disengaged

My female owner feels disengaged from her bible study group. She’s not sure if it is the stress from doing her thesis that is causing her not to enjoy the group as much as before. She still treasures certain individuals in the group and would find time to socialise with them but finds it a chore to talk to the “unfamiliar people”. Little things that some people do or say in the group annoy her and make her think “what nonsense is this?”. She knows that this is not healthy and at times, just wants to disengage totally, like disappear, so that the group can move on happily without her. She doesn’t really want to put on a happy face when she really isn’t. Or engage in small talk when all she wants is to be quiet and keep to herself. It’s no longer a place where she is who she is.

Alas, it is impossible to disappear, given that her house is like a social hub for church people. Thankfully, the people who hang around her house are the people whom she feels comfortable to. Yet, not comfortable enough to share these inner conflicts.

expand

My female owner realised with horror that her “Onli Frens” in Brisbane seems to be her church friends. She was so distressed, she called up Therapist Fren to unload. Anyway, here’s why.

Thursday before Good Friday till Monday after Easter: Gold Coast with church group (slot in I-Fren whom she met briefly for jogging – she doesn’t really consider him as a “church friend” but a “personal friend”, if it makes sense). Dinner after jogging with church group.

Tuesday: last minute movie night at her house with some church friends

Wednesday: movie with some church friends

Thursday: home dinner with some church friends

Friday: meant to have dinner with the female church friends, but my female owner couldn’t bear the thought of that, so she went out with a non-church friend (Fated Guy). She came home about 2000hr and chatted with some church friends who were over at her house for bible study (from a different group)

Saturday (today): she went for her maiden baby shower of a non-church friend. In the evening, when she got home, some church friends were at her house (coz someone just moved in and they had helped to move earlier). She declined to go for yet another dinner with them (same group as Thursday night actually).

Sunday: What can I say? Church group?

A brief tally if I may:
In ten days (Thursday before Good Friday till today), she met
- Mr Nice Guy for 6 days
- Emo Sponge for 9 days
- Another guy for 9 days
- Another gal for 7 days (her new housemate)

I reckon it’s really time for her to expand her social network. You think?

escapade

My female owner finally returned from her getaway to the Gold Coast. She didn’t really bring a camera as she knew she would be too lazy to take many photos. So I don’t have any photos to spice up my Turtle Pad.

Anyway, her first night was spent in a hotel with three friends, having seafood and playing Monopoly. Not a strategic game player, she was the first to be bankrupt. *applause* The foursome had great fun nonetheless but had to ssshhh themselves up after being scolded by the hotel staff for laughing too loudly.

The next four days were spent in a church conference, the annual Oceania Conference. Every conference (she has been to three) is different and hence, impacts her in different ways. She had her heart-warming moments and her “what-am-I-doing-here?” flashes too. But overall, she likens it to an annual detoxing therapy, where she gets rid of the spiritual cobwebs in her life and polishes her spirit up for a new year.

Her escapade ended appropriately with a run with I-Fren who happened to be in her area today. They were supposed to meet up in the Coast over the weekend but a major breakdown in communication resulted in them going to different locations. But well, at least they got to jog eventually.

So there, a summary of her weekend. Will update with more details soon!

affair

My female owner visited her friend’s church today. This was partly due to the news she received yesterday which made her feel quite low.

She warmed to the service immediately, saying that it was more in line with her preferences (although I must say that my female owner is highly adaptable and she finds beauty in different styles ranging from the highly traditional Methodist “order of worship” to the independent free-style of contemporary churches). For the first time ever, my female owner toyed with the idea of leaving her current church for another church. Different strokes for different folks, not that one is better than the other. She almost convinced herself that she could do it (she felt as if she was having an affair actually), but a dinner with her church friends later in the evening made her realise that this would be easier said than done.

So it looks like she will stay with her current church for the time being, and not feed on her random impulses.

ecstatic

Been such a long while since I heard from my female owner. For a couple of days, I thought she disappeared from the surface of the earth and wondered seriously, if I (and the rest of us turtles) would ever see her again.

It turns out that she had been busy playing host to Second Onli Fren (or baby-sitting as she puts it). Things they did included eating at Nando’s (Potahto would be familiar with this), citycating along Brisbane River, photo-taking at Southbank, having ice-cream (growing fatter actually) there, baking muffins, making mango pudding, and nuaing at one of my female owner’s friends house, staying over and shopping (again!).

And she fitted all these into her regular schedule of school and work. No wonder she vanished into thin air!

To add to that, my female owner escaped Brisbane to Noosa Heads (north of Brisbane) for a getaway with her church friends over the weekend. 9 of them stayed over in a gorgeous villa on Friday night, each paying only $40 for that million dollar experience (comes with a heated pool cum jacuzzi) and awesome fellowship.

They were joined by 9 others on Saturday (the non-stayers) for a day at the beach. While waiting for the non-stayers to come, the first group went for a short bushwalk along the Coastal Trail where they were treated to scenic views of the beach and ocean. Unexpectedly, they even spotted a mother whale and her baby swimming by… and a koala high up in the eucalyptus tree. All these sightings for free! My female owner did not take any photos coz her friends had cameras and so, she said to check her FB for photos.

And, with that ecstatic high she experienced since Thursday morning, no wonder my female owner suffered an emotional crash on Saturday. She started to talk less and became quiet. It was so visible that her church friends wondered if she was ok. I think my female owner was socially over stimulated, if there’s such a condition.

Ah, fun times indeed. Now to settle the financial, emotional and time debts..

healthy

My female owner is tickled. In his usual weekly update for her bible study group, the leader included a new section on Staying Fit and Healthy. This was apparently sparked off by the number of casualties in the group in the previous week. It was just the way he wrote the section, and his thoughtfulness, that brought a smile to her face and warmed her heart.

Staying Fit and Healthy. I would like to encourage everyone of us to stay fit and healthy this winter. Last week we have a number of people fell sick. If we are physically sick, we will not be able to work or meet people, which means we will not be able to make an impact in people’s life. We are God’s ambassador on this earth, but we cannot function as an ambassador properly if we are bed-ridden. So how to stay fit and healthy:
a) Exercise regularly. Regular exercise helps regulate our heart beat and the flow of our blood. It also help strengthen our muscles. Please approach your doctor to find other alternatives if you think regular exercise will ruin your health.
b) Drink at least 2lt of water everyday.
c) Wear enough clothing to keep yourself warm this winter.
d) Eat enough to sustain you for the whole day (recommended 3 times a day of healthy diet - unless you are fasting).

Yeah, (c) was directed at her. Last Friday, she got chided by a number of people for taking off her sweater and not wearing socks.

long

For the first time since she went back to Brisbane, my female owner skipped church last Sunday. The observant reader would know that she was away at the Coast.

My female owner only told a couple of people beforehand that she would be away, on a need-to-know basis (e.g. they wanted to meet her on Sunday but she couldn’t). She didn’t expect any reactions from anyone and was surprised at some of the reactions.

One smsed her on Sunday itself, about dinner time, to ask if she was ok and if she would like to join them for steamboat at someone’s house. My female owner replied to say that she was at the Coast and assumed that the information was communicated to the rest of the group.

To her surprise, someone else smsed her on Monday to ask if she was ok since she didn’t see her on Sunday.

Yesterday, during prayer meeting, another tapped her from the back and exclaimed “so long never see you!” (my female owner was stunned coz she just saw him the previous Friday).

And the funniest took place today, when another one smsed to say that he hadn’t seen her for so long (but it had only been 5 days…) and asked if she had gone on holiday or something. He also expressed surprise that she was at the prayer meeting. My female owner was amused coz firstly, why would he be surprised, secondly, she spoke to him after prayer meeting and he didn’t ask her anything then.

But actually, 5 days can be a long time. My female owner did miss her church friends when she was at the Coast. Just weird, she says, being away from them.

release

This entry is long overdue. I meant to write it on 1st July, coz that marked the beginning of the second half of 2009. I wanted to do a traditional “half a year has flown by, let’s see what my female owner is up to” entry. Out of curiosity, I went back to the entries I made last year… and I realised that my female owner actually returned to Singapore on this day (4th july) for a two-weeks break.

My female owner can’t help but laugh at the irony of things. She was so busy last year that she had to squeeze out time to return home. This year, she had a clear-cut “free” period but didn’t capitalise on it to return home. Oh well.

She says that there is an old Chinese saying “旧的不去新的不来”. This means “old things don’t go, new things don’t come”. Hence, if she doesn’t release her Singaporean lifestyle, memories and habits, she cannot embrace new ones. It is very much like clothes. You need to clear your wardrobe once in a while in order to make way for new clothes. Now that my female owner is gaining more functional fats, she is taking a second look at her collection of clothes and realises that there are some stuff that were purchased as long ago as 2001! Time to discard those unwearables!

And she doesn’t want to spend her time in Brisbane, wishing for things she miss in Singapore and return to Singapore eventually, to regret not experiencing much of Brisbane/ Australia. Anyway, back to main topic of the night – review of 2009.

2009, as mentioned many times, is my female owner’s year of dedication to God. In truth, one should dedicate her entire life to God. My female owner is NOT saying that 2009 is the only year intends to dedicate to God. Rather, this is a year of renewal and refreshing, after so many years wandering and wondering in the wilderness.

When my female owner first attended her church services and programmes in 2008, she was taken aback by the love and devotion that people had for God. She remembered telling herself that she could never love God in such measure. This year especially, she started to understand and experience God’s love not only for this season of her life but through the years she was in Singapore. She started to fall in love again, with God.

My female owner struggles with being consistent in her walk with God. This is especially so, when she is preoccupied with things (she forgets or becomes too tired) or am feeling upset about things (she curls up and hibernates from everything including God). Even now, there are times when she doesn’t feel like going for bible study or church because something gets her down. Yet, she finds it easier to conquer her fleshy “nua-ness” and pull herself together. Christianity is not about doing things when you feel good. Pray, even when you don’t feel like it. It empowers you. Worship, even when you’ve got heaps of things to deal with. God is still faithful. Read the Bible, because it is God’s love letter to her. It brings LIFE.

In the recent past, she had been challenged several times to step out of her comfort (but dysfunctional) zone: to confront the demons of her past (call them out by names, and proclaim victory over them), to contribute more to her bible study group (rather than to sit back one corner and relac), to invest time in building godly relationships (despite her ambivalence). All these required her to act in spite of her passive personality and to make a conscious decision to be bold and proactive. Overcoming her nua-ness, through a greater revelation of God’s love, it is her personal dedication to God.

The second half of 2009 promises to be more hectic for my female owner in terms of schoolwork, personal and social life and churchwork. All the more she needs to depend on God for strength and to help her manage her time and resources more efficiently. Time to extend her tents.

exhausted

Yes, I know. I haven’t been updating this Turtle Pad. It has been hard to get hold of my female owner, even though her exam is over and things at her placement are winding down.

My female owner had been occupied with her church conference which started on Friday evening and ended this afternoon. Despite having a regular sleep pattern (12midnight to 0800hr), she reports being exhausted by the end of the conference. She reckons that it was partly because she was constantly surrounded by people. Hence, she used up lotsa energy being with people (sign of being an introvert) and the anti-social side of her is protesting at this overdrive.

She says too that she learnt a great deal over the weekend. So much that she can’t provide a decent summary. Hence, she needs some time to consolidate the learning points and pick out aspects to focus on.

For now, she is really exhausted. Her thoughts are swirling in her brain and her vision, foggy.

volumes

My female owner remembered the first time she attended her new bible study group (the working group) in Feb this year. Before she got to the house, she was already distressed by the journey she had to make. It was a short bus ride to a nearby suburb, but the peak hour traffic jam was excruciating. Reaching the house, my female owner was overwhelmed by the number of new faces she saw, in comparison to familiar people.

My female owner remembered asking herself why she chose to leave the student group when the location for bible study was just a ten minutes walk away from her house.

Four months on, my female owner says that she is very happy with the working group. There is a mutual fit, in terms of the group meeting her needs and her contributing to the group.

Already, my female owner can see what she is going to miss if she leaves this group. Yes, for the first time since she arrived in Brisbane, my female owner is publicly admitting to developing a fondness for this current season in her life.

The awesome bible study meetings on Friday. It never fails to amaze her that there is nearly full or full attendance every week for bible study and church service. These people are so committed to their faith and their example encourages her to strive forward too. The environment is simply so nurturing for growth and development.

The yummy dinners prepared by the food team before each meeting. You won’t believe what the members are able to prepare – bak ku teh, home-made deep-fried wantons, curry chicken, green bean soup, mango pudding, cakes!! etc. With foods like this, who needs to go back home to have them?

The spontaneous hanging out sessions on Saturdays and public holidays, often to catch the latest movies, dine at affordable Asian eateries, indulge in DVDs on large plasma TVs and even hotpots. Just simple fellowship with no strings attached and no dodgy agenda.

And most recently, the weekly guitar lessons that someone organised, so that more musicians can be trained up in the group. Not to mention the flow of fellowship, food and fun that saturates each gathering.

I think more importantly, the friendships have blessed my female owner greatly. People are genuinely supportive, caring and encouraging. My female owner needed a guitar and someone lent her one before she could even ask around. After service, she wanted a muffin from outside the lecture theatre but she was too lazy to fight the cold and someone went to get it for her after she made a passing request (my female owner actually feels bad about this). My female owner was cold and someone took off his scarf to lend her. When she was not feeling well and sneezing countless times, someone went to get a cup of hot water so that she could clear her system. She is having exams and someone arranged for her to be sent home early after gatherings so that she could study.

Just small gestures like this. But they speak volumes into her heart. Coz for my female owner, action speaks louder than words and besides quality time, act of service is her next love language.

blessed

My female owner says that it never rains but pours. There are some Saturdays where she would spend the whole day at home because she has no social appointments and there are some Saturdays where she is totally “socialised”.

Today is one such Saturday. In fact, a Saturday where she felt extremely blessed and taken care of. Her first appointment was at 0930hr. She walked over to a church friend’s house for some informal guitar class. She was quickly showered with food (snacks, cookies, instant noodles, tea) and engaging conversations by the occupants of the house. Guitar class was fun, with four people learning from one another. One person (Mr Nice Guy) left just before lunch to get something from his house in a nearby unit. He never returned.

He later called to say that he cooked lunch for everyone, so could they go over in ten minutes? Wow! And he is the Mister Chef of the bible study group. Yummy fried rice and potato cakes. So the four of them had impromptu lunch, watching Running in Heels on his widescreen TV.

Blessed by the lunch, my female owner then left for a BBQ birthday lunch party (chicken wings and mushrooms!) at South Bank. The birthday gal was her ex-bible study group member from the student group. People came and went and eventually, there were about 11 people who remained. 10 of them were from the student group (before it split three ways). My female owner had a great time just catching up with them over random silly topics (chest hair and third nipples?!) and yummy food (mango pudding and brownies!). That session left her with a “meeting up with old friends” kind of feeling. Because of the rare opportunity of meeting them in a group setting, my female owner decided not to watch Terminator (around the same place) with her current bible study group members (working group).

After the party ended, she dutifully went home to study and even had a three-way MSN chat with her Onli Frens while she was studying.…. but not for long.

The movie had also ended and her current bible study group friends called her out for dinner. Because she needed transport to wherever they were going, one driver came to fetch her. The heartwarming thing was, the driver was not even going for dinner. So he made a detour just to bring her to the others before heading home. Mr Nice Guy who was also in the car had no intention of going for dinner. But because the driver didn’t know the way to the dinner venue, he decided to go along for dinner in order to direct the way.

Dinner was nice, with a cosy group of friends. And to top it off, dessert at Sunnybank! What a blessed day, full of fellowship and yummy (home-cooked) food.

Okay, I think it is really time for her to study now.

weaknesses

My female owner just had a MSN conversation with Mr Squabbles (after a really long time). She found out that he had always credited my female owner and another friend (her Librarian Fren) for being the two persons who jumpstarted his return to God.

My female owner was astonished at his revelation. Two years ago (before Easter 2007), when she jioed the both of them to church, she was actually lost herself and simply trying to get some church kakis. At that time, my female owner was still attached but she was not being supported in her quest to rebuild her relationship with God. She asked the two of them coz they were relatively close and were fellow Christians who had stopped attending church for one reason or another. Well, after a shaky start, the three of them established a regular Sunday routine for a few months before Librarian Fren left Singapore to further her studies.

Ah, as what my female owner said, “God can work with our weaknesses and make something good out of them”. Happily, two years later, the three of them have made progress in their Christian walk. It warmed my female owner’s heart to learn too, that Mr Squabbles had been praying for the both of them. Without doubt, his prayers have made a difference to their lives.

accident

My female owner was involved in a 4-vehicle pile-up accident just now, on her way back from a church event. The 4th (taxi) driver hit the 3rd car which hit the car she was in, and then her car hit the first car.

Although no one was injured, the unexpected turn of events left her shaken and stunned.

The heart-warming thing was that some church people who were driving by, on their way home stopped to check if my female owner and her friends were ok. One of them even sent home the three girls who were in the backseat. My female owner chose to stay behind to support the driver. Other church members soon arrived to provide support and care. Some also called my female owner to ask about her. Such strong community spirit.

My female owner needs time to process this event. She is still in shock.

intense

My female owner has been pretty occupied lately, with her assignment deadlines coming up and her Second Onli Fren’s boyfriend being in town. Not to mention, she is putting in more time and effort to socialise with her bible study friends and praying/ reading the Bible more. Yes, no time for exercise!

Been an emotional and thought-provoking weekend for her. It started with the counselling session she had with someone from church (let’s call her Counsellor) through to Saturday where she went for a road-trip to Byron Bay (2 hour drive away.. in New South Wales actually) and God spoke to her through a rainbow and right up to Sunday night, where she had an impromptu catch-up session with her I-Fren. She had intense moments. Questions which bug her for years are being answered, not in a direct way but with answers which give her a peace of mind. Emotions bottled up for years were released openly and safely.

The beauty of retrospection is that you see how things connect. My female owner is beginning to see how the foundation that God started laying last year through different people and incidents helped her to be more receptive to the plans He has in store for her. Only now, my female owner sees how God used different individuals to carry the same message to my female owner (yes, she’s that kind of person who needs to be persuaded a few times before agreeing to trying something outside of her comfort zone).

There is no denying that God is a patient God. He prompts and He urges but never forces you to do anything you are not ready to. All this while, God has been waiting for my female owner to be ready and willing to re-dedicate her life to Him. My female owner has (happily) taken the first few steps of faith and slowly but surely, she will see Him moving in her life. The journey has just started.

pandemonium

My female owner finally recuperated from her accumulated sleep debt. Or at least, she “clocked the hours”. That’s why I can get some updates from her.

She says that she is fitting in better with her bible study group friends. For one, she introduced the art of impromptu mass-emailing and replying. This is a practice common in Singapore among close colleagues and friends. Or at least among her Impromptu Frens. One person sends an email regarding something. Someone (the catalyst) replies with a not-so-relevant comment. The ball of random replies starts to roll and the fun starts.

Apparently, her friends have never done such things before and they are highly amused by firstly, the mountain of emails which flooded their inbox and secondly, the witty correspondence. Imagine the pandemonium as 20 people try to add their 2-cents worth over email.

The group also went out for supper last night after bible study. Supper in Brisbane takes a different form because not many places are open after 2200hr. They ended up drinking bubble tea. Sitting around a small table, they spontaneously churned out topics to laugh and tease one another about. Been a super long time since my female owner had this type of brainless fun and laughter. Good for her.

restoration

Has been almost a decade since my female owner attended a church camp wholeheartedly, and not only that, went away being refreshed and recharged.

My female owner used to attend church camps with her ex and together with many/ several others, they would skip almost every teaching session and find their own entertainment to while their time away. Needless to say, the group of skippers gained nothing much from attending church camps.

This time, my female owner attended the annual Oceania Convention held over the Easter weekend at Philip Island. Altogether, there were about 850 attendees, coming from different parts of Australia and New Zealand. Their love and hunger for God rubbed off my female owner as once again, after such a long time, she returned to her first Love.

My female owner received several breakthroughs in her life. She said that it is too long to tell everything so this will be brief (I hope). Most significantly, God brought to surface, a deep-seated issue which she had not discussed with any mature Christian before. Through God’s gentle nudging and persistence from a leader, my female owner opened up for the first time in her life and began the process of healing and restoration of past hurts and experiences.

My female owner also received a greater revelation of what living by God’s words meant, as she began to find answers to some of the questions she had been pondering over. In addition, she was encouraged by the love overflowing from her bible study group members and the Christian community spirit among the church members. It was almost like heaven on earth, as everyone came together with one mind and spirit, simply to spend time in God’s presence to worship Him, learn more about Him and pray for one another.

Through the four days of intense spiritual immersion, my female owner was challenged and convicted by God to strive towards greater spiritual growth. She says that the best thing about God’s leading is that it is not followed by condemnation or guilt, but a sense of freedom and victory from the strongholds that once held you down.

life-changing

My female owner just got back from a six-day hiatus at Philip Island, Melbourne! That explains why I haven’t heard from her for as many days. She said very briefly that the getaway was a life-changing experience for her. You see, she attended a Christian convention where she just couldn’t get enough of learning about God and worshipping Him. Oh well, perhaps non-Christians may flinch at such a thought. Anyway, I will update more about the trip once I get more details.

excited

My female owner is getting excited about the upcoming Oceania Conference in Melbourne. She attended her first conference last year and was thoroughly blessed and refreshed from the intense spiritual renewal.

Looking back at the lessons and revelations from the previous OC, my female owner realises that she has moved on in varying degrees. Certainly she could have grown more, but in her busyness and natural neurotic self, she had allowed many things to drown her spirit and distract her over the past year. Yet, this past year had been the most meaningful in the last decade. There were spurts of spiritual growth, some periods of stagnation but certainly, the general direction is towards a closer relationship with God. A renewed experience of discovering the heart of God, His perfect nature and everlasting love.

My female owner still has many question marks about where her life is heading (??????) and she hopes to get a clearer picture through this period leading up to the OC and also during OC itself. She also has deep unresolved issues and parts of her life which she has to surrender to God (think MSN, emo-eating, dodgy thinking). This spiritual cleansing and submission will be worth it, she reckons. There is no turning back.

right

Having felt shortchanged about her current externship arrangements, my female owner has been praying to God to allow her to be “at the right place, at the right time” so that she will not have to struggle so much needlessly.

She found her first answered prayer today during bible school. One of the leaders called everyone who was going for a church conference next weekend (in Melbourne) into the bedroom as she wanted to give a short briefing. My female owner had been fretting over her miniature yellow backpack which might not be sufficient to hold all her warm clothes and had been wondering who would have a spare to loan her. Anyway, the briefing added another to-find item – a sleeping bag.

One of her friends suggested that she try to borrow a sleeping bag from someone who would not be going. My female owner was doubtful that she could coz firstly, a lot of people are going; secondly, a sleeping bag is not like toothbrush you know, it is not a common item.

Anyway, my female owner stopped the first bible study group member who was walking into the room just as she was about to leave the bedroom. She randomly popped the question: “do you have a sleeping bag?” He said, “yes, I have three, I can lend you”. Then my female owner pushed further, “erm… and a big backpack?” He smiled and nodded. "I will bring for you on Sunday."

Wow! At the right place, at the right time. My female owner found the things she needed even before she could step out of the bedroom. What an awesome provision. She even helped another sleeping bag seeker (who left the room earlier) obtain one from this member.

working group

Brisbane 2009 requires my female owner to adapt to new environments. One of the new things is her new bible study group. Some of you may know that she has opted to move to the working group, as opposed to staying with the student group she was in last year.

Student group was the first bible study group she attended regularly, in a space of seven years. Oh wait, she did attend her Onli Fren’s hubby’s group for a while when she was working.

Anyway, although she did not feel a great sense of loss last year during the farewell party, my female owner (call it delayed response) started to feel a sense of attachment towards the individuals in the Student group, when she returned to church on Sunday and saw them again.

And she started to doubt her decision to move to the Working group. Staying in the Student group would have been an easier option for her. Established friendships, common life-styles, and even, nearer meeting places for their weekly bible study! Moving to a new group causes my female owne to fret over uncertainties and instability.

With these issues brewing in her heart and mind, my female owner made her way to the Working group for the very first time, in a different suburb plagued by the notorious evening traffic jam.

It’s like starting all over again for her as she doesn’t know more than half of the people in the group. Making small talk. Finding out their backgrounds. Introducing herself. Making MORE small talk. Undoing previous experiences. Trying to adjust to new group dynamics and culture. Wondering why she made things difficult for herself. I can’t blame her for wishing she was with the Student group who were baking yummy muffins tonight.

Yet, despite her reservations and awkwardness, my female owner believes that she made the right decision. She can't say that she left the place feeling totally comfortable or at home, but she is willing to give herself time and space to adjust. After all, they are all fellow church friends.