yay

My female owner has been wondering why she tends towards being depressed. It probably started at a young age. The first time she thought of killing herself was before the age of 12, probably about 9 or 10. She pictured herself slashing her wrists or stabbing herself. She was unhappy at home, because she was a latch-key kid with little freedom. The next period of time she thought of ending her life was in junior college, where she couldn’t cope with her studies and her BGR. This time, she didn’t really think of how she would kill herself. She just had a stress ball (bright yellow smiling face) where she would ink dark words on. She spent a lot of time crying in front of her Physics teacher (poor teacher!). Surprisingly, even though she had been mildly dysfunctional, the cell group which she led grew in strength, numerically and spiritually.

The final period of time she realised she had suicide-like thoughts and behaviour was sometime within the past few years, where she struggled with an unfulfilling job and BGR. There were many times when she wished she would “just disappear” (a very common thought that suicidal people have). She went to work feeling really low and thought that she had split personalities because she would be counseling depressed clients, putting on an optimistic front even though she just had a big argument the night before. Sometimes, she stayed in office during lunchtime and cried.

Today, she went to school to take a practical exam. While waiting for the results of the exam (it was a one-to-one feedback session with the clinic manager), she received her grade for one of the papers she sat for last week. Having received grades for all her completed courses, she realised that
i) bad results (defined as not getting what she wants) made her feel lousy about herself whereas
ii) good results (defined as getting the same as the class average or best possible grade) did not make her feel good about herself.

Back to my first statement. My female owner probably knows the reasons and can even identify the maintaining factors (as all psychologists are trained to do), but just as a knife cannot cut itself, she’s probably not going to use any psychological techniques on herself. But she knows she cannot go on this way and she is going to do something about it.

Yay!