the slow life

cutesy

2010-11-25T23:34:00.003+10:00

Some of my female owner's favourite photos of Sayang...my female owner cant help wondering why some animals can look so cutesy without even trying...

him sitting quietly in the garden

him wandering amongst the bushes..

right after the door slammed and scared him out of his wits dunno what happened here... apparently my female owner just dragged him from under the bed
Sayang on weed?

silliness

2010-11-24T20:55:00.000+10:00

After 78 days, my female owner finally received the report for her thesis yesterday. The good news is that she has a provisional pass, pending minor changes to certain parts of it. The not-so-good news is that she can’t graduate this year as she has hoped. Given that her hopes were conclusively dashed, my female owner’s spirit spiralled downwards. Objectively she knew that she did well. Examiner A passed her without asking for any revisions. Examiner B needed just ten revisions and most of them were nitpicking on her grammar and nothing too conceptual or dramatic. An easy-peasy revision to be honest. Subjectively, she was upset. Her perfectionistic streak was ruffled. Rather than saying she had a provisional pass, she told a friend that she did not pass her thesis. Ah, the difference between a positive statement and a negative statement. My female owner couldn’t figure out why people, including her supervisor, were congratulating her, and one friend even tried to shout her dinner. You see, my female owner prefers things to be definite and not “almost there” – a clear example of her black-and-white/ all-or-none thinking. Either she has a pass, or she failed. You would think that after three years of postgraduate clinical psychology, she has become better in sorting out her inner demons.

I believe one day, she will laugh at her own silliness.

keeps

2010-11-20T13:26:00.001+10:00

My female owner says that this year has been a year of building friendships for keeps. As you may remember, she usually keeps people at an arm’s length in the first year of knowing them. After that one year of incubation, she then decides if she wants to bring this friendship to a higher level or let it remain as “people she knows” category.

So, having been in her current lifegroup for two years, it is certainly within her natural timeline to establish deeper friendships with certain individuals. But as usual, her circle of friends remain small and exclusive. It is as if she does not want to open herself to too many people, for the fear of being hurt or taken advantage of..

At the same time, my female owner acknowledges that she is losing friends from the Singapore “people she knows” category. Which upsets her a little coz once upon a time, they had many happy moments together and there was potential to establish stronger friendships. I guess it is a chicken and egg thing – if it’s only “people you know”, then you wont really invest too much into it anyway, and if you don’t invest too much into it, then it qualifies as “people you know”. The good news is that she is still maintaining contact with most of her close friends from Singapore. Anyhow, she is coming back soon, and she will then be able to better assess the collateral damage of being away for so long.

quiet

2010-11-18T09:51:00.000+10:00

In contrast to the past two weeks where she had company over at her house every night she was home, this week had been quiet. Two of my female owner’s frequent drop-ins are out of the country for two weeks (along with their Whatsapp capability), forcing her to find other things to amuse herself. Not that she has been successful in meaningfully occupying herself.

Monday and Tuesday went ok, coz she had work. Then Wednesday, the start of her five day weekend, arrived. In her usual passive fashion, my female owner did not schedule any appointments. She argued that she wanted metime, listening to sermons and reading the bible. Fair enough. She made it to Sayang’s house in the afternoon and brought him out for a wander. With no activities at night (this is when someone would usually pop over for dinner/ jogging/ chillax), my female owner ended up dating her television, watching random but insightful documentaries and human interest programmes.

Thursday. Hmm… She’s supposed to have a lunch appointment with this random friend but he has not confirmed it. And at night, there would be a movie screening – Detective Dee – with dinner provided by Mr Nice Guy. Awesome! One day at a time. She will definitely be able to make it back on Christmas!

annoyed

2010-11-18T09:38:00.001+10:00

Ok. My female owner is getting annoyed with me. She says that aging is not an excuse for not writing. Neither is the stormy weather. Oh well. So I decided I better pull up my (invisible) socks and start updating my TurtlePad. How else can people get richer updates about my female owner? There’s only so much Whatsapp can do.

But come to think of it, there’s really nothing much to update about my female owner. She’s still in the waiting stage of her life – waiting to go home, waiting for thesis report to be released, waiting to start moving in her professional life. Waiting for her prince charming to appear. She conceded that she would rather go through life with someone than to remain single all her life. She realised that at the end of the day, she feels more secure with a (intelligent) partner who can complement her with her blind spots and other stuff.

My female owner thinks that the following statement might apply to her: “God takes a long time to do things suddenly”. She senses that this is the preparation stage where she is being positioned for greater things to come. Her outwardly stagnant life is actually gaining momentum inwardly. Her mind is being renewed, her spirit refreshed and she is ready to go, when the floodgates open.

miracle

2010-11-12T17:16:00.001+10:00

My female owner just received notification that the results for her thesis would be released in 2-3 weeks’ time. That means that the only way she can graduate by this year is if she clears it at first review – a feat that is rare and almost impossible. The only person who achieved that was this student whose supervisor was the Clinical Director – the person who gives the stamp of approval on all theses.

My female owner has almost given up hope and while a miracle is still possible (after all, God is bigger than the clinical director), she has resolved within herself that life goes on. Interestingly enough, Mr S is still holding out for a miracle and has actually booked a flight back to his home country after her scheduled graduation, so that he can attend it should she graduate this year.

Whatever will be, will be.

animals

2010-11-12T17:00:00.001+10:00

My female owner felt vindicated today when she came across a Bible verse regarding animals. Proverbs 12: 10 says “A righteous man regards the life of his animal, But the tender mercies of the wicked are cruel”

Her study bible has a short explanatory note below which said that a righteous man is sensitive enough to care about the welfare of animals (a rare concern in that era), but a wicked man, even when sensitive, is still cruel (to human beings).

Truth be told, my female owner had been bothered by a comment that the owner of the house said to her once. The owner suggested that my female owner drive Sayang to somewhere and release him in the wild. My female owner was horrified at her comment and said that she couldn’t bring herself to do something like that.

Today, she realised that she did the right thing in keeping Sayang until she can source a suitable home for him. Probably not the best thing she could have done, but certainly still the right thing.

waiting

2010-11-06T20:44:00.001+10:00

My female owner is still waiting for the results of her thesis to come back to her. This week is the 8th week since she submitted her thesis. Her chances of graduating this December are getting slimmer by the day. And she has kinda reached a point of acceptance, that sometimes, things might not go the way she wants, but they will work out eventually, because God is in charge.

My female owner reckons that the process of waiting can be exciting, and a chance for character building and getting to know oneself. You hear all sorts of things in your head and you start to realise who you really are through your thoughts, emotions and behaviours. Such an occupational hazard, I say, to be analysing herself and her season in life. Why make life so complicated for yourself?

pours

2010-11-06T20:03:00.000+10:00

My female owner says that she had a long week that ended only today. It was just a series of (un)fortunate events that built up all at once, the concept of it never rains but pours. First, she started part-time work and worked for 3.5 days. Then, she had to house-sit for the TV man, Stove man and electrician to come and check out the ailing house she is currently renting. She also had to juggle her English test (and the lack of preparation), helping a friend with his English, providing a listening ear to his gf woes, two evenings of jogging (one more time than usual). Peeking into her schedule, I realised that she had company at her house every evening till night. So come Friday night (night before her English test), she was glad that she was home alone (although she ended up talking to different friends on msn). She almost agreed to go out for supper with a friend but decided against it coz of the test.

So today, she was relieved when she completed her English test and was happy that she found a friend to chillax with – just nibbling on random food and watching the newly restored TV. Totally brainless, she says, but pure bliss.

thoughtful

2010-11-03T09:39:00.001+10:00

My female owner was very touched by Mr S’s gesture a few days ago (don’t ask me why I am writing everything in retrospective; I think the aussie laid-back culture has gotten to me, vicariously no doubt). I haven’t been talking about him because he hasn’t been around much to talk about. He’s in the midst of his prolonged road trip around Australia and never contacted my female owner. Hence, imagine her shock when he emailed her out of the blue one day, saying that he would be extending his road trip. Hence, he would like to know when her graduation date is, coz he is going to return to his home country in December (as opposed to going back in November) and would like to attend her graduation if possible.

How thoughtful.

My female owner then told him that it is unlikely that she would graduate this year because of problems with her markers and asked him to go ahead with his personal plans. He then wrote back to tell her not to give up hope and that he might still arrange to go back after the graduation date.

How sweet and sincere. *touched*

lull

2010-11-03T09:24:00.001+10:00

It’s a new month and my female owner started her new job a few days ago. She says that so far, it feels no different from going for a placement (especially the nursing home one which didn’t really involve much psychological intervention and was basically a waste of her time). The positive difference is that she is being paid for doing nothing much. She is struggling to fill up her time but says it is a good problem.

So far, in three days of work, she has done the following:

Attend the children’s and adult’s team meetings
Attend the children’s clinic
Made contact with a few families
Fell in love with one of the boys (so cute, she says)
Attend a Melbourne Cup lunch
Had a supervision session with her clinical supervisor
Twiddle her thumbs during lull periods
Navigated her way around the hospital corridors etc

More to come, she hopes.

birthday

2010-10-30T23:38:00.000+10:00

Well… it’s exactly two more months before my female owner’s birthday. This upcoming birthday promises to be different from the previous ones she had. For one, it marks the reaching of a milestone (leave you to figure out what milestone that is).

In addition to that, my female owner has earlier decided to celebrate her birthday across two continents for the first time in her life. Hence, she would be doing an early celebration with her Australian friends and going back home in time to celebrate with her family and friends. With regards to the early celebration, for the first time in her life (or as far as she can remember), someone has actually offered to plan a party for her. And this party is not just organising a dinner plus buying a birthday cake/ gift but actually banding people together to cook a dinner (western style apparently), complete with appropriate ambience. The flip side is that because it is labour intensive, only a handful of friends can be invited.

Sounds exciting; something for her to look forward to, as the year closes in on her like a rushing river.

5

2010-10-26T18:36:00.001+10:00

Ah, as usual, I am a little slow. It was my Turtle Pad’s 5th birthday on 23 Oct 10! Cheers to five years of writing. 1267 blog entries, 23206 views. I’ve been writing more than half my life! Hmmm…not sure how many faithful readers I have, especially since my female owner is so guarded about the existence of this website. I think in her 3 years in Brisbane, she only told 3 people about it (one for each year?). Maybe I’m wrong. As for her Singaporean friends, maybe 12 friends? Sometimes I wonder where all the random readers come from, coz I have hits from different continents and that is odd.

Cheers to more good years ahead!

accompany

2010-10-25T21:16:00.001+10:00

Today, she felt brain-dead by 1730hr even though she probably didn’t overuse her brain. She finally found out why, after spending about 2 hours by herself.

She needed her metime, even if it meant just clearing emails and other admin stuff. My female owner had such an intense weekend that she didn’t quite realise that it was over until it dawned upon her on Sunday night that she didn’t have the chance to do her laundry. And even today, she had an intense(ly social) day.

Here’s what I mean.

Saturday – woke up early. Spent whole day with Emo Sponge, to accompany him for house-hunting and ended up engaging in “deeper” chats. Joined by two other friends for early dinner and night movie. Met more people briefly at the cinema (after her movie) coz they were watching the movie after.
Sunday – woke up early to accompany housemate to the Gold Coast to test-drive her dream car. Joined by Emo Sponge for early lunch and beach-watching. Went to church, caught up with two friends whom she had not seen for a month. Went for big group dinner.
Monday – woke up early to help Emo Sponge with his rental car issues (i.e. driving through heavy traffic). Proceeded to the hospital to sign papers for employment (1.75hrs!). Went on to uni to meet a friend for lunch and to accompany him for grocery-shopping. Back to the Valley to help Emo Sponge with car.

No wonder she was flat-out. She had been accompanying people to do all the stuff that they needed to get done, that she had forgotten about herself. This is to the point where she is too disengaged to cook or even get groceries.

ES: “didn’t you get groceries when you were with your friend?”
FO: “nooo… was too lazy to…”
ES (grins): “ain’t groceries a must? Not a luxury?”
FO: “oh yah! Aiyah, dun care liao..”

第一次

2010-10-22T23:24:00.000+10:00

My female owner had such a random but quirky conversation with Emo Sponge today. It all started when she said that she had given him her “第一次” twice. She meant it as a joke, with reference to her “first time” drinking alcohol at Sanctuary Cove (a joke that came up then coz they took a photo and the waiter commented that it must be her first time drinking) and her first time playing the pokie machine (he chose the machine for her and it was $3 per button).

Emo Sponge reciprocated that he had also given her many of his 第一次 and started listing them out.

1st iphone tutorial he ever given
1st drinking of white rabbit beer
1st eating of my female owner’s mango pudding (this doesn’t make sense)
1st sitting through 2 guys threatening them with axes (that’s a story by itself)
1st rental car rides
1st benz repair experience
1st cooking of Korean pancakes

Later on, my female owner also remembered that she had her first fishing trip with him and someone else on the same boat. And many more, if she bothers to recall.

My female owner then reasoned that it would be fun to track the kind of 第一次 you have with your close friends. Try it!

seed

2010-10-21T16:04:00.001+10:00

My female owner got a job. Within three weeks of searching for a temporary administration job and two weeks of searching for a psychology locum position.

What did she tell her friends when she was about to start looking for a job? She said she was trying for any temp office job coz i) she has not graduated yet so not many places would employ her, ii) she is provisionally registered so again, not many places would be willing to take her, iii) she is an international student, so working hours and visa regulations would be a put-off for employers, iv) with only three months left, how would it be possible that she finds a locum position.

Hence, her conclusion was that it would be easier for her to secure a temp admin job. But God had a different plan in mind. He brought to mind a random conversation she had with her host who is a very good networker. She advised my female owner to inform her contacts (especially supervisors) of her plans to look for work in OZ, coz if she didn’t spread the news, they won’t know her needs. Because of that random conversation she had weeks ago, my female owner wrote to her supervisor at the hospital, asking for “lobangs”. One thing led to another and lo and behold, a job that fits her schedule in more ways than one.

How about a moment to thank God for guiding her path, leading her to the right people and increasing her favour with people? My female owner compromised on her situation and said “a temp admin job will do” but God said “no, I have better things in store in you. You have limited Me. You didn’t think I am able to provide for you, that’s what you compromised and said any job is better than none. You need to think bigger, believe that I can do much more than the natural. Because My love for you necessitates that I take care of you. Even this job, don’t see it as a job to kill time until the end of the year. Believe that there is much more that is going to come out from this seed.”

The wonderful thing is also that in these past three weeks, her time had been filled meaningfully. She managed to complete a manuscript for publication, write the draft of another manuscript, offer emergency help to friends during office hours, read some personal development books, get connected with online sermons, do mini getaways, clear some psychological and spiritual clutter in her life. Without this three weeks of hiatus, she would have been just jumping from one phase of life to another.

distant

2010-10-21T15:45:00.001+10:00

Oh no, I realise that I am writing so much less these few months. Age must be catching up on me. Maybe we turtles are drifting apart from our female owner. Maybe things started changing when Sayang entered her world, and Sayang became more real, more interactive and more personal than us turtles who are living on another continent and largely solitary in our behaviour.

And when my female owner had to give up Sayang, her heart broke and she became distant. Disappointed that people treated animals like garbage (“why don’t you just drive somewhere and leave the cat there?”). Cross as well, “I would just leave the dog to die, rather than spend money on her surgery”.

Anyway, I hope she recovers from her emotional upheaval soon. We turtles can’t wait to see her again – counting down the days!

overthink

2010-10-21T15:29:00.000+10:00

My female owner acknowledges that she has a tendency to overthink. Overthink how people might feel, overthink how people might think of her, overthink how people might respond to her requests, overthink, over-predicting and over-analysing situations. To the point that she remains stuck in her situation and not progress.

For example, she wanted to ask her supervisor at the private school to be her character referee (just a blanket agreement). But because my female owner knows that her supervisor is having some personal crisis, her thoughts were along the following lines:

“Would I be imposing on her at such a time like this?”
“What if she is too busy with her personal matters and my request just adds a burden to her?”
“What if she is not in the right frame of mind to help me?”

All these conjectures resulted in my female owner not asking her supervisor for help. Until this week, when she went for her second interview at the hospital and they wanted her to get a reference from this supervisor.

Even then, my female owner hesitated and had to seek assurance from Therapist Fren that it was ok to ask her supervisor at such a time. Therapist Fren’s response was wisely sound “well, it’s up to her to decide if she will help you and the important thing is that you ask”

I guess at the end of the day, my female owner is also scared of rejection. Hence, she makes up so many excuses for the other party so as to distance herself from any potential rejections.

ibethel

2010-10-18T10:56:00.000+10:00

My female owner had been feeling spiritually hungry for a while. She wants to learn more about God and biblical concepts but has not been particularly satisfied with whatever she is getting, to the point that she finds going to church and bible study burdensome. And God sees her need, I suppose. Coz out of the blue, she got caught into a conversation with a friend about coming over to her house for lunch and watching an online sermon together. My female owner then asked where she got the sermon from and her friend said she subscribed to ibethel tv. Because she is unemployed, my female owner tries to avoid anything that involves monthly subscription and so her reply was that she would look into it when she gets a job. And her friend’s next reply was whether my female owner had a credit card, coz she wanted to get a birthday present for my female owner.

No prizes for guessing what she got for my female owner. Yes, monthly subscription for the website, backdated from April 2010. How blessed. Now my female owner has access to the spiritual food she has been craving for.

Nice Girl

2010-10-14T10:19:00.002+10:00

My female owner has nothing really urgent or important to do these days. She is not having much success on the temp job front and has taken to reading as a means of self-improvement and intellectual simulation. She was milling around the Brisbane City Library when she found this book calling out for her.

For too long, my female owner has struggled with being “too passive” and “too nice”. Different well-meaning friends have spoken to her about these two aspects of her personality, urging her to step out and be more assertive. Finally, she is in a position to take action on her erroneous beliefs and maladaptive behaviour.

There is a questionnaire inside the book which was of much interest to my female owner.

Are you a Nice Girl?

1. Do you have a difficult time asserting yourself with service people? (for example, sending a plate of food back, telling a salesperson you are not interested.)
2. Do you get talked into things, including buying things, because you can’t say no?
3. Are you overly concerned about what people think of you?
4. Is it overly important to you that people like you?
5. Are you afraid to say how you really feel out of fear of making someone angry?
6. Do you apologise too much or too often?
7. Do you have friends or acquaintance you don’t really like or have much in common with but fell obligated to continue seeing?
8. Do you often say yes to invitations because you don’t want the person to feel rejected?
9. Do you tend to give in because it makes you feel selfish if you refuse to help someone?
10. Are you afraid people will dislike you if you’re not cooperative?
11. Do you have trouble speaking up as soon as something or someone is unfair to you?
12. Do you hesitate telling someone that he or she has hurt your feelings or made you angry because you don’t want him or her to feel bad?
13. Do you avoid telling someone he or she has upset you because you don’t think it will do any good or will only cause a big problem between you?
14. Do you have people in your life who take advantage of you?
15. O you often take the blame for things just to avoid an argument or to avoid rejection or abandonment?
16. Do you often make excuses for people’s poor behaviour, telling yourself that they didn’t mean it or they didn’t know better?
17. Do you avoid conflicts or confrontation at all costs?
18. Do you get a terrible feeling when someone is angry with you?
19. Do you give someone the benefit of the doubt even when others tell you this person is trouble?
20. Do you give people another chance even when they continue with the same hurtful or inappropriate behaviour?
21. Do you tell yourself that you don’t have a right to complain about a person’s behaviour if you’ve ever been guilty of the same behaviour?
22. Are you attracted to bad boys or people with a large dark side?
23. Do you strongly believe in being fair even when other people are treating you unfairly?

If you answered yes to two or more of these questions, you have some Nice Girl in you no matter how assertive, successful, or self-actualised you think you are.
If you answered yes to more than five of these questions, you still have some work to do in terms of changing the way you view yourself in the world.
If you answered yes to more than ten of these questions, you have an extreme version of the Nice Girl syndrome and will need to do some serious work to rid yourself of the negative and false beliefs that are basically dictating your life.

Sammy's Adventures: The Secret Passage - trailer

2010-10-14T09:35:00.000+10:00

My female owner is looking for someone to watch this movie with her when she returns to Singapore. Anyone interested?

outliers

2010-10-12T22:31:00.002+10:00

My female owner recently read a book called Outliers: The Story of Success by Malcolm Gladwell. She had read his previous books Blink and The Tipping Point and thought they were quite enlightening. Anyway, my female owner said that three main points stuck out for her.

Firstly, the concept of conscious cultivation, where middle-income parents tend to bring up their children in a way where they are not afraid of communicating with authority figures (e.g. telling doctors how they are feeling), as compared to low-income parents who tend to model passive behaviour to their children.

Secondly, the concept of entitlement, of proactively getting what you deserve, and not letting those things slide because you think you are not entitled to them.

Thirdly, the 10000-hr rule, where success don’t come to people instantly, not even talented people. Rather, it is a matter of hardcore practice and diligence.

Worth a read, she says. Especially if you are a passive person.

old fren

2010-10-12T22:02:00.004+10:00

My female owner met up with a long-time friend on Sunday (finally). He was someone who had been instrumental in her growing up years as a teenager into adulthood. They used to spend heaps of time together, serving in the Youth Ministry of her home church. Being 9 years older, he naturally took care of my female owner (and her friends) by driving them around and often paying for their meals. The two of them lost contact for a number of years as their lives diverged. The friend moved to Sydney to read medicine while my female owner got distracted by her BGR and other matters. Even though they had been living on the same continent for about 2.5years, they never contacted each other. There was no need to. But they do meet once a year when he returns to Singapore for a short visit. Even then, the meetup was always initiated by other people.

Anyway, my female owner recently took the trouble to get his contact number because she was visiting Sydney and thought he was based there. Turns out that he is based in Byron Bay, just two hours’ drive away from her. So near! And so they agreed to meet up and finally did so, on Sunday.

My female owner says that there is nothing like meeting an old friend (13 years of friendship to be exact). And it’s even more comforting when it happens in a foreign land. Although she knew that he was sporty and an outdoor kind of guy, she didn’t really anticipate that he enjoyed nature the way she did – just exploring, driving around and roughing it out when the weather turns nasty (it was her first time hiking in the rain). So despite the constant downpour, they ended up doing what they set out to do – Natural Bridge.

Natural Bridge, Springbrook National Park is a most unusual geological feature created over millions of years by water tumbling through the roof of a basalt cave.

the week-long downpour had resulted in a large volume of water, thus creating big waterfalls check out the opening where the water rushes through this perspective was taken from Cave Creek, where glow worms can be seen at nightthe aerial view

They also went around exploring other lookouts, targeting waterfalls coz that was what he liked to see. And what better time to chase for waterfalls than during the rainy season!

My female owner says that some things don’t change, and that includes him driving her around (sending her back to Brisbane even) and paying for her meals. In fact, my female owner got scolded for paying for their dinner, coz he felt it was not right that she was paying when she was not working. Just like the old times.

Good for her, she found another (short-term) hiking buddy.

mimi

2010-10-07T11:07:00.002+10:00

My female owner paid a long visit to Sayang yesterday. She was deeply blessed coz she did not have transport but her friend (who is taking care of Sayang) ended up offering to fetch her to and fro. And even cooked dinner for her.

My female owner says that Sayang looks/ behaves differently now. With so much attention and human beings around, he is no longer as frisky and attentive. For example, he no longer readily offers his underbelly for stroking. He also has a more adult look. Not as cute as before, but still posseses an easy temperament that makes him endearing. My female owner managed to take some photos of him, looking innocent and young again though.

And oh, she is very proud of the adjustments he made, from being an outdoor cat to an indoor car, from an English speaking household to a Chinese speaking household, from having few baths to one every week, and from being called Sayang to being called Mimi! Must be really confusing for him.

looking at the string... and wondering whether to pounce on it

dark eyes, ginger colour, resembling puss in boots!

probably his latest yoga pose?

like my female owner, he sleeps anywhere, all the time!

hunt

2010-10-06T12:04:00.002+10:00

Okay, it’s like officially the third day of “nothing to do”. My female owner was already bored to tears yesterday. Luckily it was Terrific Tuesday yesterday, so she was able to rent cheap DVDs at $1 each (with some spillover effects today). She has a backlog of movies to catch up on.

Really being idle is not her style, but yet also her style. How shall I put it? My female owner struggles to cope with having nothing purposeful to do, but yet there are some things waiting for her to attend to – like writing manuscripts, checking up on PR/ registration matter, practicing her instruments etc. I guess she just needs to have some kind of deadline or event to look forward to, or she will end up feeling lost and meaningless.

On the job-hunt side, my female owner has sent in 11 applications for temporary administration positions. She has received three rejections and non-responses from the rest. She reckons that she is not selling herself right. She knows that she is “overqualified” but has already customised her resume to highlight her relevant administration skills.

She is also trying to hookwink herself into a temporary locum position at a local hospital. Not sure if things will work out because she has not graduated yet. Worse comes to worst, she will just count down to her mother’s coming on 4 Dec. But that is like 2 months away! What a waste of time not to be doing anything constructive.

concrete

2010-10-03T11:58:00.000+10:00

It’s a new month, and new challenges beckon for my female owner. For one, she started losing her voice and is now, officially a frog. No thanks to her inability to take precautionary measures and innate tendency to test her limits – think going out, consuming chilli and other heaty foods, talking in crowded places… and alcohol! She is a little upset at having to cancel her Byron Bay plans at last minute.

Also, she has little concrete plans about what to do, moving forward in her life. I mean, she has formulated in her head, an “ideal” plan but whether it works out in real life depends a lot on opportunities, favour (or connections?) and divine intervention.

There are some things waiting for her to do, most definitely. These include tidying up her room, sorting out her photos, doing up journal articles for publication etc, the last of which is the most annoying of course. Looks like there is no better time to do this than now. All she has to do is probably to stop procrastinating and get herself moving.

Over the past two days, the most significant thing she has done was to apply for temporary administration positions. She has not heard from any employers yet and in the midst of her anxiety, has to remind herself that she has barely started and needs to be more patient.

capture

2010-09-30T18:46:00.004+10:00

Most of you would have know that my female owner sort-of adopted a kitten-cat and named it Sayang. His future remains uncertain, given that the owner of the house absolutely detests animals, but rather than dwelling on unhappy things, let's take a look at some photos, and you might understand why Sayang managed to capture my female owner's heart.

On the first day when they met... and he stayed on the ledge the whole arvo, causing my female owner to panic and thus, feed him

taken with Sayang on her lap, one of her favourite photos feeding time apparently Sayang refused to use his bed when he first got it... and they used all ways and means to entice him to try it

after three days, he caved in see how comfortable he is now?
self-entertainment with his toy mouse (see his paws)
look! he can stand too!

jobs

2010-09-30T18:20:00.000+10:00

My female owner says that applying for jobs in Aussie is not as easy as doing it in Singapore. For one, being on a student visa, the odds are stacked against her. In addition, she has not graduated from her programme and hence, would not be able to apply for psychologist positions, which usually require full registration. Her best bet would be to look for counselling or social services jobs. But it might be difficult to convince potential employers that she has intentions to stay long at the non-psychologist job.

Anyway, when faced with such situations, my female owner would start to fantasise about going back to Singapore for good. She often questions herself for staying back in Australia. After all, she can easily pack up now and leave for home. Emo Sponge kinda distracted her shortly after by helping her to source for temporary administration positions, which kept her occupied the whole day. Not really sure if she would be able to convince anyone to employ her, given that she is “overqualified” but as my female owner said, better than doing nothing!

Hopefully she gets a temp job soon.

oxymoron

2010-09-30T17:55:00.000+10:00

I suppose its time to update this Turtle Pad. I have no excuses for my long absence, except that I have been very lazy and in a hibernation mode. I guess the Aussie laid-back lifestyle has finally hit me.

As you all know, my female owner has submitted her thesis and over the past two weeks, she had indulged in several things. The big one would be that she went off for a holiday to Adelaide, Sydney and Canberra. Despite her incessant comments about her not having enough friends, she still managed to pull together this 9-day post-thesis tour. And it could have been a few days longer, had she known earlier that another pair of friends were going to be in Sydney at the same time as she was. Anyway, she also did a 3-day escapade to Coffs Harbour, which is 6hr drive from her place, and in New South Wales. In the upcoming days, she has tentative plans for Byron Bay, Whitsundays and maybe a lone road trip to Northern Queensland.

Even though she looked like she had heaps of getaways and fun with friends, my female owner actually struggled to relax initially. Sounds like an oxymoron actually. Struggling to relax? Anyway, her anxiety acted up and she felt an internal pressure to quickly get on with life, job applications, registrations and the like. Everyone around her, literally everyone she spoke to told her that it was time for her to relax coz she had worked so hard over the past few months. However, my female owner felt that she did not actually work very hard and hence, did not deserve to relax. It got to a point where Mr S remarked that there was something wrong with my female owner.

In the midst of all the conflicts within her (i.e. authentic relaxing vs finding work), my female owner actually managed to do clock a few RA hours (she still has about 120 outstanding hours to fulfil) and update her resume. My female owner is trying to apply the principles of mindfulness, where she soaks up the present, relish in the experience and not fret about the future or ruminate about the past. Getting the hang of it, she says.

ten

2010-09-14T08:56:00.003+10:00

My brothers Dodo and Dona, turned ten yesterday! A decade old. Can you imagine? My female owner commemorated the day by updating her FB status with “Happie 10th bday to my beloved boy terrapins, Dodo and Dona. I will be home soon! :)”

And didn’t expect three friends to “like” her status. Hey, we turtles have a fan club too! Happy birthday beloved brothers!

submission

2010-09-09T19:23:00.005+10:00

Out of sheer necessity, my female owner finally pulled up her socks and submitted her thesis on Tuesday (i.e. two days ago). Why “sheer necessity”? Coz her housemate was leaving Brisbane indefinitely on Wednesday and my female owner wanted to host a Good Riddance Party before she leaves.

My female owner tried to savour the process of submitting her thesis. She did not find it particularly flavourful. It was with an apprehensive and ambivalent heart that she handed over three copies of her 252-page, 57734-word thesis. She kept wondering if she had done enough and (as expected), catastrophised the worst case scenario that she had to rewrite big chunks of her arguments. And of course, the great uncertainty surrounding her future also dampened her mood.

So anyway, as a gesture of appreciation for her friends who laboured with her through her thesis, she hosted a dinner at night. My female owner felt so blessed to have such friends around her. She even said that with such friends around, she won’t mind doing another thesis. Err… sure anot? I think she was drunk when she said that.

getaway

2010-09-08T15:17:00.003+10:00

My female owner had a getaway to the Gold Coast last weekend. She had so much fun, she didn’t even have time to tell us turtles about it. The plan was to spend Saturday doing things that her departing housemate wanted to do. So Emo Sponge and my female owner spent the day with her, eating at her favourite restaurant, taking random photos, desserting at Max Brenner. This was the exact re-enactment of her housemate’s birthday last December. The trio then an agreement (dunno real or not) to meet up every year at Sanctuary Cove to celebrate their friendship.

Anyway, here are some photos to capture the day.

The charming restaurant

Freshest seafood, complete with entree and white wine

Do re mi

poor Emo Sponge, he got dragged into girlie stuff! and finally, desserts..

wonders

2010-09-03T23:08:00.000+10:00

And one starts to wonder what my female owner plans to do after she submits her thesis. Her biggest want is to do a roadtrip around Australia. Alas, she didn’t make enough friends in the past 2.5years to make that want come into fruition the way she wants it to. Still, within the limited circle of friends she has, she managed to cough out a getaway to Coffs Harbour (NSW), Adelaide, Canberra, Sydney and maybe Whitsundays (QLD). Short trips, but still better than nothing. Besides, it won’t be good to indulge too much into trips, if she hasn’t been working for a good part of the year.

And one starts to wonder what my female owner has in mind… after her mini getaways are completed.

Hmmm…

huge

2010-09-02T02:12:00.002+10:00

My female owner says that her new housemate is driving her crazy. She is filled with so much angst and annoyance that it shows clearly, whenever she ventilates to some of her friends. My female owner prides herself as easy-going, accommodating and flexible. She has few red buttons, but they can be really huge and sensitive and this housemate seems to be pressing all of them.

I know I have written about these red buttons before, but let me just point out the current huge and sensitive ones:

- People who intrude into her personal space constantly
- People who can’t read social cues well, given their age and experience
- People who are inconsiderate and/ or self-inviting
- People who frighten her cat for fun

Go figure what’s pissing my female owner off now. The funny thing is that today, she was ventilating to two friends, one female and one guy (separately). And both of them were very amused. The female friend even said “this is so entertaining” while the male friend just kept grinning.

On a serious note, my female owner is so pissed that she tries to avoid her housemate as much as she can, and keeps conversations to a minimal. At times, she even coops herself in her room so that their paths will not cross.

spring

2010-09-02T01:50:00.000+10:00

Today my female owner celebrates the first day of spring. She woke up in a super happy mood coz God really surprised her. (She had been praying recently, asking God to surprise her). For one, she finally booked a ticket back to Singapore at the end of the year (yay!). And then, she found out that her friend is also in the same flight as her. Double yay! And more importantly, her housemate told her last night that she didn’t need to move out of the house at the end of the year, because the mother decided to continue renting the house to her. YAY!!!! Such an unexpected turn of events.

And it’s spring today and somehow, it makes things better, psychologically for my female owner. Like a new beginning for her, as she embarks (prematurely coz her thesis is not yet submitted) on an ambivalence phase of life. She is looking forward to more surprises from God. She knows He has more in store for her.

obsessing

2010-08-31T23:29:00.002+10:00

Technically, my female owner was supposed to submit her thesis yesterday. But yet again, another man has failed her and she is still waiting for him to revert with the drafts she sent over the weekend. Fed up, she decided to start partying anyway and didn’t care two hoots about the broken state of her thesis. For the past two days, she had been obsessing with planning for short travels around Australia. She also toyed with the idea of returning to Singapore and doing a short travel with Potahto. So many options, so little cash. The only thing she confirmed was a getaway to Adelaide with Therapist Fren, and possibly Canberra/ Sydney with Stats Guru… Oh yes, Whitsundays with Emo Sponge. At press time, she is still obsessing with flight plans.

surge

2010-08-28T20:24:00.001+10:00

My female owner had this sudden surge to just pack up and go home next week. I think she has reached a point where she does not want to think about what to do anymore. Singapore, she says, is the easiest and most straight-forward option. Go home, and find a job. Rejoin the rat-race as a spectator.

She was sharing with one of her friends about her fleeting thoughts today and he wisely said to her to stay for the right reasons or to go home for the right reasons. Ah, an act of impulse doesn’t seem like the right reason eh.

Maybe she needs a personal retreat for this. You know how they say, never make a major decision when you are not feeling right. Thesus has taken a lot out of her and she probably needs to replenish herself before moving forward.

threshold

2010-08-27T16:38:00.000+10:00

Apparently my female owner’s supervisor took so long to revert with his comments on her second drafts that my female owner had the luxury of time to revert to her old-time habit – prolonged MSN chats. She hadn’t been visible for many months because of Thesus but just this week alone, she made connect with some buddies whom she had not spoken for some time – Potahto, Canadian Jogging Kaki and Melbourne Fren. She also went out with Intuitive Fren and got her dose of wit and fast-firing exchange of sarcasm.

All good times must come to an end, and it ended when her supervisor finally reverted with her drafts. Essentially her heart sank when she saw the multitude of comments and question marks he generously dosed onto her draft and the most perplexing thing he wrote came at the end of the two chapters: “good work, congratulations”.

My female owner finds it hard to reconcile his actions and words. Internally, she is fading away already. She is reaching her threshold of last minute comments which should have been pointed earlier, if at all. She says that her chapter has reached a point where if you fix something here, something else might collapse. So finally, she asked Special Fren if he would be available to do a last-time job of proof-reading her chapter, so that these cracks would be spotted now, than later. As usual, he kindly said ok. Ah, so blessed, my female owner.

assertiveness

2010-08-24T13:04:00.001+10:00

My female owner couldn’t help but be amused by a conversation she had with Mr S yesterday. The context is that last week, he agreed to go uni earlier today (he was already going to donate blood) to help her do up 112 tables for her thesis. He called her yesterday with “a piece of good news, and a piece of bad news”. Long story short, the good news was that he found a part-time job and the bad news was that he is starting today, i.e. he can’t help her. However, he told his boss that he would need a day off because he promised to help a friend. So he wanted to know if Wednesday or Thursday would be ok for her.

Upon hearing that, my female owner told him that it’s ok, she would do the tables herself. That she felt bad for disrupting his schedule and that he had to drive all the way to uni (about 45 mins) just to do something so boring. But he insisted on helping her, saying that he wanted to help out. Trying to be assertive (that’s what he always wanted her to be), she persisted in her stand

“Hey, its ok, I can do the tables myself, really.”
“So wed or thurs better for you?”
“huh? Are you listening to me? I said its ok, I will do it myself”
“So wed or thurs better?” (with slight giggle on his end)

Ah, how to be more assertive than her assertiveness coach? She gave up. After a while, it wasn’t even a conversation. But she was happy that he is man of his word, even though she was really ok if he couldn’t help out.

escapism

2010-08-23T09:42:00.001+10:00

The latest (but boring) update is that my female owner has finished the first chapter of her thesis. i.e. her supervisor’s last comment on her draft was “congratulations, you done a good job”. The empirical chapters are still on his end, so she can’t really move forward.

The latest (less boring) update is that my female owner feels very sianz about staying on in Australia. Surprise surprise! Besides the usual apprehensions about whether she can find a good paying job, getting her PR application and registration sorted out, money issues, car licence etc, the latest thing on her mind is that high likelihood that she has to move out of her current house by the end of the year, coz her landlord wants to rent out the whole house. Another big uncertainty coz it is hard to decided where to stay if you don’t have a job. My female owner’s usual catastrophising mechanism kicked in and her first response was to return back to Singapore. Oh well… escapism in its full glory.

Anyway, she decided that she can think about that later. Right now, its really just Theseus and her, working (hand in hand) to complete each other’s misery.

Stats Knight

2010-08-19T00:50:00.000+10:00

And so, my female owner met her knight in shining statistical armour. Stats Knight hails from the sunny island of Singapore. He’s someone whom my female owner know through Therapist Fren. They were never really close but he’s a helpful and caring person by nature, always looking out for his friends and feeding them with information to help them along as international students. Recently, my female owner faced an uphill task trying to figure out the discrepancies in her statistical outputs. Stats Knight had always been good in statistics but my female owner never approached him for help coz she felt they were not really close and as usual, she didn’t want to bother people.

But her recent crisis was so overwhelming that she just had to seek help. Stats Knight immediately made time to meet up with her to suss out her issues. He even went the extra mile to print things for her to refer to and “translate” those text into plain English. In fact, he was so excited while fixing her statistical knots that for a while, my female owner thought he actually made statistics look sexy.

Ah, and he rescued her from the bloody thorny snares of statistics, and my female owner says she is a happy girl again (until the next crisis happens).

fragile

2010-08-16T22:00:00.001+10:00

Did I mention that my female owner had a crying session last Friday, as she tried to rerun her stats to confirm her results? Having almost reached saturated point, she started making even more mistakes even as she tried to double-check her analyses and data entry. It reached a point where she couldn’t go on anymore and she started crying, the whimpering type of crying… not the tears of frustration type. But the tears of helplessness.

Mr S who was chatting with her on FB told her to take a break and she started to tell him how inapt she felt, that she couldn’t even do the simplest thing of checking numbers. And his reply was short and sweet, that she couldn’t do it, coz she was too smart for it. And she should leave such things to people with simple minds, like him.

In spite of her angst, my female owner couldn’t help but laugh at what he said (things people say to cheer you up). She promptly remembered the last time this laugh-and-cry-dichotomous-split-personality appeared – on the day when she was leaving for Brisbane this year. Special Fren brought her around to run her (last minute) errands and while approaching her house. My female owner was feeling sad so she started to cry. Special Fren then played her a Malay song which had touching words. He sang the song in English in a highly ticklish manner that also made her laugh. And she ended up really laughing and crying and freaking him out in the process. Classic moments with my female owner.

Today, she was struggling with interpreting her statistical findings. Her uni fren couldn’t figure out any statistical explanation for the weird patterns and started to question her supervisor’s decision making. My female owner also wanted to cry (she’s so fragile these days!). Then her friend started to make a parody of her situation. “So, your discussion would go something like this: I did correlations and didn’t find anything significant, but I decided to move on to regressions just in case there’s something happening there. And now that I did and found significant results, I can’t really explain what happened, and think that my sample size was too small to start with. Crap.”

My female owner ended up laughing over the silliness of the situation.

ikan bilis

2010-08-16T21:41:00.000+10:00

My female owner has been feeling touchy and angsty lately, and she attributes it to the ridiculous directions given by her supervisor regarding her thesis. Dodgy concepts and statistics galore. She ended up doing 84 multiple regressions (whatever that means), on top of other statistical analyses that he wanted her to do. It was as if her supervisor was casting his net wide to see what ikan bilis would be silly enough to be caught in her holey net. He changes his mind last minute, adding more analyses each time, and thus, changing her story each time.

So my female owner is very frustrated, and being her, she tends to direct her anger inwards, towards herself. She loathes to put the blame on her supervisor, so she says that she “should have been” more assertive and directive, and she “should have” clarified more etc etc. At the end of the day, she is blaming herself again. At the back of her mind, she feels sabotaged by him.

And we turtles are affected too. So hard to talk to her these days, without being pricked (hence my less frequent updates). I am still around, but my female owner had been MIA, tackling her T-monster

Nonetheless, she is thankful for her friends who have extended practical help to her. Besides Special Fren who readily agreed to be her proofreader, her Statistics Fren came out of FB to offer his statistics expertise. So did another uni friend who made time between his commitments at uni to look at her statistical write-ups and SPSS outputs when she asked him for help and even went the extra mile to offer more time-slots should she need it. Kudos also to her other uni friends (including Therapist Fren) who took pains to listen to her statistical dilemmas and offered their expert inputs and experience. And Mr S who said he would make time to do “humanitarian, charity work” just as long as it was something within his ability.

seven

2010-08-13T23:38:00.003+10:00

7 years ago, on this day (13 Aug), my female owner started her first full-time job in a statutory board. She was assigned a buddy who was exactly 7 years older than her (they have the same birthday). The buddy didn’t like her at first but they soon became comrades in the office. It could be the fact that they share the same birthday or something but my female owner and her are quickly telepathic. They had great chemistry between each other and their conversations were full of laughter, wit and sarcasm, so enjoyable that people commented on how they enjoy watching them interact.

Anyway, because of this, my female owner often wondered how life would be 7 years from 13 Aug. Today’s the day, obviously. Then, she thought that she would be working in a higher position than her first job (maybe a senior), be married with maybe a kid. And of course, that means she is living in her own house and not with parents.

Never in her wildest dream would she imagine that she would be overseas, almost completing a doctorate in clinical psychology. Something that was so out of reach at that point in time, has become her reality. So different from what she thought she would be. She's jobless, single and overseas. In fact, everything is different. What remains same is that she is still surrounded by her family and very blessed.

When God Ran

2010-08-10T14:00:00.001+10:00

Almighty God, the great I am
Immovable rock, omnipotent, powerful, awesome Lord
Victorious warrior, commanding King of Kings
Mighty conqueror, and the only time
the only time I ever saw Him run

CHORUS:
Was when He ran to me, He took me in His arms
Held my head to His chest, said “My son’s come home again”
Lifted my face, wiped the tears from my eyes
With forgiveness in His voice He said,
“Son do you know I still love you?”
He caught me by surprise when God ran

The day I left home I knew I’d broken His heart
And I wondered then if things could ever be the same
Then one night I remembered His love for me
And down that dusty road ahead I could see
It was the only time – it was the only time I ever saw Him run

And then He ran to me, He took me in His arms
Held my head to His chest, said “My son’s come home again”
Lifted my face, wiped the tears from my eyes
With forgiveness in His voice He said,
“Son do you know I still love you?”
He caught me by surprise as He brought me to my knees
When God ran – I saw Him run to me

BRIDGE:
I was so ashamed, all alone and so far away
But now I know He’s been waiting for this day

I saw Him run to me, He took me in His arms
Held my head to His chest, said “My son’s come home again”
Lifted my face, wiped the tears from my eyes
With forgiveness in His voice I felt His love for me again

He ran to me, He took me in His arms
Held my head to His chest, said “My son’s come home again”
Lifted my face, wiped the tears from my eyes
With forgiveness in His voice He said, “Son”, He called me Son
He said, “Son do you know I still love you?”
He ran to me and then I ran to Him
When God ran

proofreader

2010-08-10T01:44:00.001+10:00

My female owner has a prolonged mental gymnastics session today, as she tried to work out how to address all her supervisor’s comments and feedback for her thesis. The process, while not depressive (thankfully)...yt, sucked out all her vitality, spark and emotions. She was just robotic, going through the motion and trying to fire-fight. At the back of her mind, she wonders if she can complete her thesis in time and occasionally, would kick herself for being so ambitious.

Anyway, one crucial procedure for submitting a thesis is to have it proofread by a naïve reader, someone who has no privy to what the thesis is about. However, it is not easy to get a good naïve reader, given that firstly, the person must be willing to go through the torture of reading a thick write-up which is an instant cure for insomnia and secondly, the person must be psychologically-minded in order to be able to digest the material. My anal female owner has other criteria as well, such as command of English better than hers, cleverer than her, able to give critical feedback, work under tight time pressure etc. (sounds as if she is looking for a partner actually). My female owner almost convinced herself that she could do without a proofreader but she decided that it was not a wise choice.

And so, my female owner approached Special Fren who fit the criteria perfectly. And best part was, he readily agreed to help her out. My female owner tried to warn him of the humongous task ahead but he was game for it. True friend, says my female owner.

newbie

2010-08-10T01:33:00.000+10:00

My female owner has a new housemate. She can tell that the newbie is a very nice person but my female owner, being her, is not particularly enthusiastic about having another person living in the house. That’s 4 girls altogether. Even more people in her living space than back here in Singapore. My female owner can be quite individualistic at times. Even though she is accommodating and obliging, she guards her personal space and freedom very fiercely. She wants to come and go as she pleases and three housemates is just too many. But I say, it is early days yet. Maybe things will turn out even better (although I know my female owner is not convinced). Best if she has enough money to move out, get her own place and her own means of transport.

teary

2010-08-08T20:02:00.001+10:00

My female owner had a teary week. It started on Tuesday with the bombshells her supervisor dropped on her. She ploughed along on Wednesday, heavy hearted. Had a brief chat with Mr S who asked if she was ok. Thursday came, and she was still ambivalent and distressed over the happenings on Tuesday. However, she kept working on her thesis. Grateful for Mr S who sent her emails reminding her of what she had to do (coz he knew she would forget) and encouraging her to be more proactive in getting her supervisor to play his part. Emo Sponge came over at night. Had a brief face-to-face chat with him and my female owner almost teared again, talking about her problems. Friday. Emo Sponge had been faithfully whatsapping her to cheer her on and support her efforts in taking care of Sayang. When my female owner remarked that she feels as if she is having post-natal depression, he promised that he (being the god dad) and the father of Sayang (a friend who self-confessed to be her father) would be supporting her emotionally, financially, spiritually and physically. Ah, sweet words. Late pm, my female owner dragged herself to school to return an overdue book and to meet Mr S (how funny, both of them had to go to school but were too lazy to do so, unless they had other additional reasons to go out, hence they agreed to meet). Was meant to be a brainless evening but Mr S asked her again about her coping and emotional well-being, commenting that she was “flat”. He found out that it was very important for her to graduate by the end of the year and through his persistent but therapeutic probing, sussed out the deep seated reasons for her relentless pursuit of a ridiculous deadline… and in the process, she teared again. My female owner had never been teary over a stretch of so many days before. This is new and rightly distressing for her. However, after Friday's guided soul-searching, my female owner said that she is clearer of her irrational thoughts and inflexible beliefs.

trains

2010-08-05T09:16:00.000+10:00

My female owner has confirmed that she hallucinated on Tuesday night at the sushi restaurant. She asked Mr S to go back to the restaurant to inquire about the number of trains on the sushi line. He did, by talking directly to the boss, thus confirming that all through dinner, she was seeing things.

My female owner said that throughout dinner, as the train(s)? were passing by, she noticed that they were not set at equidistance from each other (i.e. not directly opposite each other). That of course meant that one train was sort of trailing behind the other and both were short in lengths.

She didn’t know what happened that at the end, as if the scales fell from her eyes, and she suddenly saw a single, long train.

So freaky she said. An hour of illusion!

losing

2010-08-04T08:53:00.002+10:00

My female owner had her biggest emo episode yesterday, no thanks to her supervisor who dropped the bombshell on her that he has not been able to find any markers for her thesis (at this late stage) and who questioned her ability to complete her thesis by 30 Aug 10. Not funny. My female owner didn’t know how to respond to these that she simply stared at him in shock. The nightmares of eccentric supervisors are happening to her. Had she worked so hard, all in vain? Every decision she made was in view of her plan to submit her thesis by 30 Aug 10 with ready markers.

She felt down and moody henceforth. She then met up with Mr S who, as usual, could tell that she was losing “it” and perhaps out of compassion, bought her coffee and cake and offered his listening ear. She tried her best to be good company for the rest of the night (after all they were meeting up after a long time) but the issues weighed heavily on her mind and heart. For the first time ever, she really wanted a beer for dinner. And she apparently had an hallucination which freaked her out (she saw two trains on the sushi line the whole time during dinner but Mr S said there was only one).

She went home and found Sayang missing. Another straw that threatened to break her back. Her friend, who had earlier popped by to feed her dinner, had told my female owner about the fierce cat neighbour who scared Sayang, and my female owner was convinced that Sayang had gone into hiding for the night. Her housemates and Emo Sponge were around and my female owner had brief conversations with them.

Going into her bedroom, my female owner started crying. She didn’t know what she was feeling. Was it anger? Or disappointment? Or hopelessness? Sitting through her tears, talking to Onli Fren and Emo Sponge (powers of technology), my female owner finally realised that while her chief complaint is tiredness, at her very core, she felt scared.

Some people call it fear.

notice

2010-08-02T23:39:00.001+10:00

My female owner just submitted her Notice of Submission, i.e. she is officially notifying the school of her intended submission date of her thesis. Having stated 30 Aug 2010 as her deadline, she is now regretting her lack of foresight in not giving herself some buffer time and declaring such a bold deadline (For those who don’t know, her thesis is actually due in Oct).

So she is in her final month of school and she is starting to feel the heat. The heat of getting her thesis written up and the heat of knowing that she has little plans beyond August. The high-achieving side of her which screams that she should be doing more with her time and the fun-loving side of her wanting to enjoy life even while writing her thesis. These days, she gets cranky easily and her friends suffer the brunt of her unintended sarcasm and snappiness. That’s why during such times, she rather be alone, so that she doesn’t step on anybody’s toes or ruffle any feathers. But ah, she is often surrounded by people, friends who bless her richly with their support, practical help and undying patience.

Still, she is cranky. She felt it within her today as she went out with her friends for dinner. She caught herself with great determination and reminded herself not to say or do anything that she would regret later. My female owner was not sure if she succeeded but she did her best to stay on safe topics.

4 more weeks.

Sayang

2010-07-31T22:38:00.006+10:00

And so, another animal turned up mysteriously at my female owner's house. And this time, its a super endearing, manja furball cat, whose antics melt my female owner's heart right away. Manja the Cat hang around the house the whole day that my female owner had no choice but to feed her some milk (coz that meant that Manja the Cat didn't have anything to eat the whole day too). My female owner and her friends reckoned that she is a domesticated cat that got lost somehow. They were not sure too, if she was able to hunt for her own food. Anyway, in my female owner's words "she is home now".

Sayang posing for my female owner

she perched herself outside the kitchen the whole day sleeping... my female owner woke her up to take photos.

her patience was rewarded...

and she's full of energy again

when

2010-07-29T19:23:00.002+10:00

Something my female owner adapted from another blog.

When she starts cursing at you trying to act all tough
Kiss her and tell her you love her

When she’s quiet
Ask her what’s wrong

When she ignores you
Give her your attention

When she pulls away
Pull her back

When you see her at her worst
Tell her she’s beautiful

When you see her crying
Just hold her and say nothing

When you see her walking
Sneak up and hug her from behind

When she’s scared
Protect her

When she steals your favourite hoodie
Let her keep it and sleep with it for a night

When she teases you
Tease her back and make her laugh

When she doesn’t answer for a long time
Reassure her that everything is okay

When she says she loves you
She really does more than you can understand

When she grabs at your hands
Hold hers and play with her fingers

When she bumps into you
Bump into her and make her laugh

When she tells you a secret
Keep it safe and untold

When she looks at you
Don’t look away until she does

When she says it’s over
She still wants you to be hers

usual

2010-07-28T20:44:00.001+10:00

My female owner had another emo moment today as she grappled with her insecurities, self-doubts and fears about the usual things concerning her thesis (will she get it passed by Nov?), her future (to stay or not to stay), her finances (will she be able to get a casual job in Sept, and eventually a professional job?).

Strange but true, my female owner was just surfing her usual news websites when she suddenly found herself on seek.com looking at available jobs in Brisbane. She apparently clicked on some advertisement about furthering your studies in psychology and somehow landed there within a few more clicks. Is that a sign that she better buck up? Even stranger is that the private hospital where she is supposed to be running group therapy is looking for a psychologist (needs to be fully registered though).

She just did some financial check on her bank accounts and realised that her money is running out. Probably can last her for about 6-9 months. This increased her sense of urgency (and poverty) and fantasises of her taking a long road trip vanished quickly. In the first place, she don’t think she can find anyone to travel with and she doesn’t want to do it alone.

And Theseus is giving her problems, no thanks to her supervisor who keeps changing his mind and has been slacking for a few weeks. She ends up writing and revising but not really progressing ahead.

Emo.

guys

2010-07-28T15:26:00.001+10:00

My female owner doesn’t like OZ guys very much. She had a few bad experiences with local guys, in terms of their attitudes and values, that she thinks they make lousy partners. My female owner still prefers Asian guys. Top of her list – guys from Hongkong. This started last year, when she was having a random conversation with a 30+ Singaporean guy who asked her about what she was looking for a in a guy. He then recommended Hongkong guys (among the major Asian countries) coz they make good husbands.

My female owner was amused by his recommendation but at that time, she didn’t really know many Hongkong guys well enough to be convinced. One year later, my female owner agrees with his observation. Although she doesn’t know any HK “husbands”, the HK guys in her circle of friends have proven themselves to be reliable, sensitive and of sound character. These include Emo Sponge and Mr S, and two other guys who are in her church group.

Her girl friends think that Malaysian guys are the best. My female owner is half-skeptical coz these girl friends are, erm, from Malaysia. But so far, she has had good experiences with Malaysian guys too. Just not too close to any in particular. But she rather not, coz what if Malaysia and Singapore go to war?

pet

2010-07-27T23:10:00.000+10:00

Yah, I was bored of orange, so I changed the skin of my Turtle Pad. It’s just a work in progress, so please don’t pick on the hastily-done design. My female owner promised that she would help me do up my Turtle Pad when she is done with her thesis. So this will do for the time being.

Anyway, did you know that you can keep turtles in Aussie? My female owner figured it out today when her friend took a photo of a turtle in a pet shop and sent it to her. Then, I know this is true, her heart became “itchy” and she wanted to get a(n) (ang-moh) turtle to sayang and call her own.

Everything by Tim Hughes

2010-07-25T23:48:00.001+10:00

fitness

2010-07-25T23:43:00.000+10:00

And so, this is the eve of my female owner’s return to the “real” world. She has about one more month before she has to submit her thesis. There are bits and pieces of her work in different states of being, awaiting further correction. There is a new group starting on Tuesday and even though she has clearly stated that she is not intending to attend any sessions if she is not running any segment, my female owner knows that she is obliged to turn up for a few.

Moving ahead in these final weeks, struggling to get out of her sleepy slumber (with the long arms of subconscious anxieties pulling her back down), my female owner has decided that the focus for the rest of winter would be encapsulated into Fs

i) Mental fitness – to complete her thesis
ii) Physical fitness – jogging and minimal snacking (healthy on the hips and pocket)
iii) Spiritual fitness – time to grow more in God

hiatus

2010-07-25T13:48:00.001+10:00

My female owner took an unplanned hiatus from Theseus , starting Thursday. Don’t worry, she plans to return to him tomorrow. It all started when she submitted her Main Introduction to her supervisor on Thursday and then, she realised that she had nothing more to do, until he reverted to her on Study 2, 3 and the Introduction. I mean, she can’t write the General Discussion if the studies are not confirmed right? So like a wandering spirit, my female owner had to look for other things to do. This were some of the randoms she got up to:

Thursday: Cooked dinner for friends plus Masterchef (second last episode)
Friday: Lunch with friend at a restaurant she never been to, afternoon of DVDs, church at night
Saturday: Early morning drive (2am) to Tweed Heads to wait for sunrise (really so ENG hoh), Taiwanese brekkie, Property inspection with friends in the arvo, Seafood dinner with other friends at night
Sunday: Church, KFC dinner with friends (see Thursday) and final episode of Masterchef

Intersperse these four days with heaps of food, snacks, chocolates, DVDs in free pockets of time, NO exercise, LOTSA sleep. My female owner knew that any of her high achieving friends would have packed more meaningful and goal-oriented activities if they had a hiatus like her. But really, my female owner ain’t feeling as if she is up to any achievement-driven endeavours. She did feel quite bad about being slothy, gluttony and nua but reckons all would be back to full swing starting tomorrow when she has to meet her professor and her supervisor who would most likely get her to butcher her write-ups.

graduation

2010-07-21T17:18:00.002+10:00

My female owner attended her first convocation of her friends today. She had never been able to make it for previous ceremonies. It was a heart-warming experience, as she soaked up the celebrative and joyous occasion. Behind every happy graduand’s smile lies the untold stories of undying support and faithof much-treasured family and friends. The pride of these supporters shone radiantly on their faces as they pose for photos with the graduands.

the round bonnet - remember my female owner likes round things?

Finally, graduation becomes a reality for my female owner. Seeing her Therapist Fren don on her magnificent gown and cutesy (probably not the right word to use here, since its supposed to be grand and scholarly) bonnet was a good reminder for my female owner that she is getting there. Much closer to the finishing line than ever before. She just gotta keep going and soon, she can say that she has arrived.

what is a graduation without props?

Defying Gravity Glee Lyrics

2010-07-20T22:09:00.000+10:00

A song that Special Fren shared with my female owner, to encourage her through this season of her life

birthday!

2010-07-20T09:37:00.001+10:00

Has it been a week since I last wrote? I was away, celebrating my sister and my birthday! We turned 8 on 14 Jul 10. Time flies, even when you are a turtle. Dodo and Dona gave us birthday kisses and hugs and did a birthday dance for us. Such lovely brothers. My female owner also sent her birthday greetings all the way from Downunder and made an announcement on Facebook. Posted up a photo of us too. Not the same without her. But life goes on, and hey, I’m proud to say that we turtles are growing to be like her – independent and free-spirited!

routine

2010-07-13T12:36:00.000+10:00

After about two weeks of dedicated work, my female owner has more or less settled into a routine with Theseus. Not actually the most exciting thing in her life, but at least, she is no longer as angsty and distressed over him. She has set up a "home office" kind of thing. She wakes up, starts working on him at about 10am. She normally starts by doing a day time-table and goal-setting. Keeps up a steady pace until about mid-arvo where she decides if she wanna go jogging. Her decision is based on many factors like the weather, her sense of achievement for the day and finally her motivation level. At night, she takes a breather by watching Masterchef on her lousy TV where reception goes bad religiously at the same time as Masterchef. The great mysteries of life.

Her social life is integrated into her work routine, and she makes it a point to do a few hours of work a day, no matter what. If not, weekend is pay-back time. While she has isolated herself much of the time, God had been taking care of her in the sense that her friends have been more proactive in asking about her state of being. Some of them have kinda become her personal cheerleader, waving her on, showering her with heaps of encouragement and understanding, and providing practical aid such as cooking meals and even resort to pulling her away from Theseus at strategic times.

Ah, wondering if she is beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel?

balance

2010-07-13T12:04:00.003+10:00

My female owner reported having a more balanced weekend. It took me a while to get updates from her coz she has developed an obsession with Theseus. So hard to pull her away from him these days. I seriously think that for her, Theseus is the short form of “these days, its just us”.

Anyway, her happening weekend started with Mr Nice Guy coming over to cook Singapore Chilli Crab for her. They went to the market to choose the crab together. Awesome flavour, she said. My personal take? I’m not too big on crabs, coz they have shells, like us turtles. Plus, at 1.6kg, so near Nanook’s weight, too close for comfort.

The chopped up crustacean

double double boil and trouble

fire burn and cauldron bubble ... sort of
just like the original, apparently

At night, she pulled herself out for a birthday dinner. Not very close to this person but she thought she better start building closer ties with people, rather than brood in her these-days-its-just-us cave. Her baker housemate, made the yummy cake you see below.

After dinner, my female owner actually skipped drinks (she quitted?!) and trotted off to a friend’s house for a sleepover. They had plans to hang out together on Sunday by going to church and having lunch together. My female owner made it home by mid-arvo and took a rare Sunday nap. Having said that, it shocked her to wake up to find the sky in darkness. Sun sets really early in Brisbane winter.

Her chillaxing weekend continued with her favourite Masterchef at night and because at 2200 she made a crazy goal of reaching 10000 words in her General Introduction (she was at 9046 then), my female owner then stayed up till 0230 to satisfy her machosistic tendencies.

sleep

2010-07-09T00:32:00.000+10:00

It’s the time of the night again, when my female owner wonders if she will be able to sleep properly. She changed her sleeping pattern somewhat last night. She decided not to set an alarm for waking up this morning, so that she could reduce the pressure of having to sleep soon enough in order to sleep at least 7 hours. That could have worked, coz she fell asleep in no time. The only trouble was that she ended up sleeping till about 10am. But she celebrated the fact that sleep came easy and undisturbed for once. In her words, better to sleep more and sweetly, than to sleep just nice and poorly.

My female owner says too that suddenly, her friends had been rallying around her. Second Onli Fren called her out of the blue from Singapore, coz she noticed that my female owner had been absent from MSN for a while. And has still been calling her. Special Fren sensed that she was feeling stressed one night and encouraged her not to lose heart and think positively. Then Emo Sponge, who had been missing from her life for a number of weeks now, messaged her randomly to ask how she was coping and affirmed her fighting spirit. He also pointed out everyone goes through bad seasons and this just happens to be my female owner’s time. Mr S also did his part in dispensing sleep hygiene tips and reminded her not to work on Theseus just before bedtime. And out of the blue, Therapist Fren also sent an email to cheer her on in her journey with Theseus, offering her listening ear in dire times.

My female owner was so touched at these gestures of love and encouragement that erm, she actually teared twice on two different days. She felt so undeserving of this outpouring of support. After all, she hadn’t exactly been the best company in recent weeks.

alone

2010-07-08T13:09:00.002+10:00

My female owner had been feeling alone in her battle with Theseus. Alone coz she doesn’t openly share her distress with people (after all, it is only a thesis and there are bigger issues, like poverty and natural disasters, in the world to deal with) and may honestly share a little when people ask her how she is coping (otherwise, it’s the polite “yup, its tough but I will get there” response). And because she is socially withdrawing from people, it increases her aloneness. She spends her time in her room (closed door), frantically reading and typing away. She doesn’t come out to chat with her housemates (hasn’t seen them properly for days). She avoids big social gatherings. Her choice of social interactions has been narrowed down to uni friends (coz she feels they can understand her pain without her saying too much) or one-on-one appointments with selected church mates (who ask to meet her). She hides on MSN. She hasn’t been able to sleep properly, either being unable to fall asleep, or when she does, wake up several times in the night. And she has been so frustrated with this that she has considered taking sleeping pills. Alas, she is not one for medication. She has conflicting thoughts and feelings about her situation and most definitely, she is upset with herself for being upset about something as simple and straightforward as writing a thesis. Ah, another one of her "I SHOULDN"T be feeling this way" traps.

Adele - Make You Feel My Love - Lyrics

2010-07-05T16:55:00.000+10:00

balance

2010-07-03T11:53:00.000+10:00

My female owner had been striking a reasonable balance between Theseus and personal time-out over the week (in her opinion – considering that she completed a paper and watched two movies, all episodes of Masterchef, had dinner with Mr S three times, coffee twice, jogging once, shopping once, lunch with uni friends once). As usual, she felt that she could have done more, but nonetheless, a good start for a cerebrally intense July. Unlike last weekend, she declared this weekend as Getaway WITH Theseus. She intends to work really hard (and efficiently) on her General Introduction and aims to write about 10000 words (how many blog entries is that?). Already, she had made progress in the right direction by firstly, coming up with the skeletal framework of the introduction (and discussion) and secondly, transferring all her existing references to Endnotes (whatever that is, too high-level for a domestic turtle to interpret). Now all she has to do is to keep writing, reading and thinking. Her goal for today is 1500 words and she has 491 words already. Sounds like progress.

platonic

2010-07-02T11:21:00.001+10:00

Ever since Mr S and my female owner cleared the air about their status on Tuesday, my female owner felt a sense of liberation about their relationship. It is as if they can now freely interact with each other without second-guessing intentions and motivations, without any strings attached and instead, enjoy a true platonic friendship. They must have felt even more comfortable now, coz they had no qualms about meeting impromptuly for a late-night movie last night – meeting three days in a row! Once again, he would drive about 45mins to get to her house and send her home in the exact opposite direction of his house (think north and south) from their favourite cinema but that is his prerogative, with no ulterior motives on his part.

My female owner says that knowing him had been good for her (she is not sure if the feeling is mutual but he has also acknowledged that he values the friendship). Amidst all her friends in Brisbane, he is one of the few who could relate to her emotionally and psychologically with ease and confidence. He also availed himself when she was emo and directly labelled her feelings when she could not bring herself to do so. It helps also that he is older than her coz it’s like a breath of fresh air, being able to tap into his years of experience and wisdom, instead of putting up with erm…. I shall not go on lest I offend anyone.

race

2010-07-01T14:53:00.002+10:00

My female owner aims to complete Paper 3 today. Her supervisor is going away for two weeks this Saturday and she hopes to submit something to him before he leaves. Never mind that he might not have the time to read the paper before he leaves (he is apparently still sitting on Paper 2). It is just one of the time pressures she created for herself in order to get moving on Theseus.

She finally realised or accepted that working on Theseus is really a solo expedition. A journey she has to undertake, endure and complete by herself. While she has many friends cheering her on the sidelines (and she is very grateful for their tireless support), they are in no position to assist with the technicalities and the difficulties she might face. It’s an endurance race to the finish. A race she claims as her own. And she has every intention to finish a winner.

triggered

2010-06-30T22:51:00.000+10:00

My female owner had an emo day, being triggered by past memories. She met Mr S for coffee in uni and he asked her the inevitable “you look unhappy today, what’s wrong?”

She struggled, but eventually got some old stuff off her chest. Took a long time. Not that he was able to do anything but just sit with her until she was ready to move on. Then he kindly offered to meet her afterward for dinner, because she didn’t want to go home and interact with too many people (there was going to be a jogging group tonight).

For this, she is grateful.

express

2010-06-30T01:07:00.000+10:00

My female owner had the most interesting conversation with Mr S tonight. Quite unexpected actually. They went out for a movie and then he suggested going for a hot drink. They ended up somewhere in Milton which was the Little Paris of Brisbane.

Anyway, the conversation started casual. And then it turned deep quite quickly when he asked about certain incidents that happened on Saturday (the day they went hiking) and later commented that my female owner had been “too nice” and he felt uncomfortable about how she was constantly giving in to him. Finally, he grinned and said he needed to ask her a question. The question was about whether she thought there was anything more to the friendship. My female owner said she thought of them as friends. Happily, he also cleared the air and established that they are only friends.

The conversation then geared back towards my female owner’s personality – her indecisiveness, her difficulty in communicating emotionally (or being guarded, even unintentionally) and her tendency to accommodate others etc. it is hard to capture the exact flow of the discussion but the essence was the same perennial issues that her closer psychologically minded friends had previously raised to her on many occasions. My female owner couldn’t believe that her past (or rather buried present) had come back to haunt her.

Mr S was extremely patient and reassuring during the conversation (counsellor mode?), and while it was difficult for her to express herself properly/ adequately, my female owner found the face-to-face context refreshing and therapeutic, coz it brought her out of her comfort zone and made her confront many issues (in vivo) which she had been avoiding or given less thought about.

So much food for thought. I wonder what my female owner would do next.

GATW

2010-06-29T00:04:00.005+10:00

My female owner had her inaugural Get Away from Theseus Weekend last weekend. It probably started on Friday arvo when she went to watch a movie cum dinner with Mr S. And ended off Friday with a trip to the dessert store with some of her church friends.

Then on Saturday, Mr S and her went to Mount Warning (in New South Wales – so she went interstate!), a World Heritage rainforest park for some steep mountain climbing. Was the most challenging she ever done with any of her hiking buddies. But extremely rewarding she said, for the paranomic views on the mountain top. She would have remained on the top for hours if she could. It helped tremendously that Mr S was well-organised and took care of safety aspects of this climb, making it more pleasant for my female owner (think protective gloves to counter huge metal chains).

They then made impromptu stops along the way home (2hrs drive) for coffee and dinner. My female owner also witnessed her first partial lunar eclipse and was thrilled by the phenomenon.

Sunday started off leisurely. My female owner read her book (Eat, Pray, Love). Then she went out with one of her housemates for an impromptu shopping spree at their favourite outdoor shop (Kathmandu) and their favourite coffee joint (Campos Coffee). Despite taking their own sweet time, they made it to church in good time. After service, they went home for a dinner of leftovers (which they were happy about coz they had so much food in the fridge). My female owner’s perfect day ended with an episode of Masterchef and more reading.

Her verdict was that she should schedule in more GATWs to keep her motivation level up. I agree too!

housewife

2010-06-25T09:38:00.001+10:00

My female owner says that she has become a full-time housewife with effective from yesterday.

Firstly, she successfully terminated flute with no drama. Congratulations on that. Everyone at her dinner party was happy and gleeful for her. So this means no more obligation to practice flute when she doesn’t feel like it and spending half a day travelling to and fro for lessons. And of course, saving about $43 each week (note to her: to redo budgeting again!)

Secondly, a bonus, there is no group therapy for the next four weeks. She cannot thank God enough for this, especially since her supervisor would be away for four sessions and my female owner is expected to take those sessions.

No more group therapy on Tues and Thurs. No more flute on Thurs. That means, no commitments for the next four weeks. So my female owner, can, in theory, stay home 5 days a week and be a full-time housewife. In theory, that is. (another note to her: to establish another routine so that she can complete Theseus asap)

match-making

2010-06-23T22:41:00.002+10:00

My female owner meant to spend at least three hours with Theseus today but she ended up doing other things for other people.

She spent 4.5hours formatting 200 powerpoint slides for her technologically-challenged-old-enough-to-be-her-father research supervisor. 2 hours grocery shopping for tomorrow’s house dinner. 30mins to help mum with her conference abstract. 1 hour to practice flute. 1.5 hours to watch Masterchef. 1 hour to chat with friends, emails , FB etc, okay, make that two hours. Hmmm… and the day is gone!

Poor Theseus. Very neglected and unhappy. And my female owner has massive R&R plans for the weekend, starting tomorrow.

Thurs: Toowong, Final flute lesson (by hook or by crook), House dinner (apparently to celebrate her stopping flute lessons - obviously assuming that she would be assertive enough!)
Fri: Maybe movies with Mr S (I think I should call him Mr S from now on, Fated Guy sounds so misleading)
Sat: If weather permits, bush walking with Mr S
Sun: Lunch at Campos Coffee with housemate, church

Okay, I think she needs to start prioritising Theseus come next Monday. You must understand that it’s not love at first sight for them, but rather, an awkward match-making attempt by the above-mentioned supervisor.

jabez

2010-06-21T11:54:00.001+10:00

Many of you know that my female owner’s name means “bad omen”. She spent some moments in her life wondering how she ended up with such a horrible name. Anyway, she learnt recently about a character in the bible – Jabez. His name was mentioned only three times in the bible but the prayer he made is a famous one.

And Jabez called on the God of Israel saying, “oh, that You would bless me indeed, and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would be with me, and that You would keep me from evil, that I may not cause pain!” So God granted him what he requested. 1 Chro 4:10 (NKJV)

The interesting thing about Jabez is that his name means “he will cause pain” and in this prayer, he prayed against the meaning of his name and was subsequently blessed by God. That is what my female owner going to do.

exhausting

2010-06-20T08:52:00.003+10:00

My female owner had been largely anti-social recently, being bogged down with Theseus and given the fact that most of her friends are working or unemployed. Hence, they are really “free” to chillax the whole weekend. However, after starting on her “love letter” to Theseus, she managed to pull herself out for a jog with five of her friends yesterday. She couldn’t really get into the rhythm of running as she normally would but celebrated the fact that she actually went for it.

After jogging, the group of friends ended up at her house for an impromptu home-cooked dinner. Normally her friends would have eaten out. Her housemates and her just pulled together whatever ingredients they had. The guys did their part to buy chicken, wine and rent a DVD – Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. An interesting quasi-artsy film.

Late night, more of her friends gathered together to watch World Cup (since Australia was playing). However, my female owner chose to skip that (in the past she would have joined) and went to bed. Theseus, she says, is exhausting.

愛是不保留 (An Unreserved Love)

2010-06-19T09:54:00.001+10:00

Fated Guy introduced my female owner to Chinese/ Cantonese Christian songs and this is one of the songs she liked. She managed to get an English version of the song. Enjoy.

perk

2010-06-19T09:46:00.000+10:00

My female owner finally spent a good day with Theseus yesterday. After getting rid of her RA work and folio write-up, she could focus solely on Theseus. It was a slow process, but nonetheless significant, coz this probably going to be her new routine for the next two months. And she might as well start getting used to it now. There were a few perks in her otherwise cerebral day – being able to catch up with Onli Fren, having I-Fren pop over for an impromptu visit (and walk), talking to Fated Guy via email throughout the day, having her housemate cook dessert, practicing flute, having a super funnie FB pooing session with two gal-frens, not needing to cook (since she had leftovers and lifegroup at night). She had a jio to go to Bribie Island today, she struggled between wanting to go, and knowing its best not to go. And, she ended up not going. So, it’s a new day with Theseus for her today. Hopefully she gets some perks today (already there are plans for running at 4pm.. hmm.. dunno if that is a perk or a stressor).

terminating

2010-06-18T00:04:00.000+10:00

Today, my female owner did something she normally would struggle to do and hence, not do – tell her flute teacher that she wants to stop flute. She had told Fated Guy about her struggle in this area of terminating relationships and he had firmly pointed out the absurdness of her thoughts, that she did not need to feel bad or guilty about stopping class, that she had the ultimate power to decide and if she is not happy in the process of learning, then it defeats the purpose.

Then he proposed that she do it asap and offered to buy her dinner if she does it today during flute. His point was that if she was going to do it eventually, why not now? Why procrastinate?

My female owner wasn’t motivated by the dinner per se, but she knew this was something she had to do. Hence, she decided to tell her flute teacher at the end of class. With a heavy heart, she attended class and her flute teacher could tell that something was wrong. However, my female owner kept mum, coz she had only psyched herself to tell him at the end of class (classic procrastination). Class ended (finally) and the next student and his mother came in before she could broach the issue! Ordinarily, my female owner would have given up and left without saying a word. However, she knew she could not face herself or Fated Guy if she left passively and dinner would have been meaningless. Hence, she just spoke up from where she was and informed him of her decision, to which he said “I know you are busy, let’s talk about it next week”.

My female owner left in a shaky state, upset. However, Fated Guy was elated on hearing that she did it. He kept grinning and congratulating my female owner. My female owner couldn’t make sense her success until she calmed down. She then realised that firstly, she had done what she said she would, despite the fact that the situation was turned unexpectedly awkward and unconducive. Secondly, it didn’t really matter how she did it, coz the focus was on her standing up for herself and thirdly, really, there is no right way of doing something like that. A behavioural experiment done well. My female owner knew she could have never done it if Fated Guy had not been supporting her through her internal conflicts.

On his part, Fated Guy kept his promise and cooked a yummy Hongkong-style dinner for her housemates and her (talk about immediate reward!). They also did a little role play about what might happen next week when she attends class and my female owner was promised another yummy dish if she sticks to her decision. My female owner reckons she would stick to her guns next week, but knowing that “someone is watching” helped her muster up enough courage to speak out.

vulnerable

2010-06-16T16:20:00.000+10:00

My female owner has been preoccupied with two things recently. One – Theseus. Given that it is already mid-June and she is not progressing with him in terms of her goals for this month, my female owner is rightfully panicking.

Second – Fated Guy. All along she had thought of their friendship as well, fated. Coz they seem to get along well, despite the short length of time, share similar interests and have similar personalities and predispositions. My female owner says that she feels as if time flies whenever they are together coz they don’t run out of things to say and they laugh easily over trivial things. However, recently, he had been doing a few things that might be beyond what a normal friend would do. Perhaps, what a very good guy friend would do, and maybe that’s what it’s all about.

Therapist Fren has the most details about what he has been doing and gets entertained teasing my female owner about it. However, at the end of the day, she tells my female owner to be open about possibilities. My female owner has been rejecting all these possibilities.

Whether or not Fated Guy is interested in her, my female owner cannot deny that they are getting closer, psychologically and emotionally, based on the nature of things they share with each other. With each revelation, my female owner feels more and more vulnerable, more and more exposed. While they are just friends, she sometimes gets the feeling that their interaction is similar to romantic partners. And she is reacting internally “if this is what entering into a romantic relationship is about – being open and vulnerable, then maybe I don’t want it”

So the distress and apprehension she feels is really about the realisation that she has an ambivalent-anxious attachment style, that when people get too close to her, she starts to put up defences so that they cannot come nearer in. She knows that deep down, she doesn’t want to risk being hurt, whether by friends or romance (hence, she had been so selective and guarded). And for Fated Guy, he would be returning to his home country in two months’ time and my female owner knows she would be upset when he leaves, just as she had been when her Jogging Kaki went home. So, the closer they are now, the more hurt she would be later.

peek

2010-06-16T10:14:00.000+10:00

My female owner has been so occupied recently that it had been difficult to get her. I took a peek into her diary and this was what she had been up to.

Last Friday
Stayed at home to redo her paper 1 for publication; life group at night; late night soccer (world cup, apparently)

Saturday
Stayed home in the day to do RA work; mid-arvo went out to plant a birthday surprise for I-Fren. Her friends and her were unsure if they would be able to nab him but decided to take the risk anyway. It was a worthwhile experience coz they caught him unaware (and so did he, he turned up when they were decorating his car!). Ended up having dinner together (finally!!) and taking a casual photo-taking walk along Brisbane River, with hilarious results. Late night, she had some friends over for coffee.

Sunday
Began the day with RA work (never ending). Went to church and at night, stayed over at friends’ place at Toowong, because she was going hiking the next day and Mr Nice Guy was going to pick her up at 0600hr.

Monday
Day began so early, lack of sleep. Mr Nice Guy and her went Mt Barney for a “moderate to steep” hike. Attentive to details, he brought along a hot water flask to make hot drinks at the destination and even came prepared with a portable stove/ steamer to heat up his homemade tim sum for lunch. Yumz. My female owner came home and crashed for a couple of hours, before doing some non-thesis work at night.

Tuesday
The day started out very bad, with murphy’s law reappearing at any possible instance (she was going to Toowong for group therapy). She tolerated the distress until mid-day, after which she had a lunch appointment with Fated Guy. They were supposed to go Sunnybank to have lunch but because my female owner had a hard day, he suggested going somewhere quiet to chill (*touched*) and they ended up at Mt Cootha. Then they adjourned to Campos Coffee in the Valley (best coffee in Brisbane) and finally back to Sunnybank to get some groceries (coz that was the whole point of the appointment – he wanted to get groceries from Sunnybank). In the evening, she met up with a stranger for dinner at the stranger’s house. They were connected through her previous supervisor who wanted my female owner to help this person with some queries about Singapore. Then my female owner went home, chatted with Therapist Fren for 1.5hours and started on her RA work after midnight.

Wednesday
Today. Her plan is to complete all her outstanding bits and pieces. Theseus had been sorely neglected and my female owner is feeling tense about it.

space

2010-06-11T01:48:00.001+10:00

Hmm… my female owner went out alone with Fated Guy today. Tis strange, how things unfolded she said.

It was meant to be just a dinner, which extended to tea, movie, dinner, dessert and telly at her house. He ended up leaving after midnight. My female owner’s friends have been teasing her about him and wondering (very) aloud if anything else is happening between them. My female owner’s answer has always been a firm no. And today, after being in close proximity for more than 9hr, my female owner knows there is nothing more than friendship between them. She sums up the relationship as "functional".

But yes, he was once again very gentlemanly (this trait always melts my female owner’s heart) and thoughtful. Giving her space to choose what she wants and insisting that she expresses what she wants, encouraging her to try new things, killing a cockroach even (dunno why insects and bugs always appear whenever they are together and he’s like the bug terminator) and other typical gentlemanly gestures. There was an emotive situation that arose which my female owner thought he handled well and in the process, reflected his thoughtfulness.

My female owner says for now, he is another rare counter-evidence for her previous mantra “all guys are bad”

happen

2010-06-08T21:32:00.003+10:00

So the flavour of the month is “believe in yourself”

My female owner’s research supervisor told her that today, that he wants to increase her sense of self-efficacy and reminded her not to be overly critical as she starts to run therapy with him. Seems like he is more forgiving and trusting of her abilities than herself!

Her clinical supervisor who heaped lots of praise onto her during their final externship review, saying that she had to increase her self-confidence. This mirrored her previous clinical supervisor’s words too, who told her to trust what she knows and to recognise her strengths.

Then, I-Fren, with whom she started a very random conversation today coz her friend just named her new baby withhehe same name. His messages over the past two years had been consistent, persevering and instinctive. My female owner had, with the same vigour, consistently, persistently and instinctively pushed him away psychologically. I think he decided to just “wait and see”.

Special Fren did his counselling spin on my female owner too. More sporadic than I-Fren but still nicely timed (they seemed to take turns actually). Until finally, he kinda indicated that he had done all he could, the rest is up to my female owner. He also pointed out the contradiction that my female owner needed a lot of affirmation but at the same time, rejected them all.

And Fated Guy who actually only entered her life two months ago but seemed to hit the nail on the head quickly with her issues. Passed her a movie which removed the scales from her eyes.

Topping it off, Therapist Fren who had the misfortune of putting up with her endless whines and self-doubting statements, and providing those assurances that soothed her anxiety (or maybe just reduce the intensity).

It’s time for my female owner to believe in herself, to take an active part in her life and make things happen. No longer saying, “let’s see what happens and I will deal with it when it comes” but “this is what I want, because I know I can achieve it and I deserve to have it, and I am going to make it happen”

*breathe*

Takes a lot of energy to type that out! Hopefully, she starts to live a more convicted and intentional life, to learn to ride the currents but not just float along. Time to move on!

love

2010-06-08T21:14:00.001+10:00

Onli Fren started her own blog!! My female owner (and I) paid homage to the blog. Set in rosy pink, the first entry was “I still believe in love”. How apt. So nicely written, I feel ashamed of my amateurish writing! (mental note to self: to brush up on my writing)

Anyway, my female owner is at the age and stage where she may not find “true love” and get married and have kids. At this stage of her life, she is pretty happy to be left on her own – mobile, commitment-free, flexibility. However, she is really not sure if she will feel that same way in 25 years time, when most of her peers are married and have their own family, and she is single… and erm.. physically less mobile.

My female owner’s life did not turn out the way she imagined it to be when she was a child, or the way she planned it to be after she graduated. Maybe that’s why she is hesitant to plan. Where would planning lead to, if there are so many external variables beyond her control?

My female owner had been thinking about her ex from time to time. One thing she hasn’t really let go of is, I mean, was, the time when he looked at her and said that he thought she had a mental illness. My female owner told this to Special Fren recently, and his response was “he’s crazy”. Special Fren might not have realised it, but those words brought comfort to my female owner. The feeling of being supported now, even though the incident happened so many years ago and she felt defenceless and vulnerable then.

Nonetheless, like Onli Fren, my female owner still believe in love.

Orianthi - According to you (Official music video HQ)

2010-06-07T15:12:00.000+10:00

According to you
I'm stupid,
I'm useless,
I can't do anything right.
According to you
I'm difficult,
Hard to please,
Forever changing my mind.
I'm a mess in a dress,
Can't show up on time,
Even if it would save my life.
According to you. According to you.

But according to him
I'm beautiful,
Incredible,
He can't get me out of his head.
According to him
I'm funny,
Irresistible,
Everything he ever wanted.
Everything is opposite,
I don't feel like stopping it,
So baby tell me what I got to lose.
He's into me for everything I'm not,
According to you.

According to you
I'm boring,
I'm moody,
You can't take me any place.
According to you
I suck at telling jokes cause I always give it away.
I'm the girl with the worst attention span;
You're the boy who puts up with it.
According to you. According to you.

But according to him
I'm beautiful,
Incredible,
He can't get me out of his head.
According to him
I'm funny,
Irresistible,
Everything he ever wanted.
Everything is opposite,
I don't feel like stopping it,
So baby tell me what I got to lose.
He's into me for everything I'm not,
According to you.

I need to feel appreciated,
Like I'm not hated. oh no
Why can't you see me through his eyes?
It's too bad you're making me dizz-ay

According to me
You're stupid,
You're useless,
You can't do anything right.
But according to him
I'm beautiful,
Incredible,
He can't get me out of his head.
According to him
I'm funny,
Irresistible,
Everything he ever wanted.
Everything is opposite,
I don't feel like stopping it,
Baby tell me what I got to lose.
He's into me for everything I'm not,
According to you. [you, you]
According to you. [you, you]

According to you
I'm stupid,
I'm useless,
I can't do anything right

believe

2010-06-07T13:01:00.000+10:00

Seems like this is a season of contemplation and soul-searching for my female owner. She has been engaged in conversations with Special Fren regarding her psyche. I think Special Fren has come to a point where he has concluded that he has done all he can to bring my female owner to her senses. And now, it’s up to her to make the necessary changes (and stop wallowing in LSE).

My female owner was updating Special Fren about her truncated conversation with Fated Guy with regards to her dreams and future. Truncated, because she had no idea, so the conversation didn’t go far. Special Fren then pointed out “you just refuse to see it”

How true. My female owner has so much in front of her. She has mobility and flexibility in how she want to craft out the next decade of her life (and beyond) and yet, she says she has no future. How tragic.

Her restraints are largely due to uncertainties. What if I stay and something happens at home? But I don’t have money to settle down in Australia! I love the lifestyle here, but my family and peers are in Singapore. What if I can’t find a good job here?

Anyway, she generated some of her thoughts of what she might like to do. And Special Fren told her to stick to the plan, and to believe in her plan.

How apt. My female owner never really believed in her plans, coz I think, she never really believed that she could achieve more than the average Joe in the streets. This just reinforced what happened recently, when, after hearing her reflections on Pursuit of Happyness, Fated Guy modified a quote from the movies for her: "don't ever let somebody tell me I can't do something, not even myself!"

She really needs to start internalise esteem-boosting statements for herself.

just

2010-06-06T23:23:00.001+10:00

Tomorrow, my female owner starts a “new lease of life”. She has no other mega commitments except “just thesis”. Telling people she has a “thesis to do” seems to trivialise the enormity of the task ahead.

“So it’s only a thesis for you”

“So just a thesis ah?”

“even though your thesis is big, at least you completed the rest of your coursework”

“you only need to work on your thesis?”

“so what do you have for the rest of the year? Thesis? Just that?”

Come on, it’s not “just”. The thesis is worth 16 credits, which makes 1/3 of her programme. 16 credits is like doing 8 average-sized modules. Her five placements were worth 12 credits altogether. About 40000-50000 words, that’s about eight to ten 5000-word essay.

Yah, just a thesis. Easier said than done.

living

2010-06-06T22:53:00.000+10:00

My female owner always enjoyed talking to friends who are in the helping profession. Recently, she had been talking to Fated Guy and enjoys the fact that their conversations can range from random day-to-day events to quiet reflective existential questions about life.

Mental health-trained, he understands her professional issues and struggles fairly quickly and through his responses, broaden her perspective and understanding of her situation. Today, he shared with her how she could build confidence in her clinical skills (coz she said that her supervisors had told her that she had good clinical skills but she could not bring herself to believe them).

At times, he would ask her deep reflective questions that makes her stop and ponder and search deeper with herself. Today, he asked her “what is your dream?”, “what inspires you?”

My female owner struggled with those questions. The truth is, she is too afraid to dream. Then he asked “so you mean you had a dream, but you stopped dreaming? Or you are suppressing it?” She never realised it, but yes, she probably had a lost dream. Lost in the day-to-day struggles of life, lost in her own insecurities and ruminations, lost because she was blinded by the now.

Thinking a bit more, my female owner realised that she is actually living her overseas postgrad dream in the now. The tediousness of writing up a thesis had taken a toll on her, to the point that she had forgotten that this, the thesis writing, is part of her dream.

Becoz of this revelation, my female owner decided that she will start to enjoy living her dream more.

herself

2010-06-03T22:37:00.001+10:00

Today, my female owner realised that she is the only one who puts herself down.

The seed was planted a few days ago when Special Fren commented that my female owner had a tendency not to acknowledge her strengths and be dismissive when people give affirmations.

Then today, Fated Guy finally remembered to pass her a copy of Pursuit of Happyness. My female owner thought it was just another movie but later on, he emailed her to take note of a particular scenario where the father said to the son, something along the line of “don’t let anyone make you believe you can’t do something, not even me!”

My female owner reckons this email was prompted by the conversation when my female owner tried to convince Therapist Fren and him that she is clumsy and has poor psychomotor skills. Both of them tried to dispute her claim and Therapist Fren finally said “it is hard to change her mind about herself”

Anyway, reading that my female owner wrote back to say that that was an uplifting statement, in the light of her present difficulties. Fated Guy asked how it was relevant and upon reflecting, she realised that the “anyone” in this case was herself. All this while, she had allowed herself to believe that she can’t do things or achieve things.

It was confronting to a certain extent, to realise how she had been slowly destroying herself, especially when no one in her recent history had ever cast doubt on her abilities. In fact, people had been more optimistic and confidant of her than herself. And yes, she dismissed those words of encouragement as people being polite or trying to be supportive. At the same time, she held fast, the negative criticisms of different individuals from her distant past. How lop-sided.

She shared this revelation to Special Fren (who probably understood her psyche the most) and he confirmed that she “is the only one who puts urself down”

And my female owner’s decision, “I want to let go of this”.

girly

2010-06-03T21:29:00.002+10:00

My female owner had a highly hilarious day. She had lunch with her uni frens and was scheduled to have afternoon coffee with Fated Guy. Except that in-between her lunch and afternoon tea, Therapist Fren and another gal (who knew about the happenings) started to corner her about Fated Guy and their progress. My female owner was immensely amused by their cross-talk and vivid fantasies about Fated Guy and her. Like how my female owner was not taking the issue seriously and that there was a mental blockage (which was later clarified as “mental resistance”) on her part.

“talk nonsense” was the summary of my female owner’s response.

They started to ask if he showed signs of interest in her and my female owner said no.

“did he introduce his friends to you?” (no!.... “but you went camping with his housemates”)
“did you guys talk about your future?” (yes, but separate futures)

Knowing that they were not convinced, she then asked them to join her for coffee and certainly, it didn’t take much for them to agree. And the best part was, they didn’t want her to tell him they were coming along and instead, to spring a surprise on him. How girly!

Afternoon coffee went well. Much chatter and laughter. My female owner didn’t know if having her friends around caught him off-guarded (he did look shocked) or disrupted his plans but she felt that he interacted well with them (much better than she would have, if roles were reversed). Anyway, Fated Guy and Therapist Fren had been acquainted before in other settings.

Her other friend left quite fast but Therapist Fren stayed till the end to gather “intel” and of course, to amuse herself. Debriefing with Therapist Fren was equally funnie, as she started to build upon her earlier fantasies and broke into fits of giggles.

"you guys were obviously very comfortable with each other" (yah, but that's the same for any friends)
"you guys progressed so fast in such a short time to such personal issues" (progress doesn't mean anything more than friendship, besides, the things we talked about, he also asked you just now. duh)

Oh well, girly fun at her expense. Looks like her ploy didn't work.

winter

2010-06-03T00:16:00.003+10:00

Winter started a few days ago.

My female owner had been a little blue recently but surprise surprise, she woke up with a cheer on the first day of winter. I think it helped that the weather looked promising – cool yet sunny, with clear skies and white clouds. So anyway, the end of autumn and the start of winter. Time to put her placement behind her (soon) and start exclusively on her thesis.

By the way, her supervisor told her that he is 90% confidant she will get her DCP, and this was based on one completed study and a first draft of the second paper. Supposed to be reassuring, but my female owner is still having doubts about her “dodgy thesis”, to the point where she said she wanted to write up three studies, even though her supervisor thought that two studies were sufficient. My female owner also started to ruminate about whether she can complete her thesis by 31 Aug, to which her supervisor said "you will".

Seriously... I reckon she has an anxiety problem.

bariatric

2010-06-02T23:58:00.005+10:00

My female owner is in this mode of being: piaing work - the final lap of placement which involves doing up her folio. She has completed most part of it except the organisational project worth 200hrs of work. With little time left, it means doing intense literature review and write-up on bariatric surgery patients. Apparently the operation is for morbidly obese people to staple their stomachs so that they will eat less and lose excess weight. Hopefully she doesn’t try anything funny on Nanook or me.

With her regained focus on work, the unintended consequences are firstly, she has stopped exercising (so that she can conserve mental energy and not listen to her mind and body argue about whether to exercise) and secondly, she has starting on her junk food routine. That means…. potentially gaining weight (again).

It’s a cycle isn’t it? Sometimes she relishes jogging and is disciplined in her food intake, at other times, her healthy lifestyle just goes pear-shaped.

Oh yes, and she has reduced her social outings by choice, i.e. actually saying no to people, and not appearing too much on MSN. The few treats she retains – flute (she actually reported having withdrawal symptoms for not practicing for three days) and her nightly dose of Masterchef.

Theseus

2010-05-31T22:10:00.002+10:00

And his name is Theseus.

The name of her thesis that is. My female owner has declared war, cold war, on Theseus since last week. She is still in the midst of regaining control.

In the same vein, she declared that she would be in an exclusive relationship with Theseus for the next three months. A “short but intense” relationship.

Hmmm… how confusing and inconsistent!

With no real deadline imposed by the school (usually in Oct actually), my female owner is finding hard to get her act together. She wants to complete the thesis as soon as possible. End Aug to be exact, so that there would be ample time for the markers to mark, for her to make changes etc and still be in time to graduate at the end of the year. This has important consequences on her other endeavours, which include national registration, application for permanent residence (she is NOT coming back to us???) and job application.

Oh well... Let me mope in my corner for a bit.

say

2010-05-31T21:58:00.001+10:00

My female owner had been meeting up with Fated Guy at least once a week. These meetings most often than not take place in uni, if they both happen to be in uni at the same time. Hence, it is purely meals of convenience. Through these meals, she got to know him (and his psyche) better. I said before that at the first dinner they had, my female owner was struck by how similar their interests were. She soon found out he often said things that she herself would say. Some of these include (I’m sure her close friends would agree too)

“actually I am very shy” (when he goes around making friends with random people he meets at coffee shops)

“things could be worse, I mean, I could say that ‘even mozzies don’t like me’ ” (context: at camping, when my female owner commented that he was so lucky not to be bitten by mosquitoes)

“I was feeling emotional yesterday” (last lecture of his programme - same as how my female owner felt)

“I wanna go home!” (during the same period when my female owner had that exact tagline on MSN)

“I find it hard to approach people first, but if people make the first move, I am ok” (what can I say?)

Maybe there are a few more examples but I can’t recall them at this point in time. My female owner never really told him that he sounded like her but I find it disturbing to see a reflection of herself in someone else. One her is enough, I reckon.

boundaries

2010-05-31T21:50:00.001+10:00

My female owner did a super random thing today. She called her brother to wish him a Happie Birthday. She must have shocked him out of his skin. The sound of shock was so audible, it probably could have cut my shell into two. And the more random thing she did – to give him her Twitter username.

Boundaries, boundaries! She needs to be mindful of them.

lighthouse

2010-05-26T19:02:00.001+10:00

My female owner has been thinking a lot about her next steps lately. She still thinks that she will stay back in Australia for a while before returning to Singapore. While she is less enthusiastic about bible study, prayer meetings and sometimes Sunday sermons because of her current state of being (sianz and all that), my female owner still want to maintain her focus on God.

Today, she told God that she wants Him to be her Lighthouse. That whatever decisions she makes, it would be in the direction of the light that is emitting from the Lighthouse. Easier said than done, she knows, but everything starts with a decision and today, she has decided it will be God’s way.

war

2010-05-26T18:50:00.001+10:00

My female owner has declared war on Thesis - a cold war that is. Wednesday is usually her “free” day where she gets uninterrupted time (in theory) to work on her thesis. However, for today, she scheduled in a brekkie with Therapist Fren and a lunch with Fated Guy in uni. She had some vague intention to “do some work” in uni in the afternoon before going home. What really happened was:

Brekkie with Therapist Fren
Lunch with Fated Guy
Tea with Therapist Fren and other Asians
City Market with Therapist Fren
Grocery shopping at Sunnybank
Flute at home
Dinner at home

Told you she is winning the cold war!

return

2010-05-25T22:06:00.001+10:00

I mentioned before that my female owner had decided not to return to Singapore after she graduates. She told some people about her decision but then disappeared from MSN for a long time. Hence, no one could really contact her or discuss the decision with her. Anyway, one rare time over the weekend, my female owner made a cyber appearance as she wanted to talk to Special Fren about something.

Lo and behold, the conversation later steered towards my female owner’s options in Singapore, with her doctorate degree. Special Fren talked her through a possible route that was financially and professionally viable and attractive for my female owner. This was an option which he had previously broached to her on a number of occasions but my female owner had consistently rejected the suggestion for a variety of reasons.

For the first time ever, my female owner was deeply moved by his kind gesture and concern about her future. My female owner was greatly encouraged by the mere thought that someone, whom she greatly respect for his abilities, believes in her, wants her to return to contribute back to Singapore and is willing to work with her if she chooses to return.

fade

2010-05-25T21:50:00.002+10:00

My female owner is still feeling blue! She can’t believe it. Is it called burnout? Her Onli Frens in Singapore and Brisbane had separately asked her today if she is ok. They also asked if anything happened. Not that she can identify any earth-shattering event. Maybe it was a slow fade. The sad thing my female owner realised is that, in such times, the people who reached out to her and supported her are everyone else but her church friends (except for Emo Sponge). It kinda screams out to her that despite all the times she spent with her church friends, at the end of the day, she feels more comfortable opening up to other friends, friends whom she has spent time one-on-one with, building an emotional and psychological intimacy. The nature of the church group setting makes it difficult for her to spend time with any one individual meaningfully. Hence, these non-church friends were the ones who could pick out her distress and subsequently, respond in comforting ways. Friends she probably should prioritise and spend more time with.