obsessing

Technically, my female owner was supposed to submit her thesis yesterday. But yet again, another man has failed her and she is still waiting for him to revert with the drafts she sent over the weekend. Fed up, she decided to start partying anyway and didn’t care two hoots about the broken state of her thesis. For the past two days, she had been obsessing with planning for short travels around Australia. She also toyed with the idea of returning to Singapore and doing a short travel with Potahto. So many options, so little cash. The only thing she confirmed was a getaway to Adelaide with Therapist Fren, and possibly Canberra/ Sydney with Stats Guru… Oh yes, Whitsundays with Emo Sponge. At press time, she is still obsessing with flight plans.

surge

My female owner had this sudden surge to just pack up and go home next week. I think she has reached a point where she does not want to think about what to do anymore. Singapore, she says, is the easiest and most straight-forward option. Go home, and find a job. Rejoin the rat-race as a spectator.

She was sharing with one of her friends about her fleeting thoughts today and he wisely said to her to stay for the right reasons or to go home for the right reasons. Ah, an act of impulse doesn’t seem like the right reason eh.

Maybe she needs a personal retreat for this. You know how they say, never make a major decision when you are not feeling right. Thesus has taken a lot out of her and she probably needs to replenish herself before moving forward.

threshold

Apparently my female owner’s supervisor took so long to revert with his comments on her second drafts that my female owner had the luxury of time to revert to her old-time habit – prolonged MSN chats. She hadn’t been visible for many months because of Thesus but just this week alone, she made connect with some buddies whom she had not spoken for some time – Potahto, Canadian Jogging Kaki and Melbourne Fren. She also went out with Intuitive Fren and got her dose of wit and fast-firing exchange of sarcasm.

All good times must come to an end, and it ended when her supervisor finally reverted with her drafts. Essentially her heart sank when she saw the multitude of comments and question marks he generously dosed onto her draft and the most perplexing thing he wrote came at the end of the two chapters: “good work, congratulations”.

My female owner finds it hard to reconcile his actions and words. Internally, she is fading away already. She is reaching her threshold of last minute comments which should have been pointed earlier, if at all. She says that her chapter has reached a point where if you fix something here, something else might collapse. So finally, she asked Special Fren if he would be available to do a last-time job of proof-reading her chapter, so that these cracks would be spotted now, than later. As usual, he kindly said ok. Ah, so blessed, my female owner.

assertiveness

My female owner couldn’t help but be amused by a conversation she had with Mr S yesterday. The context is that last week, he agreed to go uni earlier today (he was already going to donate blood) to help her do up 112 tables for her thesis. He called her yesterday with “a piece of good news, and a piece of bad news”. Long story short, the good news was that he found a part-time job and the bad news was that he is starting today, i.e. he can’t help her. However, he told his boss that he would need a day off because he promised to help a friend. So he wanted to know if Wednesday or Thursday would be ok for her.

Upon hearing that, my female owner told him that it’s ok, she would do the tables herself. That she felt bad for disrupting his schedule and that he had to drive all the way to uni (about 45 mins) just to do something so boring. But he insisted on helping her, saying that he wanted to help out. Trying to be assertive (that’s what he always wanted her to be), she persisted in her stand

“Hey, its ok, I can do the tables myself, really.”
“So wed or thurs better for you?”
“huh? Are you listening to me? I said its ok, I will do it myself”
“So wed or thurs better?” (with slight giggle on his end)

Ah, how to be more assertive than her assertiveness coach? She gave up. After a while, it wasn’t even a conversation. But she was happy that he is man of his word, even though she was really ok if he couldn’t help out.

escapism

The latest (but boring) update is that my female owner has finished the first chapter of her thesis. i.e. her supervisor’s last comment on her draft was “congratulations, you done a good job”. The empirical chapters are still on his end, so she can’t really move forward.

The latest (less boring) update is that my female owner feels very sianz about staying on in Australia. Surprise surprise! Besides the usual apprehensions about whether she can find a good paying job, getting her PR application and registration sorted out, money issues, car licence etc, the latest thing on her mind is that high likelihood that she has to move out of her current house by the end of the year, coz her landlord wants to rent out the whole house. Another big uncertainty coz it is hard to decided where to stay if you don’t have a job. My female owner’s usual catastrophising mechanism kicked in and her first response was to return back to Singapore. Oh well… escapism in its full glory.

Anyway, she decided that she can think about that later. Right now, its really just Theseus and her, working (hand in hand) to complete each other’s misery.

Stats Knight

And so, my female owner met her knight in shining statistical armour. Stats Knight hails from the sunny island of Singapore. He’s someone whom my female owner know through Therapist Fren. They were never really close but he’s a helpful and caring person by nature, always looking out for his friends and feeding them with information to help them along as international students. Recently, my female owner faced an uphill task trying to figure out the discrepancies in her statistical outputs. Stats Knight had always been good in statistics but my female owner never approached him for help coz she felt they were not really close and as usual, she didn’t want to bother people.

But her recent crisis was so overwhelming that she just had to seek help. Stats Knight immediately made time to meet up with her to suss out her issues. He even went the extra mile to print things for her to refer to and “translate” those text into plain English. In fact, he was so excited while fixing her statistical knots that for a while, my female owner thought he actually made statistics look sexy.

Ah, and he rescued her from the bloody thorny snares of statistics, and my female owner says she is a happy girl again (until the next crisis happens).

fragile

Did I mention that my female owner had a crying session last Friday, as she tried to rerun her stats to confirm her results? Having almost reached saturated point, she started making even more mistakes even as she tried to double-check her analyses and data entry. It reached a point where she couldn’t go on anymore and she started crying, the whimpering type of crying… not the tears of frustration type. But the tears of helplessness.

Mr S who was chatting with her on FB told her to take a break and she started to tell him how inapt she felt, that she couldn’t even do the simplest thing of checking numbers. And his reply was short and sweet, that she couldn’t do it, coz she was too smart for it. And she should leave such things to people with simple minds, like him.

In spite of her angst, my female owner couldn’t help but laugh at what he said (things people say to cheer you up). She promptly remembered the last time this laugh-and-cry-dichotomous-split-personality appeared – on the day when she was leaving for Brisbane this year. Special Fren brought her around to run her (last minute) errands and while approaching her house. My female owner was feeling sad so she started to cry. Special Fren then played her a Malay song which had touching words. He sang the song in English in a highly ticklish manner that also made her laugh. And she ended up really laughing and crying and freaking him out in the process. Classic moments with my female owner.

Today, she was struggling with interpreting her statistical findings. Her uni fren couldn’t figure out any statistical explanation for the weird patterns and started to question her supervisor’s decision making. My female owner also wanted to cry (she’s so fragile these days!). Then her friend started to make a parody of her situation. “So, your discussion would go something like this: I did correlations and didn’t find anything significant, but I decided to move on to regressions just in case there’s something happening there. And now that I did and found significant results, I can’t really explain what happened, and think that my sample size was too small to start with. Crap.”

My female owner ended up laughing over the silliness of the situation.

ikan bilis

My female owner has been feeling touchy and angsty lately, and she attributes it to the ridiculous directions given by her supervisor regarding her thesis. Dodgy concepts and statistics galore. She ended up doing 84 multiple regressions (whatever that means), on top of other statistical analyses that he wanted her to do. It was as if her supervisor was casting his net wide to see what ikan bilis would be silly enough to be caught in her holey net. He changes his mind last minute, adding more analyses each time, and thus, changing her story each time.

So my female owner is very frustrated, and being her, she tends to direct her anger inwards, towards herself. She loathes to put the blame on her supervisor, so she says that she “should have been” more assertive and directive, and she “should have” clarified more etc etc. At the end of the day, she is blaming herself again. At the back of her mind, she feels sabotaged by him.

And we turtles are affected too. So hard to talk to her these days, without being pricked (hence my less frequent updates). I am still around, but my female owner had been MIA, tackling her T-monster

Nonetheless, she is thankful for her friends who have extended practical help to her. Besides Special Fren who readily agreed to be her proofreader, her Statistics Fren came out of FB to offer his statistics expertise. So did another uni friend who made time between his commitments at uni to look at her statistical write-ups and SPSS outputs when she asked him for help and even went the extra mile to offer more time-slots should she need it. Kudos also to her other uni friends (including Therapist Fren) who took pains to listen to her statistical dilemmas and offered their expert inputs and experience. And Mr S who said he would make time to do “humanitarian, charity work” just as long as it was something within his ability.

seven

7 years ago, on this day (13 Aug), my female owner started her first full-time job in a statutory board. She was assigned a buddy who was exactly 7 years older than her (they have the same birthday). The buddy didn’t like her at first but they soon became comrades in the office. It could be the fact that they share the same birthday or something but my female owner and her are quickly telepathic. They had great chemistry between each other and their conversations were full of laughter, wit and sarcasm, so enjoyable that people commented on how they enjoy watching them interact.

Anyway, because of this, my female owner often wondered how life would be 7 years from 13 Aug. Today’s the day, obviously. Then, she thought that she would be working in a higher position than her first job (maybe a senior), be married with maybe a kid. And of course, that means she is living in her own house and not with parents.

Never in her wildest dream would she imagine that she would be overseas, almost completing a doctorate in clinical psychology. Something that was so out of reach at that point in time, has become her reality. So different from what she thought she would be. She's jobless, single and overseas. In fact, everything is different. What remains same is that she is still surrounded by her family and very blessed.

When God Ran

Almighty God, the great I am
Immovable rock, omnipotent, powerful, awesome Lord
Victorious warrior, commanding King of Kings
Mighty conqueror, and the only time
the only time I ever saw Him run

CHORUS:
Was when He ran to me, He took me in His arms
Held my head to His chest, said “My son’s come home again”
Lifted my face, wiped the tears from my eyes
With forgiveness in His voice He said,
“Son do you know I still love you?”
He caught me by surprise when God ran

The day I left home I knew I’d broken His heart
And I wondered then if things could ever be the same
Then one night I remembered His love for me
And down that dusty road ahead I could see
It was the only time – it was the only time I ever saw Him run

And then He ran to me, He took me in His arms
Held my head to His chest, said “My son’s come home again”
Lifted my face, wiped the tears from my eyes
With forgiveness in His voice He said,
“Son do you know I still love you?”
He caught me by surprise as He brought me to my knees
When God ran – I saw Him run to me

BRIDGE:
I was so ashamed, all alone and so far away
But now I know He’s been waiting for this day

I saw Him run to me, He took me in His arms
Held my head to His chest, said “My son’s come home again”
Lifted my face, wiped the tears from my eyes
With forgiveness in His voice I felt His love for me again

He ran to me, He took me in His arms
Held my head to His chest, said “My son’s come home again”
Lifted my face, wiped the tears from my eyes
With forgiveness in His voice He said, “Son”, He called me Son
He said, “Son do you know I still love you?”
He ran to me and then I ran to Him
When God ran

proofreader

My female owner has a prolonged mental gymnastics session today, as she tried to work out how to address all her supervisor’s comments and feedback for her thesis. The process, while not depressive (thankfully)...yt, sucked out all her vitality, spark and emotions. She was just robotic, going through the motion and trying to fire-fight. At the back of her mind, she wonders if she can complete her thesis in time and occasionally, would kick herself for being so ambitious.

Anyway, one crucial procedure for submitting a thesis is to have it proofread by a naïve reader, someone who has no privy to what the thesis is about. However, it is not easy to get a good naïve reader, given that firstly, the person must be willing to go through the torture of reading a thick write-up which is an instant cure for insomnia and secondly, the person must be psychologically-minded in order to be able to digest the material. My anal female owner has other criteria as well, such as command of English better than hers, cleverer than her, able to give critical feedback, work under tight time pressure etc. (sounds as if she is looking for a partner actually). My female owner almost convinced herself that she could do without a proofreader but she decided that it was not a wise choice.

And so, my female owner approached Special Fren who fit the criteria perfectly. And best part was, he readily agreed to help her out. My female owner tried to warn him of the humongous task ahead but he was game for it. True friend, says my female owner.

newbie

My female owner has a new housemate. She can tell that the newbie is a very nice person but my female owner, being her, is not particularly enthusiastic about having another person living in the house. That’s 4 girls altogether. Even more people in her living space than back here in Singapore. My female owner can be quite individualistic at times. Even though she is accommodating and obliging, she guards her personal space and freedom very fiercely. She wants to come and go as she pleases and three housemates is just too many. But I say, it is early days yet. Maybe things will turn out even better (although I know my female owner is not convinced). Best if she has enough money to move out, get her own place and her own means of transport.

teary

My female owner had a teary week. It started on Tuesday with the bombshells her supervisor dropped on her. She ploughed along on Wednesday, heavy hearted. Had a brief chat with Mr S who asked if she was ok. Thursday came, and she was still ambivalent and distressed over the happenings on Tuesday. However, she kept working on her thesis. Grateful for Mr S who sent her emails reminding her of what she had to do (coz he knew she would forget) and encouraging her to be more proactive in getting her supervisor to play his part. Emo Sponge came over at night. Had a brief face-to-face chat with him and my female owner almost teared again, talking about her problems. Friday. Emo Sponge had been faithfully whatsapping her to cheer her on and support her efforts in taking care of Sayang. When my female owner remarked that she feels as if she is having post-natal depression, he promised that he (being the god dad) and the father of Sayang (a friend who self-confessed to be her father) would be supporting her emotionally, financially, spiritually and physically. Ah, sweet words. Late pm, my female owner dragged herself to school to return an overdue book and to meet Mr S (how funny, both of them had to go to school but were too lazy to do so, unless they had other additional reasons to go out, hence they agreed to meet). Was meant to be a brainless evening but Mr S asked her again about her coping and emotional well-being, commenting that she was “flat”. He found out that it was very important for her to graduate by the end of the year and through his persistent but therapeutic probing, sussed out the deep seated reasons for her relentless pursuit of a ridiculous deadline… and in the process, she teared again. My female owner had never been teary over a stretch of so many days before. This is new and rightly distressing for her. However, after Friday's guided soul-searching, my female owner said that she is clearer of her irrational thoughts and inflexible beliefs.

trains

My female owner has confirmed that she hallucinated on Tuesday night at the sushi restaurant. She asked Mr S to go back to the restaurant to inquire about the number of trains on the sushi line. He did, by talking directly to the boss, thus confirming that all through dinner, she was seeing things.

My female owner said that throughout dinner, as the train(s)? were passing by, she noticed that they were not set at equidistance from each other (i.e. not directly opposite each other). That of course meant that one train was sort of trailing behind the other and both were short in lengths.

She didn’t know what happened that at the end, as if the scales fell from her eyes, and she suddenly saw a single, long train.

So freaky she said. An hour of illusion!

losing

My female owner had her biggest emo episode yesterday, no thanks to her supervisor who dropped the bombshell on her that he has not been able to find any markers for her thesis (at this late stage) and who questioned her ability to complete her thesis by 30 Aug 10. Not funny. My female owner didn’t know how to respond to these that she simply stared at him in shock. The nightmares of eccentric supervisors are happening to her. Had she worked so hard, all in vain? Every decision she made was in view of her plan to submit her thesis by 30 Aug 10 with ready markers.

She felt down and moody henceforth. She then met up with Mr S who, as usual, could tell that she was losing “it” and perhaps out of compassion, bought her coffee and cake and offered his listening ear. She tried her best to be good company for the rest of the night (after all they were meeting up after a long time) but the issues weighed heavily on her mind and heart. For the first time ever, she really wanted a beer for dinner. And she apparently had an hallucination which freaked her out (she saw two trains on the sushi line the whole time during dinner but Mr S said there was only one).

She went home and found Sayang missing. Another straw that threatened to break her back. Her friend, who had earlier popped by to feed her dinner, had told my female owner about the fierce cat neighbour who scared Sayang, and my female owner was convinced that Sayang had gone into hiding for the night. Her housemates and Emo Sponge were around and my female owner had brief conversations with them.

Going into her bedroom, my female owner started crying. She didn’t know what she was feeling. Was it anger? Or disappointment? Or hopelessness? Sitting through her tears, talking to Onli Fren and Emo Sponge (powers of technology), my female owner finally realised that while her chief complaint is tiredness, at her very core, she felt scared.

Some people call it fear.

notice

My female owner just submitted her Notice of Submission, i.e. she is officially notifying the school of her intended submission date of her thesis. Having stated 30 Aug 2010 as her deadline, she is now regretting her lack of foresight in not giving herself some buffer time and declaring such a bold deadline (For those who don’t know, her thesis is actually due in Oct).

So she is in her final month of school and she is starting to feel the heat. The heat of getting her thesis written up and the heat of knowing that she has little plans beyond August. The high-achieving side of her which screams that she should be doing more with her time and the fun-loving side of her wanting to enjoy life even while writing her thesis. These days, she gets cranky easily and her friends suffer the brunt of her unintended sarcasm and snappiness. That’s why during such times, she rather be alone, so that she doesn’t step on anybody’s toes or ruffle any feathers. But ah, she is often surrounded by people, friends who bless her richly with their support, practical help and undying patience.

Still, she is cranky. She felt it within her today as she went out with her friends for dinner. She caught herself with great determination and reminded herself not to say or do anything that she would regret later. My female owner was not sure if she succeeded but she did her best to stay on safe topics.

4 more weeks.