sheet music

My female owner had a pretty fruitful day doing nothing much at home. She went around surfing for free flute sheet music and stumbled upon this website www.virtualsheetmusic.com

To her, it was the best website offering sheet music ever. The website offers instant download of sheet music in PDF files and music files. What’s more, each song comes in different kinds of arrangement. For example, piano solo, piano and flute, flute and clarinet, string quartet, violin and piano etc etc. And each arrangement has its own midi recording! So you can just play along with the music and pretend that you have a live ensemble! It is relatively cheap too. For a year of membership at USD$37, you get to download as many sheet music and midi recordings as you want. Otherwise, you can purchase by the score. You can also sample the score and listen to the music before deciding whether that’s what you want.

My female owner was so happy when she found this website. Inspired by the sample, she bought a flute solo for Canon in D (she wasn’t ready to commit to a year’s membership… ), her all time favourite classical piece. And had a merry time trying out the piece. (I’m so glad I wasn’t around to hear her trying!! 3.5 years of bad flute playing is enough for me).

Anyway, it's good that she's finally playing some pieces other than her exam pieces...

online

My female owner celebrated the submission of her sort-of last assignment by taking a break from clinic or school work. As she was walking home from school at about 1130hr, she wondered what she would do to fill up the whole day. She figured that she would tidy her room and finish up reading her book (Life of Pi). At the back of her mind, she suspected that she might spend the whole day on MSN.

She was so right.

She logged on at 1200hr, putting her status as “online” (for the first time in a long long while).

First to say hi was a aikido senior whom she haven’t spoken to since school started. After so many months of non-contact, they indeed had a lot to catch up on.

My female owner seldom initiates MSN conversations, but she decided to pop in a hello to her neighbour and the conversation centred around blogs.

Then she decided to start a conversation with a bible study friend who had always taken the initiative to talk to her. The conversation was fairly short, coz the friend had to go out.

An ex-colleague came popping in, asking about the identity of the person who said the “how the hell” statement. He left after some time.

Another aikido senior (who taught her how to tie her hakama) made contact and while they were talking, the bible study friend announced her return. The conversation with this aikido senior ceased after a long exchange.

Later, the ex-colleague came back to discuss something more serious and went off after the discussion for lunch.

Mr Squabbles whom she had regular but infrequent contact came on to check when she was going back and the conversation centred around meeting up… and drinking. Midway through, an animal-lover ex-colleague (who helped me greatly when I was ill) popped a random message (coz they hardly chat in the first place) to say that his dog is going to give birth soon.

The second aikido senior and a aikido junior then popped in messages together, asking my female owner about Canon in D.

Her MSN tour finally ended at 1900hr. What a difference being "online" makes. Such an eventful afternoon, just sitting at her computer to talk to people. And this does not even include her usual MSN kakis!

After 7 hours, my female owner had succeeded in tidying up a small portion of her room and eating an entire packet of Tim Tams and a meat-pie. In addition, she multi-tasked while chatting and played on her flute for about an hour (more on that in another entry), sneaked an impromptu walk to the nearby stores with her housemate (leaving one of her poor friends stranded on MSN), chatted with Intuitive Fren for a while and made a to-do list (but not accomplishing anything!). She also confirmed that her three aikido friends would be attending training on Saturday morning and she would be joining them! Wow! Finally!!

Functional Fren

My female owner and her Potahto have relinquished their bond as Chopstick Sisters, primarily because they have both put on so much weight that they no longer look like a pair of chopsticks while walking together. They are now considering rename themselves Banana in Pajamas.

Anyway, despite my female owner having a 50% essay deadline in 13 hours, they had an extended MSN chat and the topic soon centred around a common friend, also known as my female owner’s Functional Fren.

Some people have a natural knack for sensing emotional distress and providing crisis intervention at the most opportune timing. Functional Fren is one such person. He is a trained counselor and has always shared with my female owner his passion for helping people on the ground. He was also the friend who supported her through her entire application process (he referred to that support as being my female owner's "inner talk") and unsurprisingly, was the first person she called when she got the news of acceptance. My female owner has seen him in action a number of times, both as a beneficiary of his skills and in his regular job. Although he hardly initiates social contact, he would, if he senses that you need help (as verified by Potahto).

He is effective in his counselling, whether it is face-to-face, over the telephone or through MSN. My female owner had never failed to benefit from those sessions. Not to mention, Functional Fren is also highly intelligent, creative and visionary. These qualities helped to make him into the invaluable counselor that he is.

For a while, Functional Fren had been having self-doubts about staying in the counseling field. My female owner has been quite concerned because he certainly has a gift for listening and helping people to suss out the main issues. Recently, he rekindled his passion and my female owner is really happy to see him fired up once again.

established

“how the hell u gals can carry on working in that environment”

An exasperated comment made by my female owner’s friend while recounting a recent experience working with her former colleagues. The preceding conversation also stirred up a cauldron-full of resentment, bitterness, resignation and injustice to (bad sign – she still haven’t got over many things).

The conversation continued:

XX says: we are the Gen Y la..
FO says: coz i'm still wondering if i should have taken the sponsorship
XX says: we have already established that fact already..
FO says: that?
XX says: not sure u will be happy to be bonded if u were to take it up..
XX says: u must remember .. 1 yr of enjoyment.. u suffer for 3 yrs
FO says: at a cost of 150k
XX says: yes

A timely affirmation indeed. That short but crisp exchange caused my female owner to realise that she had established “that fact” many months before (guys are just so logical and decisive, they waste no time in pointing out what "is" and refuse to get sidetracked by speculative thinking). It’s just that she has not accepted the inconveniences/ consequences to her lifestyle that had resulted from her decision.

After so many months, my female owner is still ruminating over something that can't be changed. Somebody help her to get over it!

MSN tally

My female owner did a tally of her MSN contacts today.

Aikido – 19
Brisbane – 15
Church – 21
Coworkers – 27
Friends – 21
Others – 3

Aikido: obviously these are friends she made through aikido
Brisbane: again, it's obvious
Church: people from her first church. So Onli Fren and Second Onli Fren fall into this category
Coworkers: this category is a misnomer since the people are her ex-colleagues from her last job. People like Potahto (if you are wondering) and Functional Fren fall into this category.
Friends: the misc group, like her badminton kakis, Closest Couple Fren.
Others: erm... people on her blocked list?

choc chip cookies!

My female owner is out of steam, coz everyone around her is in a holiday mood and she is finding it difficult to maintain her momentum… to start work on her ethics essay due on Monday. She sat on the essay for a few days because she was just so tired of pushing herself. Besides, she had endless to-dos to see to each day.. and that took up hours each day. She can’t believe that she has to go to school from Mon to Thurs next week, even though she only has two clients booked in. The only reason why she doesn’t need to go to school on Friday is because she need to fly home (yay!)

As part of her procrastination and trying-not-to-feel-like-a-loser-who-cant-have-a-holiday-when-everyone-else-is-having technique, my female owner tried baking some chocolate chip cookies just now with a recipe she copied from the bookstore… The picture had looked promising..

See her maiden choc chop cookie dough (with a hint of crushed walnuts)

They expand really big and quick, like her temper!
The customary close-up. Certainly not what she was aiming for.
A slight back-track to how the cookies looked, baking in her untrusty oven
The cookies remained soft and suspiciously uncooked after 10 mins. So she did another 3 + 3 mins... and the cookies ended up looking charred. =(

Hmm… so apparently the cookies turned out the way she expected them to (not the charred bit though), and not in the way she hoped they would. So that means that she needs to go on trying other recipes, in search of that magical (and evasive) taste.

soon

One more week... finally, after 5 months of waiting... We will be back into the hands of our female owner. She used to cradle us in her hands and talk to us. We never really appreciated those moments.. until she left and we realised we took those moments for granted.

right place right time

Recently, my female owner has been learning more about trusting God to lead her in the right direction. Specifically, she was challenged to trust that God will meet her needs by allowing her to be “in the right place at the right time”. There were a few things which happened recently which opened up her eyes to this prompting.

Practical Exam
There was an Assessment Station where she had to read a case study and answer the questions that followed. The examiner for the station was her very own supervisor. The final question was “what would be the key elements of your treatment plan?” My female owner, for all the hours she spent in the clinic and in supervision, did not really understand the question. Hence, she did not know what the right answers would be. She just babbled whatever that came to mind, even things which she never talked about in supervision. Her supervisor later fed-back that she was very impressed with her treatment plan because it was comprehensive and had good outcome measures (ie those things which she babbled out).

Her coursemates and her tried to spot the likely question which would be tested in the Therapeutic Processes Station (which involved a role-player). They thought that they had to tackle a parent who was non-compliant with homework. It turned out that the parent did not believe that time-out was a good strategy. Rather, he believed that smacking was a better strategy. My female owner could not believe her eyes when she read the scenario, coz smacking was an issue that came up recently in one of her supervision sessions. Hence, she was able to combine what she had previously learnt from her supervisor and her Intuitive Fren to come out tops in this station.

My female owner had no doubts that God had helped her to meet the requirements of the different stations, because she had prayed about it and there was no way she could have managed the demands of the assessment based on her current skills.

Clinical Psychopathology Exam
This was the examination which my female owner was fretting over because she didn’t have time to read through her notes sufficiently and had problems remembering the important points and diagnostic criteria of the different mental disorders. She knew for sure that she did not do well for the written assignment, simply because she did not do a good intake interview and hence, could not formulate the case properly. She was right. She got 27/40 for the essay. She got 49.25/60 for the exam. That gave her a total of 76.25/100 for the module (which is worth 2 units, ie double-weighage). Although she aimed for grade 7 for all her modules (i.e. 85-100 marks), she knew that it was highly impossible for this module, given the professor’s reputation for being a strict marker. Given that only one person got more than 85 marks, she was very contented to have scrapped through with a grade 6 (75 to 84 marks). Then at night, for some strange reason, she looked at the course outline and realised that to get a grade 7, she had to get between 76-100 marks, and not more than 85. Hence, in spite of her lousy essay, God provided her with sufficient marks for her exams to be upgraded to a grade 7 (and for a double-weighage course at that!).

(in case you are wondering why my female owner wants to get a grade 7 for all her modules, that’s because she hopes to upgrade her current programme and to do that, she needs an average of 5.5)

Bus stop
My female owner was at the university bus-stop just now. It was getting really cold and she didn’t have a jacket. So she was just checking out the bus time-table to see if it was worthwhile to wait for the bus (bus frequency at night is really questionable) or to endure a 15min walk home in the cold. She spent a few minutes staring at the time-table and finally decided to wait. The bus showed up after a minute or so, and she looked around to join the queue… only to realise that she was in the queue… at the head of the queue in fact. Although she did not realise that the spot she was standing was the usual start of the queue, other students had formed a line behind her. That was when she realised that God was trying to speak to her about trusting Him to lead her to the “right place at the right time”.


Although there are things/ daily hassles that still bother my female owner, she is learning to look beyond these to place God in the centre of her life. It has been a spiritual restructuring process for my female owner. Takes time, faith and humility and willingness.

family

My female owner has a few friends who had studied in her current university and who attended her current church when they were there. They unanimously told her that the church is like your family. My female owner certainly agrees with them on this point, but I guess she has been finding it hard to let go of her “family” in Singapore.

Her “family” in Singapore would be her aikido kakis. The group is made up of people from diverse backgrounds – you have students, working adults, male, female, young and not-so-young, Malaysians, Singaporeans, Filipinos, varying levels of education, blue-collared workers, white-collared workers – but everyone gelled together. There was no elitism or discrimination.

They saw one another at least 2 times a week for practice and sometimes hang out together during the weekends, watching movies, karaoke, arcades and buffeting. Whenever grading approached, they would rally around the graders to help them polish up their techniques and would spend their Sunday in the grading hall, just to lend support and take photos. (They were the reason why sometimes we won’t get fed on Tuesdays or Thursdays – coz my female owner would come home about midnight, after practice and by then, she would be busy with other things).

When they found out that she was leaving, they were the first to arrange a coordinated goodbye party (that resembled, comically, a wedding dinner!). Over the past few months, they kept asking her when she would be coming back. Even when they found out that she was coming back, they asked if she would going back to train with them, coz they were afraid that she would not. The many things they did for her and with her had filled her life with many sweet memories...

Such warmth and care, no wonder they are irreplaceable in my female owner’s heart. She looks forward to seeing them again. 8th July.

without

My female owner wants a proper break, not physical but mental. She wants to be able to pass each day without

1. Wondering if her clients will turn up
2. Wondering if she is able to hit 200hours by December 2008 (about 60 hours so far)
3. Writing up to-do lists for each day and not being able to check off the items at the end of the day
4. Fretting about whether she can hit a GPA of 5.5 to upgrade her programme (so far so good)
5. Wondering if we are ok (cheers! I always knew we have a special place in her heart.)
6. Wondering if her friends are alright (those who are going through problems)
7. Wondering if she made the right decision in quitting her job (after so many months, she still can’t come to terms with her decision?!)
8. Binge-eating (drastic health implications)
9. Feeling guilty about using her mother’s money
10. Wishing she can attend aikido training
11. Wondering what the future holds
12. Wishing she has more time, to spend with her bible study group
13. Missing her friends and family
14. Having to fight the cold
15. Feeling blue

indulgence

For the first time since my female owner started her course, she was able to work on her assignments yesterday in a relaxed fashion, as compared to the preceding months (since Feb 18!), where each day was spent trying to complete sufficient work, just to prevent the fire (of undone work) from spreading the next day. She actually enjoyed herself doing work.

To celebrate the TEMPORAL end of face-to-face assessments, my female owner took a time-out from everything today and went shopping to a further than usual place. For the past months, she had moved largely between her suburb and the neighbouring suburb (to buy groceries primarily), with the rare transition to the city or beyond. That's how deprived she is! Studying must be sometimes worse than working. At least you get to take leave from work to do your own things, whereas work never ends for students. Alas, her self-indulgence (or avoidance of work) resulted in many oh-shit emails when she got home.

While it was easy to regret indulging herself, my female owner knew that she needed that break, just to redeem lost days and maintain her sanity. In spite of her chronic stress and high level of tension and anxiety, my female owner also noted that God had kept her in good physical health and for that, she is grateful.

I suppose it’s back to the grindstone for her, or else she won’t be able to come back. SOB.

misses

Dodo misses her gentle strokes under his neck.

Dona misses running away whenever he senses her presence.

Nanook misses her random pokes at her fats.

I miss her warm hand on my shell.

We look forward to her home-coming.

relief

My female owner passed her practical exam! It was a relief, with a slight hint of positive emotions (when compared to receiving other grades). It was a day of emotional swing. She started off with a sense of dread because she slept early last night, leaving many materials unread. She walked to school and was so jittery that she was not able to even pray properly (loss of words). Her confidence level increased tremendously when her very clever coursemate (who already has a PhD!) assured her that everyone would pass. Her confidence level dipped when her friends and her compared experiences after the assessment, coz she realised that she missed out on vital points in one of the stations (with the strictest marker, ie her own supervisor). After lunch, her confidence in passing crashed rock bottom when she found out (through the grapevine) that some people failed. Putting two and two together, she reckoned it must be her. She wondered how the clinic manager would break the news to her (results were released through a face-to-face feedback session with the clinic manager).

The clinic manager began the session by saying “I have to tell you upfront that…” (split second pause, but long enough for my female owner to think “you failed one of the stations”)

“…you passed all the stations”.

What a relief.

yay

My female owner has been wondering why she tends towards being depressed. It probably started at a young age. The first time she thought of killing herself was before the age of 12, probably about 9 or 10. She pictured herself slashing her wrists or stabbing herself. She was unhappy at home, because she was a latch-key kid with little freedom. The next period of time she thought of ending her life was in junior college, where she couldn’t cope with her studies and her BGR. This time, she didn’t really think of how she would kill herself. She just had a stress ball (bright yellow smiling face) where she would ink dark words on. She spent a lot of time crying in front of her Physics teacher (poor teacher!). Surprisingly, even though she had been mildly dysfunctional, the cell group which she led grew in strength, numerically and spiritually.

The final period of time she realised she had suicide-like thoughts and behaviour was sometime within the past few years, where she struggled with an unfulfilling job and BGR. There were many times when she wished she would “just disappear” (a very common thought that suicidal people have). She went to work feeling really low and thought that she had split personalities because she would be counseling depressed clients, putting on an optimistic front even though she just had a big argument the night before. Sometimes, she stayed in office during lunchtime and cried.

Today, she went to school to take a practical exam. While waiting for the results of the exam (it was a one-to-one feedback session with the clinic manager), she received her grade for one of the papers she sat for last week. Having received grades for all her completed courses, she realised that
i) bad results (defined as not getting what she wants) made her feel lousy about herself whereas
ii) good results (defined as getting the same as the class average or best possible grade) did not make her feel good about herself.

Back to my first statement. My female owner probably knows the reasons and can even identify the maintaining factors (as all psychologists are trained to do), but just as a knife cannot cut itself, she’s probably not going to use any psychological techniques on herself. But she knows she cannot go on this way and she is going to do something about it.

Yay!

practical exam

Ever since last Sunday, my female owner thought that she would be able to join her bible study group for after-church dinner tonight, despite having a practical exam tomorrow... until she had a meeting with her coursemates yesterday to brainstorm on the practical exam. She realised that there were so much technical knowledge she needed to arm herself with.

Her fears were confirmed at night, when she had a last-minute practice session with her Intuitive Fren (who had previously helped her with IQ assessments). He role-played different difficult client profiles and dished out insightful feedback regarding her style, body language and energy level. That practice session made my female owner realise that besides the technical knowledge she needed to cramp into her limited capacity brain, she also needed to work on her soft skills.

Hence, she's moping around at home now, trying to figure out what to prepare for... and trying not to think about the dinner she had to miss...

moist chocolate cake

My female owner, currently in her baking frenzy, tried to bake "Moist Chocolate Cake" yesterday. The process was difficult as she had to mix chocolate milk and cocoa powder together by hand. The mixture soon felt like clay and made the area messy.

Although she followed the recipe to a T and the dough looked promising, the cake did not turn out "moist". It had a brownie texture - dense and heavy. The problem was analysed by a number of baking experts and the blame was put solely on the fan oven she used (or maybe user fault?).

The promising looking Moist Chocolate Cake, baking well. Unfortunately, the temperature was not hot enough. So the cake swelled but it shook like jelly when there was movement. Moist Chocolate Cake indeed.

My female owner could not finish baking the cake as she had to leave for the goodbye party. She intended to continue baking the cake when she returned home but for some strange reasons, the cake was cooked by then. The cake swelled a great deal and upon cooking, formed a huge sort-of U-shaped crack in the crust. Before she could do anything about it, her Intuitive Fren poked three holes into the cake, resulting in a =)

Making the icing for the cake. Now, icing is a 100% foreign concept for my owner. Not that she never heard of it before but she had always avoid eating it. Too sweet, too fattening.

They had a lot of problems with the icing because the wrong type of cream was used. My female owner started off with 50g of butter and had to top up to about 80g, in order to salvage the icing.

Believe me on this. Although my female owner read the recipe many times, she didn't see the portion instructing her to slice the cake into two to put icing in-between the layers. Anyhow, she managed to do a clean cut of the cake. Hmmm... potential butcher.

See the hole in the cake? That was where her Intuitive Fren had earlier pierced through (using a chopstick) to check if the cake was cooked. It was as if you did something bad to someone and later on, you see your victim's wounds right in front of you. No escaping your guilt.

The final product... They used icing on half the cake (just in case the icing didn't turn out good).

Verdict: Although the cake did not turn out as my female owner envisioned it to be (just like the muffins!), my female owner learnt a lot through the process. In addition, her friends gathered round to help her complete the cake. One made the icing, another changed the oven setting for her and educated her on the quirks of that particular oven and the last one, helped her complete the cake. Getting the right "moist" would be just a bonus. However, my female owner decided that if she wanted a quick chocolate cake indulgence, she would just stick to the first chocolate cake she baked a few weeks back.

2emo

My female owner realised that her emo state is getting out of hand (still within control but just unreasonable). She found out that the plant which she had been painstakenly taking care of and now placed in the balcony on a table, had some of its leaves and stems burnt. Someone had lit some tea-lights under the leaves and the fumes had burnt parts of her plant.

I haven’t had a chance to give an update of the plant, but ever since she started watering the plant everyday, the plant had been flourishing and sprouting new leaves every week. My female owner had also grown attached to the plant and would check the plant daily for any problems.

Being her maiden plant and having developed some form of attachment to it, my female owner was very upset at this unexpected damage to her plant. Putting things in perspective, she knew logically that it was a small issue, or even a non-issue. But being the person she currently is, her emotional response was exasperation: “even something happens to my innocent plant”.

But I guess, being older and more controlled emotionally, she forced herself not to dwell on what she could not salvage/ change and to focus on other things.

goodbyes

My female owner attended a farewell party tonight. One of her bible study friends from Malaysia was returning home, after being in Brisbane for 4 years.

The party, held in someone’s house, had a warm and homely feel. It overflowed with food, friends and fellowship. After dinner, the group (must have been about 30 people) sat down and shared about how the friend had impacted their lives. They also prepared a video recording and prayed for him. Photo-taking (by sub-groups) took place thereafter. Photo-taking was carried out in a wedding ceremony fashion (if you know what I mean. If you don’t, it doesn’t matter).

It was at the “sit-down” segment that my female owner suddenly felt a sense of familiarity. The concept and sequence of events were almost the same as 5 months earlier when her Onli Fren organised the church farewell for her. Watching the process stirred up strong emotions within her, to the point that she would have left the place if she could. It was just that she did not bring out her keys and her housemates were seated far away from her.

Saying goodbye had been painful. Watching a similar goodbye party unfold before her was like re-experiencing the pain again. She hates goodbyes.

existential

My female owner went to bed this morning, feeling bothered about various things. She started to pray, telling God about her frustrations and how things are not meeting her expectations/ that she is not meeting her expectations. In case you are wondering if my female owner is being an impossible perfectionist, she was actually referring to basic things like record keeping, assignments and other clinical work which she should have done by now, but had been sitting on them (for whatever reasons).

Then almost immediately, God told her that the things that He has in store/ going to do for her are going to be well above her expectations, because He is able to do exceedingly, abundantly above more than she can ever think of or imagine.

My female owner has also been struggling with her previous decision to resign from her previous organisation. She’s sure that going to Brisbane is part of God’s plan but she has not been sure if it is God’s plan for her to take the sponsorship or be self-funded. She shared her heart-felt issues with someone recently and the person told her that even though sometimes you may not know for sure if you are following God’s plan, as long as your heart is right, God will lead you in the right direction.

Existential questions.

switch off

My female owner is in a switch off mode. So switched off and conflicted that I was not able to pinpoint what she was feeling or contemplating about. I gave up trying.

Let's just say that there are some days when you feel so overwhelmed by the tasks ahead of you that you just switch off and quit doing anything. At the same time, you know that by switching off and quitting, you are only adding to your problems and making matters worse because you now have less time to deal with the rest of your tasks.

She's in that state now. It's like being stuck in a marathon where the endpoint is constantly shifted backwards. So no matter how she steel herself to face the road ahead, or tries to pace herself, she can't see the endpoint (or even just the distance markers). She also likens herself to a hamster running on the wheel... running hard but going nowhere.

As to why she is in that state, or how she got herself into that state, or whether that state is real or perceived, I was not able to decipher.

Cheers to end of exams!