detox

My female owner feels that she needs a mental detox after being among her classmates today. Somehow, Tuesdays seem to get her down really badly. It is not the long hours that leave her feeling emo and emo. It’s the negative vibes she absorbs from her coursemates during the day, vibes that creeps up on her and suffocates her by the end of the day.

Today, her coursemates were complaining about the poor quality of the programme and how their cohort had been shortchanged in terms of poor teaching, narrow syllabus and dodgy placements.

While she can choose to ignore their gripes, there is no denying that the programme had been far from satisfying and that there were grains of truth in their complaints. After a short off-loading to her Economist Fren (my female owner was pleasantly surprised that for all his male-brain logic, he was actually quite empathetic and comforting), she realised that the core issue surrounding her unhappiness about her current externship is her unmet expectations of what an externship should entail.

The school set such high standards for students to meet, but is incompetent in fulfilling its part of the bargain. Like why do you make people clock X number of hours, when the quality of your placement sites/ supervisors is compromised? Why accept so many students in the first place, if externships are far and few between? Why are new requirements not communicated to the students?

Ah… so many dodgy areas to probe. Students are paying more than the cost of their school fees for administration negligence. My female owner has not met a happy student in a long while.

Detox anyone?

trajectory

Despite moving up to a young working adult group, my female owner realised that she is probably still the oldest female in the group. Ah, such a role reversal. Growing up in her first (and most memorable and life-changing) cell group, my female owner was the baby of the group (yah, please don’t look at her physical size. In a way, my sister, Nanook, takes after my female owner. The biggest in size, but smallest in age).

Offhand, my female owner can’t recall how many gals were in the group. Probably about 15? It’s strange. Despite the years of growing up together in sweet innocence and earnest warmth, my female owner has never really once stopped to reminisce those years. It is as if she had subconsciously tried to dissociate herself from a part of her life which was once almost perfect, divine and innocent.

A time when her friends and her were more similar than different. When everyone was happy (most of the time). When everyone was so enthusiastic about God and church and worked together to organise events and camps.

15 years on. Each gal pursuing her own life trajectory. Now more different than similar. Some still close as ever. Others have somehow vanished. Friendships once warm with love have gone cold with neglect.

同人不同命

If the gals had known life would turn out the way it had for each of them, would they have done anything to change their life’s trajectory? The decisions you make today, affects the course of your tomorrow.

fly

My female owner has been feeling out of sorts this week. Could be an accumulation of anxiety, self-reflection/ criticism and split personalities.

Anyway, she was dozing off at about 1400hr this afternoon (maybe she was trying to conveniently escape going to church) when she had a short dream so real, she felt a great sense of relief within the dream when she realised in the dream that she was dreaming. Do I make sense so far?

In the dream, my female owner was resting (even her dreams are so lazy!) when suddenly, it hit her that it was already November 2009! She couldn’t believe that time flew by her so fast and felt a heavy sinking feeling that she had, once again, while her time away. But because she couldn’t believe that time passed so quickly, she paused to think about it for a moment and realised that it was only Mar, and she had just been dreaming.

Yes, within the dream, she realised she was dreaming.

Nonetheless, my female owner woke up, recognising the warning message behind the dream. And yes, she made it to church in time. A good session, she said.

Can Fren

My female owner made a new MSN friend (Can Fren) recently. In real life, Can Fren is a fellow aikidoka who recently rejoined her dojo after being away in Australia for a couple of years. My female owner did not remember him (what’s new) but she reckoned they had probably trained together for a short while before he left. So they trained together during the short period when my female owner was back in Singapore.

Anyway, now that she is back in BRisbane, Can Fren and her started chatting more over Facebook and one day, Can Fren asked her via FB for her MSN address. My female owner promptly replied his email. For the next one month, Can Fren and her kept up with their FB chats. As a result, my female owner was left wondering why he had not added her to MSN and even went back to her email to check that she had replied to his email.

Finally, during one of their FB exchanges, Can Fren asked her (probably out of exasperation) to “come on MSN” and in an eureka moment, my female owner realised that she had given him the wrong MSN address. Wahaha. So Can Fren had been waiting for one month for my female owner to come online while my female owner had been waiting for one month for him to add her! And despite their constant cyber contact, no one actually asked the other what happened! Such is their patience. Can Fren had thought that my female owner had been having problems with her internet/ too busy to come on. And my female owner just attributed to the male inefficiency.

In true blue female owner’s style, my female owner made Can Fren accept 5% of the blame for this mis-connection. Her argument was that he failed to complete what he started on, i.e. to get himself on my female owner’s MSN. Can Fren resisted coz his argument was that he had done his part, i.e. asked for her MSN address and made a request.

Finally Can Fren said that he would accept 5% of the blame, coz “can, you woman (or girl, my female owner’s preference), anything also can.” Such a nice Can Fren.

death

In summary, my female owner had a bad week. You know she has a bad week when she starts eating more, sleeping more, swearing more and drinking more. Besides the vices popping out like pimples (such a gross analogy right), she also starts to withdraw from people socially and cyberly and completes little work.

My female owner was thrown into the deep end when she started her placement at a RACF (like an old folks' home). Unlike other placements where the clients come seeking for help, my female owner has to go around looking for people who might benefit from psychological interventions. This runs against my female’s owner passive and anti-social personality.

The first day was hard. With the staff clueless about the purpose of her placement, she found herself doing things that volunteers would do, e.g. helping residents to move from one venue to another, pushing wheelchairs, serving them food and drinks and exercising with them. However, my female owner was driven by the age-old maxim that “people don’t care how much you know, until they know how much you care”. She told herself that these gestures go a long way in demonstrating to the residents that she was there to care and help them.

The second day was better. Although she was still feeling her way around the facility, my female owner managed to talk to two older adults who looked like they needed help dealing with certain issues. Ah, some validation to her existence at last. While she was affected by some of the sights and smells encountered on the first day, my female owner felt more at ease on her second day.

My female owner was greatly distressed partly because she was confronted with the inescapable fact that she will age eventually … and the consequences of that, some of which include being less strong, more sickly and more dependent on others. How would she want to fill her years and time from now to then? What can she do to age gracefully and live with minimal regrets? If she is single all her life, will that mean that she would be struggling alone then?

Existential questions that have no definite answers. Depends on the thinker’s personal beliefs and values system. Knowing how you want to die helps you to make decisions about how you want to live.

continue

My female owner was confronted with issues of aging today when she started her placement as a residential aged care facility (RACF). The RACF provides both nursing home services and residential services for older adults who are no longer able to live at their homes.

Okay, I think I need to continue this another day. My female owner is really flat-out from another bad day (she has recently entered into a bad spell of daily hassles choking up her limited resources and energy). I feel depressed trying to type things out too… so I shall retire into my puny shell and practice mindfulness…

upheavals

My female owner had a day of upheavals which left her feeling depleted.

It had its humble beginning yesterday, when she stayed home all day in anticipation of a DHL package which was scheduled to arrive, but never did. Peeved at the lack of accountability, she called up DHL today and asked for an explanation. She became pissed off when the lady showed no understanding of the inconvenience caused by the inefficiency of the company to deliver what it promised. At the end of it all, my female owner had to stay home on another day to wait for the parcel with no guarantee that it would arrive. For record sake, the non-appearance of her parcel was because the delivery man ran out of time at 1730hr (?!?!?!).

Emotionally charged, she then found out that the required direct contact hours for all her externship placements had increased from 100hr to 125hr. That translates into about 3 extra weeks per placement. To add fire to the fuel, the staff in question had disseminated this information to my female owner through a highly unprofessional and dodgy manner (think, trying to cover her mistake and thus, no explanation given).

Her afternoon subject, Domestic Violence was a goner as well. The lecturer brought forward the deadline of one portion of an assignment to next week. This means that my female owner has less time to conceptualise her assignment. The initial arrangement was to submit this portion later in the semester.

Lecture and tutorial were a waste of time. Time was spent answering random questions posed by the class, which was mainly made up of counselling students. A large proportion of the tutorial was spent in idle chat. And at 1700hr (lesson was supposed to be over by 1650hr), one of them started to share a counselling problem she was facing. At 1700hr! Couldn’t she bring up the matter earlier since she was talking so much already??

And my female owner rushed off for her supervision at 1730hr. Due to the rush, she thought she sent off an sms to her church friend to say that she would not be able to attend prayer meeting tonight. Unfortunately, she had pressed the button to save the message instead. Hence, her friend actually walked all the way to school to wait for her and my female owner was uncontactable. She felt so bad for sabotaging her friend.

Upset, hungry, upset, upset, annoyed, fearful, my female owner decide to binge on a huge chocolate chip cookie she spotted earlier at a vending machine. Sounds like a good plan, except that the cookie was yucky. Waste of calories.

She is really peeved. Sometimes, life would be better without human beings...

wordle

My female owner was bored, so she played around with an "old fad" among the younger generation (according to her young-at-heart friend). Using a recent blog I put up, she created a wordle which is a graphical representation of that blog. Bigger words mean that the words occurred more often.



As you can see, my favourite words are "female owner"

renovate

Out of love for me, my female owner finally got down to renovating my turtle pad. Yes, 1.5 years later. Not too bad, considering how many years she procrastinated to get out of a doomed relatioinship.

Anyway, she did the most brillliant thing of toggling with html codes (she has no clue how things work and every customisation she made was truly a result of her independent experimentation), getting the new look up and running.... and over-riding the changes she painstakeningly made with a random save of an unwanted template.

Brilliant. So she redid the whole thing again... (how about an applause for persistance?) and her limited computering brain cells got zapped.

So, this blog is still work in progress. If you have any suggestions/ tips/ advice, do bring them on. Anything you say will be new knowledge for my female owner..

drive

My female owner says that some things can only happen when you live in a university suburb with many church friends.

Today, she had dinner at a friend’s house in neighbouring Toowong. Dinner was good. Food yummy. Company flawless. Wholesome activities (UNO and movie) stretched till 2300hr.

Late and car-less, her two friends and her (who lived near one another in St Lucia) decided to walk home rather than to wait for the dodgy bus. Walking home would take about 30mins, at my female owner’s brisk-walking speed and she would need to negotiate about 10mins on her own.

Wondering if any driver-friends would happen to drive past, my female owner decided to strategise and asked one of her friends to walk in front. Her rationale was that her friend knew more people and thus, would have a higher chance of being recognised by passing cars.

Lo and behold, a church friend did drive past the trio but he was unable to stop then. The driver probably did a u-turn, coz he waited for them up ahead at the infamous Toowong bus stop. The gals gladly accepted the lift home and good thing they did, coz it started to drizzle 30secs after they entered the car.

Another instance of divine intervention!

meaning

My female owner has been busy procrastinating. She is still waiting to start her externship (it’s scary to know that her coursemate has already clocked 50hours in her externship!) with location and days to work unknown. As such, my female owner finds it difficult to settle down and organise her time. It seems as if she can only do two days/ week for her placement and my female owner kinda regret not signing up as a tutor coz it seems like she can well afford the time to teach (and of course, earn extra money).

However, God has been gracious to her. In all these ding-donging of placements (she actually did not want to be involved in this current placement as she wanted to work with abused children), the end result is that she is involved in a never-done-before programme in Australia where the government is supporting a new initiative to grant older adults living in residential aged care facilities access to psychological services. This has implications on a national level and kinda brings greater meaning into my female owner’s work (you know her lah, she always want to make big impact to people's lives). As you know, such places can be really gloomy and depressing for older adults as they have to uproot from their familiar surroundings and loved ones (often without much of a choice) and be put into a communal living setting where they might have to relearn new routines and make new friends (?!).

For all the mayhem that comes with pioneering a new programme and being forced to jump into the deep end, the end result is that students on this placement are being paid for their clinical hours. That is like 100hrs of paid work for my female owner and that covers nicely, the course fees for this externship (yes, my female owner has to pay course fees to work for other people). What’s more, the administrators of this programme is looking to pay students via a bursary system (rather than as wages) so that means that the amount is tax-free. Paid externships are extremely rare and this is again, a demonstration of God’s provision for my female owner’s practical needs. Where once she earned enough per week just to cover her weekly expenses, this time, she earns enough to cover some of her course fees! Ah, the provision is expanding!

fact

I miss my female owner. I am counting down the number of months before she returns home. Probably 9 more months? She plays with us like no one ever does. She also talks to us in her “turtle” voice that keeps us calm and relaxed.

According to my female owner, within these 9 months, many things will change in her friends’ lives. At least two are expecting babies (first-time parents!) and would be parents by the time she returns, one good friend just proposed and would be preparing for his wedding (which my female owner would probably miss, as usual), others would be getting married, a few in her Impromptu group would be changing jobs (and hopefully feasting in greener pastures), one friend emigrating to Australia!, others exploring postgraduate options etc etc. Even in terms of aikido, some of her juniors would have either overtaken or caught up with her in terms of their belt. When my female owner was back recently, she was amazed to find that she was still one of the most senior female aikidokas in the dojo. This won’t be the case anymore when she returns at the end of the year.

My female owner was discussing with her Therapist about how being away for an extended amount of time means that she misses out on not just her friends’ significant life-events but also, seemingly routine/ mundane things like group gatherings and events. And how they have to reach further into their memories to find shared experiences to relate and connect with their friends. For example, when she was back recently, my female owner cannot count the number of times when her Impromptu Frens made references to the “seafood lunch” or “that time at Arab Street”, only to end off with “oh, you were not back yet”.

Nothing depressing about it, just a fact of life. That’s how friendships go through the test of time and space. What survives become stronger.

My female owner often wondered what she would remember of Brisbane when she looks back at this season of her life in the future. She can only remember 2008 as a hectic year where she did not have the liberty to soak herself in overseas living. 2008 was a landmark year for her in a “what doesn’t kill you make you stronger” way. Previously, whenever she experienced tough times, she would tell herself,” you lived through junior college, you can live through anything”. Now, the marker has been updated to 2008 (needs a update anyway, you cannot always live on memories of your youth). Now, whenever she feels challenged, anxious or overwhelmed, she would think back of 2008, the crazy year, and know that she had triumphed over worse times.

fatter

People change over time. They usually look fatter in photos over time. So do us turtles.

April 04: Me (left), Nanook (right)

May 05: See how unfat I look?
My front view

Nov 06: Still maintaining my figure

Jan 07: Still looking good.

Jan 08: The chin is starting to show

... that's why I extended my neck

Still looking presentable I think..

Jan 09: See what happens to me when my female owner goes away?
I explode!!

emotions

My female owner claims that she is emotionally void and cold but if you ask me, she is really soft-hearted and soaks up emotions like a sponge. Today, she attended 4-hour long lecture on grief and loss and a 3-hour long class on domestic violence, and this was enough to make her feel emo for the rest of the day.

The emotionally-loaded subject matters pressed hard upon my female owner’s heart, as she reflected on the real-life impact that loss and/or domestic violence have on individuals. This is no longer theory for her. Loss is a universal experience for all human beings. Human beings know it intimately but do not really fathom it. When my female owner first came over to Brisbane, she was probably grieving over many losses without realising it then. Now her emotional reactions make sense to her. They even seem justified now.

Learning about domestic violence and in particularly, examples of physical, sexual and psychological assaults that a man usually inflict on his partner, she realises too, unsurprisingly, that she was probably a victim of domestic violence in her previous relationship, having experienced various forms of psychological insults. How silly she had been, to put up with a man’s nonsense for so many years. No wonder people say she is a tolerant person.

From a professional angle, learning new materials also led her to realise how little she knows and how unskilled she is, in dealing with human problems and issues.

Coupled with other issues and school hassles, my female owner is not in the most chirpy of mood. However, like a man, she is able to compartmentalise her feelings and obligations. Hence, after a long day in school, she went for a home-grilled steak party and thoroughly enjoyed her dinner (prepared entirely by one guy!!! so talented. Had her favourite fries too.) cum movie marathon cum warm fellowship with some of her church friends.

Maybe the day was not so bad after all.

growing pains

My female owner is in a state of disbelief. Something dreadful happened to one of her closer friends recently and my female owner is at a loss of what to do or what to say to alleviate the distress. All of a sudden, her childish whinges about lack of internet access and externship problems pale in comparison to the gravity of her friend’s situation. Even being apart from her family and established social networks in Singapore seems non-consequential.

The counsellor in her wishes she knows the right words to say and the right actions to take. But alas, my female owner is inexperienced and lacks discernment. The friend side of her does not wish to take up a counselling persona. Already, her friends had chided her for using “psych-speak” while talking to them. So you know, the counsellor side says she should ask open-ended questions but the friend side says to ask close-ended questions that will quickly narrow down the scope of the issue.

At the same time, other friends are grappling with family, existential and bread-and-butter issues. Growing pains, my female owner calls it.

Growth does not stop when you turn 21 and reach adulthood. Almost tipping over the 30-year-old mark, my female owner realises that each decade of your life demands different things from you. Responsibilities change, roles increase, resources get tighter, friends lessen, burdens get heavier, health suffers, experiences of failure and hurts accumulate, often haunting you and time becomes scarce. Even though you are already an adult and supposedly more matured, my female owner concludes that at the end of the day, you are still you, an amateur in life and a child at best.

That’s why my female owner humbly realises that she cannot make it through life based on her own wisdom and hard work. She will probably lose her way navigating through life's journey. Much as she claims to be independence, she rather work in partnership with God. My female owner already wasted a good part of her life on worldly pursuits and erroneous thinking. During today’s sermon, the preacher was asking the congregation “what is your past that holds you back?” The point being made was that God’s abundant grace can look beyond our past and transform us into who He wants us to be.

Ah, what an apt continuation of the food-for-thought conversation she had last night. The past has no hold over her, except for the hold she has allowed it to have over her. As for living in the present and working out plans for the future, the recent events have shown her that life is uncertain, things are unpredictable and evil lurks in unexpected places. Her best guide for life is Jesus, her Shepherd and the best manual for life, the Bible.

Chris Tomlin - Amazing Grace My Chains Are Gone

Amazing grace
How sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me
I once was lost, but now I'm found
Was blind, but now I see
'Twas grace that taught my heart to fear
And grace my fears relieved
How precious did that grace appear
The hour I first believed
My chains are gone
I've been set free
My God, my Savior has ransomed me
And like a flood His mercy reigns
Unending love, Amazing grace

The Lord has promised good to me
His word my hope secures
He will my shield and portion be
As long as life endures

The earth shall soon dissolve like snow
The sun forbear to shine
But God, Who called me here below
Will be forever mine
Will be forever mine
You are forever mine

past

My female owner has been living dreamily for one week. It was her second week of school and as usual, she only had lessons on Tuesday. She was largely left to her own devices for the rest of the week. And in true slacker style, she hardly did any work. She couldn’t believe that postgrad could be so relaxing and she wanted to relish in the ENGness before she starts on her externship (still a question mark, unfortunately).

Realising that she needs to remain accountable for her days in Brisbane, her prayer request during bible study was that she would be able to make full use of her time in 2009 to i) grow stronger in her faith and walk with God, ii) complete her programme successfully, iii) experience Brisbane/ Australia for its beauty. My female owner is convinced that God pulled her out of Singapore so that she would be able to regain her focus in her life and start to live life purposefully and meaningfully according to the plans He has set out for her. At this point in time, my female owner is wiling to stay in Brisbane after graduation (without sulking and drowning her reluctance in wine, beer and margaritas).

Over the week, she spent time reading the bible, meditating on verses, praying and personal reflection. Certain things happened over the week, some positive, others negative, tossing her emotions all over. Her strength came from reflecting on God’s promises and understanding His nature. Some incidents made her question the meaning of life/ living while others allowed her to see God’s hand moving and most assuredly, when God moves, no one can stop Him. An impromptu trip to Mt Cootha (think Victoria Peak in Hongkong) after bible study with a few of her Christian friends, resulted in her picking up even more biblical truths.

A late-night youtube movie (Kuch Kuch Hota Hai – highly recommended, although my female owner has not completed the movie… she has little staying power, even for entertainment) was hijacked by a MSN chat with her I-Fren. She saw how quickly God responded to her prayer point i) when he aptly pointed out that she needs to stop living in the past. This has been an issue which my female owner is aware of, but in a fleeting sense, like “oh, maybe I should stop living in the past” kind of thought. But my female owner realised that she spent half her life living in a lie (AGAB) which she concocted innocently with her Onli Fren as a teenager. My female owner thought that her AGAB vibes had been extinguished through some of the positive experiences she had last year but like a deep-seated tattoo, she probably just patched up the mental imprint with some thick foundation which cracks under pressure.

There are also other areas in her life where my female owner is currently “living in the past”. The ghost of past failures, past disappointments, past experiences, former glory, lost youth, wasted times, the should-haves, could-haves, would-haves and if-onlys. Being sucked into the quick sand of her SELECTIVE memory. My female owner hopes to work through some of the main issues over the course of this year, coz this year is her year of renewal. It’s now or never for her. No more spiritual procrastination!

free

My female owner is pleased to announce that her internet connection is finally up. Male Housemate spent 3hr+ on the computer, trying to fix issues with the modem and security password. He also borrowed my female owner’s lap-top to do his troubleshooting. At 11pm+, Female Housemate came out of their room to check on his progress. Very quickly, she sorted out the problem and viola! The right settings were configured and Housemates finally retired to bed. Yay, the whole point of this narration is to first, highlight that Male Housemate is reliable and a man of his word (coz he promised that he would sort things out for my female owner) and second, that a man still needs a woman after all.

On a separate note, my female owner finally accepted the high possibility that she would be relatively more free this year, as compared to last year. She is so ENG now, she even borrowed novels from the library to pass time. Of all books, she chose a Singaporean writer (Goh Poh Seng) who in, A Dance of Moths, explored the complex lives and human relationships of two men in modern Singapore. The main theme of the book was about the men’s sense of alienation and search for meaning in their lives. Ah, issues which her single friends are grappling with now…

Anyway, back to topic. The prospect of having greater flexibility in time and schedule is disturbing for my female owner. She feels insecure as she is supposed to be studying and not having an extended holiday. To cope with her concerns, my female owner tried to think of ways to maximise her time, such as doing two externships at the same time, so that she can cover the programme’s requirements as fast as possible.

In all her planning and scheming, she felt God telling her to let go of her human plans, and to trust Him to work things out for her. My female owner then realised that she had once again, tried to take matters in her own hands, or at least, tried to pre-empt difficulties by working out possible solutions. A sign that she is trying to be the master of her life.

Let go and let God.

choice

My female owner had a sense of “reincarnation” yesterday. Now, I don’t mean it in a religious or spiritual sense (I don’t wanna get struck by lightning for saying the wrong thing!).

First, she had a MSN conversation with a friend who had been struggling with job satisfaction and career development issues. The current job offers a cushy remuneration but in career-speak terms, “the job sucks”. If he were to follow his passion, he would inevitably incur a huge pay cut, along with other career goodies which he had accumulated over the years.

Hence, it was a choice between monetary gains and pursuing one’s passion.

My female owner later realised that she was in similar circumstances about 15 months back. Then, she had to choose between the financial gains of being sponsored by her organisation for her postgrad studies (think sponsorship of school fees, stipend, flight/ winter allowances, monthly salary, yearly increment, seniority retained, job security, career advancement) and being bonded for three years afterwards, and giving up the certainty of financial gains to freely pursue her passion. By resigning, she was actually giving up close to $100k and on top of that, having to cough out at least $150k to cover three years of postgrad studies. In addition, she would have to rebuild her career again and possibly accept a lower starting salary. For whatever reasons, my female owner chose to be bond-free (but financially strapped).

Second, she had another conversation with Potahto, her fellow comrade in her previous office. As my female owner put it, only Potahto had the ability to bring out her true colours and my female owner turned bitchy as they recounted the incredulous behaviours of some of her ex-colleagues. Apparently, both of them still had unresolved issues with certain people and the unfair/ unethical practices they were subjected to as juniors in the office still left a bitter taste in their mouth. (It is of deliberate choice that my female owner recently chose to do an assignment on workplace bullying for her course “Counselling and violence”.)

My female owner mused afterwards that while the second conversation was cathartic, the greater achievement of the conversation was that it cemented the decision my female owner made 15 months ago, that she would not subject herself to three more years of mental and emotional upheavals. At the same time, she has to acknowledge that she has been blessed with strong family support. Without their unconditional support (except to accept this sponsorship from them as a gift of love and to enjoy herself), my female owner would probably have little choice but to take up her organisation's offer.

hatch

Singaporean Comrade directed my female owner to this video (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Iy-gZXxNrrY) in a bid to cheer her up.

Wanna know why us turtles enjoy a cushy life after we hatch from our eggs while human beings have to work so hard after being born? Watch the video.

You will realise that we turtles struggle (even before we are officially born) to get out of our shells whereas you humans are either pushed out or taken out from your swimming pool. In other words, we turtles CHOOSE to enter this world, whereas you humans get kicked into this world. Wahaha!