Therapist Fren

My female owner reckons that Therapist Fren had the greatest shocks of her life this week, in the whole history of their friendship.

Firstly, she introduced Therapist Fren to her Jogging Kakis, opening up to her, a new world of communication style. As Therapist Fren puts it, she never had that kind of interaction with guys, the way my female owner had with her Jogging Kakis. In addition, through the protracted (impromptu) dinner appointment, Therapist Fren noticed a different side of my female owner. Where my female owner would usually be the one to come up with random comments and jokes in their gatherings, in the presence of her Jogging Kakis (both of whom have a better command of English than her + being “two sides of the same coin” meant that she was automatically outnumbered), my female owner was at the receiving end of their endless banter and scrutiny. Docile in comparison.

Secondly, Therapist Fren discovered (whether she liked it or not), that my female owner had always put her as the contact person in times of emergency, i.e. her next-of-kin. I think she was reasonably shocked by this. My female owner framed it as Therapist Fren being her Onli Fren in Brisbane.

Thirdly, probably the biggest revelation in recent times, the existence of my blog. My female owner hardly tells people about my writings as she feels that most people won’t be interested in reading it anyway, so why open up herself to others? In Brisbane, my female owner has personally told only two individuals about me. Might be about 10 people in Singapore. Given that many of my female owner’s weird antics and idiosyncrasies had been shamelessly exposed and exaggerated by her Kakis, my female owner decided that it was time to let Therapist Fren into more of herself.

Really, how much can you really claim to know someone?

clocked

My female owner reached a milestone today. She finally clocked the required 100 direct client hours for her school placement. Ah, another arduous journey almost completed. That means that she can compile her placement folio and do the necessary paperwork to close this placement.

Three more workdays she says (she’s doing more than necessary because she wanna help the students as much as possible). This placement has been memorable in many ways and maybe, after she writes up her reflective statement, I will post it up for you to read (this is called working smart!).

watermelon

My female owner's Housemate tried to cheer her up today and sent her a "2 sec happiness" photo. Predictably, it brought a smile to her face.


My female owner says that she would be very touched if a guy craves out a turtle water-melon for her. She might even consider the guy. But alas, the guy is non-existent.

list

I guess it is only natural (or expected) that people around my female owner are asking her whether she has “found anyone” or “attracted to anyone”.

Curiosity was building up. Second Onli Fren came over recently and asked her. She concluded that “it was too late for my female owner” (?!). A fishing friend asked her if there was anyone in church who caught her fancy. When she said no, he told her to change church.

Influenced by some people in her church, my female owner came up with her criteria list which is almost impossible to meet, based on the available guys in the church. She shared this with a few people, including Onli Fren, who probably reached the same conclusion but was less direct than Second Onli Fren to say it out.

Things heated up during her recent camping trip when her jogging buddies joined forces to bombard her with questions regarding her ideal partner and whether there was any guys in her bible study group (which has a larger than normal ratio of guys: gals) who attracted her. Her jogging buddies then started an unsubstantiated obsession with two guys they had narrowed down for her (with zero inputs from her apparently) which is still on-going.

Actually, my female owner realised recently (like a few days ago) that one of the “short-listed” guys sort-of meet her criteria (she wasn’t sure if he would be intellectually stimulating enough for her coz she hardly engages in conversations with him). In fact, he is probably the one who comes the closest to meeting it. But alas, she doesn’t like him in that way. Only then, my female owner realised the fallacy of a criteria. It can be so sterile, like a shopping list,.. in the absence of chemistry and attraction.

Things continued to simmer with some of her church friends when they came together to dine and talk. Despite not really knowing everyone that deeply, they shared their romantic ideals and failures.

Her mother! Got involved today, when she asked my female owner to sign up for some government match-making network. Gosh. Did she really think that this social network thing would work? When told, Potahto wondered aloud why the government had not given up on my female owner, given her advance age. Her rong-ge, came out of nowhere, and asked her the same question too. And there are countless others who had been expressing interest in her (lack of) love life. Too many to list.

verified

My female owner had an interesting MSN conversation with her 荣哥 today. 荣哥 is a friend from junior college whom she acknowledged as her “brother” (hence, rong-ge) and he called her “neh mei” (referring to her as a younger sister). Over the years, they grew apart but still managed to maintain contact… and the namesakes.

He finally initiated contact with her via MSN (see how passive my female owner is?!) in response to her misleading MSN tagline which suggests that she would be back from Brisbane for good shortly. He was somewhat disappointed when he found out that she was still returning to Brisbane.

The beauty of old friends is that you connect with each other easily and gosh, they realised that they had not seen each other for close to two years. In fact, they couldn’t trace back their last meet.

Anyway, the reason why I bring him up is because 荣哥 lives very near her ex-boyfriend (aka my previous owner) and had seen him around a few times. 荣哥 made mention of him. Without intending to sound cynical, my female owner’s first thought was finally, someone has verified that her ex is still alive. She also learnt that he seems to have degenerated. She felt a tinge of sadness for him but well…

unplanned

Even after my female owner finished hosting her Singaporean friends, she remained occupied with other random highly impromptu social events.

It started with a planned lunch date with Therapist Fren on Wednesday. They hadn’t been meeting due to their busy schedules and my female owner’s move to the south. Before the lunch date even started, my female owner saw I-Fren at the cafeteria and he joined them impromptuly. Finally, the two of them (Therapist and I-Fren) meet each other, after hearing about each other for so long. The lunch date extended for 3.5hrs (it merged into afternoon coffee), no thanks to him taking the liberty to expose many of her dark secrets to Therapist Fren. Overall, it was a highly hilarious and cheek-aching session, a much needed break for her greatly stressed friend.

Thursday. A jio to go to Mr Nice Guy's house to help craft a watermelon fruit salad for a birthday celebration… which morphed into a home-cooked dinner by him (the icing on the cake was that he came to pick her up from her workplace). It ended up with the foursome (female owner's new housemate and her guitar teacher were also there) playing Truth or Dare. Unfortunately for my female owner, she was forced to reveal her age! Must have been a moral victory for her friends who had been trying all ways and means to find out her real age.

Friday was equally impromptu, with a jio from her jogging buddies, just after her work ends (perfect timing) to have ice-cream together. Happily, this was also an answer to her lazy prayer of “God, I pray that someone will pick me up from work so that I don’t have to walk so far (30mins at least) to bible study”. From jogging next to the river to gorging on ice-cream (think: two big tubs between three people) next to the river. How exciting.

Friday night, there was an impromptu decision to play guitar together with a few others after bible study. Alas, my female owner was no longer staying a stone’s throw away from the house. Although Mr Nice Guy offered to send her home afterwards, she decided to go home with others so that he didn’t have to make a special trip just for her. The downside of moving to the south: less mobility.

A very last minute confirmation made in the early hours of Saturday to go hiking follows. Once again, my female owner enjoyed herself tremendously. They hiked through a valley and through two waterfalls. Took nice photos (but not with her camera, so I can’t show you anything yet).

And an impromptu invitation by I-Fren to a Tom Yum cum Wii dinner party at his house completed her Saturday. Again, his culinary skills were impressive, with him doing a Tom Yum Goong from scratch (note: no paste involved), a ginger chicken dish (yummy!) and an eggplant dish. He never fails to make cooking look easy. Because of transportation limitations, she did a stayover at his house. She was joined by two mutual friends who decided at the end of the party that they were not ready to go home. Ah, whims and fancies. They ended up playing more Wii.

Sunday started off lazy. My female owner and her friends (including one of her jogging buddies who is staying temporarily at I-Fren’s house) took a (long) stroll to the nearby park. My female owner, who earlier had issues with the house dog but are now on cordial terms with her, requested to walk the dog (she never walked a dog before. Wait, I think she did. Second Onli Fren’s dog? Oh, but that was just because SOF happened to bring her dog to the dog run). Such a random experience. At certain points, she felt that she was being trained to walk a dog. Oh, she had to clean up the dog’s poo too. Even though my female owner is used to cleaning up after us, this must have been a humongous (literally) in comparison. *grinz*

Although my female owner decided not to join her church friends’ for dinner (coz she wanted time-out from the week’s activities), she was swayed by the pleading eyes of Mr Nice Guy who said “go for dinner lah… or else no one going…” Oh well.. she is notoriously soft-hearted. She went, thinking that there would be only 6 people going. Ended up there were 11 people split over 2 tables (other people just randomly appeared). She ended up (reluctantly) at the table with two strangers (Korean guys who were visiting), in addition to Mr Nice Guy and her Housemate. You would know by now that my female owner hates socialising with new people. However, she is aware that this is not the way to go, especially if she wants to be an ambassador of God’s love. Hence, she decided to make the effort to talk to the guys (she really don’t have much choice actually, but credit to her, she put in much more effort than before).

She didn’t regret it. Despite the bad English and arduous efforts needed to ensure that there was no breakdown in communication and understanding, she could tell that the guys connected with her. Their Korean antics were consistent to Korean movies, naturally funny facial expressions and oh… the language. Like a nightingale’s song to her ears. Okay, I’m exaggerating! There were a few clincher moments in their conversation which tickled everyone. Like how they discussed the answer (in Korean) to 2009-23years old (to get the year of birth of her Housemate) and still came up with the wrong answer three times (err… 1988? Accompanied with a greatly confused and distressed look). And when, one of them treaded dangerous waters to ask for my female owner’s age. Bad English and limited social understanding resulted in him thinking that she was really 20 years old (18++). Fortunately, the other guy got the joke and no one suffered a needless heart attack.

Ah, after such an unplanned week (as Potahto says, impromptu is the best schedule), my female owner crashed out on Sunday night… with the intentions of having some Metime.

slow

This must be the longest break I ever took, in updating my turtle pad. My female owner had been getting harder to nail down and getting updates from her is sheer hard work (remember how much slower we turtles are, compared to you humans).

Anyway, a look at her organiser for the past week showed that she had been occupied with a few major events. They are namely, moving house (again!) and entertaining her friends from Singapore (more on that next time), while still fulfilling her weekly obligations of research work, placement and church activities.

My female owner is in the midst of transitions (will talk more about this in future) and suffered a mini anxiety bout just now, as she realised how far behind she is in her work. But then again, just 2 days of intense work is likely to fix her up. It’s now a matter of sitting down to complete those work obligations.

treasure

What if God shows you His plan for you and that means you have to give up something you treasure?

Now that things are less hectic, my female owner has rekindled her seeking God for directions post-DCP. She’s still in the midst of working things through. Anyway, she entertained the possibility of having to go back to Singapore after graduation… and that filled her with reluctance, sadness and apprehension! You know, the heaviness of the heart kind of feeling.

She knows that if God calls, she will go, no matter how hard it is for her to give up her treasured possessions. She just wants to be sure that she has heard correctly and is going the right way.

Someone just asked her today if she has any plans for her life. My female owner once did (and I think I wrote about it before). Something along the typical Singaporean graduate lifeplan: go to uni, find a partner, graduate, work a few years, get married, have children, raise them on dual-income, grow old, have grand-children, retire, die happy.

Specifically, she wanted to get married by 25 (some of her friends would remember this), have 1-2 kids by 30 years old and get post-graduate qualifications. She also saw herself as working part-time while raising her kids. Well, her lifeplan took a drastic turn when firstly, she broke up with her partner of 6.5 years AFTER she was 25 and secondly, she got accepted into post-graduate training (by God’s divine intervention. It was such a convoluted process, that really, only God could have straightened out the obstacles).

Now, 2 years later, she is living a dream she has harboured since she started working. What’s beyond this dream? She has no inkling, no plans, and that is scary, for someone who’s old enough to be a mum.

JS - Unashamed - Starfield (cover)

I have not much
To offer You
Not near what You deserve
But still I come
Because Your cross
Has placed in me my worth

Oh, Christ my King
Of sympathy
Whose wounds secure my peace
Your grace extends
To call me friend
Your mercy sets me free

And I know I'm weak
I know I'm unworthy
To call upon Your name
But because of grace
Because of Your mercy
I stand here unashamed

I can't explain
This kind of love
I'm humbled and amazed
That You'd come down
From heavens heights
And greet me face to face

relearn

“why make a promise you can’t keep?”

That was Intuitive Fren’s response when she commented that he keeps all his promises (my female owner was referring to “concrete” promises such as doing something together and not those vague ones like “you can always come to me if you need help” type). Well, it makes sense doesn't it?

For a good part of her life, my female owner had come across men who broke her trust, didn’t keep their promises or left her feeling insecure because of their flippant words. I must first say that I am not writing this to attack males or to insinuate that females are holier than thou. I’m just writing about my female owner’s experience.

A big chunk of her negative experiences came from her previous relationship. One thing that always stuck in her mind was how he claimed that he had quit smoking but time and time again, he would be caught red-handed. Other times would be when he promised to do things for her or with her but did not. My female owner had forgotten the details of most of these incidents, but they were enough to cause her to decide that she could depend on no one, but herself. That independent streak is still evident in some of her actions and decisions now.

A less hurtful but long-lasting impact would come from some of her male friends in Singapore. They would make plans to do things together but the guy would pull out last minute. It came to a point when my female owner didn’t know if something was really going to take place until the set time itself. It was difficult to make plans and certainly safer to make plans involving more than just two people. Of course this did not happen all the time and there were many memorable experiences my female owner had with her male friends when they did keep their promises (think Turtle Museum!).

But you know, the overall experience would go something along the lines of… “I couldn’t trust my partner for big things…. And even in smaller things, the actions of my male friends made me feel insecure”

So going over to Brisbane, my female owner found herself having to relearn her flawed concepts of men (when she was a teenager, her piano teacher actually told her that she did not want to get married because husbands take up place at home!). There are indeed guys who do what they say they would do. There are those who gave her a sense of security because of their dependability, patience and wisdom. There are others who anticipated her needs and offered help even before she asked or realised that she needed it. Others yet, impressed her with their attention to details, sensitivity to others’ feelings and erm, culinary skills (hey, this is not surprising given that not many of her Singaporean male friends can cook). Gee… she must have had really bad experiences in the past to have to relearn so much.

No guy (or gal) is perfect and once in a while, people will disappoint (including her). But I guess the important thing for my female owner is that she has developed a more balanced view of men, after being disillusioned for so many years.

art

My female owner finally got down to planning for her Couple Frens’ impending trip to Australia. She says that this is most detailed planning she ever did for anyone, including herself. Her travel itineraries have traditionally been scanty and vague. But this time, she put in much more effort because Couple Fren is making a special trip to visit her, thus fulfilling a promise they made to her a long time ago.

*touched*

This is also the first time my female owner is playing solo host. Previously, she always had a “co-host” in the form of other friends sharing the responsibility of showing visitors around. She hopes that things will turn out alright. Already, she had succeeded in frustrating Male Couple Fren who remarked (after endless rounds of bouncing emails) that she has managed to throw up more questions than answers. But that is the way my female owner is. She presents the facts to you, and you make the decision. Her winning line: “this is your holiday, so you need to decide what you want to experience and do”.

Like that how to fight? Holiday-planning, she says, is an art.

pondering

Recently, my female owner has been pondering about her concept of friendship.

What does it mean to be a best friend? Can you only have one best friend, or is it possible to have a few best friends? But doesn’t “best” mean only one? What does it mean to be friends? How do you distinguish between “friends”, “acquaintances” and “people you know”?

This year, my female owner realised that her concept of friends is highly selective and restrictive. She found that she made the mistake of lumping “close friends” and “friends” into one category. All along, in her mind, the hallmark of a true friendship is when she can have a reciprocal emotional and intimate relationship with the person. Finally, she realises that this is better termed as “close friends”. Obviously, my female owner has a small group of “close friends” whom she values greatly. Their interactions can swing from frivolous topics to intense sharing.

Friends are people whom she spends time with perhaps because of similar life circumstances or common interests. Interactions are mostly on a social basis. Nothing too intense or private. For some reason, my female exudes a friendly aura even though she really isn’t sociable, proactive or forthcoming. Again and again, she discovered that many friends regarded her as closer than she regarded them and worse still, she probably upset a number of people along the way because of this.

Perhaps it is possible to insert another category of friends – good friends – for people whom she is closer to… but don’t share too much emotional things with. After all, not many people are comfortable with such touchy-feely stuff.

day

My female owner made plans to celebrate her first Saturday of post coursework completion, without any specific idea, except that she would celebrate it with another student church friend and start the day with jogging. She ended up having the most relaxing and soothing Saturday in Brisbane in ages. In fact, the day felt (for the first time in a long time) like a typical Saturday in Singapore.

The day started early at 0830 – jogging with a new group of kakis. Two guys and two gals. This was much easier than her usual jogging routine because the other gal was the weakest link, so the rest paced her.

Plans to visit Rocklea Market (to get cheap and good mangoes, e.g. 12 for $10) were substituted with yum cha brunch. The foursome indulged in a leisurely meal, talking about random topics and people-watching. Laughing and sharing. My female owner's cup of tea.

Aimless, they decided to spin down to Brisbane City for bubble tea. Little things along the way set them into pits of laughter. They unanimously agreed that they had never laughed this way in their previous bible study group. Bubble tea was a sit down affair and they browsed through a heap of magazines. So Singapore!

A short exploration of the City and window shopping followed. An activity that my female owner seldom had the luxury of time to indulge in.

By then, it was time for them to go home to prepare for their individual evening appointments. My female owner had a Halloween Party to attend. She wasn’t too keen to go because she didn’t like the thought of having to dress up in costumes. However, the draw of her friends made it impossible to say no.

And yes, she had heaps of fun. The hosts put in great effort to spice up their house with spooky décor and gore-themed food (she says to look at her facebook for photos). Once again, her male friends put her to shame, with their attention to details, creativity, wide-ranging culinary skills and warm hospitality. Unexpectedly, she realised that it was fun dressing up too. Simply a new experience for my female owner.

My female owner would have like to make it for another house gathering but her Halloween party ended too late. Nonetheless, she felt so blessed by the entire day’s events. A day well-spent she says.

questioning

My female owner is having mixed feelings about moving now. In fact, she is feeling sorry about having made the decision to move. St Lucia, pretty much, has been her home since she went to Brisbane. St Lucia saw her come as a perfect stranger, trying to adjust to Brisbane’s way of life. Awkward and raw, my female owner took a long time to warm up to its charms. Now that she has nicely settled into Brisbane, my female owner is moving yet again. Another transition. Apprehensive and ambivalence, she is questioning the wisdom of her decision.

There are so many things she is going to miss.

Being able to walk to school, and not having to rely on buses.

Walking to and fro school with Therapist Fren who lives just up the street. Going for early morning brekkies with her. Having impromptu dinners at Nando’s with her.

Jogging around the school compound with her jogging kakis. A routine established early upon her arrival to Brisbane which maintained some form of sanity in the midst of chaos. Even the impromptu jios would be missed.

Impromptu dinner jios with Mr Nice Guy who lives nearby.

Walking over to Bryce Street for social events (dinners, movies, guitar lessons).

Car rides home with St Lucia dwellers. My female owner loves taking car rides with friends because of the opportunity to interact with them on a casual but more intimate manner.

Even walking to Chai’s, the neighbourhood Asian grocery store, and buying durian chips!

Accessibility to St Lucia and Toowong friends.

My female owner says that her days in St Lucia are numbered. Just one more week and she would be gone. If moving to a suburb 20mins away is so painful (even by choice), what would it be like for my female owner when/ if she leaves Brisbane for good??

line

An Onli Fren is someone who bothers to ask when you are returning from overseas, remembers the date, convinces her husband to drive to the airport to fetch you, more than a month before you are due to return.

An Onli Fren is also someone who asks about your availability, takes leave in accordance to what you say, more than a month before you are due to return.

An Onli Fren is also someone who tirelessly helps you to pay your credit card bill or call up the credit card company whenever you send out an SOS.

Well, my female owner got into a little tight spot recently with her Onli Fren terminology. One of her friends protested (unprovoked) that having such a name just devalues the significance of her other friends (which also includes him). In his words, “we are standing on a thin line now”. Without being defensive, my female owner then told him the story behind this title.

He responded empathetically and said “So sad. Okay, I will still be your friend… and I will get more wires so that I can strengthen this line. And I will get God to bring a bridge of love”.

Ah, so sweet. There you have it… another friendship established. Well sort-of. Not that my female owner would run to him if she has issues. So strange, she says. But it is good to know that she has such sweet friends around.

coursework

My female owner finally completed her couple therapy assignment. Two days ahead of schedule in fact, and with that, she completes the coursework component of her programme. Congratulations female owner! So proud of you.

It is only at milestones like this, that one takes a moment to ponder about the journey that transpired thus far. The ups and downs of the road less travelled, the different seasons weathered, sometimes unexpected lonely segments where no one knew the pain and agony that she was struggling through, at other times, tranquil stretches where she could reduce her pace of work and savour the beauty of the journey. The process, as my female owner always say, is as important as the outcome.

Suffice to say, my female owner came out of coursework stronger, more insightful, sensitive and knowledgeable. This journey is still not over yet. There are so many things awaiting her to explore, learn and develop. I’m sure she will make the best out of it.

Straddie

My female owner just returned from a camping trip at North Stradbroke Island. Her first real camping trip of her life! For those who don’t know where it is (well, neither do I actually), it is an island at the south east of Queensland, accessible by 45-min ferry ride.

If you think Gold Coast has nice beaches, my female owner says, you should just take a look at the beaches on Straddie. She was so awestruck by them. Crystal clear blue waters, with vibrant waves adding to the ocean roar, complete with soft white sand (it is so soft, it squeaks when you walk on it. My female owner actually laid on the sand directly...soothing, she describes it), a cooperative sun for sunbathing and wide space with few people. Just heavenly.

She spent the weekend just flowing with the surroundings. The environment became a natural playground for her friends and her, as they walked onto the jetty, waded into the water (spotted a turtle swimming by..), monkeyed around on a see-saw, flowed with the currents of the sea (turbulent to a certain extent for my female owner), sun-baked (and sun-baked and sun-baked), beach-combed for mysteries either washed up by the sea, or buried in the sand. Bounded by nothing, not time, not phonecalls, not emails or even MSN. She didn’t even care that she had to submit an assignment the day after she returns. It’s just them and nature interacting. Back to the basics. It was also like a time to reflect and be comfortable with yourself. Before she went camping, she asked God about something regarding her future. He showed her the stars. She thinks she got a clearer idea now.

Coming from a very underexposed background, my female owner also quickly picked up new skills and knowledge in terms of building a tent, using technical tools, marine life, even barbequing. (Thank God for patient friends, I must say. My female owner had her usual travelling mantra in full gear at the back of her mind, just that she didn’t mention it to them). My female owner took some photos but well… as usual… it would take a while to upload them.

My female owner is looking forward to more camping trips. Now is the time, she says!

moving

My female owner says that her housemate stuff has been more or less settled. Her housemates had advertised the vacancy on the accommodations website and people have started showing interest in the room. Yah, they finally spoke on Tuesday. It is amazing how many days can go by, without you seeing your housemates. My female owner has never realised it before.

Although she would have like to have talked to them face to face from the word go, my female owner was still glad that she acted on what she wanted. In the past, she would have just let it go… and suffered in silence.

Timing is everything, she reckons. In the past, she would have never considered living with a church friend, for the fear of losing the friendship by being in too close a proximity. As long ago as last year, when she first met this person she is going to stay with, she knew that this person had empty rooms to rent. When she arrived in Brisbane this year, this person still had empty rooms to let (she has three extra rooms, you see). My female owner did not consider the house at all. Now, she says the timing is right. She is ready to move in with her (sounds like marriage ah).

Anyway, you probably know that my female owner has ambivalence tendencies. She reckons that she analyses situations too superficially, too much. Hence, she can see the pros and cons of situations and end up being torn by alternatives. When reality hits home and she realises that she is indeed moving, my female owner was filled with ambivalence.

She really loves her current location. When she first moved in, she had no idea if she made a right choice in staying at St Lucia. In fact, she was reluctant to move in. She kept delaying, until the last possible day. The location has just been a great blessing to her in more ways than one.

Not surprisingly then, my female owner feels a tinge of reluctance and sadness in having to move out (note: this is in spite of the fact that she chose to move). Maybe she dramatised things too much. She felt as if once again, she was relocating from Singapore to Brisbane, and wished that she could bring all her St Lucia friends to Sunnybank, so that they could be within reach. In fact, she never considered Sunnybank as a possible place to live. However, rising costs in St Lucia made her swing her vote to Sunnybank. Ever bad at financial management (can you believe that my female owner once considered being an accountant?!?!), she roughly estimated that she would save about $200/ month (which she was also sure that she might spend that savings on other things). So, the argument is not about saving money, but getting value for money.

abundant

My female owner walks to her placement every Thurs and Fri. On good days (i.e. when she is calm and composed), she would pray along the way. As she started her leisurely walk today, the verse John 10:10 flashed across her mind: “I have come that they may have life and that they may have it more abundantly”

My female owner started to claim this promise of God. Although she had inklings of what this verse meant before, today, she suddenly experienced an epiphany, that it didn’t make sense for her to allow herself to live her former life, which was filled with depression, low self-esteem, low confidence and rejection. Living with depression is like a social fad at times. So normal and accepted by society. Deceptions of the devil. This is not God's concept of abundant life.

Ah, so she spent her time praying and rejecting these lies that she had been living with. Her joy, confidence and acceptance are found in the complete work of Jesus. Of course she might lapse into old thinking patterns and behaviours at times, but she has clearly made her choice today and has willed herself to keep praying and sticking to her convictions if she starts to wilt. As she always tells her clients, feelings are not facts.

She later found out through her study bible that this verse speaks of restoration to an individual and when God restores, He doesn’t just “bring back to a former or original condition” (as defined by the dictionary), He multiples. How comforting!

life

overheard on MSN between my female owner and her funny friend:

"when i was five, my mom told me to be happy in life. At school i was given an assignment of what i want to be when i grow up. i said happy. and my teacher said i didn't understand the assignment. i said she didn't understand life"

essays

Well… today marks another mini milestone. My female owner completed all her extra-curricular activities such as marking and research work. All she has on her plate now are two essays. One is due next Monday and she is almost done. In fact, she has reached that neurotic stage of wondering, how good is good enough? What else should be changed?

The other essay is due next Friday, and she intends to continue working on it next week (maybe 30% done?). A fairly straight-forward essay that requires little research but more application of knowledge (i.e. come up with treatment plans and intervention strategies). She is quite reluctant to put the final full-stop on these essays, coz these two essays actually mark the last of her coursework. After next Friday, she would have completed the coursework component of her programme. Time flies!

Believe it or not. After completing her marking just now, she felt lost. The “what’s next?” feeling. Huh? Just essay? And so, she started procrastinating and spent more than an hour talking to Onli Fren. Was a good chat nonetheless.

And yes, time to start on the essay now. Stop avoiding it!

avoid

And so, this is an interim update of her avoidance stance. My female owner took great pains to wake up late on Sunday so that she does not need to do any serious talking in the morning. Her housemates were out by the time she stepped out of her room at 1000hr (she had no choice, she had to go to the toilet). At night, she reached home about 2230, after a very meaningful dinner with some friends). They were asleep already.

This morning was as per usual. Male housemate out of the house, female housemate in her own room. Female housemate did not make any attempts to talk to her (which is good…. consistent to her avoidance philosophy).

So, two days after writing the note… nothing has transpired. My female owner certainly hopes that she can move out without a fuss… fingers crossed

avoidance

My female owner had a strange day, all because of her avoidance tendency. She finally decided that she would like to move out of her current place as soon as possible to a friend's house. She had been contemplating on this for more than a month. In fact, when Second Onli Fren was here, she put some pressure on my female owner to speak to her housemates about her moving out, and even offered to broach the subject with them. My female owner decided against it then, coz she was not ready to drop the bombshell.

Late last night, my female owner decided that she would move out. However, she’s really bad at discussing such issues. She felt that they would be angry, even though contractually, she was not bonded to any agreement, except that she had to give 2 weeks’ notice. Hence, she crafted a lousy, CMI (cannot make it) plan. She would write a letter to her housemates (sometimes she would do that to inform them of her whereabouts or talk about the excessive internet usage), leave it on the table and escape till late at night to yes, avoid them. She didn’t dare to see their reaction to the news and wanted to talk to them only after the anticipated initial shock (i.e. tomorrow).

So she camped in school, doing her laundry list of things. Until about 3pm, one of her church friends jioed her for lunch (?!). She responded and ended up in Sunnybank (20mins’ drive away). Because she was avoiding being home, she returned to school again to do her work. That was about 5pm.

At 6pm, another church friend jioed her for dinner (with some others) at his house in St Lucia. For some divine reason, she managed to get a lift from someone to go to his house (actually just mins away from her own house). Dinner ended at 8pm. Different people had different plans. One of the gals had to go back to work. My female owner felt that it was too early to go home (coz they would still be awake). So she requested to be dropped off at school again.

And she is still in school.. It's almost midnight. All because she don’t dare to go home, even though she didn’t do anything wrong. Onli Fren mused that she actually ran away from home! This anxiety is becoming irrational. My female owner even started wishing that someone would jio her out for supper. What’s wrong with her?

sand play

Ever heard of sand play therapy?

Apparently, it is a non-intrusive form of play therapy that allows children (or adults) to play out what is happening in their world. The therapist provides a sand tray, water, miniature objects and materials so that the child can imaginatively create scenes in the circumscribed space of the sand tray. The scene of picture that is constructed is a reflection of the child's inner and outer worlds and an expression of both conscious and unconscious thoughts.

One of the school counsellors at my female owner's placement specialises in sand tray. Her clients are mostly primary school children. Ever open to new ideas, my female owner decided to take up her offer to have a sand play session.

It turned out to be psychodynamic in practice. My female owner chose certain items from the shelf and arranged them in the sand tray (see her creation below). The counsellor then guided her to tell the story behind each placement. My female owner could see for herself how her story was an extension of her personality, inner thoughts and current concerns.

My female owner told her story before the counselor revealed what each region of the sand tray meant. The centre: Self. Left bottom: Sub-conscious. Left top: Religion or spirituality. Right top: Relationship with earthly father/ future. Right: Relationship with earthly mother. Right bottom: Relationships.

Eerie but true… my female owner’s story tallied with the various domains. Specifically, she pointed out the tiger as being her mother and the group of turtles as a group of friends. Notice that little orange turtle which is buried in the sand too? That placement is hard to relate to any domain I suppose. She saw herself as being on the boat, about to go out to explore things… and the top right, she expressed distressed that it was empty, glaringly empty. The sub-conscious domain was hard to explain. My female owner said that she didn’t know why she put leaves and pebbles there, but she pictured nature as she placed things there. When asked fast nature (e.g. wind) or still, she said, it was still. Hmm… Perhaps she is at peace at this period of time. The spiritual side, represented by the relaxed dog. Wahaha. Lazy Christian? The counselor didn’t draw any reference to religion but suggested that spiritually, she is calm and relaxed.

The thing about psychodynamic is that any interpretation can be correct, and you are often trying to find explanations that fit what your story is. Nonetheless, my female owner was astonished at the accurate tally of her story and most of the domains.

fear

Fear. A powerful motivator. A powerful inhibitor.

My female owner is scared of many small things. She knows they are irrational, but she gets anxious and avoids them when possible, creating inconveniences and restrictions in her life.

Injections. Prevents her from donating blood. In fact, she did it once, but never mustered up the courage to do it again.

Speed. She can’t take thrill rides and extreme activities like bungee-jumping.

Dogs. Stresses her out. Makes her take alternate paths to avoid them

Balloons. Yes, she cannot bring herself to blow balloons and screams (and sometimes tears) when a nearby balloon bursts.

My female owner also fearful of big things.

Commitment. Hence, spontaneity and impromptu gatherings are her lifestyle choice. No tying her down to big purchases or forward planning of more than two months.

Failure. Keeps her working harder than she should, to cover all grounds and to leave no stones unturned. Can be tiring and ineffective.

Intimacy. Shares her true feelings with a select few. Others only see the “friendly side of her”.

Disappointment. Hence, she dares not hope for too much or be too ambitious. Not getting what she hopes for = failure.

Making the wrong decisions. That explains her indecisiveness and tendency to remain in the status quo.

But fear, is not of God. We should not allow it to dictate our lives.

path

My female owner has been wondering about life after graduation. Although it is a good 12 months away, she knows that it is time to start thinking about “what’s next?”.

She doesn’t know.

Brisbane or Singapore? Or elsewhere? Having found some decent company (but not many she will count as frens, if you know what I mean) and gotten used to the slower, more relaxing pace of life, my female owner is reluctant to return to Singapore (for good) too quickly. Yet, Brisbane has never felt real. To her, it's like a dream land, where she escapes for 3 years... before returning to the "real world" of work and erm, work? Won't that mean being back to square one? What a waste of time.

Save for her “doctorate”, she reckons she is far behind in every other aspect of life. It’s the same old story: no career, no savings, no family of her own. Friends, those who matter to her, are far ahead of her. The feeling of being left behind is real.

At the same time, she knows that this will happen when she chose to take this path, a path which brought her out of her comfort zone, and threw her into the deep end. A path which will occupy her for three years. If she had a choice, she would still choose this path again. In fact, she might have chosen to take it earlier… or through another means, but yes, this path again.

Now, she doesn’t really know where this path leads to. No idea at all. While she is trying to figure it out, my female owner has decided to enjoy the rest of this path. She knows that God has more things in store for her, and that when the time is right, He will reveal more to her.

grace

My female owner had her prayers answered in a most unconventional, modern way. It all started on Sunday morning, when she went to her office with the intention of (finally) working on her multiple regression statistical analysis which she procrastinated for a week.

Opening up her thick stats book, she wrote a prayer as her MSN tagline. “God… help me with stats please.” My female owner didn’t think much of it, having resigned herself to an afternoon of perplexing statistical manoeuvres.

Ten minutes later, a friend popped up online and said excitedly “I can help you with stats!!”

The rest, they say, is history. Her friend kindly offered to meet her that afternoon for a two-hour crash course on multiple regressions. The friend is actually a statistics tutor in the School of Economics and does extra tutoring for students at a fee (it never occurred to my female owner that she could ask him for help). But he did it free for her... and even when she bought him a pizza for lunch, he returned the meal with coffee.

When my female owner wrote out that MSN tagline, she didn’t consciously mean it as a prayer. It was more out of desperation. But God, in His ever generous and protective grace, made things happen in such a way that her friend would log on on a Sunday morning, respond to that line, and be available to help her. The timing was just perfect. Her friend would be out of the country two days later till the end of October and she needed to hand in some analyses asap.

Ah, the grace of God. Hits you when you least expect it... but rescues you from darkness.

maths

When my female owner was small, she went for a family day outing with her mother and her colleagues. She was looking at some plants along the road (must have been a trip to some nature reserve or something) when an auntie came along to tell her more about the plants. She asked the auntie how she knew so much about the plants. The auntie said that when people grow up, they would specialise in one area (presumably she meant people would pursue a tertiary education in a selected field). My female owner then asked her (Singaporean mentality acting up here), how would she know which area she would specialise, would someone tell her?

About ten years later, my female owner decided that her “specialised field” would be psychology. Ten years after that ten years, she is still trying to qualify her specialisation. If my female owner did not do her last minute switch to psychology just before she entered university, she would have been a teacher. A mathematics teacher, to be exact.

She loves mathematics, to the point that she took both Mathematics C and Further Mathematics in Junior College. People thought she was mad. She even took Mathematics in first year of university and ended up aceing her modules coz they were easier than F. Maths. Can you beat that? She was finally not failing her tests. Anyway, she gave up Mathematics and Sociology in single-minded pursuit of psychology.

Throughout university, she tutored school-going students, and her pet subject was mathematics of course. She also fantasised that one day, when she got married and had children of her own, she would give up full-time work and be a freelance home-based tutor. This would enable her to be a stay-home mum and yet, be meaningfully occupied. Yah, that was her. She had simple aspirations.

Anyway, I'm digressing. The reason why I started talking about Maths is because the local news recently reported that parents were unhappy about the exceptionally difficult Mathematics papers for PSLE students. They even published one complicated question in the news. My female owner had a mini kick out of solving it. It is easier than it looks but for a 12 y.o., it might have been daunting.

Jim bought some chocolates and gave half of it to Ken. Ken bought some sweets and gave half of it to Jim. Jim ate 12 sweets and Ken ate 18 chocolates. The ratio of Jim’s sweets to chocolates became 1:7 and the ratio of Ken’s sweets to chocolates became 1:4. How many sweets did Ken buy?

Ah, the good old days when answers are clearly right or wrong. Unlike now, where her chosen field is largely subjective, shrouded with shades of greyish ethical, moral and spiritual considerations.

walk-in

My female owner went back to her placement on Thursday. It has been a fairly easy placement for her in the sense that she doesn’t need to do much after hours preparation. Might be another way of saying that she is slacking!

Anyway, she says that it was an extraordinary two days. Besides having all her usual students turning up (they sometimes forget to turn up and have to be called for), she had “walk-in” students exactly at the time-slots where she has no one booked in. This is also unusual coz walk-in students are not common and if she does, she’s usually unable to see them due to clashes in her schedule.

So all in all, she ended up with 8.5 hours to client contact hours this week. More than any preceding weeks and her prayer of 7 hours. Wat a relief. She passed the half-way mark in times of her hours! 44.5hours more to go.

My heart, Your home

If your heart is where God lives in, how would it look as a home? Will it be welcoming, cosy and warm? Or will it be awkward, restrictive and cold?

What kind of changes do you need to make, things you need to get rid of, things you need to add in, so that your heart will become a home for God?

All these years, my female owner’s heart has been small and restrictive. She allowed God to enter certain rooms in her heart, at her whims and fancies. Other rooms were out of bounds; their doors, guised as walls, covered with paintings.

Early this year, through a church friend, God spoke to her about these locked doors. The thing about doors is that, only you can open, and you choose who you want to open these doors to. My female owner decided that it was time to open (or maybe, to first locate, since she has blocked out many of these doors from her selective memory) these doors to God.

Over the past 6 months, my female owner struggled with opening these doors fully. Ambivalence. Memories. Deception. Fear. Doubts. Wounds. At times, she started closing the doors again. And if she did open those doors, she was hiding behind those doors, as if God was welcomed to come in… but she was too ashamed to see Him. As if to say, “God, you can come in…. but I will go out. This heart of mine, is too messy, I don’t know how to face You”.

At times, she became frustrated with herself. And yet, she was acutely aware of God’s presence and patience. She had the conviction that God has never given up on her.

Through this process, her heart now, is looking more like a home for God. The home which she is proud to invite God in, show Him around, and give Him access.

hurdle

My female owner started out on her semester break, listing down the things she had to complete by the time school started again. Happily, she did manage to complete all that she has set out to do.

Well, that was the first hurdle. For the rest of October, she has to complete the following:

• Proposal on dementia caregiving training – 60%
• Couple therapy paper – 60%
• Mark (or vomit over) 31 year 3 assignments
• Weekly tutor responsibilities (like respond to anxious students’ emails and prepare for class)
• Data analysis for research work + writing up of paper ASAP (in her supervisor’s words)

Already, she is sweating over her assignments. She broke out into her familiar pattern of panic and started to catastrophise all the worst case scenarios… and wondered if she would be able to fall sick strategically so that she can obtain a medical certificate to get an extension for her assignments.

In a way, the end is quite near for her. Only 3 more weeks till the end of semester, i.e., end of all her coursework. If she had continued in her Masters programme, she would have actually reached the end…. And graduate at the end of the year. And be a fully registered psychologist. Wow. That’s how fast 2 years went for her and us turtles.

Well, now she has an extra year to go, to complete her final placement and her 40000-word thesis.

first

My female owner had another run away weekend. Three weekends ago, she stayed over at SOF/SOF’B house. Two weekends ago, she did a SOF/SOF’B + Noosa Heads getaway. Last weekend, she stayed over at I-Fren’s house. Hmm.. didn’t realise how much she had been away, until now.

The sleepover at I-Fren’s started innocuously, with a simple aim of learning to pitch a tent. Unbeknownst to her, it morphed into a full weekend of experiential learning and many firsts. It started off with a dinner hosted by his mum on Friday night. My female owner rarely sits at a table, having a family-type dinner, especially with the conversation centred on direction in life/God. No wonder she was struck dumb. She also never spoken to any parent at such great lengths. Back in Singapore, it was always her friends who came to her house and wound up chatting with her mother.

Then, exposure therapy to her fear of dogs. It was either she stayed in the car for the night to avoid the dog or come out and be uncomfortable. She was forced, literally, held by the hand, to stand (trembling) in the dark and allow the dog to sniff her. She was then forced to pat the dog on the head. What horrors!

Saturday came and they picked up I-Fren’s friend (who was visiting from Melbourne) at the Gold Coast before heading to Lamington National Park for a hike. Her first time at the acclaimed place, south of Gold Coast. The drive up to Lamington was therapeutic and calming, especially when compared to the driving she had to do in Tasmania. For once, she could enjoy the sights, cows and wind as they went into the mountains and farms.

The initial plan was to do a 5-6km hike. It morphed into a 12.7km hike. Not that my female owner had any issues, coz she loves hiking (with ungirly people). What she didn’t expect was that the Melbourne friend (whom I-Fren hosted till Sunday evening) was a mega big camwhore. The trio ended up spending heaps of time posing with nature. From hanging off tree branches, to sitting on them like a swing, to crawling into a cave, and standing on rocks, to squeezing into tree trunks and checking out bums… they did them all.

And unexpectedly but gleefully, half-way in the hike, my female owner managed to turn the table on I-Fren and got him to do some rudimentary exposure therapy at the edge of the cliff, all in the name of confronting his fear of heights. Evil her.

The last 5km was unexpectedly difficult for my female owner. She started to slow down and to tail behind the guys. Her foot was developing a blister and she could feel quite painfully, the uneven terrain beneath her shoes. Nonetheless, walking through that long stretch of track alone, praying and humming worship tunes, my female owner had a spiritual conviction that this is how she wants to lead her life, always worshipping and praying even if times are hard and lonely.

Plan for the night was to make Ondeh-ondeh. Another first! Both I-Fren and her were clueless about what it meant to “cook tapioca flour until transparent” but nonetheless did their best to follow the recipe. Instead of getting green balls, they ended up with paddle-pop looking balls, no thanks to green, red and yellow food colouring. So cute!!! Another unexpected exposure therapy happened when my female owner was asked to light the stove with a match-stick and she had no choice but to confess that she can’t light a match-stick…. out of fear. I-Fren could not contain his surprise. His eyes widened so much, my female owner knew she was in trouble. She ended up having to practise lighting matches…. with him holding on to the box. Oh well… uncompleted therapy.

Sunday came. The original plan was to pitch a tent, remember? Well, it never materialised, because they went to attend a bridge opening. Another first! Yes, the Kurilpa Bridge, which links South Bank to the City across the Brisbane River was opened to the public that morning. An impromptu jio expanded the trio to five persons. They ended up lunching together in the city… and taking a walk to the Botanical Gardens…. Which was another first for my female owner. Yes, after 1.5years in Brisbane, she finally made it to the Botanical Gardens…. And discovered that there was actually a bridge (Good Will Bridge) that linked the Garden to South Bank.

And for the first time in her life, she climbed up a tree. Well, not exactly. She was pulled up by her friends. But it was fun for her, as she sat up in the tree, looking at things around her. Hmm, she could have stayed there the whole day. She also found clusters of bamboo in the Garden which she immediately gravitated towards. Bamboo! She adores them.

The day of sight-seeing (remember, they were actually hosting I-Fren’s friend) ended back at South Bank as they explored the landscaping and man-made beach. My female owner didn’t realise how tired she was, until she woke up from an 11-hr sleep this morning.

Yes, thanks to the two guys, she has heaps of photos... which she is too lazy to show me! One day, she says.

coin

My female owner had such an eventful weekend, starting Thursday night, that she is now rushing to complete her assignments. Work and play are really two sides to the same coin of life. She says she will tell me more when she can. For now, she has to work on her sex and old people papers.. Both due today.

career

One of us turtles possible career options..

children

It’s October!! Happie Children’s Day to you… and to us turtles. Last quarter of the year for everyone. It’s the crunch-time for those who have been slacking in the year. Time to wake up and pay their dues (that includes her actually).

My female owner always believed in the inner child. Hence, given a choice, she would celebrate Children’s Day with her adult friends. Maybe it’s just an excuse for her NOT to grow up. Strange that she doesn't really like children though... Once, her ex told her in frustration “I want to be with a lady, not a girl”. On well… that’s history anyway.

Anyway, for everyone out there, take time to celebrate Children’s Day.

statistics

My female owner rejected two lunch appointments today to stay home to do some statistics for her research work/ thesis (the boundaries are blurring, she doesn’t quite know what goes towards what). She also wanted to have some time to herself, after so many days of socialising.

8 hours after she started work, she is still struggling through basic statistical concepts.

What’s the difference between standard error of mean and standard error of measurement? Are they interchangeable?

How do you calculate test-retest reliability using SPSS?

Most importantly, how do you calculate reliability change index?

Hour by hour, she feels herself sinking deeper and couldn’t help but mentally sprouting vulgarities at herself (you know, at her stupidity, lack of understanding etc etc). Her anxiety and neuroticism are in full gear today. In desperation, she actually turned to Wikipedia and random websites for some ideas. By now, she is feeling mentally spent and physically stoned. Her room is in a big mess, with things lying around, surely an outward manifestation of the clutter in her mind. Her mood low and her sense of hope, microscopic. She started hallucinating about chocolate chip cookies. Okay, I’m kidding. She just wished she had some to munch on. Even the thought of celebrating Mooncake Festival tomorrow with some friends failed to excite her. Feeling lousy and highly anti-social, my female owner reckons that she will hibernate at home till the end of the week (and hope that no one notices her absence so that she doesn’t have to answer questions).

menopause

sense

My female owner can’t believe how quickly two weeks flew by. It seemed like just yesterday when she was eagerly counting the days/ hours to seeing Second Onli Fren again. A couple of hours ago, she hugged SOF goodbye. It was the end of her two-week holiday in Brisbane.

My female owner was left with a sense of “unfinished business”. She felt as if she did not spend enough time with SOF. No doubt, the amount of time they spent together was probably more than the total amount of time they spent together in 2008, but somehow, my female owner felt that the interaction was not deep enough. Not as intimate and heart-to-heart as she would like it to be. Sure thing. They spent time doing different things together but most of the time, there were other people around as well. She probably had about 6 hours of alone time with SOF.

And now that SOF is gone, my female owner is grappling with a sense of loss and void. She says it is like you have gotten used to life without something but when that something (or someone) comes back, you start to adapt yourself to that addition as previously before it left, but when that addition is once again taken away from you, you are left stranded, with a greater sense of helplessness as compared to previously when you had gotten used to life without it.

Hmm… if that makes sense. It was the same kind of feeling she had when she went for her Gold Coast escapade with Potahto in Mar 2008 and when they parted, it was painful for my female owner. She was almost in tears as she turned away from the train station after saying goodbye to Potahto.

Oh well, it’s never really goodbye but “till we meet again”, isn’t it? After all, absence makes the heart grow fonder..

what if

My female owner says that she will be back in Singapore in 69 days. And it is with fear and trepidation that she awaits the final day. Such an irony isn’t it? For someone who claims that she can’t wait to be home again.

Home is where the heart is. My female owner still regards Singapore as her home. She holds her beloved family and friends close to her heart.

At the same time, her affection for Brisbane (and the lifestyle) is increasing. She knows that she is going to miss her Brisbane friends when she returns to Singapore. They were just talking about having a birthday party for Dec babies and well, my female owner won’t be around for that. For the first time, her MSN contacts for “Brisbane” are more active than the other categories of her life (e.g. “Aikido”, “Colleagues”, “Church”). Just two days ago, someone found out that she would be returning to Singapore in December and later on, asked her privately “how long will you be gone?”

My female owner felt a wave of familiarity as she heard those words, spoken in a well-meaning tone. It was exactly how her friends had asked (“how long will you be gone?”) when she told them that she would be leaving Singapore to further her studies. For the first time, she felt that maybe, home is now Brisbane and she is leaving Brisbane for a foreign country. For how long? She hasn’t decided. 6 weeks? 8 weeks? Depends.

I guess that’s why my female owner is apprehensive about returning home. What if she went home and found out that she can’t fit in anymore? That her friends have moved on with their respective lives and there is a widening gap that can no longer be bridged? That would be heart-wrenching for my female owner.

On the flip side, what if she went home and found that she really loved Singapore and Brisbane, at the end of the day, is just a passing season in her life, an illusion she created (at the cost of more than 100k) just so that she could escape a bad job and a failed relationship? Won’t that make leaving Singapore another painful experience?

You know what, I think my female owner thinks too much for her own good. “Live in the present!” as what one of her friends told her. “Let go of the past!” as many had admonished her. Like it or not, 69 days is going to pass quickly and before you know it, she will be back! Let The Balcony party!!!

prickly

My female owner is edgy today. I think it is a sure sign of stress. She caught up with Onli Fren on MSN and one of the first things Onli Fren said was “why are u anti-men today?”

Hmm. That made my female owner do a double-take. Over the weekend, she was exposed to “good men”.

For example, Mr Nice Guy who drove them all the way from St Lucia to Noosa Heads (about 3 hours) and back, without complaining. He even washed and cleaned the car (which belonged to another person) by himself and without being asked.

Two guys (including Mr Nice Guy) who woke up early on Saturday to prepare breakfast (think McMuffins and Hotcakes).

Guys who volunteered to carry a heavy backpack for a female friend during the Coastal Trail.

Yet, she is still prickly about guys. Particularly because over a few days, she saw how SOF was “hen-packed” in the presence of SOF’B. Despite her wilful inclinations, my female owner is submissive at heart and I know she would want her guy to lead in the relationship. In fact, she finds guys who lead and are decisive attractive. But she cannot tolerate guys who make decisions without considering what the gal wants or guys who override their partners’ decisions for no good reason (e.g. just a matter of preference).

But well… not all guys are bad. So hopefully, she will stop being so edgy.

crash

Now that her holiday is over, my female owner is hit with the dire state of her school and work commitments. By the end of the coming week (which is the semester break), she needs to complete the following:

• One group assignment on geriatric depression
• One written assignment on child sexual abuse
• At least half an assignment (i.e. 2500words) on interventions for caregivers of people with dementia
• Statistical analyses for one chapter of her thesis (that means having to figure out how to do things like reliability change index and ANOVA/ MANOVA…. And she is clueless)
• Organise her thoughts for the sex and couple therapy assignment (which she knows she won’t have time to start)

In addition, SOF is still around so my female owner foresees herself spending 1-2 days with her.

October looks nasty for my female owner actually. Oh no. Will she crash again?

ecstatic

Been such a long while since I heard from my female owner. For a couple of days, I thought she disappeared from the surface of the earth and wondered seriously, if I (and the rest of us turtles) would ever see her again.

It turns out that she had been busy playing host to Second Onli Fren (or baby-sitting as she puts it). Things they did included eating at Nando’s (Potahto would be familiar with this), citycating along Brisbane River, photo-taking at Southbank, having ice-cream (growing fatter actually) there, baking muffins, making mango pudding, and nuaing at one of my female owner’s friends house, staying over and shopping (again!).

And she fitted all these into her regular schedule of school and work. No wonder she vanished into thin air!

To add to that, my female owner escaped Brisbane to Noosa Heads (north of Brisbane) for a getaway with her church friends over the weekend. 9 of them stayed over in a gorgeous villa on Friday night, each paying only $40 for that million dollar experience (comes with a heated pool cum jacuzzi) and awesome fellowship.

They were joined by 9 others on Saturday (the non-stayers) for a day at the beach. While waiting for the non-stayers to come, the first group went for a short bushwalk along the Coastal Trail where they were treated to scenic views of the beach and ocean. Unexpectedly, they even spotted a mother whale and her baby swimming by… and a koala high up in the eucalyptus tree. All these sightings for free! My female owner did not take any photos coz her friends had cameras and so, she said to check her FB for photos.

And, with that ecstatic high she experienced since Thursday morning, no wonder my female owner suffered an emotional crash on Saturday. She started to talk less and became quiet. It was so visible that her church friends wondered if she was ok. I think my female owner was socially over stimulated, if there’s such a condition.

Ah, fun times indeed. Now to settle the financial, emotional and time debts..

hypothetical

It’s quite an obvious thing to say at most cross-roads of your life, you have to make a decision among the different choices that you have. And the decision you make affects the trajectory of your life thereafter. So for example, your choice of junior college. My female owner chose to attend a neighbourhood school even though she could get into some of the top colleges. In doing so, she made some really good friends (e.g. Couple Fren). Sometimes, when she is with them, she would wonder, “what happens if I did not attend this school? Where would I be now, since I wouldn’t have known them? Who would have been my friends instead?” Questions which she can never answer of course.

The same goes for many of her social events. Say, last night, when she was with SOF and her boyfriend. My female owner started to wonder, “what happens if I never knew SOF? Would this event (referring to the dinner they cooked) still happen?” SOF and boyfriend would probably be together, but the dinner might not have happened, coz it was sparked by a random suggestion by my female owner to cook pig’s trotters.

Say tonight for example. After having dinner with her church friends, she went to Mr Nice Guy’s house to learn how to change guitar strings. Watching Mr Nice Guy and her guitar teacher at work, my female owner started to wonder, “if I had never come to Brisbane, I won’t be here. Where would I be now?”

The thought of parallel worlds. At some random moments, my female owner would dissociate from her surroundings and start to look at things as if she was not part of the situation. Just an observer. Wondering how life might be different, if she had chosen a different path from the one she is currently taking. Even something as hypothetical as how would life have turned out, if she had come to Brisbane in 2007 instead of 2008.

surprise

My female owner finally came back from a two-day pseudo getaway with Second Onli Fren (SOF) and her boyfriend (SOF’B). She says it is pseudo because really, all they did was to go to Chinatown for lunch, Jindalee for cheap shopping, some girl-time at her house (without SOF’B of course), bible study in St Lucia (like ten mins from where my female owner lives), bubble tea at Sunnybank, weekend marketing at Rocklea, Aldi’s and Sunnybank (again), home-cooking at his house in Cooper Plains (once again, it’s the guy who did the yummy cooking. Shame on the gals!) and finally, back to her house for some chit-chat. So really, they did things that they might have normally done in Brisbane, just that now, SOF is around to experience their way of life firsthand.
Sometimes, looking at SOF, my female owner can’t believe that she is really next to her in flesh and blood. It’s such a surreal feeling for my female owner, to have her good friend sitting next to her, talking about random stuff. Just like the good old days…

Despite the years of friendship, there will always be things that would surprise you. My female owner learnt that SOF once didn’t really like her at first coz she felt that my female owner was aloof. This was exactly what Onli Fren felt about my female owner, before they became great friends. My female owner never knew that SOF felt that way too; she only found out because SOF was telling one of my female owner’s bible study friends how their friendship started.

Hmm… My female owner really puts in great efforts to make enemies eh.

read

My female owner has been grouchy over the past few days. She didn’t really think so, but Therapist Fren pointed out to her that although she said that she was ok, her tone over the phone (they spoke for more than an hour) was down and edgy. My female owner didn’t really think it was PMS… until Therapist Fren reminded her that PMS really stood for pre-present-post menstrual syndrome.

Reflecting back, my female owner had to admit that she had been more complaining than usual this week. Hmmm… Small things annoyed her. Past issues irritated her. Innocuous social contact made her withdraw even more into her shell (she’s really the mother of all turtles). Only interactions with familiar and trusted few soothed her nerves.

Ever since my female owner started on her second externship, her self-confidence grew. This was largely due to her supervisor who explicitly expressed her confidence in my female owner and tirelessly drew out examples of things she did well in. One thing she told my female owner to do was to “trust your instincts” because she had seen how my female owner’s instincts had helped direct her therapeutic decisions which then translated into “light bulb” moments for her clients.

My female owner had always given people the benefit of the doubt (sometimes unwisely) and she hardly trusted her instincts because she felt that she could be wrong. This explains why she has always been naïve and gullible. (Even Functional Fren, a trusted ally, plays tricks on her and my female owner is none the wiser… until he confesses. Because my female owner knows he means no harm, she doesn’t take his pranks to heart). But since that talk, my female owner made more effort to observe and read people and sometimes, she doesn’t like what she reads. And she ends up feeling bad for reading negative things in people. You know, it’s like passing judgements on people. “This person cannot be trusted”. “What’s wrong with him?? So old already still like that”. You get the drift.

Maybe that’s why she has been feeling grouchy.

10%

My female owner did her culling of FB friends and she removed 27 people on her list. That's exactly 10% from her original of 271. How coincidental! So she has 244 friends now.

And there was a time when she wondered if she would even hit 100 friends. How short-sighted she was!

when God made you

Apparently in a romantic mood, my female owner thought how nice it would be to dedicate this song to someone.

cull

My female owner culled some handphone contacts recently.... and some MSN contacts. She says that she will cull some FB friends next.. Right now, she has 271 friends. Let's see how many she will get rid off...

This is the Introvert speaking. She doesn't need many friends. She is more interested in deep, intimate friendships.

again

My female owner had a conversation with her Functional Fren today, after a long while. She always appreciates friends updating her about their lives coz it helps her to feel connected to her friends and also valued (like, they bothered to keep her in the loop about their lives).

So anyway, FF started of the MSN exchange by alerting her to his latest FB update, which, unsurprisingly, is a MBTI analysis of his career choice. Now, FF and her had countless conversations about MBTI. He even did an analysis of her, before knowing her profile, and got it right.

Curious, my female owner attempted the same FB quiz... and going through the questions, she started to wonder what might happen if she didnt get the same result as always. Her profile had always been consistently INFP. And surprise surprise, her result was as per usual, INFP! For some reason, my female owner expected something else to appear. Anyway, my female owner can imagine herself in any of the careers suggested. Hmmm..

__________________________________________

INFP - The Idealist

You are a special and sensitive individual that needs a career which is more than just a job. You need to feel that what you do everyday has special meaning and can live your life in accordance to your strong value system. You are focused on constant growth and have a positive outlook on life. Because you are driven to do find meaning and purpose in your work, you will be happiest in careers where you are allowed to work towards those values you hold and towards the greater good of humanity as a whole. Many of the great writers of the world have been INFPs.

Some of your personality traits include:
* Strong value systems
* Warmly interested in people
* Service-oriented, usually putting the needs of others above your own
* Loyal and devoted to people and causes
* Future-oriented
* Growth-oriented; always want to be growing in a positive direction
* Creative and inspirational
* Flexible and laid-back, unless a ruling principle is violated
* Sensitive and complex
* Dislike dealing with details and routine work
* Original and individualistic - "out of the mainstream"
* Excellent written communication skills
* Prefer to work alone, and may have problems working on teams
* Value deep and authentic relationships
* Want to be seen and appreciated for who you are

Some of your suggested careers are:
* Writer
* Counselor / Social Worker
* Teacher / Professor
* Psychologist
* Psychiatrist
* Musician
* Clergy / Religious Workers

Kevin Kern - Touch the Sky

My female owner has always enjoyed Kevin Kern's music. She never knew that he cant see. Watching this video, seeing how fluently he navigated the keys and the emotions he put in his songs made her realise that really, one is only limited by the restrictions he places on him.

restless

My female owner is feeling very restless today. She did absolutely nothing today, except to pull herself out of her house to attend her 3pm lecture. She had great thoughts of skipping class. Someone was telling her to just go, since she lives so near school. My female owner’s reply was that it is not a convenience issue, but a motivational one.

She is also restless because Second Onli Fren is arriving in the wee hours of Wed morning! Woohoo! Just a couple of days more. I know she can’t wait to see her again. They used to spend so much time together… sleeping over at each other’s houses, scuba-diving, exercising, eating, eating, more eating, serving in church together, playing bridge, talking through the wee hours of the morning…

Actually, I must attribute my female owner’s flute learning journey (and us turtles’ suffering) to Second Onli Fren. For some strange reason, both of them got interested in learning to play the flute at the same time. So, with peer encouragement, they signed up for classes at Yamaha. Second Onli Fren missed the first two lessons, attended the next one, and quitted after that, leaving my female owner to carry on with her flute exploits. Talk about being abandoned from the word “go”!

Yah, so anyway, my female owner’s feeling sianz today. There’s no one online whom she wanna talk to. Nothing to look forward to for the night (especially since both her housemates are home so early…)

And a happie thought just popped into her head… “get some durian chips!” oh well, at least she is good at self-regulating her mood.

cook

My female owner always says that you can tell a person’s character from the way he cooks.

In my female owner’s bible study group, people take turns to cook for one another. Outside of church, she sometimes has potluck dinners with her friends or cooks dinner with them.

It’s not the culinary skills that she looks out for. Rather, she looks at how people put a meal together that tells her more about the person. Using this, she has encouraged many individuals with the positives she observed. As a food team leader, she always encourage her members to “cook with the heart”, coz her personal belief is that when people see the sincerity through the food, they will enjoy the food more. She also hopes that will take the pressure of her team to “perform” as well as the masterchefs in her bible study group.

Erm, the same can’t be said about the way she prepares food for us turtles. It comes straight out of a container… and once every two days at best. Sometimes, she procrastinates and we don’t get fed till the 3rd day. But well, there was a time when she actually boiled mini pieces of carrots for Dodo (who liked it so much) and Dona… and received a shelling from her mother for being “so free”. Apparently, she got jealous that my female owner took time to boil carrots for my brothers but didn’t bother to prepare a meal for her.

speechless

My female owner had a mini outburst today because of what someone said to her yesterday. Instead of internalising her emotions (as what she would normally do), she decided to clear her system by talking to I-Fren about it (since he would know where she was coming from). Yah, the outburst came from the sharing coz she had suppressed her reactions for a good part of yesterday.

Looks like my female owner is still in the early stages of establishing her sense of self, clarifying her values/ beliefs and recognising her internal compass. Brisbane09 has been a fruitful journey for her in countless ways. Having said that, the more she grew/ learnt/ discovered, the more she realised that there are so much more she wants to work on in terms of character building, personal development and spiritual maturity. And each challenge she faced (like yesterday) presents a chance for her to respond in a more appropriate manner, and to reflect on how she has changed.

My female owner says that while she was speechless (as she normally would be when caught offguarded) when her friend said something uncalled for (in her opinion), the way she handled the aftermath was less emotional and rash than before. Well, she did realise that she needs to work more on thinking on her feet and conflict management. For now, she has decided to move on and let go of her negative emotions. She has sort-of worked out her values and beliefs with regards to the issue and if approached by anyone, she knows what she will say to stand by her choice of actions. Of course, at this point in time, it still has to be an amiable exchange, and not a sudden confrontation. Otherwise, she would be speechless again. At the end of the day, my female owner is still not up to that sort of intense interpersonal exchange.

For now, my female owner thinks that it would be great if people will listen first and not jump to conclusions.

another birthday!

It's my brothers' 9th birthday today!

Wah, they are so old already. Almost double digit. We girls started living with them when we crossed the "cute stage" for our original owner and my female owner took us in so that we could receive better care.

Wishing them happie birthday! I know my female owner misses them... and us! Evidence? She looked into a fish tank, saw a goldfish... and interacted with it, the way she would with us!

Dona (the smaller turtle) is camera-shy.. so we dont have many photos of him. That's Dodo on the left...

Another rare shot of my brothers together. Notice how Dodo is nosing Dona. He always does that. Makes me wonder if Dodo has a special affection for Dona...

Dodo... comfortable in my female owner's hands (as always) while she takes a picture of him.

reminded

After working hard for 6 weeks running, my female owner is starting to feel physically exhausted. Not in a depressive sense, but just perhaps, burnt out. So it is timely that she is getting a three weeks’ break from her externship placement due to the school holidays. My female owner has seldom looked forward to Fridays, the way she has in recent times. Fridays (and some part of weekends) are now like an oasis for her.

So anyway, my female owner began counting down her commitments before the rest of the year is over. 13 weeks till December… 7 weeks of coursework… etc etc.

Today, God reminded her that what it really means is that she has 12 more weeks to go before her time in Brisbane 09 is over. 12 weeks. It is not about counting down the number of weeks back to Singapore. It is about maximising the remaining time she has, to achieve even greater spiritual maturity and intimacy with God.

Today, God reminded her of the first few weeks she spent in Brisbane last year. Particularly, how He helped her ease into the local church. Also, His faithfulness and protection leading her back into His presence.

Finally, God reminded that He knows beforehand the things that my female owner is going to experience (or had experienced, depending on what time-frame you are using) and if He had allowed some things to happen, He has/ had those events under control. So my female owner can rest in the knowledge of His sovereign will and know that she can overcome all things that come in her way.

ang pow

Being away from Singapore means that my female owner misses all her friends’ weddings. Actually, at her age, most of her friends are already in the baby-making stage (yeah, she is so far behind... but that's a separate story altogether). So she is missing out on two significant life events of her friends.

Come to think of it, the ones who are getting married are actually her ex-girls! Yeah, the girls she used to nurture when they were fresh out of Sunday School. A couple of them are getting married…. to her peer male friends. Hmmm... must have been interesting for her to see how things had developed over the years.

So, anyway, after being out of touch of the “market rate” for so long, it was handy that one of her friends sent her this.

stats

Procrastinating on doing statistical analyses for her research work, my female owner decided to start the ball rolling by running a statistical analysis of her friends on FB.

Most common name: Tan (4 friends)
Most common zodiac sign: Libra (25 friends)
Longest name: Straysvolunteers Tan
Shortest name: TJ Tan
Female/Male: 47% / 53%
Single/Taken: 31% / 69%
Youngest friend: 18 years old
Longest life: 49 years old
Average age: 28 years old

Hmmm…Looks like my female owner’s friends are on average, 10 years older than her. Hurhur! I think I know who the 18yo is. As part of English tuition, she once had to look at my brothers, Nana (when he was still alive) Dodo and Dona and write a short composition about them. Must have traumatised her badly then.

gender

Another one of those pensive days… its her parents’ wedding anniversary. 34th it seems. And also, her ex-bf’s birthday. So you can imagine what she is thinking about. Truth be told, my female owner often wonders what happened to him. More of curiosity than pinning (good heavens, no!).

Anyway, a guy recently declared to her a few times, that “girls are troublesome, so it’s better to remain single”. Hmmm… the male version of her “all guys are bad” statement. She was actually taken aback to hear this coming from a Christian brother, spoken with great exasperation and frustration too. I wonder what happened to him.

And another guy (who was around) was lamenting how unreasonable girls are, to expect guys to understand them, when they keep changing their minds. And together, they (the two guys) said that girls should just say what they want, instead of hinting or expecting the guy to know.

Oh well… gender differences. My female owner, being out-numbered and trapped in a car (that's the best place to have a captive audience), wisely listened and displayed (professional?) empathy for their difficulties.

chance

It has happened so many times that my female owner doesn’t know whether to be spooked by it.

It started in the postgrad pantry of the School of Psychology on the first day of class in Sem 1 this year. She was about to use the microwave oven when he also approached it. My female owner offered to let him use first. Her curiosity was aroused because Asian guys appearing in the postgrad pantry of the School of Psychology was a rare occurrence. She thought he might be a new student.

After lunch, she trotted off for her first class in domestic violence. Lo and behold, he entered the class. Mildly shocked at the coincidence, my female owner quickly figured out that he is a postgrad counselling student.

My female owner didn’t expect more “coincidences” to happen, after the two chance encounters within an hour. She was so wrong.

Soon after this, they happened to meet at the entrance of the library and chatted.

She met him once along the road, as she entered school at 6pm on a weeknight (she was meeting her supervisor, he was obviously on the way home). Again, they chatted.

Once, she saw him entering the library, as she was heading that way to meet Therapist Fren who had to meet someone else to pass on some materials. Anti-social, she decided to hang around outside before going in. She met Therapist Fren and waited with her for the person…. who turned out to be him! And they continued a conversation from the previous encounter. There’s no escape it seems.

Attending her first psychology class of Sem 2, she saw him in the class. He had chosen it as an elective. The chance encounters did not end there.

Recently, she met him again, at Sunnybank, on a random weekday where she was grocery shopping with Therapist Fren after an afternoon of tim-sum. She thought maybe he stays in Sunnybank.

And in one of the few times she went to the library this Sem, she was hunting for a particular book, when he appeared at the very aisle… and was looking for a book at the very spot she was at.

Today was probably the weirdest occurrence of all. She was in school doing some work. In the evening, after some procrastination, she eradicated herself to do a short run around the school. Finishing up at 1800hr, on a Saturday evening in uni, she met him again while going back to her office. He had just finished swimming and was going back to his locker. She asked him where he lived (coz of the chance encounter at Sunnybank) and found out that he lived in the same suburb as her. Hmmm..

How weird are these encounters?! She meets him more often by chance than any of her friends, in vastly different circumstances too. And before you think, wah, so fated, maybe it’s a sign… my female owner has been quick to point out that he is shorter than her. So no go.

The lion reunion christian full

My female owner cried when she watched this video (as usual!). This is the news clip: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gjZr2UuOalo

Ah, she had been asked many times to release us turtles into the wild. If she ever does (which I hope she doesn't!! we are so domesticated already and can't swim), I'm sure us turtles will come running towards her, as fast as our little hands and legs can carry us, if we see her standing by the pond, waiting for our appearance.

Learning English through Exercise

My female owner couldnt decide whether the clip was to help people learn English through exercise, or learn exercise through English. Some of the moves, though slow, look like they require complex motor coordination.

emo-ness

My female owner had an ultra-emo day yesterday. She just felt like being emo, even though there was nothing really wrong in her life. Or maybe, there is really something wrong in her life, since she is emo over nothing! Anyway, she was largely stressed over her research work and tutor responsibilities.

For the first time ever, she showed her emo-ness to some of her bible study group friends over email. This is just a group of six individuals who spent one random night playing the boardgame Man Law Woman Rule (apparently, this is a really fun and eye-opening game to play, if you want to know your friends better) and thereafter, kept chatting over email.

In the midst of her emo-ness, she received an email from a good fren who was mega-emo. My female owner then tore herself away from her own emo-ness, in order to draft a supportive email back. But she got sucked deeper into the emo vibes. She also found out that one of her friends is using drugs and felt responsible (but helpless) to do anything about it.

At night, she went for a prayer meeting held in the house of one of her bible study group friends (who cooked a yummy beef noodle soup for everyone! So sweet!!). She was touched when one of them recalled the contents of her email and asked if she would like to be prayed for (people are actually processing what she wrote!). The night ended with her practicing for worship with some of her friends. Everyone was tired and couldn’t coordinate properly (timing, pitch etc), but they had great fun in the midst of the chaos.

Coming home, she found out that she actually clocked less than 75mins for her 10km run on Sunday. That was a pleasant surprise, coz she thought she would take two hours, although she was aiming for less than 85mins. In fact, her timing was faster than any of her previous attempts in Singapore (especially her first attempt when she was 23yo, so ageing hasn’t affected her speed, something to cheer about.)

Hmmm..

And this morning, her supervisor told her that the introduction draft (which she submitted to him last night) was good for her thesis, that it had the logic required and well, basically she just had to tighten it to use it in publications.

Phew. Some headway made, after working on that introduction for a few weeks.

Definitely less emo today.