alone

My female owner had been feeling alone in her battle with Theseus. Alone coz she doesn’t openly share her distress with people (after all, it is only a thesis and there are bigger issues, like poverty and natural disasters, in the world to deal with) and may honestly share a little when people ask her how she is coping (otherwise, it’s the polite “yup, its tough but I will get there” response). And because she is socially withdrawing from people, it increases her aloneness. She spends her time in her room (closed door), frantically reading and typing away. She doesn’t come out to chat with her housemates (hasn’t seen them properly for days). She avoids big social gatherings. Her choice of social interactions has been narrowed down to uni friends (coz she feels they can understand her pain without her saying too much) or one-on-one appointments with selected church mates (who ask to meet her). She hides on MSN. She hasn’t been able to sleep properly, either being unable to fall asleep, or when she does, wake up several times in the night. And she has been so frustrated with this that she has considered taking sleeping pills. Alas, she is not one for medication. She has conflicting thoughts and feelings about her situation and most definitely, she is upset with herself for being upset about something as simple and straightforward as writing a thesis. Ah, another one of her "I SHOULDN"T be feeling this way" traps.

Adele - Make You Feel My Love - Lyrics

balance

My female owner had been striking a reasonable balance between Theseus and personal time-out over the week (in her opinion – considering that she completed a paper and watched two movies, all episodes of Masterchef, had dinner with Mr S three times, coffee twice, jogging once, shopping once, lunch with uni friends once). As usual, she felt that she could have done more, but nonetheless, a good start for a cerebrally intense July. Unlike last weekend, she declared this weekend as Getaway WITH Theseus. She intends to work really hard (and efficiently) on her General Introduction and aims to write about 10000 words (how many blog entries is that?). Already, she had made progress in the right direction by firstly, coming up with the skeletal framework of the introduction (and discussion) and secondly, transferring all her existing references to Endnotes (whatever that is, too high-level for a domestic turtle to interpret). Now all she has to do is to keep writing, reading and thinking. Her goal for today is 1500 words and she has 491 words already. Sounds like progress.

platonic

Ever since Mr S and my female owner cleared the air about their status on Tuesday, my female owner felt a sense of liberation about their relationship. It is as if they can now freely interact with each other without second-guessing intentions and motivations, without any strings attached and instead, enjoy a true platonic friendship. They must have felt even more comfortable now, coz they had no qualms about meeting impromptuly for a late-night movie last night – meeting three days in a row! Once again, he would drive about 45mins to get to her house and send her home in the exact opposite direction of his house (think north and south) from their favourite cinema but that is his prerogative, with no ulterior motives on his part.

My female owner says that knowing him had been good for her (she is not sure if the feeling is mutual but he has also acknowledged that he values the friendship). Amidst all her friends in Brisbane, he is one of the few who could relate to her emotionally and psychologically with ease and confidence. He also availed himself when she was emo and directly labelled her feelings when she could not bring herself to do so. It helps also that he is older than her coz it’s like a breath of fresh air, being able to tap into his years of experience and wisdom, instead of putting up with erm…. I shall not go on lest I offend anyone.

race

My female owner aims to complete Paper 3 today. Her supervisor is going away for two weeks this Saturday and she hopes to submit something to him before he leaves. Never mind that he might not have the time to read the paper before he leaves (he is apparently still sitting on Paper 2). It is just one of the time pressures she created for herself in order to get moving on Theseus.

She finally realised or accepted that working on Theseus is really a solo expedition. A journey she has to undertake, endure and complete by herself. While she has many friends cheering her on the sidelines (and she is very grateful for their tireless support), they are in no position to assist with the technicalities and the difficulties she might face. It’s an endurance race to the finish. A race she claims as her own. And she has every intention to finish a winner.

triggered

My female owner had an emo day, being triggered by past memories. She met Mr S for coffee in uni and he asked her the inevitable “you look unhappy today, what’s wrong?”

She struggled, but eventually got some old stuff off her chest. Took a long time. Not that he was able to do anything but just sit with her until she was ready to move on. Then he kindly offered to meet her afterward for dinner, because she didn’t want to go home and interact with too many people (there was going to be a jogging group tonight).

For this, she is grateful.

express

My female owner had the most interesting conversation with Mr S tonight. Quite unexpected actually. They went out for a movie and then he suggested going for a hot drink. They ended up somewhere in Milton which was the Little Paris of Brisbane.

Anyway, the conversation started casual. And then it turned deep quite quickly when he asked about certain incidents that happened on Saturday (the day they went hiking) and later commented that my female owner had been “too nice” and he felt uncomfortable about how she was constantly giving in to him. Finally, he grinned and said he needed to ask her a question. The question was about whether she thought there was anything more to the friendship. My female owner said she thought of them as friends. Happily, he also cleared the air and established that they are only friends.

The conversation then geared back towards my female owner’s personality – her indecisiveness, her difficulty in communicating emotionally (or being guarded, even unintentionally) and her tendency to accommodate others etc. it is hard to capture the exact flow of the discussion but the essence was the same perennial issues that her closer psychologically minded friends had previously raised to her on many occasions. My female owner couldn’t believe that her past (or rather buried present) had come back to haunt her.

Mr S was extremely patient and reassuring during the conversation (counsellor mode?), and while it was difficult for her to express herself properly/ adequately, my female owner found the face-to-face context refreshing and therapeutic, coz it brought her out of her comfort zone and made her confront many issues (in vivo) which she had been avoiding or given less thought about.

So much food for thought. I wonder what my female owner would do next.

GATW

My female owner had her inaugural Get Away from Theseus Weekend last weekend. It probably started on Friday arvo when she went to watch a movie cum dinner with Mr S. And ended off Friday with a trip to the dessert store with some of her church friends.

Then on Saturday, Mr S and her went to Mount Warning (in New South Wales – so she went interstate!), a World Heritage rainforest park for some steep mountain climbing. Was the most challenging she ever done with any of her hiking buddies. But extremely rewarding she said, for the paranomic views on the mountain top. She would have remained on the top for hours if she could. It helped tremendously that Mr S was well-organised and took care of safety aspects of this climb, making it more pleasant for my female owner (think protective gloves to counter huge metal chains).

They then made impromptu stops along the way home (2hrs drive) for coffee and dinner. My female owner also witnessed her first partial lunar eclipse and was thrilled by the phenomenon.

Sunday started off leisurely. My female owner read her book (Eat, Pray, Love). Then she went out with one of her housemates for an impromptu shopping spree at their favourite outdoor shop (Kathmandu) and their favourite coffee joint (Campos Coffee). Despite taking their own sweet time, they made it to church in good time. After service, they went home for a dinner of leftovers (which they were happy about coz they had so much food in the fridge). My female owner’s perfect day ended with an episode of Masterchef and more reading.

Her verdict was that she should schedule in more GATWs to keep her motivation level up. I agree too!

housewife

My female owner says that she has become a full-time housewife with effective from yesterday.

Firstly, she successfully terminated flute with no drama. Congratulations on that. Everyone at her dinner party was happy and gleeful for her. So this means no more obligation to practice flute when she doesn’t feel like it and spending half a day travelling to and fro for lessons. And of course, saving about $43 each week (note to her: to redo budgeting again!)

Secondly, a bonus, there is no group therapy for the next four weeks. She cannot thank God enough for this, especially since her supervisor would be away for four sessions and my female owner is expected to take those sessions.

No more group therapy on Tues and Thurs. No more flute on Thurs. That means, no commitments for the next four weeks. So my female owner, can, in theory, stay home 5 days a week and be a full-time housewife. In theory, that is. (another note to her: to establish another routine so that she can complete Theseus asap)

match-making

My female owner meant to spend at least three hours with Theseus today but she ended up doing other things for other people.

She spent 4.5hours formatting 200 powerpoint slides for her technologically-challenged-old-enough-to-be-her-father research supervisor. 2 hours grocery shopping for tomorrow’s house dinner. 30mins to help mum with her conference abstract. 1 hour to practice flute. 1.5 hours to watch Masterchef. 1 hour to chat with friends, emails , FB etc, okay, make that two hours. Hmmm… and the day is gone!

Poor Theseus. Very neglected and unhappy. And my female owner has massive R&R plans for the weekend, starting tomorrow.

Thurs: Toowong, Final flute lesson (by hook or by crook), House dinner (apparently to celebrate her stopping flute lessons - obviously assuming that she would be assertive enough!)
Fri: Maybe movies with Mr S (I think I should call him Mr S from now on, Fated Guy sounds so misleading)
Sat: If weather permits, bush walking with Mr S
Sun: Lunch at Campos Coffee with housemate, church

Okay, I think she needs to start prioritising Theseus come next Monday. You must understand that it’s not love at first sight for them, but rather, an awkward match-making attempt by the above-mentioned supervisor.

jabez

Many of you know that my female owner’s name means “bad omen”. She spent some moments in her life wondering how she ended up with such a horrible name. Anyway, she learnt recently about a character in the bible – Jabez. His name was mentioned only three times in the bible but the prayer he made is a famous one.

And Jabez called on the God of Israel saying, “oh, that You would bless me indeed, and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would be with me, and that You would keep me from evil, that I may not cause pain!” So God granted him what he requested. 1 Chro 4:10 (NKJV)

The interesting thing about Jabez is that his name means “he will cause pain” and in this prayer, he prayed against the meaning of his name and was subsequently blessed by God. That is what my female owner going to do.

exhausting

My female owner had been largely anti-social recently, being bogged down with Theseus and given the fact that most of her friends are working or unemployed. Hence, they are really “free” to chillax the whole weekend. However, after starting on her “love letter” to Theseus, she managed to pull herself out for a jog with five of her friends yesterday. She couldn’t really get into the rhythm of running as she normally would but celebrated the fact that she actually went for it.

After jogging, the group of friends ended up at her house for an impromptu home-cooked dinner. Normally her friends would have eaten out. Her housemates and her just pulled together whatever ingredients they had. The guys did their part to buy chicken, wine and rent a DVD – Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. An interesting quasi-artsy film.

Late night, more of her friends gathered together to watch World Cup (since Australia was playing). However, my female owner chose to skip that (in the past she would have joined) and went to bed. Theseus, she says, is exhausting.

愛是不保留 (An Unreserved Love)

Fated Guy introduced my female owner to Chinese/ Cantonese Christian songs and this is one of the songs she liked. She managed to get an English version of the song. Enjoy.

perk

My female owner finally spent a good day with Theseus yesterday. After getting rid of her RA work and folio write-up, she could focus solely on Theseus. It was a slow process, but nonetheless significant, coz this probably going to be her new routine for the next two months. And she might as well start getting used to it now. There were a few perks in her otherwise cerebral day – being able to catch up with Onli Fren, having I-Fren pop over for an impromptu visit (and walk), talking to Fated Guy via email throughout the day, having her housemate cook dessert, practicing flute, having a super funnie FB pooing session with two gal-frens, not needing to cook (since she had leftovers and lifegroup at night). She had a jio to go to Bribie Island today, she struggled between wanting to go, and knowing its best not to go. And, she ended up not going. So, it’s a new day with Theseus for her today. Hopefully she gets some perks today (already there are plans for running at 4pm.. hmm.. dunno if that is a perk or a stressor).

terminating

Today, my female owner did something she normally would struggle to do and hence, not do – tell her flute teacher that she wants to stop flute. She had told Fated Guy about her struggle in this area of terminating relationships and he had firmly pointed out the absurdness of her thoughts, that she did not need to feel bad or guilty about stopping class, that she had the ultimate power to decide and if she is not happy in the process of learning, then it defeats the purpose.

Then he proposed that she do it asap and offered to buy her dinner if she does it today during flute. His point was that if she was going to do it eventually, why not now? Why procrastinate?

My female owner wasn’t motivated by the dinner per se, but she knew this was something she had to do. Hence, she decided to tell her flute teacher at the end of class. With a heavy heart, she attended class and her flute teacher could tell that something was wrong. However, my female owner kept mum, coz she had only psyched herself to tell him at the end of class (classic procrastination). Class ended (finally) and the next student and his mother came in before she could broach the issue! Ordinarily, my female owner would have given up and left without saying a word. However, she knew she could not face herself or Fated Guy if she left passively and dinner would have been meaningless. Hence, she just spoke up from where she was and informed him of her decision, to which he said “I know you are busy, let’s talk about it next week”.

My female owner left in a shaky state, upset. However, Fated Guy was elated on hearing that she did it. He kept grinning and congratulating my female owner. My female owner couldn’t make sense her success until she calmed down. She then realised that firstly, she had done what she said she would, despite the fact that the situation was turned unexpectedly awkward and unconducive. Secondly, it didn’t really matter how she did it, coz the focus was on her standing up for herself and thirdly, really, there is no right way of doing something like that. A behavioural experiment done well. My female owner knew she could have never done it if Fated Guy had not been supporting her through her internal conflicts.

On his part, Fated Guy kept his promise and cooked a yummy Hongkong-style dinner for her housemates and her (talk about immediate reward!). They also did a little role play about what might happen next week when she attends class and my female owner was promised another yummy dish if she sticks to her decision. My female owner reckons she would stick to her guns next week, but knowing that “someone is watching” helped her muster up enough courage to speak out.

vulnerable

My female owner has been preoccupied with two things recently. One – Theseus. Given that it is already mid-June and she is not progressing with him in terms of her goals for this month, my female owner is rightfully panicking.

Second – Fated Guy. All along she had thought of their friendship as well, fated. Coz they seem to get along well, despite the short length of time, share similar interests and have similar personalities and predispositions. My female owner says that she feels as if time flies whenever they are together coz they don’t run out of things to say and they laugh easily over trivial things. However, recently, he had been doing a few things that might be beyond what a normal friend would do. Perhaps, what a very good guy friend would do, and maybe that’s what it’s all about.

Therapist Fren has the most details about what he has been doing and gets entertained teasing my female owner about it. However, at the end of the day, she tells my female owner to be open about possibilities. My female owner has been rejecting all these possibilities.

Whether or not Fated Guy is interested in her, my female owner cannot deny that they are getting closer, psychologically and emotionally, based on the nature of things they share with each other. With each revelation, my female owner feels more and more vulnerable, more and more exposed. While they are just friends, she sometimes gets the feeling that their interaction is similar to romantic partners. And she is reacting internally “if this is what entering into a romantic relationship is about – being open and vulnerable, then maybe I don’t want it”

So the distress and apprehension she feels is really about the realisation that she has an ambivalent-anxious attachment style, that when people get too close to her, she starts to put up defences so that they cannot come nearer in. She knows that deep down, she doesn’t want to risk being hurt, whether by friends or romance (hence, she had been so selective and guarded). And for Fated Guy, he would be returning to his home country in two months’ time and my female owner knows she would be upset when he leaves, just as she had been when her Jogging Kaki went home. So, the closer they are now, the more hurt she would be later.

peek

My female owner has been so occupied recently that it had been difficult to get her. I took a peek into her diary and this was what she had been up to.

Last Friday
Stayed at home to redo her paper 1 for publication; life group at night; late night soccer (world cup, apparently)

Saturday
Stayed home in the day to do RA work; mid-arvo went out to plant a birthday surprise for I-Fren. Her friends and her were unsure if they would be able to nab him but decided to take the risk anyway. It was a worthwhile experience coz they caught him unaware (and so did he, he turned up when they were decorating his car!). Ended up having dinner together (finally!!) and taking a casual photo-taking walk along Brisbane River, with hilarious results. Late night, she had some friends over for coffee.

Sunday
Began the day with RA work (never ending). Went to church and at night, stayed over at friends’ place at Toowong, because she was going hiking the next day and Mr Nice Guy was going to pick her up at 0600hr.

Monday
Day began so early, lack of sleep. Mr Nice Guy and her went Mt Barney for a “moderate to steep” hike. Attentive to details, he brought along a hot water flask to make hot drinks at the destination and even came prepared with a portable stove/ steamer to heat up his homemade tim sum for lunch. Yumz. My female owner came home and crashed for a couple of hours, before doing some non-thesis work at night.

Tuesday
The day started out very bad, with murphy’s law reappearing at any possible instance (she was going to Toowong for group therapy). She tolerated the distress until mid-day, after which she had a lunch appointment with Fated Guy. They were supposed to go Sunnybank to have lunch but because my female owner had a hard day, he suggested going somewhere quiet to chill (*touched*) and they ended up at Mt Cootha. Then they adjourned to Campos Coffee in the Valley (best coffee in Brisbane) and finally back to Sunnybank to get some groceries (coz that was the whole point of the appointment – he wanted to get groceries from Sunnybank). In the evening, she met up with a stranger for dinner at the stranger’s house. They were connected through her previous supervisor who wanted my female owner to help this person with some queries about Singapore. Then my female owner went home, chatted with Therapist Fren for 1.5hours and started on her RA work after midnight.

Wednesday
Today. Her plan is to complete all her outstanding bits and pieces. Theseus had been sorely neglected and my female owner is feeling tense about it.

space

Hmm… my female owner went out alone with Fated Guy today. Tis strange, how things unfolded she said.

It was meant to be just a dinner, which extended to tea, movie, dinner, dessert and telly at her house. He ended up leaving after midnight. My female owner’s friends have been teasing her about him and wondering (very) aloud if anything else is happening between them. My female owner’s answer has always been a firm no. And today, after being in close proximity for more than 9hr, my female owner knows there is nothing more than friendship between them. She sums up the relationship as "functional".

But yes, he was once again very gentlemanly (this trait always melts my female owner’s heart) and thoughtful. Giving her space to choose what she wants and insisting that she expresses what she wants, encouraging her to try new things, killing a cockroach even (dunno why insects and bugs always appear whenever they are together and he’s like the bug terminator) and other typical gentlemanly gestures. There was an emotive situation that arose which my female owner thought he handled well and in the process, reflected his thoughtfulness.

My female owner says for now, he is another rare counter-evidence for her previous mantra “all guys are bad”

happen

So the flavour of the month is “believe in yourself”

My female owner’s research supervisor told her that today, that he wants to increase her sense of self-efficacy and reminded her not to be overly critical as she starts to run therapy with him. Seems like he is more forgiving and trusting of her abilities than herself!

Her clinical supervisor who heaped lots of praise onto her during their final externship review, saying that she had to increase her self-confidence. This mirrored her previous clinical supervisor’s words too, who told her to trust what she knows and to recognise her strengths.

Then, I-Fren, with whom she started a very random conversation today coz her friend just named her new baby withhehe same name. His messages over the past two years had been consistent, persevering and instinctive. My female owner had, with the same vigour, consistently, persistently and instinctively pushed him away psychologically. I think he decided to just “wait and see”.

Special Fren did his counselling spin on my female owner too. More sporadic than I-Fren but still nicely timed (they seemed to take turns actually). Until finally, he kinda indicated that he had done all he could, the rest is up to my female owner. He also pointed out the contradiction that my female owner needed a lot of affirmation but at the same time, rejected them all.

And Fated Guy who actually only entered her life two months ago but seemed to hit the nail on the head quickly with her issues. Passed her a movie which removed the scales from her eyes.

Topping it off, Therapist Fren who had the misfortune of putting up with her endless whines and self-doubting statements, and providing those assurances that soothed her anxiety (or maybe just reduce the intensity).

It’s time for my female owner to believe in herself, to take an active part in her life and make things happen. No longer saying, “let’s see what happens and I will deal with it when it comes” but “this is what I want, because I know I can achieve it and I deserve to have it, and I am going to make it happen”

*breathe*

Takes a lot of energy to type that out! Hopefully, she starts to live a more convicted and intentional life, to learn to ride the currents but not just float along. Time to move on!

love

Onli Fren started her own blog!! My female owner (and I) paid homage to the blog. Set in rosy pink, the first entry was “I still believe in love”. How apt. So nicely written, I feel ashamed of my amateurish writing! (mental note to self: to brush up on my writing)

Anyway, my female owner is at the age and stage where she may not find “true love” and get married and have kids. At this stage of her life, she is pretty happy to be left on her own – mobile, commitment-free, flexibility. However, she is really not sure if she will feel that same way in 25 years time, when most of her peers are married and have their own family, and she is single… and erm.. physically less mobile.

My female owner’s life did not turn out the way she imagined it to be when she was a child, or the way she planned it to be after she graduated. Maybe that’s why she is hesitant to plan. Where would planning lead to, if there are so many external variables beyond her control?

My female owner had been thinking about her ex from time to time. One thing she hasn’t really let go of is, I mean, was, the time when he looked at her and said that he thought she had a mental illness. My female owner told this to Special Fren recently, and his response was “he’s crazy”. Special Fren might not have realised it, but those words brought comfort to my female owner. The feeling of being supported now, even though the incident happened so many years ago and she felt defenceless and vulnerable then.

Nonetheless, like Onli Fren, my female owner still believe in love.

Orianthi - According to you (Official music video HQ)

According to you
I'm stupid,
I'm useless,
I can't do anything right.
According to you
I'm difficult,
Hard to please,
Forever changing my mind.
I'm a mess in a dress,
Can't show up on time,
Even if it would save my life.
According to you. According to you.

But according to him
I'm beautiful,
Incredible,
He can't get me out of his head.
According to him
I'm funny,
Irresistible,
Everything he ever wanted.
Everything is opposite,
I don't feel like stopping it,
So baby tell me what I got to lose.
He's into me for everything I'm not,
According to you.

According to you
I'm boring,
I'm moody,
You can't take me any place.
According to you
I suck at telling jokes cause I always give it away.
I'm the girl with the worst attention span;
You're the boy who puts up with it.
According to you. According to you.

But according to him
I'm beautiful,
Incredible,
He can't get me out of his head.
According to him
I'm funny,
Irresistible,
Everything he ever wanted.
Everything is opposite,
I don't feel like stopping it,
So baby tell me what I got to lose.
He's into me for everything I'm not,
According to you.

I need to feel appreciated,
Like I'm not hated. oh no
Why can't you see me through his eyes?
It's too bad you're making me dizz-ay

According to me
You're stupid,
You're useless,
You can't do anything right.
But according to him
I'm beautiful,
Incredible,
He can't get me out of his head.
According to him
I'm funny,
Irresistible,
Everything he ever wanted.
Everything is opposite,
I don't feel like stopping it,
Baby tell me what I got to lose.
He's into me for everything I'm not,
According to you. [you, you]
According to you. [you, you]

According to you
I'm stupid,
I'm useless,
I can't do anything right

believe

Seems like this is a season of contemplation and soul-searching for my female owner. She has been engaged in conversations with Special Fren regarding her psyche. I think Special Fren has come to a point where he has concluded that he has done all he can to bring my female owner to her senses. And now, it’s up to her to make the necessary changes (and stop wallowing in LSE).

My female owner was updating Special Fren about her truncated conversation with Fated Guy with regards to her dreams and future. Truncated, because she had no idea, so the conversation didn’t go far. Special Fren then pointed out “you just refuse to see it”

How true. My female owner has so much in front of her. She has mobility and flexibility in how she want to craft out the next decade of her life (and beyond) and yet, she says she has no future. How tragic.

Her restraints are largely due to uncertainties. What if I stay and something happens at home? But I don’t have money to settle down in Australia! I love the lifestyle here, but my family and peers are in Singapore. What if I can’t find a good job here?

Anyway, she generated some of her thoughts of what she might like to do. And Special Fren told her to stick to the plan, and to believe in her plan.

How apt. My female owner never really believed in her plans, coz I think, she never really believed that she could achieve more than the average Joe in the streets. This just reinforced what happened recently, when, after hearing her reflections on Pursuit of Happyness, Fated Guy modified a quote from the movies for her: "don't ever let somebody tell me I can't do something, not even myself!"

She really needs to start internalise esteem-boosting statements for herself.

just

Tomorrow, my female owner starts a “new lease of life”. She has no other mega commitments except “just thesis”. Telling people she has a “thesis to do” seems to trivialise the enormity of the task ahead.

“So it’s only a thesis for you”

“So just a thesis ah?”

“even though your thesis is big, at least you completed the rest of your coursework”

“you only need to work on your thesis?”

“so what do you have for the rest of the year? Thesis? Just that?”

Come on, it’s not “just”. The thesis is worth 16 credits, which makes 1/3 of her programme. 16 credits is like doing 8 average-sized modules. Her five placements were worth 12 credits altogether. About 40000-50000 words, that’s about eight to ten 5000-word essay.

Yah, just a thesis. Easier said than done.

living

My female owner always enjoyed talking to friends who are in the helping profession. Recently, she had been talking to Fated Guy and enjoys the fact that their conversations can range from random day-to-day events to quiet reflective existential questions about life.

Mental health-trained, he understands her professional issues and struggles fairly quickly and through his responses, broaden her perspective and understanding of her situation. Today, he shared with her how she could build confidence in her clinical skills (coz she said that her supervisors had told her that she had good clinical skills but she could not bring herself to believe them).

At times, he would ask her deep reflective questions that makes her stop and ponder and search deeper with herself. Today, he asked her “what is your dream?”, “what inspires you?”

My female owner struggled with those questions. The truth is, she is too afraid to dream. Then he asked “so you mean you had a dream, but you stopped dreaming? Or you are suppressing it?” She never realised it, but yes, she probably had a lost dream. Lost in the day-to-day struggles of life, lost in her own insecurities and ruminations, lost because she was blinded by the now.

Thinking a bit more, my female owner realised that she is actually living her overseas postgrad dream in the now. The tediousness of writing up a thesis had taken a toll on her, to the point that she had forgotten that this, the thesis writing, is part of her dream.

Becoz of this revelation, my female owner decided that she will start to enjoy living her dream more.

herself

Today, my female owner realised that she is the only one who puts herself down.

The seed was planted a few days ago when Special Fren commented that my female owner had a tendency not to acknowledge her strengths and be dismissive when people give affirmations.

Then today, Fated Guy finally remembered to pass her a copy of Pursuit of Happyness. My female owner thought it was just another movie but later on, he emailed her to take note of a particular scenario where the father said to the son, something along the line of “don’t let anyone make you believe you can’t do something, not even me!”

My female owner reckons this email was prompted by the conversation when my female owner tried to convince Therapist Fren and him that she is clumsy and has poor psychomotor skills. Both of them tried to dispute her claim and Therapist Fren finally said “it is hard to change her mind about herself”

Anyway, reading that my female owner wrote back to say that that was an uplifting statement, in the light of her present difficulties. Fated Guy asked how it was relevant and upon reflecting, she realised that the “anyone” in this case was herself. All this while, she had allowed herself to believe that she can’t do things or achieve things.

It was confronting to a certain extent, to realise how she had been slowly destroying herself, especially when no one in her recent history had ever cast doubt on her abilities. In fact, people had been more optimistic and confidant of her than herself. And yes, she dismissed those words of encouragement as people being polite or trying to be supportive. At the same time, she held fast, the negative criticisms of different individuals from her distant past. How lop-sided.

She shared this revelation to Special Fren (who probably understood her psyche the most) and he confirmed that she “is the only one who puts urself down”

And my female owner’s decision, “I want to let go of this”.

girly

My female owner had a highly hilarious day. She had lunch with her uni frens and was scheduled to have afternoon coffee with Fated Guy. Except that in-between her lunch and afternoon tea, Therapist Fren and another gal (who knew about the happenings) started to corner her about Fated Guy and their progress. My female owner was immensely amused by their cross-talk and vivid fantasies about Fated Guy and her. Like how my female owner was not taking the issue seriously and that there was a mental blockage (which was later clarified as “mental resistance”) on her part.

“talk nonsense” was the summary of my female owner’s response.

They started to ask if he showed signs of interest in her and my female owner said no.

“did he introduce his friends to you?” (no!.... “but you went camping with his housemates”)
“did you guys talk about your future?” (yes, but separate futures)

Knowing that they were not convinced, she then asked them to join her for coffee and certainly, it didn’t take much for them to agree. And the best part was, they didn’t want her to tell him they were coming along and instead, to spring a surprise on him. How girly!

Afternoon coffee went well. Much chatter and laughter. My female owner didn’t know if having her friends around caught him off-guarded (he did look shocked) or disrupted his plans but she felt that he interacted well with them (much better than she would have, if roles were reversed). Anyway, Fated Guy and Therapist Fren had been acquainted before in other settings.

Her other friend left quite fast but Therapist Fren stayed till the end to gather “intel” and of course, to amuse herself. Debriefing with Therapist Fren was equally funnie, as she started to build upon her earlier fantasies and broke into fits of giggles.

"you guys were obviously very comfortable with each other" (yah, but that's the same for any friends)
"you guys progressed so fast in such a short time to such personal issues" (progress doesn't mean anything more than friendship, besides, the things we talked about, he also asked you just now. duh)

Oh well, girly fun at her expense. Looks like her ploy didn't work.

winter

Winter started a few days ago.

My female owner had been a little blue recently but surprise surprise, she woke up with a cheer on the first day of winter. I think it helped that the weather looked promising – cool yet sunny, with clear skies and white clouds. So anyway, the end of autumn and the start of winter. Time to put her placement behind her (soon) and start exclusively on her thesis.

By the way, her supervisor told her that he is 90% confidant she will get her DCP, and this was based on one completed study and a first draft of the second paper. Supposed to be reassuring, but my female owner is still having doubts about her “dodgy thesis”, to the point where she said she wanted to write up three studies, even though her supervisor thought that two studies were sufficient. My female owner also started to ruminate about whether she can complete her thesis by 31 Aug, to which her supervisor said "you will".

Seriously... I reckon she has an anxiety problem.

bariatric

My female owner is in this mode of being: piaing work - the final lap of placement which involves doing up her folio. She has completed most part of it except the organisational project worth 200hrs of work. With little time left, it means doing intense literature review and write-up on bariatric surgery patients. Apparently the operation is for morbidly obese people to staple their stomachs so that they will eat less and lose excess weight. Hopefully she doesn’t try anything funny on Nanook or me.

With her regained focus on work, the unintended consequences are firstly, she has stopped exercising (so that she can conserve mental energy and not listen to her mind and body argue about whether to exercise) and secondly, she has starting on her junk food routine. That means…. potentially gaining weight (again).

It’s a cycle isn’t it? Sometimes she relishes jogging and is disciplined in her food intake, at other times, her healthy lifestyle just goes pear-shaped.

Oh yes, and she has reduced her social outings by choice, i.e. actually saying no to people, and not appearing too much on MSN. The few treats she retains – flute (she actually reported having withdrawal symptoms for not practicing for three days) and her nightly dose of Masterchef.

Theseus

And his name is Theseus.

The name of her thesis that is. My female owner has declared war, cold war, on Theseus since last week. She is still in the midst of regaining control.

In the same vein, she declared that she would be in an exclusive relationship with Theseus for the next three months. A “short but intense” relationship.

Hmmm… how confusing and inconsistent!

With no real deadline imposed by the school (usually in Oct actually), my female owner is finding hard to get her act together. She wants to complete the thesis as soon as possible. End Aug to be exact, so that there would be ample time for the markers to mark, for her to make changes etc and still be in time to graduate at the end of the year. This has important consequences on her other endeavours, which include national registration, application for permanent residence (she is NOT coming back to us???) and job application.

Oh well... Let me mope in my corner for a bit.

say

My female owner had been meeting up with Fated Guy at least once a week. These meetings most often than not take place in uni, if they both happen to be in uni at the same time. Hence, it is purely meals of convenience. Through these meals, she got to know him (and his psyche) better. I said before that at the first dinner they had, my female owner was struck by how similar their interests were. She soon found out he often said things that she herself would say. Some of these include (I’m sure her close friends would agree too)

“actually I am very shy” (when he goes around making friends with random people he meets at coffee shops)

“things could be worse, I mean, I could say that ‘even mozzies don’t like me’ ” (context: at camping, when my female owner commented that he was so lucky not to be bitten by mosquitoes)

“I was feeling emotional yesterday” (last lecture of his programme - same as how my female owner felt)

“I wanna go home!” (during the same period when my female owner had that exact tagline on MSN)

“I find it hard to approach people first, but if people make the first move, I am ok” (what can I say?)

Maybe there are a few more examples but I can’t recall them at this point in time. My female owner never really told him that he sounded like her but I find it disturbing to see a reflection of herself in someone else. One her is enough, I reckon.

boundaries

My female owner did a super random thing today. She called her brother to wish him a Happie Birthday. She must have shocked him out of his skin. The sound of shock was so audible, it probably could have cut my shell into two. And the more random thing she did – to give him her Twitter username.

Boundaries, boundaries! She needs to be mindful of them.

lighthouse

My female owner has been thinking a lot about her next steps lately. She still thinks that she will stay back in Australia for a while before returning to Singapore. While she is less enthusiastic about bible study, prayer meetings and sometimes Sunday sermons because of her current state of being (sianz and all that), my female owner still want to maintain her focus on God.

Today, she told God that she wants Him to be her Lighthouse. That whatever decisions she makes, it would be in the direction of the light that is emitting from the Lighthouse. Easier said than done, she knows, but everything starts with a decision and today, she has decided it will be God’s way.

war

My female owner has declared war on Thesis - a cold war that is. Wednesday is usually her “free” day where she gets uninterrupted time (in theory) to work on her thesis. However, for today, she scheduled in a brekkie with Therapist Fren and a lunch with Fated Guy in uni. She had some vague intention to “do some work” in uni in the afternoon before going home. What really happened was:

Brekkie with Therapist Fren
Lunch with Fated Guy
Tea with Therapist Fren and other Asians
City Market with Therapist Fren
Grocery shopping at Sunnybank
Flute at home
Dinner at home

Told you she is winning the cold war!

return

I mentioned before that my female owner had decided not to return to Singapore after she graduates. She told some people about her decision but then disappeared from MSN for a long time. Hence, no one could really contact her or discuss the decision with her. Anyway, one rare time over the weekend, my female owner made a cyber appearance as she wanted to talk to Special Fren about something.

Lo and behold, the conversation later steered towards my female owner’s options in Singapore, with her doctorate degree. Special Fren talked her through a possible route that was financially and professionally viable and attractive for my female owner. This was an option which he had previously broached to her on a number of occasions but my female owner had consistently rejected the suggestion for a variety of reasons.

For the first time ever, my female owner was deeply moved by his kind gesture and concern about her future. My female owner was greatly encouraged by the mere thought that someone, whom she greatly respect for his abilities, believes in her, wants her to return to contribute back to Singapore and is willing to work with her if she chooses to return.

fade

My female owner is still feeling blue! She can’t believe it. Is it called burnout? Her Onli Frens in Singapore and Brisbane had separately asked her today if she is ok. They also asked if anything happened. Not that she can identify any earth-shattering event. Maybe it was a slow fade. The sad thing my female owner realised is that, in such times, the people who reached out to her and supported her are everyone else but her church friends (except for Emo Sponge). It kinda screams out to her that despite all the times she spent with her church friends, at the end of the day, she feels more comfortable opening up to other friends, friends whom she has spent time one-on-one with, building an emotional and psychological intimacy. The nature of the church group setting makes it difficult for her to spend time with any one individual meaningfully. Hence, these non-church friends were the ones who could pick out her distress and subsequently, respond in comforting ways. Friends she probably should prioritise and spend more time with.

Celebrate World Turtle Day

Look! A day to celebrate us turtles!

Be kind to turtles! We are important to the world. Really.

Celebrate World Turtle Day The Humane Society of the United States

lost

My female owner says that she has lost interest in MSN. Hence, she hasn’t been visible for most part of the week. The only person who has managed to catch hold of her while she is invisible is Special Fren, who roughly knows when she is around. She attributes this loss of interest to her increased use of her Iphone. Oh wait, and the more important reason is that she wants to be distraction-free and be able to work on her thesis without multi-tasking. Hmmm… But there are still her Facebook and Whatapps, the main time-stealers.

My female owner also says that she has lost interest in social gatherings. Compared to the past, she has cut down on social events. Things like dinners on Sunday with her church friends, lunches with her uni friends, random social jios (e.g. playing pool and shopping) and even jogging appointments. There’s a part of her which is tired of interacting with people, a part of her which wants to be left alone and be more focused on her priorities and yet, a small but significant part of her which knows that she needs to be socially bonded, otherwise she would just waste away and become a recluse.

She has just become more picky (and pricky) these days, and trying to work out the balance. After all, this is her final lap and she needs to pull up her sock in order to finish as a winning champion and not a dying hero.

greek

My female owner had a strange night. Fated Guy asked her if she was free for dinner but she had made plans to check out the Greek Festival near the city. She invited him to join her friends and her, but not really expecting him to come since it was so random (I mean, she probably won’t agree to go if it was her). But he did join her in the end. In addition, she had another group of church friends who was at the Greek Festival and whom she really wanted to catch up with. However, the atmosphere was noisy, crowded and dark, making conversations difficult and people started to scatter. My female owner ended up spending most of her time with Fated Guy as she had invited him to come along and hence, felt responsible for him. Although she was happy to do that, she felt sorry that she was not being able to catch up with the other group of friends, and even for not being with the first group of friends.

Looks like you can’t really mix your friends together, not in such an open setting anyway. Despite this, my female owner said that she had great fun trying out different Greek foods and watching Greek dances. And the Greek beer came in handy too. A nice way to spend a Saturday night, she said.

crankiness

My female owner found out something new about herself. It’s nothing earth-shattering. She felt really grouchy and anti-social yesterday and couldn’t believe what was happening to her, especially since she is NOT hormonal now. She had a really bad day at placement, that’s for sure, with a marathon 2.5hr session with a weepy patient who kept going “yes-but” all the way. My female owner doesn’t want to talk about that patient now coz it still irks her whenever she thinks about it.

At night, she dragged herself to some church event (combining 5 bible study groups) so that was some big social exposure for her. Reaching there, she wanted to leave immediately. Simply put, she felt “off”. But she stayed because the reason she went was to support someone who was part of the organising team.

My female owner kept trying to trouble-shoot the emo-situation coz she couldn’t accept that she is dysthymic or depressive or have regressed to how she was in the past. Finally, she figured out that it was simply because she had not enough (and broken) sleep for the past two nights. Hence, she was functioning at half-tank and feeling the crankiness (and not the teariness that comes with being hormonal).

Such an easy explanation (hopefully!).

randomly

Has it ever happened to you before?

You are updating your status on FB and immediately, someone comments on your status. The timing is so close, you wonder if this comment is for the very newly updated status or the previously latest status. I hope I make sense.

Well, it happened to my female owner today and the friend who FB-ed her at the same time she randomly updated her status was surprise surprise, Fated Guy.

Such coincidence. But given the extensive amount of time she spends on FB, it is really no surprise that something like that would happen sooner or later.

special

My female owner still has the habit of giving her closer friends titles or names. And sometimes, an individual might end up with many many names. Seasonal, apparently.

Anyway, one of her ever constant friend is/was Functional Fren, who is currently named Special Fren. I need to note here that the feeling is not mutual, since he calls my female owner his BTW Fren (“I’m doing this thing for you because it’s by-the-way”).

You might remember that my female owner had a bimbo emo night in January when she went invisible because she was crying over something. Special Fren happened to send her a message and she replied and then he asked the all important question of “why are you on stealth?”

Recently, the both of them were online but not talking. It was quite late already and my female owner decided to go invisible for whatever reason. Less than a minute later, Special Fren sent a message saying something like “I think you are still online”

How accurate and scary was that! How did he know? That was his first time leaving such a message on her MSN and he hit jackpot. That’s why Special mah… Know her so well…

prawns

My female owner once had a conversation with her Jogging Kakis when she went camping with them, on a topic that once stirred the hearts of Singaporean men and women. The topic (*drum roll*) was whether guys should shell prawns for their partners and if they don’t, is it a sign of ungentlemanliness? Needless to say, the topic generated a fair amount of heated debate and controversy. And of course, my female owner had witnessed how some guys might shell prawns for only one girl, the girl of interest, making the atmosphere awkward for everyone.

Anyway, by fluke, my female owner succeeded in getting someone to shell a prawn for her. She was having Korean BBQ with 4 other people and there were 3 huge prawns on the BBQ. One guy said he didn’t want it, so did my female owner (coz she was too lazy to dirty her hands for one prawn). So that works out to be one per remaining person. However, someone else asked her if she wanted to share a prawn with him, coz he didn’t want the whole prawn (my female owner thinks he just didn’t want her to go without a crustacean). And she gleefully asked, “you peel ah?”

An impromptu trap, which he sportingly obliged. She actually felt bad immediately for putting him in a spot. Obviously he scored once more in the department of gentlemanliness (he’s already a high scorer). Highly recommended to single gals!

compartmentalise

My female owner had a surprise visit from a friend today. He’s Second Onli Fren’s ex/not-ex boyfriend. Anyway, that’s besides the point. This friend is an avid angler and wanted to pass (heaps of) stingray to my female owner. His generosity extended to essential ingredients such as limes and onions. Yumz. I can predict sambal stingray to be coming out of her kitchen pretty soon.

Anyway, they had a short catch-up session and he asked the inevitable – “so what have you been up to?” And my female owner gave an unexciting account of her current state of being. And his response was “so your life now is work, placement and school?”

Such a neat summary of her unexciting, compartmentalised life.

intellectual

My female owner engaged fully in her catastrophising exercise today. This is how the story goes. She completed (again) the first study of her thesis (with the purpose of publication) and submitted it to her supervisor for comments. Her supervisor then forwarded the paper to another academic staff (a young but high-flying associate professor) to see if he wanted to be part of the authorship. This was possible because this high-flyer and her supervisor were co-sharers of the research grant.

And at last minute’s notice, my female owner found herself in a meeting with these two brainy people, one a clinical psychologist and the other a social psychologist. Experts in their own fields and right, each tried to assert his (valid) intellectual spin on the paper. My female owner got lost (and possible shot) in the cross-fire. You know, the saying “you don’t even know how you died”? Yah, that was how she felt. She couldn’t quite understand the essence of their bone of contention over choice of statistical analyses.

Bit by bit, she felt herself being more and more vulnerable. She felt that her bimbo-ness was going to be exposed sooner or later. Especially when high-flying professor said he wanted to meet her another time to go through the data more thoroughly. My female owner didn’t think she would be able to handle that level of intellectual scrutiny and debate. And of course, she has to rewrite the paper again.

Hence her catastrophising.

flippant

Did I tell you that my female owner decided that she would not be returning to Singapore after graduation? She confirmed her decision while she was jogging by herself one day recently. It was like an epiphany of sorts. Don’t ask me of what sorts. It sounds flippant to me coz she decided just like that! (Yes, we turtles ain’t happy about it. We, the gals, have a defective schema of abandonment, no thanks to our first owner. Anyway, that’s history.).

She’s probably still clueless about the specifics of her life but the general gist is that she doesn’t want to work in Singapore if working is going to be like how it was like for her. So that means exploring other options.

accounts

My female owner has problems asking for help. She rather suffer in silence than to ask for help. Could be pride, could be fear of rejection, could be a reluctance to impose on others. Could be all three mixed into one. She has gotten slightly better over the past year. At least now she feels more comfortable asking for lifts from people.

You may not believe this, but when my female owner was thinking of what programme to pursue in university, she did think of reading accountancy. She was quite a mathematical in her younger days, taking up normal maths and further maths, and enjoying the subjects. She loved numbers and certainty in her work. So anyway, her self-limiting thoughts came into play and she felt that she was “not good enough” to get in. So she didn’t apply for it.

Fast forward to 10 years later, the present now. My female owner struggles with keeping a proper balance sheet of expenses and income. For a few months now, she could not balance the figures and would end up with negative spending. Every month, she tries, but hits the brick wall each time. Perplexed, she shared this with Emo Sponge who is a high-flying accountant/ auditor/ assistant financial controller? and is also aware of her reluctance to receive help from people.

After suggesting some possible errors which were promptly shot down by my female owner, he finally said “u need a pro accountant to find out”. My female owner (refer to previous post) replied with “haha I NEED?”

ES: “Yup u need! Not want”
FO: “Okay u win. I NEED help”
ES: “Yay!! U finally conceded. Ok la.. help u out”

And help he did. At 2330hr on a Friday night when people’s brains are usually in a shut-down or party mode, he rectified her accounts and solved the mystery of her negative spending.

Wasn’t too bad to admit that she needs help.. and to receive it, right?

need... want...

My female owner recently got into a thought-provoking discussion with her housemates and Emo Sponge during a house dinner, over a conversation she had with her ex.

Ex: “Sometimes, I feel that you don’t need me, coz you can do everything yourself”
FO: “You are right, I don’t need you. But I want you. That’s why I chose to be with you.”

My female owner wanted to pick Emo Sponge’s brain on how a male would typically react to something that goes along that line of “I don’t need you but I want you”. My female owner, in all honesty, meant it to be a compliment. But she later figured that it was probably quite ego-bruising for a guy to be told point-blank that he is not needed. Needless to say, that sharing stimulated a lot of laughter and spins-off of “I don’t need XXX but I want XXX”.

stubborn

I-Fren recently commented that my female owner is stubborn. My female owner disagreed with his comment coz she saw herself as being wishy-washy nature, indecisive and passive. It didn’t help that I-Fren refused to elaborate on his comment.

Anyway, did I tell you that she had an emo night last Thursday? She felt as she was at breaking point and almost started wallowing in self-pity but managed to catch herself in time (by the way, my female owner finally worked it out that it's defintely hormonal). Nonetheless, she wrote something in Mandarin on Facebook and because of that, Emo Sponge came along, asked some questions and started chatting with her on Iphone.

Inevitably, he started to zoom in on an issue that I-Fren had previously raised. My female owner told Emo Sponge quite quickly not to waste his breath on her, coz other people had spoken to her about the same issue and it would be unlikely that he would reap a different result from the rest.

And Emo Sponge finally said – stubborn. Maybe they are right after all?

Elanda Point

My female owner just came back from her 4th camping trip of her recent life. This time, she went to Elanda Point at Sunshine Coast with Fated Guy and his landlord (plus family – wife and two daughters aged 10 and 13). Not surprising, she found the experience different and refreshing.

Random photos of their pets: Elvis, the Bird of Paradise and Dizmo, young-at-heart dog (I think my female owner misses us!)

A little information of their camping site
My female owner thought this was cute

For one, camping with an almost local family (they are New Zealanders) gave her insight into the familial culture of a western family. The way the members interacted with one another, the space (psychological and emotional included) given to these kids to explore their world, the kinds of activities that the family did together, all helped her to understand why Aussies turn out so different from Asians.

A small perk was that she didn’t have to think about food or logistical preparation. The family was kind enough to feed her from coffee all the way to main meals and snacks. Fated Guy provided logistical support, as all she had was a sleeping bag and some clothes (which was not even enough). Like Doraemon, he pulled out stuff she needed, stuff like a 2-person tent for her sole use , a jacket (coz she was cold, as usual), a long-sleeve shirt for canoeing, torchlight, etc, and even his quilt to act as a camping mattress for her (she thought it was a real camping mattress and only found out that it was his quilt after sleeping on it for a night, how oblivious!).

This is 5-star camping! Two wings for sleeping, with a pantry set-up inside and a patio
In contrast, the humble Asian-style of camping

Activities were markedly different from her previous camping trips (no nice crystal-clear ocean or sun-tanning). Situated in a National Park and near a few lakes, the main activities were canoeing (or rowing, since they ended up with boats) and hiking. Good fun, she said. Except that she couldn’t really row properly and hence, must have stressed Fated Guy big time with her inaptness… and they actually capsized once. Entirely her fault she said, coz she was sitting at the back and hence, responsible for navigating the boat.

See how different from the sea a lake looks

Her Alice-in-Wonderland backyard, with mysteries lying beneath the woods

Enroute the hike
Some long-surviving artifact of the past

She also came very close to nature – a family of ducks (mama duck leading a pack of 9ducklings followed by papa duck quite far behind), kangaroos in her backyard, kookaburras, eagles, mynahs, guanas and yes, troops of mozzies that attacked her face relentlessly (my female owner was convinced that they were drawn to this "exotic" Asian meal).

Mama duck leading her ducklings for their morning exercise. They were scurrying through the grass. My female owner saw them swimming in the lake the day before. They woke up at 6am, just to see this

Happily, she saw her first shooting star on Saturday night. However, because it happened so fast and she was just turning her head when she saw it, my female owner started to doubt if it was real. And on Sunday night, FG and her spotted a shooting star together, confirming that she was not hallucinating the night before. Her best takeaway, she says, as she has been wanting to see a shooting star for years.

focus

My female owner says she almost cried during flute lesson today. She has been stretching herself this week with RA work – endless editing and proofreading – to the point where she feels nauseated. She also had to deal with her own thesis and her endless ruminations about what’s next, after graduation?

Her flute teacher was harsher than usual and of course, that made my female owner more anxious and less fluid in her playing. She was accused of not paying attention to dynamics and other musical features. While partly true, the main reason was that her cognitive resources were channelled largely to getting the notes right.

Anyway, her flute teacher always says how a student plays reflects his/ her personality. Today, he commented that she lacked focus in her playing.. the way she probably lacks focus in her life. He actually verified his hypothesis by first asking her (before making that comment) what her plans are, post-graduation. My female owner’s response (no prize for guessing) was “I don’t know”.

tail

My female owner met up with Fated Guy again today. Deliberately. Coz they had to make arrangements for the upcoming camping trip. Yes, they are going camping!

You know, being single for so many years (and having had a crap relationship in the past), her friends are naturally excited for her, at what they call, a romantic story of how the two of them keep meeting at various random places and timings. My female owner certainly does not see it romantic or even the friendship as anything more than activity-mates. If anything, she is apprehensible about going camping with someone she hardly knows and wonders if they would return as friends. However, she is very very amused by her friends’ reactions and responses who would dramatise the situation.

This is the most recent example. Today, she had an extended lunch with two friends at uni. She then had to leave to meet Fated Guy at 1500hr at a cafe. Unknown to her, they tried to tail her to the café. Except that they didn’t know which café my female owner was going to. And girls being girls, they lost my female owner fairly quickly (even though my female owner was walking at normal pace and wearing bright purple). Thinking it would be easy to find her, they went to the three cafes around the faculty (must have taken about 30mins to cover the distance) and lo and behold, could not locate my female owner.

What really happened was, my female owner was supposed to meet Fated Guy at the first café the two friends went to. But exactly at 1500hr, he smsed her and changed the venue to somewhere else… which obviously the two friends did not think about. Haha, an obvious case of no fate!

And my female owner only found out about their strange exploit, when she happened to bump into one of them at the toilet like two hours later. Talk about strange fate! And in the midst of girly giggles, she asked "so free ah?"

exclusive

Okies, don’t shoot me. I know I haven’t been updating this Turtle Pad. I’ve been lazy. My female owner had been floating around (or rather, zipping around) with her various work/social commitments that it had been difficult to catch her. And then, because of these various commitments that are not thesis-related, she gets cranky and irritable (maybe it’s almost THAT time of the month?) So, in times like this, you can’t blame me for not wanting to approach her for updates yah? You know, in case I lose my shell in the process?

Okay, so maybe I should update you on what she has been up to?

She went with some church friends to Mooloolah Valley (somewhere in the north) over the weekend. She took some basic photos but intended to take the rest from her friends (hence no photos this time). This trip created some controversy amongst some individuals who aired their displeasure at not being invited for the trip and who wondered aloud if the group had been exclusive. That kinda marred the trip for my female owner, but as what I-Fren says (and she agrees wholeheartedly): “friendship is exclusive”

At the same time, her research supervisor threw different kinds of bombs at her, bombs that she had to detonate, which obviously ate away time and resources that she could have otherwise spent on her thesis. Hence, she is not happy. Or rather, she is stressed and overwhelmed with the endless editing, proofreading and formatting of various papers.

There are other things pulling at her but I better end here, lest she gets suck into a downward spiral. Till we meet again, take care!

bubble

My female owner has regressed, she said. She remembered a time when she first starting work (this was post A-levels, in-between junior college and starting university). She gave tuition and worked as a clerk in a hospital. With money of her own, she started giving money to her parents and supporting herself. Although not extravagant, she came to a point where she had only $26 in her bank and almost had to think about skipping meals just to survive. Indignant, she rejected the notion of poverty and started to claim prosperity for herself as a child of God (something along the lines of, how could a child of God have to worry about food?) She never looked back since, she never lacked.

Just this past week, she realised that she only had $25 left in her wallet/ disposable bank account until the next pay day (which should be tomorrow). It’s hard to trace the exact series of events that led to this, but the overarching reason is that my female owner does not know how to budget properly. She finds it difficult, with unstable income, irregular big expenses and impromptu outings that challenge her resources.

Flashbacks of that distant past returned. Time to start praying for help in this area. She finds it extremely disturbing that someone of her age and experience has succeeded in getting herself into this state (don’t worry about her financial status, she has money in her other bank accounts for rainy days). Tsk tsk. She needs to grow up, get out of her bubble, and start planning properly!

notion

Serendipity – is it for real?

That is my female owner’s current MSN tagline. She had it on, ever since she watched the movie with some of her friends last Tuesday (that’s like a week ago!). She didn’t change it, simply because she couldn’t think of any other better lines to put up.

Innocuous it was not. Mr Nice Guy apparently got triggered by this tagline and started talking to my female owner. According to her, it was the longest conversation she ever had with him (note: Mr Nice Guy is a man of few written words, so even 15mins is considered long).

In summary, he was firstly disputing the notion that there is ONE right guy/ soul mate out there for my female owner. He then went on to encourage my female owner to pursue the guy she likes (none in existent, so that was hard for my female owner to follow), saying that guys are waiting for her first move. My female owner was totally lost at this point in time, that sounds like a role reversal.

Anyway, it was refreshing to hear an older guy’s perspective and common sense as it may be, my female owner’s take-away from that discussion was that she should find someone who can support her through her weaknesses as she supports the guy through his. We’ll see.

respite

My female owner finally had time to slow down and be by herself. And not be too heavily stressed by her thesis (it’s called avoidance, but at least now she has the chance to avoid). The previous week had been another social week. A new Housemate moved in and that meant having to adjust to a new person in the house. New routine, new habits, less space. With three gals in the house, it somehow became easier for people to come over for casual dinners and fellowship. The last I checked her diary, she either had friends over every night of the week/ home-cooked dinners/ DVDs/ went out for dinners and such.

So many social events. She started to wonder how much is too much. The house was a constant buzz of activities. She really liked the people who were coming over for fellowship so that was ok (unlike the first house she stayed, where she didn’t know more than half of the people who streamed in on an almost daily basis).

It’s just that her quiet self suffered (in silence, no less). Passive and shy, it didn’t have the opportunity to connect with her other selves. The social self that makes people think she is fun to be with. That professional self as she interacts with patients and supervisors. That intellectual self that kept the rest of her selves awake at night as she ploughed on to develop a decent looking thesis.

I think my female owner needs respite from social interactions. E-communication is fine. Just not face-to-face.

ice-cream

My female owner had another lunch with Fated Guy on Sunday. This time, it was pre-arranged. He asked her if she was going to be at uni on Sunday coz he wanted to arrange a possible outdoor trip with her in one of the coming weekends.

A baby husky they played with at the cafe. My female owner took photos WITH him, thus providing evidence that she is not scared of dogs.

Because it was also the university’s birthday celebrations, they decided to walk around after lunch (i.e. procrastinate from doing work) to explore the festivities. Was fun exploring with him, my female owner said, coz he was naturally curious while my female owner needs that added push in order to go beyond her comfort zone.

Anyway, my female owner spotted a popular ice-cream brand which was highly recommended by her housemate and Emo Sponge. At first, she wanted to buy it. But then, she had a humongous ice-cream dessert the night before, so by the time they returned to the stall, the guilt took over her and she decided she didn’t want it.

The sinful ice-cream sundae my female owner had on Saturday with Mr Nice Guy. The counter guy got a shock when she placed the order, coz it looked as if she was getting it for herself.

Fated Guy then asked if she tried it before and she said no. So he egged her to get it and said he would get one himself. And in true passive style, after being persuaded, my female owner said ok. They spent a few minutes looking at the selection. With so many choices, my female owner couldn’t believe her ears when he said he would go for “chocolate and macadamia”, coz that was the very flavour she was eyeing on.

Check out the selection here. How likely is it to choose the same flavour as someone you barely know? My female owner ended up choosing another flavour, just to be different. Apparently, just turn the cup upside down, holding the stick in your hand, and the cup acts as a protective shield. Such a clever design!

So eerie, she says. The similarities and coincidences are freaking her out.

comments

I wonder why people whom I don’t know are either leaving comments in Chinese on my Turtle Pad or have Chinese names. After a while, I get tired of deleting them. Please don’t leave any comments coz firstly, I don’t know who you are, and secondly, I don’t understand Chinese. So if I don’t know who you are, I can’t ask you to explain your comment. And even if you leave comments in English, I can’t read your Chinese name, so I still don’t know who you are.

Anyway, if I don’t make sense, just take it that I enjoy comments from my friends or my female owner’s friends. If you are in neither category, comments are welcome, if they make sense.

serendipity

My female owner watched Serendipity with a group of church friends last night. (For those who don’t know, Tuesdays are “cheap” days – fuel, movies, movie rentals and pizzas – cost less). Stressed from work, they just wanted something funny to chill.
Her housemate and her were quite giggly at the beginning, when the movie talked about fate and chance meetings (think Fated Guy). Therapist Fren (who knew my female owner watching the movie – power of technology) called it “movie of her life”. My female owner finally settled down after a while. But she nearly rolled off the sofa when she found out that the female protagonist was a counsellor. Hmmm, how oddly similar.

Anyway, my female owner didn’t think that the plot was similar to Fated Guy and her’s chance encounters. For one, they didn’t have a whale of a time on the first day they met, or even anytime afterwards. For two, there was no mutual romantic attraction and hence, for three, they didn’t even try to look for each other afterwards.

It’s just a movie folks. Move on.

disengaged

My female owner feels disengaged from her bible study group. She’s not sure if it is the stress from doing her thesis that is causing her not to enjoy the group as much as before. She still treasures certain individuals in the group and would find time to socialise with them but finds it a chore to talk to the “unfamiliar people”. Little things that some people do or say in the group annoy her and make her think “what nonsense is this?”. She knows that this is not healthy and at times, just wants to disengage totally, like disappear, so that the group can move on happily without her. She doesn’t really want to put on a happy face when she really isn’t. Or engage in small talk when all she wants is to be quiet and keep to herself. It’s no longer a place where she is who she is.

Alas, it is impossible to disappear, given that her house is like a social hub for church people. Thankfully, the people who hang around her house are the people whom she feels comfortable to. Yet, not comfortable enough to share these inner conflicts.

continues

And the story continues…

My female owner decided to go to uni early on Sunday to work on some statistics (for her mother). She caught a lift from her housemate who dropped her near the library. Hence, my female owner decided to make a detour to the library to drop off some books before going back to her office to start work.

As she walked away from the library, lo and behold, she saw Fated Guy from a distance. The look of shock on his face mirrored hers. He was on the way to lunch (coincidentally, he had tabao-ed the leftovers from their dinner on Friday – just two Vietnamese rice rolls) and asked if my female owner was going to have lunch. For those who are curious, he said that he decided to go to school that Sunday to do work (and this is something he had not done in a long time).

And yes, they ended up having (impromptu) lunch at a café and he bought her coffee, since they “met by chance”. More sharing took place. A little about religion and weight. How diverse.

Some parts of the conversations were classic, especially this part where he said to her (after sharing about how he meets random people on his backpacking trips/ school and they become friends), “actually, I am very shy”. Accompanied with a sheepish grinz.

Such a familiar statement!

expand

My female owner realised with horror that her “Onli Frens” in Brisbane seems to be her church friends. She was so distressed, she called up Therapist Fren to unload. Anyway, here’s why.

Thursday before Good Friday till Monday after Easter: Gold Coast with church group (slot in I-Fren whom she met briefly for jogging – she doesn’t really consider him as a “church friend” but a “personal friend”, if it makes sense). Dinner after jogging with church group.

Tuesday: last minute movie night at her house with some church friends

Wednesday: movie with some church friends

Thursday: home dinner with some church friends

Friday: meant to have dinner with the female church friends, but my female owner couldn’t bear the thought of that, so she went out with a non-church friend (Fated Guy). She came home about 2000hr and chatted with some church friends who were over at her house for bible study (from a different group)

Saturday (today): she went for her maiden baby shower of a non-church friend. In the evening, when she got home, some church friends were at her house (coz someone just moved in and they had helped to move earlier). She declined to go for yet another dinner with them (same group as Thursday night actually).

Sunday: What can I say? Church group?

A brief tally if I may:
In ten days (Thursday before Good Friday till today), she met
- Mr Nice Guy for 6 days
- Emo Sponge for 9 days
- Another guy for 9 days
- Another gal for 7 days (her new housemate)

I reckon it’s really time for her to expand her social network. You think?

Fated Guy

My female owner skipped dinner with her church friends last night to have dinner with Fated Guy. Remember, that guy that she bumps into at random places. Being the nice guy he is, he picked her up from work and they ended up at West End.

As with the lunch she had with this random Singaporean guy, my female owner felt a little odd initially. The dinner was really the first time the two of them interacted beyond their usual coincidental 10mins encounters.

Yes, my female owner found another person who speaks her professional language, from a slightly different perspective, given that he is a trained social worker (think Functional Fren) completing his Masters in Counselling. Ah, the kind of profile that engages my female owner beyond the typical nonsense fun of a social gathering.

And of course, they didn’t run out of things to talk about (how could you, if it is your first meeting). My female owner gleefully found out that Fated Guy is an outdoor person who enjoys (get this right), camping, bush-walking, backpack travelling and endurance sports. How exciting! There and then, they spoke about doing a backpacking trip around Australia later in the year (although it doesn’t sound feasible for my female owner, given her schedule, it’s still good to have some hope eh?). In her typical passive style, she told him “let me know if you are going bush-walking, I will be happy to come along”.

They also went on a deeper level to talk about their post-graduation plans (Fated Guy is going to graduate in July). While Fated Guy looks to the uncertainty with excitement (he called himself an “explorer and adventurer”), my female owner looks to the lack of plans with fear and anxiety. Certainly a refreshing change from the way she had always looked at her situation. Also refreshing in the sense that he is in a similar situation as she is, unlike the rest of her friends who are already working and comfortable in their current circumstances.

investing

My female owner struggled with many self-created issues this year. Through this conference, she reached a stage of acceptance that things were never going to be the same again. It is only wise to embrace changes and maximise them, than to pin for the glories past and wallow in self-pity.

First of all, she reckons she has to be even more deliberate in not comparing her current church group with the previous group. This is the present reality and people are still warm and supportive. If anything at all, my female owner is probably the coldest and most anti-social of the lot. And she suffers major cognitive dissonance from this, because she is supposedly one of the oldest (age-wise and years of being a Christian) and a psychologist (hence an expert on human interactions?).

Also, my female owner worked out that there’s a sort of spiritual restlessness that has been bothering her. She knows she can do more for God and people in need but she hasn’t ventured beyond her comfort zone. She does the occasional organising of events, cooking and helping out with small tasks in her bible study group. That’s about it.

My female owner is proactively passive. She doesn’t do anything unless someone asks her to (same like her jogging – she doesn’t push beyond her pain threshold unless someone leads). And then she would do it in an obsessively neurotic and perfectionist fashion and get worked up about processes and outcomes, and questionable decisions.

More than not being passive, t\it’s also about investing the gifts that God has given her to bless others. You know, like the parable of the talents. Not that she has really figured out what her gifting are but my female owner thought that she could start at where she is at now – using her helping skills to lend others a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on. But this means that she has to first work on her anti-social tendencies so that people will feel comfortable enough to open up to her. Oh well, there’s no social escape for her.

escapade

My female owner finally returned from her getaway to the Gold Coast. She didn’t really bring a camera as she knew she would be too lazy to take many photos. So I don’t have any photos to spice up my Turtle Pad.

Anyway, her first night was spent in a hotel with three friends, having seafood and playing Monopoly. Not a strategic game player, she was the first to be bankrupt. *applause* The foursome had great fun nonetheless but had to ssshhh themselves up after being scolded by the hotel staff for laughing too loudly.

The next four days were spent in a church conference, the annual Oceania Conference. Every conference (she has been to three) is different and hence, impacts her in different ways. She had her heart-warming moments and her “what-am-I-doing-here?” flashes too. But overall, she likens it to an annual detoxing therapy, where she gets rid of the spiritual cobwebs in her life and polishes her spirit up for a new year.

Her escapade ended appropriately with a run with I-Fren who happened to be in her area today. They were supposed to meet up in the Coast over the weekend but a major breakdown in communication resulted in them going to different locations. But well, at least they got to jog eventually.

So there, a summary of her weekend. Will update with more details soon!

Increased population is leading to sick turtles - UQ News Online - The University of Queensland

Increased population is leading to sick turtles - UQ News Online - The University of Queensland

nonchalent

My female owner finally figured out what happened on Sunday when she had a mini emo outburst in church. She concluded that she was just being hormonal. Literally. Her monthly visitor arrived last night, perhaps a week early. She doesn’t know why, and thought it was a bit annoying since she is all prepped up for an extended weekend which starts like erm, today? But then, she has been in worse situations before, like when her visitor came during her diving weekend, or on the very day when she has a school camp. In recent times, it might have been when she was camping.

Anyway, my female owner also has gotten out of the habit of tracking her monthly cycle. She just knows vaguely when it is expected to start and yah, just react accordingly. How’s that for being nonchalent?