scroll

My female owner had an emo moment just now where she couldn’t sort out her thoughts and her feelings. She couldn’t figure out what exactly she was upset about and well, just started crying.

She calmed down after she stumbled upon a song on Youtube (The God I know). The lyrics took her focus off her volatile emotions to the steadfast nature of God. Yes, it is time she stopped being so inward-looking.

Anyway, after a long while, my female owner was able to put a finger to her earlier distress. For some reason, once again, she had felt alone (nothing actually happened). That same sense of aloneness she kept feeling years ago, when she scrolled down her mobile phone and couldn’t find anyone she would want to call to talk to in times of need. And perhaps, the only person would be her Onli Fren. Even then, my female owner hardly called her (if she ever did in the first place).

My female owner feels ridiculous for her outburst actually. Her bible study group has been such a tremendous blessing. She knows that there are people who will be willing to support her through emo moments. Yet, she also knows that she won’t approach them. She knows the problem lies with her, not them. She is not opening up to them beyond the social level. Yet, she finds such interactions meaningless after a while, in the absence of deeper, more intimate interactions.

I think my female owner became even more distressed when she realised that she is her own obstacle, that unless she removes whatever that is maintaining her aloofness, she will be struggling with this ambivalence.