listener

My female owner had a mini struggle last night. Her bible study group was going for bowling and she had no intentions of going because she absolutely hates bowling and didn’t want them to persuade her to bowl. But, it was Friday night and she didn’t want to be at home doing work (this was the struggle… to go or not to go). Anyway, someone called her at 6plus and persuaded her to “just come” and promised to protect her if anyone pressured her into bowling.

So she went, first for dinner and then bowling (and board games). One of her friends (not close) appeared agitated during dinner and hinted that he would like to talk to her later since he was not bowling as well.

My female owner has a very soft heart and she gets affected easily when her friends are upset. However, she didn’t know how to create the setting where he might feel comfortable sharing his issue. Finally, they had time to sit down next to each other while the rest bowled. He didn’t say anything. She didn’t too.

Gingerly, she asked… “are you ok?”

Well, that was the opening and he started sharing. But then again, it was an odd situation for my female owner. Very different from the formal therapeutic setting she works in and from the informal counselling she does with her distressed friends.

Definitely, this was not formal. Yet, it was not the same context as her informal counselling. Firstly, the guy did not tell her what the real issue was (although she could guess) and she didn't want to ask because of the second reason: he is not a close friend, so she had no “homeground advantage” and wasn’t sure how far she could go in fishing out information. Thirdly, she didn’t know whether to use a secular approach or a Christian approach (this is by far, the most “Christian” person who has approached her for counselling). The place was noisy, with many distractions etc, so it was hard too. So anyway, my female owner took the safest route which was active listening.

Her friend later turned the focus on my female owner and asked if there was anyone in the bible study group whom she would share her intimate issues with. My female owner looked around in front of her where the group was and shook her head. He then said the same thing as what many have said, that it would be good for her if she has one.

Upon reflection, my female owner realised that all the people who spoke to her about this had been guys. The most proactive one actually went through every single girl in the group with her (but my female owner had a reason against everyone of them). The less relational of the sexes, they are surprisingly, the ones who recognise the value of confiding in people. No girl has ever approached her to say that maybe it’s time that she starts to open up to others. Is everyone in denial?

Hmm… my female owner’s reply to him was to reflect what he had told her earlier, that it is not easy to find a good listener (what more a trained psychologist who would be more critical) in the group.. some too young, some cannot handle harsh emotions, some say the wrong thing, some are just not close enough.