Time passes slowly, giving me the opportunity to savour life, ponder on its mysteries and question their meanings with those who would pause for a moment in their busy lives, to have a cup of coffee with me.
Sunday, November 30, 2008
pay
Wow. It’s true. When you have less, you spend less.
terror
There are many reasons why the news hit her hard, no doubt, possessing similar demographics is one. Looking at the victim’s Friendster account, my female owner had no doubt that the victim was an ordinary Singaporean who went about life minding her own business , just that she was caught in the wrong place at the wrong time and the scent of life was sniffed out from her abruptly. No one would ever expect her to die as Singapore’s first terrorist hostage victim.
Another reason is because of my female owner’s previous work. What was once theoretical knowledge gleaned from case studies, trainings and role-plays have now become reality. No amount of training can adequately prepare one to deal with the harsh realities, cruelty and consequences of terrorism.
My female owner received a further shock to her system when she stumbled upon a video recording of a gunshot scene in Mumbai. Hey, the gunshots she heard were real, the bleeding hand belonged to a human being, capable of feeling pain and shock, the chaos experienced by countless caught on film was real. No longer an enactment for a stupid training video or a thing of distant history. This is fresh, real-time happenings. No denying the trauma being inflicted directly on the victims at the scene and scores of secondary victims.
Confronted with the fragility of life, the uncertainty of tomorrow and the brevity of peace, how would you choose to live your present life?
Certainly by not revisiting the memories of the past and wishing you can rework the regrets and mistakes, or foretelling the future and hoping that things will change for the better, but by relishing in the gift of the present, by embracing whatever that life has to offer, because cliché as it sounds, it is not how long you live, but how you live your life.
It’s a choice that lies within everyone.
Saturday, November 29, 2008
finger
My female owner finally managed to put a finger to the feeling she has been having regarding going back to Singapore. For a while, she had been wondering why she was feeling blue about leaving Brisbane (the way she felt blue weeks before leaving Singapore to go to Brisbane in Feb this year). She was confused about her feeling coz she knew that she wasn’t sad to “leave Brisbane behind”. (If she is, I would be really upset! That Singapore had been so quickly replaced by Brisbane!)
Today, she finally realised that the feeling she is having is the same as when she was leaving her first job. Many people will cite the last week of their job as being relaxed to the point of just “clocking in the hours” just before they leave. My female owner had resigned from her first job in a rush (to join her second company) and within that one month, she rushed to complete obligations, tidy up her files and prepare for handover.
This is the situation my female owner is facing now. She will be back in less than two weeks’ time. Before she leaves, she has to complete the following:
- Prepare for her practical exam (and pray that she passes all four stations or risk delaying her programme)
- Submit her Internship Folio (believe me when I say it’s a mountain of paperwork)
- Read up on her research data and look at the data (by 1 Dec in fact)
- Do some RA work (i.e. call up people to do follow-up with them)
- Continue to see her clients and other routine clinic work
- Pack her room and move her things to her friend’s house (packing means sorting out her school notes, clothes and other what-have-you into boxes)
- Consolidate a training manual for a children’s programme
- Dedicate one day to a church’s event
- Dedicate a night of celebration or drowning her sorrows (depending on whether she passes her practical exam)
Note: In the midst of all these, she has no time to exercise but has plenty of time to snack.
Friday, November 28, 2008
predictions
Predictions for 2009:
The dreaded duchess will reappear again to engage us in warfare once more next year - albeit in different disguises.. I believe [Therapist] will be one who has an international background with plenty of mental issues whilst [Singapore Fren] yours was one who was very calculative. I believe [Female Owner]'s duchess will appear in 2010 in the guise of a person with multiple personalities...
these are my predictions for the year ahead as we wind down to a well-deserved break in 2008. 2009 will toss us mountains of challenges to conquer, it will also bring us joy, happiness and that dash of optimism, but only if we are astute enough to see it. But once you have, 2009 will bring rainbows even in the midst of the darkest clouds.
for the latest predictions for your future, please make an appointment with me in Singapore in dec and jan.
yours sincerely,
[Therapist]-the-jester-part-time-oracle
fee
She had prayed to get this scholarship and although she didn’t get it, and did ask God why, she was not sorely upset or disappointed. It was more like, sheesh, now she has to go back to Papa-mama scholarship.
She tried to convince her Onli Fren to invest in her education with promises of free psychological services, neuropsychological assessments and parenting programmes. Onli Fren came up with a compromise – that she will “feed” her when they spend time together in Singapore.
Then my female owner started to wonder why she didn’t have 48 000 friends. Coz if she has, she can ask each one to donate $1 to her education fund.. and that will cover her remaining school fees.
Thursday, November 27, 2008
hamster
The places she shuttles to and fro are the two clinic receptions, the computer room, the numerous clinic rooms, the pantry and the washroom. And they are all located on the same level, within a building that is circular. Hence, the hamster bit.
You know, I secretly think that she is clocking such long hours, so that she can avoid exercising. She is so good at replacing an undesirable activity with something that seems more important.
But I must say that she has been productive. Within these few days, she closed 7 client files, completed 3 neuropsych reports, clocked 8 client hours, did some real therapy during some of those sessions, tidied up client files (which cannot be closed), submitted a new research proposal, clocked some RA hours etc etc.
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
first
They say that your first love is usually the sweetest and most memorable. Given that my female owner only ever had two boyfriends before and that the second one was a long and painful relationship, it doesn’t take much for anyone to conclude that her first love was indeed her sweetest relationship.
However, to be fair to First Love, it is sweet not just because the other sucks (now I sound like my female owner eh?). There were many other factors too, like the innocent of youth; the times they spent together in each other’s company doing simple things like Maths tutorials (?!), eating fries at Mos Burger, hanging out in school; his personality; his generosity; his humour; his physical fitness (although he was shorter than her, he was fit - always attractive to my female owner) and even his bubbly handwriting. That was a period when they were still growing up, where the future was filled with many possibilities and where there was no time pressure to “establish your career”, “save up enough money for….”.
Of course, with great passion came great emotional outbursts. As quickly as they came together, they started to have frequent quarrels. I think it has something to do with the close physical proximity and extended time spent together – same class, study together after school till late, live in same suburb, same church (he went to church because of her).
Anyway, my female owner has been looking at his photos on FB recently and mused that he is no longer as cute as he used to be. But of course, everyone ages, even the cute ones. Come December, First Love is expecting his first child with the girl he got attached to after breaking up with my female owner.
My female owner hopes that it will be a boy… who will be as cute as his dad (and charm even more girls than his dad when he grows up…)
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
fling
Sighz.. this is the first time in her XX years of wearing lenses that she lost both sides so quickly. In fact, the closest she came to in the past was losing one side..
A short fling indeed. 4 months.
Sunday, November 23, 2008
real
She dreamt of us yesterday during one of her rare afternoon naps. Or rather, she dreamt that she had not seen us for a long time and in her dream, it was possible for her to visit us (i.e. we lived just down the street or something). The possibility and accessibility to us was so real, that she woke up disappointed... and somewhat sianz..
Awww…
Why do people choose to leave… when saying goodbye is so hard?
Do Try
Please try to pick up the pen lying on the table there next to you.
(Most clients will pick it up).
No, I didn’t say to pick up the pen. I said to try to pick up the pen. Please, again, try to pick up the pen.
(At this point, clients typically either pick up the pen again or move their hand close to it, hovering over it, as if their hand were paralysed.)
No, I didn’t say move your hand toward the pen and then stop. I said try to pick up the pen. Can you do it, or is it simply the case that you either choose to pick up the pen or choose not to? What if trying to ask our boss for that raise we’ve talked about is like trying to pick up the pen?
No! Try not. Do. Or do not. There is no try. [Yoda]
Thursday, November 20, 2008
gross
Omigod. So gross.
The sink was choked with large pieces of food and uncleared remnants of food packaging and containers were scattered around the kitchen. And not to mention, the mouldy cheese, wrinkled lemon and kiwis, forgotten and liquefied Krispy Kremes that she saw simply by opening up the refrigerator. She don’t even dare to open the chiller compartment which contains vegetables or perhaps, rotting vegetables.
Simply unbelievable.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
switch
Anyway, she also caught the procrastination bug (full-blown). Now, she tends to start work the night before on things she needs to get done for the next day. How heroic! What if someone jio her out for an impromptu activity? Then how is she going to complete her work?! She is certainly over-estimating her ability this time.
After that horrible research paper she submitted recently (and getting a 6 for it and being so upset about it) and a few mishaps yesterday which got her into some hot soup, my female owner decided today to discard (my female owner actually used a vulgarity here… but I insisted on using clean language. It’s my turtle pad after all!) the original research proposal and change to something she has NOT developed interest in. She hopes that she will日久生情 (develop feelings through time). She made the switch because her research supervisor has ready data for her (i.e. she skips the horrible step of recruitment) and she can streamline her workload (since she is most likely going to be his RA working on the same topic anyway). So she gets paid working on her thesis and learning from someone who is a researcher and a practitioner.
Is this called working smart or what? My female owner has reached an age where she is willing to give up frivolous ideals for the convenient reality. Call it mellowing down or jaded. Right now, she rather give up her SM tendencies (doing things the hard way) just so that she can live life properly.
Monday, November 17, 2008
unscathed
9 months on, she realises that she is so wrong. Getting into the programme no doubt is difficult, but surviving the programme is a totally new ball game.
Not many will go through the programme unscathed. My female owner dare say that all will have, at many points suffered the following: bruised egos, periods of self-doubt, wandering in darkness and blindness, intense emotions such as fear, frustration and helplessness, weight loss (or weight gain), insomnia, panda-looking eyes, regrets and wishful thinking, financial difficulties, pierced spirits, poor health, feelings of being hypocritical and inadequate.
Oh no.. I’m starting to sound so gloomy.. anyway, my female owner has been yearning for home-baked double chocolate chip cookies. She realises (and I’m not surprised at this) that under extreme stress or anxiety, her body cries out for unhealthy food to soothe the mental and emotional upheaval. Healthy foods and exercise do not seem to help.
Given her current bout of stress, I bet she is going to bake another batch soon. And out with the Biggest Loser Competition she is having with her Potahto Fren!
Sunday, November 16, 2008
more
Also, because it’s end of semester, my female owner wants to spend more time with her friends (you know, get a life, have a life concept?!). While she is happy doing that, there is still this big nag at the back of her mind that she could be spending the time doing her work. Although my female owner refuses to be a slave to her work, her work conscience screams out so loudly at her, it makes her feel anxious, worried and upset.
My female owner realises that she is a good starter, sustainer… but a poor finisher. To her, being a poor finisher of tasks and goals is as good as not starting, since you don’t accomplish what you set out to do. A good example is the way she exercises. She starts ok, goes on without stopping (if possible) but slows down at the end, precisely because she is reaching the end and knows that the end is within reach.
Oh dear.. I think the pre-going home jitters is getting to her. So many things to do, in so little time. Or maybe she just needs some yummy chocolate chip cookies!
Saturday, November 15, 2008
flown
Anyway, my female owner had lunch with a Singaporean friend whom she knew only because she was going to Brisbane. The friend also went to Brisbane to do a postgrad in mental health. The difference is that, this friend is going home for good in two days time! Her programme is markedly shorter (1.5 years), with the third being long-distance learning.
My female owner was confronted with how quickly time had flown. It seemed like just yesterday (Feb) when they first met as fellow Singaporeans in big, unfamiliar Brisbane. Memories of times spent together flooded her mind - the meals they had when they were not too busy to meet up; the different places they explored together; the snacks they gave each other when they met; the support and connection they had, simply by being in the same predicament, and same age etc. All of a sudden, it was time to say goodbye to a fellow comrade (ok, I’m being a bit too dramatic here). It's just unbelieveable, how quickly time flew by... The ups and downs the friend experienced are finally over (sort-of).
My female owner also couldn’t help but wonder how she would feel when it is time for her to bid farewell to Brisbane.
Cheers to the good memories!
suppressed
Anyway, talking to him, my female owner realised that she had suppressed so many unhappy memories and experiences of that period, to the point that she couldn’t remember the people who were in her team during the deployment, the kind of fun (or anguish) they had as a team, the specific episodes that “made her face turn black”, the stupid decisions that she had to implement etc.
She only remembered global things – that I fell sick (and that she had so many friends who came round to support her), that she was activated at night and left pretty much in the lurch to kick in crisis intervention for a distraught family and groups of colleagues, that she fell out with her bosses over differences in ethical views, that the period was the last straw that broke her back and caused her to say no to her organisation.
bonds
Her bible study group has been a tremendous source of support and stability for my female owner. Although she is always gripping about how young they are, or rather, how conscious she is of the huge age-gap between them and her (and hence, the difference in frequency, interests and needs), she knows that at the end of the day, the group had blessed her more ways than she had blessed them.
Yet, at the same time, she has not developed a strong enough bond to the group. So even though the group is going to split, she doesn’t feel a great sense of loss or reluctance. To her, it is like another stage of life where everyone moves on but still remains largely as friends (or like what some might say, people who leave footprints in your life).
Perhaps 8 months is really too short to feel sad about such things. After all, my female owner and Potahto knew each other as colleagues for more than a year, before they started getting close. Some bonds just need time to develop.
deficits
She absolutely cannot remember several recent past events. It is like things go by her in a flash and even when she try to recall whether she has done certain things, she can’t even find a trigger to help her trace back.
Next, her short-term memory is malfunctioning too. She would set the water to boil on the stove but forget all about it as soon as she goes to her room. By the time she remembers, half the water would have evaporated or her innocent housemates would have switched off the stove for her.
Sometimes she says things in auto pilot, without really processing her thoughts. So things go by, without her really knowing what’s happening. She also finds that her processing speed is slowing (i.e. she is not as quick-thinking or as bright as before).
She described herself as being caught in a big bubble that dulls her hearing, dims her sight and dampens her cognitive functioning.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
compounded
Come today, she hadn’t resolved the issues he raised during the meeting (coz she didn’t do anything to resolve them after the meeting). However, she received her grade for the Research Methodology course. This was the awful paper she submitted a few weeks ago.
This is where things get complicated (for me). My female owner expected that she might get a “6” (distinction) and in worst case, a “5”. So a “7” (high distinction) is a bonus. When she found out that as predicted, she got a “6”, she became upset that she got a “6”!
And now, she is upset that she is upset that she got a 6, coz she feels that this is really just a small issue, in the larger scheme of things. But hey, if her life had revolved only around school, won't that make that 6 a bigger than usual issue?
She figured that the 6 simply compounded the sunken feeling she had yesterday about her research.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
slow life
Quite obviously not. Thankfully, Potahto had the foresight to take a photo of the surprise and what a surprise it was!
Check it out! The turtle was created with this blog in mind.
Sad to say, its whereabouts is in question... Hopefully it will make it to my female owner's home before she leaves for Singapore!
Monday, November 10, 2008
grace
First, her Potahto Fren (haven’t been writing about her for a long time) pointed her into the direction of a potential part-time job which she can fit into her schedule while she is back in Singapore (eh, I thought my female owner is supposed to be on holiday!). The person liaising with my female owner turned out to be a previous intern at her former workplace! Although it is not certain if she’ll get the job, my female owner is thankful for the opportunity. At least there is hope, as she puts it.
Second, she had a nice chat with Mr Squabbles who shared about Jesus being one's sole focus in life (sounds so goody-two-shoes suddenly!).
Third, her mother emailed her to say that God led her to attend a talk on Lasik (which soothed her anxiety) and to speak to an Assoc Prof about it. This in turn opened the way for my female owner to undergo Lasik during the short time she is back in Singapore and yet, get follow-up sessions in Australia!
Fourth, although her night client seemed like she was not going to cancel her appointment, she had to in the end (God answered my female owner’s desperate prayers). This allowed my female owner to stay home and have more time to revise for her examination.
Fifth, she received two things in the mail. A VCD on aikido sent by the LARS couple weeks ago (tsk tsk to the snail mail, but always nice to get something from back home) and a Executive Dean’s Commendation congratulating her for her good results last semester. Arriving on the eve of her examination, the latter made it in the nick of time to remind my female owner not to rest on her laurels. It also reminded her of God’s grace and provision, shining through her weaknesses and lack (i.e. her poor memory, long break from studying, battles with home-sickness and other issues).
Cheers!
Sunday, November 09, 2008
gem
Nonetheless, my female owner felt that they have reached a stage where they are secure in the strength of their friendship. Hence, long silences do not represent a drifting apart of their emotional ties. Rather, they signal the confidence both parties have in each other, knowing that they can depend on each other when the situation calls for it.
Hmm.. Old friends are like gems… They add sparkle to your life.
testimony
You see, she was scheduled to share a testimony in her bible study group last Friday. Last Sunday, when she found out that she had to share a testimony, her first reaction was reluctance (because she is anti-social and don’t like to talk about personal issues) and then, bo-pian, knowing that she has no way out, she asked God what she should share.
God told her to share about how He brought her through the healing process from her previous BGR and the biblical lessons she learnt. My female owner was lagi more reluctant to talk about that and she cried (quietly) as she wrestled with God about this. And she avoided preparing for testimony for the whole week, hoping that she might find something else to talk about.
Come Friday, she conceded that she should obey God and at 1800hr, started to organise her thoughts (bible study starts at 1900hr). My female owner couldn’t get the words to flow smoothly and in her struggle, she actually teared. She finally left it half worked out because she felt God saying that He would help her find the words when it was time to share.
And so, she went ahead with the testimony during bible study, saying upfront that she was not willing to share this! Anyway, by the end of bible study, two people came up to her to share about their similar experiences while two others told her that it was a powerful testimony. My female owner was truly amazed at the response.
One of them spoke to her again today and told her that while she was sharing, he felt God’s presence very strongly and that God was speaking directly at him. While his spiritual mentor had not been able to persuade him on certain issues, my female owner’s testimony convicted his heart and caused him to start doing certain things.
Ah, the power of obedience to God. My female owner was stunned at how God had used her (unknowingly, coz she didn’t think that anyone would be impacted by her testimony).
Saturday, November 08, 2008
memories
One year passes by so quickly.
One thousand memories later, she’s in the midst of living a life that she had been dreaming of, for more than five years.
Although she doesn’t know where she is headed to after she graduates, my female owner realises that the journey is more exciting than the destination. Hence, she is going to create thousands of thousands memories during this journey.
Stay tuned.
alone
My female owner wonders how she is going to fund the next three months of her life. Her tutor pay stops this week, meaning that from next week onwards, she has to once again, rely on her mother’s financial support for her daily expenses/rent/misc. Credit to her, my female owner actually got through the entire semester without using her mother’s money.
Going back to Singapore, she has absolutely no money to call her own (is the government going to hand out anymore money?!). She had given her mother all her money when she was preparing to go over to Brisbane earlier this year. Everything she spends will therefore be out of a goodwill fund from her mother. That means that she cannot afford to splurge or indulge (maybe this will help her stay out of trouble. Haha!) To support herself and maintain some sense of independence, my female owner doesn’t mind doing some part-time work to tide over for the period she will be in Singapore. Anyone got any lobang? I need to advertise, coz she needs money to stock up on our food too! (This is called forward planning.)
Ah, I suppose this would be a nice time to have a boyfriend…
Friday, November 07, 2008
skip
A very good example would be during her junior college days when she struggled with every single subject she took. Almost everyday, she studied with her then-boyfriend at fast food joints. She remembered times when she would prepare for a test the next day while he would be doing a tutorial that was long overdue. And he would end up doing well for the test while she barely passed.
Such is the difference between natural ability and man-made efforts.
Anyway, she received the results for her written assignments for the module she is studying for today. (These were the assignments which caused her a great deal of stress a few weeks ago, because the module is double-weighted). While she didn'd do too badly as compared to others in the class, she lost enough marks to disqualify herself for a "7". She also realised that even without going for the examination, she would get a "4" for the module and still maintain a GPA of above 5.5.
Ah, maybe she should just skip the examination and move on with life.
anger
Both my female owner and I have learnt that growing older does NOT protect one from behaving like a teenager. Neither does pursuing a postgrad in psychology.
After a long time of not feeling so “intense”, my female owner experienced what she called the “maddest day of her life in Brisbane” today. Cutting a super long story (of grievances short), she was very angry with her second clinical supervisor (Mr Dubious).
She didn’t realise how emotionally aroused she was until her Therapist called her for a random chat (such uncanny timing, given that her Therapist had been MIA for almost a week). Blurting out her anger, my female owner soon found herself in tears over the situation. And shortly after, she was laughing and crying at the same time, much to her confusion (my female owner later found out that she was probably having hypoxia).
My female owner realised that the more she ventilated, the angrier she became. She ended so annoyed that she decided to camp in school to pretend to do some work after her last client appointment ended at 2030. She just didn't want to go home to a house full of people (there are 5 other people in her house now) and force herself to make small talk when it is not in her nature to do so. She just wanted to be herself (which is not talking to anyone if she doesn't want to).
While her Intuitive Fren (who spent some time dissecting her emo outburst) felt that it was odd of her to do that ("if you can only be yourself when you are alone, then how would people know the real you?"), her Onli Fren (who also tried to hear her out despite her competing priority) felt that it was perfectly understandable ("this is the -female owner's name- I know!"). The MSN exchanges were helpful in reducing her angst to a more acceptable level.
To top the night off, her Impromptu Frens called her for a chat. Again, another round robin catch-up with everyone in the group.
How to stay upset, when there are so many friends to lift your spirits??
Wednesday, November 05, 2008
blonde
Given that he is one of her first contact with a male Aussie blonde, my female owner has almost sworn off Aussie guys.
All guys are bad. ALL. GUYS. ARE. BAD.
Includes everyone, of the male species, still true in the present, not an historical fact, that they are NOT good.
Okay, I think she is catastrophising and really mad.
Tuesday, November 04, 2008
bujinkan
The class had about 8 students and one instructor and training was conducted in an open grassland under the moonlight. A short distance away from that grassland were some sheep and cows (some of my female owner’s favourite animals). How romantic and rustic! Almost everyone wore black, adding to the flavour of street-fighting training (think ninjas in training!).
My female owner later found out that she was learning the art of bujinkan, a lesser known Japanese martial art. She found the style was very different from aikido, being more aggressive, involving kicks and opposing the opponent’s attack/ strength, rather than flowing with it. My female owner definitely had fun tumbling around last night (I told you she is trying to lead a more “normal” life now).
The only thing was that she ended up with some skin rash on her elbow and her ankle today.. courtesy of her ambivalent allergy to grass.
creaks
The scary thing that came out of the strengthening routine is that she notices that her knee creaks everytime she extends it.. and she can feel things (bones? cartilage?) moving beneath her knee cap. Try to imagine slotting in the wrong key into a key-hole and you can still turn the key but not open the door. It’s that kind of feeling.. strange movements felt and heard in the unseen.
Monday, November 03, 2008
knee
Maybe some updates about my female owner. She went walking/ jogging with her housemate today. Didn’t perspire much because they covered a short distance. So when she reached home, she decided to do some of the exercises Mr Physio “prescribed” her (there were 7!!). It was good that her housemate acted as the resistance for one of the exercises. And the housemate did feel the difference between her two legs, with one being more in control than the other.
Ordinarily, my female owner is NOT one to be consistent with exercising or routines. But because Mr Physio took the trouble to go to her house to work out her problem and work through the different exercises with her despite having examinations round the corner, my female owner felt that she cannot 对不起 him. So she decided that she has to do those exercises regularly.
Ah, see how long she can last this time!
Saturday, November 01, 2008
physio
Today, she had an opportunity to ask another physio fren about her knee. Because they had time, Mr Physio (also one of her jogging kakis) was able to spend some time figuring out her knee problem. He diagnosed her problem as m……… Yes. My female owner wasn’t bright enough to remember the condition, or to even write it down. According to him, the lining between the knee joints might have torn because of the high impact activities she used to do.
He also assessed her left leg muscles (specifically the inner thighs) as being weaker than her right leg muscles, and demonstrated some exercises that would help to strengthen those muscles (my female owner was even instructed to write them down) and tone her body (haha!). Happily, he also assured her that operations are not common occurrences.
Ah, for once, my female owner is the client. She had a taste of being questioned about her symptoms (and found that she was not able to express herself clearly), being taught rehabilitation skills (now she understands that value of a therapist doing something alongside with the client), being clueless about what to expect (and so the therapist should be confident and reassuring), receiving a diagnosis (in a layperson point of view), gathering evidence (which convince her of the problem) and even discussing about homework compliance!