productive

My female owner has her most productive in her clinical placement yet. She managed to clock 6hrs to client hours in a single day (that’s like 3% of her total quota of 200 hrs).

Started bright and early, with a IQ assessment that ran for 3 hours. Then a quick lunch with her Therapist Fren (note: newly named friend). Then an intake interview with a mother who wanted her teenage daughter to get some supportive work. After talking to my female owner, the mother ended up feeling that her daughter had no major issues (and this was largely true, based on a questionnaire she filled in).

Then my female owner called one new neuropsych client to make an appointment. She also called her Grandma client to make sure that she would be coming in the evening. And my female owner finally had some time to write up her case notes… before she got distracted by her Therapist Fren.. and in distracting each other, they sprang up a dinner date on Friday at my female owner’s house.

And off my female owner went… to meet Grandma..who was late. And because of that, she called another new client to chat and ended up booking in the client’s daughter for a neuropsych assessment on this Thurs and Fri. That is a highly anxious mother!

And Grandma eventually came.. with the grandson in tow… Ending at almost 2100hr, my female owner decided to stay back to do some work… Ahh…

And a look at what’s on my female owner’s plate for this mid-semester break (excluding today):

Expected 9.5hrs of client hours (some of which requires preparation)
1 CBT/IPT essay to complete
1 N=1 case study to complete
1 research introduction to complete
1 research proposal powerpoint slides to complete
2 supervisions to prepare for
At least 10 year two essays to mark (37 eventually)
1 tutor meeting to attend
Files to update/ close
1 assessment essay to complete

That’s 6 days to complete everything…before a new load comes in next week.

toothpaste

What my female owner learnt from church today:

"Words are like toothpaste,

Easy to come out,

Hard to put back"

day

And so this was how my female owner spent the day at home alone.

She woke up at a respectable time of 1000hr. Had breakfast and took a shower. Did some work, had a short chat with her Onli Fren. Had lunch (which she mass-cooked yesterday).

Completed one piece of work. Felt satisfied. Decided to take a break. Ended up sleeping on the sofa for 1.5hrs. It was a sweet snooze for her. The first time since she arrived at Brisbane that she could nap as if it was her own house.

Mid-afternoon already. Decided to cook a casserole dish (Note, she still has 5 servings of food from yesterday’s mass cooking). Just as well, coz her potatoes were sprouting already. Toyed with the idea of going downstairs to buy some mushrooms. Was too lazy.

Had an early dinner, courtesy of the casserole. Packed remaining 3 servings into the fridge. Started on her research work. Cleared the fridge of expired food (note: rotting apples, strawberries, expired milk, lemon juice, gasless coke). She later found a purple onion on the microwave which has sprouted leaves of 10cm height.

Suddenly remembered that she had a skipping rope (which she intended to use for exercise during winter… only that one month of spring has come and gone..). Skipped a while. Went back to her work.

Got bored. Decided to bake cupcakes. Just an hour she thought. Stretched to 1.5hrs, and added thousands of calories to her already very sedentary day (think butter, sugar and peanut butter).
Overdosed on cupcakes. Tried to ease her guilt by skipping. UNERASABLE, she found out. Returned to her work. Microsoft Word hang.

Read another book on caregiving. Words swam around her head. Microsoft Word still hanging despite reset.

And a day gone, without speaking to anyone. I think she is making up for her hectic week where she talked so much that her tongue ached.

quiet

My female owner is having the whole apartment to herself for the weekend. Her housemates are away for a retreat. It’s my female owner’s chance to have a sample taste of living alone. Although the apartment had been a lovely place to stay in, my female owner found that it was sometimes too noisy for her, with different people coming in and out at random times of the day (and sometimes night). She likens it to her previous workplace where visitors would buzz the doorbell to gain entry into the main office.

After all, my female owner had been living in a household of three people (including herself) and four very quiet pets for many years before going over to her current apartment. And yes, she was and is anti-social, and gets peeved by visitors who don't show basic manners and courtesy.

Me thinks she's just getting old and cranky and unadaptable and grouchy.

eureka

My female owner had a personal reflection session with her second supervisor today (S2). He pointed out that she seemed to be having problems with anxious clients and wondered what could be contributing to it.

My female owner reckoned that it was due to her “high personal anxiety” as her former boss once described. Her anxiety might have rubbed off the wrong way on her two anxious clients, causing them to lose confidence in therapy.

Does it mean that she will never be able to treat anxious people?

On the bright side, today, my female owner closed a 11-session parenting programme with a pair of parents whom she saw over the course of 4 months. This set of parents is the first to complete the full programme and they came out of it feeling satisfied with the outcomes. My female owner enjoyed working with them, even though there were times my female owner was certain that they would terminate on her (see her anxiety seeping into different aspects of her life?!). The Eureka look on their faces had been priceless, as they received revelations and answers to their child’s behavioural problems.

The greatest compliments given over the course of this programme was when the mother said that my female owner would make a great parent and even today, when she said that they should just bring my female owner home with them.

cyber-absence

There’s something bad about having friends from the same clique. You know that they are all out having fun (without you) when none of them are on MSN. My female owner can almost always tell when her Impromptu Frens are together by their cyber-absence.

Like tonight.

The group of five (yes, the numbers have dwindled) is currently hanging out at Clarke Quay…. While she is alone in her room.. wondering when she should start doing her work… after a hard day at school

My female owner had a full day, with appointments at 0900, 0930, 1100, 1300, 1400 and 1600. And that did not include the numerous phone calls she made in-between appointment, trying to arrange sessions with her clients.

She ended up with tired tongue muscles (is that ever possible?! Sounds incredulous!)

Goat

My female owner is amazed at how God never fails to bring back Christian friends into her life just as she is going downhill. This time, it’s her “Goat” friend whom she has since renamed as Common Understanding Fren.

She has known this friend for more than half her life, but they probably became closer about ten years ago (when I wasn’t born yet!) when they were studying for their respective examinations and when they were serving in the Youth Ministry.

Goat was named Goat, coz he named her Cow, after watching her “graze” on her vegetables during a church camp. Goat, having an innate hatred for all foods green, was probably annoyed at my female owner’s attempts to initiate him to veggies.

Anyway, as they always say, Goat and Cow live on the Animal Farm, happily ever after.

Although they don’t really spend a lot of time together and probably have closer friends than each other, yet they share a “common understanding” that they can say anything to each other and no offence will be taken. It’s a friendship that is hard to describe I think. A bond between them that is hard to break. A dependable comrade in this journey called Life.

lost

My female owner had a traumatic day which resulted in her procrastinating on her work, over-eating and over-sleeping. It started off with her anxious male client who told her that his GP had referred him to a specialist and as such, he would not be coming in until further notice. This is the second time an anxious client terminated on her and she wonders how much of it was due to her.

Anyway, more nerve-wrecking was that she was almost involved in a road accident today. She was driving her friend’s car, on the way to pick her up from a train station. As usual, the roads in Brisbane City confused her, with some junctions not allowing U-turns and other roads turning one-way suddenly.

While trying to work her way around, she realised that she had to make a U-turn to the other side of the street (there was no centre divider). Unfortunately, she failed to look behind her and u-turned just as cars were approaching behind her. The first car braked in time (otherwise she would have been hit on her side) and so did the rest of the cars behind. My female owner also managed to brake in time and reverse her car back to the side of the road. She tried to make another U-turn when the coast was clear and after making it, realised that it was a one-way road (with 4 lanes!). She ended making a full circle to face the right direction.

My female owner steeled herself to continue her search. She made a conscious effort to look at the directions of the road… and at one junction, turned wrongly into the bus lane. It was not a simple task of merely switching lanes (like Singapore) coz the next lane was for on-coming buses. And the bus lanes and vehicle lanes were separated by concrete dividers.

Gingerly, she turned at the next junction and continued her journey. She finally made it to the railway station, at the agreed time, only to realise that her friend’s train was running late. So she had to drive around unfamiliar grounds to find a legal place to park (without costing money). And while waiting, she realised that she had gone to the wrong railway station anyway. She thought that “South Bank” was the same as “South Brisbane”, coz the “South Brisbane” station was located at South Bank and her maps did not differentiate the two stations.

How cool is that?! She had not only narrowly escaped a road accident, driven on the wrong side of the road, driven in the wrong lane and had a short window of time to find her way to the right station which was not reflected on her 2000 street directory.

She was grateful for God's protection over her life. While my female owner was driving (before she started getting lost), she felt prompted to pray and pray she did. It was probably a split second miss. If she had been slightly faster in turning, or the car(s) were moving faster, there would have been a multiple collision.

Corrinne May Five Loaves and Two Fishes

A little boy of thirteen was on his way to school
He heard a crowd of people laughing and he went to take a look
Thousands were listening to the stories of one man
He spoke with such wisdom, even the kids could understand

The hours passed so quickly, the day turned to night
Everyone was hungry but there was no food in sight
The boy looked in his lunchbox at the little that he had
He wasn't sure what good it'd do, there were thousands to be fed

But he saw the twinkling eyes of Jesus
The kindness in His smile
And the boy cried out
With the trust of a child
he said:

"Take my five loaves and two fishes
Do with it as you will
I surrender
Take my fears and my inhibitions
All my burdens, my ambitions
You can use it all to feed them all"

I often think about that boy when I'm feeling small
And I worry that the work I do means nothing at all

But every single tear I cry is a diamond in His hands
And every door that slams in my face, I will offer up in prayer

So I'll give you every breath that I have
Oh Lord, you can work miracles
All that you need is my "Amen"

So take my five loaves and two fishes
Do with it as you will
I surrender
Take my fears and my inhibitions
All my burdens, my ambitions
You can use it all
I hope it's not too small

I trust in you
I trust in you

So take my five loaves and two fishes
Do with it as you will
I surrender
Take my fears and my inhibitions
All my burdens, my ambitions
You can use it all
No gift is too small

introspection

My female owner has noticed that she is reverting to her Singapore lifestyle… where God and church were obligations she fulfilled on Sundays.

It was quite confronting for her to realise that even though she has less distraction here in Brisbane, yet her heart is not aligned with God. She finds herself trying to think of ways to get out of church activities. If she has responsibilities, she would fulfil them. Otherwise, she is pretty much hands or heart-off. I think she's tired of trying to be "good".

Anyway, after spending a few days at the Gold Coast without MSN, my female owner realised that she can get by without this cyber addiction. Hence today, she connected to the internet with the intention of not signing onto MSN. She decided to check out her Facebook.

Surprise surprise, soon after, Mr Squabbles made contact with her via Facebook chat. My female owner was pleasantly surprised as it had been a long time since they chatted with each other.

Once again, my female owner couldn’t help but feel that it was a God-arranged exchange. The conversation started out random, but very quickly being God-centred.

The past week had not been emotionally and mentally smooth for my female owner. Recently, Functional Fren triggered her introspection journey with his insightful comments. Then she did a personality test which revealed strange results. After that, she escaped to the Gold Coast with a fellow postgrad psychology student. The two like-minded people expend a lot of time and psychological energy talking about themselves, their personalities, their views, convictions, beliefs, passions etc. Television programme became psychological analyses of the main characters. Reaching back to Brisbane, my female owner caught up with Potahto. They spent a couple of hours bouncing off abstract ideas, using concrete terms. Again, an intensive period where my female owner looked inward to herself, trying to comprehend herself and her past actions.

Today, Mr Squabbles listened to her air her confusion and inner conflicts and provided God-centred directions. It was like a breath of fresh air, coz my female owner was no longer looking to herself for answers, but to God for strength and purpose. My female owner had been finding it hard to connect to her church friends on an intimate level and it was good that God arranged for a Christian brother to hear her out and let her know that He is still watching over her.

And as usual, Mr Squabbles ended by saying he would keep her in his prayers.

My female owner finally returned from her weekend escapade to the Gold Coast. She had been to the Coast earlier this year. This time, she drove down with a friend and stayed at her friend’s boyfriend’s apartment.

News have it that my female owner had a great time, mixing work with play and therapy. She also learnt to cooked a couple of dishes!

Raw ingredients for a casserole dish

Casserole in the cooking

The dish has to be baked for the cheese to melt

It's super yummy!

Breakfast at a Italian bakery

Look at the double-yolked egg!

Dutch pancakes, costing a hefty AUD8!

Chasing the morning rising sun. At first they couldnt see the sun, so they just took photos of the morning hue.

Then, on the way back, they found the sun rising from the horizon! It was red and round.

And she breathed out a ball of fire...

personality

My female owner did a “psychometrically validated” personality inventory recently. It is supposed to be un-pop psychology i.e. used in clinical settings for therapeutic purposes.

Being a true-false inventory, she found it hard to answer some of the questions. Anyway, she wanted to know if she had any personality problems (especially after her Functional Fren told her that she was emotionally dependent).

The long and short of the results (actually, I would say “long” coz she had to hand-score the results and it took her an hour) was as she suspected: some clinical personalities of concern. One of them is as Functional Fren said, dependent personality. A few other dysfunctional personality profiles showed up too.

My female owner was so traumatised by the results that she contacted Functional Fren straightaway (through mobile, not MSN, that's how shocked she was) to get some perspective (is that a sign of emo dependency?!?!)

Functional Fren asked her how the results impacted her.

My female owner said that now she hated herself.

Oh dear… the perils of having insider access to psychological measures.. You find out things you wished you never did..and there’s no one to debrief you on the results.

Ah

Ah Beng was walking along his work area one day and saw his fren Ah Mute.

Ah Mute can't speak so he needs to use sign language to communicate.

Ah Mute signalled why Ah Beng wasn't at work. Ah Beng than look around and gathered some leaves under the tree and stood on them. He looked at Ah Mute and pointed down at the leaves.

Ah Mute was now confused.. Later Ah Seng passed by and saw Ah Beng standing on the leaves.

Ah Mute then signal Ah Seng on what Ah Beng was trying to say..

Ah Seng then typed down in his handphone and showed it to Ah Mute.

"Aiyo so simple, Ah Beng Is On Leave!"

same age

My female owner grew up in an environment where she did not have many same age peers. For instance, during her teenage years, most of her bible study group members were one year older than her. This was because they were all classmates and my female owner happened to be from the same school as them. Hence, despite the difference in school grades, they got along well. My female owner also had many older church friends who served as role models for her.

Needless to say, due to the scarcity of same-age peers (even as an undergraduate), my female owner was used to mixing with people of different ages. She had some same-age friends from junior college but for some reason, she did not really keep in constant contact with them for a few years after leaving school. She only started hanging out more with them in the recent two years.

Although my female owner still has emotional angst talking about her previous workplace and some of the unpleasant experiences she had, one good thing that came out of those years was that she made some really good friends. The Impromptu Frens, as you might have already heard me mention. What you probably never hear me mention before is that four of them are of the same age as my female owner.

Being of the same cohort, it makes it easier for one to make comparisons of where or what everyone has achieved in his/her not-so-short life. One is happily married, owns her own flat and looking to move to a new job. One is happy in the job and owns his set of wheels. One is newly promoted, moving on to a new posting, armed with a Master’s degree. One is moving on to a new posting, is highly valued at work, owns his own flat and going to upgrade himself. One is jobless, doing her Master’s/ Doctorate while incurring a huge financial debt.

As an outsider, who would you say has achieved the most so far? My female owner won’t even want to talk about the other people in the group who are younger than her... It simply makes her red with shame.

Perhaps life is not so much of what you have achieved, but how satisfied you are, with whatever you have. Achievement motivation/ orientation is good, only if it does not consume you or takes the joy out of living in the present.

phonecall

Like her clients, my female owner has good days and bad days. Good days are days when she feels adjusted in Brisbane and when she is able to think about Singapore fondly without any anxiety, panic or depression. Bad days are when she starts to miss Singapore and gets feelings of homesickness, longing and frustration (among many other feelings).

The good news is that the length of uninterrupted good days are getting longer and the bad news is, well, my female owner still gets those bad days.

My female owner had/ is having her latest bout last Friday. This time, it was triggered by fears of her parents’ health. My female owner has been getting worried about her parents’ health, because they have a few chronic illnesses and are not getting any younger. Because of this, she questions the wisdom of being in Brisbane, separated from them, leaving them to take care of themselves.

Her fear turned to panic when she didn’t see her parents online on Friday. Could they be hiding something from her? Did something happen to either of them?

Ah, emo owner!

Anyway, her bad day (which split over to Saturday obviously) was partly lifted when her Impromptu Frens called her on her mobile unannounced on Saturday night! Ah, how exciting and heart-warming, to hear those familiar voices all at once. They sounded so close, as if she could leave her house and meet them within half an hour.

happie birthday!

It's my brothers' 8th birthday today!

So sad that my female owner is not around.

disconnect

My female owner finally had a weekday to herself, where she didn’t need to go to school for any reason.

Alas, she woke up to unannounced drilling from her immediate neighbours. She found out later that they were going to renovate their house for three months!

And to make her day worse, she couldn’t connect to the internet, despite troubleshooting all possible faults and checking umpteen times that her connection was working. Usually she would be able to reset the modem within minutes, or even if she couldn’t log into MSN, she could still download emails to surf the internet. Today, cyberspace was out of reach.

Hence, she spent the morning engulfed with deafening drilling and unconnected to the world. What a way to start her precious free weekday!

She finally located the source of the mis-connection three hours after waking… turns out that the telephone line (which was in her housemate’s room) was dislodged by the weight of a pillow. So technically, she was connected but disconnected. Hmmm…

flute festival

Guess what? There’s going to be a Flute Festival in Singapore next year. My female owner is definitely not able to attend.

Such a shame, coz I’m sure she will benefit from the experience. After all, she trained under one person all her life. It would be good to hear and learn from performing musicians. The programme looks exciting – performances, masterclasses, workshops and even a competition! So cool!

EQ

My female owner had an impromptu personal feedback session with her Functional Fren last night. It all started with a MSN chat about IQ and EQ. The two of them started comparing scores and analysing what they meant as a whole.

My female owner didn’t score very high on EQ. This was something she expected, given her volatile emotions and temperamental quirks. Functional Fren felt that my female owner had not answered the questions accurately and somehow the conversation steered towards how Functional Fren felt that she was being overly emotionally dependent on her friends. Which in turn translates into how my female owner had been selective in choosing her friends (that’s how the Onli Fren and Second Onli Fren started – they were christened at a point in her life where my female owner felt that she had no other friends). “Selective” had also been a word that her Intuitive Fren used recently to describe the way she made friends. When two independent psychologically-minded raters (psych-babble here) both reach the same conclusion (across two different continents) and present it to you without being prompted, there must be some truth in it.

Her Functional Fren challenged her to make friends with people for who they are, without assessing first, if they could be trusted to meet her emotional needs. That analysis was spot on (although my female owner started off saying that she has always been distant from people except a few friends) in that it helped her to resolve some sub-conscious conflicts which she was never really aware of.

frog

My female owner says that she is starting to feel the heat of things. She has taken on more things than previously and is now suffering the consequences of “spreading herself thinly”.

Besides her schoolwork, she is also a tutor. That takes up about ½ to 1 day’s work a week. She is also trying to spend more time with her fellow Asian comrades by meeting them regularly for peer support. In church, she has agreed to a few stuff that requires time and commitment (another vulgar word in her vocabulary, besides “resilience”).

She is like the proverbial frog in the cooking pot now… her time and energy is slowing cooking away…. What about her fats?! They are being left behind!