day

My female owner has been ruminating about whether she will get along with her housemates. There is always a possibility that things start off well but fizzle out soon after. Anyway, she spent the whole of Saturday with her housemates and found them to be really accommodating and peace-loving.

First, Male Housemate drove them to Rocklea Brisbane Market where the ladies could shop for cheap fresh produce for the week ahead. The three of them had a ball of time trying to teach each other Chinese/ English names of fruits and vegetables. For example, did you know that the Chinese name for bell peppers is simply 大辣椒? My female owner was expecting something classy, at least for capsicums. And if you wondering, how to differentiate the different colours, just put the name of the colour in front: 红/青/黄 大辣椒.

Then Male Housemate kept his promise to bring my female owner to set up a phone and internet line (Now, you need to know that for most part of her life, she had been surrounded by men who do not keep their promises or change their minds at the last minute. Hence, she was not sure if Male Housemate would remember what he said he would do). At their first meeting during the inspection, he had expressed a reluctance to get an internet connection as he did not require one. However, he was still willing to share in the monthly subscription. Male Housemate was a little peculiar in the sense that while he was put off by the set-up fee of $60 each for the phone and internet but he was okay with subscribing to a more expensive internet package ($50/ month for 50G as opposed to $40/ month for 25G) if my female owner wanted more G. In fact, he kept asking my female owner if 25G was sufficient for her (the working assumption is that his wife and him would not be using much).

Then they went for more grocery shopping at the shopping centre and Male Housemate happily wheeled the trolley around. Ah, gentlemanly. My female owner’s type of guy.

After sending them home, Male Housemate trotted off to school to do some work while Female Housemate went to sleep. My female owner read a book and cooked out of boredom. Female Housemate later woke up and attempted to bake a simple cake. And offered some to my female owner. Wahaha! Favour! They were in the living room to talking about cakes and such when Male Housemate came home.

Despite having a long day, he was still in a cheery mood and sat down with them to chit-chat. Another hour of fun chat and intellectual exchange where he asked my female owner about the history of Singapore (?!). My female owner actually managed to provide a fairly accurate account of Singapore’s history (or so she hopes).
In the past, my female owner hardly had the experience of sitting down to chat with her housemates, just for the sake of chatting. This was refreshing for her and certainly in line with how she wanted their relationship to pan out.

lip read

The first time my female owner learnt about lip-reading was in primary school when she was reading a Sweet Valley High book. In this particular story, a new girl joined the school and although she was fun and friendly, she seemed to ignore certain people. Shortly after, her new friends found out that reason why – she was deaf and needed to look at people in the face in order to read lip.

My female owner met her first lip-reader in church today. He is someone from her new bible study. It is amazing how he adapts to his disability. He can even hold a conversation while driving. And although he is a Caucasian, he taught himself Mandarin and Cantonese! How’s that for being an over-comer of physical difficulties?!

My female owner’s new house is very different from the apartment she lived in last year. While you can call the previous apartment a condominium, the current unit is like a three-room HDB flat. Small and compact. Ha! You can call it a downgrade. Rent remains the same at $150 though.

The living room. All the furniture was purchased by her housemates. Check out the mini-plant on the table. My female owner was captivated by these minute details. There is a veranda behind the blinds for sunning your laundry.

The almost self-sufficient kitchen. Nice environment to cook, because you can look out into the open as you prepare your food. While it is equipped for Chinese cooking, the kitchen does not having baking materials and the oven is dodgy.

The corridor that leads to the two rooms and the bathroon. The toilet is on the right. No prizes for guessing which is my female owner's room.

Even the bathroom is space-efficient. Squeezing in a shower, a sink, a washing machine, a dryer and a cupboard!

Ah, my female owner's room, as seen from the doorway. Being more spacious, it is probably the only upgrade from the previous apartment. The study table is behind the wardrobe.

The other perspective, from the windows. Check out some of the familiar items!
The "intellectual" area where my female owner intends to do her work.

carpentry

My female owner embarked on her maiden carpentry attempt a few days ago. Her goal, to build a respectable wardrobe that would not collapse upon loading. Determined not to impose on her housemates, she rejected the Chinese lady’s suggestion to wait for her hubby to return home that night to help her.

And so, she started.

The box that contains all she needs to build her wardrobe. 36kg worth of materials.

How her wardrobe is supposed to look like.

Nails and parts which made no sense to her at this point in time. Though small, they were nonetheless essential in holding up the wardrobe eventually.

The large materials. Darn heavy!

The finished product! After two hours of sweat and correcting minor errors.

My female owner thoroughly enjoyed the process of carpentry. To her, it was just like doing a jigsaw puzzle, except that it was three-dimentional. It was exciting knowing that the outcome would be something she likes. She also imagined Jesus (Who was a carpenter) doing His carpentry work. Slowly but surely, putting together random pieces of materials to build something useful.

And yes, no guys needed for this.

moved

My female owner finally moved into her new house yesterday, after one week of procrastination and denial. This is the story of her house-hunting melodrama. She was meant to search for a 2-room unit to share with one of her church friends. After a couple of days of fruitless search and other considerations, my female owner suggested splitting up to which her friend was agreeable.

True to her lazy and goal-oriented style, my female owner identified the grand total of ONE house to inspect. Not trusting herself to make a good decision, she dragged her Therapist Fren along to provide a second opinion.

The unit, situated near school, was being rented by a Chinese couple. They were looking for an Asian female post-graduate student who would be neat and quiet to take the other room. My female owner fitted the bill perfectly. She could tell that the couple was keen to take her in (among the others who turned up for the inspection).

The Chinese guy told her that he would contact her the next day to let her know his answer. Although the house was pleasant and the couple seemed nice, my female owner was hesitant about staying there. For one, she was plagued by the horror stories she heard about Chinese people not being clean (so sorry, I’m not trying to be racist here). At the same time, she was afraid that they might be too anal for her. And living with couples can be difficult in the event that a disagreement happens. You are automatically the sole minority! Also, her room did not come with a wardrobe and the house did not have internet connection. This meant that her set-up costs would be inflated. There was only one bathroom and one toilet, so that might mean a tight squeeze in the mornings. In addition, my female owner did not inspect other houses, so she might be able to find somewhere more suitable if she put in more effort.Etc etc…

Anyway, my female owner went to bed that night, telling God that if the house was offered to her, she would take it. Obviously, the Chinese guy called her to offer the house to her the next day. Although my female owner said yes, she remained hesitant and two-minds about it. She had thoughts of pulling out even as she moved her stuff in two days later…

Hence, the one week of procrastination before she moved in permanently. My female owner even began wishing that she was staying with church friends or familiar people so that things will be easier for her. However, she was also drawn to the unknown, the experience of learning to adapt to live with real strangers, which is the hallmark of overseas living. She was also attracted to the high possibility of improving her Mandarin and culinary skills. Having a guy in the house also meant that he would probably do all things technical/ electrical (ah, so much for her feminist “who-says-you-need-a-man?” streak). Also, through their actions, the couple did seem genuinely nice, accommodating and neat.

My female owner realised that a great deal of the conflict arose out of her own insecurities, and the lack of trust in God to make things right for her. Once again, she had the mindset of taking matters in her own hands and use her own efforts to gain their favour.

Trust God.

working group

Brisbane 2009 requires my female owner to adapt to new environments. One of the new things is her new bible study group. Some of you may know that she has opted to move to the working group, as opposed to staying with the student group she was in last year.

Student group was the first bible study group she attended regularly, in a space of seven years. Oh wait, she did attend her Onli Fren’s hubby’s group for a while when she was working.

Anyway, although she did not feel a great sense of loss last year during the farewell party, my female owner (call it delayed response) started to feel a sense of attachment towards the individuals in the Student group, when she returned to church on Sunday and saw them again.

And she started to doubt her decision to move to the Working group. Staying in the Student group would have been an easier option for her. Established friendships, common life-styles, and even, nearer meeting places for their weekly bible study! Moving to a new group causes my female owne to fret over uncertainties and instability.

With these issues brewing in her heart and mind, my female owner made her way to the Working group for the very first time, in a different suburb plagued by the notorious evening traffic jam.

It’s like starting all over again for her as she doesn’t know more than half of the people in the group. Making small talk. Finding out their backgrounds. Introducing herself. Making MORE small talk. Undoing previous experiences. Trying to adjust to new group dynamics and culture. Wondering why she made things difficult for herself. I can’t blame her for wishing she was with the Student group who were baking yummy muffins tonight.

Yet, despite her reservations and awkwardness, my female owner believes that she made the right decision. She can't say that she left the place feeling totally comfortable or at home, but she is willing to give herself time and space to adjust. After all, they are all fellow church friends.

Ikea

My female owner experienced a little piece of Singapore, when she went with a friend to explore Ikea, situated in a suburb far away from her location. Though the travelling time was long (about 1.5hrs), the journey itself was an enjoyable and eye-opening experience in which she saw other parts of Queensland. Different living conditions, different kinds of folks.

Pity she didn’t bring out her chio camera.

The yummy meatballs.

The familiar trendy décor. Fancy seeing the same things in you would in Singapore Ikea! Ah, that connection brought warm to an otherwise grieving international student.

Even the $1 hotdog was available!

Ah, and the logical person would ask, why did she go all the way to Ikea? To get furniture it seems.

By the end of the day, my female owner is the proud owner of a yet-to-be-delivered-and-waiting-for-her-to-assemble wardrobe. Believe me when I say that she vacillated between two options at the speed of a motorised pendulum. She really needs a decision-maker friend in her life. Too much deliberation, intolerance of uncertainty and lack of prioritising make her a poor and hesitant decision-maker.

And oh, my female owner is wondering if she will be able to set up the wardrobe all by herself. Her first attempt at carpentry. Everyone, cross your fingers and toes.

1 down

One week down and 40+ more to go before my female owner returns home. Ah, just about the same amount of time required for a foetus to come to full term. Also the same length of time for an aikido newbie to train and to go for his first belt (blue) grading. In the same train of thought, that was the same amount of time my female owner took, from picking up flute for the first time to sitting for her Grade 3 examination.

So many other random things one can accomplish in 40 weeks. What do you plan to accomplish? If you don’t know where you are going, then it doesn't matter where you are going.

My female owner hasn't really worked out her plans for this year. Yes, 12.5% of the year is gone and she has yet to sort out her thoughts. I'm sure she will eventually, before the year is out.

us

Before she left last week, she managed to get a turtle family photo. See how slim I look. Camera angles can be deceiving!

From bottom left in clockwise fashion: Dona, Nanook, Nooki, Dodo

This is how I really look. Ouh, so bloated right?

fruitful

My female owner had one of her better days in Brisbane today.

She had her day planned out in general terms.
Buy some groceries to bring to new house (more on that next time).
Go to new house to cook lunch (aka instant noodles).
Go to school to close her client files and meet the clinic manager.
Go back to new house to meet her housemate to discuss matters.
Reach back temporary lodging at about 2100hr.

The day turned out more fruitful than expected. She did get groceries and cook at her new house. She completed her client files and received the ok to pass her internship at 197 hours.

In addition, she
Caught up with a number of her coursemates who were in the computer lab.
Found out that she lost 1kg since last Friday!
Had a freshly cooked dinner delivered to her by her Therapist Fren (impromptu!)
Had an intimate talk-cum-laughing-session with her Therapist Fren.
Walked to her new house with her Therapist Fren
Spoke to her new housemate for two hours. Got to know him better (more on that next time).
Soothed her anxiety about her new place (again, will update in due time).
Improved her Mandarin. Learnt new words, even in writing.
Moved her things from her Therapist Fren’s house to her new house.
Got home at 2330hr, flat-out but happier than yesterday.

A fruitful day indeed.

brisbane 09

Like the prodigal son, my female owner went for church service today, the first time in about two months. She entered the service, humbled from the revelation she had last night and weary from one week of (mal)adjustment.

My female owner knew she was still upset about being in Brisbane, coz she teared while talking to a friend who was just asking her “so how, are you still upset (they last met on Friday) about coming back?” Was good that the friend was sitting quite a distance away, having her lunch, so she couldn’t see my female owner’s tears. Anyway, that was the kind of mood my female owner brought with her to church.

Service was held in a lecture theatre with no air-conditioning on. Despite that, my female owner was ready to bare her heart and soul to God. She knew she had to return to God. During the short praise and worship session, the word PASSIVE screamed out at her.

Passive in reaching out to God, passive in this relationship she has with God. Passive in seeking God, passive in saying and asking God for directions and answers to important questions in her life.

She also realised that after an exhausting year in 2008, she simply has no strength to fight as hard as she did last year. The road ahead contains the same kind of bumps as last year and some others, in the form of rigid systems, staff and politics. She has been questioning herself, why psychology? Why be so ambitious and pursue a doctorate? Why couldn’t she be contented with life in Singapore, and just stay employed as she was?

God asked her why she kept going to friends for help and advice and not to Him. Why didn’t she trust Him enough? Why did she take things upon herself and behave as if there is no God?

God dealt with her emotions too. He showed that it was ok to feel sad coz it was part of being human. What was not ok was that she forced herself to not to feel sad, thinking that Christians should not feel sad. What He wanted her to do instead is to bring her unhappinesses etc to Him and not hoard them in her heart.

Like flashes of lighting, God bombarded her, some from the Bible, some regarding her situation.

Rejoice always. In your circumstances. My joy will be your strength.

Not by might, nor by power, but by My Spirit, says the Lord of hosts. Who are you, O great mountain? Before Zerubbabel you shall become a plain!

I am the same yesterday, today and forever. What you once experienced as a youth, I can do much more than that. Don’t let your age deter you.

I am faithful. See what I have done for you in 2008? I am faithful.

Seek ye first the kingdom of God and all His righteousness, and all these will be added unto you.

Draw near to Me and I will draw near to you.

I can do exceedingly abundantly above all that you can ever think or dream of.

I know you, I made you. Come to me, don’t struggle on your own.

So many words of life, as my female owner waited on the Lord today.

Moving forward, my female owner asked God to show her what He had in store for her for Brisbane 2009. The guiding verse for 2008 was Proverbs 3:5-6. She wants a guiding verse for this year too.

As what Aussies will say, it’s time to stop mucking around with God.

passivity

My female owner is enjoying her stay at her temporary place, so much so that she is reluctant to move out. Housemate has been very warm and easy to talk to (despite the huge age-gap!). Everyday, they would laugh over silly things together. It seems as if their thinking styles are similar, thus the ease in connecting. My female owner had never been close to any of her housemates in the past, coz she never made the effort to get to know them better. Talk about passivity. This time round, Housemate had been the one approaching her to talk to her and as per her usual wait-for-others-to-make-the-first-move-before-i-become-friendly self, my female owner stayed passive but reciprocated her friendliness when she approached.

Yourself to Blame

If things go bad for you

And make you a bit ashamed

Often you will find out that

You have yourself to blame

Swiftly we ran to mischief

And then the bad luck came

Why do we fault others?

We have ourselves to blame

Whatever happens to us,

Here is what we say

"Had it not been for so-and-so

Things wouldn't have gone that way."

And if you are short of friends,

I'll tell you what to do

Make an examination,

You'll find the faults in you...

You are the captain of your ship,

So agree with the same

If you travel downward

You have yourself to blame

by Mayme White Miller

wake-up

After indulging in self-pity for five days, my female owner got a little waking-up call from her current housemate. For those who are wondering, she is currently bunking in with a church friend until she moves to a permanent place.

Her housemate, a young and chatty girl from China, always enters her room to talk to her about things that are on her heart. Last night was no exception. Housemate came back from bible study, all charged up and excited because of the sharings she heard from others in the group.

My female owner could see the hunger in her, to experience God in a real and personal way. That yearning and desire to be used by God in the greatest way possible, to bless others and to lead others to Him.

In the midst of her busyness, self-indulgence and fun-seeking in Singapore, my female owner had lost her focus. She was literally taking a spiritual holiday and not cherishing the time she had and the season she was in.

God brought to mind the prayer she made together with her Intuitive Fren at the front pouch of his relative’s house on the night she met up with him in Singapore. The prayer they made, to seek God fully and to never let go, until God shows His power to them. She was earnest in her prayer then and would have gone on to pray more if time and place permitted. But oh, how easy it was, for my female owner to be consumed by her fleshy desires and distracted by her own emotions, and to sweep that prayer to the back of her mind.

Coming back to Brisbane, my female owner did not make the effort to meet anyone from church, unless necessary. It was as if she was trying to avoid this part of her life. She is due to join a new bible study group, leaving behind people whom she is closer to. Because of social anxiety, unfamiliarity with half of the members and apathy, she did not announce her arrival to them. An email would suffice but she didn’t. So many things have changed since she left Brisbane and returned. It is just so easy to live in denial and mope around and then feel guilty about it.

The waking-up call was good. It is time to live in the present and not in the memories of the past.

心酸

My female owner is still upset about being back in Brisbane. She checked around and found out that being homesick is normal and common. My female owner finds that she is grappling with the same issue of procrastination, except that now, she is also homesick and 心酸 (literally heart sour) about leaving．

Eating is no longer a pleasure, just a functional human activity. Sleeping, no longer sweet and yummy, but a means of temporal escape to a land of fantasy. Yet, I must add, she ends up dreaming of people in Singapore! MSN? Cold comfort, in a land away from home.

At the same time, her schoolwork hounds her. Client files to close. Case study to rewrite. Supervision records to update and record. External placement runs into problems. God knows what else she missed out. Oh yes, courses to register for. Deadlines to meet so that she can transfer to another programme. Her RA work. Buried under her inefficiency.

Questions. Anxiety. Insecurities. Fantasies. Wondering if all this is worth it. And would she ever know the answer? And if she does, will it be too late? If too late, too late for what?

Ruminations. Fear. More fear.

Lost.

This is what homesickness does to you.

hunting

Although my female owner is stressed over finding a suitable place to stay in, she has calmed down enough (or resigned to her situation) to muse over the process.

Much as she wished that God will simply drop a house into her lap, the way He did last year, she is starting to see how this process is moulding her.

For one, it is taking her out of her comfort zone. A passive person by nature, my female owner is now being forced to actively pursue something which she needs. In addition, she cannot afford to procrastinate too much. Trust me when I say that she is taking her own sweet time. It’s an avoidant strategy, so if she can’t find a place, she can say that she didn’t try hard enough. Rather than pia all the way and then fail to get a place.

She is also forced to hone her decision-making skills and make decisions in light of various options and factors. With so many choices, it is getting hard for my female owner to decide.

My female owner likens finding a suitable place to choosing a life partner. No room is perfect, each with strengths and flaws. It is about deciding what you can live with or forgo. When you sign the lease, you give up the chance of staying in a better place should one come around later. By not committing to any, you leave your options open, but you may end up with poor quality houses later on as the better rooms are taken.

This may not apply to all room-hunters but for my female owner, she needs to take into consideration, her parents’ feelings. For a while, she was toying with the idea of sharing houses with guys coz the places which appealed to her were generally occupied by guys. But after talking through with her Onli Fren, my female owner may give up this option, coz her parents would have concerns about her safety.

Anyway, like what Onli Fren said, all guys are bad!

learnt

My female owner learnt a few random things today.

According to her faithful weighing scales located in the school’s pharmacy, she maintained her weight loss from her peak of 63.35kg in Brisbane (measured at the time when Potahto and her started this beer and wings championship, which by the way, they never got down to doing. It was either one or the other). However, she is still slightly heavier than just before she left for Singapore. About 350g heavier lah. But overall, she gained about 4kg since she first stepped into Brisbane.

She probably just had the best haircut in her life, with a number of people telling her that it looks nice/ makes her look younger etc. It even crossed cultures, with aussies singing praises of her haircut. Either that, or her last hairdo was a year-long disaster and so, the contrast was refreshing.

One can actually perspire in Brisbane. The weather is amazingly scotching and humid. She perspires more in Brisbane than in Singapore playing badminton.

Behavioural signs that she is not coping well with stress include her not replying to emails requiring her inputs and being on invisible mode on MSN. An even more serious sign is when she skip her binge-eating tendency and transit into a non-eating mode.

Though not a surprise, she can certainly do with more planning and less spontaneity in her life.

hit

My female owner says that the first night alone in Brisbane is always one of the hardest to cope with, coz that's when reality hits you and you realise that you are really alone. It happened to her last night. Laying on a sleeping bag without a pillow (she was still on a bed), in a foreign room that is not hers, the sinking feeling of being alone and on her own crashed into her being.

Overnight, she replaced her sense of security and connectivity to a network of support and established relationships with an unfamiliar surrounding and an unknown future waiting for her to explore and build.

Some random things which she know she will miss in Singapore (besides her usual activities):

Being able to nominate her parent(s) as a contact person in times of emergency. In Brisbane, there is no one close enough and she used to list some random friend.

Being able to open her fridge and choose anything she wants without restrictions.

Having access to cheap food, thus not having to think constantly about what to cook and working out a budget.

A sense of rootedness and stability.

My female owner finds these two days very difficult to cope with. House-hunting has been difficult. Houses are scarce and hunters are plentiful. She is living out of a suitcase, restricted in terms of clothes, stationary and other logistics as she is bunking in with someone till she finds somewhere permanent. Right now, she is really like one of us turtles, living with a shell. Wahaha.

Overwhelmed by uncertainty and anxiety, my female owner decided to give up house-hunting for a while and focus on other things. A short chat with her Onli Fren also brought her focus back to God. That calmed her down somewhat. Things will get better, definitely.

chio

My female owner bought another chio gadget recently, her Lenovo S10 netbook.

She bought it in anticipation that she would be travelling for long hours for her external placement and possibly staying at other people’s houses from time to time.

It was the first time she bought an electronic gadget without being accompanied by a tech-expert. She felt really proud of herself, for taking this step of independence, to decide on a tech item by herself. (Who says you need a man to help you with such things?!)

Given the rush she was in (coz she procrastinated on purchasing this big-ticket item until the day before she was flying off), the only things my female owner did were to check whether the wireless connection worked and to download Acrobat Reader. She also tried to install MSN messager to replace the Windows messager which was already in the netbook. Somehow it didn't work.

After reaching Brisbane, she realised that horrors of horrors! She forgot to install Word applications on her netbook. That means that she can’t really do any schoolwork on her chio netbook. She escaped this problem previously coz she passed her laptop to her friend who helped her to install all the necessary applications.

Maybe she needs a man (for such purposes) after all.

Anyway, she is trying to find a suitable name for her netbook. Any suggestions? Her netbook is white and chio... so she wants something more feminine and pure...

glum

My female owner had a grouchy and gloomy day, walking under the sweltering Brisbane sun in a bid to find a house. Apparently, she has a lot on her mind, with accommodations and daily living arrangements being a high priority. She also needs to complete her internship at her school asap. Plus her RA work, freelance work and other daily hassles, she was THE picture of glum.

Her Therapist Fren told her not to be so harsh on herself. After all, it was only her first day back in Brisbane. But you know my female owner, she gets overwhelmed easily, when things are uncertain and she is hard-pressed for time.

repeats

And so history repeats itself, in a way. Slightly more than a year ago, my female owner spent her last night in Singapore wondering what the future holds in a land she never visited before. Having survived one year and celebrated many successes along the way, my female owner is still feeling the same kind of apprehension, fear and insecurity as she did a year ago before she left.

It doesn’t comfort her to know that she has “been there, done that”, and that the second year is reputed to be much easier than the first. It doesn’t warm her heart, to know that much as she is leaving behind good friends in Singapore, there are friendships in Brisbane waiting for her to rekindle, invest and cause to blossom.

It makes her upset, knowing that she is probably unable to return to Singapore till the end of the year. One year away from her loved ones. Still the same her, depressive, reluctant and lost… wondering what she got herself into. Somehow, having said goodbye twice doesn’t make it any easier..

The emo side of her wants to quit and remain in Singapore, because her heart is here. The logical side of her (fortunately, this side is usually stronger in crucial times.. except in the department of BGRs) knows she has to move on with her life and to complete the journey that she has chosen to start.

again

My female owner did it again. She got drunk/ high/ tipsy hanging out with her Impromptu Frens. As usual, she made a spectacle of herself with her usual symptoms (as what Potahto puts it) – getting aggressive if her drink was taken away from her, leaning over at people for support, knocking out for a period of time and crying when conscious.

My female owner, in spite of her delirium last night, was upset during the time she was not herself. For the first time in a long time, all her Impromptu Frens (including a new addition who responses to impromptu jios, but level of commitment not tested out) turned up for an event and she didn’t maximise the precious limited time available.

Instead, she walked straight into temptation by devouring beer and red wine at the same time and playing number guessing games. And that meant that she couldn’t interact with her friends meaningfully or even say a proper farewell to them.

Although not the youngest in the group, my female owner is probably the youngest in terms of mental age and exposure to the “real world”. It makes her deeply embarrassed to recall how she has once again inconvenienced her friends; to the girls who had to escort her to the toilet many times and to her Clever Fren who inadvertently had to send her home since he was the only one who drove. To the new addition, who fortunately or unfortunately, was drinking with them for the first time and was (I’m sure this is unfortunate) sitting next to her. He thus had to deal with her nonsense and randomness like “can you zip up my bag?”. According to Potahto, his response, after some fumbling, was “there is no zip!”. Now, who is the sober one? There was a zip on the uncomplicated bag.

But at the same time, my female owner is warmed by their friendship, kindness and care. In their own ways, they have all made sacrifices during this period to catch up with her. For reasons like this, it makes leaving even more difficult!

two

Everyone of us turtles has been in denial of my female owner’s impeding departure. We are not coping well. Nanook is hiding in her corner, Dodo in his. Dona in his and hey, me too. So basically, all of us are just sulking in our corners. Refusing to admit that my female owner is going away for a long time, again.

My female owner, on her part, has been kept busy in her last week of Singapore. Once again, in her ex-boss’ words, she over-committed herself. The major culprit, her freelance interviewing job, which takes up all her free time at home. In case you are wondering why she is doing only that at home, that’s because the next culprit, comes a close second. That is, a last-ditch effort to meet up with her friends AND still spending enough time at home with her parents.

My female owner ended up sleeping late, waking up early and feeling stressed. At times, she even wonders what she got herself into as a result of her poor time management skills, inability to prioritise her tasks and lack of planning skills.

Today, she finally decided that it was time to check the details of her flight. And the only reason why she got down to doing it, was because her Impromptu Frens COMMITTED (wahaha, such a foreign concept!) themselves to seeing her off this time round (and indulging in yummy Popeye at the same time) and she didn’t want them to make a wasted trip.

Oh well… two more sleeps. TWO. That’s as many front paws as I have.

stopover

My female owner has been running around attending to various aspects of her life. This is, after all, the last week of her time in Singapore. She tends to over-commit herself due to her varying interests, whims and fancies and pays the price by sleeping late and being stressed.

Anyway, she brought a visitor home on Monday. Her Intuitive Fren who is currently holidaying here. They met earlier through an impromptu jio and decided to stopover to say hi to her parents. Wahaha. Been a long time since she introduced us turtles to any of her friends. Ah, the first thing she did when she introduced me was (yes, you guessed it), to point out how fat I was.

How’s that for self-esteem?

world

My female owner went out today for badminton with her Impromptu Frens. It was unusual, coz she hardly goes out on Sundays, choosing instead to stay home to be with her family. That also goes to say that she hasn’t been attending church for most of her Sundays. In a feeble attempt to soothe her conscience, my female owner has declared that she has stopped trying to wake up in time for church. This is despite the faithful efforts of her Onli Fren who tried to accommodate her impromptu lifestyle by jioing her to go to church on Sunday mornings itself. Quite a tall order, especially since my female owner tends to hang out late on Saturday nights. Not sure if it is purely coincidental, but the sole of my female owner’s shoe came off during badminton today. This caused her Christian Librarian Fren to comment that she has a “broken sole”. Wahaha. So punny.

Anyway, my female owner’s hiatus from Busy Brisbane is coming to an end. Being a swinging jobless single mature adult is quite an experience. From seeing how your peers have moved on to set up their own families, to feeling left behind because your once-comrades have advanced up the corporate ladder, to watching how quickly the world has changed while you are in your own postgrad bubble, my female owner feels a sense of disconnect from the “real world”. In her world, there is no progression to another stage of family life. In her world, she fades to near obscurity in comparison to her once-comrades whose career horses are carrying them far into their promised lands. And in her world, she is somewhat shielded from the raging economic downturn. After all, life is about spending within the meagre pay you get as a dodgy research assistant.

Meeting up with people in this neutral capacity, they start to reveal themselves in ways she never saw before. The good, the bad and the ugly. Having more time to reflect on herself and on life, she sees so many things that she wants to be, but is not. Her flaws become crystal clear, her strengths, as exciting as cracks forming on the bathroom wall.

Human nature. Such an interesting phenomenon to observe and muse over. Trying not to be too trusting is tiring. Where to draw the line between giving benefit of the doubt and mistrust? Being scheming? Goes against her straightforward nature. Blame it on her secondary school principal who ingrained in her to “call a spade a spade”. Just say things as they are.

Life is living in the present. It does not start when my female owner gets her doctorate and rejoins the workforce, or when she achieves some other milestones. My female owner’s world may be different from her contemporaries, but it is by no means inferior or dodgy.

health

My female owner went for a cheapo health check-up the other day ($5 only). In only 20mins, she got her BMI, blood pressure, blood sugar and cholesterol levels checked. To her surprise, in spite of her unhealthy diet and sedentary lifestyle, her blood pressure, blood sugar and cholesterol levels was still within the normal range. Not surprising but still depressing to her, her weight has ballooned while her height remained constant.

Ah, so in summary, after one year, the main change in her health status is that she put on about 5kg. Oh wait, and her dodgy knee. It acts up once a while now, especially after she goes jogging or plays badminton.

scheming

One of my female owner’s Impromptu Frens suddenly told her recently through msn that “you are not scheming enough”. Yah, all of a sudden, she seems to be receiving random social feedback from people around her!

Unfortunately, he was not able to articulate any specific examples or reasons and said it was “just a feeling lor”.

My female owner agrees that despite five years of working, she failed to pick up skills in manoeuvring office politics. She won't even know if she's being taken for a ride by her friends, much less colleagues. What a failure!

lifts

My female owner has been wondering about social conventions with regards to car-owners sending people home. It seems as if different people have different concepts.

It all started when her friend bought a car. Unless something crops up, he never failed to send my female owner home no matter what time of the day/ night it was. It puzzled my female owner, coz she always felt that getting a lift home is a privilege, not a right, even if you are a girl and it is past midnight. When she asked him why he always sends people home, he expressed the view that he thought that those with cars (unclear if he was referring to guys only) have a duty to send people home. Although my female owner feels pai-say at the inconvenience she caused to her friend (since they don’t live near each other), she has learnt to accept his kind gestures.

Anyway, and then, she observed that there are guys who do not offer to send anyone (including girls) even though it is past midnight. They only give lifts to people who live nearby (i.e. “by the way” concept) or girls they like or if bo-pian (i.e. someone is drunk). My female owner has no problems with this.

There are other guys who do not actively offer to send you home, but would send you home, if behaviourally you assume that he is going to send you home (e.g. follow him to his car), or if you are too drunk. If you explicitly say that you are going home by yourself (e.g. coz it is out of his way), he is happy to allow you to go back on your own, but would follow-up with smses to check that you are home. Again, this is not an issue for my female owner.

In Brisbane, things work differently. People are usually happy to give you a lift home (even if it is out of the way) or drop you somewhere convenient. Things are even more well-organised among her church friends. Because only a few own cars, there will be a transport I/C who would be tasked to organise car-pools if the group is going out for activities (e.g. meals or outings). The drivers would be responsible for driving his passengers to the location and most often, sending the same passengers back to their homes. My female owner had problems adapting to that kind of arrangements when she first arrived. It was as if there was an unspoken rule that those with cars were required to ferry people around. Although my female owner was sure that majority did it out of love for their friends, she was conscious of not taking such lifts for granted. I mean, it is such a privilege to have your transport needs taken care of by someone. No need to use the undependable public transport system!

blue

My female owner realised with a heavy heart that she won’t be able to celebrate CNY with her family next year, since it falls in mid-Feb: 14 Feb to be exact. She would probably be back in Brisbane by then, to embark on her year-long thesis and third placement.

Ah, another reason to feel miserable…

Yes, you guess it. My female owner is developing her traditional pre-departure blues. If you can imagine a balloon being filled with air, her blue balloon is probably almost filled now.

zodiac

In Chinese astrology the zodiac of twelve animal signs represents twelve different types of personality.. I’ve always wondered why there is no Turtle year. Having nothing much to do, I decided to come up with my own description.

The Turtle person is a thinker and observer. He is often regarded as wise and intelligent. Although he is often looked upon to provide guidance and support to people around him, he tends to be a loner and prefers quiet company. He works well independently, which can frustrate those who prefer teamwork. The Turtle person avoids confrontation at all cost. Under unwanted pressure or attention, he tends to retreat and keep to himself, only to emerge when things have calmed down. Slow to respond to changing circumstances around him, he is often mistaken to be blur and ignorant. In fact, the Turtle person is integrating information through his senses and internal thought processes before taking calculated steps that will see him through any crisis. Known for his tenacity and high goal-orientation, the Turtle person is likely to complete projects that he has committed himself to and to work through any difficulties that cross his path. The Turtle person makes a good philosopher, writer, teacher and consultant.

multi

My female owner celebrated the first day of the Lunar New Year by visiting her maternal grandmother’s house. Ever since her grandmother passed away in 2002, the extended family stopped celebrating CNY together. It is such a tragic outcome, that when the matriarch/ patriarch of the family passes on, the younger generation tends not to gather during CNY.

Anyway, for probably the third time since 2002, my female owner stepped into the house that forms a large part of her childhood. Weekly visits to grandma’s house where two unmarried aunties also reside, celebrating birthdays with grandma, not being able to speak grandma’s language but still able to feel her love, buying ice-cream for her oldest auntie who is slightly brain-damaged due to yellow fever during her teenage years, interacting with her younger cousins etc.

Eating steamboat with a couple of her relatives today, she realised that her humble family is quite a rojak mix. There are nine siblings in all. Her mother is the third youngest. There is an auntie who is a Muslim and thus, eats only halal food while an older auntie who is a devout Buddhist does not eat beef. Her eldest uncle is a health freak who advocates plant foods and another uncle married a Muslim twenty years younger than him. His children (forgive my female owner for not knowing their names! She probably can’t recognise them on the streets as well.) are of course, mixed and more Malay than Chinese. So many potential disputes over food preferences!

Happily, when CNY comes, the family shares the Chinese part of their lives together. When Vesak Day comes, the Buddhist auntie would cook lotsa food to bring to the temple and distribute her food afterwards. Come Hari Raya, the Muslim uncle would deliver home-cooked yummy food to their home. Ah, the family just needs an ang-moh and an Indian to make it truly multi-racial/ multi-cultural.

squeeze

My female owner has lost the "shutter-happy" vibes. Hence, she doesn't really take many photos nowadays. Still, I managed to squeeze out a few shots to share with you.

My female owner finds this packaging (of a wet tissue) dodgy and dated. Apparently, it is a photo of a real beauty queen, advertising for the restaurant's famed black pepper crab.

Arranged in rainbow colour by my female owner, she couldn't help but be mesmerised by the reflection of the bears in the windscreen.
My female owner found this artefact in one of the shops along Arab Street.

Ah, homemade pineapple tarts. Joint labour of love by my female owner's parents and her who split up the work to bake more than 300 tarts.

Praying hands of a three-month old baby. Prayer warrior in the making?

finally

My female owner finally celebrated Chinese New Year with her family. She had missed the previous two years for different reasons. Two years ago, she was sent on a business trip to USA by her non-Chinese boss over the CNY period. She had to travel with someone whom she could not get along with and well, basically endure a cold winter in a foreign land with unwelcome company.

Last year, she was in Brisbane, so her family was kinda split across two continents. She spent CNY with her host, who cooked up a great feast, but there’s really no place like home.

This year, there were 7 people present for the traditional steamboat reunion dinner. Her parents, brother, sister-in-law, paternal auntie and the choir director from her parents’ church. A foreigner, he was not able to return home to be with his family. Hence, my female owner’s mother extended an invitation to him.


Ahh… the aroma of the different foods activated the hunger pangs in us turtles. Nanook, in her usual paranoid self, asked if the family was going to serve turtle soup. For some BIG reason, she always feel insecure that her status as the largest family pet will flip to become the most nutritious family food.

peeves

My female owner has a few pet peeves. Literally, they are PET peeves.

For example, she doesn’t like us to bite each other (even when it is purely accidental, example, during feeding when we get over-excited). Whenever she brings us out for walks in the Living Room, nothing pisses her off more than if we hide ourselves in a corner to snooze (defeats the purpose of a walk, she says). Also, she gets annoyed if she sees us in the same spot in the morning and at night when we return home. To her, it means that the offending turtle(s) has not moved a single inch the whole day – a clear sign of laziness.

contentment

A story was told of a rich industrialist who was disturbed to find a fisherman sitting lazily beside his boat.

“Why aren’t you out there fishing?” he asked.

“Because I’ve caught enough fish for today,” said the fisherman.

“Why don’t you catch more fish than you need?” the rich man asked.

“What would I do with them?”

“You could earn more money,” came the impatient reply, “and buy a better boat so you could go deeper and catch more fish. You could purchase nylon nets, catch even more fish, and make more money. Soon you’d have a fleet of boats and be rich like me.”

The fisherman asked, “Then what would I do?”

“You could sit down and enjoy life,” said the industrialist.

“What do you think I’m doing now?” the fisherman replied as he looked placidly out to sea.

__________________________________________

My female owner spied this story in a church newsletter article, written by her Goat Fren. Half-way through the story, at the point when the rich man as the fisherman why he didn’t catch more fish than required, my female owner thought it was an article about the perils of laziness.

Reading to the end, she realised it was about being contented with your present life. The moral of the story hit her like a sudden big wave. For a while, she had already chastised herself for not being happy even when she is probably the envy of many people who lament that unlike them, she is so lucky, being able to go overseas to study, to get postgrad qualifications etc etc. And consistently in her life, my female owner had said “I would be happy only after I achieve XXX” or “I would be able to enjoy life only after YYY is completed.”

More and more, she realise that her friends are generally not happy as well. It doesn’t matter that they are highly educated, good-lookers, come from a complete family, hold secure or well-paying jobs, healthy with no physical limitations, free from family problems etc. They are just not happy or satisfied with their current state of life.

My female owner feels ashamed of the way she treats life. She is blessed in many ways – loving and supportive family, secure friendships, able-bodied, relatively cerebral, a little flabby but still ok, financially stable, able to pursue a range of leisure activities to occupy herself. Of course, there is more she can ask for, the sky’s the limit, but hey, why isn’t she contented with her current lot in life?

She figures that it’s all in her attitude, her values in life and what she chooses to focus on. She has learnt, contentment starts from within, and not from what one possesses. Discontentment does not come from what one lacks, but from what one perceives to lack.

alarm

My female owner found out today that her parents do not intend to go visiting during Chinese New Year. Ah, so much for reserving the first two days of CNY to meet relatives. Her alarm bells started ringing. She needs to find things to occupy herself, or else she might die of boredom. The forecast is bleak, considering that almost all of her friends are Chinese and among the already small number of friends she has, many are newly married/ parents (i.e. sure no time to meet her).

Sighz.

She decided to jio people for badminton on any of the two days (ha! Her you-never-know-until-you-ask spirit kicked in) and guess what?! By the end of the day, she managed to round up three others to play.

Looks like there are people who don’t really celebrate CNY too!

difference

My female owner, with her idle mind, wonders what's the difference between an intelligent, a clever and a smart person.

ex-colleagues

My female owner had dinner with some ex-colleagues just now. Hmmm.. it’s beginning to sound as if she has lotsa ex-colleagues. I should take some time to clarify the different categories of ex-colleagues.

The real ex-colleagues are the people who are still working at her former workplace and whom she detests to varying degrees.

The unfortunate ex-colleagues are her friends who are still working at her former workplace for various reasons (i.e. stuck).

The remaining ex-colleagues are her friends who are working in the same organisation or have worked with the real ex-colleagues, and hence, shared a common (often unpleasant) working experience (e.g. some of her Impromptu Frens who are still in service).

The comrades are those who used to work with her but like her, have left the place for greener pastures. Together, they have many years of working together in the same office and survived many classic moments.

Tonight, her dinner was with the comrades. They held different positions in the same office (e.g. some were the lowest life form while one was sandwiched between layers and two others were the lowest life form of the highest class) and together, they shared their individual stories about the horrors of working with inefficient colleagues, mimicked the bosses’ idiosyncratic movements and once again, groused about their “best friends” in the department. It’s funny to see how different people developed different “best friends” even though the collective group of “best friends” was common enemy.

Although the five of them have not gathered for a long time, their shared past made the fellowship was so comfortable, heart-warming and free-flowing that there was an obvious reluctance to say good-bye. Ah, it would be at least 10 months before they would meet up in such a capacity again. Kudos to the organiser for persisting through conflicting schedules to arrange the meet-up!

nua

My female owner is tired of asking people out. So she’s either going to wait for people to jio her out or wait for herself to get out of this anti-social phase.

And so, she stayed home today, with great plans to nua and do some spring-cleaning. It’s amazing to see how similar she is to us turtles. Sleep in the same position for hours, wake up and move around for a while, find some random snack, munch on them, go back to sleep (in the same position), wake up, move around, find other random snack, munch for a while… return to same position. I had a field day just watching her.

Needless to say, she managed to accomplish 50% of her plans – NUA. Spring-cleaning? Maybe tomorrow. I will keep you updated.

dubious

My female owner has boundary issues. She thinks that Facebook makes it even harder for her to manage those issues. Being “tao” and passive, she hardly requests to be added to people’s accounts. Majority of the people on her FB took the initiative to add her and my female owner has her fair share of dubious requestors.

• The colleague-turned-insurance-agent who resend his request after being ignored once [ignored, again]
• The ex-boyfriend [ignored]
• The old church-mate of her younger days whom she doesn’t remember knowing and who sent her a FB message to confirm my female owner’s identity [accepted]
• The ex-boss [accepted, on good terms then]
• The young daughter of the third most powerful man in her previous workplace whom my female owner was tasked to help in her research on psychology [accepted]
• The research coordinator of a project she participated in Brisbane [accepted, to prevent awkwardness]
• Someone from my female owner’s JC but she has no idea who she is [neither accept nor ignore]
• The JC class-mate who never failed to be the topic of discussion at every gathering (without her knowledge of course) [neither accept nor ignore]
• People from her first church whom she doesn’t really know or whom she is sure she doesn’t know [neither accept nor ignore]

And the latest, an ang-moh forensic expert who once trained her ex-colleagues and her in possibly criminal profiling or something. My female owner cannot remember. [neither accept nor ignore]

hungry

My female owner’s mother commented that we turtles suffer when my female owner is back home. The reason being that my female owner doesn’t take care of us, whereas at the same time, her father transfers the responsibility back to her. So in other words, no one is claiming responsibility of us!

Sob. Her father tells her to clean the tank and feed us. My female owner stares blankly at him… and forgets about his instructions quite quickly. Even though she plays with us at times, it somehow doesn’t register in her that turtles = living things = need food and clean water.

So we are perpetually hungry these days.

personal

My female owner spent six hours playing the same card game with her Impromptu Frens today. At the end of it, my female owner was horrified to observe how people could take things personally in a game which had no real consequence, leading them to respond with a vengeance and irrationally. It shocked her to see how emotional people can become, to the point of gloating over others’ misfortune, being vindictive in one’s actions, and cheering when others faltered at their turn or get attacked by others. She mused that one could tell a lot about people’s character from watching how they play games.

An eye-opening experience indeed.

truth

Her Functional Fren told her through sms today “u r 2 trusting”.

Ouch to the correct assessment.

Must have been a continuation from a conversation they had the night before. My female owner had reacted with an incredulous look on her face (i.e. she couldn’t contain her reaction) when she realised that he had bluffed her about something. He, in turn, was shocked that she believed him (hence, it was clear that whatever he was claiming was just a joke but my female owner took him for his word). Although my female owner was quick to dismiss that joke (I can’t think of a better word to describe that piece of inaccurate information), she blurted out “why would anyone lie about that?” For the first time since she knew him, her Functional Fren apologised profusely.

Being too trusting has been one of my female owner’s Achilles’ heels. Other close cousins would be being too accommodating and indecisive. When she was a child, my female owner’s auntie once told her that she was too naïve. Twenty years later, my female owner is still naïve and gullible. Her preferred style of relating to people is with sincerity and truthfulness. That’s why my female owner hates to make small talk with strangers or diplomatic conversations with people she don’t like. She hates having to put up a front and would rather just skip such interactions altogether.

How does one learn not to trust others too much? How does one stop giving people benefit of the doubt? How can one learn to be firm and decisive in light of conflicting observations, evidence and gut feeling? Why can't people relate to one another in truth and honesty?

adolescence

My female owner says that she is regaining her lost adolescence (and it is not just because she is still 18 years old). She is doing things that youths do, such as hanging out and boozing at chill-out places and just last night, she tried smoking sheesha. A bit overaged for her maiden dose of nicotine. My female owner is also gaining more knowledge about what makes guys tick by asking her male friends and observing what they say to each other. What she has learnt is both enlightening and distressing. Enlightening because finally she has some answers to her confusion. Distressing because she realises that indeed, all guys are bad! Carbon copies of one another.

prickly

My female owner was slightly emotionally prickly today. It must have been the accumulation of the recent meet-ups where, for some reasons, she found herself discussing about her ex-bf at almost all of them.

The climax came during today’s dinner. While asked for her opinion over some relationship matters, my female owner felt a wave of depressive aura come over her. My female owner then realised that although she is over her ex-bf, she has yet to process certain emotional baggage.

Later, she had a short chat with her Clever Fren who sent her home after dinner. He doesn’t know much about her past relationship but eventually asked why the relationship made her feel hopeless about the future.

My female owner was stunned at the direct question (but you know lah, clever people usually cut straight to the chase). She didn’t realise how negative she had been, Her reply was that at the end of the whole saga, she realised that she doesn’t really understand guys very well.

Her Clever Fren replied in a way that no one ever had, “well, it’s not entirely because of you, he didn’t really understand you”…. That sentence absolved some of her self-blame. When she insisted that she doesn’t want to make herself vulnerable again, the Clever Fren asked her to wait for someone wiser to find her.

Is that possible?

high

My female owner is having a packed week. She went to NUS twice this week to meet her supervisor and did some freelance work at another place which ate up a good part of her Wednesday.

In-between her work obligations (which included doing up lecture slides and sieving through SPSS data), my female owner also managed to catch up with some friends e.g. her Impromptu Frens in different combinations, a former colleague, a Brisbane Fren, a long-time friend from secondary school.

My female owner is one to feel anxious if she does nothing for more than a day. So even though this week had been hectic and a little sleep-deprived as she juggled work and play, my female owner felt more accomplished as compared to last week. Last minute work is her drug, it just gives her the adrenaline rush and gets her high.

I think she is mad.

marriage

My female owner had a heart-to-heart talk with her Second Onli Fren last night at the beach. The topic? Relationships and marriage.

My female owner acknowledges that she is “expiring” and is probably at the back of the bottom shelf of the cupboard. Her Second Onli Fren pointed out that if she were to get attached and eventually get married, my female owner is likely to end up having risky pregnancies, given her age.

Over the past few months, my female owner observes that her married friends tend to be happier than her single friends. She says this because many of her single friends would air their feelings in one way or another. Either that or she does not spend enough time with her married friends/ they don’t come on MSN/ they turn to their partners for support etc.

My female owner wonders if she will be contented with “the standard Singapore lifestyle”. For someone her age, it would be just married, new house, career, maybe planning for kids. She thinks that this lifestyle is most appealing because it is probably the most trialled-and-tested method, providing one with great stability and security. What my female owner appreciates most out of this conventional route is firstly, having a soul-mate and secondly, a house to call her own. Always wanting to be different, she would much rather be married but exploring the world with her partner.

She finds it a pity that one can’t try different options before deciding on a final path… and somehow, the grass always seems greener on the other side.

embrace

The whole cycle starts again.. the counting down of days left, the pressure to want to make each day count, the feeling of ambivalence, of what is going to be left behind and what is going to be experienced in an unknown future, the apprehension of not knowing where home is going to be for the rest of the year, the frantic meeting up of friends (and knowing all is futile, separation is inevitable).

My female owner is fatigued. She doesn’t regret her decision to pursue postgrad. She just wonders why she is not embracing the experience and opportunity as much as she should or would like to. You know, like embrace the moment and not fret about the fuure. Is that “should” a self-imposed expectation? Why do people tell her that they “can’t wait” to return to Brisbane? What is wrong with her? What is behind her reluctance?

punish

I roughly get an idea of what kind of disciplinarian my female owner will be if she is a parent – one for all and all for one! Although Dodo was the only offending turtle this afternoon, the fact the he actually bit and held on to me must have shook her worldview of her “most agreeable turtle” so much that she coped by punishing all of us!

Specifically, she put us all into a container which was too high for us to climb over. Then she fed us (coz her hypothesis behind the biting behaviour was that Dodo was hungry) and left us in that snug container for a couple of hours (space was tight). She felt that we had been so used to a huge personal space in the big and swanky Balcony that we need to get used to being in close proximity again (even if the water was dirty and smelly due to the leftover food).

That, was her way of punishing us. None of us dared to protest. No more biting one another, definitely.

bit

Dodo bit me today. It came as a shock to my female owner who termed Dodo as her “most agreeable turtle”. She responded in the typical Singaporean parenting style. She hit Dodo on his shell to communicate her disapproval. I was quite shocked too, I guess Dodo was just hungry and he saw me as a potentially yummy meal. Fattened and overflowing with goodness. I forgive him.

My female owner was actually in the midst of giving all of us turtles a full body scrub. I’m serious. She used to do that before she left. Armed with a toothbrush and tender hands, she would scrub us turtles from head to toe, top to bottom, limbs to shell and make us all shiny and sparkling clean. Takes some guts coz the grouchy among us would sometimes snap at her.

We turtles hate the process, coz it is nerve-wrecking, uncomfortable and ticklish but the outcome of a full body scrub is always refreshing and liberating. Ahh.

alcoholic

My female owner did something which she hasn’t done for a long time. She went drinking with some friends. Her usual drinking kakis are her Impromptu Frens but tonight, she went with two church friends. Ah, so proud of her. She didn’t get drunk or vomit.

She came home a bit intoxicated but still lucid, in control of her actions and certainly not high. Just warm and light-headed. After all, it was only two mixers and a beer.

Hmmm… a sign of alcoholic maturity.. She chose not to drink more, because she could just feel the alcohol building up within her. Anymore at any faster rate would mean a repeat of her tragic past.

reality

Reality is catching up with my female owner. She received a call from her research supervisor today (he is currently a visiting Professor at NUS, on a 6-month stint), asking her to meet him on Monday. To start working for him of course.

After a month of denying that she has RA obligations and thesis research to complete during her summer break in Singapore, she is forced to confront the cold hard truth. It is time to pull up her socks and do some real work.

Anyway, my female owner almost died of boredom over her non-activities in the last two days (can anyone really die of boredom?!). She finally went out again with her Onli Fren for a tai-tai experience. Lazing at a coffee joint with aromatic coffee, premium cake, a good book and (this is optional, depending on whether available) Baby.

Quite a refreshing day of make-believe for the Onli Frens (more for my female owner I must say…before she gets suck back to reality!)

vision

My female owner sleeps like a koala and eats like a cow. She demonstrated the first portion aptly, by sleeping through the whole of yesterday afternoon… night till this morning. Sure, she woke out intermittently to have her meals and eye-drops but that’s about it.

For those who are wondering how my female owner’s vision is, she says that it is clear but not sharp. She likens it to the stage where you would consider checking your eye power because things are not so clear and subsequently, make a new pair of spectacles.

Good news is that there is no more tearing, no sign of infection or inflammation. The feeling, she says, is surreal. After about 20 years of being dependant on glasses to aid her sight… it is hard to believe that perfect (or at this point in time, normal) vision can be attained so easily. Sad to say, she has to abstain from exerising for at least a week.

hazy

My female owner made through her LASIK operation alive. There were some points in time when she felt like saying, stop, I don’t want to continue.. Ahh.. the strange noises from the machines around her and the burnt smell of her very own tissue. Even the mere three drops of anaesthetic freaked her out. What if she could still feel pain? How does being zapped by a laser feel like?

The aftermath of the surgery was even more traumatic. She couldn’t really open her eyes and look ahead. The most comfortable level was heads-down, looking at the ground. She kept tearing.. A very sorry state indeed. Given that it was at a public hospital, and she was dressed in white and black, I won’t be surprised if people thought she just lost a loved one. Her clarity of vision was as similar to those few times she was drunk.. restricted and hazy.

Ah, so she rushed home to sleep. Her mother made her take the sole sleeping pill prescribed by the doctor. Her maiden consumption of a sleeping pill. Didn’t help at all.

Anyway, her vision improved after those hours of forced rest. Hopefully tomorrow will be a clearer day!

risk

2 more hours and my female owner will be at the hospital, waiting to do her LASIK. In her classic scenario-planning/ fortune-telling style, her predominant thought is “what if I go blind?”

My female owner is not a risk-taker. At times when she seems to take risks or do dangerous things, it is usually out an emotional rash-ness, e.g. pissed off by someone or when the consequences are trivial. Otherwise, she tends towards the trialled and tested routes and hesitates to venture out into unchartered waters. In addition, my female owner takes a long time to make important decisions, because she weighs all the pros and cons and ends up being stuck. The cons will somehow negate the pros and she is none the wiser on which path to take.

Her non-risk taking behaviour can be exemplified in the major decisions she make in her life - a career in the public service where an iron rice-bowl is more or less guaranteed, a conventional tertiary education where working hard/ rote learning gets you somewhere, a career choice that is definitely marketable. Even driving. She took such a long time (about 5 years) to get over the “risk” of getting into an accident while driving.

“What if?”

“What if?”

My female owner generally needs to be assured of success before she embarks on any major decision. She does not really tolerate uncertainty very well, unless uncertainty can be controlled by her actions.

Doing LASIK (see? I’m still on topic) brings about a great level of uncertainty that is out of her hands. Thinking of how irreversible the decision is freaks her out. The post-operation care is tedious – no bathing, no exercising, no rubbing of eyes, minimal computer and TV exposure, no sudden movements, no driving etc… One of the reasons why she agreed to do LASIK is because she is tired of living in fear and what-ifs, when the rest of the world is moving on..

Ah, but at crunch time, she is starting to panic and wonder if LASIK is the way to go. Haiz...The way she is coping with her insecurities is to keep praying for God’s protection. All the best!

wonders

My female owner wonders what people say when they look at her.

The working people (erroneously) comments “wah, good life, on holiday” or “so you very free now right?”

The envious whinges “so good, your parents pay for your education”

The spiritually discerning points out “make your life count for God, you are not here by chance or mistake”

The encouragers (usually her closer friends like Potahto) nudges her “it’s tough, but I know you can make it”

The pro-marriage ones hurry “find an ang-moh boyfriend and get married leh”

The confused questions “wah, why your course so long” or “Doctorate not PhD meh?”

The curious asks “So you prefer Singapore or Brisbane?”

The long-lost friends wonder "so what are you doing now?"

The (deluded) Onli Fren insists “I told you already, you are my Smartest Fren!”

The (anxious) Second Onli Fren urges “come back soon leh, I am waiting for you to buy a house together”

The Couple Frens smile with glee “our first child (aka your god-child) is safe in your hands”

The young wannabe-psychologists exclaim “you are my idol!”

Us turtles whisper “we miss you”

The family demonstrates “we love you so much, we will make the necessary sacrifices to support you through this journey”

God promises “For I know the plans I have for your life, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future”

entice

Nanook is ill. She hasn’t been moving much since a few days ago. She simply spent her days in one single spot and My female owner, being her, took a few days to notice it. In her typical dismissive style, she thought that Nanook was just being lazy…

This was where Nanook spent her time. The rest of us tried to get near to her but she ignored us. Refused to give us any eye contact!

Haiz…

Anyway, so my female owner tried to entice Nanook to eat by putting Nanook into the feeding container. Not only did Nanook not eat, she actually fell asleep in the container, with her head and limbs extended outwards. My female owner, bless her soul, thought that Nanook drowned. It is NOT funny. She was so scared, she shook the container to see if Nanook would move.

Thankfully she did. Still alive… but ill. I wonder why. Nanook refused to talk.

optimistic

My female owner heard the most optimistic line for 2009 recently. Her acquaintance was asking her when she would complete her studies. My female owner’s reply was “2010” and the acquaintance’s response was “isn’t that next year?”

Put in that perspective, it does makes one feel as if my female owner will be able to attain her professional aspirations fairly soon.

2008 had been a year of self-discovery and gaining self-awareness of who she really is. It was also a year of realising what she has been blessed with, and what she lacks in terms of character. It was also about learning more about her weaknesses, her natural style of appraising situations and her personal working styles and preferences. In addition, a time of accepting and loving herself after all the introspection and self-critique have been done and believe it or not, learning to come of age. Of accepting that her youth is almost all but gone and that by now, at her current age, she has reached (hopefully) a certain level of maturity and therefore, should conduct herself in a manner that commensurates with her age. You know, cannot behave like a teenager anymore.

Through the process, my female owner has become more confident of herself. She is more aware of what she appreciates and what pisses her off. While she once would dispense endless benefit of doubt to people who do dodgy things and bend her back backwards to accommodate others, my female owner is now more firm and discerning when interacting with people and indeed, more particular about people behaving properly (i.e. higher expectations of others). Ah, so she’s not Ms Nice anymore... and trying not to be Ms Gullible anymore.

Having travelled this path once in 2008 does not make going back to Brisbane in 2009 any easier. In fact, my female owner is already starting to feel a host of insecurities. Being her second year, she can no longer hide behind the excuse of being new to the country. She is assumed to have adapted to being an international student. Schoolwork is expected to be easier this year. Externships more manageable. She wants to live a proper life in Brisbane, but is not sure if she will be able to manage her time and workload decently. Her personal expectations have increased, the things that she hope to do or accomplish, the personal development that she wants to see unfold…

spent

My female owner really spent the whole day at home! The closest she came to going out was to jio someone out for jogging… but the person couldn’t make it in the end (not that my female owner was sorely disappointed!). She spent her day doing some school work in the living room (not bad for a start) … and ended up watching 6 episodes of Korean drama serials with her father! Ah.. this is enviable life.

inkling

In her attempt to self-therapy, my female owner tried to sit with the discomfort of being at home by herself today.

You see, she has this inkling that the reason why she keeps going out with friends is because she does not like being alone at home, when she can be outdoors doing something more fun. The way she copes with her anxiety and tries to avoid the feared situation is to meet up with her friends at every waking moment. I mean it literally, coz I’ve observed that if my female owner has nothing to do at home, she would simply sleep.

This pattern of behaviour has left her feeling largely unaccomplished in the area of her schoolwork. Maybe she is just being too harsh on herself. My female owner brought back RA work but has not started on anything simply because she isn’t home most of the time. Ah, I suspect that she is trying to procrastinate too!

Anyway, my female owner has been home for about 2.5hours now (since she woke up) and is starting to feel restless, lethargic and sluggish. Not sure how long she can last and how productive she will be today!

80-20

My female owner updated her organiser recently and was astonished at the number of times she had been meeting her Impromptu and Onli Frens.

This pattern reminded her of the 80-20 rule (or the Pareto Principle) she was taught as a young leader in church more than 10 years ago. Spend 80% of your time with 20% of the people in your cell-group (i.e. the people you want to develop as future leaders). She did just that and her investment was worthwhile as many of her girls turned out to be leaders in their own right.

Anyway, back to her personal observation that she probably spent 80% of her available time with 20% of her friends over the past few weeks (my female owner also realised that she wore 20% of her clothes 80% of the time and that she probably visited 20% of her usual haunts 80% of the time). My female owner decided to “branch out” and meet other friends from other segments of her life. After all, they are also important to her.

Starting from Thursday evening, within three days, she met:

- 2 former cell-group girls and a former youth leader for dinner
- 2 ex-colleagues for lunch
- Group of aikidokas for training and supper
- Second Onli Fren for stayover
- theusualgang (her group of 8 JC Frens whom she had not met for ages) for lunch
- a subgroup of theusualgang (i.e. Couple Frens and her Ex-儿子) for badminton and dinner
- a former church friend for supper

In-between all these, she also tried to spend more time at home.. and had dinner with her parents on Friday and lunch on Saturday. She even helped her mother make samosas! But alas, she hasn’t spent time with us turtles. She still needs to prioritise her time!

hit

Today is a significant day for many people. It’s the first day of school for all school-going children. Even more anxiety-provoking for children entering primary one and their equally anxious parents.

My female owner got a kick watching the parents wait/ loiter/ linger outside the primary school near her house. Aiyah, go school only mah. How scary can that be? When your child is in a safe place?

Seeing the crowd outside the school, my female owner’s mother started to recount about the time when my female owner was in primary school. She had gone for Chinese tuition at a HDB flat nearby. Upon reaching her house void deck, she saw her mother waiting for her. Without warning, her mother came towards her and hit her.

Of course my female owner got the shock of her life. She soon realised that her mother had thought that tuition had ended half an hour earlier than what it should be and so, her mother assumed wrongly that my female owner had gone gallivanting and hit her out of anger. And of course, her mother was deeply embarrassed then… and obviously remembers that episode untilnow.

That was the version my female owner had lived with almost 20 years of her life. Today, she heard a slightly different perspective. Her mother told her that when she didn’t return home at the time she thought my female owner was supposed to, her heart was pounding with fear that my female owner had gone missing. Hence, she hit her out of fear and anxiety. So, it wasn’t really out of anger.. it was just a projection of her anxiety..

The psychologist would say… maladaptive way of coping with negative emotions..

point

My female owner was going out yesterday when her father said to her “what’s the point of coming back to Singapore if you are always going out?”

Ouch. The inevitable has happened. Her parents are making noise now. My female owner was a little upset at the timing, coz she did spend Sunday and Tuesday evenings with them.

My female owner then stayed home today to make up for lost time. Unfortunately, her parents spent the day sleeping. By the time they got up and were ready to go out, my female owner had to go for a dinner appointment!

What bad timing.

Three cheers for trying!

water

New year, new resolutions. For a few years now, my female owner has stopped making resolutions, because she forgets what they are after a while.

But not making goals for your life is akin to wasting your life away. There is a Chinese saying that goes something like, if you do not know where you are going, that’s where you are going.

I think I need to convince my female owner to start thinking about what she wants to achieve in 2009 and to perhaps take some steps to concretise those goals. The failure to do so will mean crying over lost time and wasted opportunities at the end of 2009. After all, her youth is really slipping through her fingers like water through the dams.

formality

It’s a new year! My female owner ushered in the new year unceremoniously, by playing Bang! with a group of friends in a games café. The group of friends merely interrupted their game for a brief moment, to cheer for the new year.

Unceremonious.

That’s the way my female owner spent her birthday too. She wasn’t referring to the friendships that kept her company as being unceremonious. In fact, she was appreciative of those. Rather, my female owner was talking about the introspection and self-reflection she did for both events (birthday and new year).

Absolutely zero.

Her internal state at the moment is – another year has past, another year beckons. What’s new? Life is so cyclical. One year passes, one year begins. Spends the year struggling through various challenges and obstacles, only to what? End the year and start another year with the same story.

Years blur into one timeline. It is now difficult to differentiate one year from the next. Birthday cakes are getting crowded with candles. Candles, each representing a year of one’s life, seem to lose their individual significance in the pillars of wax. She is ready to admit that she is old, that for a while now, she feels as if she is going through the motion of life.

Many asked: “How did you celebrate your birthday?”. My female owner’s reply: “with some friends”. My female owner wonders, how do people actually celebrate their birthdays? What does “celebrate” mean?

For a short period on her birthday, my female owner was alone by choice (or fluke, for those who know the story). Her Second Onli Fren was upset when she found out, as she could not accept the thought of my female owner being alone at home on her birthday. However, my female owner wasn’t upset at all. She has reached a stage where she has conceptualised birthdays as a formality to acknowledge one’s successful aging over the past year.