ouch

And so, my female owner claims that she forgot to bring us to Onli Fren's house to be cooked. Hence, they had to settle for ABC soup comprising of sweet corn, tomato, carrot, potato and spare ribs.

Pork with red peppers and onion (ironically, the pork came from Kangarooland)
the anyhow put together egg tofu with prawns
And no, they didn't cook Baby. Thought that I should put the first human face ever on my Turtle Pad. Anyway, my female owner had this fleeting thought to borrow Baby to show her aikido friends... claiming that it is hers...

Onli Frens tell you the truth, even when it hurts:

My female owner was whining to Onli Fren last night that she had no clothes to wear in Singapore because she grew fatter ... and Onli Fren offered to lend my female owner her maternity clothes!

Second Onli Fren was talking about how Onli Fren had progress in life, as compared to her or my female owner. My female owner replied to Second Onli Fren "at least you are younger than me!" and Second Onli Fren said "yah, you are really far behind, cannot deny that".

Ouch.

Frens

The day started wrong for us turtles. My female owner had a big hand in it. She was supposed to spend the day at her Onli Fren’s house, cooking and baking (so auntie!). Clueless about what Asian dishes to cook, my female owner suggested brewing turtle soup as a joke. Somebody please tell her that things can never be joked about. It was ever more scary when she identified Nanook and myself as the main ingredients (coz we are not as smart as the boys, and we are her ex-bf’s pets).

Oh well… it was with a big sign of relief when she left the house, without us. She sounded so serious at one point in time, coz she said that I should be cooked, because I eat more than Dodo!

Anyway, it turned out to be a relaxing nua day for my female owner as she spent the time with her Onli Fren and Baby. The sweetener came when her Second Onli Fren came by. Ah, a rare chance to be surrounded with her Onli Frens!

The three gals had known one another for more than 10 years and Second Onli Fren (the youngest of the three) couldn’t help but compare where each of them were in terms of life stages. Onli Fren had progress the most in her life – graduated, worked, got attached, married, honeymoon-ed, pregnant, baby. Second Onli Fren: graduated, worked, attached. Female owner: graduated, back to studies.

Ah.. true to her second nature of being a turtle, my female owner was the slowest in life. As what Onli Fren said “you wasted your youth on him”. So true. 7 years of her life with a guy who personifies AGAB. No thanks to her indecisiveness, naivety and blind faith. There’s nothing she can do about the wasted years and dwelling about the lost years ain’t going to bring back her youth.

What does Jesus say about this? Perhaps Jeremiah 29:11? My female owner’s favourite verse.

shape

Contrary to expectations, my female owner hasn’t gone for any aikido lessons since she came back to Sunny Singapore. In fact, she didn’t make contact with any of her aikido mates. Can you believe it? Her social-phobic genes were in full gear… and she found it strange to be contacting people to say “hey! I’m back!”. A few of them know that she is back, only because they MSN-ed her to check (so sweet!)

Anyway, because her aikido instructor (of whom Onli Fren has conjured up strange hypotheses!) is currently in Nepal, my female owner decided to wait until he returns before attending class. Meanwhile, she spends her time eating, sleeping and reading.

Ah… at this rate she is going, no hope of her getting into shape! Speaking of which, my female owner has (wisely) decided not to buy any new clothes until she is about to leave… in case she puts on more weight from now till then.

free lance

On looking back at the year that flew by, my female owner thinks that she led a “free-lance” year. The year started with her clearing leave from her previous organisation (i.e. she went to work sporadically) and preparing to move to Brisbane. In Brisbane, she had lessons only on two days, leaving her with a “flexi-schedule” (an oxymoron, if you know what she went through) for the rest of the week. Back in Singapore now, she is supposedly on holiday but is holding two flexi-hours jobs in-between meeting up with people.

Hence, 2008 is a year where she was left pretty much to her own devices. Living on her own, she accounted to no one for her whereabouts. It was really independent solo living, "come and go as the wind". In addition, she was accountable to no one but herself to complete what she needed/ wanted to. She set her own work goals and planned her schedule to meet them “own time own target”. She could stay home the whole day with the laptop in front of her in the name of work and no one would query “why you never go work/ school?” She also mastered that art of looking as if she is working hard but is actually on MSN (not difficult to master apparently), much to the amusement of many of her course-mates.

I think my female owner found it refreshing that she is no longer doing work just for the sake of doing (sai kang, as many can identify with her). She no longer has to meet dodgy key performance indicators, or market herself in the workplace by doing presentations that she don’t believe in or planning for operations that were nothing but wayang shows to justify her colleagues’ existence, and being dumped with all kinds of random work in the name of “exposure” and being “junior”.

east

Before my female owner left for Singapore, her bible study group leader spoke to her about attending a church/ bible study group while she is in Singapore. She termed it as “spiritual relapse prevention”. She told him upfront that she would attend Sunday services but would be unlikely to attend any bible study groups coz she is “social phobic and do not want to make efforts in getting to know people in such a short time”

Apparently God has other plans. In one random moment, she wrote a FB tagline which says “wonders what to do in Singapore”. It was just a random thought in which she did not expect any reaction from the cyber-community. However, in the many who responded to her, one was a distant Christian ex-colleague who invited her to his church and bible study group.

And for some reason, my female owner agreed to attend both… and she wonders why… especially since the venue is in far far east… where she doesn’t have a direct bus service and when her former church is just a ten minute walk away.

sabotaged

My female owner has been wondering who bothers to read what I write. She tried to identify the readers with her Potahto Fren today and came up with a list.

1) Potahto (of course!)
2) Her Onli Fren
3) The female Couple Fren
4) Intuitive Fren
5) Klayhead
6) Q
7) Mr Squabbles (?)
8) Sunflower (?)
9) Avalon (?)
10) Ser (?)

And I realised that my female owner sabotaged my efforts at being anonymous/ private. She left comments on her Intuitive Fren’s blog using MY identity… which effectively announced my cyber-presence to their mutual friends who might access his blog.

Brilliant. Let me sulk in the corner

heels

For the first time in 10 months, my female owner wore her working heels yesterday. You see, she was geared up for a job interview (which she got – Praise God). My female owner wore flats 95% of the time in Brisbane as they were more comfortable, making it easier for her to move around in school. And also, she didn’t want to tower over people any more. What a difference 10 months made!

She once prided herself as being able to run in heels and skirt. It was not the case anymore. For one, she found it disorienting to be 8cm taller. Suddenly the ground seemed much further, going down stairs more challenging and people are much shorter.

More concerning, she felt the impact of her dodgy left knee as she struggled to stay balanced on her heels. The strain was new to her and so she concluded that her dodgy knee problem escalated in Brisbane.

champagne

My female owner is bored. Having free time is a luxury that she doesn’t know how to handle. She found the 2-week hiatus in July easier to manage. With less time, she was in greater pressure to squeeze out as much catching-ups as she could. Like what her Functional Fren said when he found out that she would be around for two months “huh? You will be around for so long ah, if I know, I meet you in Feb instead.”

And so, with time to spare, my female owner procrastinated in telling people that she is back. There are some friends who are still unaware of her return/ temporary mobile number. Ah… her anti-social genes are spawning! In fact, my female owner didn’t really make plans to meet up with anyone and most of her meet-ups so far had been impromptu/ last minute, except, ironically, with her Impromptu Frens who ever sweetly, planned a Champagne Party for her.

As usual, my female owner enjoyed the company of her Impromptu Frens. It was a special gathering, coz her Librarian Fren was back from her UK studies. Finally, for a brief period of time, the four gals who were fellow comrades in their previous workplace, are together again. An afternoon of doing nothing, but accomplishing lots.

Toasting to their friendship (in unglam non-champagne glasses)

cutesy macaroon cake

Hands of friendship

hmm... Santa on a cracker. My female owner never played with a Christmas cracker before!

gingerbread men

There was a day in the not so distant past when my female owner had an impromptu baking session with her Therapist (this was in Brisbane). They had some time to spare after a workshop in school and decided to do what they always said they would do after their exams… and that was, to bake, using my female owner’s cookie cutters.

Quite quickly, they decided on baking gingerbread men. Even though they had no recipe or idea what ingredients were required, they headed for my female owner’s house. Their plan was to search for a suitable recipe online and innovate if they did not have the required ingredients… and innovate they did (what on earth is molasses?)

Anyway, all’s well that end’s well and here are some photos of their impromptu baking escapade.

the two budding CBT therapists at work (not in the sense of the traditional Cognitive-Behavioural Therapy, but Cooking-Baking Therapy)

their fluffy gingerbread men blink-blink turtle
check out this turtle with eggs.. hope my female owner wasn't thinking of me when she made this for her Onli Fren..
check out the happy feetthe random cookies...

meaningless

My female owner was reasonably frustrated yesterday (Friday), to the point that she forgot to feed us.

Firstly, she had been sneezing ever since she got back to Singapore (that is Wed night). Her sneezing fits are usually very serious, running into hundreds/ day, leaving her exhausted and feverish.

As if that was not enough, she was arrowed to attend a distant relative’s wedding by her father who didn’t want to go. The relative was so distant that she didn’t know how they were connected… possibly her father’s cousin’s son (is that her second degree cousin?). And to be more specific, it would probably be her father’s mother’s brother’s son’s son. She also didn’t know who to congratulate (i.e. who the groom’s parents were).

Anyway, she had to drive her father’s new car to the hotel, chauffeuring her mother and auntie. The drive was shocking and unpleasant, with rude drivers who did not bother to signal their intentions to reckless drivers who made illegal u-turns to inconsiderate drivers who cut into her lane. A far cry from Brisbane drivers.

Reaching the wedding in a foul and prejudiced mood about “wasting her time (specifically her first Friday night in Singapore) at a wedding that means nothing to her”, it was no wonder that the time was pure torture to her. Food sucked, service slow, company boring, body tired, nose itchy etc..

Ah, never force my female owner to be in an unfamiliar social setting without a good reason. She will make her unhappiness so obvious that you wished you never asked her.

dinner

For those who are wondering, yes, my female owner’s mother was appropriately surprised when she came home from work to find my female owner at home. In her words, “I almost had a heart attack!”

Anyway, they went out for a traditional Chinese dinner to celebrate my female owner’s mother’s birthday.

Yummy!

The menu...

the "traditional" shot which my female owner's parents readily obliged Samsui Ginger Chicken. My female owner fulfilled her cravings for yummy chicken Puk Kay & Tong Sam with Black Chicken Soup. Not sure what that means, but as long as it's not turtle soup... I don't careAnything spicy is good...

contain

My female owner says that when God pours out His grace upon your life, it overflows and you cannot contain it.

Today, my female owner received an email from the clinic manager, with the title “proud of you!”. She thought it was a mass email to all interns, congratulating everyone on completing her (stinky) internship folios.

Turns out that it was an email written to her, and cc-ed to her CMI supervisor. The clinic manager wrote to inform my female owner that one of her clients was so impressed by the service provided by my female owner that she donated $200 to the clinic. The clinic manager added that in her years at the clinic, she never “had a spontaneous donation or such a great unsolicited testimonial”.

I suppose this gesture spoke volumes as the client is a full-time student who is working part-time to support herself. She presented to the clinic to get a neuropsychological assessment of her current cognitive functioning so that she could apply for disability services when she starts university next year. My female owner was the bearer of bad news as she had to tell her client that she has a learning disorder, with low average IQ, writing difficulties etc etc. Hence, to craft an email to the university (my female owner was not sure where it was addressed to, but the head of the school of psychology was the one who emailed the clinic manager) would have taken much effort on her client’s part.

It was also a public acknowledgement of my female owner’s interpersonal skills and professionalism. This is important in light of her CMI supervisor’s recent criticism that one of her shortcomings was her accent (as if she can change that) and understanding of local colloquialism. The gesture also provided more evidence for her that “she is not as bad as she thinks she is”.

back

After waiting for an extra day, my female owner finally came home! True to her old habits, the moment she reached home, she came to find us at the Balcony. We were engaged in our usual activities of yoga, meditation and self-reflection.

Me!! Haiz... my female owner said that I put on weight again!!

That's us in a line..

Dodo, getting so excited that he was trying to break through the barricade.

Dodo, in my female owner's palm. So tame.

unwanted

I was looking forward to seeing my female owner last night. I was so disappointed (the rest of my siblings too). This was what happened.

My female owner’s Onli Fren (hubby and baby included) and her Second Onli Fren received her at the airport. In spite of her paranoia about her plane crashing (no thanks to some bad press recently; seriously, my female owner never felt so jittery before, especially when they kept putting on the seat-bealt sign in anticipation of turbulence), my female owner landed safely at about 2000hr. After cooing at Baby and giving some professional opinion about him, my female owner headed home with her Second Onli Fren. Passing by Ikea at Tampines along the expressway, they made an impromptu detour towards it. By then, it was about 2100hr. My female owner decided to get her Second Onli Fren to call her father to let him know that she would be back about 2300hr to surprise her mother.

Over the telephone, her father started to say some stuff that Second Onli Fren could not understand. Perplexed, she passed the phone to my female owner. His first words to my female owner were:

“Don’t come home tonight. Come back tomorrow at about 9-10 in the morning”

??

It turned out that her father did not want her to go home last night!!! Rather, he wanted her to stay away till today so that she could turn up on her mother’s actual birthday to surprise her.

Then where did he expect my female owner to stay?! This is where one starts to understand what being “Onli Frens” meant. My female owner looked over to her Second Onli Fren who readily agreed to house her for the night (and I’m sure, for as many nights as my female owner needed).

Ahh.. my female owner mused about being in a situation where her father did not want her to go back and being uncontactable from everyone (she didn't have any SIM card). For a while, my female owner felt that she could disappear from the surface of the earth and no one would even know.

bomber

On going through the departure security bag checks, my female owner was pulled aside by two security officers. Her belongings were screened for explosives and a body search was conducted on her. My female owner was calm about it, but she couldn’t help but wonder why she was singled out by the officers. Coming from the security industry, my female owner knows that there is nothing random about this. Especially when the same thing happened to her at the JFK airport last year (however, that time she was in a rush and that might have aroused some “suspicions”).

Which part of her looks like a suicide bomber? She was dressed in jeans, with a red tank top, sandals and her trusty yellow backpack. She didn’t even look as if she was bulging (she thinks!).

krispy kreme

My female owner realised that she should have more faith in her prayers. She had a nagging suspicion that her luggage was overweight. The baggage allowance was officially 20 kg but one can push the limit to about 25kg. Lugging her luggage around Brisbane City, she knew that she probably hit 30kg.

Ah, so while she waited patiently in line to check-in and in between reading “Opening Skinner’s Box”, a book which one of her friends lent her to bring to Brisbane to read (in the event that she is bored… and yes, she procrastinated reading the book until now, when she is on the way back to Singapore!), she prayed for God’a favour to be upon her. So that she can scrap through without having to pay for excess baggage (some of the weight belonged to her research supervisor, who asked her to bring some books to Singapore).

After an hour of waiting (yes, it was that slow..), she was at the head of the queue. She eyed each counter staff with anxiety… hoping to get the most friendly looking one. She observed the one and only male counter staff who was giving the male passenger he was serving a hard time. This stern looking middle-aged man insisted on weighing even the male passenger’s hand luggage.

To her horror, Mr Stern-looking served her next. With fear and apprehension, my female owner went forward, dragging luggage (hoping that it looked light), carrying her backpack and holding three boxes of Krispy Kreme.

SL: “No Krispy Kreme” (was the first thing he said to her).

FO: Stunned look.

SL: “You’ve got to leave those here” (gesturing to the counter top).

As what a submissive Asian Singaporean girl would do, my female owner obeyed (thinking how her Onli Frens were going to be disappointed)

Meekly she asked: “May I know why?” (she thought it was some new regulation)

SL: “Because I like them, that’s why”

Breaking into a smile, my female owner knew that all was good (Aussie slang).

They did a little small talk about Krispy Kreme and how he shocked her.

Next, weighing the luggage – she watched as the number crept up to 29kg. *sweat*

SL: “It should be 25kg” (gently and quietly)

FO: “Thank you so much.” (with a knowing smile)

There you go, she breezed through with an overweight luggage and a funny experience to remember. Ironically, just before this, she was reading the chapter on Stanley Milgram and Obedience to Authority.

9 weeks

What can you accomplish in 9 weeks? How much can you change in 9 weeks? What kind of memories, experiences and impact can you make in 9 weeks?

9 weeks. That’s how long my female owner is going to be in Singapore. 9 weeks is exactly 2 months, 1/6 of a year. 9 weeks is 2/3 of a 13-week academic semester, which is about the time when assignments are due.

What difference can 9 weeks make? Onli Fren’s baby is about 9 weeks old. You can lose about 5kg in 9 weeks. You can finish a short-term course in 9 weeks e.g. beginners’ salsa/ foreign language/ cooking.

What lies ahead for my female owner?
Special days: Her mother’s birthday, Christmas, her 18th birthday, New Year’s day, Chinese New Year.

Resumption of favourite activities: Aikido (top of her list), badminton, exercising (??), suppers, catching up with old friends, hanging out with Singaporean friends whom she made in Brisbane, baking with her Onli Fren and Brisbane-Singaporean friends, drinking (in moderation) with Potahto, playing with us turtles!

Food she must eat: all things Asian - laksa, chicken rice, carrot cake, char kway teow, chicken curry, nasi lemak, chilli crab, durians, Old Chang Kee chicken wings, Shilin mee sua, mother’s cooking of course, roti prata, mutton soup, mee goreng (the real one, not the instant noodle), Ajisen ramen noodle, satay, otar, kopitiam kopi. Desserts – ice kacang, chendol, mango sago, iced longan,

Places to visit: AMK Hub, St James Power Station, Orchard Road and the like, East Coast Beach, Geylang (for the food), Bukit Timah, Pulau Ubin (anybody wanna go with her?!)

Others: Short getaway with her Impromptu friends, hosting Brisbane-made friends

Un-fun stuff: Hopefully secure free-lance work, statistical analysis for RA work, meeting up with her research supervisor (who will be teaching at the local university), tidy up her laptop, read up on her thesis

5/92

And so, one significant period of my female owner’s life ended as she bode farewell to 5/92 Macquarie Street, the apartment which she called home for the last ten months. 5/92, being her maiden abode in Brisbane, holds sweet memories for her. Sharing living space with three other girls (highest number was seven ladies in a night) is a totally new experience for my female owner. Remember that all her life, she has lived with her parents and her elder brother. No other same-aged females around.

There is a saying that goes “wherever you are, there you are”. It is true to a large extent. In her previous job, my female owner tended to camp in her office, minding her own business and doing her own work. She hardly wandered out to socialise with the rest of the department. It was disturbing for her boss because he often had to pop in to see if she is ok (or maybe to check if she wass working). The same pattern could be seen from 5/92. My female owner tended to stay in her room (which she regards as her home office) to do her work. She hardly ventured out. She likened her apartment to an office space where people walked in and out throughout the day. In this case, the “colleagues” are church friends/ acquaintances who popped into her house for various reasons (often having nothing to do with her). And as with her former job, she would make time to chat with anyone who dared to step into her workspace to say hi.

Anyway, 5/92 was a lovely place to stay. It was a shame that my female owner never really took time to enjoy the river view that screamed out from the balcony, or the entertainment system in the living room and most sadly, the fellowship of church people when they popped in.

Oh well, all good things must come to an end. What remains are the good memories and friendships formed.

last

10 months flew by, with the snap of her fingers. My female owner went to Brisbane, feeling alone, vulnerable and reluctant, pursuing her life-long dusty dream of being a clinical psychologist. A dream she laid aside for many years, in the name of romantic love.

She arrived at Brisbane, not knowing many people, far from God, being the way she had always been – dysthymic, anxious and self-doubting. The course did nothing to validate her self-worth, self-esteem and abilities. Competency assessments served to remind her of her inadequacies, that she was “not there yet”. Assignments drew out the neurotic, anal side of her. Soon, my female owner realised that she had to give up the perfectionistic streak in her and be prepared to settle for “good enough”.

Coming from a CBT orientation, my female owner also started to be more aware of her own negative thoughts and how she placed unnecessary pressure on herself. She was anxious about being an Asian therapist. She wondered all the time, whether her clients discriminated against her.

Assimilating into an English-speaking culture took longer than she expected. The local slang and jargon were hard to grasp. Her Singaporean accent was so strong that she had to remind herself to tone down and speak slower. She couldn’t understand why Aussies used phrases that they did not mean, like “see you later”. Speaking in a modified accent was tiring. My female owner started to withdraw from people socially. She needed the space to be by herself.

Being among God-loving people was great. However, her self-consciousness about her age caused her to remain distant from most of her church friends. She chose not to join them for activities which were “for younger people”. Still, some were earnest and sincere in building relationships with her and gradually, she warmed up to a select few. Yet, at the end of the day, my female owner still griped about how she was not able to connect to most of them on an emotional and intimate level.

Ten months on, my female owner claims that she has changed and become more balanced.

She has developed a more balanced view of herself (“I am not as lousy as I think I am” – haha, still has some room for improvement!). She is no longer dysthymic – Praise God for the healing. She is more aware of her different emotions. Not everything is depression. She has learnt to accept her weight and body shape. Although all boys are bad, she no longer wants to throw stones at them. Right.. what I meant to say is that while my female owner is still feministic, she doesn’t think that all guys are bad anymore.

While she has not resolved her personal awkwardness about being older than most of her church friends, my female owner realised that she needs to change her mindset and be more open to relating to younger people as she would to her same-aged peers. She picked up some local lingo and integrated some into her daily speech – “hey”, “no drama”, “no worries”, “you’re alright”, “organise a time”, “would that work for you?” etc.

Now that it is the last night before she bids Brisbane farewell (temporarily), my female owner is pleasantly surprised that she feels sad about leaving. She never thought she would be sad or have any emotional attachment for Brisbane so quickly. Personally, I’m not sure if it is because my female owner has gotten used to the lifestyle and therefore, upset at the change in routine, or that she feels bonded to Brisbane. Nonetheless, my female owner says that Aussies are really nice and endearing people. She had been blessed by people from all walks of life – her cohort, her clients, her lecturers, her church friends, strangers… The warmth and hospitality shown by the locals were heartwarming and brought delight to her.

Ah.. I'm so tired.. I shall continue another day.. I need to plan a welcome-back Balcony party for my female owner.

hectic

My female owner’s last day in Brisbane was hectic.

Slept at 0300hr: Was packing her things and doing some heavy duty reading for her RA work.

Woke up at 0545hr. To give the washing machine enough time to wash her clothes as she needs to get out of the house by 0700hr.

0700hr: left the house to return the rental car for her housemate. My female owner had to rent the car for her housemate because she was the only person above 18+++++++ years old..

0740hr: caught the bus in the city back to school.

0810hr: prepared for meeting with her research supervisor.

0930hr: meeting (tried to look as if she did a lot of work, not sure if she succeeded)

1015hr: misc clinic work. Ran around trying to get people to sign administrative papers. Sent emails. Made phone-calls.

1130hr: caught the bus to Indooroopilly Shopping Centre

1200hr: looked around for stuff

1400hr: caught the bus to Toowong (or so she thought). Realised after 15mins that she was on the wrong bus… coz she found herself travelling in the wilderness, with grass and grazing horses. Kept sitting in the bus, hoping to go by a train station.

1420hr: decided to cut her losses and turn back. Her Intuitive Fren also happened to sms her at that time. By God’s grace, the bus arrived as she crossed over to the other side of the road. The friendly and empathetic bus-driver told her to take a seat when she told him that she was lost. So nice! You will never get that in Singapore.

1445hr: Reached Indooroopilly Shopping Centre (déjà vu?) Waited for her Intuitive Fren to come to pick her up.

1545hr: Finally came!

1600hr: Reached home. Continued her frantic packing (coz she needed to move at 2030hr tonight), in between talking to her Onli Fren.

1715hr: Left her packing and set off for school for a silly meeting. Got waylaid by some friends along the way to school.

1730hr: Meeting started. My female owner was in her usual meeting mode, i.e. disengaged.

1900hr: Pizza and wine dinner (she skipped the wine). Tried to avoid her CMI supervisor.

2000hr: Rushed home to finish packing.

2030hr: Her friends arrived to help her move.

2115hr: Walked home from her friend’s house. Called a church friend to arrange for another birthday celebration (never-ending!)

2130hr: Reached home. Finally, end of a hectic day of appointments. At some ease (coz still need to clear her room). MSN with Potahto and her Neighbour. Packed her luggage for Singapore. She suspects that she is overloaded again. Made herself a cup of coffee. She wanted to spend some time reflecting on the year.

Actually, that rushing from place to place, appointment to appointment had been her typical lifestyle for the past 9 months, except that in addition to that, she would be doing her coursework at night.

How did she survive with 4hrs of sleep? Oh! Did I mention that she weighed herself at 1115hr and realised that she lost 1.8kg?!

laughter

All through this year, my female owner had been too busy to join her church friends for most of their social activities, be it dinner after church or girls’ outing to somewhere or sports events.

It was only last night, that my female owner managed to tear herself away from her work to make tentative plans to meet three church gals for dinner. The plans were tentative because the gals had gone to the Gold Coast for a Wet and Wild adventure while my female owner spent her day in school, seeing clients. Such a loser! In her last week in Brisbane, my female owner was still frantically seeing clients. She didn’t even need the hours anymore. Credit to her, all she wanted was to help her clients as much as she can before she goes back. Hence, she never once thought of giving herself a client break.

That dinner turned out to be one of the most enjoyable gatherings my female owner ever had in Brisbane. It was a comfortable group size of five (Intuitive Fren hopped on impromptu-ly, so it was 4 gals and 1 boy). Squashed together into a small car, what else can you do but to chat and banter and laugh at anything and everything.

For the first time since she came to Brisbane, my female owner laughed with the same intensity as she used to do in Singapore with her good friends. Putting five people of different nationalities together (Bruneian, Chinese, Hongkonger, Australian and Singaporean) and making them speak English is simply creating a recipe for random silliness, pure innocence, and unexpected jokes (check out what Intuitive Fren wrote, starting from paragraph 5 of entry dated 9 Dec – too lazy to rewrite lah… must work smart, his English is definitely much better than a 6 year old turtle. hope it’s ok…).

Ah, those funny times, sorely missed by my female owner. She finally reconstructed some of it just before she returns home. Better late than never I suppose.

18th

My female owner was tickled by what happened during church service today.

You see, she was late for service and ended up sitting two rows behind where she would normally sit (i.e. among her bible study group members). From where she was seated, she saw them passing around a card to sign. My female owner reckoned that was a birthday card. She was perplexed, coz she was in charge of birthday celebrations and she knew that all birthdays were accounted for… except hers. Her suspicions grew as she observed the last guy trying to sneak the card into its envelope. And her suspicions mounted when no one passed the card to her to sign, especially when there were a few members sitting in the same row as her (yah, all late!)

Anyway, she didn’t really care and went about minding her own business. After service, she did the usual stuff – which was sit in her chair and observe the activities around her.

Randomly, from two rows in front, somebody handed the person sitting next to her, a hand-written note written on a folded envelope. The note instructed her bible study group members to meet outside the theatre at 1800hr sharp. This was not unusual, as the group would sometimes gather outside to receive mass announcements.

What happened next was unexpected. My female owner, for some unknown reason, turned the folded envelope around, and saw another handwritten note, which carried a similar message, except that it had an additional line…which was to meet outside to celebrate my female owner’s birthday.

Wahaha. My female owner was so stunned, amused and tickled that she just burst out into fits of giggles. The orchestrator of the surprise celebration looked at her in disbelief. People around her also looked stunned.

Nonetheless, it was a sweet gesture on their part, to try to surprise and bless her with a birthday celebration, before she comes home to us turtles. They gave her a card which read “happy 18th birthday” *grinz* (some sweet people even wished her happie 18th birthday!), a turtle card and a home-baked chocolate cake, complete with two yummy looking chocolate roses.

unfamiliar

My female owner is in an unfamiliar state of being – the state of being without pressing deadlines. This is probably the first weekend in a long while where she has no assignments or assessments due in the following week. The feeling is so foreign, so random, that she doesn’t know what to do.

Sure, there are things she could do, but those were things that did not warrant urgent deadlines or dire consequences if left undone for a while.

Ah… finally a lazy Saturday of nothingness…

fluffy

My fluffy sister, Nanook, got a (shell)shock of her life when she realised last night that my female owner would be back in a week’s time.

Where had she been? How could she not know?! We turtles had been talking about it for weeks! I think she takes after my female owner in the department of oblivion.


Anyway, fluffy Nanook looked stressed after the realisation hit home. Some coaxing by my skilful brother, Dodo (below), revealed her fears… she was afraid that my female owner would harp on her weight-gain since Jul 08.


Nah, don’t worry about it, I told her. Size is relative. Since my female owner also put on weight, relatively, Nanook would still be the same size. If luck has it, she might even be smaller!

Fluffy Nanook is in the foreground.

saying

My female owner apparently turned manic on Thursday, when she received her official results for her practical exam. That PASS signified the harvest of a year’s worth of hard work, sweat, pain, tears, agony, frustration, helplessness, fear and confusion. It also meant that she triumphed over the toughest year of her programme. She is a survivor!

There is an African saying that it takes a whole village to raise a child. My female owner thinks that the same applies to training a psychologist. Reflecting back on the year, my female owner is certainly grateful to many people who accompanied her on this journey.

Some came in the form of cyber cheerleaders who encouraged her to keep going. Others, especially her intimate friends, verbalised their belief in her abilities when she couldn’t see beyond the next assignment. There were Christian brethren who spoke words of wisdom in her times of searching and pointed her back to God, the ultimate source of help and refuge. In addition, countless undeserved listening ears, shoulders she cried on, helping hands and unreturned favours, each in its perfect timing, contributed to that pass.

Never forgetting, her parents who, in releasing her to pursue her dreams at their emotional and financial expense, demonstrated once again, their unconditional love for her AND us turtles! Patiently waiting for her return.

passed

For those who are wondering if my female owner passed her practical exam, I am happy to say that she passed all four stations with flying colours!

She had been so worried about this practical exam, because if she failed any of the stations, she would have to retake that station(s) in Feb 09. That means she would have a “nagging thought” at the back of her mind while she is back in Singapore. And if she still fails the station(s), she would have to redo her internship. That means, clocking up another 100hours of client hours. Not to mention, paying for the course again.

Anyway, she was and I suppose, still is thankful to God for making the process easier for her. For one, all the stations were “oral”. That means that she didn’t have to do any role-plays! Her greatest bane. And since she has the gift of thinking on her bum during “interview sessions” and a round face that signals that she is harmless, she was able to rattle off her answers.

For some unknown reason, all her examiners told her right after her “show and tell” sessions that she passed. They were not supposed to tell students as results were meant to be released at about 1600hr (my female owner later found out that not everyone was told immediately if they passed, so she boiled it down to God’s favour!). Anyway, knowing right away that she passed is certainly less nerve-wrecking and anxiety-provoking than having to wait for 6hrs to find out.

Thirdly, she absolutely didn’t prepare for the question that came out for one of her stations. But because she had been assigned two clients with the same issues as the case scenario, my female owner managed to answer the questions that followed. She knew she did well, coz her examiner who was the clinical programme director, wrote that my female owner “demonstrated excellent knowledge base”. How’s that for not even studying child issues?

So, with a grateful heart, my female owner gives all credit to God for the favour, knowledge and calmness He showered upon her during that agonising hour.

sounds

I think this sounds like my female owner. I've heard her Onli Fren and Functional Fren chastise her on some of the following points. Maybe they should note the second statement... before they attempt to bring her to her senses...

Such individuals are often characterised by pessimism and self-doubt, tend to belittle their abilities and assets, and may constantly refer to themselves as “stupid”. They take criticism and disapproval as proof of their worthlessness and lose faith in themselves. They may seek overprotection and dominance from others. Occupational functioning may be impaired if independent initiative is required. They may avoid positions of responsibilities and become anxious when faced with decisions. Social relations tend to be limited to those few people on whom the individual is dependent. They may be an increased risk of Mood Disorders, Anxiety Disorders, and Adjustment Disorder.

stressest

My female owner is in the “stressest period of her academic life”. She has a practical exam on Thursday where she needs to pass all four stations… otherwise she fails the arduous internship (yes, the one where she is being supervised by a CMI person).

She is so stressed, it is NOT funny. Imagine having to cramp ethics principles and guidelines, with diagnostic criteria of various psychological disorders (and knowing how to differentiate similar disorders), with the know-hows of therapy like relaxation training and cognitive restructuring, and tricks to deal with process issues like resistant client, non-compliance with homework etc… And to apply the knowledge and skills to any population group - children, adolescents, adults or older adults.

And after cramping in so much, you have no idea how you will be tested – written? Oral? Role-play?

My female owner realised fairly quickly that she is a typical Singaporean – she does well in written exams. Oral? Err… maybe back home, she probably aced interviews and trainings but in Brisbane, there seems to be a missing connection between the examiner and her. Role-plays? Evokes the greatest amount of anxiety in her. As if thinking on her bum is bad enough, now she has to respond to a role-player whose sole mission is to bring out the worst in her.

Everyone, please pray that she passes the four stations on Thursday.

pay

Now that my female owner is no longer drawing an income (she hasn’t worked out payment details for her RA job yet), she is living on her mother’s money again. My female owner did a rough calculation of how much of her mother’s money was used since she arrived back in Brisbane in July and it came to a grand total of AUD$900 (which includes $600 rent)! That means that for Semester 2, the only expenses she incurred was firstly, the hefty school fees of $10, 815 and the recent spending of AUD$900. The rest of the time, she survived on her miserly $580/ fortnight (for 13 weeks) pay, which somehow covered comfortably, her $300/fortnight rent, food and snacks, transport and occasional dining-outs!

Wow. It’s true. When you have less, you spend less.

terror

My female owner is shaken by the news of a 28-year-old Singaporean woman who died as a terrorist hostage in Mumbai.

There are many reasons why the news hit her hard, no doubt, possessing similar demographics is one. Looking at the victim’s Friendster account, my female owner had no doubt that the victim was an ordinary Singaporean who went about life minding her own business , just that she was caught in the wrong place at the wrong time and the scent of life was sniffed out from her abruptly. No one would ever expect her to die as Singapore’s first terrorist hostage victim.

Another reason is because of my female owner’s previous work. What was once theoretical knowledge gleaned from case studies, trainings and role-plays have now become reality. No amount of training can adequately prepare one to deal with the harsh realities, cruelty and consequences of terrorism.

My female owner received a further shock to her system when she stumbled upon a video recording of a gunshot scene in Mumbai. Hey, the gunshots she heard were real, the bleeding hand belonged to a human being, capable of feeling pain and shock, the chaos experienced by countless caught on film was real. No longer an enactment for a stupid training video or a thing of distant history. This is fresh, real-time happenings. No denying the trauma being inflicted directly on the victims at the scene and scores of secondary victims.

Confronted with the fragility of life, the uncertainty of tomorrow and the brevity of peace, how would you choose to live your present life?

Certainly by not revisiting the memories of the past and wishing you can rework the regrets and mistakes, or foretelling the future and hoping that things will change for the better, but by relishing in the gift of the present, by embracing whatever that life has to offer, because cliché as it sounds, it is not how long you live, but how you live your life.

It’s a choice that lies within everyone.

finger

My female owner finally managed to put a finger to the feeling she has been having regarding going back to Singapore. For a while, she had been wondering why she was feeling blue about leaving Brisbane (the way she felt blue weeks before leaving Singapore to go to Brisbane in Feb this year). She was confused about her feeling coz she knew that she wasn’t sad to “leave Brisbane behind”. (If she is, I would be really upset! That Singapore had been so quickly replaced by Brisbane!)

Today, she finally realised that the feeling she is having is the same as when she was leaving her first job. Many people will cite the last week of their job as being relaxed to the point of just “clocking in the hours” just before they leave. My female owner had resigned from her first job in a rush (to join her second company) and within that one month, she rushed to complete obligations, tidy up her files and prepare for handover.

This is the situation my female owner is facing now. She will be back in less than two weeks’ time. Before she leaves, she has to complete the following:

• Prepare for her practical exam (and pray that she passes all four stations or risk delaying her programme)
• Submit her Internship Folio (believe me when I say it’s a mountain of paperwork)
• Read up on her research data and look at the data (by 1 Dec in fact)
• Do some RA work (i.e. call up people to do follow-up with them)
• Continue to see her clients and other routine clinic work
• Pack her room and move her things to her friend’s house (packing means sorting out her school notes, clothes and other what-have-you into boxes)
• Consolidate a training manual for a children’s programme
• Dedicate one day to a church’s event
• Dedicate a night of celebration or drowning her sorrows (depending on whether she passes her practical exam)

Note: In the midst of all these, she has no time to exercise but has plenty of time to snack.

predictions

Wonder what stressed out provisonally-registered psychologists do to cope? One of them, my female owner's Therapist, started to dabble into horoscope-writing, for three of them (the Therapist, a Singapore Fren and my female owner)


Predictions for 2009:

The dreaded duchess will reappear again to engage us in warfare once more next year - albeit in different disguises.. I believe [Therapist] will be one who has an international background with plenty of mental issues whilst [Singapore Fren] yours was one who was very calculative. I believe [Female Owner]'s duchess will appear in 2010 in the guise of a person with multiple personalities...
these are my predictions for the year ahead as we wind down to a well-deserved break in 2008. 2009 will toss us mountains of challenges to conquer, it will also bring us joy, happiness and that dash of optimism, but only if we are astute enough to see it. But once you have, 2009 will bring rainbows even in the midst of the darkest clouds.
for the latest predictions for your future, please make an appointment with me in Singapore in dec and jan.

yours sincerely,
[Therapist]-the-jester-part-time-oracle

fee

My female owner applied for a fee scholarship from her university but was unsuccessful, despite having outstanding grades (6.67 out of 7) for her first semester and a letter of recommendation from her research supervisor (who is a Professor).

She had prayed to get this scholarship and although she didn’t get it, and did ask God why, she was not sorely upset or disappointed. It was more like, sheesh, now she has to go back to Papa-mama scholarship.

She tried to convince her Onli Fren to invest in her education with promises of free psychological services, neuropsychological assessments and parenting programmes. Onli Fren came up with a compromise – that she will “feed” her when they spend time together in Singapore.

Then my female owner started to wonder why she didn’t have 48 000 friends. Coz if she has, she can ask each one to donate $1 to her education fund.. and that will cover her remaining school fees.

hamster

My female owner has been largely missing. She got into this routine of reaching school in the late morning (about 1000hr) and staying in school to do what she needs to do until about 0000hr. She likens her situation to a hamster (think of hamsters running tirelessly on their wheel… expending so much energy but going nowhere). Okies, it is not as depressing as I make it out to be.

The places she shuttles to and fro are the two clinic receptions, the computer room, the numerous clinic rooms, the pantry and the washroom. And they are all located on the same level, within a building that is circular. Hence, the hamster bit.

You know, I secretly think that she is clocking such long hours, so that she can avoid exercising. She is so good at replacing an undesirable activity with something that seems more important.

But I must say that she has been productive. Within these few days, she closed 7 client files, completed 3 neuropsych reports, clocked 8 client hours, did some real therapy during some of those sessions, tidied up client files (which cannot be closed), submitted a new research proposal, clocked some RA hours etc etc.

first

My female owner has been on FB-terms with her first boyfriend. They exchanged some messages recently, with him writing in a manner which he used to write when they were together.

They say that your first love is usually the sweetest and most memorable. Given that my female owner only ever had two boyfriends before and that the second one was a long and painful relationship, it doesn’t take much for anyone to conclude that her first love was indeed her sweetest relationship.

However, to be fair to First Love, it is sweet not just because the other sucks (now I sound like my female owner eh?). There were many other factors too, like the innocent of youth; the times they spent together in each other’s company doing simple things like Maths tutorials (?!), eating fries at Mos Burger, hanging out in school; his personality; his generosity; his humour; his physical fitness (although he was shorter than her, he was fit - always attractive to my female owner) and even his bubbly handwriting. That was a period when they were still growing up, where the future was filled with many possibilities and where there was no time pressure to “establish your career”, “save up enough money for….”.

Of course, with great passion came great emotional outbursts. As quickly as they came together, they started to have frequent quarrels. I think it has something to do with the close physical proximity and extended time spent together – same class, study together after school till late, live in same suburb, same church (he went to church because of her).

Anyway, my female owner has been looking at his photos on FB recently and mused that he is no longer as cute as he used to be. But of course, everyone ages, even the cute ones. Come December, First Love is expecting his first child with the girl he got attached to after breaking up with my female owner.

My female owner hopes that it will be a boy… who will be as cute as his dad (and charm even more girls than his dad when he grows up…)

fling

My female owner says she just ended her short fling with her contact lenses – she lost the other side of her new contact lenses last night. It was a fluke accident. She held the lens between her thumb and index finger and switched on the tap to wash it under running water. Unfortunately, the water was hot. Instinctively, she withdrew her hand…. And released her grip on her lens as well. She actually heard her lens hit the bathroom floor but was unable to find it despite using a few different methods and strategies.

Sighz.. this is the first time in her XX years of wearing lenses that she lost both sides so quickly. In fact, the closest she came to in the past was losing one side..

A short fling indeed. 4 months.

real

I think my female owner misses us.

She dreamt of us yesterday during one of her rare afternoon naps. Or rather, she dreamt that she had not seen us for a long time and in her dream, it was possible for her to visit us (i.e. we lived just down the street or something). The possibility and accessibility to us was so real, that she woke up disappointed... and somewhat sianz..

Awww…

Why do people choose to leave… when saying goodbye is so hard?

Do Try

Demonstrating the difference between “trying” and “doing”

Please try to pick up the pen lying on the table there next to you.

(Most clients will pick it up).

No, I didn’t say to pick up the pen. I said to try to pick up the pen. Please, again, try to pick up the pen.

(At this point, clients typically either pick up the pen again or move their hand close to it, hovering over it, as if their hand were paralysed.)

No, I didn’t say move your hand toward the pen and then stop. I said try to pick up the pen. Can you do it, or is it simply the case that you either choose to pick up the pen or choose not to? What if trying to ask our boss for that raise we’ve talked about is like trying to pick up the pen?


No! Try not. Do. Or do not. There is no try. [Yoda]

speaks

A picture speaks a thousand words...

gross

My female owner is looking forward to a quiet weekend. All her housemates will be away and so, she will be left alone at home. The house is in a big mess and she reckons that she might do some cleaning, just to appease her OCD tendencies. She was traumatised by a food container that had been left out for days. The spoilt food had become a fertile breeding ground for wiggly worms and flies.

Omigod. So gross.

The sink was choked with large pieces of food and uncleared remnants of food packaging and containers were scattered around the kitchen. And not to mention, the mouldy cheese, wrinkled lemon and kiwis, forgotten and liquefied Krispy Kremes that she saw simply by opening up the refrigerator. She don’t even dare to open the chiller compartment which contains vegetables or perhaps, rotting vegetables.

Simply unbelievable.

switch

My female owner has been skiving since last week. Almost everyday, she has been going out with friends, either for meals, to say goodbye or for walks. It is as if she is making up for lost time (all those months of suppression… being home alone doing endless work to cooking bland foods – she refuses to add salt into her food coz “it’s unnatural” to not exercising).

Anyway, she also caught the procrastination bug (full-blown). Now, she tends to start work the night before on things she needs to get done for the next day. How heroic! What if someone jio her out for an impromptu activity? Then how is she going to complete her work?! She is certainly over-estimating her ability this time.

After that horrible research paper she submitted recently (and getting a 6 for it and being so upset about it) and a few mishaps yesterday which got her into some hot soup, my female owner decided today to discard (my female owner actually used a vulgarity here… but I insisted on using clean language. It’s my turtle pad after all!) the original research proposal and change to something she has NOT developed interest in. She hopes that she will日久生情 (develop feelings through time). She made the switch because her research supervisor has ready data for her (i.e. she skips the horrible step of recruitment) and she can streamline her workload (since she is most likely going to be his RA working on the same topic anyway). So she gets paid working on her thesis and learning from someone who is a researcher and a practitioner.

Is this called working smart or what? My female owner has reached an age where she is willing to give up frivolous ideals for the convenient reality. Call it mellowing down or jaded. Right now, she rather give up her SM tendencies (doing things the hard way) just so that she can live life properly.

unscathed

Before getting in her current programme, my female owner naively thought that the hardest part about pursuing a Masters course is in getting accepted into the course.

9 months on, she realises that she is so wrong. Getting into the programme no doubt is difficult, but surviving the programme is a totally new ball game.

Not many will go through the programme unscathed. My female owner dare say that all will have, at many points suffered the following: bruised egos, periods of self-doubt, wandering in darkness and blindness, intense emotions such as fear, frustration and helplessness, weight loss (or weight gain), insomnia, panda-looking eyes, regrets and wishful thinking, financial difficulties, pierced spirits, poor health, feelings of being hypocritical and inadequate.

Oh no.. I’m starting to sound so gloomy.. anyway, my female owner has been yearning for home-baked double chocolate chip cookies. She realises (and I’m not surprised at this) that under extreme stress or anxiety, her body cries out for unhealthy food to soothe the mental and emotional upheaval. Healthy foods and exercise do not seem to help.

Given her current bout of stress, I bet she is going to bake another batch soon. And out with the Biggest Loser Competition she is having with her Potahto Fren!

more

My female owner is feeling more stressed and anxious lately. It is strange, coz technically, her coursework is completed and she has lesser deadlines to meet now. But it seems like the reduction in deadlines is making her feel anxious and stressed. The feeling she is currently nursing is one of she should be completing something even though there are no immediate or urgent deadlines to meet.

Also, because it’s end of semester, my female owner wants to spend more time with her friends (you know, get a life, have a life concept?!). While she is happy doing that, there is still this big nag at the back of her mind that she could be spending the time doing her work. Although my female owner refuses to be a slave to her work, her work conscience screams out so loudly at her, it makes her feel anxious, worried and upset.

My female owner realises that she is a good starter, sustainer… but a poor finisher. To her, being a poor finisher of tasks and goals is as good as not starting, since you don’t accomplish what you set out to do. A good example is the way she exercises. She starts ok, goes on without stopping (if possible) but slows down at the end, precisely because she is reaching the end and knows that the end is within reach.

Oh dear.. I think the pre-going home jitters is getting to her. So many things to do, in so little time. Or maybe she just needs some yummy chocolate chip cookies!

flown

My female owner is coming home! Yay! Bring out the balloons (opps, maybe not, she’s scared of them!). Bring out the champagne and wings!

Anyway, my female owner had lunch with a Singaporean friend whom she knew only because she was going to Brisbane. The friend also went to Brisbane to do a postgrad in mental health. The difference is that, this friend is going home for good in two days time! Her programme is markedly shorter (1.5 years), with the third being long-distance learning.

My female owner was confronted with how quickly time had flown. It seemed like just yesterday (Feb) when they first met as fellow Singaporeans in big, unfamiliar Brisbane. Memories of times spent together flooded her mind - the meals they had when they were not too busy to meet up; the different places they explored together; the snacks they gave each other when they met; the support and connection they had, simply by being in the same predicament, and same age etc. All of a sudden, it was time to say goodbye to a fellow comrade (ok, I’m being a bit too dramatic here). It's just unbelieveable, how quickly time flew by... The ups and downs the friend experienced are finally over (sort-of).

My female owner also couldn’t help but wonder how she would feel when it is time for her to bid farewell to Brisbane.

Cheers to the good memories!

suppressed

My female owner had an unexpected MSN chat a few nights ago with a fellow animal lover who had been a tremendous source of help when she was down and out because of, humph, me!

Anyway, talking to him, my female owner realised that she had suppressed so many unhappy memories and experiences of that period, to the point that she couldn’t remember the people who were in her team during the deployment, the kind of fun (or anguish) they had as a team, the specific episodes that “made her face turn black”, the stupid decisions that she had to implement etc.

She only remembered global things – that I fell sick (and that she had so many friends who came round to support her), that she was activated at night and left pretty much in the lurch to kick in crisis intervention for a distraught family and groups of colleagues, that she fell out with her bosses over differences in ethical views, that the period was the last straw that broke her back and caused her to say no to her organisation.

bonds

My female owner attended her bible study farewell party today. Her bible study is going to split into two groups in the new year – the working people and the students. Although my female owner is technically a student, she has asked to move to the working group. There are many reasons for that decision which I won’t go into. Takes too long and I wanna sleep early tonight. It’s the weekend you know.

Her bible study group has been a tremendous source of support and stability for my female owner. Although she is always gripping about how young they are, or rather, how conscious she is of the huge age-gap between them and her (and hence, the difference in frequency, interests and needs), she knows that at the end of the day, the group had blessed her more ways than she had blessed them.

Yet, at the same time, she has not developed a strong enough bond to the group. So even though the group is going to split, she doesn’t feel a great sense of loss or reluctance. To her, it is like another stage of life where everyone moves on but still remains largely as friends (or like what some might say, people who leave footprints in your life).

Perhaps 8 months is really too short to feel sad about such things. After all, my female owner and Potahto knew each other as colleagues for more than a year, before they started getting close. Some bonds just need time to develop.

deficits

My female owner has complaints of memory deficits and cognitive blurring.

She absolutely cannot remember several recent past events. It is like things go by her in a flash and even when she try to recall whether she has done certain things, she can’t even find a trigger to help her trace back.

Next, her short-term memory is malfunctioning too. She would set the water to boil on the stove but forget all about it as soon as she goes to her room. By the time she remembers, half the water would have evaporated or her innocent housemates would have switched off the stove for her.

Sometimes she says things in auto pilot, without really processing her thoughts. So things go by, without her really knowing what’s happening. She also finds that her processing speed is slowing (i.e. she is not as quick-thinking or as bright as before).

She described herself as being caught in a big bubble that dulls her hearing, dims her sight and dampens her cognitive functioning.

compounded

My female owner has been feeling down since yesterday. It all started with the meeting with her research supervisor which felt like all doom and gloom for her.

Come today, she hadn’t resolved the issues he raised during the meeting (coz she didn’t do anything to resolve them after the meeting). However, she received her grade for the Research Methodology course. This was the awful paper she submitted a few weeks ago.

This is where things get complicated (for me). My female owner expected that she might get a “6” (distinction) and in worst case, a “5”. So a “7” (high distinction) is a bonus. When she found out that as predicted, she got a “6”, she became upset that she got a “6”!

And now, she is upset that she is upset that she got a 6, coz she feels that this is really just a small issue, in the larger scheme of things. But hey, if her life had revolved only around school, won't that make that 6 a bigger than usual issue?

She figured that the 6 simply compounded the sunken feeling she had yesterday about her research.

slow life

My female owner had a pleasant cyber surprise when Potahto asked her, somewhat sheepishly, whether my female owner had received a package from her. This was because my female owner recently received something from the LARS couple and Potahto was wondering if her package (which she sent much earlier) made it to Brisbane.

Quite obviously not. Thankfully, Potahto had the foresight to take a photo of the surprise and what a surprise it was!

Check it out! The turtle was created with this blog in mind.

Sad to say, its whereabouts is in question... Hopefully it will make it to my female owner's home before she leaves for Singapore!

grace

My female owner is going to sit for her one and only written examination tomorrow. Today has been a day where she was bombarded left right centre with God’s grace.

First, her Potahto Fren (haven’t been writing about her for a long time) pointed her into the direction of a potential part-time job which she can fit into her schedule while she is back in Singapore (eh, I thought my female owner is supposed to be on holiday!). The person liaising with my female owner turned out to be a previous intern at her former workplace! Although it is not certain if she’ll get the job, my female owner is thankful for the opportunity. At least there is hope, as she puts it.

Second, she had a nice chat with Mr Squabbles who shared about Jesus being one's sole focus in life (sounds so goody-two-shoes suddenly!).

Third, her mother emailed her to say that God led her to attend a talk on Lasik (which soothed her anxiety) and to speak to an Assoc Prof about it. This in turn opened the way for my female owner to undergo Lasik during the short time she is back in Singapore and yet, get follow-up sessions in Australia!

Fourth, although her night client seemed like she was not going to cancel her appointment, she had to in the end (God answered my female owner’s desperate prayers). This allowed my female owner to stay home and have more time to revise for her examination.

Fifth, she received two things in the mail. A VCD on aikido sent by the LARS couple weeks ago (tsk tsk to the snail mail, but always nice to get something from back home) and a Executive Dean’s Commendation congratulating her for her good results last semester. Arriving on the eve of her examination, the latter made it in the nick of time to remind my female owner not to rest on her laurels. It also reminded her of God’s grace and provision, shining through her weaknesses and lack (i.e. her poor memory, long break from studying, battles with home-sickness and other issues).

Cheers!

gem

My female owner’s long-time Couple Fren finally spoke to her on MSN. According to my female owner, it must have been the first time since she returned to Brisbane that they chatted! That’s like 3.5 months of non-contact.

Nonetheless, my female owner felt that they have reached a stage where they are secure in the strength of their friendship. Hence, long silences do not represent a drifting apart of their emotional ties. Rather, they signal the confidence both parties have in each other, knowing that they can depend on each other when the situation calls for it.

Hmm.. Old friends are like gems… They add sparkle to your life.

testimony

My female owner had a recent experience of being used by God to speak to others.

You see, she was scheduled to share a testimony in her bible study group last Friday. Last Sunday, when she found out that she had to share a testimony, her first reaction was reluctance (because she is anti-social and don’t like to talk about personal issues) and then, bo-pian, knowing that she has no way out, she asked God what she should share.

God told her to share about how He brought her through the healing process from her previous BGR and the biblical lessons she learnt. My female owner was lagi more reluctant to talk about that and she cried (quietly) as she wrestled with God about this. And she avoided preparing for testimony for the whole week, hoping that she might find something else to talk about.

Come Friday, she conceded that she should obey God and at 1800hr, started to organise her thoughts (bible study starts at 1900hr). My female owner couldn’t get the words to flow smoothly and in her struggle, she actually teared. She finally left it half worked out because she felt God saying that He would help her find the words when it was time to share.

And so, she went ahead with the testimony during bible study, saying upfront that she was not willing to share this! Anyway, by the end of bible study, two people came up to her to share about their similar experiences while two others told her that it was a powerful testimony. My female owner was truly amazed at the response.

One of them spoke to her again today and told her that while she was sharing, he felt God’s presence very strongly and that God was speaking directly at him. While his spiritual mentor had not been able to persuade him on certain issues, my female owner’s testimony convicted his heart and caused him to start doing certain things.

Ah, the power of obedience to God. My female owner was stunned at how God had used her (unknowingly, coz she didn’t think that anyone would be impacted by her testimony).

memories

I was going to sleep when I realised that today is a significant day… sort of. One year ago on this day, my female owner had a video-conferencing interview with her dream school. That day changed the trajectory of her life (and us turtles) forever, as she did well enough to pass the interview.

One year passes by so quickly.

One thousand memories later, she’s in the midst of living a life that she had been dreaming of, for more than five years.

Although she doesn’t know where she is headed to after she graduates, my female owner realises that the journey is more exciting than the destination. Hence, she is going to create thousands of thousands memories during this journey.

Stay tuned.

alone

My female owner enjoyed herself yesterday, being at home and studying. She is doing it again today. Her usually noisy and crowded house is unusually quiet today, with no one at home except her. The anti-social side of her is very contended to be left alone. Even in Singapore, she was always happy when she was alone at home (we turtles are always home, but we don’t make a lot of noise) and even more so, when her parents were away for holidays. Just a sense of serenity and tranquillity that doesn’t come often for her.

My female owner wonders how she is going to fund the next three months of her life. Her tutor pay stops this week, meaning that from next week onwards, she has to once again, rely on her mother’s financial support for her daily expenses/rent/misc. Credit to her, my female owner actually got through the entire semester without using her mother’s money.

Going back to Singapore, she has absolutely no money to call her own (is the government going to hand out anymore money?!). She had given her mother all her money when she was preparing to go over to Brisbane earlier this year. Everything she spends will therefore be out of a goodwill fund from her mother. That means that she cannot afford to splurge or indulge (maybe this will help her stay out of trouble. Haha!) To support herself and maintain some sense of independence, my female owner doesn’t mind doing some part-time work to tide over for the period she will be in Singapore. Anyone got any lobang? I need to advertise, coz she needs money to stock up on our food too! (This is called forward planning.)

Ah, I suppose this would be a nice time to have a boyfriend…

skip

My female owner finally started studying for her examination next week. This is probably the first time that she has been so last minute in her preparation. What she lacks in terms of natural ability, she has always tried to make up for it by putting in extra effort to the point of diminishing returns. Meaning that the outcomes she get sometimes do not commensurate with the amount of effort/ sacrifice she puts in.

A very good example would be during her junior college days when she struggled with every single subject she took. Almost everyday, she studied with her then-boyfriend at fast food joints. She remembered times when she would prepare for a test the next day while he would be doing a tutorial that was long overdue. And he would end up doing well for the test while she barely passed.

Such is the difference between natural ability and man-made efforts.

Anyway, she received the results for her written assignments for the module she is studying for today. (These were the assignments which caused her a great deal of stress a few weeks ago, because the module is double-weighted). While she didn'd do too badly as compared to others in the class, she lost enough marks to disqualify herself for a "7". She also realised that even without going for the examination, she would get a "4" for the module and still maintain a GPA of above 5.5.

Ah, maybe she should just skip the examination and move on with life.

anger

Over the years, I have seen how my female owner struggle with intense negative emotions – anger, depression and stress. Sometimes anxiety. In such times, using her emotions to guide her actions tended to cause her to be rash and do things on impulse (only to regret later).

Both my female owner and I have learnt that growing older does NOT protect one from behaving like a teenager. Neither does pursuing a postgrad in psychology.

After a long time of not feeling so “intense”, my female owner experienced what she called the “maddest day of her life in Brisbane” today. Cutting a super long story (of grievances short), she was very angry with her second clinical supervisor (Mr Dubious).

She didn’t realise how emotionally aroused she was until her Therapist called her for a random chat (such uncanny timing, given that her Therapist had been MIA for almost a week). Blurting out her anger, my female owner soon found herself in tears over the situation. And shortly after, she was laughing and crying at the same time, much to her confusion (my female owner later found out that she was probably having hypoxia).

My female owner realised that the more she ventilated, the angrier she became. She ended so annoyed that she decided to camp in school to pretend to do some work after her last client appointment ended at 2030. She just didn't want to go home to a house full of people (there are 5 other people in her house now) and force herself to make small talk when it is not in her nature to do so. She just wanted to be herself (which is not talking to anyone if she doesn't want to).

While her Intuitive Fren (who spent some time dissecting her emo outburst) felt that it was odd of her to do that ("if you can only be yourself when you are alone, then how would people know the real you?"), her Onli Fren (who also tried to hear her out despite her competing priority) felt that it was perfectly understandable ("this is the -female owner's name- I know!"). The MSN exchanges were helpful in reducing her angst to a more acceptable level.

To top the night off, her Impromptu Frens called her for a chat. Again, another round robin catch-up with everyone in the group.

How to stay upset, when there are so many friends to lift your spirits??

blonde

My female owner is very peeved with her second supervisor. So peeved, she is seething with anger inside her, but with the picture of calm on the outside.

Given that he is one of her first contact with a male Aussie blonde, my female owner has almost sworn off Aussie guys.

All guys are bad. ALL. GUYS. ARE. BAD.

Includes everyone, of the male species, still true in the present, not an historical fact, that they are NOT good.

Okay, I think she is catastrophising and really mad.

bujinkan

My female owner finally had a Monday night free and she joined a couple of her friends for street-fighting training. Yes, you read it right. She found some street-fighting kakis to sweat her fats away (and possibly to damage her knee further).

The class had about 8 students and one instructor and training was conducted in an open grassland under the moonlight. A short distance away from that grassland were some sheep and cows (some of my female owner’s favourite animals). How romantic and rustic! Almost everyone wore black, adding to the flavour of street-fighting training (think ninjas in training!).

My female owner later found out that she was learning the art of bujinkan, a lesser known Japanese martial art. She found the style was very different from aikido, being more aggressive, involving kicks and opposing the opponent’s attack/ strength, rather than flowing with it. My female owner definitely had fun tumbling around last night (I told you she is trying to lead a more “normal” life now).

The only thing was that she ended up with some skin rash on her elbow and her ankle today.. courtesy of her ambivalent allergy to grass.

creaks

My female owner has been trying out the strengthening exercises at home and she is happy to note that she is experiencing less pain in her knee now. She still gets the pain when there’s hard impact with the ground (e.g. jogging or running) but thinks that it is lower in intensity. Going up and down gentle slopes is less aching now. She’s not sure if it’s a placebo effect of sorts… you know, like you think you are slimmer just because you ran 2km just now.

The scary thing that came out of the strengthening routine is that she notices that her knee creaks everytime she extends it.. and she can feel things (bones? cartilage?) moving beneath her knee cap. Try to imagine slotting in the wrong key into a key-hole and you can still turn the key but not open the door. It’s that kind of feeling.. strange movements felt and heard in the unseen.

knee

Wah, two days sped past me! Didn’t realise that I haven’t been updating my Turtle Pad. Ever since upsetting everyone with my accidental escape, I have been trying to lie low.. and not ruffle any more shells. Word has it that my brothers tried to tell my female owner’s father about my escape by hovering near the fencing to grab his attention. Unfortunately, he couldn’t read turtle language well enough to decipher what they were trying to tell him.

Maybe some updates about my female owner. She went walking/ jogging with her housemate today. Didn’t perspire much because they covered a short distance. So when she reached home, she decided to do some of the exercises Mr Physio “prescribed” her (there were 7!!). It was good that her housemate acted as the resistance for one of the exercises. And the housemate did feel the difference between her two legs, with one being more in control than the other.

Ordinarily, my female owner is NOT one to be consistent with exercising or routines. But because Mr Physio took the trouble to go to her house to work out her problem and work through the different exercises with her despite having examinations round the corner, my female owner felt that she cannot 对不起 him. So she decided that she has to do those exercises regularly.

Ah, see how long she can last this time!

physio

My female owner had a scare last night, because her friend had undergone knee operation. Apparently his knee had been affected through years of martial art, rugby and track. While my female owner cannot claim to have done years of aikido, badminton and jogging, she still identified with the possibility of having to go under the knife to correct her knee problem.

Today, she had an opportunity to ask another physio fren about her knee. Because they had time, Mr Physio (also one of her jogging kakis) was able to spend some time figuring out her knee problem. He diagnosed her problem as m……… Yes. My female owner wasn’t bright enough to remember the condition, or to even write it down. According to him, the lining between the knee joints might have torn because of the high impact activities she used to do.

He also assessed her left leg muscles (specifically the inner thighs) as being weaker than her right leg muscles, and demonstrated some exercises that would help to strengthen those muscles (my female owner was even instructed to write them down) and tone her body (haha!). Happily, he also assured her that operations are not common occurrences.

Ah, for once, my female owner is the client. She had a taste of being questioned about her symptoms (and found that she was not able to express herself clearly), being taught rehabilitation skills (now she understands that value of a therapist doing something alongside with the client), being clueless about what to expect (and so the therapist should be confident and reassuring), receiving a diagnosis (in a layperson point of view), gathering evidence (which convince her of the problem) and even discussing about homework compliance!