angtsy

My female owner is feeling a little angsty today. Things that normally don’t irritate her rattled her today. Maybe it’s nearing the time of the month? I’m not sure if she is extra grouchy during those periods but maybe her friends, who are most likely to be on the receiving end, can testify to changes in her temperament. I know some would say she is grouchy all the time. Anyway, what I am sure of is that she tends to cry at least once during that time of the month. I mean, she would get emo over some small thing and then cry, when usually, she might get emo and it stops there. Dunno if any male readers can empathise with what women go through on a regular basis or identify with what I just described.

As I was saying, my female owner is a little angsty today. She decided before going to church that she would not go for dinner tonight. But she changed her mind when the leader called everyone together after service ended to say that they can go off immediately for dinner. She believed it but ended up waiting for about 45mins for signs of movement, by then she decided to go home after all. Methinks she should have just stuck to her initial decision instead of vacillating.

deadlines

My female owner is swarmed with deadlines, deadlines that she wants to meet in order to graduate on time, get registered as a psychologist and apply for PR. Hence, this is her rough time-line (subject to changes)

April/ May:
Apply for full registration (if she qualifies)
Check out new registration guidelines for nation-wide registration procedures

June:
Complete final placement
Check out new immigration guidelines and respond accordingly

Aug/Sept:
Submit thesis
Sit for English proficiency test

Oct:
Job hunt

Nov:
Officially complete studies (when marked thesis is returned)
Health check for PR application
Submit application for PR

Dec:
Graduation ceremony

mse

My female owner had another fulfilling day at placement yesterday. The Singaporean working ethics was unleashed in her, as she worked tirelessly from 0800 to 1830hr. Her official hours are 0830 to 1730hr. She was so busy, she didn’t even have time to read her work emails and lunch was just a 15min refill, just to keep her stomach from growling. Engaging in meaningful work kept her adrenalin going and she would have gone on, if not for the fact that she had a dinner appointment to rush to.

She also had her first supervision session where her supervisor and her went over a needle-phobia case. Although my female owner had heard mixed things about her supervisor (which made her a little apprehensive), my female owner said that it was one of the most educational sessions she ever had with any supervisor. Even running through MSE (or mental state examination) – something that is often overlooked by clinicians – was a novel experience. No one ever taught her the nuances/ art of doing an MSE, not even during her coursework.

Sounds like she is enjoying herself pretty much.

flourish

My female owner had the most impromptu dinner of all yesterday. A series of events that started on Tuesday, followed by miscommunication between two people on Wednesday, led to one (a guy) offering to cook dinner for the other (a gal) and my female owner while he was driving back from work.

My female owner was highly impressed with what the guy did. From rushing back after work, to grocery shopping, to picking up both of them to go to his house, to cooking four yummy dishes, to taking food for them during dinner, to washing up everything (including the sink!), to bringing them out for desserts, to sharing with them bible stories over desserts (takes a lot of energy to keep talking, my female owner reckons) and sending them home afterwards.

*touched*

Although it might be offensive to some, my female owner still stands by her observation that guys in Brisbane are generally nicer, more gentlemanly and talented (in cooking?). Having said that, there are a few exceptions among her Singaporean friends. Quite certainly, the environment in Brisbane allows this softer of them to flourish. In Singapore, who really bothers to cook a meal for others impromptuly? And why would guys needs to take care of girls since everyone has a family to go home to?

Ah, another highly recommended guy for a deserving gal.

sizes

I think God must be tired of hearing my female owner gripe about her fatness that He decided to take action. True, she is not slender and model-size, but it is also true that she is NOT fat. Just a bit flabby and oozy at certain unimportant places.

In the current placement, my female owner ended up working with several morbidly obese patients, trying to help them deal with binge-eating and other psychopathology and make sustainable lifestyle changes. Seeing some of these patients, whose BMI are higher than her weight, spill over a standard-sized chair while talking about their weight issues really helped my female owner to put things into perspective. It’s hard to whine about an extra kg of weight-gain, when others are told that they have to lose 50kg for health reasons.

Alas, this also triggered my female owner to label us turtles according to our sizes.

Dona – skinny
Dodo – lean and just right (so unfair!)
Nanook – obese (my female owner needs two hands to carry her)
Me – plump (i.e. short and fat… would be perfect if I am bigger in shell-length)

shivery

My female owner has been back in Brisbane for only a month but she says it feels as if she has been back for a long time, like 2-3 months. The main reason is of course, her jumping straight into placement, work and thesis, which in turn, forces her to establish a weekly routine that requires her to wake up early most mornings. My female owner says this is more stressful than working. “This” being, the daily battle between her flesh and her conscience when she switches off the snooze button for the umpteen time.

Yes, besides tweaking her circadian rhythm, my female owner is trying to adjust her seasonal routine too. You know, it’s going to be autumn soon and the thought of it sends shivers down her spine. After shivery autumn would be spooky winter. But that is still a few months down the road and she has decided to deal with winter when it comes.

2009 was a year of relaxation and refreshing, and in sharp contrast, 2010 has been an uphill experience. My female owner expects the next few months to remain challenging but looks forward (so she says) to the growth and development that come with stretching.

season

Still on the topic of confidence.

Mr Nice Guy told my female owner last night to have more confidence in herself! Wahaha. Word in season. What happened was that a few of them went out for an impromptu dinner (Onli Fren says that my female owner is an impromptu magnet). Mr Nice Guy ended up buying takeaway ice-cream and in order to eat it, asked my female owner to drive his car.

My female owner was nervous about it coz she seldom drives a car when the owner is sitting in it. But anyway, she did it. And afterwards, Mr Nice Guy gave her the keys to drive again and when my female owner started to talk about her poor driving, he said those magic words. Seems like people believe more in her than herself.

confidence

Confidence, and the lack of it, is very easy to identify. Through some warped childhood experiences, my female owner grew up with a defective schema that she is not good enough, unlovable etc etc. A prime candidate for schema-focused therapy, she says. Anyway, over the past year, she had the privilege of being nurtured by many outstanding supervisors and teachers.

Externship supervisor 2 told her repeatedly to trust what she knows and who she is, coz my female owner tended not to realise what she knows, choosing to focus on what she lacks.

Her research supervisor recently, in a work-related discussion, suddenly changed track to tell her that he’s trying to build her confidence through the various things he is getting her to do as a research assistant. That within a year’s time, she would transit from a student to a professional. Hence, she needs to be confident of herself and the decisions she make. My female owner was touched by his efforts.

An even more recent encounter pertains to her flute teacher, whom she met for three times only. He pointed out her confidence issue and egged her to believe in herself. What happened was that he made her play a relatively new piece at a much faster tempo than she had prepared and she gave him an incredulous look (which he responded by saying “don’t give me that look”). However, within a couple of minutes, she reached that tempo and even faster, thus proving his point.

Confidence. Another area to work on, besides her social disengagement.

buttons

In a bid to understand herself better, my female owner started to wonder what her “red buttons” are, i.e. what gets on her nerves. She spent a while thinking about it and couldn’t really generate much results. Either she is so detached that there is nothing anyone can do to irritate her, or she does not really know herself very well. Since she is quite a grouch, the former must not be true, lending support that she needs to embark on a journey of self-discovery.

Let me try to help her out.

People who don’t keep their promises, especially the important ones.

People (especially working adults) who borrow money and conveniently forget to return.

People who do not treat their parents respectfully or take care of them.

People who inform five minutes after the set meeting time that they would be late, or worse still, still at home at the prearranged meeting time.

People who bring along other people for social gatherings without first informing the rest (unless it is an open gathering).

People who ill-treat animals (of course!)

People who are not ready or make drivers wait when they are being picked up from their homes.

People who ask close-ended questions majority of the time (this must be an occupational hazard).

Guys who are gentlemanly only to the gal they are chasing.

Gals who put on too much make-up or act cute or uses a cute voice excessively or act like a damsel in (fake) distress.

Ah.. the list goes on. For such people, my female owner tends to minimise social contact.

influx

One of my female owner’s goals for this year is to be more proactive socially. Sounds like a trivial goal to work towards, especially when many of her friends don’t seem to have a problem talking to new people or acquaintances.

Growing up , my female owner had always been the shy and tight-lipped one. She didn’t speak up in class, never volunteered an answer to teacher’s questions and her report cards usually said “need to speak up more in class”. The Asian mentality of “children should be seen and not heard” was probably applied to her upbringing. The beginning of each new school year always brought anxiety. She usually would have a stranger as her new partner and erm, yes, she tended to wait for the partner to break the ice and make the first introduction.

More than 20 years on, things seem to remain the same. Passive and anti-strangers. My female owner knows that this year would be a year of stretching beyond her comfort zone. She is already struggling in her new bible study group where there are constantly new people visiting the group (she is actually quite pissed by some people who go around shopping for a bible study group, looking for a “suitable” group. Did they ever consider the flip side, if they would be suitable for the group?).

Believe you me, my female owner has been distressed by the influx of people and the (unspoken) expectations of older folks to assimilate the new people into the group. At one point, she got so pissed with someone who tried to get her to talk to a newbie (who complained that she felt left-out in the group), that my female owner said outright that she is anti-social and don’t like to talk to new people. Ah, better not press her buttons or she might just quit on you.

fussfree

We turtles survived 6 days of being left on our own. *pat own backs* Shows how fussfree and independent we can be eh.

Actually, what happened was that my female owner’s mother made arrangements for different people to pop over on different days to feed us and give us clean water. So sweet of her. Hence, like my female owner, we were left to our own devices, enjoyed our alone time tremendously and erm, the experience didn’t turn out to be too bad after all.

metime

After a whole weekend of being with people , all my female owner wants now is a huge dose of Metime.

Friday, after work, she went out with a couple of church friends to the Gold Coast for seafood dinner. As the night was still young, they went impromptuly to Max Brenner for desserts and to Coolangatta (which turned out to be in New South Wales – another state!) to star gaze. She ended up pulling a 20-hr day as a result.

Saturday started early for her as she was the co-organiser of the church group’s steamboat dinner. The team had to squeeze with the last minute crowd to get their dinner stuff. And of course, after a hard day’s work, what better way to reward yourself but a chill-out session with a smaller group of friends (which ended late too).

Sunday started relatively early. She had to do some errands at home and before she could complete them, she left for church. She made the fatal mistake of saying she would be going for dinner. Fatal because.. well, it is a long story and in the end, dinner was so exhausting for her. She almost wanted to just throw in the towel to say she was going home. Of course, she didn’t.

Now you know what she needs some Metime. She says it’s the big crash after the high. Alas, it doesn’t seem as if she would be able to get much Metime until next weekend. With work, thesis, flute, social commitments and more work, I think my female owner’s face is turning blue with pressure.

complete

My female owner had her first “working week” in a long time (since her last job). As per previously announced schedule. Quite quickly, she felt her energy level depleting towards the end of the day and all those effects associated with working. My female owner described it as a familiar old feeling. Back to that part of her life where weeks flew by her because of work routine and her happiest times/ memories were drawn from her night activities and weekend appointments.

Yet, my female owner knows that this is the last opportunity for her to develop her craft as a student and she doesn’t want to complete her responsibilities just to “get it over and done with”. The process is as important for her as the outcome. 4 Jun, she says. When she will complete her final placement.

traditional

Since 2007, my female owner never really celebrated Chinese New Year the traditional way.

2007 – She was sent off to USA for some conference by her ex-office. Something which she resisted and objected to, but nonetheless, had no power to reject. She ended up travelling from Maryland to Washington DC on CNY, saw snow falling for the first time in her life, and erm, cried over the phone as she spoke to her then-boyfriend (who did not offer much comfort coz he was greatly unhappy that she extended her trip at Maryland to explore other states).

2008 – She had to go to Brisbane a few days before CNY because university started earlier that year and to settle essential things like housing, banking and other registrations. Her mother was with her and they ended up having a reunion dinner with her host and aunt’s friends.

2009 – She made the conscious effort to extend her stay in Singapore (during her summer break) so that she could celebrate CNY with her relatives. Alas, her mother told her last minute that they were not celebrating/ visiting anyone (for unstated reasons). Hence my female owner, I believe, ended up in Chinatown with Librarian Fren on CNY’s eve, soaking up the festive mood and to her surprise, managed to get most of her Impromptu Frens to come together for badminton during CNY (doesn’t anyone celebrate CNY nowadays?)

2010 – Probably the most “cut-off” CNY for my female owner coz her family is in three different countries at the moment. My female owner ended up having a CNY dinner with her church frens – steamboat and home-made yu sheng! Towards the end of the party, the owner of the house (i.e. the person who was renting the house) asked her “later you are staying around for a while right?” Ah, she caught the underlying invitation to stay back for drinks (my female owner hasn’t figured out why he identified her as a drinking mate coz they never drank together before) and of course she did. Yyou know how much she enjoys drinking with nice company. Five of them, chilling out to piano music, spontaneous topics, trying out differ concoctions over a bar counter (my female owner says her friend really had the air of a bartender) and best of all, my female owner didn’t get tipsy. 5 drinks, a comfortable limit.

Cheers to more good times ahead!

isolated

Okies, I’m sorry for taking so long to write another entry. I had just been shellshocked coz we turtles were really left behind (you know, alone and neglected) since Thursday! In a way, we are in the same boat as my female owner and her brother – being in an empty house over Chinese New Year. Such a strange feeling for us turtles, especially since we are so used to people in the house. We are somewhat like our female owner (yes! We turtles blame her for all our deficiencies) – anti-social, responding only to familiar people and at the same time, not being able to live isolated from social interactions.

Hence, we turtles cant wait for her parents to be back. Fresh water, human interactions and FOOD beckons!

guard

Is anxiety a sign of lack of faith and trust in God?

My female owner found her mind filled with “what-ifs”, “if this… then that”, hypothetical scenarios even as she was at prayer meeting last night. She says that her thoughts were racing, one after another, untamed and seemingly out of control. To the point that she found it hard to settle down and focus.

Bible says in Phi 4:6-7
“Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God, and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.”

My female owner has been toying with the image of “guard”. Common images would be a big dog guarding a property or security personnel standing in front of an important property (e.g. embassy or sensitive building). The aim? Obviously to protect valuable assets from harm or danger and to prevent intruders. You won’t be wasting resources protecting say the community park or a run-down property.

Taken together, my female owner reckons that the verse is saying that God sees her heart and mind as something worth protecting against harm and intruders. And the way to do it, is not to put up the defences herself (as what she would normally do), but to use prayer, supplication and thanksgiving to allow the peace of God to provide that security. Once again, not by her own strength, but through Jesus’ redemptive work on the cross.

bus

Think of transport in Brisbane and many people would groan at how lousy the transport system is. Unreliable, infrequent services, much better off driving most would say. My female owner, however, is quite impressed with some aspects of the bus system in Brisbane (note, bus only).

Firstly, they have dedicated lanes for buses. It is not like in Singapore, where bus lanes are sometimes invaded by other vehicles. These dedicate bus lanes are built just for buses and they run across the highways too.

Also, the infrastructure of major bus stops and many buses adhere to the principles of universal design. Hence, they cater to a wider range of patrons – the visually-impaired, hearing-impaired and people with mobility issues all benefit from different features installed to make travelling easily, creating a more inclusive society. Even the needs of parents with prams/ passengers with luggage are addressed, with ramps and fold-up chairs on buses which create the needed extra space.

Many bus-stops (not the major ones) also have electronic updates of estimated time of arrivals of buses. My female owner thought this was impressive simply because in Singapore, only busy stops get such electronic updates (no discrimination in other words).

In addition, with the exception of a few weirdos, the service provided by the bus captains has been professional and excellence. They wait for you to board the bus (and don’t drive off just as you are reaching the bus), greet you with smiles and pleasantries, drive safely and try their best to help you.

Of course, there are some things which my female owner thinks can be improved. Say, bus schedules can be better planned. Sometimes, the scheduled bus doesn’t turn up at all, leading to unnecessary stress. And the infrequent running of buses (especially over the weekends and school holidays) takes a toll on her travelling plans. But overall, she thinks that the bus system in Brisbane is commendable (although she would still prefer to have a car).

space

My female owner is reportedly in her anti-social mode these days. And this time round, she’s quite selective about what she means by anti-social:she is still happy to go for activities such as drinking and fishing in big groups (around ten people) and dinner with people (usually about 2-3 people).

On the flip side, she hasn’t been going for dinner with her church friends after service coz she got frightened off by her one and only dinner two weeks ago where 15 people had to squeeze around a table. Her bible study group also had an influx of new people, some she already knew from her previous group, so that’s ok, and some, from random places. Because she is trying to cope with other changes in her life, my female owner is not ready to mix around with strangers/ acquaintances. Seems to take a lot out of her, making conversations and connections. Her usual justification: she does so much of it at work, she just wanna have relaxing social interactions with familiar people.

Anyway, she reckons that she will snap out of this pretty soon. She just needs her space for the time being.

top

One thing my female owner says about her ex boyfriend is that despite his simple dress sense (think grey top and blue jeans), he has a good eye for female clothes that look good.

Before they got together, my female owner once asked him to accompany her on a shopping attempt to replace a black (sexy) top that she had borrowed from an acquaintance but had accidentally damaged while ironing it. After multiple try-ons along the Orchard Road stretch, they settled on this replacement top which her acquaintance later said was nicer than the damaged top.

Another time (this was after they got together), they were out on a random date when he saw this professional-looking top which he insisted that she buys. It was more than $50 and normally, she would not buy tops in that price range. But he was insistent and so she did (yah, she paid for it herself).

Until now, many years later, she is still getting compliments whenever she wears the top. Just today, she received some more, the best of which was, “you look younger! Like early 20s”. Wah, how can that be?

So yah, some credit to him for a good eye for clothes.

schedule

After two weeks of ding-donging (a fave civil service term), my female owner finally sorted out her schedule for the first half of the year. It’s probably going to look something like this:

Monday: Full-day placement
Tuesday: Morning – work; afternoon – research meeting
Wednesday: Free day – for paperwork, thesis writing, reading etc
Thursday: Morning – work; afternoon – flute lesson
Friday: Full-day placement

Weekends!

My female owner was also toying with the idea of doing tutoring on Wednesdays, for extra money. She hasn’t quite decided if she want to push her limits, coz technically, she has to set aside time to write her thesis and do up a big organisational project (that amounts to 200hrs or 25 days or 1.5 day/ week till the end of her 17-week placement), along with her fixed commitments.

Hmmm…. Methinks she will be stretching herself too thinly (as usual). But my female owner’s argument is that she probably won’t be needing to work every week, so she might not be as taxed as it looks.

Anyway, my female owner, in her rare moment of inspiration and passion, did up a timeline for her thesis and aims to submit the completed work by early to mid September. One month ahead of the deadline that most people would seek an extension for anyway. She says that she needs to make sure that she can graduate by December…. And get her doctorate while she is still in her 20s. Haha..

developing

My female owner has a big bias, an intellectual bias. She enjoys interacting or engaging in intellectual exchanges with people who are smarter, more perceptive or philosophical than her. She doesn’t like arguing for arguments’ sake (you know, just to win the war of words). Rather, she values debating over ideas, concepts and opinions in order to broaden one’s perspective. Because she is underexposed to different philosophies, my female owner thinks this is one of the best (and fastest) ways to learn and open up her often narrow mindset – learning from people smarter than her. Such exchanges tend to encourage her to live better, shed negative mindsets and aim for greater things. Here’s a recent example.

Best Fern and my female owner, being in the helping profession, share similar values despite their different upbringing. One day, Best Fern was telling her about his plans to develop himself further in the helping profession. My female owner was struck by his passion and desire to continually hone his skills and knowledge (coz he is already very effective in his work). She couldn’t help but comment “wah, you are really into developing yourself professionally!”

Best Fern (note: smarter and wiser) retorted: “Of course! Who else would develop me if I don’t?”

Ah, a lesson learnt through that short exchange. Developing and upgrading yourself, is really, at the end of the day, something that only you yourself can undertake. If self-improvement is a priority, you need to have a mindset change, look for opportunities and creative ways to work around your constraints and other practical considerations. Otherwise, just be contented to stay where you are, and quit complaining about going nowhere.

So there, my female owner learnt the concept of personal accountability and ownership.

"scholarship"

My female owner did her budgeting on Sunday night and realised that she had only $3000 to sustain her till end of March (before her term deposit ends). This $3000 includes paying for her rent, daily expenses, visa and other related fees.

Moving forward into the year, she figured that she needs to get a job. Her RA job is over (she still owes her supervisor 220hours). Tutoring is a good option, as always. However, the thought of tutoring is quite depressing actually, in light of all the nasty assignments she has to mark. But being her, she didn’t really know where to start looking for a job. She can’t really practice yet, given her probationary status (someone has to supervise her) and didn’t mind being a receptionist at a psychology clinic. So she prayed (and hoped) for a job somehow, though she couldn’t figure out how besides looking at noticeboards and stuff.

Then yesterday, she met her supervisor for the first time this year. The first thing he asked her was why she gave up the offer by the hospital. Hmm… Anyway, then later on, he offered a proposal to her – to take up a “scholarship” by the private hospital he works in (he had earlier negotiated the terms with the management and said he would do all the paperwork), and work for him running group therapy and doing administrative work!

What an awesome arrangement for my female owner. A scholarship means that her earnings would be tax-free. More than that, she would be gaining clinical experience in a private hospital, even though she is not fully-registered (and there is a chance that she can transfer some of those hours over to her new placement if hours are hard to come by). That makes it easier for her to get full-time employment in future. What’s more, the extra work she has to do would be related to her thesis. Sounds like a good plan. My female owner hasn’t worked out the details with her supervisor yet but she is believing in faith that she would get a fair deal.

She is still astonished at the different ways God used to provide for her yet again. Except for tutoring where she needs to apply online, the rest of the provisions just came looking for her. Amazing!

BROOKE FRASER - SOON (HILLSONG UNITED 2009)

The melody caught my female owner's attention the first time she heard it. Next, the lyrics.

Enjoy.

fend

Lazy day in the Balcony. Wondering what’s happening to the world around us. It’s Chinese New Year next week and yet again, not very celebratory. In fact, my female owner’s parents would be away! Erm, yes, that means we would be home alone. For five or six days? Hmm… food? Water? Rumours have it that her brother has agreed to come around on the 3rd day to feed us. Yes, 3rd day. Better than nothing.

So, if you are feeling miserable about the upcoming Chinese New Year, take heart that at least you are not left alone at home (like us) to fend for ourselves. What if Dodo turns upside down again? And Nanook goes sulky in the corner? And Dona starts to get edgy? Who do I turn to?

My handsome brothers, Dona here, and Dodo below.

duets

My female owner woke up with a vengeance today. She was determined not to let her emo-ness get the better of her. After all, if God is for her, who can be against her, right?

She did an extra-long quiet time, struggled her way through three songs (new chords and all that) and read an obscure book in the bible.

Then, she went off for her first flute lesson in 2 years! Some readers are familiar with her horror stories with her former flute teacher who, although was a nice man, was the typical eccentric musician where you never know if it would be a good day.

This teacher was markedly different. He came from a sound theoretical base, infusing theory into practice, tying in science with art. He was able to do what she always wanted her flute teacher to do – identify her flaws and show her ways of improving. Even with the first note she blew, he could pick out the issues. It was certainly the most fruitful flute lesson she ever had. Rather than just learning to play the notes, she was given clear directions on how to improve her techniques.

The funny thing he pointed out was that her right hand was slower than her left hand in pressing the buttons. It was strange, considering that she is right-handed. My female owner reckons the greater dexterity in her left hand was due to her guitar playing since chords are formed with the left hand. Hmm… so natural weakness can be trained to become better. Good news for her.

Alas, he didn’t come cheap. My female owner really needs a job, if she hopes to continue learning under him. Actually, she’s not sure why she is investing so much time, money and effort into flute. She’s just drawn towards it (hopefully she will find a guy who can play the guitar or piano well, so that they can do duets together!).

His doing

“This is from Me,” the Saviour said,
As bending low He kissed my brow,
“For One who loves you thus has led.
Just rest in Me, be patient now,
Your Father knows you have need of this,
Though, why perhaps you cannot see –
Grieve not for things you’ve seemed to miss.
The thing I send is best for thee.”

Then, looking through my eyes, I plead,
“Dear Lord, forgive, I did not know,
It will not be hard since You do tread,
Each path before me here below.”
And for my good this thing must be,
His grace sufficient for each test.
So still I’ll sing, “Whatever be
God’s way for me is always best.”

Laura A. Barter Snow