career

One of us turtles possible career options..

children

It’s October!! Happie Children’s Day to you… and to us turtles. Last quarter of the year for everyone. It’s the crunch-time for those who have been slacking in the year. Time to wake up and pay their dues (that includes her actually).

My female owner always believed in the inner child. Hence, given a choice, she would celebrate Children’s Day with her adult friends. Maybe it’s just an excuse for her NOT to grow up. Strange that she doesn't really like children though... Once, her ex told her in frustration “I want to be with a lady, not a girl”. On well… that’s history anyway.

Anyway, for everyone out there, take time to celebrate Children’s Day.

statistics

My female owner rejected two lunch appointments today to stay home to do some statistics for her research work/ thesis (the boundaries are blurring, she doesn’t quite know what goes towards what). She also wanted to have some time to herself, after so many days of socialising.

8 hours after she started work, she is still struggling through basic statistical concepts.

What’s the difference between standard error of mean and standard error of measurement? Are they interchangeable?

How do you calculate test-retest reliability using SPSS?

Most importantly, how do you calculate reliability change index?

Hour by hour, she feels herself sinking deeper and couldn’t help but mentally sprouting vulgarities at herself (you know, at her stupidity, lack of understanding etc etc). Her anxiety and neuroticism are in full gear today. In desperation, she actually turned to Wikipedia and random websites for some ideas. By now, she is feeling mentally spent and physically stoned. Her room is in a big mess, with things lying around, surely an outward manifestation of the clutter in her mind. Her mood low and her sense of hope, microscopic. She started hallucinating about chocolate chip cookies. Okay, I’m kidding. She just wished she had some to munch on. Even the thought of celebrating Mooncake Festival tomorrow with some friends failed to excite her. Feeling lousy and highly anti-social, my female owner reckons that she will hibernate at home till the end of the week (and hope that no one notices her absence so that she doesn’t have to answer questions).

menopause

sense

My female owner can’t believe how quickly two weeks flew by. It seemed like just yesterday when she was eagerly counting the days/ hours to seeing Second Onli Fren again. A couple of hours ago, she hugged SOF goodbye. It was the end of her two-week holiday in Brisbane.

My female owner was left with a sense of “unfinished business”. She felt as if she did not spend enough time with SOF. No doubt, the amount of time they spent together was probably more than the total amount of time they spent together in 2008, but somehow, my female owner felt that the interaction was not deep enough. Not as intimate and heart-to-heart as she would like it to be. Sure thing. They spent time doing different things together but most of the time, there were other people around as well. She probably had about 6 hours of alone time with SOF.

And now that SOF is gone, my female owner is grappling with a sense of loss and void. She says it is like you have gotten used to life without something but when that something (or someone) comes back, you start to adapt yourself to that addition as previously before it left, but when that addition is once again taken away from you, you are left stranded, with a greater sense of helplessness as compared to previously when you had gotten used to life without it.

Hmm… if that makes sense. It was the same kind of feeling she had when she went for her Gold Coast escapade with Potahto in Mar 2008 and when they parted, it was painful for my female owner. She was almost in tears as she turned away from the train station after saying goodbye to Potahto.

Oh well, it’s never really goodbye but “till we meet again”, isn’t it? After all, absence makes the heart grow fonder..

what if

My female owner says that she will be back in Singapore in 69 days. And it is with fear and trepidation that she awaits the final day. Such an irony isn’t it? For someone who claims that she can’t wait to be home again.

Home is where the heart is. My female owner still regards Singapore as her home. She holds her beloved family and friends close to her heart.

At the same time, her affection for Brisbane (and the lifestyle) is increasing. She knows that she is going to miss her Brisbane friends when she returns to Singapore. They were just talking about having a birthday party for Dec babies and well, my female owner won’t be around for that. For the first time, her MSN contacts for “Brisbane” are more active than the other categories of her life (e.g. “Aikido”, “Colleagues”, “Church”). Just two days ago, someone found out that she would be returning to Singapore in December and later on, asked her privately “how long will you be gone?”

My female owner felt a wave of familiarity as she heard those words, spoken in a well-meaning tone. It was exactly how her friends had asked (“how long will you be gone?”) when she told them that she would be leaving Singapore to further her studies. For the first time, she felt that maybe, home is now Brisbane and she is leaving Brisbane for a foreign country. For how long? She hasn’t decided. 6 weeks? 8 weeks? Depends.

I guess that’s why my female owner is apprehensive about returning home. What if she went home and found out that she can’t fit in anymore? That her friends have moved on with their respective lives and there is a widening gap that can no longer be bridged? That would be heart-wrenching for my female owner.

On the flip side, what if she went home and found that she really loved Singapore and Brisbane, at the end of the day, is just a passing season in her life, an illusion she created (at the cost of more than 100k) just so that she could escape a bad job and a failed relationship? Won’t that make leaving Singapore another painful experience?

You know what, I think my female owner thinks too much for her own good. “Live in the present!” as what one of her friends told her. “Let go of the past!” as many had admonished her. Like it or not, 69 days is going to pass quickly and before you know it, she will be back! Let The Balcony party!!!

prickly

My female owner is edgy today. I think it is a sure sign of stress. She caught up with Onli Fren on MSN and one of the first things Onli Fren said was “why are u anti-men today?”

Hmm. That made my female owner do a double-take. Over the weekend, she was exposed to “good men”.

For example, Mr Nice Guy who drove them all the way from St Lucia to Noosa Heads (about 3 hours) and back, without complaining. He even washed and cleaned the car (which belonged to another person) by himself and without being asked.

Two guys (including Mr Nice Guy) who woke up early on Saturday to prepare breakfast (think McMuffins and Hotcakes).

Guys who volunteered to carry a heavy backpack for a female friend during the Coastal Trail.

Yet, she is still prickly about guys. Particularly because over a few days, she saw how SOF was “hen-packed” in the presence of SOF’B. Despite her wilful inclinations, my female owner is submissive at heart and I know she would want her guy to lead in the relationship. In fact, she finds guys who lead and are decisive attractive. But she cannot tolerate guys who make decisions without considering what the gal wants or guys who override their partners’ decisions for no good reason (e.g. just a matter of preference).

But well… not all guys are bad. So hopefully, she will stop being so edgy.

crash

Now that her holiday is over, my female owner is hit with the dire state of her school and work commitments. By the end of the coming week (which is the semester break), she needs to complete the following:

• One group assignment on geriatric depression
• One written assignment on child sexual abuse
• At least half an assignment (i.e. 2500words) on interventions for caregivers of people with dementia
• Statistical analyses for one chapter of her thesis (that means having to figure out how to do things like reliability change index and ANOVA/ MANOVA…. And she is clueless)
• Organise her thoughts for the sex and couple therapy assignment (which she knows she won’t have time to start)

In addition, SOF is still around so my female owner foresees herself spending 1-2 days with her.

October looks nasty for my female owner actually. Oh no. Will she crash again?

ecstatic

Been such a long while since I heard from my female owner. For a couple of days, I thought she disappeared from the surface of the earth and wondered seriously, if I (and the rest of us turtles) would ever see her again.

It turns out that she had been busy playing host to Second Onli Fren (or baby-sitting as she puts it). Things they did included eating at Nando’s (Potahto would be familiar with this), citycating along Brisbane River, photo-taking at Southbank, having ice-cream (growing fatter actually) there, baking muffins, making mango pudding, and nuaing at one of my female owner’s friends house, staying over and shopping (again!).

And she fitted all these into her regular schedule of school and work. No wonder she vanished into thin air!

To add to that, my female owner escaped Brisbane to Noosa Heads (north of Brisbane) for a getaway with her church friends over the weekend. 9 of them stayed over in a gorgeous villa on Friday night, each paying only $40 for that million dollar experience (comes with a heated pool cum jacuzzi) and awesome fellowship.

They were joined by 9 others on Saturday (the non-stayers) for a day at the beach. While waiting for the non-stayers to come, the first group went for a short bushwalk along the Coastal Trail where they were treated to scenic views of the beach and ocean. Unexpectedly, they even spotted a mother whale and her baby swimming by… and a koala high up in the eucalyptus tree. All these sightings for free! My female owner did not take any photos coz her friends had cameras and so, she said to check her FB for photos.

And, with that ecstatic high she experienced since Thursday morning, no wonder my female owner suffered an emotional crash on Saturday. She started to talk less and became quiet. It was so visible that her church friends wondered if she was ok. I think my female owner was socially over stimulated, if there’s such a condition.

Ah, fun times indeed. Now to settle the financial, emotional and time debts..

hypothetical

It’s quite an obvious thing to say at most cross-roads of your life, you have to make a decision among the different choices that you have. And the decision you make affects the trajectory of your life thereafter. So for example, your choice of junior college. My female owner chose to attend a neighbourhood school even though she could get into some of the top colleges. In doing so, she made some really good friends (e.g. Couple Fren). Sometimes, when she is with them, she would wonder, “what happens if I did not attend this school? Where would I be now, since I wouldn’t have known them? Who would have been my friends instead?” Questions which she can never answer of course.

The same goes for many of her social events. Say, last night, when she was with SOF and her boyfriend. My female owner started to wonder, “what happens if I never knew SOF? Would this event (referring to the dinner they cooked) still happen?” SOF and boyfriend would probably be together, but the dinner might not have happened, coz it was sparked by a random suggestion by my female owner to cook pig’s trotters.

Say tonight for example. After having dinner with her church friends, she went to Mr Nice Guy’s house to learn how to change guitar strings. Watching Mr Nice Guy and her guitar teacher at work, my female owner started to wonder, “if I had never come to Brisbane, I won’t be here. Where would I be now?”

The thought of parallel worlds. At some random moments, my female owner would dissociate from her surroundings and start to look at things as if she was not part of the situation. Just an observer. Wondering how life might be different, if she had chosen a different path from the one she is currently taking. Even something as hypothetical as how would life have turned out, if she had come to Brisbane in 2007 instead of 2008.

surprise

My female owner finally came back from a two-day pseudo getaway with Second Onli Fren (SOF) and her boyfriend (SOF’B). She says it is pseudo because really, all they did was to go to Chinatown for lunch, Jindalee for cheap shopping, some girl-time at her house (without SOF’B of course), bible study in St Lucia (like ten mins from where my female owner lives), bubble tea at Sunnybank, weekend marketing at Rocklea, Aldi’s and Sunnybank (again), home-cooking at his house in Cooper Plains (once again, it’s the guy who did the yummy cooking. Shame on the gals!) and finally, back to her house for some chit-chat. So really, they did things that they might have normally done in Brisbane, just that now, SOF is around to experience their way of life firsthand.
Sometimes, looking at SOF, my female owner can’t believe that she is really next to her in flesh and blood. It’s such a surreal feeling for my female owner, to have her good friend sitting next to her, talking about random stuff. Just like the good old days…

Despite the years of friendship, there will always be things that would surprise you. My female owner learnt that SOF once didn’t really like her at first coz she felt that my female owner was aloof. This was exactly what Onli Fren felt about my female owner, before they became great friends. My female owner never knew that SOF felt that way too; she only found out because SOF was telling one of my female owner’s bible study friends how their friendship started.

Hmm… My female owner really puts in great efforts to make enemies eh.

read

My female owner has been grouchy over the past few days. She didn’t really think so, but Therapist Fren pointed out to her that although she said that she was ok, her tone over the phone (they spoke for more than an hour) was down and edgy. My female owner didn’t really think it was PMS… until Therapist Fren reminded her that PMS really stood for pre-present-post menstrual syndrome.

Reflecting back, my female owner had to admit that she had been more complaining than usual this week. Hmmm… Small things annoyed her. Past issues irritated her. Innocuous social contact made her withdraw even more into her shell (she’s really the mother of all turtles). Only interactions with familiar and trusted few soothed her nerves.

Ever since my female owner started on her second externship, her self-confidence grew. This was largely due to her supervisor who explicitly expressed her confidence in my female owner and tirelessly drew out examples of things she did well in. One thing she told my female owner to do was to “trust your instincts” because she had seen how my female owner’s instincts had helped direct her therapeutic decisions which then translated into “light bulb” moments for her clients.

My female owner had always given people the benefit of the doubt (sometimes unwisely) and she hardly trusted her instincts because she felt that she could be wrong. This explains why she has always been naïve and gullible. (Even Functional Fren, a trusted ally, plays tricks on her and my female owner is none the wiser… until he confesses. Because my female owner knows he means no harm, she doesn’t take his pranks to heart). But since that talk, my female owner made more effort to observe and read people and sometimes, she doesn’t like what she reads. And she ends up feeling bad for reading negative things in people. You know, it’s like passing judgements on people. “This person cannot be trusted”. “What’s wrong with him?? So old already still like that”. You get the drift.

Maybe that’s why she has been feeling grouchy.

10%

My female owner did her culling of FB friends and she removed 27 people on her list. That's exactly 10% from her original of 271. How coincidental! So she has 244 friends now.

And there was a time when she wondered if she would even hit 100 friends. How short-sighted she was!

when God made you

Apparently in a romantic mood, my female owner thought how nice it would be to dedicate this song to someone.

cull

My female owner culled some handphone contacts recently.... and some MSN contacts. She says that she will cull some FB friends next.. Right now, she has 271 friends. Let's see how many she will get rid off...

This is the Introvert speaking. She doesn't need many friends. She is more interested in deep, intimate friendships.

again

My female owner had a conversation with her Functional Fren today, after a long while. She always appreciates friends updating her about their lives coz it helps her to feel connected to her friends and also valued (like, they bothered to keep her in the loop about their lives).

So anyway, FF started of the MSN exchange by alerting her to his latest FB update, which, unsurprisingly, is a MBTI analysis of his career choice. Now, FF and her had countless conversations about MBTI. He even did an analysis of her, before knowing her profile, and got it right.

Curious, my female owner attempted the same FB quiz... and going through the questions, she started to wonder what might happen if she didnt get the same result as always. Her profile had always been consistently INFP. And surprise surprise, her result was as per usual, INFP! For some reason, my female owner expected something else to appear. Anyway, my female owner can imagine herself in any of the careers suggested. Hmmm..

__________________________________________

INFP - The Idealist

You are a special and sensitive individual that needs a career which is more than just a job. You need to feel that what you do everyday has special meaning and can live your life in accordance to your strong value system. You are focused on constant growth and have a positive outlook on life. Because you are driven to do find meaning and purpose in your work, you will be happiest in careers where you are allowed to work towards those values you hold and towards the greater good of humanity as a whole. Many of the great writers of the world have been INFPs.

Some of your personality traits include:
* Strong value systems
* Warmly interested in people
* Service-oriented, usually putting the needs of others above your own
* Loyal and devoted to people and causes
* Future-oriented
* Growth-oriented; always want to be growing in a positive direction
* Creative and inspirational
* Flexible and laid-back, unless a ruling principle is violated
* Sensitive and complex
* Dislike dealing with details and routine work
* Original and individualistic - "out of the mainstream"
* Excellent written communication skills
* Prefer to work alone, and may have problems working on teams
* Value deep and authentic relationships
* Want to be seen and appreciated for who you are

Some of your suggested careers are:
* Writer
* Counselor / Social Worker
* Teacher / Professor
* Psychologist
* Psychiatrist
* Musician
* Clergy / Religious Workers

Kevin Kern - Touch the Sky

My female owner has always enjoyed Kevin Kern's music. She never knew that he cant see. Watching this video, seeing how fluently he navigated the keys and the emotions he put in his songs made her realise that really, one is only limited by the restrictions he places on him.

restless

My female owner is feeling very restless today. She did absolutely nothing today, except to pull herself out of her house to attend her 3pm lecture. She had great thoughts of skipping class. Someone was telling her to just go, since she lives so near school. My female owner’s reply was that it is not a convenience issue, but a motivational one.

She is also restless because Second Onli Fren is arriving in the wee hours of Wed morning! Woohoo! Just a couple of days more. I know she can’t wait to see her again. They used to spend so much time together… sleeping over at each other’s houses, scuba-diving, exercising, eating, eating, more eating, serving in church together, playing bridge, talking through the wee hours of the morning…

Actually, I must attribute my female owner’s flute learning journey (and us turtles’ suffering) to Second Onli Fren. For some strange reason, both of them got interested in learning to play the flute at the same time. So, with peer encouragement, they signed up for classes at Yamaha. Second Onli Fren missed the first two lessons, attended the next one, and quitted after that, leaving my female owner to carry on with her flute exploits. Talk about being abandoned from the word “go”!

Yah, so anyway, my female owner’s feeling sianz today. There’s no one online whom she wanna talk to. Nothing to look forward to for the night (especially since both her housemates are home so early…)

And a happie thought just popped into her head… “get some durian chips!” oh well, at least she is good at self-regulating her mood.

cook

My female owner always says that you can tell a person’s character from the way he cooks.

In my female owner’s bible study group, people take turns to cook for one another. Outside of church, she sometimes has potluck dinners with her friends or cooks dinner with them.

It’s not the culinary skills that she looks out for. Rather, she looks at how people put a meal together that tells her more about the person. Using this, she has encouraged many individuals with the positives she observed. As a food team leader, she always encourage her members to “cook with the heart”, coz her personal belief is that when people see the sincerity through the food, they will enjoy the food more. She also hopes that will take the pressure of her team to “perform” as well as the masterchefs in her bible study group.

Erm, the same can’t be said about the way she prepares food for us turtles. It comes straight out of a container… and once every two days at best. Sometimes, she procrastinates and we don’t get fed till the 3rd day. But well, there was a time when she actually boiled mini pieces of carrots for Dodo (who liked it so much) and Dona… and received a shelling from her mother for being “so free”. Apparently, she got jealous that my female owner took time to boil carrots for my brothers but didn’t bother to prepare a meal for her.

speechless

My female owner had a mini outburst today because of what someone said to her yesterday. Instead of internalising her emotions (as what she would normally do), she decided to clear her system by talking to I-Fren about it (since he would know where she was coming from). Yah, the outburst came from the sharing coz she had suppressed her reactions for a good part of yesterday.

Looks like my female owner is still in the early stages of establishing her sense of self, clarifying her values/ beliefs and recognising her internal compass. Brisbane09 has been a fruitful journey for her in countless ways. Having said that, the more she grew/ learnt/ discovered, the more she realised that there are so much more she wants to work on in terms of character building, personal development and spiritual maturity. And each challenge she faced (like yesterday) presents a chance for her to respond in a more appropriate manner, and to reflect on how she has changed.

My female owner says that while she was speechless (as she normally would be when caught offguarded) when her friend said something uncalled for (in her opinion), the way she handled the aftermath was less emotional and rash than before. Well, she did realise that she needs to work more on thinking on her feet and conflict management. For now, she has decided to move on and let go of her negative emotions. She has sort-of worked out her values and beliefs with regards to the issue and if approached by anyone, she knows what she will say to stand by her choice of actions. Of course, at this point in time, it still has to be an amiable exchange, and not a sudden confrontation. Otherwise, she would be speechless again. At the end of the day, my female owner is still not up to that sort of intense interpersonal exchange.

For now, my female owner thinks that it would be great if people will listen first and not jump to conclusions.

another birthday!

It's my brothers' 9th birthday today!

Wah, they are so old already. Almost double digit. We girls started living with them when we crossed the "cute stage" for our original owner and my female owner took us in so that we could receive better care.

Wishing them happie birthday! I know my female owner misses them... and us! Evidence? She looked into a fish tank, saw a goldfish... and interacted with it, the way she would with us!

Dona (the smaller turtle) is camera-shy.. so we dont have many photos of him. That's Dodo on the left...

Another rare shot of my brothers together. Notice how Dodo is nosing Dona. He always does that. Makes me wonder if Dodo has a special affection for Dona...

Dodo... comfortable in my female owner's hands (as always) while she takes a picture of him.

reminded

After working hard for 6 weeks running, my female owner is starting to feel physically exhausted. Not in a depressive sense, but just perhaps, burnt out. So it is timely that she is getting a three weeks’ break from her externship placement due to the school holidays. My female owner has seldom looked forward to Fridays, the way she has in recent times. Fridays (and some part of weekends) are now like an oasis for her.

So anyway, my female owner began counting down her commitments before the rest of the year is over. 13 weeks till December… 7 weeks of coursework… etc etc.

Today, God reminded her that what it really means is that she has 12 more weeks to go before her time in Brisbane 09 is over. 12 weeks. It is not about counting down the number of weeks back to Singapore. It is about maximising the remaining time she has, to achieve even greater spiritual maturity and intimacy with God.

Today, God reminded her of the first few weeks she spent in Brisbane last year. Particularly, how He helped her ease into the local church. Also, His faithfulness and protection leading her back into His presence.

Finally, God reminded that He knows beforehand the things that my female owner is going to experience (or had experienced, depending on what time-frame you are using) and if He had allowed some things to happen, He has/ had those events under control. So my female owner can rest in the knowledge of His sovereign will and know that she can overcome all things that come in her way.

ang pow

Being away from Singapore means that my female owner misses all her friends’ weddings. Actually, at her age, most of her friends are already in the baby-making stage (yeah, she is so far behind... but that's a separate story altogether). So she is missing out on two significant life events of her friends.

Come to think of it, the ones who are getting married are actually her ex-girls! Yeah, the girls she used to nurture when they were fresh out of Sunday School. A couple of them are getting married…. to her peer male friends. Hmmm... must have been interesting for her to see how things had developed over the years.

So, anyway, after being out of touch of the “market rate” for so long, it was handy that one of her friends sent her this.

stats

Procrastinating on doing statistical analyses for her research work, my female owner decided to start the ball rolling by running a statistical analysis of her friends on FB.

Most common name: Tan (4 friends)
Most common zodiac sign: Libra (25 friends)
Longest name: Straysvolunteers Tan
Shortest name: TJ Tan
Female/Male: 47% / 53%
Single/Taken: 31% / 69%
Youngest friend: 18 years old
Longest life: 49 years old
Average age: 28 years old

Hmmm…Looks like my female owner’s friends are on average, 10 years older than her. Hurhur! I think I know who the 18yo is. As part of English tuition, she once had to look at my brothers, Nana (when he was still alive) Dodo and Dona and write a short composition about them. Must have traumatised her badly then.

gender

Another one of those pensive days… its her parents’ wedding anniversary. 34th it seems. And also, her ex-bf’s birthday. So you can imagine what she is thinking about. Truth be told, my female owner often wonders what happened to him. More of curiosity than pinning (good heavens, no!).

Anyway, a guy recently declared to her a few times, that “girls are troublesome, so it’s better to remain single”. Hmmm… the male version of her “all guys are bad” statement. She was actually taken aback to hear this coming from a Christian brother, spoken with great exasperation and frustration too. I wonder what happened to him.

And another guy (who was around) was lamenting how unreasonable girls are, to expect guys to understand them, when they keep changing their minds. And together, they (the two guys) said that girls should just say what they want, instead of hinting or expecting the guy to know.

Oh well… gender differences. My female owner, being out-numbered and trapped in a car (that's the best place to have a captive audience), wisely listened and displayed (professional?) empathy for their difficulties.

chance

It has happened so many times that my female owner doesn’t know whether to be spooked by it.

It started in the postgrad pantry of the School of Psychology on the first day of class in Sem 1 this year. She was about to use the microwave oven when he also approached it. My female owner offered to let him use first. Her curiosity was aroused because Asian guys appearing in the postgrad pantry of the School of Psychology was a rare occurrence. She thought he might be a new student.

After lunch, she trotted off for her first class in domestic violence. Lo and behold, he entered the class. Mildly shocked at the coincidence, my female owner quickly figured out that he is a postgrad counselling student.

My female owner didn’t expect more “coincidences” to happen, after the two chance encounters within an hour. She was so wrong.

Soon after this, they happened to meet at the entrance of the library and chatted.

She met him once along the road, as she entered school at 6pm on a weeknight (she was meeting her supervisor, he was obviously on the way home). Again, they chatted.

Once, she saw him entering the library, as she was heading that way to meet Therapist Fren who had to meet someone else to pass on some materials. Anti-social, she decided to hang around outside before going in. She met Therapist Fren and waited with her for the person…. who turned out to be him! And they continued a conversation from the previous encounter. There’s no escape it seems.

Attending her first psychology class of Sem 2, she saw him in the class. He had chosen it as an elective. The chance encounters did not end there.

Recently, she met him again, at Sunnybank, on a random weekday where she was grocery shopping with Therapist Fren after an afternoon of tim-sum. She thought maybe he stays in Sunnybank.

And in one of the few times she went to the library this Sem, she was hunting for a particular book, when he appeared at the very aisle… and was looking for a book at the very spot she was at.

Today was probably the weirdest occurrence of all. She was in school doing some work. In the evening, after some procrastination, she eradicated herself to do a short run around the school. Finishing up at 1800hr, on a Saturday evening in uni, she met him again while going back to her office. He had just finished swimming and was going back to his locker. She asked him where he lived (coz of the chance encounter at Sunnybank) and found out that he lived in the same suburb as her. Hmmm..

How weird are these encounters?! She meets him more often by chance than any of her friends, in vastly different circumstances too. And before you think, wah, so fated, maybe it’s a sign… my female owner has been quick to point out that he is shorter than her. So no go.

The lion reunion christian full

My female owner cried when she watched this video (as usual!). This is the news clip: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gjZr2UuOalo

Ah, she had been asked many times to release us turtles into the wild. If she ever does (which I hope she doesn't!! we are so domesticated already and can't swim), I'm sure us turtles will come running towards her, as fast as our little hands and legs can carry us, if we see her standing by the pond, waiting for our appearance.

Learning English through Exercise

My female owner couldnt decide whether the clip was to help people learn English through exercise, or learn exercise through English. Some of the moves, though slow, look like they require complex motor coordination.

emo-ness

My female owner had an ultra-emo day yesterday. She just felt like being emo, even though there was nothing really wrong in her life. Or maybe, there is really something wrong in her life, since she is emo over nothing! Anyway, she was largely stressed over her research work and tutor responsibilities.

For the first time ever, she showed her emo-ness to some of her bible study group friends over email. This is just a group of six individuals who spent one random night playing the boardgame Man Law Woman Rule (apparently, this is a really fun and eye-opening game to play, if you want to know your friends better) and thereafter, kept chatting over email.

In the midst of her emo-ness, she received an email from a good fren who was mega-emo. My female owner then tore herself away from her own emo-ness, in order to draft a supportive email back. But she got sucked deeper into the emo vibes. She also found out that one of her friends is using drugs and felt responsible (but helpless) to do anything about it.

At night, she went for a prayer meeting held in the house of one of her bible study group friends (who cooked a yummy beef noodle soup for everyone! So sweet!!). She was touched when one of them recalled the contents of her email and asked if she would like to be prayed for (people are actually processing what she wrote!). The night ended with her practicing for worship with some of her friends. Everyone was tired and couldn’t coordinate properly (timing, pitch etc), but they had great fun in the midst of the chaos.

Coming home, she found out that she actually clocked less than 75mins for her 10km run on Sunday. That was a pleasant surprise, coz she thought she would take two hours, although she was aiming for less than 85mins. In fact, her timing was faster than any of her previous attempts in Singapore (especially her first attempt when she was 23yo, so ageing hasn’t affected her speed, something to cheer about.)

Hmmm..

And this morning, her supervisor told her that the introduction draft (which she submitted to him last night) was good for her thesis, that it had the logic required and well, basically she just had to tighten it to use it in publications.

Phew. Some headway made, after working on that introduction for a few weeks.

Definitely less emo today.

fine-tuning

Amidst her jack-of-all-trades-master-of-none life, my female owner finally internalised that she had lost focus again. Before that, she only had fleeting thoughts about it.

She started this year, asserting that this is the year of dedication to God. The year started rough, with placement problems, homesickness, restarting in a new church group etc. Then she was confronted with issues of the past and had to deal with them. Her emotions went down and downer before they stabilised on an upswing.

After some months, she got used to Brisbane, had some major mindset shift and more or less settled down comfortably in her second year of overseas living.

My female owner felt that she had moved on from her bondages. No longer dwelling in the past or grieving over different losses. Therefore, she is now stronger, sharper and more stable. And that was when pride started to seep in, insidiously. She felt that she could take on more stuff given her newfound abilities. In her pursuit of a more fulfilling lifestyle, she had once again, deviated from God.

Prayers became half-hearted. Bible-reading became novel-reading. Her priorities shifted, her goals became blurred and she became too distracted with having fun to spend adequate time with God. She had become too proud and independent again. Time for fine-tuning again.

visit

My female owner went to bed happy last night. Her Couple Frens and her Second Onli Fren separately confirmed that they would be coming over to visit her this year. Finally! In fact, Second Onli Fren is going over in two weeks’ time (pack us in the suitcase and bring us over too)! She promised to bring over some snowskin mooncakes. My female owner tried to entice her to go jogging with her (they used to jog together, despite living in different areas and not having private transport) but was outrightly rejected ("can we do less healthy things?").

Second Onli Fren used to be the sportier of the two while my female owner was more sedentary (i.e. nerd).

SOF: "you need to realise that i've changed a lot over the years"

FO: "oh dear, so have I. we are on divergent paths now"

Nonetheless, still Onli Frens.

whines

How many ways can you come up with, to get out of something? My female owner signed up for the 10km Bridge to Brisbane and for about 2 weeks before today, she had been apprehensive about running. The plan was to run with her running buddies, both of whom are seasoned (read: faster and better) runners. She started generating escape plans:

• Standard modus operandi: Oversleep (most workable, but her friend had kindly agreed to provide transport)
• Desperate, she wondered if she should pray for rain (which she didn’t. come on, she’s not a wet blanket)
• Say she has menstrual cramps (but then, it had never been an issue)
• Pass her running tag to someone else (then again, her friends looked at her as if she is mad when she said she was going for 10km, so probably no takers…)
• Try to get sick
• Back out by saying that she signed up for the run during her psychotic episode (err.. who would believe right?)
• Just be assertive and maintain that she doesn’t want to run anymore (well… it’s not really true that she doesn’t want to run, she was just fearful of running such a long distance. She had self-limiting thoughts like she is too old already, that she will slow down her friends and cause them to wait eons for her)

As always, her whines are louder than her quiet resolve. She did attend the run (How could she back out last minute right? So old already, must be more reliable and less filmsy).

From the word go, her running buddies expectedly ran ahead of her. Hence, unlike all her past running events where her friends’ attitude was more similar to hers (“just run for fun”), my female owner ran by herself. Yet, she said it was the easiest run of all (hee, despite being the heaviest and fattest, and sleeping less than 4 hours. Plus, her dodgy knee was cooperative today). The prayer they made in the car before the run also helped to calm her down and shift her focus from her limitations to God’s provision and protection.

So anyway, she completed the run fairly smoothly and by God’s grace, her friends found her after a while. Post-running activities were meaningful too. They ended up at Sunnybank, having lunch and bubble tea (yay!). The fellowship was unlike with other social gatherings. This time, they spoke on a deeper level, a heart-to-heart connection that my female owner always valued and appreciated in her interactions with friends. Going beyond the surface, she calls it. It was such a relaxing day that she really felt as if she was on a holiday.

Reaching home at 2pm, my female owner spent the rest of Sunday comatose in bed. Old already lah. Need to recuperate.

listener

My female owner had a mini struggle last night. Her bible study group was going for bowling and she had no intentions of going because she absolutely hates bowling and didn’t want them to persuade her to bowl. But, it was Friday night and she didn’t want to be at home doing work (this was the struggle… to go or not to go). Anyway, someone called her at 6plus and persuaded her to “just come” and promised to protect her if anyone pressured her into bowling.

So she went, first for dinner and then bowling (and board games). One of her friends (not close) appeared agitated during dinner and hinted that he would like to talk to her later since he was not bowling as well.

My female owner has a very soft heart and she gets affected easily when her friends are upset. However, she didn’t know how to create the setting where he might feel comfortable sharing his issue. Finally, they had time to sit down next to each other while the rest bowled. He didn’t say anything. She didn’t too.

Gingerly, she asked… “are you ok?”

Well, that was the opening and he started sharing. But then again, it was an odd situation for my female owner. Very different from the formal therapeutic setting she works in and from the informal counselling she does with her distressed friends.

Definitely, this was not formal. Yet, it was not the same context as her informal counselling. Firstly, the guy did not tell her what the real issue was (although she could guess) and she didn't want to ask because of the second reason: he is not a close friend, so she had no “homeground advantage” and wasn’t sure how far she could go in fishing out information. Thirdly, she didn’t know whether to use a secular approach or a Christian approach (this is by far, the most “Christian” person who has approached her for counselling). The place was noisy, with many distractions etc, so it was hard too. So anyway, my female owner took the safest route which was active listening.

Her friend later turned the focus on my female owner and asked if there was anyone in the bible study group whom she would share her intimate issues with. My female owner looked around in front of her where the group was and shook her head. He then said the same thing as what many have said, that it would be good for her if she has one.

Upon reflection, my female owner realised that all the people who spoke to her about this had been guys. The most proactive one actually went through every single girl in the group with her (but my female owner had a reason against everyone of them). The less relational of the sexes, they are surprisingly, the ones who recognise the value of confiding in people. No girl has ever approached her to say that maybe it’s time that she starts to open up to others. Is everyone in denial?

Hmm… my female owner’s reply to him was to reflect what he had told her earlier, that it is not easy to find a good listener (what more a trained psychologist who would be more critical) in the group.. some too young, some cannot handle harsh emotions, some say the wrong thing, some are just not close enough.

cook

My female owner was touched by what her mother said to her recently over video.

M: “what did you have for dinner?”

FO: “err.. curry chicken”

M: “how did you get it?”

FO: “err… anyhow cook loh”

M: “I’m only waiting for you to come home so that….”

“I can taste your cooking” thought my female owner.

“…. I can cook for you everyday.”

Ouh, so sweet. Her mother is just waiting to cook for her yet again… What can separate you from your mother's love? Certainly not physical distance or time.

consider

For some untriggered reason, my female owner started considering converting to a PhD today. As usual, the pros and cons, the scenario paintings… the uncertainties and what ifs.

strawberries

My female owner says that fruits are expensive in Australia. This is surprisingly, considering that there is a lot of fresh produce grown in Australia. Just think, apples are sold 3 for $1 in Singapore. In Australia, it is about 40-50cent per fruit. Same with bananas. One bunch for about S$3. In Australia, its like 40-50cent/ fruit.

Despite the variety of fruits in the supermarket, my female owner finds that she often ends up buying apples, bananas and sometimes oranges. In summer, she would be indulging in stone fruits like nectarines, peaches and plums. When in season, grapes and cherries. If cheap enough, lychees and longans. The observant one may notice that my female owner gives big fruits a miss (defined as having to use a knife to cut into smaller pieces). These include watermelon, rock melon, honeydew, paw paw etc. Kiwis are small, but you need to cut them. So, they don’t really make it onto her shopping list. She doesn’t like pears coz it means “leave/ separate” in Mandarin (?!).

Right now, it appears to be the strawberry season. However, my female owner has never been too keen on strawberries. She realises that this is foolishness, coz Australia is THE place to get cheap and good strawberries. They are often sold for a premium in Singapore. Someone asked her why she doesn’t really fancy strawberries and after much thought, my female owner traced it back to her negative associations in Singapore.

Firstly, strawberries sold in Singapore were not only expensive but sour. Secondly, they made so many products out of strawberries, the greatest culprits of all: strawberry milk and strawberry ice-cream. My female owner could never figure out how bright red strawberries could turn so sickeningly pale pink in DAIRY products. There you have it, a double whammy. Thirdly, strawberries are pink, girlie girls like pink… some dress in everything pink.. so nauseating for my female owner. It definitely didn’t help that Hello Kitty is pink too. And that some of her ex-colleagues either worshipped Hello Kitty or the Strawberry.

So anyway, despite her misgivings, my female owner decided to give strawberries a chance and bought a small box today (250g). So far so good. Sweeter than sour.

Mama - Il Divo (Live Concert)

Mama thank you for who I am
Thank you for all the things I'm not
Forgive me for the words unsaid
And for the times
I forgot
Mama remember all my life
You showed me love,you sacrificed
Think of those young and early days
How I've changed
Along the way (along the way)
Bridge:
And I know you believed
And I know you had dreams
And I'm sorry it took all this time to see
That I am where I am because of your truth
And I miss you , I miss you
Mama forgive the times you cried
Forgive me for not making right
All of the storms I may have caused
And I've been wrong
Dry your eyes (dry your eyes)
Bridge : BECAUSE I know you BELIEVE
Mama I hope this makes you smile
I hope you're happy with my life
At peace with every choice I made
How I've changed
Along the way (along the way)
Cause I know you believed in all of my dreams
And I owe it all to you ,mama

names

My female owner decided that if she has daughters, she would name the first one, Natalie and the second, Natasha.

She used to want to name her son Jonathan, but growing up, she realised that so many guys are named Jonathan. So definitely, maybe not.

If she has no children, she will get dogs and cats and name them accordingly.

Hmm...

snap

My female owner feels out of sorts recently. Like a boat drifting in the ocean, aimlessly and without an anchor to secure its position amidst the big waves.

Outwardly everything is going right. Classes are manageable. Work passable. Placement is smooth-sailing. Bible study group friends awesome. She has things to look forward to.

Yet, inside her, she knows something is not clicking properly. Her heart is cold. She is not feeling again. She is distant from others. Socially warm, emotionally absent. Going through the motions yet again. Feeling out of control, or even, the lack of ability to gain control.

Is it her old self creeping back again? Are her old emotions seeping into the cracks of her past wounds again? Could it be effects of working with so many students with problems (sponging up all the negative vibes)?

It’s just a phrase. As always. She will snap out of it. She always does.

studying

My female owner had such a coincidental day, she couldn’t believe it.

It started with a planned guitar class with her guitar teacher, with another student. Just as class ended, another student came (he skipped class to see to some car matters). After chatting for a while, they decided to go for lunch at Hawken Drive (a small cluster of shops near UQ). The guy who skipped class then asked my female owner if she was going to uni today coz he wanted to go to the library to study for his CPA exam. Such a random question.

My female owner wasn’t sure if she wanted to go, but she decided to in the end. On the way there, she mentioned that he should jio another gal who is also studying for her CPA exam (these people are super high-achievers, working as accountants and upgrading their skills at the same time). So anyway, they ended up in the Law Library (my female owner never knew it existed), working in silence.

After an hour, in the midst of her struggle to keep awake without caffeine, she saw in her peripheral vision, someone looking at her. Turning her head, she saw the gal who was studying for her CPA exam! Turns out that she had been studying in the Law Library all this while and was on the way to get coffee.

Such coincidence. Delighted to see her, my female owner left her work to get coffee with her.

Library closed at 1700hr, so the gals went off to my female owner’s office to continue studying while the guy went home to “wash laundry”. Hmmm…

My female owner says that she was more productive today than other Saturdays and is delighted that she has some studying kakis now. Studying is like exercising she says. She’s more motivated when she does it with people.

placements

My female owner is currently doing her 4th placement (or 5th, if you consider the 100hour she clocked in Woodbridge Hospital in her previous job).

1st placement: Triple P Clinic
Was a good starting place because the manualised programme (parent training) is structured and all she had to do was to adjust accordingly to the family’s unique circumstances. Supervision was good, stable and beneficial.

2nd placement: University Clinic
A highly stressful experience, due to short timeline, variety of cases and a dodgy supervisor who was neither reliable (told her to go drinking at the pubs to get a sense of Aussie culture) nor dedicated (cancelled sessions and more). To soothe her anxiety, she over-prepared for her clients by reading up on therapeutic techniques to deal with their presenting problems (i.e. content).

She also took up several neuropsychological assessments to beef up her clinical hours. That also had an exponential effect on the amount of time she had to spend on writing reports. Her hard work was unexpectedly recognised when a client wrote in to the university with a $200 donation in recognition of her “good service”. Note: she was being supervised by a neuropsychologist for all these cases. So her dodgy supervisor had no part to play in this.

3rd placement: Residential aged care
You have heard heaps about her grouses. Certainly a very dark period of 2009 for her. A great sense of frustration, stuckness and incompetence followed her through the months. Unfamiliar with older adults, she also spent a great deal of time reading up on different kinds of therapy (e.g. reminiscence, grief and loss counselling etc) and later found that she could barely use any, coz the older adults were not engaged in therapy.

Supervision was technical (“so what are the three good things you did? What are three things you can improve on? What would you have done differently?”) and a chore. She wanted to skip supervision so many times, but held on, in the name of being professional. The silver lining in the placement? Being paid for it.

4th placement: Private school
She decided to deal with her professional anxiety about over-preparing for clients. Hence, she chose to focus less on content but more on process issues. E.g. building rapport, therapeutic alliance, being with the student (rather than just doing things), a lot more reflective listening, validation, flowing with the student’s needs, being more alert and sensitive to non-verbals, giving space and being comfortable with silence etc.

A couple of significant changes she made: making sure she has enough sleep to keep herself in tip-top condition to be with her students, not wasting time reading on techniques but in-session, focussing on being with her students, reading their body language and using herself (as person) as the main therapeutic tool (as opposed to her knowledge of effective therapeutic interventions).

Supervision has been awesome. Her supervisor has been supportive and enlightening. She gently corrected my female owner’s misconceptions about different issues, and brought in alternative perspectives during case discussions. My female owner feels that her strategy for this placement is bearing fruits. She finds herself more confident and less anxious when seeing students. To top it off, a student with severe depression recently wrote in to her teacher, thanking her teacher for referring her to my female owner. My female owner had not implemented any therapeutic techniques (think good old CBT) in the five sessions she had with her. All she did was to sit and be with the student, allowing her to talk about anything that is on her mind and when appropriate, reflect to provide emotional support. Seems like process skills are highly important in working with this population.

PhD

“I know something which you probably don’t want to do”

So said my female owner’s thesis supervisor. Besides being surprised by his statement, my female owner can’t help being amused by the way he framed his words. Indonesian Chinese man.

Using a pencil and paper to illustrate what he was going to say next, he wrote “DCP”, crossed it out, and wrote “PhD”.

“I’m wondering if you would consider changing your DCP to PhD”

He’s right. This is something which my female owner would probably not do, not that she has even considered it. Nonetheless, they spent the next 5 minutes exploring the feasibility of this option (graduate with a Masters and go on to a PhD? With a PhD taking just 1-2 more year?). In a way, my female owner was touched that her supervisor was thinking ahead for her. She had told him before that she would like to teach in a tertiary institution and with his depth of experience, he felt that the best way would be through a PhD and not a DCP.

“But only if you want to teach full-time teach at NUS”

confirm

My female owner has landed herself in a mini sticky situation.

You know how I once wrote about her not accepting dubious FB friend requests. One of the requests which she neither accepted nor rejected was from an acquaintance from her previous workplace. What made this acquaintance more repulsive was that he is a close ally of her “best friend”. She never really liked him but to be fair, he never stepped on her toes. So she maintained status quo and didn’t act on his request for a few months.

Come last night, he sent her a message on FB “Hi [female owner], u forgotten me already is it? Why never confirm me as ur friend in Facebook? Hahaha”

*faint*

How did he remember that she hasn’t confirmed him as a friend after so many months?

How do you respond to something like that?

gender

I think my female owner has a gender (according to psychologists, gender and sex are two different concepts) identity crisis. She has the sensitive emo characteristics of a female, but the active, restless energy of a male.

Her church is having their annual sex-divide event called Band of Brothers or Simply Woman. No prizes for guessing which sex will attend which event. My female owner was extremely drawn to what the guys would be doing – outdoor activities which involves mountain-climbing/ team-building activities at Mt Cootha. The gals would be meeting in air-conditioned rooms to learn about managing emotions/ relationships and choose a hands-on activity from dance/ self-defence/ make-up.

My female owner flatly refused to sign up for the event because of the stereotypical nature of the activities (and other considerations). Someone tried to entice her with the prospect of self-defence but she was like “but I know martial arts already”. What about make-up? Err… ever saw my female owner with make-up? Once in a blue moon. In fact, she wonders why so many gals signed up for make-up when they already know how to put on make-up.

My female owner used to say that she is a man trapped in a woman’s body and even asked an unfortunate guy friend (she can’t recall who now but must be someone close) if he thinks she is more suited to be a guy. The friend said “no”.

Hmm..

more

My female owner says that she is still plagued by itchy skin. What’s more, things escalated today coz she was awaken by 0500hr by itch and had problems getting back to sleep. She ended up oversleeping (this rarely happens, even if she has little sleep) and was late for her 0900hr class.

Did I mention that she tried to book a doctor’s appointment last Monday and could only see him today? Yah, one week. She could have died from itchiness. So anyway, Doc (the same one) listened to her rant about the itch and prescribed her two tubes of cream (100g) this time and said she could use it for next winter too. She told him that his previous prescription (one tube of 15g) worked wonders but she ran out of it after 1-2 weeks.

And he assured her that her itchiness was very unlikely to be due to food allergies.

The different creams that my female owner had been using. The green one (a prescription) was highly effective but she ran out of it. The pink cream + tablets were OTC medications she got from the chemist. Not effective + rude service. The twins are newly prescribed.

nostalgic

My female owner says that she has been skiving for a good part of this year. After pia-ing for the whole of last year, she is taking things easier this time round. And for her, she finds it difficult (or unnecessary?) to work as hard as she did previously.

So as I was saying, my female owner has been skiving. She spent a good part of Sunday night (recall that she was supposed to be doing research) looking at photos on Facebook. Thanks to Facebook, she found out that her previous church held a fundraising funfair on Saturday. Photos, heaps of them, taken by different individuals, flooded her FB.

She saw many of her “old friends”. People whom she grew up with, people whom she knew since she was in Sunday School, or in her teenage years. Couples who started out as friends but are now married to each other. Her ex-girls to whom she committed her time and energy, when once upon a time, she was not commitment-phobic. My female owner also saw new faces of the next few generations after her ex-girls. Though many were unknown faces, she saw in them, the same zest and passion she had when she was their age.

Nostalgic.

She also saw how her peers have aged. Many have ballooned, and some have auntified. Those images hit her hard as she wondered if people also had the same reaction when they see her photos “oh my god! She was once so skinny. Now she is so fat and auntie!”

Well, time to do something about it then!

emotional

My female owner escaped home almost immediately after church because church ended early and she didn’t want to end up waiting over an hour to get moving for dinner. From experience, it didn’t matter what time church ends, people will end up milling around until about 7pm.

In addition, she also had plans to start on her RA work. Alas, she was detracted from her plans by a videocam jio from Second Onli Fren (the friend who bought Dodo and Dona for my female owner. Without her, there won’t be Nanook and me too). Yes, as always, missing for months on end and finally making her grand appearance.

Needless to say, missing dinner for that hour of chat was worth it.

Anyway, the conversation drew to a close because Second Onli Fren had to go out. The last topic was about a video clip that my female owner saw on youtube which made her cry. Second Onli Fren then said “you cry at everything, emo xxxx (her name)”. My female owner disagreed at that comment (she don't remember crying so easily) but Second Onli Fren replied with something she never realised “think about it, ‘emotional’ is made up of letters of your name”.

Ah, so true. Another reason to blame it on her name.

Tasmania

My female owner made it back from Tasmania! Her friends and her started off on a rough note, coz they missed the check-in time by 10mins and the counter lady flatly refused to process their flight. She curtly told them to wait for the next flight which would be on Friday (?!) and to pay a processing fee of $100+ each. The trio ended up going from airline to airline (Amazing Race style) trying to find the next available flight. They soon found out that the price of 10mins was $350 each.

They reached Launceston at about 1630hr. Picked up their rented car, only to realise that for some reason, the company did not supply a street directory! The company simply gave them a flimsy map of different parts of Tasmania. Directionless, with an inexperienced driver at the wheel (i.e. my female owner) and nightfall approaching, the trio used various ways and means to get to their accommodation for the night (their original plan was to arrive in Launceston in the morning and spend the day exploring the region). Four hours later, they were rewarded for their persistence when they finally reached their destination.

My female owner says that the whole trip was a “hit-and-run” road-trip. They spent a large part of their day driving from region to region, taking in the sights and culture of each unique area.

Launceston to Strahan to Queenstown to Hobart. 800km within 4 days (one driver, accident free, hopefully not caught for speeding). From cities to countryside to self-contained villages to rural areas to World Heritage Areas, Tasmania offers such varied experiences that would cater to any individual. Weather was surprisingly good and un-cold. People were friendly, extremely courteous and hey, pumped petrol for you.

They went with a list of things to do, but couldn’t do some because of time constraints (e.g. missing out on Port Arthur and Cadbury Factory visit). Nonetheless, they created memories together through doing what was possible and spontaneous planning – trekking and scaling a mountain (Marion Lookout at Cradle Mountain), driving up Mount Wellington (Hobart) at night to see the city lights but ending up being spooked (seriously eerie), endless fresh and yummy seafood at Strahan and Hobart, visiting ancient structures at Richmond (Hobart) such as the 1823 Richmond Bridge, St John’s Catholic Church (oldest in Australia, built in the 1800s) and Richmond Gaol (such a sobering tour that they had to cheer themselves up with ice-creams after that), fresh oysters at Barilla Bay (Hobart), quick visit to Coal Valley Vineyard for wine-tasting, Salamanca Market (Hobart – seems like a replica of weekend markets in Brisbane but was still worth the trip), Lake St Claire (enroute from Queenstown to Hobart), landscape wowing (vast, fertile and filled with animals!), random WW2 memorial in the countryside towards Hobart etc. They captured these moments through 1000 over photos (will try to wrestle some out of my female owner)

According to my female owner, Queenstown and Strahan (both on the west coast of Tasmania) were small towns which seemed to be a world of their own. Short and flat houses with vibrant colours and perfectly angled structures (think squares and rectangles) made it seem like Disneyland (are those houses for real?). There was no internet reception and only Telstra mobile coverage which none of them had. This rendered them contactless for a couple of days. Sunset photos at Strahan sweetened the quaint experience.

Another worthwhile experience, logged in my female owner’s book of life escapades. As desired, they went as friends and came back as greater friends. Glad she had fun!

Joe Hisaishi - Piano and Nine Cellos - Madness

How do you get nine cellists to play in synchrony with a pianist (who makes piano playing seem so easy)? Ah, if she can turn back time, my female owner would have paid more attention to her piano and worked harder to hone her skills. She still wanna go back to piano eventually.

By the way, look at his hands. Still so smooth and agile! And the passion he puts into his playing. Makes for easy listening ... and procrastination for my female owner.

paranoia

My female owner’s anxiety borders on paranoia. Each time, before she goes on an overseas trip, she is filled with impending doom of death. To the point that she would bid farewell to certain people.

Think Melbourne, 2005: The start of her free and easy travelling escapades. She wondered if she would die in a car accident, since her friends who were good drivers insisted that she had to drive (until now, she can’t figure out why they would entrust their lives into her hands… especially on a windy mountain top on a rainy day). Turned out that Melbourne was filled with so much laughter and classic moments, that her travelling companions and her still laugh about those moments.

Think Phuket, 2005: She wondered if her friends and her would “go as friends and come back as friends”. She was so pessimistic during the trip that Goat actually chided her for being so blue. Turned out that was the only trip that Goat, Onli Fren, Second Onli Fren and her managed to pull together. And yes, they returned as friends and remained as friends to this day.

Think Philippines, 2006: She wondered if her budget plane will crash and even if it doesn’t, was Philippines dangerous ground for three girls to wander about? Turned out that Philippines was the most memorable country she ever visited, with her travelling companions contributing a large portion of the positive experience.

Think Shanghai, 2007: Besides the possible plane crash scenario (this is on SQ, not budget, so I conclude that it’s just her paranoia acting up), she wondered if she would get the flu (coz she went there during winter). Turned out that her travelling companions and her did not get the flu. Instead, they had a truly R & R holiday, with a dodgy meet-up with someone unmentionable.

Think Tasmania, 2009: Being the only driver, she wonders if they will return safely. Already, she has bade farewell to her Onli Fren, instructing her to take care of her parents…and us turtles (!!) if anything happens to her. Even when she was talking to someone on the phone yesterday and when she ended the conversation with “see you on Sunday”, my female owner could not say it with great confidence.

That’s just her. My female owner always seems to think that she would perish during vacations…

licence

My female owner realised that she was issued her permanent driving licence 6 years ago on this day (She passed in 2001 though).

Now, driving tests in Singapore are notoriously difficult to pass on the first try. Most people pass on their second or third try. My female owner, the daughter of a driving instructor, passed on her fourth try, after more than two years of learning. Indeed, she brought down the good name of her father. Many of her friends learnt from her father and some actually passed on their first try (e.g. Second Onli Fren).

As you know, my female owner has anxiety issues. And if she has to perform anything, her anxiety is exacerbated. So during her driving tests, the first one in particular, her left leg started to shake uncontrollably, which of course made it virtually impossible for her to maintain clutch control. Among many things, she “strike kerb” twice, which meant an immediate failure.

Her subsequent attempts improved (it has to, given that she almost killed the examiner in her first try. She described it as him looking at her with “murderous eyes”, after she crashed into a safety cone.). Her leg shook less but nonetheless, she would still “strike kerb” at least once. She always accumulated enough points to fail in the circuit and thus, not make it out to the main road. She tried visual imaginary to habituate herself to the stressful situation but that didn’t work, coz she would be scared off by her own visual imagination!

Come her fourth try.

Early into the test, she “strike kerb” again. One more strike and she would be out. Her examiner looked at her with sympathetic eyes and told her to “drive slowly, don’t strike kerb and you will pass”. Her Achilles’ heels? The crank course where she has to make four perpendicular turns starting from turning into the course and ending by turning out of the course (imagine a right-angled “Z”). And for some reason, the examiner chose to test her on the particular orientation where she has to make four left turns. Now, that is extremely difficult for her coz firstly, she is on the right side of the car, secondly, she hardly practiced this certain orientation coz its location in the circuit makes it less accessible.

Well, she kinda scrapped through without striking anything… miraculously. And got her licence. She didn’t even need to drive out into the main road!

exciting

My female owner just announced that she is going for a short getaway to Tasmania! As usual, free and easy, 3 people, unorganised planning but wait, an updated travelling mantra: Go as friends, come back as greater friends! What’s more, she is the ONLY driver among her friends. This sounds extremely dodgy, given that my female owner’s driving competence remains largely untested. So she has told her church friends to “pray more”. Because she would be driving all the time, the other two friends have taken upon themselves to do all the last minute planning. Essentially, that means that she doesn’t need to make too many decisions or read maps. Potentially a good deal.

Anyway, we turtles will be praying for their safety in our own little nooks and corners.

Another potentially exciting thing: her Second Onli Fren’s partner has relocated to Brisbane on a long-term basis. This person knows Brisbane like the back of his hand, so more sight-seeing is on the cards. Whoa! Second Onli Fren said she might come over for a visit later this year. No confirmed plans yet. Whatever it is, my female owner has learnt (sadly, in a hard way) not to wait for her friends when they say that they have plans to visit her.

mercies

My female owner woke up on the dot at 0800hr. Ok, I’m not really being accurate here. She woke up earlier…about 0740hr… but snoozed till 0800hr, which was her targeted wake-up time anyway.

Despite the blues she had yesterday (she says it’s a combination of work stress, helplessness, restlessness, pre-holidays jitters – she’s going on holidays again?!, guilt, looming assignment deadline, hormones, personality, habit, self-sabotage tendencies, lingering smell of cigarette, etc etc), she got up with a sense of purpose, claiming the promise that God’s mercies are new every morning.

Not really looking forward to the day coz it’s just going to be work, work and work (err.. doesn’t help that I reminded her that it’s a public holiday in Singapore today!) but looking forward to going through it with God.

Everyone, have a good day! I'm going back to the sun. Trying to get tan before my female owner comes home. She's always harping about me being yellow. I mean, she doesn't like green and yellow (and purple and sometimes orange and strawberry pink.. gosh, the list goes on) but I guess I rather be "normal" and green (like the rest of my siblings) than to be a flashing yellow light in her line of vision.

internaliser

My female owner is having one of those days when she feels that she has no frens in Brisbane. She felt really stressed over her school work and almost didn’t want to go for dinner with her church friends. She only went (reluctantly) because someone was going. But grouch was written all over her face.

Dinner went ok and she cheered up somewhat.

Going home, she was taken aback to see that her housemates are having a house party with four guests (but that’s ok). What shocked her was that the male housemate and the other guys were smoking.

Does anyone realise how much she hates smoking? Esp in her house (mental note for female owner: another reason to move out). The lingering smell just sets her off.

And what made her night worse was that they persuaded her to hang around and socialise with their friends. My female owner hates being thrown into such social settings. In addition, she already had plans on how she wanted to conquer the night with her work. Being a good sport, she spent an hour with them, playing table games (and not drinking with them, I’m proud of her!), until the neighbour called out to them to get them to keep quiet coz of the late hour. Saved by the neighbour!

All this while, she really wanted to call someone or even leave the house to meet someone to talk. Alas, there was no one. No wonder my female owner is an internaliser, she doesn't open up to people when she is upset.

real

After getting used to struggling as a professional student, my female owner has somehow forgotten that the prospect of graduating is real. Put it another way, while she realises that her days as a student will come to an end one day… she didn’t connect that this end will be celebrated in the form of a convocation. She only realised that when she saw her friends graduating in the recent series of graduation ceremonies.

My female owner hopes that this will be a convocation that will make her parents proud. That they will be able to say, “all the sacrifices, tears and money were worth it”.

Collin Raye - Loving This Way (Duet with Bobbie Eakes)

My female owner would have "dedicated" this song to her previous bf... She's sure that he would have sung the same song to her too.

newbie

My female owner realised how serious her guitar teacher is holding regular guitar lessons when he called her up two days before he went off for an extended holiday, requesting that in his absence, she conducts a Saturday class for the other regular student and another person who has expressed interest in learning.

The extent he goes to make sure that people meet regularly to hone their guitar skills amazes my female owner (which inadvertently signals to her that she also better pull up her socks and be more serious about her guitar learning whim and fancies. In the first place, she didn’t even know there was going to be regular lessons).

So, under instructions from guitar 师父, my female owner dutifully met with the newbie (oldie had to attend a wedding) today and helped him make baby steps in guitar playing. Should have been a fruitful time for him coz at the end of class, he decided that he really wanted to get a guitar to practice the new stuff he had learnt (and even made a bid on ebay).

My female owner shares that same philosophy as her guitar 师父: as long as the person is willing to learn, she is willing to facilitate learning. And the lazy bones in her add, she derives the most satisfaction when the people she teaches supersede her in terms of skills and knowledge (that’s just an excuse for her not to improve!). She has seen it happen a few times already.

With regards to her own learning progress, she figures that she better practice more, so that she won't "let her teacher down". Such an Asian mentality!

disjointed

The week flew by for my female owner. She could hardly catch her breath at times and unexpectedly but rightfully, Friday night arrives.

It didn’t help that she woke up every single night (sometimes once, sometimes twice) because of her skin condition. She ended up feeling tired and spent the next day. In addition, it has been more than a week and even with medication, her skin is starting to feel bumpy. Certainly a cause for concern. Another person (a local) has speculated that it is the Aussie diet that is upsetting her system and challenged her to return to her Asian diet as an experiment.

My female owner envisages that this is how the next few months will be like. Busy, hectic, breathless but hopefully, fulfilling, enriching and satisfying when things are through.

For now, she feels disjointed. Body is itchy. Brain is numb. Conscience wants her to do work. Fats are crying out. Legs wanna run. Eyes are closing. Yes, I think eyes are the winners tonight. Without sight, she cant do much... so yah, gone to the moon…. and wondering if she would wake up again in the middle of the night…

her

In the midst of her hectic day, my female owner found an opportunity to quieten down and contemplate for a short while. The setting was perfect – dark, still, water feature in front and open sky above.

Sitting by herself, she allowed herself to regress to a child. No longer was she a doctorate student on the way to being a “Dr”. Neither was she a tutor who has to teach and mark assignments and presumably possess more knowledge and experience than her students. Nor a psychologist who is supposed to know all the answers to one’s problems.

In the silence of the night, she was just her. Her public persona peeled away. Her professional façade abandoned. She started talking to God…. And realised that no matter how old she is or how much knowledge she has enmassed, in His eyes, she is still His child. His protection, His love, His care. Never ceasing. Never wavering.

That moment of opening herself up to God was therapeutic. No show to put up, no right words required, no socially accepted emotions to display. Just her.

run

There was a season in her life when my female owner was into joining running events.

With her Badminton kakis, she signed up for the Standard Chartered Marathon (10km) twice. They also took part in the Sheares Bridge Run and Army Half Marathon a couple of times. The distance was about 12km or something. And finally, the New Balance Real Run, where they had to run over different terrains, like trail, road and sand. About 10km all up, with the sand being the hardest part of the run. My female owner also had good fun with her friends during such events.

And then, they stopped. Some things are just seasonal.

A couple of years later (might have been 2007?) she found some jogging kakis in her former workplace and they sometimes went to the reservoir to exercise. And four of them, two guys and two gals, decided to sign up for another Sheares Bridge Run. My female owner had all good intentions to turn up for the run despite not training for it. Alas the night before, she stayed out till about 0200hr. Her other female friend was also gallivanting somewhere. Their pride prevented them from pulling out of the event (they were discussing whether they should, at 2am in the morning.. "but cannot lah, if we don't turn up, they will suan us for sure"), so they said that they would give each other a morning call to help wake the other.

My female owner ended up waking up when the other gal called her at 0700hr. She made it in time to meet them for breakfast AFTER the run. Whilst the other gal made it to the event site (she lived nearer to the event) she was too late to run. The guys, haha, took it in their stride and simply got a kick out of teasing them…. For a long time.

Going to Brisbane, my female owner never expected to participate in any more running events, simply because she was out of form and out of sync with Brisbane affairs. However, things have evolved in such a manner that she might be (see her commitment issues creeping in, she hesitates to confirm) participating in a 10km jogging event in a few weeks’ time. Let's see what happens.

tripped

My female owner had one of the most hectic day of her life today, which left her feeling exhausted, mentally, muscularly (coz she spent the whole day talking) and spiritually (just flat-out).

It started at 0900hr, where she had a tutor meeting with the lecturer, sorting out administrative matters. Then a RA meeting with her thesis supervisor at 1030hr. He spent 40mins telling her what he wants her to do… a long laundry list that left her wondering if she is competent enough to meet his demands (you know how some people are just not cut out to do dirty research). And he spent the next 40mins talking to her in a fatherly, mentorly manner about her career and Singapore. The switch from boss to mentor was so abrupt, my female owner had problems adjusting.

He ended at 1150hr, which gave her just 10mins to get to her 2-hr long tutorial class. And in her usual scatter-brained manner, she lost her way and ended up being late. And then, the next tutorial class at 1400hr. Barely enough time for her to go to the toilet. She was honestly so exhausted by her second tutorial class that she tripped over her words and had to will herself to look energetic.

Work finally ended and she went looking for Therapist Fren for lunch/ afternoon tea. With their arsenal of cookies and more cookies, they fed each other’s need for procrastination. Afternoon tea was hilarious, coz my female owner was absolutely tired from talking the whole day that she just couldn’t formulate her words and her thoughts. Therapist Fren was so entertained that she said that she would seek her out every Wed afternoon just to laugh at her.

And when you are mentally exhausted, the best way to end the day is probably to go for a jog… do something physical. Based on prior agreement, my female owner pulled herself out of her house soon after reaching home to jog with her friends. For an hour, she jogged largely by herself, thus allowing her time to rest her mouth muscles. Somehow, the jog was so liberating that she went longer than she normally would (but less than what her friends would like her to). After an uncertain day at work, it seemed as if it was the only thing she could control right now in her life.

pills

My female owner has told a couple of friends “just let me die”. It’s definitely figurative and an acute response to her present state of being. So I won’t worry too much about it.

Anyway, one of her friends is Therapist Fren, who is also undergoing some schoolwork struggles of her own (think *doctoral thesis*). Therapist Fren is just about the closest mate my female owner has in Brisbane, simply because they are similar in personality (as verified by MBTI), similar therapeutic orientations and similar life experiences (as fellow struggling post-grad DCP students, who might become colleagues in future). Hence, they spend lotsa time just nua-ing together and talking about random things. It helps that both of them have a mutual liking for chocolates, coffee and grocery shopping!

Anyway, Therapist Fren went to Bryon Bay over the weekend and bought the infamous Bryon Bay big cookies and some other yummy Macadamia n Chocolate bite-sized cookies for my female owner. And she made sure she passed it to my female owner early today, to kick-start (or offset) her otherwise miserable day (of itching, work and stress). And that’s how my female owner got her dose of happy pills – from the bite-sized cookies – for the day. Alas, she purposely left her pills in school (wisely I think, to prevent an overdose at home) and would be able to get them only tomorrow.

An incentive to go to school isn't it? With yummy cookies lurking in the drawers.

Kenny G - Endless Love

Inspite of her fears.. my female owner loves animals. She feels for them to the point she humanifies them, with individual personalities and feelings. Even the strays in Singapore.

She also likes the saxophone and hopes to have the opportunity to learn it one day (NO!!! Somebody stop her!). One of her fantasies is to enjoy hours of playing duets with her (future?) partner, say him on the piano and her on the flute.

allergy

My female owner says “just let me die”.

Once again, she had woken up in the middle of her sleep due to the itch and battled for about half an hour before she managed to fall asleep again.

Waking up, she started to feel frustrated with God coz she hasn’t had an “unsick” day for weeks. Something was always physically wrong with her. Gently, through reading the Bible, she was reminded of God’s faithfulness and sovereignty, even when the chips are down. She repented and spent some time praying… which calmed her down considerably.

By now, her chest is an angry red, with some streaks creeping up her neck. She is in an uncomfortable sort of situation. Too hot, and the itch returns. Too cold, and she shivers and risk catching a cold. The thought of having to put up with another night of unpredictable and uncontrollable itch sent her popping over to the chemist to get (more) medication for the itch (3rd cream of the week plus tablets). This set her back by $24. How expensive can medication get in Australia?!

Her friend started to speculate that she might have developed a sudden food allergy (like how some people suddenly become lactose-intolerant or gluten-intolerant). My female owner’s first guess was that she must have developed an allergy to carbohydrates, since she had so much carbs over the last few days. Based on her food intake history, the culprit(s) could be any random thing like potatoes, chicken wings, biscuits, chocolate, pasta, eggs, noodles, beef, bananas, tomatoes, coffee, milk, bread, flour… She hasn’t even started listing out condiments like sugar, oil, soya sauce..Except for beef, being allergic to any other food mentioned would be devastating for her. Yes, even milk. Coz that rules out all things pastry and muffins.

angst

My female owner has been feeling oozy the whole day. Not sure what it means to be oozy but just not her usual self. I think she is torn between two worlds, and under the backdrop of her weakened physical well-being, she just finds it so much harder to maintain equilibrium.

My female owner just realised that ever since she started working at the school three weeks ago, she had been plagued with a new health issue each week. At present, the itch is really getting to her. Tolerating it takes so much mental energy that it exhausts her from doing much more. She says that it is not even like being sick, where you can pop a pill and go to bed. To add fuel to her newfound hypochondriac tendencies, my female owner felt a little bump at the side of her neck. A bump which is not supposed to be there. Unable to put a name to that, she can’t even look up the internet for help.

Making contact with her friends from Singapore just makes her wanna come back so that she can catch up with them again. She knows that some things have changed but she wants to reclaim as much as possible.

Not a day goes by where she doesn’t think about “how long more to go before going home”. Yet, she knows that when it is time to go home, it means that the year is almost up (again) and hence, she is closer to the end of this season of her life (not to mention that she is older etc). Again, she needs to remind herself to live in the present, and not to chase the past or predict the future.

For now, she wishes she can sleep in a bathtub of calamine lotion… pure bliss… for an itchy body.

lunch

My female owner gave church a miss today coz there was some special event which was happening, which meant that there would be heaps of people congregating at a specified place. Her social phobic genes were activated, causing her to stay home to avoid the crowd.

In doing so, she managed to catch a friend who was still working at her former organisation on MSN. Through the yummy updates (which can be summarised in one line: things have turned for the worse), my female owner started to reconnect with her former life.

She also learnt the different diplomatic ways that the people in the office had been using to avoid social contact:

• Say you want to eat in (your office)
• Say you need to run errands
• Say you are on a diet, so you are not eating
• Go to the gym
• Lunch with a clique
• Be on medical leave

Other tricks she tried in the past (some require prior planning with other like-minded people, usually through email):

• Make external lunch appointments
• Run off just before lunch-time before the person approaches you (make sure you don’t walk past the person’s office)
• Say there is no more space in the car (if you can, look apologetic)
• Close your office door before lunch-time (and keep quiet!)
• Arrange your schedule so that you will be at external sites before or after lunch
• Say you haven’t decided whether you will be eating (if you are caught unaware)

After a while, the person will get the idea and stop eyeing you as a potential lunch partner.

incidentally

After a long time of not hearing from him, my female owner received a long distance call from Functional Fren. Such a warm feeling to hear his voice again. It is so different from using MSN. No matter what season they are going through (good or bad), he never fails to make my female owner laugh. Even the way he grumbles brings tears to her eyes.

Their friendship started incidentally. My female owner was tasked to head a research project on youths at his workplace. Youth was also his area of passion. He knew about it and on his own accord, drew out a concept map in different colours for her to help guide her research. My female owner later playfully referred to it as his “love letter”. Over the next couple of years working in cousin organisations, he had been a great source of support for her, in an insane environment. With similar values, mindsets and crankiness, no wonder their friendship grew... functionally.

Functional Fren is also one of the few people who have gained access into my female owner’s vulnerable inner world. Perceptive and observant, he is able to pick out her anxieties and fears without her saying too much. He also has no qualms about confronting her when he sees her drowning herself in self-pity. That’s the way he is to many people around him and my female owner supposes that must have been tiring for him, which explains his aloofness at times.

Ah, she can’t wait to go back to Singapore to meet up with him and the rest of her Impromptu Frens. Sounds as if they had been having tonnes of fun recently.

Colin Raye - Love Me

another one of my female owner's fave songs... she's a closet romantic but outward cold fish.

itch

My female owner has been feeling edgy. I mentioned before that she has a skin infection recently and she went to see a doctor about it. While her skin infection is healing properly, she developed skin itchiness! Which started on a localised area on her thighs and then spread all over her thighs and her tummy and her arms and her neck and the back of her shoulders.

Scratching like a monkey, her skin started to puff up and become painful. She also couldn’t really concentrate on her work and has been largely unproductive. The doctor had already told her not to take too many baths a day (he actually said it is ok not to bathe daily!), and if bathing, not to bathe too long or use too hot water (that’s her) and moisturise coz of the dry weather (again, guilty as charged). My female owner also reckons that she needs to drink more water to stay hydrated. Again, it is an effort on her part. She tends to forget to drink water, even after exercising. I think she must have been a camel in her previous life. Or maybe one of us, coz we can go without water (and food, but that is not her) for a few days.