, she wouldn’t have pursued it. Life would have still gone on peaceably. Working in her previous organisation (or moving on?!), creating a niche for herself in youths, drawing a steady income, being surrounded by familiar and soothing people/ things/ lifestyle, attaining a dan belt in aikido?. The list goes on. Life might have been simpler.

This year, 2010, began for her, as shaky as 2008 did. Uncertainty, self-doubts, moodiness, split-personalities, inner conflicts, questioning and hypothesising filled her days. Getting and subsequently, rejecting the offer increased her sense of guilt towards her parents and self-condemnation. (Hence back to her wondering if taking up this doctorate was a bad mistake).

My female owner says that she is likely to be transiting from her quarter-life crisis (which started when she was about 23 years old) straight into mid-life crisis. Ah.. a through-train! Wonder if Dodo has any mid-life crisis, since he’s turning ten this year.

fun fun

My female owner woke up feeling miserable. It’s Saturday and she has nothing to look forward to in Brisbane. In sharp contrast, she can think of heaps of things to entertain herself in Singapore. The last two days in Brisbane hadn’t been fun fun.

She arrived on Thursday, was picked up by her friend and “slept her sianz away” in the afternoon. She woke up around dinner time, coz Mr Nice Guy was coming over to decorate the house for a farewell party for some bible study people on Friday. The first time he said to her was “eh, can you come outside to help me carry things?” Hmm.. wonder why my female owner always get suaned by people.

My female owner tried to find reasons for coming back to Brisbane so early but couldn’t. Her consolation was that Mr Nice Guy, Housemate and her went out for drinks after decorating the house. Ah, something that makes her feel at home. What’s more, there were some male eye candy in the shop.

Friday came. My female owner tore herself from home (remember, she doesn’t like going out if transport is difficult) to meet her new clinical supervisor. While the meeting was good, it didn’t help that she could only start her placement in Feb. Her first thought was predictably, then why go back to Brisbane so early? Even more sianz, she messaged good old Best Fern who told her to just relax in Brisbane.

Her next intended stop was the university as she wanted to settle her visa issues. In the city, she met an acquaintance, literally someone whom she had spoken to once. My female owner ended up having lunch and going shopping with her. Was a fruitful time for her, she reckons. And she ended up getting Mr Nice Guy to pick her up from the city to go back home for the farewell party.

Farewell party was sweet, wacky and nostalgic. Everyone turned up. My female owner knew deep within her heart that this was the main reason why she did not change her air-ticket or why she stopped praying that her flight would be overbooked and that she would be asked to travel later (this happened to her before). Still, my female owner felt a sense of distance from the group but reckons that she will warm up fairly quickly.

After all, nothing could be worse than last year when she returned, when she did not have a place to stay, had to go house-hunting in the hot summer sun, had to join a new bible study group and complete the remnants of her internship . In comparison, this year is much kinder. She has a house to return to (but she is moving room!!), no need to move stuff or buy furniture and an established bible study group of friends to hang out with.

For now, she is still feeling blue.

nothing

My female owner had an emotional roller coaster week, so extreme and intense that I can’t even start writing about it, lest I start hyperventilating.

She got so down at one point that she started to catastrophise that this has been the worst holiday ever and wished she never came back. She also fell ill, developed more (psychosomatic) symptoms and lost her appetite even when her fever was gone. She spent her time at home sleeping and if she hadn’t made prior agreement to meet, abstained from other appointments and moped around at home… and slept through the day.

Much ado about nothing, she says.

implode

My female owner is now depressed. Having more or less decided to return to Singapore (she is still not ready to commit to her decision), she is grieving. With its quiet environment, Brisbane set her free psychologically and emotionally. With gentle soothing, it calmed the raging tempest within her. Among many things, my female owner is fearful that back to the local chaotic environment, she will revert to the old, depressive and aimless her. Maybe it is a needless fear coz she should be stronger and more mature by now. There are so many ways to look at things and my female owner’s tendency to look at multiple angles and feel for people at different spots is causing her to implode.

Tell you, I’ve never seen her like this for a long time. Not since she was in a relationship. She wasn’t even like this when she was upset (remember all that drama?) about having to leave Singapore for Brisbane. Methinks her mood is exacerbated by high anxiety.

what if

My female owner says that she will be back in Singapore in 69 days. And it is with fear and trepidation that she awaits the final day. Such an irony isn’t it? For someone who claims that she can’t wait to be home again.

Home is where the heart is. My female owner still regards Singapore as her home. She holds her beloved family and friends close to her heart.

At the same time, her affection for Brisbane (and the lifestyle) is increasing. She knows that she is going to miss her Brisbane friends when she returns to Singapore. They were just talking about having a birthday party for Dec babies and well, my female owner won’t be around for that. For the first time, her MSN contacts for “Brisbane” are more active than the other categories of her life (e.g. “Aikido”, “Colleagues”, “Church”). Just two days ago, someone found out that she would be returning to Singapore in December and later on, asked her privately “how long will you be gone?”

My female owner felt a wave of familiarity as she heard those words, spoken in a well-meaning tone. It was exactly how her friends had asked (“how long will you be gone?”) when she told them that she would be leaving Singapore to further her studies. For the first time, she felt that maybe, home is now Brisbane and she is leaving Brisbane for a foreign country. For how long? She hasn’t decided. 6 weeks? 8 weeks? Depends.

I guess that’s why my female owner is apprehensive about returning home. What if she went home and found out that she can’t fit in anymore? That her friends have moved on with their respective lives and there is a widening gap that can no longer be bridged? That would be heart-wrenching for my female owner.

On the flip side, what if she went home and found that she really loved Singapore and Brisbane, at the end of the day, is just a passing season in her life, an illusion she created (at the cost of more than 100k) just so that she could escape a bad job and a failed relationship? Won’t that make leaving Singapore another painful experience?

You know what, I think my female owner thinks too much for her own good. “Live in the present!” as what one of her friends told her. “Let go of the past!” as many had admonished her. Like it or not, 69 days is going to pass quickly and before you know it, she will be back! Let The Balcony party!!!