fatter

People change over time. They usually look fatter in photos over time. So do us turtles.

April 04: Me (left), Nanook (right)

May 05: See how unfat I look?
My front view

Nov 06: Still maintaining my figure

Jan 07: Still looking good.

Jan 08: The chin is starting to show

... that's why I extended my neck

Still looking presentable I think..

Jan 09: See what happens to me when my female owner goes away?
I explode!!

emotions

My female owner claims that she is emotionally void and cold but if you ask me, she is really soft-hearted and soaks up emotions like a sponge. Today, she attended 4-hour long lecture on grief and loss and a 3-hour long class on domestic violence, and this was enough to make her feel emo for the rest of the day.

The emotionally-loaded subject matters pressed hard upon my female owner’s heart, as she reflected on the real-life impact that loss and/or domestic violence have on individuals. This is no longer theory for her. Loss is a universal experience for all human beings. Human beings know it intimately but do not really fathom it. When my female owner first came over to Brisbane, she was probably grieving over many losses without realising it then. Now her emotional reactions make sense to her. They even seem justified now.

Learning about domestic violence and in particularly, examples of physical, sexual and psychological assaults that a man usually inflict on his partner, she realises too, unsurprisingly, that she was probably a victim of domestic violence in her previous relationship, having experienced various forms of psychological insults. How silly she had been, to put up with a man’s nonsense for so many years. No wonder people say she is a tolerant person.

From a professional angle, learning new materials also led her to realise how little she knows and how unskilled she is, in dealing with human problems and issues.

Coupled with other issues and school hassles, my female owner is not in the most chirpy of mood. However, like a man, she is able to compartmentalise her feelings and obligations. Hence, after a long day in school, she went for a home-grilled steak party and thoroughly enjoyed her dinner (prepared entirely by one guy!!! so talented. Had her favourite fries too.) cum movie marathon cum warm fellowship with some of her church friends.

Maybe the day was not so bad after all.

growing pains

My female owner is in a state of disbelief. Something dreadful happened to one of her closer friends recently and my female owner is at a loss of what to do or what to say to alleviate the distress. All of a sudden, her childish whinges about lack of internet access and externship problems pale in comparison to the gravity of her friend’s situation. Even being apart from her family and established social networks in Singapore seems non-consequential.

The counsellor in her wishes she knows the right words to say and the right actions to take. But alas, my female owner is inexperienced and lacks discernment. The friend side of her does not wish to take up a counselling persona. Already, her friends had chided her for using “psych-speak” while talking to them. So you know, the counsellor side says she should ask open-ended questions but the friend side says to ask close-ended questions that will quickly narrow down the scope of the issue.

At the same time, other friends are grappling with family, existential and bread-and-butter issues. Growing pains, my female owner calls it.

Growth does not stop when you turn 21 and reach adulthood. Almost tipping over the 30-year-old mark, my female owner realises that each decade of your life demands different things from you. Responsibilities change, roles increase, resources get tighter, friends lessen, burdens get heavier, health suffers, experiences of failure and hurts accumulate, often haunting you and time becomes scarce. Even though you are already an adult and supposedly more matured, my female owner concludes that at the end of the day, you are still you, an amateur in life and a child at best.

That’s why my female owner humbly realises that she cannot make it through life based on her own wisdom and hard work. She will probably lose her way navigating through life's journey. Much as she claims to be independence, she rather work in partnership with God. My female owner already wasted a good part of her life on worldly pursuits and erroneous thinking. During today’s sermon, the preacher was asking the congregation “what is your past that holds you back?” The point being made was that God’s abundant grace can look beyond our past and transform us into who He wants us to be.

Ah, what an apt continuation of the food-for-thought conversation she had last night. The past has no hold over her, except for the hold she has allowed it to have over her. As for living in the present and working out plans for the future, the recent events have shown her that life is uncertain, things are unpredictable and evil lurks in unexpected places. Her best guide for life is Jesus, her Shepherd and the best manual for life, the Bible.

Chris Tomlin - Amazing Grace My Chains Are Gone

Amazing grace
How sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me
I once was lost, but now I'm found
Was blind, but now I see
'Twas grace that taught my heart to fear
And grace my fears relieved
How precious did that grace appear
The hour I first believed
My chains are gone
I've been set free
My God, my Savior has ransomed me
And like a flood His mercy reigns
Unending love, Amazing grace

The Lord has promised good to me
His word my hope secures
He will my shield and portion be
As long as life endures

The earth shall soon dissolve like snow
The sun forbear to shine
But God, Who called me here below
Will be forever mine
Will be forever mine
You are forever mine

past

My female owner has been living dreamily for one week. It was her second week of school and as usual, she only had lessons on Tuesday. She was largely left to her own devices for the rest of the week. And in true slacker style, she hardly did any work. She couldn’t believe that postgrad could be so relaxing and she wanted to relish in the ENGness before she starts on her externship (still a question mark, unfortunately).

Realising that she needs to remain accountable for her days in Brisbane, her prayer request during bible study was that she would be able to make full use of her time in 2009 to i) grow stronger in her faith and walk with God, ii) complete her programme successfully, iii) experience Brisbane/ Australia for its beauty. My female owner is convinced that God pulled her out of Singapore so that she would be able to regain her focus in her life and start to live life purposefully and meaningfully according to the plans He has set out for her. At this point in time, my female owner is wiling to stay in Brisbane after graduation (without sulking and drowning her reluctance in wine, beer and margaritas).

Over the week, she spent time reading the bible, meditating on verses, praying and personal reflection. Certain things happened over the week, some positive, others negative, tossing her emotions all over. Her strength came from reflecting on God’s promises and understanding His nature. Some incidents made her question the meaning of life/ living while others allowed her to see God’s hand moving and most assuredly, when God moves, no one can stop Him. An impromptu trip to Mt Cootha (think Victoria Peak in Hongkong) after bible study with a few of her Christian friends, resulted in her picking up even more biblical truths.

A late-night youtube movie (Kuch Kuch Hota Hai – highly recommended, although my female owner has not completed the movie… she has little staying power, even for entertainment) was hijacked by a MSN chat with her I-Fren. She saw how quickly God responded to her prayer point i) when he aptly pointed out that she needs to stop living in the past. This has been an issue which my female owner is aware of, but in a fleeting sense, like “oh, maybe I should stop living in the past” kind of thought. But my female owner realised that she spent half her life living in a lie (AGAB) which she concocted innocently with her Onli Fren as a teenager. My female owner thought that her AGAB vibes had been extinguished through some of the positive experiences she had last year but like a deep-seated tattoo, she probably just patched up the mental imprint with some thick foundation which cracks under pressure.

There are also other areas in her life where my female owner is currently “living in the past”. The ghost of past failures, past disappointments, past experiences, former glory, lost youth, wasted times, the should-haves, could-haves, would-haves and if-onlys. Being sucked into the quick sand of her SELECTIVE memory. My female owner hopes to work through some of the main issues over the course of this year, coz this year is her year of renewal. It’s now or never for her. No more spiritual procrastination!

free

My female owner is pleased to announce that her internet connection is finally up. Male Housemate spent 3hr+ on the computer, trying to fix issues with the modem and security password. He also borrowed my female owner’s lap-top to do his troubleshooting. At 11pm+, Female Housemate came out of their room to check on his progress. Very quickly, she sorted out the problem and viola! The right settings were configured and Housemates finally retired to bed. Yay, the whole point of this narration is to first, highlight that Male Housemate is reliable and a man of his word (coz he promised that he would sort things out for my female owner) and second, that a man still needs a woman after all.

On a separate note, my female owner finally accepted the high possibility that she would be relatively more free this year, as compared to last year. She is so ENG now, she even borrowed novels from the library to pass time. Of all books, she chose a Singaporean writer (Goh Poh Seng) who in, A Dance of Moths, explored the complex lives and human relationships of two men in modern Singapore. The main theme of the book was about the men’s sense of alienation and search for meaning in their lives. Ah, issues which her single friends are grappling with now…

Anyway, back to topic. The prospect of having greater flexibility in time and schedule is disturbing for my female owner. She feels insecure as she is supposed to be studying and not having an extended holiday. To cope with her concerns, my female owner tried to think of ways to maximise her time, such as doing two externships at the same time, so that she can cover the programme’s requirements as fast as possible.

In all her planning and scheming, she felt God telling her to let go of her human plans, and to trust Him to work things out for her. My female owner then realised that she had once again, tried to take matters in her own hands, or at least, tried to pre-empt difficulties by working out possible solutions. A sign that she is trying to be the master of her life.

Let go and let God.

choice

My female owner had a sense of “reincarnation” yesterday. Now, I don’t mean it in a religious or spiritual sense (I don’t wanna get struck by lightning for saying the wrong thing!).

First, she had a MSN conversation with a friend who had been struggling with job satisfaction and career development issues. The current job offers a cushy remuneration but in career-speak terms, “the job sucks”. If he were to follow his passion, he would inevitably incur a huge pay cut, along with other career goodies which he had accumulated over the years.

Hence, it was a choice between monetary gains and pursuing one’s passion.

My female owner later realised that she was in similar circumstances about 15 months back. Then, she had to choose between the financial gains of being sponsored by her organisation for her postgrad studies (think sponsorship of school fees, stipend, flight/ winter allowances, monthly salary, yearly increment, seniority retained, job security, career advancement) and being bonded for three years afterwards, and giving up the certainty of financial gains to freely pursue her passion. By resigning, she was actually giving up close to $100k and on top of that, having to cough out at least $150k to cover three years of postgrad studies. In addition, she would have to rebuild her career again and possibly accept a lower starting salary. For whatever reasons, my female owner chose to be bond-free (but financially strapped).

Second, she had another conversation with Potahto, her fellow comrade in her previous office. As my female owner put it, only Potahto had the ability to bring out her true colours and my female owner turned bitchy as they recounted the incredulous behaviours of some of her ex-colleagues. Apparently, both of them still had unresolved issues with certain people and the unfair/ unethical practices they were subjected to as juniors in the office still left a bitter taste in their mouth. (It is of deliberate choice that my female owner recently chose to do an assignment on workplace bullying for her course “Counselling and violence”.)

My female owner mused afterwards that while the second conversation was cathartic, the greater achievement of the conversation was that it cemented the decision my female owner made 15 months ago, that she would not subject herself to three more years of mental and emotional upheavals. At the same time, she has to acknowledge that she has been blessed with strong family support. Without their unconditional support (except to accept this sponsorship from them as a gift of love and to enjoy herself), my female owner would probably have little choice but to take up her organisation's offer.

hatch

Singaporean Comrade directed my female owner to this video (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Iy-gZXxNrrY) in a bid to cheer her up.

Wanna know why us turtles enjoy a cushy life after we hatch from our eggs while human beings have to work so hard after being born? Watch the video.

You will realise that we turtles struggle (even before we are officially born) to get out of our shells whereas you humans are either pushed out or taken out from your swimming pool. In other words, we turtles CHOOSE to enter this world, whereas you humans get kicked into this world. Wahaha!

update

And so, it has been a month since my female owner went off to pursue her Dream. Before my female owner left, her Functional Fren reminded her to bring over the ten Care Bears he gave her, and came up with a story that each Bear represented one month of being away (she is expected to return in December). My female owner breathed a sign of relief that she can finally “take away” one Bear. Suddenly the remaining months seem manageable. After all, a baby is formed in nine months too.

It’s time to do some accounting and figure out what she has done over this past month. My female owner’s over-arching goal in 2009 is to make this year count. She always said that she did not live in Brisbane last year. Rather, she lived only in St Lucia, with the occasional trip out to Toowong, the neighbouring suburb or the City.

Importantly, my female owner found a nice cosy place to stay. In doing so, she probably improved on her Mandarin vocabulary as she now knows what are the Mandarin terms for bell peppers and pressure cooker. My female owner mused at how she changed over the years. On her first day of work (in 2004) at her previous office, she told herself that “wow! I don’t mind working here until the end of my working life.” In addition, she was very commited to her previous relationship which lasted 6.5 years, despite parental objections and familial pressures to end the relationship. However, when Male Housemate asked her recently if she would continue to stay with them beyond one year, my female owner hesitated to commit herself. Is this the natural tendency of a swinging bachelorette?

Still abstaining from her choc chip cookies comfort food (thumbs up for that!), my female owner suspects that she has gained about 1.5kg since returning. Oh no, really a cyclical issue for her. On a related note, my female owner has recently started her healthy living plan and has kinda stuck to it for one week, since she actually did exercised three times last week. Applause please!

In terms of spending more time with friends, my female owner is happy to report that she has invested time and energy in this area, whether it’s meeting her Singaporean comrades for impromptu dinners, fellowshipping with her church friends or going on road trips around Brisbane.

Church has been good. Despite the initial awkwardness my female owner, now she feels more at home with her new bible study group. Perhaps because they are slightly older or because they are in the workforce, my female owner prefers the way they interact with one another, as compared to the student group.

School has kinda come to a standstill, given that the major load, her externship, is still not settled after 1.5 months! Enough said about this, lest my female owner turns emo.

Internet connection is still NOT up. If you see my female owner online these days, it is either she is in school or using her friend’s mobile access. As what one of her Singaporean Comrades said, my female owner has extensive “social capital” (a new term my female owner learnt!). A random griping in someone’s car about her need for internet access led to her friend offering her the mobile access to tide her over, for as long as she needs. In another instance, a random sharing with her Aussie coursemate about her maybe needing to interview someone who has experienced a recent loss for a course assignment led the coursemate to offer my female owner her own mother who lost her mother recently. Now, that is social capital.

Financially, my female owner is feeling stretched as she has been going out for meals with different people. With each meal costing at least $10 and she having a weekly budget of $280 (including essentials like rent, electricity, transport, mobile etc), no wonder she needs to rethink how to live within her means and yet achieve her goal of being more sociable and exploring beyond St Lucia.

In addition, the start-up cost of living in a new place is unbelievable. New furniture to purchase and utensils, food and condiments to stock up on. Speaking of which, my female owner has been yielding (such a strong word eh) to have a bookshelf to organise her learning materials. However, due to financial constraints (a simple one would cost about $70, without delivery), she decided not to get one. This morning just after she woke up, for some reason, she decided to get some greens from the nearby shop. To her pleasant surprise, she found that someone has discarded a usable white bookshelf in the pavement just next to her apartment. With such perfect timing (my female owner hardly gets out of her house just to go to the shop), location (the bookshelf was sufficiently heavy, so thankfully it was a short distance and she had the strength to lug it home by herself, up three flights of stairs) and provision (an assembled WHITE bookshelf of the right height), my female owner can only say that it was God who made it possible. Now, all she needs is a cloth to cover the bookshelf.

There you have it, an update of the month. My female owner hasn't really written down her goals/ resolutions for the year but more or less, it is to live life differently from 2008.

Mt Ngungun

It's photos time again! I like putting up photos, as it means that my tiny paws don't need to type so much. A picture speaks a thousand words, doesn't it?

Anyway, my female owner went on a mini road trip with three church people whom she does not really know. The planned itinerary for the day was to hike up Mt Ngungun, which is part of the Glasshouse Mountains at Sunshine Coast. The group was meant to return to Brisbane by 1400hr but they ended extending their road trip till 1900hr. Perhaps my female owner managed to unleash impromptu vibes wherever she goes. Rather than heading home after the rewarding hike, the party went on to visit the well-known Buderim Ginger Factory (which, according to my female owner, sells awesome ginger beer at just AUD2/ bottle!) and the Noosa Main Beach at Sunshine Coast where she had a field day soaking in the super clear sea water.

One portion of the steep hike they had to conquer

view from the top of Mt Ngungun, at 253m

another perspective, my female owner says you have to be there to appreciate the 360 degrees spectacular view. it was worth the climb.

shoes NOT to wear on a hike

the yummy ginger beer that each of them bought, without knowing that the others also got it. am I making sense??

Ah, with things like this readily available, how not to like Oz?

wish

My female owner had a better day. She dragged herself to school in the hot autumn sun to complete some miscellaneous bits of work and to borrow some books to start her assignment on “workplace bullying”. No prizes for guessing why she chose to write on that topic, in a module entitled “Counselling and violence”. My female owner is now two shades darker, no thanks to the roasting properties of the Brisbane sun.

Her Singaporean friend contacted her about something upsetting. At such times, my female owner wishes that she knows the right words to say to encourage or comfort people. She finds it so hard to compose her thoughts and communicate them through SMS. I think I know what she means, you can’t really ask someone to “tell me more” in SMS and hope to get a proper understanding of the situation. What can you type in 160 characters that would make a difference to someone who is upset?

At night, she returned home and from the window, she saw her housemates sitting at the dining table talking solemnly. Female Housemate actually went back to her room by the time my female owner opened the front door. Male Housemate was left sitting at the table. He looked distressed and opened up to her about his stress. In a horrible mix of English and Mandarin, my female owner tried to understand what he was going through and provided some basic counselling. Again, my female owner was left wondering if she could have done any better to help a distressed person.

As a counsellor, who she is, is her main tool in effecting change. My female owner realises that it is time to sharpen herself so that she can be more effective in helping others.

just

My female owner had a bad-der day compared to yesterday. It was not as if anything bad really happened. She was just plain moody and emo over little things. Objectively, things went well for her:

• She completed some statistical analyses for her supervisor and sent it over to him for comments.
• She started on the journal publication that he wanted her to write and realised that it was not as tough as she thought it would be.
• She completed a large chunk of research admin work, something which she procrastinated for three weeks or so.
• Her placement was more or less confirmed.
• She managed to have a super light dinner (think diet plan) despite feeling emo.
• She managed to psyche herself to go for a quick run despite feeling hungry (c.f. consequence of the light dinner).
• She caught up with a fellow coursemate.
• Her friend called to check on her even though she said she was ok and didn’t need to talk.
• Her Singaporean friend shared some news with her which made her feel happy for her friend (vicarious happiness).

Yet, my female owner was moody and she amplified the odds and ends that happened today:

• She completed the statistical analyses but one imperfection in the results might mean that she had to redo the entire thing.
• Writing up certain parts of the article was easy for now but that was because she hadn’t started on the Introduction and Discussion sections.
• Her placement, though confirmed, was not what she wanted. Seems as if she has to conduct a lot of group therapy (think training!) with older adults (think weird accent for the clients!). And the supervisor is a neuropsychologist (?!!). My female owner had a crappy clinical supervisor the last time round. Recently, he avoided replying to her emails requesting for telephone supervision for an outstanding client. My female owner was and still is peeved at his lack of professionalism and ethics. She certainly hopes that this new supervisor will be better.
• To cope with the absence of externship, my female owner wanted to start on her first assignment over the weekend (she has no intention of going to school tomorrow) and decided to go to the library before it closed at 2200hr. Unfortunately, the library had a new closing time – 2000hr. Ah, another potentially unproductive weekend, unless she makes a special trip down to school…

It was just one reason after another to feel emo. My female owner whines a lot when she is distressed and sometimes ends up laughing at her childishness. My female owner also feels bad for feeling so emo, coz she knows that there are greater issues in life to grapple, and not whether you get a good placement/ supervisor.

Oh well.. justified or not, like what her Therapist Fren said, with a day like today, tomorrow can only be better!

wine

My female owner had such a bad day that she decided to cook seafood aglio olio. She even took the trouble to get a bottle of white wine to add to in the dish. Despite her most vivid imagination, it tasted nothing like the yummy one her friend cooked for her a few years ago when she went over to Melbourne. None the least, my female owner took delight in her meal.


At night, she responded to an impromptu jio by her Therapist Fren to go for a walk around the neighbourhood (they live in the same street now). Apparently, she had a tough day grappling with work politics. My female owner brought along her bottle of wine (2/3 left) and they ended up drinking at a nearby park. Logically, they knew that drinking wasn’t going to help them with their issues and furthermore, they were non-drinkers. They didn’t even drink enough to get high. However, it seemed to be their way of distracting themselves momentarily until they returned to their work afterwards.

She still has 1/3 of the bottle left.. and no, she hasn't reach the stage where she would drink by herself. Getting there it seems.

semester

Someone asked my female owner yesterday, “how was your first day of uni?”

My female owner’s response was, “the best I ever had! Didn’t go to school, lazed around the whole day, fed myself, napped, read for leisure…”

Certainly quite a far cry from what happened last year, where each new class she attended increased the amount of gloom and doom in her life.

Anyway, legend has it that she has less coursework and assessments to grapple with this semester. 2 modules, with 3 written assignments and 1 exam, possibly set on a single day. An externship that takes up 2-3 working days/ week. Again, she needs to clock up 100 hours of client contact and 150 hours of other related activities. Finally, a 10-hour paid RA work, helping her supervisor with his research (and possibly, expediting her thesis in the process).

In between all these, my female owner hopes to be able to spend more time pursuing leisure activities and building friendships with her bible study group and other individuals. She is also looking at spending less random time on the internet, in order to be more time efficient and productive.

Many exciting thoughts for Brisbane 2009. Its all about exploring new frontiers and letting go of familiar grounds. Professional, personal and spiritual development through more self-reflection and directed goal-setting. Appreciating the present rather than lamenting about the future or regretting the past.

My female owner is determined not to let this year slip her by, the way 2008 did. It is going to be a year of change for her. Yoo hoo!

xx

My female owner started on her xx number of attempts at dieting on Sunday. After one whole week of eating out, she decided that it was time to get serious about losing weight, otherwise her clothes would really not fit anymore.

She didn’t cut down on her snacks (she finished one box of Shapes in two days) but she tried to exercise more. On Sunday night, she replaced the temptation of NOT jogging with skipping at home. 300 times. Not much but a good enough start.

On Monday night, besides going for martial arts class in the evening (where she didn’t perspire much), she went for a quick jog around school at night. Only twenty minutes covering a shorter distance than usual but she felt that it was better to start small and slowly build up her stamina. Besides, her dodgy knee was threatening to act up, in response to the 300 skips the night before.

And she went to school to weigh herself today. My female owner expected to weigh more than previously, coz she was wearing jeans (rather than shorts) and she really did load up on glorious food the week before. Hence, she was not too upset with what she saw on the weighing scale.
Ah, another reason to keep up with her diet plan.

chill-out

In her attempt to capitalise on overseas living, my female owner made a day trip to Gold Coast with a friend last Saturday. Given that Singaporeans fork out more than $1000 to get to Gold Coast, my female owner found little justification to complain about the AUD8 transport fare she had to pay to get from her house to Gold Coast. While driving takes a speedy hour (one way), public transport takes a hefty 2.5 hours. That's 5 hours return!

Anyway, with the clear blue waters, sunny weather, white fluffy clouds, music from the ocean, quiet and serenity, the long journey was worth it.

Even though there were many people, the beach was so huge... you could just find a chill-out spot for yourself.

Sea-gulls (?) on a dateMy female owner, enjoying the serenity. She looks like she is deep in thought, but she is actually eating an ice-cream! Ever felt small, in the midst of crashing waves?
Just ride the waves!
My female owner played around with the different camera modes. The first one is the automatic setting. The second one is the beach setting. Spot any difference?

A and B

A guy presented at a group therapy for anxiety. His source of anxiety? Making decisions.

This sounds so much like my female owner! She gets stressed everytime she has to choose between two (or more options). Most of the time, she rather have only one option (i.e. no choice) so that she doesn’t agonise about her decision. Otherwise, she wishes that someone will make the decision for her.

This is how my female owner makes decision. Say there are two options, A and B. She will think (not list down visually) of all the pros and cons of both options. Because she looks in-depth at both sides and sees the good and the bad, she ends up in no-man’s land and rather, wishes to have the cake (pros of A) and to eat it (pros of B).

How can?

Anyway, that’s not all. After this analysis, she has to make a choice right? And so, she picks one, gingerly, with hope that it is the right (or better) one. After choosing (e.g. A), her thoughts start to shift. She will look at the cons of A and the pros of B and surely, soon after (can be like 5 minutes), she will start to regret her decision and wish she chose B instead. But the thing is, she would react in the same way even if she chose B.

At times, if it is possible, she might change her mind to take B, but most often, she will then change her mind again, to her original decision, A. The temporal switch is just a coping mechanism to soothe her anxiety.

Am I making sense? If I am not, blame it on my female owner’s haphazard thought processes!

lighter

My female owner was amused by a non-event. She was out with her church friends for dinner and they wanted to get some groceries from the supermarket.

FO: “I need to get a lighter”
*stunned looks*

Concerned friend(s): “why do you need a lighter?”
FO wondered why they needed to know why she needed a lighter. You won’t ask people why they need to get a bar of soap would you?

“I know, for birthday cakes right?”
Obviously trying to extinguish doubts about her smoking status.

FO: “No, for my personal use”
More stunned looks.

My female owner must have told at least 5 people that she needed a lighter and without fail, they asked her why she needed a lighter.

Persistent friend: “So, why do you need a lighter?”

FO: *smiles*

lull

My female owner has had a lull week, no thanks to her externship and internet plans gone awry. One week has come and gone and she is none the wiser on when she can resolve those issues. Test of her patience and adaptability it seems.

Anyway, with these frustrations looming at the back of her mind, my female owner was tossed a question during a mid-week dinner. Without knowing her actual age, one of her friends posed a thought-provoking question: “do you have goals which you want to achieve before you turn 30?”

To her horror, my female owner realised that never in her life had she set any before-30 goals. Sure, in the past, she wanted to get married by 25 and be a mother by 30. But it was never really a goal in the sense that she could not accomplish it alone. A couple of years ago, my female owner knew that her adolescent fantasy was not coming true (there was a time when my female owner was traditional in her mindset and not as individualistic as she is now) and decided to pursue her other long-time dream, which was to undergo postgrad training in psychology in Australia.

Yes, she is now living out her dream. Even though there was no before-30 goal to obtain her qualifications, her working assumption was that she would do it as soon as she could, married or not. So she is on the right track it seems.

The problem is, she has no other goals now. No wonder she has been feeling empty and aimless!

internet

My female owner recalls with amusement the time before 2007 when she did not have a respectable computer at home and much less, internet access. A working adult with access in the office, she certainly saw no need for either. However, her father directed her to purchase a desk top and apply for internet access at the end of 2006. Her father was then computer illiterate but wanted to have internet access at home so that he could do online bookings for his students.

Ah, and that was the start of the slippery slope of her “dependency” on MSN. Then, she added MSN to her computer but used it occasionally only as she was still attached and often not home. When she broke up, she had more free time and spent hours on MSN, chatting with a select few friends who supported her through the period.

Slowly but surely, her contact list grew and the time she spends on MSN increases as well. Now, she has about 100 people on her list, and during peak periods, more than 30 would be online at the same time. Without a shadow of doubt, the current disruption of internet access has been challenging for her.

Sense of loss.

Sense of aimlessness.

Lethargy.

Grief.

Seeking ways and means to get temporary connection.

Using distraction to nullify the absence.

Frustration.


My female owner wonders how she managed to cope in the past and whether she can return to the days of old where she lived life without the internet.

second

My female owner attended her second bujinkan lesson on Monday and enjoyed it much more than her first time. There was a new female student and the sensei spent a lot of time with them, teaching them various basic techniques. My female owner found that her aikido background helped her to pick up the moves faster. Bujinkan was refreshing as it extended her knowledge of aikido to include pinning the opponent to the ground, and even taking on more opponents. There was no fixed stance too, which makes the art more realistic. The sensei is after all, a police trainer.

Oh, and as usual, she loved the pain.

idling

Another day of idling around. My female owner went to school at about 1000hr with high hopes of getting some RA work done. The only things she accomplished at 1700hr were to 1) get the computer to work 2) obtain the key to her supervisor’s room 3) claim for 20 more hours of (undone) work 4) open some envelopes. She probably could claim an hour for those miscellaneous work.

You must be wondering what she did with the remaining hours. Hmm…she brought a new friend around campus for three hours, MSN, emails, calls, banking etc…

And she realised with glee that she is one of the few coursework students who has her own office in school (because of her RA work). Not that she minds hanging around the computer lab coz that’s where exchange of valuable information takes place.

lousy

My female owner has been having lousy days. Her internet connection (read: source of social support) is still not up and might be delayed for 2-3 more weeks as her housemate has just found a new internet provider and they need time to check things out. Her externship placement has reached a stalemate for various reasons and the liaison officer is (deliberately?) uncontactable. That leaves her in a limbo.

Having completed her clinic work, my female owner has a lot of free time on her hands now. Not a good sign, in light of not having internet connection to do her work/ research/ connect with others, frustration with the school’s system (she won’t recommend this programme to anyone at this point in time), having to get used to new housemates (need to be chirpy when she sees them, remember, she is anti-social and sullen by nature) and bible study friends (most are still acquaintances). Gives her a lot of reasons to ruminate and feel sorry for herself (self-pity is probably one of her greatest strengths!). There are other factors contributing to her gloom but suffice to say, today, she felt really alone. Despite having met up with two friends separately who helped her settle some important miscellaneous issues, she felt isolated.

It’s just not the same in Brisbane. You are really alone. No one goes through the same thing as you. No one feels your angst the way you do.

The pastor said on Sunday that sometimes, God pulls you out of your comfort zone and puts you in a new environment to mould you. Perhaps that is really the case for my female owner. She is finding the process of getting back into postgrad studies tougher than last year. Previously, as a dry sponge, she could soak up anything readily. Now, she needs to get rid of past experiences (e.g. of how things had been and if only they stayed the same) in order to embrace new ones. Ah, the smell of fresh challenges awaits her eagerly.

And she can’t believe that she has to deal with work politics as a paying student! She left her former office partly because her inability to thrive in brewing politics. The main difference is that back then, she was paid to endure them but now, she pays to experience them! Amazing world this is.

Today, just two weeks back in Brisbane, my female owner has declared that she hates psychologists. A profession which is supposed to make life better for others, she has experienced so much angst working with them, for them and studying with them. The world needs healing and most certainly, not through psychologists.

day

My female owner has been ruminating about whether she will get along with her housemates. There is always a possibility that things start off well but fizzle out soon after. Anyway, she spent the whole of Saturday with her housemates and found them to be really accommodating and peace-loving.

First, Male Housemate drove them to Rocklea Brisbane Market where the ladies could shop for cheap fresh produce for the week ahead. The three of them had a ball of time trying to teach each other Chinese/ English names of fruits and vegetables. For example, did you know that the Chinese name for bell peppers is simply 大辣椒? My female owner was expecting something classy, at least for capsicums. And if you wondering, how to differentiate the different colours, just put the name of the colour in front: 红/青/黄 大辣椒.

Then Male Housemate kept his promise to bring my female owner to set up a phone and internet line (Now, you need to know that for most part of her life, she had been surrounded by men who do not keep their promises or change their minds at the last minute. Hence, she was not sure if Male Housemate would remember what he said he would do). At their first meeting during the inspection, he had expressed a reluctance to get an internet connection as he did not require one. However, he was still willing to share in the monthly subscription. Male Housemate was a little peculiar in the sense that while he was put off by the set-up fee of $60 each for the phone and internet but he was okay with subscribing to a more expensive internet package ($50/ month for 50G as opposed to $40/ month for 25G) if my female owner wanted more G. In fact, he kept asking my female owner if 25G was sufficient for her (the working assumption is that his wife and him would not be using much).

Then they went for more grocery shopping at the shopping centre and Male Housemate happily wheeled the trolley around. Ah, gentlemanly. My female owner’s type of guy.

After sending them home, Male Housemate trotted off to school to do some work while Female Housemate went to sleep. My female owner read a book and cooked out of boredom. Female Housemate later woke up and attempted to bake a simple cake. And offered some to my female owner. Wahaha! Favour! They were in the living room to talking about cakes and such when Male Housemate came home.

Despite having a long day, he was still in a cheery mood and sat down with them to chit-chat. Another hour of fun chat and intellectual exchange where he asked my female owner about the history of Singapore (?!). My female owner actually managed to provide a fairly accurate account of Singapore’s history (or so she hopes).
In the past, my female owner hardly had the experience of sitting down to chat with her housemates, just for the sake of chatting. This was refreshing for her and certainly in line with how she wanted their relationship to pan out.

lip read

The first time my female owner learnt about lip-reading was in primary school when she was reading a Sweet Valley High book. In this particular story, a new girl joined the school and although she was fun and friendly, she seemed to ignore certain people. Shortly after, her new friends found out that reason why – she was deaf and needed to look at people in the face in order to read lip.

My female owner met her first lip-reader in church today. He is someone from her new bible study. It is amazing how he adapts to his disability. He can even hold a conversation while driving. And although he is a Caucasian, he taught himself Mandarin and Cantonese! How’s that for being an over-comer of physical difficulties?!

My female owner’s new house is very different from the apartment she lived in last year. While you can call the previous apartment a condominium, the current unit is like a three-room HDB flat. Small and compact. Ha! You can call it a downgrade. Rent remains the same at $150 though.

The living room. All the furniture was purchased by her housemates. Check out the mini-plant on the table. My female owner was captivated by these minute details. There is a veranda behind the blinds for sunning your laundry.

The almost self-sufficient kitchen. Nice environment to cook, because you can look out into the open as you prepare your food. While it is equipped for Chinese cooking, the kitchen does not having baking materials and the oven is dodgy.

The corridor that leads to the two rooms and the bathroon. The toilet is on the right. No prizes for guessing which is my female owner's room.

Even the bathroom is space-efficient. Squeezing in a shower, a sink, a washing machine, a dryer and a cupboard!

Ah, my female owner's room, as seen from the doorway. Being more spacious, it is probably the only upgrade from the previous apartment. The study table is behind the wardrobe.

The other perspective, from the windows. Check out some of the familiar items!
The "intellectual" area where my female owner intends to do her work.

carpentry

My female owner embarked on her maiden carpentry attempt a few days ago. Her goal, to build a respectable wardrobe that would not collapse upon loading. Determined not to impose on her housemates, she rejected the Chinese lady’s suggestion to wait for her hubby to return home that night to help her.

And so, she started.

The box that contains all she needs to build her wardrobe. 36kg worth of materials.

How her wardrobe is supposed to look like.

Nails and parts which made no sense to her at this point in time. Though small, they were nonetheless essential in holding up the wardrobe eventually.

The large materials. Darn heavy!

The finished product! After two hours of sweat and correcting minor errors.

My female owner thoroughly enjoyed the process of carpentry. To her, it was just like doing a jigsaw puzzle, except that it was three-dimentional. It was exciting knowing that the outcome would be something she likes. She also imagined Jesus (Who was a carpenter) doing His carpentry work. Slowly but surely, putting together random pieces of materials to build something useful.

And yes, no guys needed for this.

moved

My female owner finally moved into her new house yesterday, after one week of procrastination and denial. This is the story of her house-hunting melodrama. She was meant to search for a 2-room unit to share with one of her church friends. After a couple of days of fruitless search and other considerations, my female owner suggested splitting up to which her friend was agreeable.

True to her lazy and goal-oriented style, my female owner identified the grand total of ONE house to inspect. Not trusting herself to make a good decision, she dragged her Therapist Fren along to provide a second opinion.

The unit, situated near school, was being rented by a Chinese couple. They were looking for an Asian female post-graduate student who would be neat and quiet to take the other room. My female owner fitted the bill perfectly. She could tell that the couple was keen to take her in (among the others who turned up for the inspection).

The Chinese guy told her that he would contact her the next day to let her know his answer. Although the house was pleasant and the couple seemed nice, my female owner was hesitant about staying there. For one, she was plagued by the horror stories she heard about Chinese people not being clean (so sorry, I’m not trying to be racist here). At the same time, she was afraid that they might be too anal for her. And living with couples can be difficult in the event that a disagreement happens. You are automatically the sole minority! Also, her room did not come with a wardrobe and the house did not have internet connection. This meant that her set-up costs would be inflated. There was only one bathroom and one toilet, so that might mean a tight squeeze in the mornings. In addition, my female owner did not inspect other houses, so she might be able to find somewhere more suitable if she put in more effort.Etc etc…

Anyway, my female owner went to bed that night, telling God that if the house was offered to her, she would take it. Obviously, the Chinese guy called her to offer the house to her the next day. Although my female owner said yes, she remained hesitant and two-minds about it. She had thoughts of pulling out even as she moved her stuff in two days later…

Hence, the one week of procrastination before she moved in permanently. My female owner even began wishing that she was staying with church friends or familiar people so that things will be easier for her. However, she was also drawn to the unknown, the experience of learning to adapt to live with real strangers, which is the hallmark of overseas living. She was also attracted to the high possibility of improving her Mandarin and culinary skills. Having a guy in the house also meant that he would probably do all things technical/ electrical (ah, so much for her feminist “who-says-you-need-a-man?” streak). Also, through their actions, the couple did seem genuinely nice, accommodating and neat.

My female owner realised that a great deal of the conflict arose out of her own insecurities, and the lack of trust in God to make things right for her. Once again, she had the mindset of taking matters in her own hands and use her own efforts to gain their favour.

Trust God.

working group

Brisbane 2009 requires my female owner to adapt to new environments. One of the new things is her new bible study group. Some of you may know that she has opted to move to the working group, as opposed to staying with the student group she was in last year.

Student group was the first bible study group she attended regularly, in a space of seven years. Oh wait, she did attend her Onli Fren’s hubby’s group for a while when she was working.

Anyway, although she did not feel a great sense of loss last year during the farewell party, my female owner (call it delayed response) started to feel a sense of attachment towards the individuals in the Student group, when she returned to church on Sunday and saw them again.

And she started to doubt her decision to move to the Working group. Staying in the Student group would have been an easier option for her. Established friendships, common life-styles, and even, nearer meeting places for their weekly bible study! Moving to a new group causes my female owne to fret over uncertainties and instability.

With these issues brewing in her heart and mind, my female owner made her way to the Working group for the very first time, in a different suburb plagued by the notorious evening traffic jam.

It’s like starting all over again for her as she doesn’t know more than half of the people in the group. Making small talk. Finding out their backgrounds. Introducing herself. Making MORE small talk. Undoing previous experiences. Trying to adjust to new group dynamics and culture. Wondering why she made things difficult for herself. I can’t blame her for wishing she was with the Student group who were baking yummy muffins tonight.

Yet, despite her reservations and awkwardness, my female owner believes that she made the right decision. She can't say that she left the place feeling totally comfortable or at home, but she is willing to give herself time and space to adjust. After all, they are all fellow church friends.

Ikea

My female owner experienced a little piece of Singapore, when she went with a friend to explore Ikea, situated in a suburb far away from her location. Though the travelling time was long (about 1.5hrs), the journey itself was an enjoyable and eye-opening experience in which she saw other parts of Queensland. Different living conditions, different kinds of folks.

Pity she didn’t bring out her chio camera.

The yummy meatballs.

The familiar trendy décor. Fancy seeing the same things in you would in Singapore Ikea! Ah, that connection brought warm to an otherwise grieving international student.

Even the $1 hotdog was available!

Ah, and the logical person would ask, why did she go all the way to Ikea? To get furniture it seems.

By the end of the day, my female owner is the proud owner of a yet-to-be-delivered-and-waiting-for-her-to-assemble wardrobe. Believe me when I say that she vacillated between two options at the speed of a motorised pendulum. She really needs a decision-maker friend in her life. Too much deliberation, intolerance of uncertainty and lack of prioritising make her a poor and hesitant decision-maker.

And oh, my female owner is wondering if she will be able to set up the wardrobe all by herself. Her first attempt at carpentry. Everyone, cross your fingers and toes.

1 down

One week down and 40+ more to go before my female owner returns home. Ah, just about the same amount of time required for a foetus to come to full term. Also the same length of time for an aikido newbie to train and to go for his first belt (blue) grading. In the same train of thought, that was the same amount of time my female owner took, from picking up flute for the first time to sitting for her Grade 3 examination.

So many other random things one can accomplish in 40 weeks. What do you plan to accomplish? If you don’t know where you are going, then it doesn't matter where you are going.

My female owner hasn't really worked out her plans for this year. Yes, 12.5% of the year is gone and she has yet to sort out her thoughts. I'm sure she will eventually, before the year is out.

us

Before she left last week, she managed to get a turtle family photo. See how slim I look. Camera angles can be deceiving!

From bottom left in clockwise fashion: Dona, Nanook, Nooki, Dodo

This is how I really look. Ouh, so bloated right?

fruitful

My female owner had one of her better days in Brisbane today.

She had her day planned out in general terms.
Buy some groceries to bring to new house (more on that next time).
Go to new house to cook lunch (aka instant noodles).
Go to school to close her client files and meet the clinic manager.
Go back to new house to meet her housemate to discuss matters.
Reach back temporary lodging at about 2100hr.

The day turned out more fruitful than expected. She did get groceries and cook at her new house. She completed her client files and received the ok to pass her internship at 197 hours.

In addition, she
Caught up with a number of her coursemates who were in the computer lab.
Found out that she lost 1kg since last Friday!
Had a freshly cooked dinner delivered to her by her Therapist Fren (impromptu!)
Had an intimate talk-cum-laughing-session with her Therapist Fren.
Walked to her new house with her Therapist Fren
Spoke to her new housemate for two hours. Got to know him better (more on that next time).
Soothed her anxiety about her new place (again, will update in due time).
Improved her Mandarin. Learnt new words, even in writing.
Moved her things from her Therapist Fren’s house to her new house.
Got home at 2330hr, flat-out but happier than yesterday.

A fruitful day indeed.

brisbane 09

Like the prodigal son, my female owner went for church service today, the first time in about two months. She entered the service, humbled from the revelation she had last night and weary from one week of (mal)adjustment.

My female owner knew she was still upset about being in Brisbane, coz she teared while talking to a friend who was just asking her “so how, are you still upset (they last met on Friday) about coming back?” Was good that the friend was sitting quite a distance away, having her lunch, so she couldn’t see my female owner’s tears. Anyway, that was the kind of mood my female owner brought with her to church.

Service was held in a lecture theatre with no air-conditioning on. Despite that, my female owner was ready to bare her heart and soul to God. She knew she had to return to God. During the short praise and worship session, the word PASSIVE screamed out at her.

Passive in reaching out to God, passive in this relationship she has with God. Passive in seeking God, passive in saying and asking God for directions and answers to important questions in her life.

She also realised that after an exhausting year in 2008, she simply has no strength to fight as hard as she did last year. The road ahead contains the same kind of bumps as last year and some others, in the form of rigid systems, staff and politics. She has been questioning herself, why psychology? Why be so ambitious and pursue a doctorate? Why couldn’t she be contented with life in Singapore, and just stay employed as she was?

God asked her why she kept going to friends for help and advice and not to Him. Why didn’t she trust Him enough? Why did she take things upon herself and behave as if there is no God?

God dealt with her emotions too. He showed that it was ok to feel sad coz it was part of being human. What was not ok was that she forced herself to not to feel sad, thinking that Christians should not feel sad. What He wanted her to do instead is to bring her unhappinesses etc to Him and not hoard them in her heart.

Like flashes of lighting, God bombarded her, some from the Bible, some regarding her situation.

Rejoice always. In your circumstances. My joy will be your strength.

Not by might, nor by power, but by My Spirit, says the Lord of hosts. Who are you, O great mountain? Before Zerubbabel you shall become a plain!

I am the same yesterday, today and forever. What you once experienced as a youth, I can do much more than that. Don’t let your age deter you.

I am faithful. See what I have done for you in 2008? I am faithful.

Seek ye first the kingdom of God and all His righteousness, and all these will be added unto you.

Draw near to Me and I will draw near to you.

I can do exceedingly abundantly above all that you can ever think or dream of.

I know you, I made you. Come to me, don’t struggle on your own.

So many words of life, as my female owner waited on the Lord today.

Moving forward, my female owner asked God to show her what He had in store for her for Brisbane 2009. The guiding verse for 2008 was Proverbs 3:5-6. She wants a guiding verse for this year too.

As what Aussies will say, it’s time to stop mucking around with God.

passivity

My female owner is enjoying her stay at her temporary place, so much so that she is reluctant to move out. Housemate has been very warm and easy to talk to (despite the huge age-gap!). Everyday, they would laugh over silly things together. It seems as if their thinking styles are similar, thus the ease in connecting. My female owner had never been close to any of her housemates in the past, coz she never made the effort to get to know them better. Talk about passivity. This time round, Housemate had been the one approaching her to talk to her and as per her usual wait-for-others-to-make-the-first-move-before-i-become-friendly self, my female owner stayed passive but reciprocated her friendliness when she approached.

Yourself to Blame

If things go bad for you

And make you a bit ashamed

Often you will find out that

You have yourself to blame

Swiftly we ran to mischief

And then the bad luck came

Why do we fault others?

We have ourselves to blame

Whatever happens to us,

Here is what we say

"Had it not been for so-and-so

Things wouldn't have gone that way."

And if you are short of friends,

I'll tell you what to do

Make an examination,

You'll find the faults in you...

You are the captain of your ship,

So agree with the same

If you travel downward

You have yourself to blame

by Mayme White Miller

wake-up

After indulging in self-pity for five days, my female owner got a little waking-up call from her current housemate. For those who are wondering, she is currently bunking in with a church friend until she moves to a permanent place.

Her housemate, a young and chatty girl from China, always enters her room to talk to her about things that are on her heart. Last night was no exception. Housemate came back from bible study, all charged up and excited because of the sharings she heard from others in the group.

My female owner could see the hunger in her, to experience God in a real and personal way. That yearning and desire to be used by God in the greatest way possible, to bless others and to lead others to Him.

In the midst of her busyness, self-indulgence and fun-seeking in Singapore, my female owner had lost her focus. She was literally taking a spiritual holiday and not cherishing the time she had and the season she was in.

God brought to mind the prayer she made together with her Intuitive Fren at the front pouch of his relative’s house on the night she met up with him in Singapore. The prayer they made, to seek God fully and to never let go, until God shows His power to them. She was earnest in her prayer then and would have gone on to pray more if time and place permitted. But oh, how easy it was, for my female owner to be consumed by her fleshy desires and distracted by her own emotions, and to sweep that prayer to the back of her mind.

Coming back to Brisbane, my female owner did not make the effort to meet anyone from church, unless necessary. It was as if she was trying to avoid this part of her life. She is due to join a new bible study group, leaving behind people whom she is closer to. Because of social anxiety, unfamiliarity with half of the members and apathy, she did not announce her arrival to them. An email would suffice but she didn’t. So many things have changed since she left Brisbane and returned. It is just so easy to live in denial and mope around and then feel guilty about it.

The waking-up call was good. It is time to live in the present and not in the memories of the past.

心酸

My female owner is still upset about being back in Brisbane. She checked around and found out that being homesick is normal and common. My female owner finds that she is grappling with the same issue of procrastination, except that now, she is also homesick and 心酸 (literally heart sour) about leaving．

Eating is no longer a pleasure, just a functional human activity. Sleeping, no longer sweet and yummy, but a means of temporal escape to a land of fantasy. Yet, I must add, she ends up dreaming of people in Singapore! MSN? Cold comfort, in a land away from home.

At the same time, her schoolwork hounds her. Client files to close. Case study to rewrite. Supervision records to update and record. External placement runs into problems. God knows what else she missed out. Oh yes, courses to register for. Deadlines to meet so that she can transfer to another programme. Her RA work. Buried under her inefficiency.

Questions. Anxiety. Insecurities. Fantasies. Wondering if all this is worth it. And would she ever know the answer? And if she does, will it be too late? If too late, too late for what?

Ruminations. Fear. More fear.

Lost.

This is what homesickness does to you.

hunting

Although my female owner is stressed over finding a suitable place to stay in, she has calmed down enough (or resigned to her situation) to muse over the process.

Much as she wished that God will simply drop a house into her lap, the way He did last year, she is starting to see how this process is moulding her.

For one, it is taking her out of her comfort zone. A passive person by nature, my female owner is now being forced to actively pursue something which she needs. In addition, she cannot afford to procrastinate too much. Trust me when I say that she is taking her own sweet time. It’s an avoidant strategy, so if she can’t find a place, she can say that she didn’t try hard enough. Rather than pia all the way and then fail to get a place.

She is also forced to hone her decision-making skills and make decisions in light of various options and factors. With so many choices, it is getting hard for my female owner to decide.

My female owner likens finding a suitable place to choosing a life partner. No room is perfect, each with strengths and flaws. It is about deciding what you can live with or forgo. When you sign the lease, you give up the chance of staying in a better place should one come around later. By not committing to any, you leave your options open, but you may end up with poor quality houses later on as the better rooms are taken.

This may not apply to all room-hunters but for my female owner, she needs to take into consideration, her parents’ feelings. For a while, she was toying with the idea of sharing houses with guys coz the places which appealed to her were generally occupied by guys. But after talking through with her Onli Fren, my female owner may give up this option, coz her parents would have concerns about her safety.

Anyway, like what Onli Fren said, all guys are bad!

learnt

My female owner learnt a few random things today.

According to her faithful weighing scales located in the school’s pharmacy, she maintained her weight loss from her peak of 63.35kg in Brisbane (measured at the time when Potahto and her started this beer and wings championship, which by the way, they never got down to doing. It was either one or the other). However, she is still slightly heavier than just before she left for Singapore. About 350g heavier lah. But overall, she gained about 4kg since she first stepped into Brisbane.

She probably just had the best haircut in her life, with a number of people telling her that it looks nice/ makes her look younger etc. It even crossed cultures, with aussies singing praises of her haircut. Either that, or her last hairdo was a year-long disaster and so, the contrast was refreshing.

One can actually perspire in Brisbane. The weather is amazingly scotching and humid. She perspires more in Brisbane than in Singapore playing badminton.

Behavioural signs that she is not coping well with stress include her not replying to emails requiring her inputs and being on invisible mode on MSN. An even more serious sign is when she skip her binge-eating tendency and transit into a non-eating mode.

Though not a surprise, she can certainly do with more planning and less spontaneity in her life.

hit

My female owner says that the first night alone in Brisbane is always one of the hardest to cope with, coz that's when reality hits you and you realise that you are really alone. It happened to her last night. Laying on a sleeping bag without a pillow (she was still on a bed), in a foreign room that is not hers, the sinking feeling of being alone and on her own crashed into her being.

Overnight, she replaced her sense of security and connectivity to a network of support and established relationships with an unfamiliar surrounding and an unknown future waiting for her to explore and build.

Some random things which she know she will miss in Singapore (besides her usual activities):

Being able to nominate her parent(s) as a contact person in times of emergency. In Brisbane, there is no one close enough and she used to list some random friend.

Being able to open her fridge and choose anything she wants without restrictions.

Having access to cheap food, thus not having to think constantly about what to cook and working out a budget.

A sense of rootedness and stability.

My female owner finds these two days very difficult to cope with. House-hunting has been difficult. Houses are scarce and hunters are plentiful. She is living out of a suitcase, restricted in terms of clothes, stationary and other logistics as she is bunking in with someone till she finds somewhere permanent. Right now, she is really like one of us turtles, living with a shell. Wahaha.

Overwhelmed by uncertainty and anxiety, my female owner decided to give up house-hunting for a while and focus on other things. A short chat with her Onli Fren also brought her focus back to God. That calmed her down somewhat. Things will get better, definitely.

chio

My female owner bought another chio gadget recently, her Lenovo S10 netbook.

She bought it in anticipation that she would be travelling for long hours for her external placement and possibly staying at other people’s houses from time to time.

It was the first time she bought an electronic gadget without being accompanied by a tech-expert. She felt really proud of herself, for taking this step of independence, to decide on a tech item by herself. (Who says you need a man to help you with such things?!)

Given the rush she was in (coz she procrastinated on purchasing this big-ticket item until the day before she was flying off), the only things my female owner did were to check whether the wireless connection worked and to download Acrobat Reader. She also tried to install MSN messager to replace the Windows messager which was already in the netbook. Somehow it didn't work.

After reaching Brisbane, she realised that horrors of horrors! She forgot to install Word applications on her netbook. That means that she can’t really do any schoolwork on her chio netbook. She escaped this problem previously coz she passed her laptop to her friend who helped her to install all the necessary applications.

Maybe she needs a man (for such purposes) after all.

Anyway, she is trying to find a suitable name for her netbook. Any suggestions? Her netbook is white and chio... so she wants something more feminine and pure...

glum

My female owner had a grouchy and gloomy day, walking under the sweltering Brisbane sun in a bid to find a house. Apparently, she has a lot on her mind, with accommodations and daily living arrangements being a high priority. She also needs to complete her internship at her school asap. Plus her RA work, freelance work and other daily hassles, she was THE picture of glum.

Her Therapist Fren told her not to be so harsh on herself. After all, it was only her first day back in Brisbane. But you know my female owner, she gets overwhelmed easily, when things are uncertain and she is hard-pressed for time.

repeats

And so history repeats itself, in a way. Slightly more than a year ago, my female owner spent her last night in Singapore wondering what the future holds in a land she never visited before. Having survived one year and celebrated many successes along the way, my female owner is still feeling the same kind of apprehension, fear and insecurity as she did a year ago before she left.

It doesn’t comfort her to know that she has “been there, done that”, and that the second year is reputed to be much easier than the first. It doesn’t warm her heart, to know that much as she is leaving behind good friends in Singapore, there are friendships in Brisbane waiting for her to rekindle, invest and cause to blossom.

It makes her upset, knowing that she is probably unable to return to Singapore till the end of the year. One year away from her loved ones. Still the same her, depressive, reluctant and lost… wondering what she got herself into. Somehow, having said goodbye twice doesn’t make it any easier..

The emo side of her wants to quit and remain in Singapore, because her heart is here. The logical side of her (fortunately, this side is usually stronger in crucial times.. except in the department of BGRs) knows she has to move on with her life and to complete the journey that she has chosen to start.

again

My female owner did it again. She got drunk/ high/ tipsy hanging out with her Impromptu Frens. As usual, she made a spectacle of herself with her usual symptoms (as what Potahto puts it) – getting aggressive if her drink was taken away from her, leaning over at people for support, knocking out for a period of time and crying when conscious.

My female owner, in spite of her delirium last night, was upset during the time she was not herself. For the first time in a long time, all her Impromptu Frens (including a new addition who responses to impromptu jios, but level of commitment not tested out) turned up for an event and she didn’t maximise the precious limited time available.

Instead, she walked straight into temptation by devouring beer and red wine at the same time and playing number guessing games. And that meant that she couldn’t interact with her friends meaningfully or even say a proper farewell to them.

Although not the youngest in the group, my female owner is probably the youngest in terms of mental age and exposure to the “real world”. It makes her deeply embarrassed to recall how she has once again inconvenienced her friends; to the girls who had to escort her to the toilet many times and to her Clever Fren who inadvertently had to send her home since he was the only one who drove. To the new addition, who fortunately or unfortunately, was drinking with them for the first time and was (I’m sure this is unfortunate) sitting next to her. He thus had to deal with her nonsense and randomness like “can you zip up my bag?”. According to Potahto, his response, after some fumbling, was “there is no zip!”. Now, who is the sober one? There was a zip on the uncomplicated bag.

But at the same time, my female owner is warmed by their friendship, kindness and care. In their own ways, they have all made sacrifices during this period to catch up with her. For reasons like this, it makes leaving even more difficult!

two

Everyone of us turtles has been in denial of my female owner’s impeding departure. We are not coping well. Nanook is hiding in her corner, Dodo in his. Dona in his and hey, me too. So basically, all of us are just sulking in our corners. Refusing to admit that my female owner is going away for a long time, again.

My female owner, on her part, has been kept busy in her last week of Singapore. Once again, in her ex-boss’ words, she over-committed herself. The major culprit, her freelance interviewing job, which takes up all her free time at home. In case you are wondering why she is doing only that at home, that’s because the next culprit, comes a close second. That is, a last-ditch effort to meet up with her friends AND still spending enough time at home with her parents.

My female owner ended up sleeping late, waking up early and feeling stressed. At times, she even wonders what she got herself into as a result of her poor time management skills, inability to prioritise her tasks and lack of planning skills.

Today, she finally decided that it was time to check the details of her flight. And the only reason why she got down to doing it, was because her Impromptu Frens COMMITTED (wahaha, such a foreign concept!) themselves to seeing her off this time round (and indulging in yummy Popeye at the same time) and she didn’t want them to make a wasted trip.

Oh well… two more sleeps. TWO. That’s as many front paws as I have.

stopover

My female owner has been running around attending to various aspects of her life. This is, after all, the last week of her time in Singapore. She tends to over-commit herself due to her varying interests, whims and fancies and pays the price by sleeping late and being stressed.

Anyway, she brought a visitor home on Monday. Her Intuitive Fren who is currently holidaying here. They met earlier through an impromptu jio and decided to stopover to say hi to her parents. Wahaha. Been a long time since she introduced us turtles to any of her friends. Ah, the first thing she did when she introduced me was (yes, you guessed it), to point out how fat I was.

How’s that for self-esteem?

world

My female owner went out today for badminton with her Impromptu Frens. It was unusual, coz she hardly goes out on Sundays, choosing instead to stay home to be with her family. That also goes to say that she hasn’t been attending church for most of her Sundays. In a feeble attempt to soothe her conscience, my female owner has declared that she has stopped trying to wake up in time for church. This is despite the faithful efforts of her Onli Fren who tried to accommodate her impromptu lifestyle by jioing her to go to church on Sunday mornings itself. Quite a tall order, especially since my female owner tends to hang out late on Saturday nights. Not sure if it is purely coincidental, but the sole of my female owner’s shoe came off during badminton today. This caused her Christian Librarian Fren to comment that she has a “broken sole”. Wahaha. So punny.

Anyway, my female owner’s hiatus from Busy Brisbane is coming to an end. Being a swinging jobless single mature adult is quite an experience. From seeing how your peers have moved on to set up their own families, to feeling left behind because your once-comrades have advanced up the corporate ladder, to watching how quickly the world has changed while you are in your own postgrad bubble, my female owner feels a sense of disconnect from the “real world”. In her world, there is no progression to another stage of family life. In her world, she fades to near obscurity in comparison to her once-comrades whose career horses are carrying them far into their promised lands. And in her world, she is somewhat shielded from the raging economic downturn. After all, life is about spending within the meagre pay you get as a dodgy research assistant.

Meeting up with people in this neutral capacity, they start to reveal themselves in ways she never saw before. The good, the bad and the ugly. Having more time to reflect on herself and on life, she sees so many things that she wants to be, but is not. Her flaws become crystal clear, her strengths, as exciting as cracks forming on the bathroom wall.

Human nature. Such an interesting phenomenon to observe and muse over. Trying not to be too trusting is tiring. Where to draw the line between giving benefit of the doubt and mistrust? Being scheming? Goes against her straightforward nature. Blame it on her secondary school principal who ingrained in her to “call a spade a spade”. Just say things as they are.

Life is living in the present. It does not start when my female owner gets her doctorate and rejoins the workforce, or when she achieves some other milestones. My female owner’s world may be different from her contemporaries, but it is by no means inferior or dodgy.