struggles

My female owner made it to church on time. Not in a good mood though, with the scorching sun and dry heat zapping her energy. She tried to find the person she had agreed to contact but apparently, the person did not attend service today. Reaching home, she spent an hour crafting an email to her leader, writing of her struggles… Just so that I dont have to paraphase her thoughts, I reproduced some parts of the email here.

“… Just an update since Thur. After much wavering, I reluctantly decided to contact [XX]. My plan was to talk to her face-to-face in church today (just to set an appt) so that she can place a face to my name. Because of my decision, I struggled to get out of my house to go for service because a part of me wanted to avoid the scenario of having to share this with another person (the psychologist calls it “ambivalence”). I entered church being distracted and feeling out-of-sorts. I just felt like melting away and being left alone. But I believe that this feeling is not from God, because He is not a God of confusion or fear. So anyway, I willed myself to focus on God and to talk to Him about my reservations. By the end of worship and sermon, I was reasonably at peace and decided to find her after service.

Alas, I couldn’t find [XX] after service…. I couldn’t help but smile at the irony of things. My half-hearted prayer last night was something like “God, if I should talk to her, make it such that I cannot avoid her in church” Like she ends up right in front of me or something. I knew too well that my prayer was not right. Then when I purposefully tried to find her, she wasn’t even around…

So anyway, before I get off track, I just wanted to let you know that I did decide, after Thursday, to take the next step (yay!) and despite not finding her today, I will try again to nail her down (maybe during prayer mtg or sth). If I really cannot locate her, then I would call her. I guess putting this in writing helps to reinforce my decision coz I can foresee myself being uncertain again...”