losing

My female owner had her biggest emo episode yesterday, no thanks to her supervisor who dropped the bombshell on her that he has not been able to find any markers for her thesis (at this late stage) and who questioned her ability to complete her thesis by 30 Aug 10. Not funny. My female owner didn’t know how to respond to these that she simply stared at him in shock. The nightmares of eccentric supervisors are happening to her. Had she worked so hard, all in vain? Every decision she made was in view of her plan to submit her thesis by 30 Aug 10 with ready markers.

She felt down and moody henceforth. She then met up with Mr S who, as usual, could tell that she was losing “it” and perhaps out of compassion, bought her coffee and cake and offered his listening ear. She tried her best to be good company for the rest of the night (after all they were meeting up after a long time) but the issues weighed heavily on her mind and heart. For the first time ever, she really wanted a beer for dinner. And she apparently had an hallucination which freaked her out (she saw two trains on the sushi line the whole time during dinner but Mr S said there was only one).

She went home and found Sayang missing. Another straw that threatened to break her back. Her friend, who had earlier popped by to feed her dinner, had told my female owner about the fierce cat neighbour who scared Sayang, and my female owner was convinced that Sayang had gone into hiding for the night. Her housemates and Emo Sponge were around and my female owner had brief conversations with them.

Going into her bedroom, my female owner started crying. She didn’t know what she was feeling. Was it anger? Or disappointment? Or hopelessness? Sitting through her tears, talking to Onli Fren and Emo Sponge (powers of technology), my female owner finally realised that while her chief complaint is tiredness, at her very core, she felt scared.

Some people call it fear.

notice

My female owner just submitted her Notice of Submission, i.e. she is officially notifying the school of her intended submission date of her thesis. Having stated 30 Aug 2010 as her deadline, she is now regretting her lack of foresight in not giving herself some buffer time and declaring such a bold deadline (For those who don’t know, her thesis is actually due in Oct).

So she is in her final month of school and she is starting to feel the heat. The heat of getting her thesis written up and the heat of knowing that she has little plans beyond August. The high-achieving side of her which screams that she should be doing more with her time and the fun-loving side of her wanting to enjoy life even while writing her thesis. These days, she gets cranky easily and her friends suffer the brunt of her unintended sarcasm and snappiness. That’s why during such times, she rather be alone, so that she doesn’t step on anybody’s toes or ruffle any feathers. But ah, she is often surrounded by people, friends who bless her richly with their support, practical help and undying patience.

Still, she is cranky. She felt it within her today as she went out with her friends for dinner. She caught herself with great determination and reminded herself not to say or do anything that she would regret later. My female owner was not sure if she succeeded but she did her best to stay on safe topics.

4 more weeks.

Sayang

And so, another animal turned up mysteriously at my female owner's house. And this time, its a super endearing, manja furball cat, whose antics melt my female owner's heart right away. Manja the Cat hang around the house the whole day that my female owner had no choice but to feed her some milk (coz that meant that Manja the Cat didn't have anything to eat the whole day too). My female owner and her friends reckoned that she is a domesticated cat that got lost somehow. They were not sure too, if she was able to hunt for her own food. Anyway, in my female owner's words "she is home now".

Sayang posing for my female owner

she perched herself outside the kitchen the whole day sleeping... my female owner woke her up to take photos.

her patience was rewarded...

and she's full of energy again

when

Something my female owner adapted from another blog.

When she starts cursing at you trying to act all tough
Kiss her and tell her you love her

When she’s quiet
Ask her what’s wrong

When she ignores you
Give her your attention

When she pulls away
Pull her back

When you see her at her worst
Tell her she’s beautiful

When you see her crying
Just hold her and say nothing

When you see her walking
Sneak up and hug her from behind

When she’s scared
Protect her

When she steals your favourite hoodie
Let her keep it and sleep with it for a night

When she teases you
Tease her back and make her laugh

When she doesn’t answer for a long time
Reassure her that everything is okay

When she says she loves you
She really does more than you can understand

When she grabs at your hands
Hold hers and play with her fingers

When she bumps into you
Bump into her and make her laugh

When she tells you a secret
Keep it safe and untold

When she looks at you
Don’t look away until she does

When she says it’s over
She still wants you to be hers

usual

My female owner had another emo moment today as she grappled with her insecurities, self-doubts and fears about the usual things concerning her thesis (will she get it passed by Nov?), her future (to stay or not to stay), her finances (will she be able to get a casual job in Sept, and eventually a professional job?).

Strange but true, my female owner was just surfing her usual news websites when she suddenly found herself on seek.com looking at available jobs in Brisbane. She apparently clicked on some advertisement about furthering your studies in psychology and somehow landed there within a few more clicks. Is that a sign that she better buck up? Even stranger is that the private hospital where she is supposed to be running group therapy is looking for a psychologist (needs to be fully registered though).

She just did some financial check on her bank accounts and realised that her money is running out. Probably can last her for about 6-9 months. This increased her sense of urgency (and poverty) and fantasises of her taking a long road trip vanished quickly. In the first place, she don’t think she can find anyone to travel with and she doesn’t want to do it alone.

And Theseus is giving her problems, no thanks to her supervisor who keeps changing his mind and has been slacking for a few weeks. She ends up writing and revising but not really progressing ahead.

Emo.

guys

My female owner doesn’t like OZ guys very much. She had a few bad experiences with local guys, in terms of their attitudes and values, that she thinks they make lousy partners. My female owner still prefers Asian guys. Top of her list – guys from Hongkong. This started last year, when she was having a random conversation with a 30+ Singaporean guy who asked her about what she was looking for a in a guy. He then recommended Hongkong guys (among the major Asian countries) coz they make good husbands.

My female owner was amused by his recommendation but at that time, she didn’t really know many Hongkong guys well enough to be convinced. One year later, my female owner agrees with his observation. Although she doesn’t know any HK “husbands”, the HK guys in her circle of friends have proven themselves to be reliable, sensitive and of sound character. These include Emo Sponge and Mr S, and two other guys who are in her church group.

Her girl friends think that Malaysian guys are the best. My female owner is half-skeptical coz these girl friends are, erm, from Malaysia. But so far, she has had good experiences with Malaysian guys too. Just not too close to any in particular. But she rather not, coz what if Malaysia and Singapore go to war?

pet

Yah, I was bored of orange, so I changed the skin of my Turtle Pad. It’s just a work in progress, so please don’t pick on the hastily-done design. My female owner promised that she would help me do up my Turtle Pad when she is done with her thesis. So this will do for the time being.

Anyway, did you know that you can keep turtles in Aussie? My female owner figured it out today when her friend took a photo of a turtle in a pet shop and sent it to her. Then, I know this is true, her heart became “itchy” and she wanted to get a(n) (ang-moh) turtle to sayang and call her own.

Everything by Tim Hughes

fitness

And so, this is the eve of my female owner’s return to the “real” world. She has about one more month before she has to submit her thesis. There are bits and pieces of her work in different states of being, awaiting further correction. There is a new group starting on Tuesday and even though she has clearly stated that she is not intending to attend any sessions if she is not running any segment, my female owner knows that she is obliged to turn up for a few.

Moving ahead in these final weeks, struggling to get out of her sleepy slumber (with the long arms of subconscious anxieties pulling her back down), my female owner has decided that the focus for the rest of winter would be encapsulated into Fs

i) Mental fitness – to complete her thesis
ii) Physical fitness – jogging and minimal snacking (healthy on the hips and pocket)
iii) Spiritual fitness – time to grow more in God

hiatus

My female owner took an unplanned hiatus from Theseus , starting Thursday. Don’t worry, she plans to return to him tomorrow. It all started when she submitted her Main Introduction to her supervisor on Thursday and then, she realised that she had nothing more to do, until he reverted to her on Study 2, 3 and the Introduction. I mean, she can’t write the General Discussion if the studies are not confirmed right? So like a wandering spirit, my female owner had to look for other things to do. This were some of the randoms she got up to:

Thursday: Cooked dinner for friends plus Masterchef (second last episode)
Friday: Lunch with friend at a restaurant she never been to, afternoon of DVDs, church at night
Saturday: Early morning drive (2am) to Tweed Heads to wait for sunrise (really so ENG hoh), Taiwanese brekkie, Property inspection with friends in the arvo, Seafood dinner with other friends at night
Sunday: Church, KFC dinner with friends (see Thursday) and final episode of Masterchef

Intersperse these four days with heaps of food, snacks, chocolates, DVDs in free pockets of time, NO exercise, LOTSA sleep. My female owner knew that any of her high achieving friends would have packed more meaningful and goal-oriented activities if they had a hiatus like her. But really, my female owner ain’t feeling as if she is up to any achievement-driven endeavours. She did feel quite bad about being slothy, gluttony and nua but reckons all would be back to full swing starting tomorrow when she has to meet her professor and her supervisor who would most likely get her to butcher her write-ups.

graduation

My female owner attended her first convocation of her friends today. She had never been able to make it for previous ceremonies. It was a heart-warming experience, as she soaked up the celebrative and joyous occasion. Behind every happy graduand’s smile lies the untold stories of undying support and faithof much-treasured family and friends. The pride of these supporters shone radiantly on their faces as they pose for photos with the graduands.

the round bonnet - remember my female owner likes round things?

Finally, graduation becomes a reality for my female owner. Seeing her Therapist Fren don on her magnificent gown and cutesy (probably not the right word to use here, since its supposed to be grand and scholarly) bonnet was a good reminder for my female owner that she is getting there. Much closer to the finishing line than ever before. She just gotta keep going and soon, she can say that she has arrived.

what is a graduation without props?

Defying Gravity Glee Lyrics

A song that Special Fren shared with my female owner, to encourage her through this season of her life

birthday!

Has it been a week since I last wrote? I was away, celebrating my sister and my birthday! We turned 8 on 14 Jul 10. Time flies, even when you are a turtle. Dodo and Dona gave us birthday kisses and hugs and did a birthday dance for us. Such lovely brothers. My female owner also sent her birthday greetings all the way from Downunder and made an announcement on Facebook. Posted up a photo of us too. Not the same without her. But life goes on, and hey, I’m proud to say that we turtles are growing to be like her – independent and free-spirited!

routine

After about two weeks of dedicated work, my female owner has more or less settled into a routine with Theseus. Not actually the most exciting thing in her life, but at least, she is no longer as angsty and distressed over him. She has set up a "home office" kind of thing. She wakes up, starts working on him at about 10am. She normally starts by doing a day time-table and goal-setting. Keeps up a steady pace until about mid-arvo where she decides if she wanna go jogging. Her decision is based on many factors like the weather, her sense of achievement for the day and finally her motivation level. At night, she takes a breather by watching Masterchef on her lousy TV where reception goes bad religiously at the same time as Masterchef. The great mysteries of life.

Her social life is integrated into her work routine, and she makes it a point to do a few hours of work a day, no matter what. If not, weekend is pay-back time. While she has isolated herself much of the time, God had been taking care of her in the sense that her friends have been more proactive in asking about her state of being. Some of them have kinda become her personal cheerleader, waving her on, showering her with heaps of encouragement and understanding, and providing practical aid such as cooking meals and even resort to pulling her away from Theseus at strategic times.

Ah, wondering if she is beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel?

balance

My female owner reported having a more balanced weekend. It took me a while to get updates from her coz she has developed an obsession with Theseus. So hard to pull her away from him these days. I seriously think that for her, Theseus is the short form of “these days, its just us”.

Anyway, her happening weekend started with Mr Nice Guy coming over to cook Singapore Chilli Crab for her. They went to the market to choose the crab together. Awesome flavour, she said. My personal take? I’m not too big on crabs, coz they have shells, like us turtles. Plus, at 1.6kg, so near Nanook’s weight, too close for comfort.

The chopped up crustacean

double double boil and trouble

fire burn and cauldron bubble ... sort of
just like the original, apparently

At night, she pulled herself out for a birthday dinner. Not very close to this person but she thought she better start building closer ties with people, rather than brood in her these-days-its-just-us cave. Her baker housemate, made the yummy cake you see below.

After dinner, my female owner actually skipped drinks (she quitted?!) and trotted off to a friend’s house for a sleepover. They had plans to hang out together on Sunday by going to church and having lunch together. My female owner made it home by mid-arvo and took a rare Sunday nap. Having said that, it shocked her to wake up to find the sky in darkness. Sun sets really early in Brisbane winter.

Her chillaxing weekend continued with her favourite Masterchef at night and because at 2200 she made a crazy goal of reaching 10000 words in her General Introduction (she was at 9046 then), my female owner then stayed up till 0230 to satisfy her machosistic tendencies.

sleep

It’s the time of the night again, when my female owner wonders if she will be able to sleep properly. She changed her sleeping pattern somewhat last night. She decided not to set an alarm for waking up this morning, so that she could reduce the pressure of having to sleep soon enough in order to sleep at least 7 hours. That could have worked, coz she fell asleep in no time. The only trouble was that she ended up sleeping till about 10am. But she celebrated the fact that sleep came easy and undisturbed for once. In her words, better to sleep more and sweetly, than to sleep just nice and poorly.

My female owner says too that suddenly, her friends had been rallying around her. Second Onli Fren called her out of the blue from Singapore, coz she noticed that my female owner had been absent from MSN for a while. And has still been calling her. Special Fren sensed that she was feeling stressed one night and encouraged her not to lose heart and think positively. Then Emo Sponge, who had been missing from her life for a number of weeks now, messaged her randomly to ask how she was coping and affirmed her fighting spirit. He also pointed out everyone goes through bad seasons and this just happens to be my female owner’s time. Mr S also did his part in dispensing sleep hygiene tips and reminded her not to work on Theseus just before bedtime. And out of the blue, Therapist Fren also sent an email to cheer her on in her journey with Theseus, offering her listening ear in dire times.

My female owner was so touched at these gestures of love and encouragement that erm, she actually teared twice on two different days. She felt so undeserving of this outpouring of support. After all, she hadn’t exactly been the best company in recent weeks.

alone

My female owner had been feeling alone in her battle with Theseus. Alone coz she doesn’t openly share her distress with people (after all, it is only a thesis and there are bigger issues, like poverty and natural disasters, in the world to deal with) and may honestly share a little when people ask her how she is coping (otherwise, it’s the polite “yup, its tough but I will get there” response). And because she is socially withdrawing from people, it increases her aloneness. She spends her time in her room (closed door), frantically reading and typing away. She doesn’t come out to chat with her housemates (hasn’t seen them properly for days). She avoids big social gatherings. Her choice of social interactions has been narrowed down to uni friends (coz she feels they can understand her pain without her saying too much) or one-on-one appointments with selected church mates (who ask to meet her). She hides on MSN. She hasn’t been able to sleep properly, either being unable to fall asleep, or when she does, wake up several times in the night. And she has been so frustrated with this that she has considered taking sleeping pills. Alas, she is not one for medication. She has conflicting thoughts and feelings about her situation and most definitely, she is upset with herself for being upset about something as simple and straightforward as writing a thesis. Ah, another one of her "I SHOULDN"T be feeling this way" traps.

Adele - Make You Feel My Love - Lyrics

balance

My female owner had been striking a reasonable balance between Theseus and personal time-out over the week (in her opinion – considering that she completed a paper and watched two movies, all episodes of Masterchef, had dinner with Mr S three times, coffee twice, jogging once, shopping once, lunch with uni friends once). As usual, she felt that she could have done more, but nonetheless, a good start for a cerebrally intense July. Unlike last weekend, she declared this weekend as Getaway WITH Theseus. She intends to work really hard (and efficiently) on her General Introduction and aims to write about 10000 words (how many blog entries is that?). Already, she had made progress in the right direction by firstly, coming up with the skeletal framework of the introduction (and discussion) and secondly, transferring all her existing references to Endnotes (whatever that is, too high-level for a domestic turtle to interpret). Now all she has to do is to keep writing, reading and thinking. Her goal for today is 1500 words and she has 491 words already. Sounds like progress.

platonic

Ever since Mr S and my female owner cleared the air about their status on Tuesday, my female owner felt a sense of liberation about their relationship. It is as if they can now freely interact with each other without second-guessing intentions and motivations, without any strings attached and instead, enjoy a true platonic friendship. They must have felt even more comfortable now, coz they had no qualms about meeting impromptuly for a late-night movie last night – meeting three days in a row! Once again, he would drive about 45mins to get to her house and send her home in the exact opposite direction of his house (think north and south) from their favourite cinema but that is his prerogative, with no ulterior motives on his part.

My female owner says that knowing him had been good for her (she is not sure if the feeling is mutual but he has also acknowledged that he values the friendship). Amidst all her friends in Brisbane, he is one of the few who could relate to her emotionally and psychologically with ease and confidence. He also availed himself when she was emo and directly labelled her feelings when she could not bring herself to do so. It helps also that he is older than her coz it’s like a breath of fresh air, being able to tap into his years of experience and wisdom, instead of putting up with erm…. I shall not go on lest I offend anyone.

race

My female owner aims to complete Paper 3 today. Her supervisor is going away for two weeks this Saturday and she hopes to submit something to him before he leaves. Never mind that he might not have the time to read the paper before he leaves (he is apparently still sitting on Paper 2). It is just one of the time pressures she created for herself in order to get moving on Theseus.

She finally realised or accepted that working on Theseus is really a solo expedition. A journey she has to undertake, endure and complete by herself. While she has many friends cheering her on the sidelines (and she is very grateful for their tireless support), they are in no position to assist with the technicalities and the difficulties she might face. It’s an endurance race to the finish. A race she claims as her own. And she has every intention to finish a winner.

triggered

My female owner had an emo day, being triggered by past memories. She met Mr S for coffee in uni and he asked her the inevitable “you look unhappy today, what’s wrong?”

She struggled, but eventually got some old stuff off her chest. Took a long time. Not that he was able to do anything but just sit with her until she was ready to move on. Then he kindly offered to meet her afterward for dinner, because she didn’t want to go home and interact with too many people (there was going to be a jogging group tonight).

For this, she is grateful.

express

My female owner had the most interesting conversation with Mr S tonight. Quite unexpected actually. They went out for a movie and then he suggested going for a hot drink. They ended up somewhere in Milton which was the Little Paris of Brisbane.

Anyway, the conversation started casual. And then it turned deep quite quickly when he asked about certain incidents that happened on Saturday (the day they went hiking) and later commented that my female owner had been “too nice” and he felt uncomfortable about how she was constantly giving in to him. Finally, he grinned and said he needed to ask her a question. The question was about whether she thought there was anything more to the friendship. My female owner said she thought of them as friends. Happily, he also cleared the air and established that they are only friends.

The conversation then geared back towards my female owner’s personality – her indecisiveness, her difficulty in communicating emotionally (or being guarded, even unintentionally) and her tendency to accommodate others etc. it is hard to capture the exact flow of the discussion but the essence was the same perennial issues that her closer psychologically minded friends had previously raised to her on many occasions. My female owner couldn’t believe that her past (or rather buried present) had come back to haunt her.

Mr S was extremely patient and reassuring during the conversation (counsellor mode?), and while it was difficult for her to express herself properly/ adequately, my female owner found the face-to-face context refreshing and therapeutic, coz it brought her out of her comfort zone and made her confront many issues (in vivo) which she had been avoiding or given less thought about.

So much food for thought. I wonder what my female owner would do next.

GATW

My female owner had her inaugural Get Away from Theseus Weekend last weekend. It probably started on Friday arvo when she went to watch a movie cum dinner with Mr S. And ended off Friday with a trip to the dessert store with some of her church friends.

Then on Saturday, Mr S and her went to Mount Warning (in New South Wales – so she went interstate!), a World Heritage rainforest park for some steep mountain climbing. Was the most challenging she ever done with any of her hiking buddies. But extremely rewarding she said, for the paranomic views on the mountain top. She would have remained on the top for hours if she could. It helped tremendously that Mr S was well-organised and took care of safety aspects of this climb, making it more pleasant for my female owner (think protective gloves to counter huge metal chains).

They then made impromptu stops along the way home (2hrs drive) for coffee and dinner. My female owner also witnessed her first partial lunar eclipse and was thrilled by the phenomenon.

Sunday started off leisurely. My female owner read her book (Eat, Pray, Love). Then she went out with one of her housemates for an impromptu shopping spree at their favourite outdoor shop (Kathmandu) and their favourite coffee joint (Campos Coffee). Despite taking their own sweet time, they made it to church in good time. After service, they went home for a dinner of leftovers (which they were happy about coz they had so much food in the fridge). My female owner’s perfect day ended with an episode of Masterchef and more reading.

Her verdict was that she should schedule in more GATWs to keep her motivation level up. I agree too!

housewife

My female owner says that she has become a full-time housewife with effective from yesterday.

Firstly, she successfully terminated flute with no drama. Congratulations on that. Everyone at her dinner party was happy and gleeful for her. So this means no more obligation to practice flute when she doesn’t feel like it and spending half a day travelling to and fro for lessons. And of course, saving about $43 each week (note to her: to redo budgeting again!)

Secondly, a bonus, there is no group therapy for the next four weeks. She cannot thank God enough for this, especially since her supervisor would be away for four sessions and my female owner is expected to take those sessions.

No more group therapy on Tues and Thurs. No more flute on Thurs. That means, no commitments for the next four weeks. So my female owner, can, in theory, stay home 5 days a week and be a full-time housewife. In theory, that is. (another note to her: to establish another routine so that she can complete Theseus asap)

match-making

My female owner meant to spend at least three hours with Theseus today but she ended up doing other things for other people.

She spent 4.5hours formatting 200 powerpoint slides for her technologically-challenged-old-enough-to-be-her-father research supervisor. 2 hours grocery shopping for tomorrow’s house dinner. 30mins to help mum with her conference abstract. 1 hour to practice flute. 1.5 hours to watch Masterchef. 1 hour to chat with friends, emails , FB etc, okay, make that two hours. Hmmm… and the day is gone!

Poor Theseus. Very neglected and unhappy. And my female owner has massive R&R plans for the weekend, starting tomorrow.

Thurs: Toowong, Final flute lesson (by hook or by crook), House dinner (apparently to celebrate her stopping flute lessons - obviously assuming that she would be assertive enough!)
Fri: Maybe movies with Mr S (I think I should call him Mr S from now on, Fated Guy sounds so misleading)
Sat: If weather permits, bush walking with Mr S
Sun: Lunch at Campos Coffee with housemate, church

Okay, I think she needs to start prioritising Theseus come next Monday. You must understand that it’s not love at first sight for them, but rather, an awkward match-making attempt by the above-mentioned supervisor.

jabez

Many of you know that my female owner’s name means “bad omen”. She spent some moments in her life wondering how she ended up with such a horrible name. Anyway, she learnt recently about a character in the bible – Jabez. His name was mentioned only three times in the bible but the prayer he made is a famous one.

And Jabez called on the God of Israel saying, “oh, that You would bless me indeed, and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would be with me, and that You would keep me from evil, that I may not cause pain!” So God granted him what he requested. 1 Chro 4:10 (NKJV)

The interesting thing about Jabez is that his name means “he will cause pain” and in this prayer, he prayed against the meaning of his name and was subsequently blessed by God. That is what my female owner going to do.

exhausting

My female owner had been largely anti-social recently, being bogged down with Theseus and given the fact that most of her friends are working or unemployed. Hence, they are really “free” to chillax the whole weekend. However, after starting on her “love letter” to Theseus, she managed to pull herself out for a jog with five of her friends yesterday. She couldn’t really get into the rhythm of running as she normally would but celebrated the fact that she actually went for it.

After jogging, the group of friends ended up at her house for an impromptu home-cooked dinner. Normally her friends would have eaten out. Her housemates and her just pulled together whatever ingredients they had. The guys did their part to buy chicken, wine and rent a DVD – Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. An interesting quasi-artsy film.

Late night, more of her friends gathered together to watch World Cup (since Australia was playing). However, my female owner chose to skip that (in the past she would have joined) and went to bed. Theseus, she says, is exhausting.

愛是不保留 (An Unreserved Love)

Fated Guy introduced my female owner to Chinese/ Cantonese Christian songs and this is one of the songs she liked. She managed to get an English version of the song. Enjoy.

perk

My female owner finally spent a good day with Theseus yesterday. After getting rid of her RA work and folio write-up, she could focus solely on Theseus. It was a slow process, but nonetheless significant, coz this probably going to be her new routine for the next two months. And she might as well start getting used to it now. There were a few perks in her otherwise cerebral day – being able to catch up with Onli Fren, having I-Fren pop over for an impromptu visit (and walk), talking to Fated Guy via email throughout the day, having her housemate cook dessert, practicing flute, having a super funnie FB pooing session with two gal-frens, not needing to cook (since she had leftovers and lifegroup at night). She had a jio to go to Bribie Island today, she struggled between wanting to go, and knowing its best not to go. And, she ended up not going. So, it’s a new day with Theseus for her today. Hopefully she gets some perks today (already there are plans for running at 4pm.. hmm.. dunno if that is a perk or a stressor).

terminating

Today, my female owner did something she normally would struggle to do and hence, not do – tell her flute teacher that she wants to stop flute. She had told Fated Guy about her struggle in this area of terminating relationships and he had firmly pointed out the absurdness of her thoughts, that she did not need to feel bad or guilty about stopping class, that she had the ultimate power to decide and if she is not happy in the process of learning, then it defeats the purpose.

Then he proposed that she do it asap and offered to buy her dinner if she does it today during flute. His point was that if she was going to do it eventually, why not now? Why procrastinate?

My female owner wasn’t motivated by the dinner per se, but she knew this was something she had to do. Hence, she decided to tell her flute teacher at the end of class. With a heavy heart, she attended class and her flute teacher could tell that something was wrong. However, my female owner kept mum, coz she had only psyched herself to tell him at the end of class (classic procrastination). Class ended (finally) and the next student and his mother came in before she could broach the issue! Ordinarily, my female owner would have given up and left without saying a word. However, she knew she could not face herself or Fated Guy if she left passively and dinner would have been meaningless. Hence, she just spoke up from where she was and informed him of her decision, to which he said “I know you are busy, let’s talk about it next week”.

My female owner left in a shaky state, upset. However, Fated Guy was elated on hearing that she did it. He kept grinning and congratulating my female owner. My female owner couldn’t make sense her success until she calmed down. She then realised that firstly, she had done what she said she would, despite the fact that the situation was turned unexpectedly awkward and unconducive. Secondly, it didn’t really matter how she did it, coz the focus was on her standing up for herself and thirdly, really, there is no right way of doing something like that. A behavioural experiment done well. My female owner knew she could have never done it if Fated Guy had not been supporting her through her internal conflicts.

On his part, Fated Guy kept his promise and cooked a yummy Hongkong-style dinner for her housemates and her (talk about immediate reward!). They also did a little role play about what might happen next week when she attends class and my female owner was promised another yummy dish if she sticks to her decision. My female owner reckons she would stick to her guns next week, but knowing that “someone is watching” helped her muster up enough courage to speak out.

vulnerable

My female owner has been preoccupied with two things recently. One – Theseus. Given that it is already mid-June and she is not progressing with him in terms of her goals for this month, my female owner is rightfully panicking.

Second – Fated Guy. All along she had thought of their friendship as well, fated. Coz they seem to get along well, despite the short length of time, share similar interests and have similar personalities and predispositions. My female owner says that she feels as if time flies whenever they are together coz they don’t run out of things to say and they laugh easily over trivial things. However, recently, he had been doing a few things that might be beyond what a normal friend would do. Perhaps, what a very good guy friend would do, and maybe that’s what it’s all about.

Therapist Fren has the most details about what he has been doing and gets entertained teasing my female owner about it. However, at the end of the day, she tells my female owner to be open about possibilities. My female owner has been rejecting all these possibilities.

Whether or not Fated Guy is interested in her, my female owner cannot deny that they are getting closer, psychologically and emotionally, based on the nature of things they share with each other. With each revelation, my female owner feels more and more vulnerable, more and more exposed. While they are just friends, she sometimes gets the feeling that their interaction is similar to romantic partners. And she is reacting internally “if this is what entering into a romantic relationship is about – being open and vulnerable, then maybe I don’t want it”

So the distress and apprehension she feels is really about the realisation that she has an ambivalent-anxious attachment style, that when people get too close to her, she starts to put up defences so that they cannot come nearer in. She knows that deep down, she doesn’t want to risk being hurt, whether by friends or romance (hence, she had been so selective and guarded). And for Fated Guy, he would be returning to his home country in two months’ time and my female owner knows she would be upset when he leaves, just as she had been when her Jogging Kaki went home. So, the closer they are now, the more hurt she would be later.

peek

My female owner has been so occupied recently that it had been difficult to get her. I took a peek into her diary and this was what she had been up to.

Last Friday
Stayed at home to redo her paper 1 for publication; life group at night; late night soccer (world cup, apparently)

Saturday
Stayed home in the day to do RA work; mid-arvo went out to plant a birthday surprise for I-Fren. Her friends and her were unsure if they would be able to nab him but decided to take the risk anyway. It was a worthwhile experience coz they caught him unaware (and so did he, he turned up when they were decorating his car!). Ended up having dinner together (finally!!) and taking a casual photo-taking walk along Brisbane River, with hilarious results. Late night, she had some friends over for coffee.

Sunday
Began the day with RA work (never ending). Went to church and at night, stayed over at friends’ place at Toowong, because she was going hiking the next day and Mr Nice Guy was going to pick her up at 0600hr.

Monday
Day began so early, lack of sleep. Mr Nice Guy and her went Mt Barney for a “moderate to steep” hike. Attentive to details, he brought along a hot water flask to make hot drinks at the destination and even came prepared with a portable stove/ steamer to heat up his homemade tim sum for lunch. Yumz. My female owner came home and crashed for a couple of hours, before doing some non-thesis work at night.

Tuesday
The day started out very bad, with murphy’s law reappearing at any possible instance (she was going to Toowong for group therapy). She tolerated the distress until mid-day, after which she had a lunch appointment with Fated Guy. They were supposed to go Sunnybank to have lunch but because my female owner had a hard day, he suggested going somewhere quiet to chill (*touched*) and they ended up at Mt Cootha. Then they adjourned to Campos Coffee in the Valley (best coffee in Brisbane) and finally back to Sunnybank to get some groceries (coz that was the whole point of the appointment – he wanted to get groceries from Sunnybank). In the evening, she met up with a stranger for dinner at the stranger’s house. They were connected through her previous supervisor who wanted my female owner to help this person with some queries about Singapore. Then my female owner went home, chatted with Therapist Fren for 1.5hours and started on her RA work after midnight.

Wednesday
Today. Her plan is to complete all her outstanding bits and pieces. Theseus had been sorely neglected and my female owner is feeling tense about it.

space

Hmm… my female owner went out alone with Fated Guy today. Tis strange, how things unfolded she said.

It was meant to be just a dinner, which extended to tea, movie, dinner, dessert and telly at her house. He ended up leaving after midnight. My female owner’s friends have been teasing her about him and wondering (very) aloud if anything else is happening between them. My female owner’s answer has always been a firm no. And today, after being in close proximity for more than 9hr, my female owner knows there is nothing more than friendship between them. She sums up the relationship as "functional".

But yes, he was once again very gentlemanly (this trait always melts my female owner’s heart) and thoughtful. Giving her space to choose what she wants and insisting that she expresses what she wants, encouraging her to try new things, killing a cockroach even (dunno why insects and bugs always appear whenever they are together and he’s like the bug terminator) and other typical gentlemanly gestures. There was an emotive situation that arose which my female owner thought he handled well and in the process, reflected his thoughtfulness.

My female owner says for now, he is another rare counter-evidence for her previous mantra “all guys are bad”

happen

So the flavour of the month is “believe in yourself”

My female owner’s research supervisor told her that today, that he wants to increase her sense of self-efficacy and reminded her not to be overly critical as she starts to run therapy with him. Seems like he is more forgiving and trusting of her abilities than herself!

Her clinical supervisor who heaped lots of praise onto her during their final externship review, saying that she had to increase her self-confidence. This mirrored her previous clinical supervisor’s words too, who told her to trust what she knows and to recognise her strengths.

Then, I-Fren, with whom she started a very random conversation today coz her friend just named her new baby withhehe same name. His messages over the past two years had been consistent, persevering and instinctive. My female owner had, with the same vigour, consistently, persistently and instinctively pushed him away psychologically. I think he decided to just “wait and see”.

Special Fren did his counselling spin on my female owner too. More sporadic than I-Fren but still nicely timed (they seemed to take turns actually). Until finally, he kinda indicated that he had done all he could, the rest is up to my female owner. He also pointed out the contradiction that my female owner needed a lot of affirmation but at the same time, rejected them all.

And Fated Guy who actually only entered her life two months ago but seemed to hit the nail on the head quickly with her issues. Passed her a movie which removed the scales from her eyes.

Topping it off, Therapist Fren who had the misfortune of putting up with her endless whines and self-doubting statements, and providing those assurances that soothed her anxiety (or maybe just reduce the intensity).

It’s time for my female owner to believe in herself, to take an active part in her life and make things happen. No longer saying, “let’s see what happens and I will deal with it when it comes” but “this is what I want, because I know I can achieve it and I deserve to have it, and I am going to make it happen”

*breathe*

Takes a lot of energy to type that out! Hopefully, she starts to live a more convicted and intentional life, to learn to ride the currents but not just float along. Time to move on!

love

Onli Fren started her own blog!! My female owner (and I) paid homage to the blog. Set in rosy pink, the first entry was “I still believe in love”. How apt. So nicely written, I feel ashamed of my amateurish writing! (mental note to self: to brush up on my writing)

Anyway, my female owner is at the age and stage where she may not find “true love” and get married and have kids. At this stage of her life, she is pretty happy to be left on her own – mobile, commitment-free, flexibility. However, she is really not sure if she will feel that same way in 25 years time, when most of her peers are married and have their own family, and she is single… and erm.. physically less mobile.

My female owner’s life did not turn out the way she imagined it to be when she was a child, or the way she planned it to be after she graduated. Maybe that’s why she is hesitant to plan. Where would planning lead to, if there are so many external variables beyond her control?

My female owner had been thinking about her ex from time to time. One thing she hasn’t really let go of is, I mean, was, the time when he looked at her and said that he thought she had a mental illness. My female owner told this to Special Fren recently, and his response was “he’s crazy”. Special Fren might not have realised it, but those words brought comfort to my female owner. The feeling of being supported now, even though the incident happened so many years ago and she felt defenceless and vulnerable then.

Nonetheless, like Onli Fren, my female owner still believe in love.

Orianthi - According to you (Official music video HQ)

According to you
I'm stupid,
I'm useless,
I can't do anything right.
According to you
I'm difficult,
Hard to please,
Forever changing my mind.
I'm a mess in a dress,
Can't show up on time,
Even if it would save my life.
According to you. According to you.

But according to him
I'm beautiful,
Incredible,
He can't get me out of his head.
According to him
I'm funny,
Irresistible,
Everything he ever wanted.
Everything is opposite,
I don't feel like stopping it,
So baby tell me what I got to lose.
He's into me for everything I'm not,
According to you.

According to you
I'm boring,
I'm moody,
You can't take me any place.
According to you
I suck at telling jokes cause I always give it away.
I'm the girl with the worst attention span;
You're the boy who puts up with it.
According to you. According to you.

But according to him
I'm beautiful,
Incredible,
He can't get me out of his head.
According to him
I'm funny,
Irresistible,
Everything he ever wanted.
Everything is opposite,
I don't feel like stopping it,
So baby tell me what I got to lose.
He's into me for everything I'm not,
According to you.

I need to feel appreciated,
Like I'm not hated. oh no
Why can't you see me through his eyes?
It's too bad you're making me dizz-ay

According to me
You're stupid,
You're useless,
You can't do anything right.
But according to him
I'm beautiful,
Incredible,
He can't get me out of his head.
According to him
I'm funny,
Irresistible,
Everything he ever wanted.
Everything is opposite,
I don't feel like stopping it,
Baby tell me what I got to lose.
He's into me for everything I'm not,
According to you. [you, you]
According to you. [you, you]

According to you
I'm stupid,
I'm useless,
I can't do anything right

believe

Seems like this is a season of contemplation and soul-searching for my female owner. She has been engaged in conversations with Special Fren regarding her psyche. I think Special Fren has come to a point where he has concluded that he has done all he can to bring my female owner to her senses. And now, it’s up to her to make the necessary changes (and stop wallowing in LSE).

My female owner was updating Special Fren about her truncated conversation with Fated Guy with regards to her dreams and future. Truncated, because she had no idea, so the conversation didn’t go far. Special Fren then pointed out “you just refuse to see it”

How true. My female owner has so much in front of her. She has mobility and flexibility in how she want to craft out the next decade of her life (and beyond) and yet, she says she has no future. How tragic.

Her restraints are largely due to uncertainties. What if I stay and something happens at home? But I don’t have money to settle down in Australia! I love the lifestyle here, but my family and peers are in Singapore. What if I can’t find a good job here?

Anyway, she generated some of her thoughts of what she might like to do. And Special Fren told her to stick to the plan, and to believe in her plan.

How apt. My female owner never really believed in her plans, coz I think, she never really believed that she could achieve more than the average Joe in the streets. This just reinforced what happened recently, when, after hearing her reflections on Pursuit of Happyness, Fated Guy modified a quote from the movies for her: "don't ever let somebody tell me I can't do something, not even myself!"

She really needs to start internalise esteem-boosting statements for herself.

just

Tomorrow, my female owner starts a “new lease of life”. She has no other mega commitments except “just thesis”. Telling people she has a “thesis to do” seems to trivialise the enormity of the task ahead.

“So it’s only a thesis for you”

“So just a thesis ah?”

“even though your thesis is big, at least you completed the rest of your coursework”

“you only need to work on your thesis?”

“so what do you have for the rest of the year? Thesis? Just that?”

Come on, it’s not “just”. The thesis is worth 16 credits, which makes 1/3 of her programme. 16 credits is like doing 8 average-sized modules. Her five placements were worth 12 credits altogether. About 40000-50000 words, that’s about eight to ten 5000-word essay.

Yah, just a thesis. Easier said than done.

living

My female owner always enjoyed talking to friends who are in the helping profession. Recently, she had been talking to Fated Guy and enjoys the fact that their conversations can range from random day-to-day events to quiet reflective existential questions about life.

Mental health-trained, he understands her professional issues and struggles fairly quickly and through his responses, broaden her perspective and understanding of her situation. Today, he shared with her how she could build confidence in her clinical skills (coz she said that her supervisors had told her that she had good clinical skills but she could not bring herself to believe them).

At times, he would ask her deep reflective questions that makes her stop and ponder and search deeper with herself. Today, he asked her “what is your dream?”, “what inspires you?”

My female owner struggled with those questions. The truth is, she is too afraid to dream. Then he asked “so you mean you had a dream, but you stopped dreaming? Or you are suppressing it?” She never realised it, but yes, she probably had a lost dream. Lost in the day-to-day struggles of life, lost in her own insecurities and ruminations, lost because she was blinded by the now.

Thinking a bit more, my female owner realised that she is actually living her overseas postgrad dream in the now. The tediousness of writing up a thesis had taken a toll on her, to the point that she had forgotten that this, the thesis writing, is part of her dream.

Becoz of this revelation, my female owner decided that she will start to enjoy living her dream more.

herself

Today, my female owner realised that she is the only one who puts herself down.

The seed was planted a few days ago when Special Fren commented that my female owner had a tendency not to acknowledge her strengths and be dismissive when people give affirmations.

Then today, Fated Guy finally remembered to pass her a copy of Pursuit of Happyness. My female owner thought it was just another movie but later on, he emailed her to take note of a particular scenario where the father said to the son, something along the line of “don’t let anyone make you believe you can’t do something, not even me!”

My female owner reckons this email was prompted by the conversation when my female owner tried to convince Therapist Fren and him that she is clumsy and has poor psychomotor skills. Both of them tried to dispute her claim and Therapist Fren finally said “it is hard to change her mind about herself”

Anyway, reading that my female owner wrote back to say that that was an uplifting statement, in the light of her present difficulties. Fated Guy asked how it was relevant and upon reflecting, she realised that the “anyone” in this case was herself. All this while, she had allowed herself to believe that she can’t do things or achieve things.

It was confronting to a certain extent, to realise how she had been slowly destroying herself, especially when no one in her recent history had ever cast doubt on her abilities. In fact, people had been more optimistic and confidant of her than herself. And yes, she dismissed those words of encouragement as people being polite or trying to be supportive. At the same time, she held fast, the negative criticisms of different individuals from her distant past. How lop-sided.

She shared this revelation to Special Fren (who probably understood her psyche the most) and he confirmed that she “is the only one who puts urself down”

And my female owner’s decision, “I want to let go of this”.

girly

My female owner had a highly hilarious day. She had lunch with her uni frens and was scheduled to have afternoon coffee with Fated Guy. Except that in-between her lunch and afternoon tea, Therapist Fren and another gal (who knew about the happenings) started to corner her about Fated Guy and their progress. My female owner was immensely amused by their cross-talk and vivid fantasies about Fated Guy and her. Like how my female owner was not taking the issue seriously and that there was a mental blockage (which was later clarified as “mental resistance”) on her part.

“talk nonsense” was the summary of my female owner’s response.

They started to ask if he showed signs of interest in her and my female owner said no.

“did he introduce his friends to you?” (no!.... “but you went camping with his housemates”)
“did you guys talk about your future?” (yes, but separate futures)

Knowing that they were not convinced, she then asked them to join her for coffee and certainly, it didn’t take much for them to agree. And the best part was, they didn’t want her to tell him they were coming along and instead, to spring a surprise on him. How girly!

Afternoon coffee went well. Much chatter and laughter. My female owner didn’t know if having her friends around caught him off-guarded (he did look shocked) or disrupted his plans but she felt that he interacted well with them (much better than she would have, if roles were reversed). Anyway, Fated Guy and Therapist Fren had been acquainted before in other settings.

Her other friend left quite fast but Therapist Fren stayed till the end to gather “intel” and of course, to amuse herself. Debriefing with Therapist Fren was equally funnie, as she started to build upon her earlier fantasies and broke into fits of giggles.

"you guys were obviously very comfortable with each other" (yah, but that's the same for any friends)
"you guys progressed so fast in such a short time to such personal issues" (progress doesn't mean anything more than friendship, besides, the things we talked about, he also asked you just now. duh)

Oh well, girly fun at her expense. Looks like her ploy didn't work.

winter

Winter started a few days ago.

My female owner had been a little blue recently but surprise surprise, she woke up with a cheer on the first day of winter. I think it helped that the weather looked promising – cool yet sunny, with clear skies and white clouds. So anyway, the end of autumn and the start of winter. Time to put her placement behind her (soon) and start exclusively on her thesis.

By the way, her supervisor told her that he is 90% confidant she will get her DCP, and this was based on one completed study and a first draft of the second paper. Supposed to be reassuring, but my female owner is still having doubts about her “dodgy thesis”, to the point where she said she wanted to write up three studies, even though her supervisor thought that two studies were sufficient. My female owner also started to ruminate about whether she can complete her thesis by 31 Aug, to which her supervisor said "you will".

Seriously... I reckon she has an anxiety problem.

bariatric

My female owner is in this mode of being: piaing work - the final lap of placement which involves doing up her folio. She has completed most part of it except the organisational project worth 200hrs of work. With little time left, it means doing intense literature review and write-up on bariatric surgery patients. Apparently the operation is for morbidly obese people to staple their stomachs so that they will eat less and lose excess weight. Hopefully she doesn’t try anything funny on Nanook or me.

With her regained focus on work, the unintended consequences are firstly, she has stopped exercising (so that she can conserve mental energy and not listen to her mind and body argue about whether to exercise) and secondly, she has starting on her junk food routine. That means…. potentially gaining weight (again).

It’s a cycle isn’t it? Sometimes she relishes jogging and is disciplined in her food intake, at other times, her healthy lifestyle just goes pear-shaped.

Oh yes, and she has reduced her social outings by choice, i.e. actually saying no to people, and not appearing too much on MSN. The few treats she retains – flute (she actually reported having withdrawal symptoms for not practicing for three days) and her nightly dose of Masterchef.

Theseus

And his name is Theseus.

The name of her thesis that is. My female owner has declared war, cold war, on Theseus since last week. She is still in the midst of regaining control.

In the same vein, she declared that she would be in an exclusive relationship with Theseus for the next three months. A “short but intense” relationship.

Hmmm… how confusing and inconsistent!

With no real deadline imposed by the school (usually in Oct actually), my female owner is finding hard to get her act together. She wants to complete the thesis as soon as possible. End Aug to be exact, so that there would be ample time for the markers to mark, for her to make changes etc and still be in time to graduate at the end of the year. This has important consequences on her other endeavours, which include national registration, application for permanent residence (she is NOT coming back to us???) and job application.

Oh well... Let me mope in my corner for a bit.

say

My female owner had been meeting up with Fated Guy at least once a week. These meetings most often than not take place in uni, if they both happen to be in uni at the same time. Hence, it is purely meals of convenience. Through these meals, she got to know him (and his psyche) better. I said before that at the first dinner they had, my female owner was struck by how similar their interests were. She soon found out he often said things that she herself would say. Some of these include (I’m sure her close friends would agree too)

“actually I am very shy” (when he goes around making friends with random people he meets at coffee shops)

“things could be worse, I mean, I could say that ‘even mozzies don’t like me’ ” (context: at camping, when my female owner commented that he was so lucky not to be bitten by mosquitoes)

“I was feeling emotional yesterday” (last lecture of his programme - same as how my female owner felt)

“I wanna go home!” (during the same period when my female owner had that exact tagline on MSN)

“I find it hard to approach people first, but if people make the first move, I am ok” (what can I say?)

Maybe there are a few more examples but I can’t recall them at this point in time. My female owner never really told him that he sounded like her but I find it disturbing to see a reflection of herself in someone else. One her is enough, I reckon.

boundaries

My female owner did a super random thing today. She called her brother to wish him a Happie Birthday. She must have shocked him out of his skin. The sound of shock was so audible, it probably could have cut my shell into two. And the more random thing she did – to give him her Twitter username.

Boundaries, boundaries! She needs to be mindful of them.

lighthouse

My female owner has been thinking a lot about her next steps lately. She still thinks that she will stay back in Australia for a while before returning to Singapore. While she is less enthusiastic about bible study, prayer meetings and sometimes Sunday sermons because of her current state of being (sianz and all that), my female owner still want to maintain her focus on God.

Today, she told God that she wants Him to be her Lighthouse. That whatever decisions she makes, it would be in the direction of the light that is emitting from the Lighthouse. Easier said than done, she knows, but everything starts with a decision and today, she has decided it will be God’s way.

war

My female owner has declared war on Thesis - a cold war that is. Wednesday is usually her “free” day where she gets uninterrupted time (in theory) to work on her thesis. However, for today, she scheduled in a brekkie with Therapist Fren and a lunch with Fated Guy in uni. She had some vague intention to “do some work” in uni in the afternoon before going home. What really happened was:

Brekkie with Therapist Fren
Lunch with Fated Guy
Tea with Therapist Fren and other Asians
City Market with Therapist Fren
Grocery shopping at Sunnybank
Flute at home
Dinner at home

Told you she is winning the cold war!

return

I mentioned before that my female owner had decided not to return to Singapore after she graduates. She told some people about her decision but then disappeared from MSN for a long time. Hence, no one could really contact her or discuss the decision with her. Anyway, one rare time over the weekend, my female owner made a cyber appearance as she wanted to talk to Special Fren about something.

Lo and behold, the conversation later steered towards my female owner’s options in Singapore, with her doctorate degree. Special Fren talked her through a possible route that was financially and professionally viable and attractive for my female owner. This was an option which he had previously broached to her on a number of occasions but my female owner had consistently rejected the suggestion for a variety of reasons.

For the first time ever, my female owner was deeply moved by his kind gesture and concern about her future. My female owner was greatly encouraged by the mere thought that someone, whom she greatly respect for his abilities, believes in her, wants her to return to contribute back to Singapore and is willing to work with her if she chooses to return.

fade

My female owner is still feeling blue! She can’t believe it. Is it called burnout? Her Onli Frens in Singapore and Brisbane had separately asked her today if she is ok. They also asked if anything happened. Not that she can identify any earth-shattering event. Maybe it was a slow fade. The sad thing my female owner realised is that, in such times, the people who reached out to her and supported her are everyone else but her church friends (except for Emo Sponge). It kinda screams out to her that despite all the times she spent with her church friends, at the end of the day, she feels more comfortable opening up to other friends, friends whom she has spent time one-on-one with, building an emotional and psychological intimacy. The nature of the church group setting makes it difficult for her to spend time with any one individual meaningfully. Hence, these non-church friends were the ones who could pick out her distress and subsequently, respond in comforting ways. Friends she probably should prioritise and spend more time with.

Celebrate World Turtle Day

Look! A day to celebrate us turtles!

Be kind to turtles! We are important to the world. Really.

Celebrate World Turtle Day The Humane Society of the United States

lost

My female owner says that she has lost interest in MSN. Hence, she hasn’t been visible for most part of the week. The only person who has managed to catch hold of her while she is invisible is Special Fren, who roughly knows when she is around. She attributes this loss of interest to her increased use of her Iphone. Oh wait, and the more important reason is that she wants to be distraction-free and be able to work on her thesis without multi-tasking. Hmmm… But there are still her Facebook and Whatapps, the main time-stealers.

My female owner also says that she has lost interest in social gatherings. Compared to the past, she has cut down on social events. Things like dinners on Sunday with her church friends, lunches with her uni friends, random social jios (e.g. playing pool and shopping) and even jogging appointments. There’s a part of her which is tired of interacting with people, a part of her which wants to be left alone and be more focused on her priorities and yet, a small but significant part of her which knows that she needs to be socially bonded, otherwise she would just waste away and become a recluse.

She has just become more picky (and pricky) these days, and trying to work out the balance. After all, this is her final lap and she needs to pull up her sock in order to finish as a winning champion and not a dying hero.

greek

My female owner had a strange night. Fated Guy asked her if she was free for dinner but she had made plans to check out the Greek Festival near the city. She invited him to join her friends and her, but not really expecting him to come since it was so random (I mean, she probably won’t agree to go if it was her). But he did join her in the end. In addition, she had another group of church friends who was at the Greek Festival and whom she really wanted to catch up with. However, the atmosphere was noisy, crowded and dark, making conversations difficult and people started to scatter. My female owner ended up spending most of her time with Fated Guy as she had invited him to come along and hence, felt responsible for him. Although she was happy to do that, she felt sorry that she was not being able to catch up with the other group of friends, and even for not being with the first group of friends.

Looks like you can’t really mix your friends together, not in such an open setting anyway. Despite this, my female owner said that she had great fun trying out different Greek foods and watching Greek dances. And the Greek beer came in handy too. A nice way to spend a Saturday night, she said.

crankiness

My female owner found out something new about herself. It’s nothing earth-shattering. She felt really grouchy and anti-social yesterday and couldn’t believe what was happening to her, especially since she is NOT hormonal now. She had a really bad day at placement, that’s for sure, with a marathon 2.5hr session with a weepy patient who kept going “yes-but” all the way. My female owner doesn’t want to talk about that patient now coz it still irks her whenever she thinks about it.

At night, she dragged herself to some church event (combining 5 bible study groups) so that was some big social exposure for her. Reaching there, she wanted to leave immediately. Simply put, she felt “off”. But she stayed because the reason she went was to support someone who was part of the organising team.

My female owner kept trying to trouble-shoot the emo-situation coz she couldn’t accept that she is dysthymic or depressive or have regressed to how she was in the past. Finally, she figured out that it was simply because she had not enough (and broken) sleep for the past two nights. Hence, she was functioning at half-tank and feeling the crankiness (and not the teariness that comes with being hormonal).

Such an easy explanation (hopefully!).

randomly

Has it ever happened to you before?

You are updating your status on FB and immediately, someone comments on your status. The timing is so close, you wonder if this comment is for the very newly updated status or the previously latest status. I hope I make sense.

Well, it happened to my female owner today and the friend who FB-ed her at the same time she randomly updated her status was surprise surprise, Fated Guy.

Such coincidence. But given the extensive amount of time she spends on FB, it is really no surprise that something like that would happen sooner or later.

special

My female owner still has the habit of giving her closer friends titles or names. And sometimes, an individual might end up with many many names. Seasonal, apparently.

Anyway, one of her ever constant friend is/was Functional Fren, who is currently named Special Fren. I need to note here that the feeling is not mutual, since he calls my female owner his BTW Fren (“I’m doing this thing for you because it’s by-the-way”).

You might remember that my female owner had a bimbo emo night in January when she went invisible because she was crying over something. Special Fren happened to send her a message and she replied and then he asked the all important question of “why are you on stealth?”

Recently, the both of them were online but not talking. It was quite late already and my female owner decided to go invisible for whatever reason. Less than a minute later, Special Fren sent a message saying something like “I think you are still online”

How accurate and scary was that! How did he know? That was his first time leaving such a message on her MSN and he hit jackpot. That’s why Special mah… Know her so well…

prawns

My female owner once had a conversation with her Jogging Kakis when she went camping with them, on a topic that once stirred the hearts of Singaporean men and women. The topic (*drum roll*) was whether guys should shell prawns for their partners and if they don’t, is it a sign of ungentlemanliness? Needless to say, the topic generated a fair amount of heated debate and controversy. And of course, my female owner had witnessed how some guys might shell prawns for only one girl, the girl of interest, making the atmosphere awkward for everyone.

Anyway, by fluke, my female owner succeeded in getting someone to shell a prawn for her. She was having Korean BBQ with 4 other people and there were 3 huge prawns on the BBQ. One guy said he didn’t want it, so did my female owner (coz she was too lazy to dirty her hands for one prawn). So that works out to be one per remaining person. However, someone else asked her if she wanted to share a prawn with him, coz he didn’t want the whole prawn (my female owner thinks he just didn’t want her to go without a crustacean). And she gleefully asked, “you peel ah?”

An impromptu trap, which he sportingly obliged. She actually felt bad immediately for putting him in a spot. Obviously he scored once more in the department of gentlemanliness (he’s already a high scorer). Highly recommended to single gals!

compartmentalise

My female owner had a surprise visit from a friend today. He’s Second Onli Fren’s ex/not-ex boyfriend. Anyway, that’s besides the point. This friend is an avid angler and wanted to pass (heaps of) stingray to my female owner. His generosity extended to essential ingredients such as limes and onions. Yumz. I can predict sambal stingray to be coming out of her kitchen pretty soon.

Anyway, they had a short catch-up session and he asked the inevitable – “so what have you been up to?” And my female owner gave an unexciting account of her current state of being. And his response was “so your life now is work, placement and school?”

Such a neat summary of her unexciting, compartmentalised life.

intellectual

My female owner engaged fully in her catastrophising exercise today. This is how the story goes. She completed (again) the first study of her thesis (with the purpose of publication) and submitted it to her supervisor for comments. Her supervisor then forwarded the paper to another academic staff (a young but high-flying associate professor) to see if he wanted to be part of the authorship. This was possible because this high-flyer and her supervisor were co-sharers of the research grant.

And at last minute’s notice, my female owner found herself in a meeting with these two brainy people, one a clinical psychologist and the other a social psychologist. Experts in their own fields and right, each tried to assert his (valid) intellectual spin on the paper. My female owner got lost (and possible shot) in the cross-fire. You know, the saying “you don’t even know how you died”? Yah, that was how she felt. She couldn’t quite understand the essence of their bone of contention over choice of statistical analyses.

Bit by bit, she felt herself being more and more vulnerable. She felt that her bimbo-ness was going to be exposed sooner or later. Especially when high-flying professor said he wanted to meet her another time to go through the data more thoroughly. My female owner didn’t think she would be able to handle that level of intellectual scrutiny and debate. And of course, she has to rewrite the paper again.

Hence her catastrophising.

flippant

Did I tell you that my female owner decided that she would not be returning to Singapore after graduation? She confirmed her decision while she was jogging by herself one day recently. It was like an epiphany of sorts. Don’t ask me of what sorts. It sounds flippant to me coz she decided just like that! (Yes, we turtles ain’t happy about it. We, the gals, have a defective schema of abandonment, no thanks to our first owner. Anyway, that’s history.).

She’s probably still clueless about the specifics of her life but the general gist is that she doesn’t want to work in Singapore if working is going to be like how it was like for her. So that means exploring other options.

accounts

My female owner has problems asking for help. She rather suffer in silence than to ask for help. Could be pride, could be fear of rejection, could be a reluctance to impose on others. Could be all three mixed into one. She has gotten slightly better over the past year. At least now she feels more comfortable asking for lifts from people.

You may not believe this, but when my female owner was thinking of what programme to pursue in university, she did think of reading accountancy. She was quite a mathematical in her younger days, taking up normal maths and further maths, and enjoying the subjects. She loved numbers and certainty in her work. So anyway, her self-limiting thoughts came into play and she felt that she was “not good enough” to get in. So she didn’t apply for it.

Fast forward to 10 years later, the present now. My female owner struggles with keeping a proper balance sheet of expenses and income. For a few months now, she could not balance the figures and would end up with negative spending. Every month, she tries, but hits the brick wall each time. Perplexed, she shared this with Emo Sponge who is a high-flying accountant/ auditor/ assistant financial controller? and is also aware of her reluctance to receive help from people.

After suggesting some possible errors which were promptly shot down by my female owner, he finally said “u need a pro accountant to find out”. My female owner (refer to previous post) replied with “haha I NEED?”

ES: “Yup u need! Not want”
FO: “Okay u win. I NEED help”
ES: “Yay!! U finally conceded. Ok la.. help u out”

And help he did. At 2330hr on a Friday night when people’s brains are usually in a shut-down or party mode, he rectified her accounts and solved the mystery of her negative spending.

Wasn’t too bad to admit that she needs help.. and to receive it, right?

need... want...

My female owner recently got into a thought-provoking discussion with her housemates and Emo Sponge during a house dinner, over a conversation she had with her ex.

Ex: “Sometimes, I feel that you don’t need me, coz you can do everything yourself”
FO: “You are right, I don’t need you. But I want you. That’s why I chose to be with you.”

My female owner wanted to pick Emo Sponge’s brain on how a male would typically react to something that goes along that line of “I don’t need you but I want you”. My female owner, in all honesty, meant it to be a compliment. But she later figured that it was probably quite ego-bruising for a guy to be told point-blank that he is not needed. Needless to say, that sharing stimulated a lot of laughter and spins-off of “I don’t need XXX but I want XXX”.

stubborn

I-Fren recently commented that my female owner is stubborn. My female owner disagreed with his comment coz she saw herself as being wishy-washy nature, indecisive and passive. It didn’t help that I-Fren refused to elaborate on his comment.

Anyway, did I tell you that she had an emo night last Thursday? She felt as she was at breaking point and almost started wallowing in self-pity but managed to catch herself in time (by the way, my female owner finally worked it out that it's defintely hormonal). Nonetheless, she wrote something in Mandarin on Facebook and because of that, Emo Sponge came along, asked some questions and started chatting with her on Iphone.

Inevitably, he started to zoom in on an issue that I-Fren had previously raised. My female owner told Emo Sponge quite quickly not to waste his breath on her, coz other people had spoken to her about the same issue and it would be unlikely that he would reap a different result from the rest.

And Emo Sponge finally said – stubborn. Maybe they are right after all?

Elanda Point

My female owner just came back from her 4th camping trip of her recent life. This time, she went to Elanda Point at Sunshine Coast with Fated Guy and his landlord (plus family – wife and two daughters aged 10 and 13). Not surprising, she found the experience different and refreshing.

Random photos of their pets: Elvis, the Bird of Paradise and Dizmo, young-at-heart dog (I think my female owner misses us!)

A little information of their camping site
My female owner thought this was cute

For one, camping with an almost local family (they are New Zealanders) gave her insight into the familial culture of a western family. The way the members interacted with one another, the space (psychological and emotional included) given to these kids to explore their world, the kinds of activities that the family did together, all helped her to understand why Aussies turn out so different from Asians.

A small perk was that she didn’t have to think about food or logistical preparation. The family was kind enough to feed her from coffee all the way to main meals and snacks. Fated Guy provided logistical support, as all she had was a sleeping bag and some clothes (which was not even enough). Like Doraemon, he pulled out stuff she needed, stuff like a 2-person tent for her sole use , a jacket (coz she was cold, as usual), a long-sleeve shirt for canoeing, torchlight, etc, and even his quilt to act as a camping mattress for her (she thought it was a real camping mattress and only found out that it was his quilt after sleeping on it for a night, how oblivious!).

This is 5-star camping! Two wings for sleeping, with a pantry set-up inside and a patio
In contrast, the humble Asian-style of camping

Activities were markedly different from her previous camping trips (no nice crystal-clear ocean or sun-tanning). Situated in a National Park and near a few lakes, the main activities were canoeing (or rowing, since they ended up with boats) and hiking. Good fun, she said. Except that she couldn’t really row properly and hence, must have stressed Fated Guy big time with her inaptness… and they actually capsized once. Entirely her fault she said, coz she was sitting at the back and hence, responsible for navigating the boat.

See how different from the sea a lake looks

Her Alice-in-Wonderland backyard, with mysteries lying beneath the woods

Enroute the hike
Some long-surviving artifact of the past

She also came very close to nature – a family of ducks (mama duck leading a pack of 9ducklings followed by papa duck quite far behind), kangaroos in her backyard, kookaburras, eagles, mynahs, guanas and yes, troops of mozzies that attacked her face relentlessly (my female owner was convinced that they were drawn to this "exotic" Asian meal).

Mama duck leading her ducklings for their morning exercise. They were scurrying through the grass. My female owner saw them swimming in the lake the day before. They woke up at 6am, just to see this

Happily, she saw her first shooting star on Saturday night. However, because it happened so fast and she was just turning her head when she saw it, my female owner started to doubt if it was real. And on Sunday night, FG and her spotted a shooting star together, confirming that she was not hallucinating the night before. Her best takeaway, she says, as she has been wanting to see a shooting star for years.