birthday

Well… it’s exactly two more months before my female owner’s birthday. This upcoming birthday promises to be different from the previous ones she had. For one, it marks the reaching of a milestone (leave you to figure out what milestone that is).

In addition to that, my female owner has earlier decided to celebrate her birthday across two continents for the first time in her life. Hence, she would be doing an early celebration with her Australian friends and going back home in time to celebrate with her family and friends. With regards to the early celebration, for the first time in her life (or as far as she can remember), someone has actually offered to plan a party for her. And this party is not just organising a dinner plus buying a birthday cake/ gift but actually banding people together to cook a dinner (western style apparently), complete with appropriate ambience. The flip side is that because it is labour intensive, only a handful of friends can be invited.

Sounds exciting; something for her to look forward to, as the year closes in on her like a rushing river.

accompany

Today, she felt brain-dead by 1730hr even though she probably didn’t overuse her brain. She finally found out why, after spending about 2 hours by herself.

She needed her metime, even if it meant just clearing emails and other admin stuff. My female owner had such an intense weekend that she didn’t quite realise that it was over until it dawned upon her on Sunday night that she didn’t have the chance to do her laundry. And even today, she had an intense(ly social) day.

Here’s what I mean.

Saturday – woke up early. Spent whole day with Emo Sponge, to accompany him for house-hunting and ended up engaging in “deeper” chats. Joined by two other friends for early dinner and night movie. Met more people briefly at the cinema (after her movie) coz they were watching the movie after.
Sunday – woke up early to accompany housemate to the Gold Coast to test-drive her dream car. Joined by Emo Sponge for early lunch and beach-watching. Went to church, caught up with two friends whom she had not seen for a month. Went for big group dinner.
Monday – woke up early to help Emo Sponge with his rental car issues (i.e. driving through heavy traffic). Proceeded to the hospital to sign papers for employment (1.75hrs!). Went on to uni to meet a friend for lunch and to accompany him for grocery-shopping. Back to the Valley to help Emo Sponge with car.

No wonder she was flat-out. She had been accompanying people to do all the stuff that they needed to get done, that she had forgotten about herself. This is to the point where she is too disengaged to cook or even get groceries.

ES: “didn’t you get groceries when you were with your friend?”
FO: “nooo… was too lazy to…”
ES (grins): “ain’t groceries a must? Not a luxury?”
FO: “oh yah! Aiyah, dun care liao..”

distant

Oh no, I realise that I am writing so much less these few months. Age must be catching up on me. Maybe we turtles are drifting apart from our female owner. Maybe things started changing when Sayang entered her world, and Sayang became more real, more interactive and more personal than us turtles who are living on another continent and largely solitary in our behaviour.

And when my female owner had to give up Sayang, her heart broke and she became distant. Disappointed that people treated animals like garbage (“why don’t you just drive somewhere and leave the cat there?”). Cross as well, “I would just leave the dog to die, rather than spend money on her surgery”.

Anyway, I hope she recovers from her emotional upheaval soon. We turtles can’t wait to see her again – counting down the days!

overthink

My female owner acknowledges that she has a tendency to overthink. Overthink how people might feel, overthink how people might think of her, overthink how people might respond to her requests, overthink, over-predicting and over-analysing situations. To the point that she remains stuck in her situation and not progress.

For example, she wanted to ask her supervisor at the private school to be her character referee (just a blanket agreement). But because my female owner knows that her supervisor is having some personal crisis, her thoughts were along the following lines:

“Would I be imposing on her at such a time like this?”
“What if she is too busy with her personal matters and my request just adds a burden to her?”
“What if she is not in the right frame of mind to help me?”

All these conjectures resulted in my female owner not asking her supervisor for help. Until this week, when she went for her second interview at the hospital and they wanted her to get a reference from this supervisor.

Even then, my female owner hesitated and had to seek assurance from Therapist Fren that it was ok to ask her supervisor at such a time. Therapist Fren’s response was wisely sound “well, it’s up to her to decide if she will help you and the important thing is that you ask”

I guess at the end of the day, my female owner is also scared of rejection. Hence, she makes up so many excuses for the other party so as to distance herself from any potential rejections.

Nice Girl

My female owner has nothing really urgent or important to do these days. She is not having much success on the temp job front and has taken to reading as a means of self-improvement and intellectual simulation. She was milling around the Brisbane City Library when she found this book calling out for her.

For too long, my female owner has struggled with being “too passive” and “too nice”. Different well-meaning friends have spoken to her about these two aspects of her personality, urging her to step out and be more assertive. Finally, she is in a position to take action on her erroneous beliefs and maladaptive behaviour.

There is a questionnaire inside the book which was of much interest to my female owner.

Are you a Nice Girl?

1. Do you have a difficult time asserting yourself with service people? (for example, sending a plate of food back, telling a salesperson you are not interested.)
2. Do you get talked into things, including buying things, because you can’t say no?
3. Are you overly concerned about what people think of you?
4. Is it overly important to you that people like you?
5. Are you afraid to say how you really feel out of fear of making someone angry?
6. Do you apologise too much or too often?
7. Do you have friends or acquaintance you don’t really like or have much in common with but fell obligated to continue seeing?
8. Do you often say yes to invitations because you don’t want the person to feel rejected?
9. Do you tend to give in because it makes you feel selfish if you refuse to help someone?
10. Are you afraid people will dislike you if you’re not cooperative?
11. Do you have trouble speaking up as soon as something or someone is unfair to you?
12. Do you hesitate telling someone that he or she has hurt your feelings or made you angry because you don’t want him or her to feel bad?
13. Do you avoid telling someone he or she has upset you because you don’t think it will do any good or will only cause a big problem between you?
14. Do you have people in your life who take advantage of you?
15. O you often take the blame for things just to avoid an argument or to avoid rejection or abandonment?
16. Do you often make excuses for people’s poor behaviour, telling yourself that they didn’t mean it or they didn’t know better?
17. Do you avoid conflicts or confrontation at all costs?
18. Do you get a terrible feeling when someone is angry with you?
19. Do you give someone the benefit of the doubt even when others tell you this person is trouble?
20. Do you give people another chance even when they continue with the same hurtful or inappropriate behaviour?
21. Do you tell yourself that you don’t have a right to complain about a person’s behaviour if you’ve ever been guilty of the same behaviour?
22. Are you attracted to bad boys or people with a large dark side?
23. Do you strongly believe in being fair even when other people are treating you unfairly?

If you answered yes to two or more of these questions, you have some Nice Girl in you no matter how assertive, successful, or self-actualised you think you are.
If you answered yes to more than five of these questions, you still have some work to do in terms of changing the way you view yourself in the world.
If you answered yes to more than ten of these questions, you have an extreme version of the Nice Girl syndrome and will need to do some serious work to rid yourself of the negative and false beliefs that are basically dictating your life.

wonders

And one starts to wonder what my female owner plans to do after she submits her thesis. Her biggest want is to do a roadtrip around Australia. Alas, she didn’t make enough friends in the past 2.5years to make that want come into fruition the way she wants it to. Still, within the limited circle of friends she has, she managed to cough out a getaway to Coffs Harbour (NSW), Adelaide, Canberra, Sydney and maybe Whitsundays (QLD). Short trips, but still better than nothing. Besides, it won’t be good to indulge too much into trips, if she hasn’t been working for a good part of the year.

And one starts to wonder what my female owner has in mind… after her mini getaways are completed.

Hmmm…

huge

My female owner says that her new housemate is driving her crazy. She is filled with so much angst and annoyance that it shows clearly, whenever she ventilates to some of her friends. My female owner prides herself as easy-going, accommodating and flexible. She has few red buttons, but they can be really huge and sensitive and this housemate seems to be pressing all of them.

I know I have written about these red buttons before, but let me just point out the current huge and sensitive ones:

- People who intrude into her personal space constantly
- People who can’t read social cues well, given their age and experience
- People who are inconsiderate and/ or self-inviting
- People who frighten her cat for fun

Go figure what’s pissing my female owner off now. The funny thing is that today, she was ventilating to two friends, one female and one guy (separately). And both of them were very amused. The female friend even said “this is so entertaining” while the male friend just kept grinning.

On a serious note, my female owner is so pissed that she tries to avoid her housemate as much as she can, and keeps conversations to a minimal. At times, she even coops herself in her room so that their paths will not cross.

fitness

And so, this is the eve of my female owner’s return to the “real” world. She has about one more month before she has to submit her thesis. There are bits and pieces of her work in different states of being, awaiting further correction. There is a new group starting on Tuesday and even though she has clearly stated that she is not intending to attend any sessions if she is not running any segment, my female owner knows that she is obliged to turn up for a few.

Moving ahead in these final weeks, struggling to get out of her sleepy slumber (with the long arms of subconscious anxieties pulling her back down), my female owner has decided that the focus for the rest of winter would be encapsulated into Fs

i) Mental fitness – to complete her thesis
ii) Physical fitness – jogging and minimal snacking (healthy on the hips and pocket)
iii) Spiritual fitness – time to grow more in God

hiatus

My female owner took an unplanned hiatus from Theseus , starting Thursday. Don’t worry, she plans to return to him tomorrow. It all started when she submitted her Main Introduction to her supervisor on Thursday and then, she realised that she had nothing more to do, until he reverted to her on Study 2, 3 and the Introduction. I mean, she can’t write the General Discussion if the studies are not confirmed right? So like a wandering spirit, my female owner had to look for other things to do. This were some of the randoms she got up to:

Thursday: Cooked dinner for friends plus Masterchef (second last episode)
Friday: Lunch with friend at a restaurant she never been to, afternoon of DVDs, church at night
Saturday: Early morning drive (2am) to Tweed Heads to wait for sunrise (really so ENG hoh), Taiwanese brekkie, Property inspection with friends in the arvo, Seafood dinner with other friends at night
Sunday: Church, KFC dinner with friends (see Thursday) and final episode of Masterchef

Intersperse these four days with heaps of food, snacks, chocolates, DVDs in free pockets of time, NO exercise, LOTSA sleep. My female owner knew that any of her high achieving friends would have packed more meaningful and goal-oriented activities if they had a hiatus like her. But really, my female owner ain’t feeling as if she is up to any achievement-driven endeavours. She did feel quite bad about being slothy, gluttony and nua but reckons all would be back to full swing starting tomorrow when she has to meet her professor and her supervisor who would most likely get her to butcher her write-ups.

express

My female owner had the most interesting conversation with Mr S tonight. Quite unexpected actually. They went out for a movie and then he suggested going for a hot drink. They ended up somewhere in Milton which was the Little Paris of Brisbane.

Anyway, the conversation started casual. And then it turned deep quite quickly when he asked about certain incidents that happened on Saturday (the day they went hiking) and later commented that my female owner had been “too nice” and he felt uncomfortable about how she was constantly giving in to him. Finally, he grinned and said he needed to ask her a question. The question was about whether she thought there was anything more to the friendship. My female owner said she thought of them as friends. Happily, he also cleared the air and established that they are only friends.

The conversation then geared back towards my female owner’s personality – her indecisiveness, her difficulty in communicating emotionally (or being guarded, even unintentionally) and her tendency to accommodate others etc. it is hard to capture the exact flow of the discussion but the essence was the same perennial issues that her closer psychologically minded friends had previously raised to her on many occasions. My female owner couldn’t believe that her past (or rather buried present) had come back to haunt her.

Mr S was extremely patient and reassuring during the conversation (counsellor mode?), and while it was difficult for her to express herself properly/ adequately, my female owner found the face-to-face context refreshing and therapeutic, coz it brought her out of her comfort zone and made her confront many issues (in vivo) which she had been avoiding or given less thought about.

So much food for thought. I wonder what my female owner would do next.

terminating

Today, my female owner did something she normally would struggle to do and hence, not do – tell her flute teacher that she wants to stop flute. She had told Fated Guy about her struggle in this area of terminating relationships and he had firmly pointed out the absurdness of her thoughts, that she did not need to feel bad or guilty about stopping class, that she had the ultimate power to decide and if she is not happy in the process of learning, then it defeats the purpose.

Then he proposed that she do it asap and offered to buy her dinner if she does it today during flute. His point was that if she was going to do it eventually, why not now? Why procrastinate?

My female owner wasn’t motivated by the dinner per se, but she knew this was something she had to do. Hence, she decided to tell her flute teacher at the end of class. With a heavy heart, she attended class and her flute teacher could tell that something was wrong. However, my female owner kept mum, coz she had only psyched herself to tell him at the end of class (classic procrastination). Class ended (finally) and the next student and his mother came in before she could broach the issue! Ordinarily, my female owner would have given up and left without saying a word. However, she knew she could not face herself or Fated Guy if she left passively and dinner would have been meaningless. Hence, she just spoke up from where she was and informed him of her decision, to which he said “I know you are busy, let’s talk about it next week”.

My female owner left in a shaky state, upset. However, Fated Guy was elated on hearing that she did it. He kept grinning and congratulating my female owner. My female owner couldn’t make sense her success until she calmed down. She then realised that firstly, she had done what she said she would, despite the fact that the situation was turned unexpectedly awkward and unconducive. Secondly, it didn’t really matter how she did it, coz the focus was on her standing up for herself and thirdly, really, there is no right way of doing something like that. A behavioural experiment done well. My female owner knew she could have never done it if Fated Guy had not been supporting her through her internal conflicts.

On his part, Fated Guy kept his promise and cooked a yummy Hongkong-style dinner for her housemates and her (talk about immediate reward!). They also did a little role play about what might happen next week when she attends class and my female owner was promised another yummy dish if she sticks to her decision. My female owner reckons she would stick to her guns next week, but knowing that “someone is watching” helped her muster up enough courage to speak out.

vulnerable

My female owner has been preoccupied with two things recently. One – Theseus. Given that it is already mid-June and she is not progressing with him in terms of her goals for this month, my female owner is rightfully panicking.

Second – Fated Guy. All along she had thought of their friendship as well, fated. Coz they seem to get along well, despite the short length of time, share similar interests and have similar personalities and predispositions. My female owner says that she feels as if time flies whenever they are together coz they don’t run out of things to say and they laugh easily over trivial things. However, recently, he had been doing a few things that might be beyond what a normal friend would do. Perhaps, what a very good guy friend would do, and maybe that’s what it’s all about.

Therapist Fren has the most details about what he has been doing and gets entertained teasing my female owner about it. However, at the end of the day, she tells my female owner to be open about possibilities. My female owner has been rejecting all these possibilities.

Whether or not Fated Guy is interested in her, my female owner cannot deny that they are getting closer, psychologically and emotionally, based on the nature of things they share with each other. With each revelation, my female owner feels more and more vulnerable, more and more exposed. While they are just friends, she sometimes gets the feeling that their interaction is similar to romantic partners. And she is reacting internally “if this is what entering into a romantic relationship is about – being open and vulnerable, then maybe I don’t want it”

So the distress and apprehension she feels is really about the realisation that she has an ambivalent-anxious attachment style, that when people get too close to her, she starts to put up defences so that they cannot come nearer in. She knows that deep down, she doesn’t want to risk being hurt, whether by friends or romance (hence, she had been so selective and guarded). And for Fated Guy, he would be returning to his home country in two months’ time and my female owner knows she would be upset when he leaves, just as she had been when her Jogging Kaki went home. So, the closer they are now, the more hurt she would be later.

peek

My female owner has been so occupied recently that it had been difficult to get her. I took a peek into her diary and this was what she had been up to.

Last Friday
Stayed at home to redo her paper 1 for publication; life group at night; late night soccer (world cup, apparently)

Saturday
Stayed home in the day to do RA work; mid-arvo went out to plant a birthday surprise for I-Fren. Her friends and her were unsure if they would be able to nab him but decided to take the risk anyway. It was a worthwhile experience coz they caught him unaware (and so did he, he turned up when they were decorating his car!). Ended up having dinner together (finally!!) and taking a casual photo-taking walk along Brisbane River, with hilarious results. Late night, she had some friends over for coffee.

Sunday
Began the day with RA work (never ending). Went to church and at night, stayed over at friends’ place at Toowong, because she was going hiking the next day and Mr Nice Guy was going to pick her up at 0600hr.

Monday
Day began so early, lack of sleep. Mr Nice Guy and her went Mt Barney for a “moderate to steep” hike. Attentive to details, he brought along a hot water flask to make hot drinks at the destination and even came prepared with a portable stove/ steamer to heat up his homemade tim sum for lunch. Yumz. My female owner came home and crashed for a couple of hours, before doing some non-thesis work at night.

Tuesday
The day started out very bad, with murphy’s law reappearing at any possible instance (she was going to Toowong for group therapy). She tolerated the distress until mid-day, after which she had a lunch appointment with Fated Guy. They were supposed to go Sunnybank to have lunch but because my female owner had a hard day, he suggested going somewhere quiet to chill (*touched*) and they ended up at Mt Cootha. Then they adjourned to Campos Coffee in the Valley (best coffee in Brisbane) and finally back to Sunnybank to get some groceries (coz that was the whole point of the appointment – he wanted to get groceries from Sunnybank). In the evening, she met up with a stranger for dinner at the stranger’s house. They were connected through her previous supervisor who wanted my female owner to help this person with some queries about Singapore. Then my female owner went home, chatted with Therapist Fren for 1.5hours and started on her RA work after midnight.

Wednesday
Today. Her plan is to complete all her outstanding bits and pieces. Theseus had been sorely neglected and my female owner is feeling tense about it.

say

My female owner had been meeting up with Fated Guy at least once a week. These meetings most often than not take place in uni, if they both happen to be in uni at the same time. Hence, it is purely meals of convenience. Through these meals, she got to know him (and his psyche) better. I said before that at the first dinner they had, my female owner was struck by how similar their interests were. She soon found out he often said things that she herself would say. Some of these include (I’m sure her close friends would agree too)

“actually I am very shy” (when he goes around making friends with random people he meets at coffee shops)

“things could be worse, I mean, I could say that ‘even mozzies don’t like me’ ” (context: at camping, when my female owner commented that he was so lucky not to be bitten by mosquitoes)

“I was feeling emotional yesterday” (last lecture of his programme - same as how my female owner felt)

“I wanna go home!” (during the same period when my female owner had that exact tagline on MSN)

“I find it hard to approach people first, but if people make the first move, I am ok” (what can I say?)

Maybe there are a few more examples but I can’t recall them at this point in time. My female owner never really told him that he sounded like her but I find it disturbing to see a reflection of herself in someone else. One her is enough, I reckon.

lost

My female owner says that she has lost interest in MSN. Hence, she hasn’t been visible for most part of the week. The only person who has managed to catch hold of her while she is invisible is Special Fren, who roughly knows when she is around. She attributes this loss of interest to her increased use of her Iphone. Oh wait, and the more important reason is that she wants to be distraction-free and be able to work on her thesis without multi-tasking. Hmmm… But there are still her Facebook and Whatapps, the main time-stealers.

My female owner also says that she has lost interest in social gatherings. Compared to the past, she has cut down on social events. Things like dinners on Sunday with her church friends, lunches with her uni friends, random social jios (e.g. playing pool and shopping) and even jogging appointments. There’s a part of her which is tired of interacting with people, a part of her which wants to be left alone and be more focused on her priorities and yet, a small but significant part of her which knows that she needs to be socially bonded, otherwise she would just waste away and become a recluse.

She has just become more picky (and pricky) these days, and trying to work out the balance. After all, this is her final lap and she needs to pull up her sock in order to finish as a winning champion and not a dying hero.

flippant

Did I tell you that my female owner decided that she would not be returning to Singapore after graduation? She confirmed her decision while she was jogging by herself one day recently. It was like an epiphany of sorts. Don’t ask me of what sorts. It sounds flippant to me coz she decided just like that! (Yes, we turtles ain’t happy about it. We, the gals, have a defective schema of abandonment, no thanks to our first owner. Anyway, that’s history.).

She’s probably still clueless about the specifics of her life but the general gist is that she doesn’t want to work in Singapore if working is going to be like how it was like for her. So that means exploring other options.

stubborn

I-Fren recently commented that my female owner is stubborn. My female owner disagreed with his comment coz she saw herself as being wishy-washy nature, indecisive and passive. It didn’t help that I-Fren refused to elaborate on his comment.

Anyway, did I tell you that she had an emo night last Thursday? She felt as she was at breaking point and almost started wallowing in self-pity but managed to catch herself in time (by the way, my female owner finally worked it out that it's defintely hormonal). Nonetheless, she wrote something in Mandarin on Facebook and because of that, Emo Sponge came along, asked some questions and started chatting with her on Iphone.

Inevitably, he started to zoom in on an issue that I-Fren had previously raised. My female owner told Emo Sponge quite quickly not to waste his breath on her, coz other people had spoken to her about the same issue and it would be unlikely that he would reap a different result from the rest.

And Emo Sponge finally said – stubborn. Maybe they are right after all?

focus

My female owner says she almost cried during flute lesson today. She has been stretching herself this week with RA work – endless editing and proofreading – to the point where she feels nauseated. She also had to deal with her own thesis and her endless ruminations about what’s next, after graduation?

Her flute teacher was harsher than usual and of course, that made my female owner more anxious and less fluid in her playing. She was accused of not paying attention to dynamics and other musical features. While partly true, the main reason was that her cognitive resources were channelled largely to getting the notes right.

Anyway, her flute teacher always says how a student plays reflects his/ her personality. Today, he commented that she lacked focus in her playing.. the way she probably lacks focus in her life. He actually verified his hypothesis by first asking her (before making that comment) what her plans are, post-graduation. My female owner’s response (no prize for guessing) was “I don’t know”.

deshell

Emo Sponge seems to have made it his personal mission to de-anti-socialise my female owner. He suggested that my female owner start to practice some social organisation by arranging for a dinner among some people this Saturday. He probably thinks it would be easy coz people have already bought tickets to watch a movie (for fund-raising purposes).

My female owner’s response was “what? So stressful!” She used to be the social organiser in Singapore among her Impromptu Frens but that’s about it. Her Onli Frens often had to initiate appointments in order to meet up with her. She also did not do any organising among her aikido friends. She was typically one of those who would turn up for the event and go along with the flow (i.e. not oppose to any suggestions since she didn’t organise anything).

So anyway, my female owner became curious as to why Emo Sponge seemed adamant about deshelling her and deflected the suggestion by asking him for the reasons. Alas, the conversation halted unexpectedly coz it was dinner time. Anyway, my female owner is let off the hook. I can just picture the large grin on her face.

briefly

Sorry for taking so long to update my Turtle Pad. My female owner has been occupied with several things, so it has been difficult trying to nail her down for updates too. Here are some quick updates:

She is enjoying her hospital placement very much. The best ever, she says.
She is gaining momentum with her thesis. It’s in the storming stage now, where her supervisor and her are trying to firm up their research ideas, in order to meet her ambitious deadline of 31 Aug.
Flute practices had been tough, as she has unlearn many of the wrong techniques that she was taught or never corrected when she was learning in Singapore. However, her perseverance paid off as her teacher congratulated her on a job well done.
Bible study group has been more challenging than expected/ necessary as she grapples with systemic changes and constant unfamiliar faces. In fact, this situation gives her more anxiety than any of the other situations mentioned.
Weight management has been good. Did I tell you that she must have lost weight (though still flabbier than pre-Brissy) coz she can fit comfortably into her Singapore working clothes now (i.e. no more squeezing)? In fact, some clothes which she bought when she was 21! Hooray!
Exercising. Non-existent. No more kakis, no more drive. Although she is open to jogging again, if she can find reliable buddies.